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  #51    
Old 4 Weeks Ago, 08:04 PM
Legendary_Trainer_Alexandre's Avatar
Legendary_Trainer_Alexandre
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Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: Vaniville Town, Kalos
Age: 19
Gender: Male
Nature: Calm
This is my Prologue to my fanfic Pokemon: Dual Dimensions

Spoiler:
Prologue: Aw Crap…
1800hrs, Albany, OR


A young man named Alexandre was sitting at his computer when he felt like he was getting gamer's elbow, ignoring it for now he continued looking at the help wanted ads on the Albany Democrat Herald's website mentally crossing off jobs that he couldn't take for different reasons. A while later he couldn't feel his arm at all, like it wasn't even there, perplexed by this he looked down and saw pixels coming off his body and going into the laptop, he has tunnel vision causing him not to see the pixels going into the laptop, going into a state of panic, his mind shut down, leaving him unconscious


1930hrs, ???, ???


“Ughhhhhh, somebody get the license plate of the truck that hit me,” Alexandre said as he felt something cold and sharp pressed against his throat, like the tip of a knife, or some other sharp object, ready to kill him at the drop of a hat.


"Who are you and what are you doing in my house?!" a feminine voice shouted.


"Where am I and why am I being threatened?!" Alexandre shouted back, while being in the position he was in when he was unconscious, whatever position that was, he didn't know.


"Never mind who I am Cyber-Thief! Just answer the damn question!" The female, assuming that the voice belonged to a female at all, shouted, obviously scared.


"If you reach into the back left pocket of my jeans you will find my ID I'm sure that's what you want right? By the way, who's this Cyber-Thief you're talking about? Is it a Cyberman turned thief?" Alexandre asked, being a
Doctor Who
fan and not knowing in what dimension he was in.


"What the hell is a 'Cyberman'? The Cyber-Thief is a thief that robs people's homes through cyberspace using a Porygon!" The female shouted confused and thinking that this person on her floor is insane and probably not the Cyber-Thief, but she kept the knife pressed against the man's neck just in case, while she grabbed his wallet and looked at his ID and was confused by the place the ID came from. "Is Oregon an as of undiscovered region, or is this a fake ID?" the female asked.


"Neither, it's one of 50 states in the United States of America, which is a country on the western hemisphere, that aside, tell me where the ♥♥♥♥ I am and how the bloody hell I got here because I can get myself free and disarm you if I wanted to, but I need answers, and I don't harm women, and may I see your face this blindfold is really annoying, and is making me sweat like a ♥♥♥♥ing pig!" Alexandre shouted angrily.


"You're in Vaniville Town which is in the Kalos region, and you came out of my television during my favorite TV show: Jennys


"What...are you kidding me?" Alexandre asked.


"No, why?" the female asked.


"Because I'm from another dimension where all this is just a franchise that's popular, and is one of my hobbies! That means...Oh ♥♥♥♥, I've got no cash, no Pokemon, not even a single Pokeball to my name...Oh! I completely forgot to ask you your name, also could you please get the sharp object away from my jugular I would like to get up, my back's killing me," Alexandre said to the female holding the knife to his throat.


"You're really someone who traveled between dimensions, it's weird that Pokemon aren't real in your world, how do you live like that? My name is Grace Rider, sorry for the rough treatment but as you now know there's been a string of robberies in which the culprit uses the cyber network to get into the victim's home, rob them blind, then leave the same way, but there's always a note with the words, 'The Cyber-Thief was here!' left at the scene and yet the police can't catch him or her, so when you came out of my TV I thought that I was going to be robbed by him or her, again I'm sorry for treating you like some criminal," the woman now identified as Grace Rider said as she put the knife away and got out some Coca-Cola for Alexandre.


