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  #1    
Old May 28th, 2010, 06:35 PM
Winson's Avatar
Winson
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I personally think that this is badly made but gonna let you guys read anyways.

There was once from an egg, created from pitch-black chaos of space. (It was actually made when a guy who has Aspergers Syndrome and likes to do illegal animal fights and another guy who likes to draw cute, bright-coloured creatures had gay mansex.) From the egg hatched... AN EXTREMELY DIVINE WHITE LLAMA WITH GODLY POWERS! Apparently the llama is called Arceus and he has a wheel around his belly, which makes him always have to stand and unable to ever lie down. (Since it would be incredibly uncomfortable if he lies down.) He has 16 elemental plates he has on. (Be the question is, where do all the plates go? I mean, he doesn't have hands to hold them, do they get inserted somewhere?)

Arceus created the universe with his thousand arms. (He mastered a way to get arms by watching Elfen Lied. The two horns on his head helps explain everything.) He then got lazy so he created a time doggy made out of steel, a wet space penis with wings and a ghostly worm. He also created 3 pixies for a complete different plot-point. (Apparently the pixies have a white whale as a leader, got captured but evil monsters and get saved by a little blonde kid in green tunic, who travels on a boat with a pedophile captain who also has a fairy/pixie-fetish. He pretends to like treasures and stuff to avoid suspicion.) And all these were apparently hatched from eggs... Eggs made by Arceus... The fact that he's a llama... a mammal... a dude...

Arceus then realized he created an abomination, and decided to banish it to distorted dimension, which is aptly named Distortion World.

Arceus later finds out that he banished the wrong creation. He banished the ghostly worm instead of the space penis. Apparently the space penis used Substitute (Which is the ghostly worm.) and avoid being banished. Arceus was too lazy and have 16 plates too far deep inside him to do anything about it and just go to a long sleep.

THE END
__________________
A one woman man's what I wanna be,
Stay by her side so faithfully.
I would if I could, but it's just no good,
Cause there's two perfect girls for me
HAHAHA! ALRIGHT! XD <3

I'm an Emo Pokemon Trainer with years of experiece... PM me if you want to have a battle...

Name: Winson
Pokemon Diamond Friend Code: 4940 3034 7963
Pokemon SoulSilver Friend Code: 4039 9511 9814
  #2    
Old May 28th, 2010, 07:11 PM
Syrynn's Avatar
Syrynn
Writer of Tales
 
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Atlanta, GA
Age: 26
Nature: Careful
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This is pretty much one of the worst stories I've read. (I define story as a coherent set of sentences that appear, more or less, to have a common thread to them.) About the only generous thing I have to say here is that you at least have a decent grasp of spelling and grammar. From there it seems like it's all downhill.

The first big problem I have with the work stems from the second sentence, within the parentheses.

Quote:
(It was actually made when a guy who has Aspergers Syndrome and likes to do illegal animal fights and another guy who likes to draw cute, bright-coloured creatures had gay mansex.)
Really? Do you think anyone is going to take you seriously when a description like that is in the first paragraph, much less in a story at all? It's offensive and shameful, to say the least.

Then in the second paragraph, you go and shoot off another line.

Quote:
a wet space penis with wings
...okay? Again, serious much?

Quote:
(Apparently the pixies have a white whale as a leader, got captured but evil monsters and get saved by a little blonde kid in green tunic, who travels on a boat with a pedophile captain who also has a fairy/pixie-fetish. He pretends to like treasures and stuff to avoid suspicion.)
...You mean Mesprit, Uxie and Azelf, I hope. And what's with the gratuitous use of sexual words and descriptors? Stories aren't funny just because you plop a ton of swear words in them.

Quote:
but evil monsters
You mean "by evil monsters."

All in all, it's not very good. It's short, barely amusing, and extremely childish. It's not your grammar either; it's the presentation of the tale and your choice of words and phrases used within it. I'm trying my best to be nice here, but I have no interest in your works if they're all going to be like this.

And keep in mind, I'm basing this mostly off the fact that you also refused to put warnings and a rating up on it, which just boils me even more. If you're going to be making a South Park-esque story with childish jokes and dirty words, at least tell us before-hand with some sort of disclaimer so we can click "Back" before having to read it. I would likely have been more lenient in my review if I had known this fact beforehand.

If it was meant to be a joke story, and you begin putting disclaimers on your works, I'll let this slide. But please, label your joke stories as such and rate your works accordingly so small children don't run into this. What if a youth was here with their parents and clicked on this? I sure wouldn't want to be the mother or father explaining these terms. Just something to think about.
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  #3    
Old May 28th, 2010, 07:46 PM
Winson's Avatar
Winson
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Syrynn View Post
This is pretty much one of the worst stories I've read. (I define story as a coherent set of sentences that appear, more or less, to have a common thread to them.) About the only generous thing I have to say here is that you at least have a decent grasp of spelling and grammar. From there it seems like it's all downhill.

