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  #1    
Old March 23rd, 2013, 02:02 PM
PresentPastFuture's Avatar
PresentPastFuture
Unhatched Egg
 
Join Date: Mar 2013
This is my first fan-fic, so constructive criticism is encouraged xD
I will post two journal entries at a time, which may allow me to post parts more frequently.
Enjoy
History Repeats, Science Mutilates
A Sci-Fi Fan-Fic


~Journal Entries One and Two~


February 21, 2032 - Cinnabar Island, Kanto

History tends to repeat itself; that is what worries me. The Mewtwo incident occurred 24 years ago, and the world has changed drastically since then. Governments are rising and gaining power, wars are spreading over newly discovered land. The diabolical Kanto government has become power hungry and seeks to extend the Kanto Empire around the world, and will crush anyone who stands in their path. This is where I come into play…


My name is Professor Brent Marshal, the government instructed my research team in Cinnabar Island to create an all-powerful Pokémon that will be capable of single-handedly conquering any region. My colleagues and I deeply worry about the consequences that creating such a Pokémon may be. Like I said before, history tends to repeat itself. The great Mewtwo was finally terminated by the legendary trainer, Red, many years ago. Unfortunately, Red disappeared after that. If anyone was able to stop the government from gaining power, it was Red.


I will be recording, in this journal, every experiment, procedure, and event that occurs while trying to create this Pokémon. I pray to Arceus that this will not end in a catastrophic manner. Our research begins tomorrow. If I succeed, the government will praise me; if I fail…then I will be executed.



February 22, 2032 - Cinnabar Island, Kanto

Mewtwo was created by chemically combining DNA samples of different pokemon; however, there was a major error in the DNA calculations that has never been established. I shall take the same approach, but more carefully; I have sent my team to collect DNA samples from one Pokémon in seven different type categories. The Pokémon: Dragonite, Arcanine, Gyarados, Zebstrika, Absol, Shiftry, and Alakazam. According to my data, if these Pokémon DNA’s are combined, then the results can be marvelous…


The only issue is finding the host organism to combine the DNA into. As of now, the procedure will occur like this; we will combine the DNA samples into one DNA sample, we will then “inject” the sample into a host organism. The DNA that we add will contain a radioactive chemical that will be able to delete the old DNA, and quickly replace it with the new one into every cell in its body. The chemicals and radioactive energy used to chemically form this Pokémon will be way too powerful for any Pokémon to handle. Our chemical resources are limited as well, which means that we will have limited chances to succeed… we will have to see what we can do after we receive the DNA samples…
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  #2    
Old March 23rd, 2013, 02:41 PM
Fairy's Avatar
Fairy
believe
 
Join Date: May 2011
Location: in the flowers
Gender: Female
Hi there! :)

Definitely an interesting fic! I like the way you've chosen to organize your work.

Quote:
Originally Posted by PresentPastFuture View Post
History tends to repeat itself; that is what worries me. The Mewtwo incident occurred 24 years ago, and the world has changed drastically since then. Governments are rising and gaining power, wars are spreading over newly discovered land. The diabolical Kanto government has become power hungry and seeks to extend the Kanto Empire around the world, and will crush anyone who stands in their path. This is where I come into play…
There really aren't many grammatical errors here, just make sure you're using hyphens correctly. "Power Hungry" should be "power-hungry".

Quote:
Originally Posted by PresentPastFuture View Post
My name is Professor Brent Marshal, the government instructed my research team in Cinnabar Island to create an all-powerful Pokémon that will be capable of single-handedly conquering any region. My colleagues and I deeply worry about the consequences that creating such a Pokémon may be. Like I said before, history tends to repeat itself. The great Mewtwo was finally terminated by the legendary trainer, Red, many years ago. Unfortunately, Red disappeared after that. If anyone was able to stop the government from gaining power, it was Red.
In this paragraph, make sure you watch out for your passive voices. Certain phrases like, "-Pokemon may be" and "-was Red", are obscuring who/what exactly the subject is acting on. Also, you're over complicating small things, "If anyone was able to stop the government" can just be, "if anyone can stop". So keep it simple, the audience has an easier time reading it and focusing on the idea of your words, not the words themselves. :)

Quote:
Originally Posted by PresentPastFuture View Post
I will be recording, in this journal, every experiment, procedure, and event that occurs while trying to create this Pokémon. I pray to Arceus that this will not end in a catastrophic manner. Our research begins tomorrow. If I succeed, the government will praise me; if I fail…then I will be executed.

February 22, 2032 - Cinnabar Island, Kanto
Mewtwo was created by chemically combining DNA samples of different pokemon; however, there was a major error in the DNA calculations that has never been established. I shall take the same approach, but more carefully; I have sent my team to collect DNA samples from one Pokémon in seven different type categories. The Pokémon: Dragonite, Arcanine, Gyarados, Zebstrika, Absol, Shiftry, and Alakazam. According to my data, if these Pokémon DNA’s are combined, then the results can be marvelous…

The only issue is finding the host organism to combine the DNA into. As of now, the procedure will occur like this; we will combine the DNA samples into one DNA sample, we will then “inject” the sample into a host organism. The DNA that we add will contain a radioactive chemical that will be able to delete the old DNA, and quickly replace it with the new one into every cell in its body. The chemicals and radioactive energy used to chemically form this Pokémon will be way too powerful for any Pokémon to handle. Our chemical resources are limited as well, which means that we will have limited chances to succeed… we will have to see what we can do after we receive the DNA samples…
Again, just make sure you watch your passive voice and keep everything organized. Really though, at least grammatically speaking, the rest of your fic is pretty strong! Overall, I can safely say I'd like to read more of it! Good luck! :)
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