"Well to answer your question, we live with animals like you do with Pokemon, only that they can't help children with their homework, unless it's dissecting a frog or some other dead animal, in order to label each of its parts, but I digress. All I remember before coming to here is that I was on my laptop, looking for work, when I started to disappear into my laptop, sometimes I hate my tunnel vision when I'm focused on my financial situation and looking for work, any way may I have my wallet and my Driver's license back, because I'll need them to do anything in this world maybe who knows what'll happen from here, oh well I'll just do the best that I can!" Alexandre said with determination as he left Grace's house and went towards Aquacorde Town, with the few possessions that he had with him: his ID, Walther P38 9mm pistol with ammunition, a combat knife, and a bag to carry it all in.
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Legendary_Trainer_Alexandre "Regardless the circumstances, I intend to question the defendant with all I have. *takes off glasses* For that is a part of my creed. -Miles Edgeworth in episode 5 of Phoenix Wright Ace Attorney: Dual Destines Check out my story Pokemon Dual Dimensions

Last edited by Legendary_Trainer_Alexandre; 4 Weeks Ago at 08:07 AM.
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  #52    
Old 4 Weeks Ago, 08:26 PM
Nolafus's Avatar
Nolafus
Aspiring Writer, or something
 
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Lost in thought... again
Age: 18
Gender: Male
Nature: Calm
Okay guys, please remember that this is a thread for fragments of works. Which means that this isn't the place to be posting entire prologues/chapters. Those belong in threads of their own.

@Fading Tree:

It's probably just personal preference, but I wouldn't use "him/her". It's just something I advise against as there are better ways of saying you can't identify the gender of a certain character.

I would also give that another read-through. There are a few mistakes and incomplete sentences that I think you would be able to catch. Remember to let it sit for at least a day before posting it. I struggle with that so much because I'm so excited that I just finished something, that I just have to post it, but it's worth it of you wait. I guarantee that you'll catch at least a couple mistakes each time.

Other than that, I feel like you're getting the hang of it. I would continue working on it and experimenting on which writing technique works for you. You're starting to grasp showing v telling, but keep what I said in mind. If you do that, then your biggest learning experience will be more writing and reading. Make sure to read both good and bad examples of writing, as they can both help you.
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  #53    
Old 4 Weeks Ago, 08:47 PM
PokemonTrainerRobert
 
Join Date: Mar 2014
Gender: Male
Ah sorry about that...lol guess just wanted somebody opinion before I go and post up the first chapter, only to get told how bad my writing is and everything. This one website wasn't very...how should I say...instantly start hating my writing and last story I posted up before this one, for just posting chapter one. Without giving it a chance...and don't want to experience that again here.
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  #54    
Old 4 Weeks Ago, 09:07 PM
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Nolafus
Aspiring Writer, or something
 
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Lost in thought... again
Age: 18
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Quote:
Originally Posted by PokemonTrainerRobert View Post
Ah sorry about that...lol guess just wanted somebody opinion before I go and post up the first chapter, only to get told how bad my writing is and everything. This one website wasn't very...how should I say...instantly start hating my writing and last story I posted up before this one, for just posting chapter one. Without giving it a chance...and don't want to experience that again here.
Don't worry, I don't tolerate flames or put-downs of any sort. This is supposed to be a place where anyone can come and post their writing without fear of being laughed at. As long as I have anything to say about it, there will be no bullying here whatsoever.
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  #55    
Old 4 Weeks Ago, 09:20 PM
PokemonTrainerRobert
 
Join Date: Mar 2014
Gender: Male
And I am glad you having the mind set on that and everything. Well...I guess when I build up the courage, I will post Chapter one on here someday. I just hope journey type Pokemon fanfics aren't as hated than they are at this other Pokemon forums.

Lol though I will state this, whenever I start new stories with the first chapter being posted up. Despite me going through the chapter over the past three days or so. Might come out a little bad or feel slow lol. I'm one of those I guess "rare" writers, who gets better and better as he progresses throughout every chapter lol. Although I have been in a big mood, of reading a good "Journey" fanfic XD
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  #56    
Old 4 Weeks Ago, 09:30 PM
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Nolafus
Aspiring Writer, or something
 
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Lost in thought... again
Age: 18
Gender: Male
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Quote:
Originally Posted by PokemonTrainerRobert
I'm one of those I guess "rare" writers, who gets better and better as he progresses throughout every chapter lol.
Wait, isn't this every writer? I mean, I know I've gotten a lot better since I started writing my book. Everyone gets better as they write more and more, so it's completely natural that each chapter gets better than the last, especially for new writers.

