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  #1    
Old November 25th, 2012, 10:16 AM
Pvt Tamama's Avatar
Pvt Tamama
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Join Date: Nov 2012
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please critique and what not if you wish


First Kiss
By Pvt Tamama(Jake)


We all have had or will have a first kiss, it only happens once, and you always remember it for the rest for your life. You remember it when your 20,30,40 and when your old this is the story of a first kiss. I was 11 years old in 5th grade slacked off and was on the computer most of my time. I only really hung out with one person besides my mother outside of school. Her name was Jenna, Jenna was my neighbor she had bleach blond hair and was the same age as me. She was home schooled but was extremely intelligent and funny. Everyday after i would come home from school she and i would sit outside and play a card games such as yu-gi-oh, pokemon and magic the gathering. It was awesome and even though i didn't know at the time this was the dream girl of any boy such as myself. She was not annoying or scary. Whenever you looked into her blues you would get lost because of how beautiful they were, maybe that's why i lost so many duels to her! She never would curse neither would i we were both very sheltered at the time though that has changed a lot since then. She was perfect the kind of girl you want to marry have kids with and then have those kids have kids! Well anyway one day we had been playing a game of yu-gi-oh and i was telling her about school and how i didn't have many friends there only one but he got bullied a lot his name is mason he is not relevant right now though. She said she was sorry that i didn't have any friends then she asked "Well um is there any girls there you have a crush on?" My face turned bright red like a new red marker and i said no i didn't. "don't mess with me Jake i know you do!" Jenna yelled at me in a jokingly tone. "I swear i don't!" i said in a nervous voice. "Ok Whatever you say" she said as she laughed. We kept on playing yu-gi-oh for about a hour of course she was whooping me at with her Super power deck with ever card being awesome. After a while her mom yelled from inside her house "Jenna time to eat come inside!". We put the cards away and back in are deck boxes then she sat on the sidewalk where we battled and was not moving she looked like she was going to cry. I was getting up pretending not to notice it then she said trying not to cry "This is the last time we will ever duel" "what why?" I said confused she stood up brushed her long hair out of her eyes ran up to me rapped her arms around me so tight she squeezed the air out of me then she looked me in the eyes then looked away then looked back and closed her eyes still hugging me then she moved lips up to mine and they touched i freaked out i was startled i didn't show it though i closed my eyes quick and kissed back her lips were soft like soft ice cream yet inviting like a fireplace my heart raced i swear i was having a heart attack then she let go and moved her lips from mine and said "I love you". She ran back to her house. I went to my house not being able to sleep that night i was confused i didn't know what to think. Morning came still no sleep. My mother asked me to take out the trash to the trash can i walked outside and saw something that would be burnt into my memory for the rest of my life. A U-haul truck at Jenna's house.
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  #2    
Old November 25th, 2012, 11:30 AM
Volcanix769's Avatar
Volcanix769
Known as the Quilava Guy!
 
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: NJ in the U.S
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Ok, I'm just going to say this before I read through this: Please space out your story to make paragraphs, including the dialogue. It's really annoying just seeing this and you have to make this good enough for us to read.

Now, I quickly scanned through this story, and I'll just point out a few stuff:

Quote:
Originally Posted by Pvt Tamama View Post
We all have had or will have a first kiss, I need a Period here it only happens once, and you always remember it for the rest for your life. You remember it when your 20,30,40 and when your old I need a Period here this is the story of a first kiss.
Woah. The first sentence has a lot of commas there. And the grammar is moderately off. It should be "We all got or will receive our first kiss." Also, It should be capitalized, including "This". 20, 30, and 40 should be spaced. They are not supposed to be bunched up together. And overall, it's a good start, though it needs a lot of work.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Pvt Tamama View Post
I was 11 years old in 5th grade slacked off and was on the computer most of my time. I only really hung out with one person besides my mother outside of school.
You're missing a comma between grade and slacked. Also, slacked should be slacking. And for the second paragraph, it has a lot of problems with the grammar. It should be:

Spoiler:
I only hang out with my mother, who is the special light that's in my whole world. But sometimes I be with my only friend besides my mother, after school.