The first big problem I have with the work stems from the second sentence, within the parentheses.



Really? Do you think anyone is going to take you seriously when a description like that is in the first paragraph, much less in a story at all? It's offensive and shameful, to say the least.

Then in the second paragraph, you go and shoot off another line.



...okay? Again, serious much?



...You mean Mesprit, Uxie and Azelf, I hope. And what's with the gratuitous use of sexual words and descriptors? Stories aren't funny just because you plop a ton of swear words in them.



You mean "by evil monsters."

All in all, it's not very good. It's short, barely amusing, and extremely childish. It's not your grammar either; it's the presentation of the tale and your choice of words and phrases used within it. I'm trying my best to be nice here, but I have no interest in your works if they're all going to be like this.

And keep in mind, I'm basing this mostly off the fact that you also refused to put warnings and a rating up on it, which just boils me even more. If you're going to be making a South Park-esque story with childish jokes and dirty words, at least tell us before-hand with some sort of disclaimer so we can click "Back" before having to read it. I would likely have been more lenient in my review if I had known this fact beforehand.

If it was meant to be a joke story, and you begin putting disclaimers on your works, I'll let this slide. But please, label your joke stories as such and rate your works accordingly so small children don't run into this. What if a youth was here with their parents and clicked on this? I sure wouldn't want to be the mother or father explaining these terms. Just something to think about.
This is made to poke fun of Pokemon, so don't be so serious about it. This story is no different from reading general stuff on Uncyclopedia. Don't worry, this will probably be the last time it'll be this far off. Next time I'll probably just make fun of what's wrong with the Pokemon games. Like the fact that mums let their only child which is 10 years old out to the huge wide world to be a traveling hobo.
__________________
A one woman man's what I wanna be,
Stay by her side so faithfully.
I would if I could, but it's just no good,
Cause there's two perfect girls for me
HAHAHA! ALRIGHT! XD <3

I'm an Emo Pokemon Trainer with years of experiece... PM me if you want to have a battle...

Name: Winson
Pokemon Diamond Friend Code: 4940 3034 7963
Pokemon SoulSilver Friend Code: 4039 9511 9814

Last edited by Winson; May 28th, 2010 at 07:52 PM.
  #4    
Old May 28th, 2010, 07:54 PM
Syrynn's Avatar
Syrynn
Writer of Tales
 
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Atlanta, GA
Age: 26
Nature: Careful
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Winson View Post
This is made to poke fun of Pokemon, so don't be so serious about it. This story is no different from reading general stuff on Uncyclopedia. Don't worry, this will probably be the last time it'll be this far off. Next time I'll probably just make fun of what's wrong with the Pokemon games. Like the fact that mums let their only child which is 10 years old out to the huge wide world to be a traveling hobo.
All right, then. As long as it's all meant to be a joke and it's labeled as such, I'll let this slide. It's really not bad for its purpose. Most of my commentary was made from the view of a casual observer that thought he was walking into a real tale.
__________________
[

Come read the story I've put into the fanfiction forums! All you need to do is click on the awesome banner above, made by PC's very own HackMew!

If you support the idea that FF writers deserve reviews and compensation for the time they spend on their tales, click here to read about how you can help the cause, then add this statement to your signature.
  #5    
Old May 28th, 2010, 08:03 PM
Winson's Avatar
Winson
Legendary Pokemon Master
 
Join Date: Feb 2008
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Syrynn View Post
All right, then. As long as it's all meant to be a joke and it's labeled as such, I'll let this slide. It's really not bad for its purpose. Most of my commentary was made from the view of a casual observer that thought he was walking into a real tale.
X3 I have terrible grammar maybe due to the fact that I'm an artist, not a writer. XB I'm basically trying to tell stories in the same way as Abridgers on YouTube tell their stories. XB By making fun of things and pointing out things that doesn't make sense. XB Like how Link from the crappy The Legend of Zelda cartoon avoid getting wet when about to fall into water by doing a backflip off a splash. XD THAT'S TECHNICALLY IMPOSSIBLE! XD
__________________
A one woman man's what I wanna be,
Stay by her side so faithfully.
I would if I could, but it's just no good,
Cause there's two perfect girls for me
HAHAHA! ALRIGHT! XD <3

I'm an Emo Pokemon Trainer with years of experiece... PM me if you want to have a battle...

Name: Winson
Pokemon Diamond Friend Code: 4940 3034 7963
Pokemon SoulSilver Friend Code: 4039 9511 9814
  #6    
Old August 15th, 2011, 12:25 PM
CliveKoopa
 
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Coventry, United Kingdom
Age: 29
Gender: Male
Nature: Calm
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Winson View Post
Next time I'll probably just make fun of what's wrong with the Pokemon games. Like the fact that mums let their only child which is 10 years old out to the huge wide world to be a traveling hobo.
I can think of loads of things wrong with the games. I have always imagined scenarios if game mechanics were incorporated in the anime and how they would play out.
 
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