We accept all types of fics here (to a reasonable point, mind you), so don't feel bad about journey fics. They aren't the most popular type of fiction due to the sheer number of them and their bad reputation, but don't let that get you down. Each story is different.
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  #57    
Old 4 Weeks Ago, 09:39 PM
PokemonTrainerRobert
 
Join Date: Mar 2014
Gender: Male
Quote:
Originally Posted by Slayr231 View Post
Wait, isn't this every writer? I mean, I know I've gotten a lot better since I started writing my book. Everyone gets better as they write more and more, so it's completely natural that each chapter gets better than the last, especially for new writers.

We accept all types of fics here (to a reasonable point, mind you), so don't feel bad about journey fics. They aren't the most popular type of fiction due to the sheer number of them and their bad reputation, but don't let that get you down. Each story is different.
Hm that is a good point, so I guess I wouldn't say rare then lol. I just don't know exactly how to put that into better term. Cause there are times, where some chapters despite them being better than the last one. Some time the next chapter, may not be as great as the one before it....I don't know hard to really put it in better terms XD.

The only thing I don't want everyone claiming, is that I am copying from the anime or games : / Cause that saying gets really annoying after awhile, on the account trying to think of a great way for a beginner trainer. Getting their starter Pokemon, can be quite hard to type out. Without the plot having said trainer getting their starters from Oak. As well as every single town and cities are from the show and game. But with the author actually putting the time, making different scenarios.

But eh I'll post the first chapter tomorrow or probably really late tonight. Since it's 1am XD But thanks...I will make a quick note and say that, I ain't the best when making fast updates. Usually takes me awhile to get the next chapter done. Along with staying motivated lol.
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  #58    
Old 2 Weeks Ago, 03:00 AM
G.R. Snail
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Quote:
I've been walking, well, more like limping down this track for what seemed like days. When I'd set off from the cabin, the sun was very much up, but now as I looked around myself I saw that the night had truly crept in, and it was rather uninvited. There's no ignoring something like the dark once you've become aware of it and by this point in time I, had become quite aware of it. Still, I had a job to do and I was damn sure going to do it better than she tried to do it anyway. I'm tearing up at the mere thought of her, of her failure, my vision blurring which didn't help with the darkness of the skies. Pushing all thought of her, of her failure, out of my mind I trudged onward, determined to find him and bring him home.

It's a funny thing, desperation. Much like the darkness, you don't really notice it until you've been forced to acknowledge it and by that point, there's nothing you can do to ignore it. It's in the very back of your head, clawing away at all the common sense there once was and replacing it with a blind, unquenchable desperation.

As I was saying, this track. Surrounded both sides with trees higher than most that you'd find at a park, or even a forest, these trees were rather special. Daunting, and ever so frightening, but special nonetheless. I was almost about to turn around half an hour ago, but I had to keep going. Or at least, I think it was half an hour ago. I've sort of lost track of the time, it seems like it's been an eternity. Small, sharp twigs are embedded in my bleeding, raw feet and I feel as though all liquid in my body has completely dried up, leaving me as barren as a desert landscape. Why, why did he have to come down here? Why couldn't she have just found him? If she did, they would've both come back home days ago and I wouldn't have to be walking down here.

Or, at least I think they would've been back days ago. I'm... I'm not quite sure anymore. I keep walking.
So I'm in the process of writing up the first part of my 'Snail Tale' collection, and while I didn't really want to post any of the unfinished work here I did want to post something. So I present to you, The Track. I'm suffering from some horrible writers block, which is actually why I've semi-halted the progression of 'Snail Tale', so this little story is probably going to be really bad, but hey, it's all I've got to offer right now! Hope you enjoy, feedback is appreciated.
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  #59    
Old 2 Weeks Ago, 08:29 AM
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BlueStone
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Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: Somewhere between Hoenn and Kalos
Gender: Male
Nature: Adamant
Since GameFreak can't be bothered to clarify why there seems to be two gods, Arceus and Mew, i've started writing this book. See what you think!