Quote:
Originally Posted by Pvt Tamama View Post
Her name was Jenna, Jenna was my neighbor I need a Period here she had bleach blond hair and was the same age as me. She was home schooled but was extremely intelligent and funny. Everyday after i would come home from school she and i would sit outside and play a card games such as yu-gi-oh, pokemon and magic the gathering. It was awesome and even though i didn't know at the time this was the dream girl of any boy such as myself. She was not annoying or scary.
This sentence is very odd itself. Your descriptions are quite bland somewhat that doesn't reach to me. Saying bleach isn't enough. Try to say something colorful and vivid. You have minor capitalization errors, which made me wonder if you are really reading over this. Saying: "Not annoying or scary." isn't enough either. Even: "She was home schooled, but she's widely intelligent and funny." doesn't help. Give me more examples on these types of things.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Pvt Tamama View Post
Whenever you looked into her blues you would get lost because of how beautiful they were, maybe that's why i lost so many duels to her! She never would curse neither would i we were I need a Period here both very sheltered at the time though that has changed a lot since then. She was perfect the kind of girl you want to marry have kids with and then have those kids have kids!
Woah, this has a lot of problems itself. Again, format this correctly. And tell me what the "blues" are. Are they her eyes, or the type of thing that she wears? And the sentence I crossed out is unnecessary and doesn't add up. The last few sentences are just confusing.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Pvt Tamama View Post
Well anyway one day we had been playing a game of yu-gi-oh and i was telling her about school and how i didn't have many friends there only one but he got bullied a lot his name is [B]mason he is not relevant right now though. She said she was sorry that i didn't have any friends then she asked I need a Space here "Well um is there any girls there you have a crush on?" My face turned bright red like a new red marker and i said no i didn't. I need a Space here"don't mess with me Jake i know you do!" Jenna yelled at me in a jokingly tone. "I swear i don't!" i said in a nervous voice. "OkI need a Period here Whatever you say" she said as she laughed.
This has a lot of problems. There's a lot of capitalization errors. I should be capitalized. Again, Yu-Gi-Oh should be capitalized. The dialogue and everything are said pretty odd. It's hard to see on how many errors are here. Mason is a name, and it should be capitalized.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Pvt Tamama View Post
We kept on playing yu-gi-oh for about a hour I need a Period here of course she was whooping me at with her Super power deck with ever card being awesome. After a while her mom yelled from inside her house I need a Space here"Jenna time to eat come inside!". We put the cards away and back in are deck boxesI need a Period here then she sat on the sidewalk where we battled and was not moving I need a Period here she looked like she was going to cry. I was getting up I need a Comma herepretending not to notice it then she said trying not to cryI need a Period here "This is the last time we will ever duel" "what why?" I said confused she stood up brushed her long hair out of her eyesI need a Comma here ran up to me rapped her arms around me so tight she squeezed the air out of meI need a Period here then she looked me in the eyesI need a Period here then looked away then looked back and closed her eyes still hugging me then she moved lips up to mine and they touchedI need a Period here i freaked out i was startled i didn't show it though i closed my eyes quick and kissed back her lips were soft like soft ice cream yet inviting like a fireplace my heart raced i swear i was having a heart attack then she let go and moved her lips from mine and said "I love you".
Ok, this has got to be improved. By this, like I said before, it has to be corrected with the capitalization and punctuation. Also, your descriptions are weak and doesn't make me feel into this story. I don't why she did this, but please give me details. Also, the plot is weak and doesn't even contribute to the hook in your story.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Pvt Tamama View Post
She ran back to her house. I went to my house not being able to sleep that night i was confused I need a Period here i didn't know what to think. Morning came still no sleep. My mother asked me to take out the trash to the trash can I need a Period herei walked outside and saw something that would be burnt into my memory for the rest of my life. A U-haul truck at Jenna's house.
Ok, this is very weird with the sentence. Still no sleep is said very odd and your sentences are said out very oddly.