Spoiler:
On the day of creation, two Pokemon came into existance; The Great One, and The Innocent one.
The Great One became extremely lonely, and shaped a masterpiece with his thousands of arms. He called this masterpiece an egg, and would therefore be the symbol of all birth.
The egg hatched, and the earth was born, a plain, empty sphere of clay. The Innocent one was put off by this, such excellence, such potential, but The Great One was satisfied, and rested, but while he slept, The Innocent One worked, he shaped mountains, trees, plants, rocks and caves, rivers, and everything that made our life what it is today, and thus was then on named The One Who Populates, Mew.

When The Great One awoke, he was furious with what Mew had done, and banished him to this hideous world that he had created.

The Great One, Arceus, created three Pokemon to assist him in wiping the world that Mew had created clean, along with Mew, so Arceus could start fresh, and create a world the way he wanted to.

Arceus created Dialga, the one of time, Palkia, the one of space, and Giratina, the one of energy.

Giratina refused to assist Arceus in destroying such a beautiful world, it held so much potential, he said, but Arceus simply cast him aside into limbo, a dimension of confusion and destruction, and thus Giratina became not the one of energy, but the renegade.
Giratina’s soul became as cruel and cold as ice.

Arceus replaced Giratina with another pokemon, he named it Desyinang.

Mew became aware of Arceus’s plan, and combatted it by creating three pokemon himself, he named these Pokemon;

Kyogre, the one of sea,

Groudon, the one of land,

And Rayquaza, the one of sky.

These three Pokemon represented the beauty of the earth that Mew had created, and thus the first war began.

The Pokemon fought fiercely for 15 days and 15 nights, until the war ended, Mew had won, and Arceus retreated into hiding. Dialga and Palkia, knowing that Arceus would be furious, joined Mew’s side, but Desyinang stayed loyal to him, and because of that, faced the wrath of Arceus.

Arceus tore Desyinang apart into two bodies, Reshiram, and Zekrom. The empty shell of Desyinang limped off onto earth, and was then on called Kyurem, the empty one.
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  #60    
Old 2 Weeks Ago, 11:04 AM
Legendary_Trainer_Alexandre's Avatar
Legendary_Trainer_Alexandre
Grand Duke
 
Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: Vaniville Town, Kalos
Age: 19
Gender: Male
Nature: Calm
Here's a preview of Chapter 2 of Pokemon Dual Dimensions

Spoiler:
Chapter 2: The Bug Badge


Alex’s Log: Day 2
Yesterday I was looking for work on the Albany Democrat Herald’s website, when I was transported to the Pokémon Dimension, specifically Vaniville Town in the Kalos Region, where I was mistaken for a person known only as the Cyber-Thief, who apparently uses a Porygon to travel to the houses of his victims via cyberspace, takes all the jewels, leaves behind a note saying, ‘The Cyber-Thief was here’, and then leaves the same way, leaving nothing else behind, thus no one has been able to catch him or her, but if I catch that bastard, they’re gonna wish they hadn’t done what they did, because I almost died because of it
End Log


0600hrs, Aquacorde Town, Kalos


Ok, so I need some supplies for my journey, and it needs to be €300 or less, and I also need directions to the nearest military surplus store along with a map,” Alex thought as he came upon a local man who appeared to be in his 60s.


« Excusez-moi, monsieur, mais pouvez-vous me dire comment se rendre à la boutique la plus proche de surplus militaire? » ”Excuse me, sir, but can you tell me how to get to the nearest military surplus store?” Alex said to the elderly local man


« Oui, je peux répondre à votre question. Le magasin de surplus militaire est sur la rue Soleil, et pour y arriver il faut tourner à droite sur la 14ème rue, puis continuer jusqu'à ce que vous voyez le 7-11 à votre droite, vous tournez à droite là, c'est la rue Oak, à ce moment-aller à la première à droite comme si vous étiez au volant et le prendre, c'est quand vous êtes sur la rue Soleil, et le magasin est le premier bâtiment sur votre droite, »“The military surplus store is on Sun street, and in order to get there you have to turn right on 14th street, then continue until you see the 7-11 to your right, you turn right there, that's Oak street, at that point go to the first right turn as if you were driving and take it, that's when you're on Sun street, and the store is the first building on your right” the elderly man said to Alex as he handed a map to Alex.


After following the old man’s directions, Alex went into the store looking for a World War II era Mauser Karbine 98, an ammunition reloading kit, and 100 cases of 7.92x57mm bullets, if that didn’t cost over €300 that is.


« Combien coûte? »“How much?” Alex asked the store clerk.


« Votre total est de €250, »[I]“Your total is €250,” the clerk flatly told Alex as he counted the €250 Alex paid.


Once Alex left the military surplus store, he made his way towards the Pokéball Boutique in order to buy a few Pokéballs so that he could add to his team.


« Bonjour, Combien coûte est un Pokéball? »“Hello, How much is one Pokéball?” Alex asked the store clerk.


« Coûte un Pokéball €2 »“One Pokéball costs two Euros” the store clerk said to Alex.


« Je voudrais 25 Pokéballs s'il vous plaît, »“I would like 25 Pokéballs please,” Alex requested as he paid €50 to the clerk


There will be real world elements in it, like Coca-cola, hunting, and romance among other things. Please tell me what you think about it, in my thread, thank you in advance.
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Legendary_Trainer_Alexandre "Regardless the circumstances, I intend to question the defendant with all I have. *takes off glasses* For that is a part of my creed. -Miles Edgeworth in episode 5 of Phoenix Wright Ace Attorney: Dual Destines Check out my story Pokemon Dual Dimensions
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  #61    
Old 2 Weeks Ago, 01:29 PM
Astinus's Avatar
Astinus
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Location: Connecticut, USA
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There was something that I noticed about your chapter and I was going to point it out in your thread (like you asked) but you haven't posted the new chapter there yet, so...

Quote:
« Oui, je peux répondre à votre question. Le magasin de surplus militaire est sur la rue Soleil, et pour y arriver il faut tourner à droite sur la 14ème rue, puis continuer jusqu'à ce que vous voyez le 7-11 à votre droite, vous tournez à droite là, c'est la rue Oak, à ce moment-aller à la première à droite comme si vous étiez au volant et le prendre, c'est quand vous êtes sur la rue Soleil, et le magasin est le premier bâtiment sur votre droite, »“The military surplus store is on Sun street, and in order to get there you have to turn right on 14th street, then continue until you see the 7-11 to your right, you turn right there, that's Oak street, at that point go to the first right turn as if you were driving and take it, that's when you're on Sun street, and the store is the first building on your right” the elderly man said to Alex as he handed a map to Alex.
All this French? It's not needed. Especially since you're translating it out to English right afterwards. I get it. Kalos is based on France, and you want the region to feel authentic to the real world equivalent. But having conversations take place in French that are translated out right afterwards isn't a good way to go about it. Readers, especially those not fluent in French (and I don't know how many members are fluent in French here), will just skip over the French part of the conversations to head directly to the English translations.

It would be better if the French conversations were about important subjects, or provided some development about the characters. But right now, typical conversations about unimportant subjects like buying Pokeballs really aren't that fascinating to read about in English, let alone a different language that's then translated to English.

Unless there's a story reason for it, skip out on the characters speaking in long paragraphs in a foreign language. Just say in the narration "Everyone on the streets spoke French, and Alex reminded himself to speak the language to avoid seeming different." Just something like that so the reader can understand that the characters are speaking in a different language, but you don't have to write out the French and the English when people are really only going to read the English.
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  #62    
Old 2 Weeks Ago, 03:20 PM
Legendary_Trainer_Alexandre's Avatar
Legendary_Trainer_Alexandre
Grand Duke
 
Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: Vaniville Town, Kalos
Age: 19
Gender: Male
Nature: Calm
Quote:
Originally Posted by Astinus View Post
There was something that I noticed about your chapter and I was going to point it out in your thread (like you asked) but you haven't posted the new chapter there yet, so...