Overall, this should have been much better. This took me a long time to read because of how structured it was and the numerous amounts of problems. Your similes are weak and so is your plot. You don't even try hard into this.

I'm saying this because your plot should have been so much better and it's pretty short as well. See other stories or many shows that show love stories, like Eureka Seven and Fullmetal Alchemist: Brotherhood. Take this in consideration and try your best, because it has a lot of problems.
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Last edited by Volcanix769; November 25th, 2012 at 12:38 PM.
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  #3    
Old December 4th, 2012, 06:03 PM
Insomniac's Avatar
Insomniac
It's so overt it's covert.
 
Join Date: May 2011
Location: 221B Baker Street
Gender: Female
Alright, I'm going to quote this and put in some things where I think they're needed.

Quote:
First Kiss
By Pvt Tamama (Jake)

We have all had or will have a first kiss, it only happens once, and you always remember it for the rest for your life. You'll remember it when you're young, until you're old. This is the story of a first kiss.

I was eleven years old, in 5th grade, slacked off, and was on the computer most of the time. I only really hung out with one person besides my mother after school, and her name was Jenna. Jenna was my neighbor. She had bleach blond hair and was the same age as me. She was home-schooled, but was extremely intelligent and funny. Every day after I would come home from school, she andI would sit outside and play card games, like yu-gi-oh, pokemon and magic the gathering. It was awesome, and even though I didn't know that this was the future dream girl of a boy like myself. She was not annoying or scary. Whenever you looked into her blues, you would get lost because of how beautiful they were. Maybe that's why I lost so many duels to her! She never would curse, and neither would I. We were both very sheltered at the time, though that has changed a lot since then. She was perfect the kind of girl you would want to marry, have kids with, and then have those kids have kids!

Well, anyway, one day we had been playing a game of Yu-Gi-Oh, and I got to telling her about school, and how I didn't have many friends there. I only had one, but he got bullied a lot. His name was Mason, but he was not relevant right now.

She said she was sorry that I didn't have any friends, then she asked, "Well, um, are there any girls out there that you have a crush on?"

My face turned bright red like a new, red marker! I swore that I didn't.

"Don't mess with me Jake, I know you do!" Jenna yelled at me in a teasing tone.

"I swear, I don't!", I said in a nervous voice.

"Okay, whatever you say", she said as she laughed.
We kept on playing Yu-Gi-Oh for about an hour. Of course she was whooping me, with her super power deck with ever card.

After a while, her mom yelled from inside her house, "Jenna, time to eat! Come inside!".

We put the cards away in our deck boxes, then she sat on the sidewalk where we battled, and did not move. She looked like she was going to cry!

I was getting up, pretending not to notice, when she said, trying not to cry, "This is the last time we will ever duel!"

"What? Why?", I said, confused.

S
he stood up, brushed her long hair out of her eyes, ran up to me and then wrapped her arms around me so tight, that she squeezed the air out of me. Then she looked me in the eye, then looked away, then looked back and closed her eyes, still hugging me. Then she moved her lips up to mine and they touched. I was startled. I didn't show it, though. I closed my eyes quickly, and kissed her back. Her lips were soft, like ice cream, yet inviting, like a fireplace. My heart raced. I swear that I was going to have a heart attack. Then she let go and moved her lips from mine.

"I love you", she said. She then ran back to her house.

I went back home, and wasn't able to sleep that night. Iwas confused, I didn't know what to think. Morning came, and still no sleep. My mother asked me to take out the trash, and as i walked outside, I saw something that would be burned into my memory for the rest of my life. A U-haul truck stopped in front of Jenna's house.
Edits are in red.

You conveyed your thoughts very well in this, but do work on spacing the paragraphs out (I fixed that for you) and placing your periods/commas.

Also, capitalize the first letter of the next sentence, as well as the first letter of each word of brand names.

Volcanix does have a point, this needs a lot of work, but not every love story needs to be long like he says. This is just fine for a first kiss story.

Keep working on it, though.
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