All this French? It's not needed. Especially since you're translating it out to English right afterwards. I get it. Kalos is based on France, and you want the region to feel authentic to the real world equivalent. But having conversations take place in French that are translated out right afterwards isn't a good way to go about it. Readers, especially those not fluent in French (and I don't know how many members are fluent in French here), will just skip over the French part of the conversations to head directly to the English translations.

It would be better if the French conversations were about important subjects, or provided some development about the characters. But right now, typical conversations about unimportant subjects like buying Pokeballs really aren't that fascinating to read about in English, let alone a different language that's then translated to English.

Unless there's a story reason for it, skip out on the characters speaking in long paragraphs in a foreign language. Just say in the narration "Everyone on the streets spoke French, and Alex reminded himself to speak the language to avoid seeming different." Just something like that so the reader can understand that the characters are speaking in a different language, but you don't have to write out the French and the English when people are really only going to read the English.

Thank you for your review and here is that piece again without the French bits, but with an indicator.
Spoiler:
Chapter 2: The Bug Badge: Part One


Alex’s Log: Day 2
Yesterday I was looking for work on the Albany Democrat Herald’s website, when I was transported to the Pokémon Dimension, specifically Vaniville Town in the Kalos Region, where I was mistaken for a person known only as the Cyber-Thief, who apparently uses a Porygon to travel to the houses of his victims via cyberspace, takes all the jewels, leaves behind a note saying, ‘The Cyber-Thief was here’, and then leaves the same way, leaving nothing else behind, thus no one has been able to catch him or her, but if I catch that bastard, they’re gonna wish they hadn't done what they did, because I almost died because of it
End Log


0600hrs, Aquacorde Town, Kalos


Ok, so I need some supplies for my journey, and it needs to be €300 or less, and I also need directions to the nearest military surplus store along with a map,” Alex thought as he came upon a local man who appeared to be in his 60s.


The following conversations are in French


“Excuse me, sir, but can you tell me how to get to the nearest military surplus store?” Alex said to the elderly local man


“The military surplus store is on Sun street, and in order to get there you have to turn right on 14th street, then continue until you see the 7-11 to your right, you turn right there, that's Oak street, at that point go to the first right turn as if you were driving and take it, that's when you're on Sun street, and the store is the first building on your right” the elderly man said to Alex as he handed a map to Alex.


After following the old man’s directions, Alex went into the store looking for a World War II era Mauser Karbine 98, an ammunition reloading kit, and 100 cases of 7.92x57mm bullets, if that didn’t cost over €300 that is.


“How much is all of this?” Alex asked the store clerk.


“Your total is €250,” the clerk flatly told Alex as he counted the €250 Alex paid.


Once Alex left the military surplus store, he made his way towards the Pokéball Boutique in order to buy a few Pokéballs so that he could add to his team.


“Hello, how much is one Pokéball?” Alex asked the store clerk.


“One Pokéball costs two Euros” the store clerk said to Alex.


“I would like 25 Pokéballs please,” Alex requested as he paid €50 to the clerk.


End of French conversations


Thank you for your review, and remember to review the previous chapters as well.
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Legendary_Trainer_Alexandre "Regardless the circumstances, I intend to question the defendant with all I have. *takes off glasses* For that is a part of my creed. -Miles Edgeworth in episode 5 of Phoenix Wright Ace Attorney: Dual Destines Check out my story Pokemon Dual Dimensions
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  #63    
Old 2 Weeks Ago, 04:16 PM
Nolafus's Avatar
Nolafus
Aspiring Writer, or something
 
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Lost in thought... again
Age: 18
Gender: Male
Nature: Calm
@ G. R. Snail
Quote:
There's no ignoring something like the dark once you've become aware of it and by this point in time I, had become quite aware of it.
The comma should go before the "I", not after it.

Quote:
As I was saying, this track. Surrounded both sides with trees higher than most that you'd find at a park, or even a forest, these trees were rather special. Daunting, and ever so frightening, but special nonetheless.
This segment is... weird grammar wise. You end the first sentence in an awkward spot, and then don't give the second sentence a clear subject. I can infer that the second sentence is talking about the track, but then the sentence is all about the trees. I would consider revising this part. Oh, and the last sentence doesn't have a subject either.

Overall, a nice start. The voice is strong and consistent. I would comment on the story, but I don't know much about it. All I know is that there's this guy who's looking for his son in the woods. Oh, and he's angry at some girl.

The writing style fits, and I don't really have any complaints about it. Nice job.

@ BlueStone

Ah, a bit of pokemon lore. I'm not sure about the earlier pokemon, but there is a bit here that conflicts with the lore we know from the games. Reshiram and Zekrom split because of two heroes that wanted different things. So, that's already explained. I'm not sure if you knew that or not, but just thought I would point it out.

Quote:
The Pokemon fought fiercely for 15 days and 15 nights, until the war ended, Mew had won, and Arceus retreated into hiding.
This part seems so... short. I would love a bit more lore behind the war. Plus, this sentence might be bordering a run-on sentence, so I would rework this a bit.

Overall, a nice little tale. I like it at least. You really have the lore voice down well, and that's something some people struggle with a lot. So, good job!
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  #64    
Old 2 Weeks Ago, 07:36 PM
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BlueStone
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Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: Somewhere between Hoenn and Kalos
Gender: Male
Nature: Adamant
@ BlueStone

Ah, a bit of pokemon lore. I'm not sure about the earlier pokemon, but there is a bit here that conflicts with the lore we know from the games. Reshiram and Zekrom split because of two heroes that wanted different things. So, that's already explained. I'm not sure if you knew that or not, but just thought I would point it out.
Oh no, I didn't, lol. I guess I should look into that.

Quote:
The Pokemon fought fiercely for 15 days and 15 nights, until the war ended, Mew had won, and Arceus retreated into hiding.
This part seems so... short. I would love a bit more lore behind the war. Plus, this sentence might be bordering a run-on sentence, so I would rework this a bit.
Oh my gosh, I can't believe I left it so vague XD. What should I put there instead?

Overall, a nice little tale. I like it at least. You really have the lore voice down well, and that's something some people struggle with a lot. So, good job!
Thanks



EDIT: How's this?

Spoiler:
Arceus created Dialga, the one of time, Palkia, the one of space, and Giratina, the one of energy.

Giratina refused to assist Arceus in destroying such a beautiful world, it held so much potential, he said, but Arceus simply cast him aside into limbo, a dimension of confusion and destruction, and thus Giratina became not the one of energy, but the renegade.
Giratina’s soul became as cruel and cold as ice.

Arceus replaced Giratina with another pokemon, Reshikrom.

Mew became aware of Arceus’s plan, and combatted it by creating three pokemon himself, he named these Pokemon;

Kyogre, the one of sea,

Groudon, the one of land,

And Rayquaza, the one of sky.

These three Pokemon represented the beauty of the earth that Mew had created, and thus the first Pokemon battle began.

The Pokemon fought fiercely for many years, equally powerful, neither side could be defeated, until an act of truth from limbo tipped the scales: Giratina used all of his power to defeat Arceus, Dialga, Palkia, and Reshikrom, and he did, but doing so, destroyed the limbo he lived in, making it not only horrible, but unbearable.

The three Pokemon, Palkia, Dialga, and Reshikrom knew that Arceus would be furious, and fled. Dialga, and Palkia were welcomed by Mew, and we’re given power over time and space, respectively. Reshikrom fled into the barren wasteland that would soon be known as Unova.

Mew looked down on his wonderful earth from the sky, it was beautiful, but what fun is beauty if there are very few to share it with? So he mustered up all his power, and created the Pokemon race.

He created so many, and created regions to seperate them; Kanto, Johto, Hoenn,
Sinnoh, Unova, and Kalos. He created many other regions, but he did not name them, there would come a time when he would name them, but that time was not now. Pokemon lived in these regions, many, many Pokemon, of all shapes and sizes. But oddly, no matter how many times he tried, Mew could not populate Unova, the barren wasteland. It was a hopeless case, so he moved on.

Mew realized that he had outdone himself, and the Pokemon could not tell themselves apart from other Pokemon, so he created types, 18 of them, and created three birds to govern these types:

Articuno, the governor of ice, water, flying, dragon, and fairy.
Zapdos, the governor of electric, normal, bug, ghost, and grass.
And Moltres, governor of fire, psychic, dark, ground, poison, fighting, rock, and steel.


Mew created a special Pokemon race, the most intelligent ones, he called them the humans.

Arceus continued to watch, and when he saw that humans were easily manipulated, he cursed them. There would always be an organization of humans that would be the downfall of all the lands, but Giratina suspected this, and with his last ounce of power, counter cursed; There would always be a hero to stop this organization, and it would never succeed.

And thus humans became distant from Pokemon, growing into they’re own species. With their intelligence, they created many things, and formed bonds with Pokemon, but they still had the touch of evil from Arceus, committing murders, hurting Pokemon, destroying forests, and many other things. It disgusted Mew, so he created Lugia and Ho-Oh, to watch over them, which they did for many years. Ho-Oh would also go on to create three Pokemon from the ruins of a destroyed building: Entei, Suicune, and Raikou.

The humans and Pokemon dreamed, and as they dreamed, they dreamed of nothingness, blackness. Mew was saddened by this, for dreams could be such wonderful things, so he created Cresselia, to add wonderful things to dreams, but all good things have their bad things, and Darkrai, the nightmare bringer, was born.
Mew decided two guardians for the humans were not enough, as they continued to destroy wildlife and forests, and thus he created Celebi, the bender of time, and the watcher of forests.

Mew also needed magic, a wish maker, perhaps, so he created Jirachi, bringer of wishes.

Finally, the humans became unbearable, and no matter what Mew did, they ignored him, so he created the three Pokemon of consciousness: Uxie of Knowledge, Mesprit of Emotion, and Azelf of Willpower, and together these Pokemon saved the humans from self downfall.

Reshikrom suddenly returned from hiding, and confronted Mew. He wanted to have a shot at making Unova a place where Pokemon could thrive, a task that even Mew had failed at. Mew allowed him, and created two gifted humans:

Brendan, and Dennys.

They helped Reshikrom restore Unova, and they succeeded, and as a gift Mew allowed them to rule Unova. The brothers could not split the wealth, and a war broke out between them. The result caused Reshikrom to split into two halves, hoping that each boy would be satisfied with a half, but he was wrong. Reshiram and Zekrom were equally as vengeful as the boys, and the shell of Reshikrom limped off hopelessly to a cave far off, forever known as Kyurem. Meanwhile, Reshiram, yang, sided with the older brother, Brendan. Zekrom, yin, sided with Dennys, the younger. Eventually the two brothers, and two pokemon, discovered that neither were better than each other, and ruled Unova together. When the two brothers died, their sons did not feel the same way, and resumed the fight. Reshiram and Zekrom, furious, destroyed the entire region with their powers, killing everything and everyone in it, including the sons. The two dragons vanished.

From the rubble rose the three Pokemon of weather: Landorus, Thundurus, and Tornadus. They governed the weather and strived to keep it balanced.

Unfortunately, the destruction caused by Reshiram and Zekrom caused the continents to begin to drift apart. Mew immediately took action by creating Regigigas to pull the continents back together with long, powerful ropes, which Regigigas succeeded at. Regigigas created Registeel, Regice, and Regirock to make sure such an accident never happened again.
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Last edited by BlueStone; 2 Weeks Ago at 08:17 PM.
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Old 2 Weeks Ago, 05:05 PM
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Legendary_Trainer_Alexandre
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Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: Vaniville Town, Kalos
Age: 19
Gender: Male
Nature: Calm
nice job on the lore man. I wish you luck on any future writings that you decide to do.
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