Whilst I appreciate Jyohomson's attempt to fix my version of the introduction somewhat, I would not call my errors 'contradictions' as he named them, and some of the things he changed were either not errors in the first place or do not improve the flow of the piece.
I will place all of my comments on each of his changes in spoilers in an effort to organise this reply somewhat.
Let me begin with why I made the changes.
"Your change of '
This is not your' to '
Yours is not an' is a good change that shifts the player into the center of the scene as the person whose story it is, rather than placing the player aside and the story into the hands of the narrator, who would have been in the center. "
I suggested the change because it did not agree with the sentence that followed. This is not your average, simple story; yours.. do not agree with each other as you use a semicolon, not a full stop.
"Your correction of 'conceptions' to 'concepts' is, indeed, correct. My mistake."
Indeed.
"The change of '
They are' to '
Reality is' is the first problematic change (problematic in my eyes, at least). My intention was to imply that reality is stable, though extremely complex, and that humanity's common understanding of reality is the actual issue. Casting the common idea of reality as unstable gives the vibe that something ground-breaking, mind-boggling or otherwise thought-provoking is to come as the concept of reality is corrected, or aligned more closely to the reality of reality. Casting reality as unstable, however, suggests that reality itself is set to break apart without even being manipulated. I got the feeling that Dionen was going for the former, so that's where I tried to take it. Really, I guess either of our interpretations could be right -- Dionen should decide this for himself, I guess. "
I suggested this change because there was simply too much repetition. "They're not. They are unstable." "They" is repeated twice, which does not look nice (prepare for trouble and make it double lol). Also, using an apostrophe in one sentence and the full form in the other introduced inconsistency. I did not mean to change the meaning, I just wanted to make it look better. I don't think I have changed whatever it is that the original sentences meant, since that was never my intended purpose.
"The second modification I take issue with is the changing of the following:
You are one in seven billion like you, but you are still different.
To the following:
There are seven billion others like you, but you are different.
The change from '
You are one in seven billion like you' to '
There are seven billion others like you' removes the aspect of the player being just one among many and instead shines a spotlight on the player, leaving the seven billion others to the side. The reason I disagree with this is that my rendition implies that the player is not yet of legend but has qualities that would eventually lead to legendary status, by painting the image of a crowd of seven billion unknown entities around the player. Your rendition casts the player as already being a legend in spite of not yet having partaken in the events that would make the player into one, through the separation of the
others from the player. As such, I strongly recommend that Dionen revert this segment to the way I designed it. "
Again, I have introduced no change in meaning, I am just cleaning up whatever was written and removing repetition and, in the process, shortening sentences. "You" is repeated too much. But, unlike you suggested, the repetition does not introduce focus to "you", it just makes it annoying to read.
An edit, if I may suggest, is removing the "like you" part so that it reads "You are one in seven billion, but you are different."
"The next modification I disagree with is the change from this:
On your island, Nendios, you dream the same dream that all young trainers like yourself do -- to triumph over the Elite Four...
To this:
On your island, Nendios, you dream what all young trainers like you do -- to triumph over the Elite Four...
Your use of 'what' in reference to the player's dream as opposed to specifically referring to that dream makes the person speaking more casual, which is of detriment to the atmosphere this piece is supposed to convey. In addition, my use of 'yourself' is not erroneous, whilst your replacement of it with 'you' makes the sentence even more casual. Resultantly, I recommend that this segment is also reverted."
Again, too much repetition. You is repeated so much that there is no variety to the intro, it just becomes very redundant and boring. Dream is repeated twice, and the whole sentence sounds very, very awkward.
"Next up, I find your shortening of '
But there's more to the journey ahead of you than you could ever know' to 'But there's more to the journey ahead than you could ever know' to be unnecessary, and I personally feel it makes the sentence a little jarringly short. It's not a big deal, but I feel compelled to mention it nevertheless."
Again, I am removing repetition. A lot of words are just repeated for no reason.
"With your next edit - the change from '
Again, there are seven billion like you -- unfortunately, not many of them are as pure' to '
Again, there are seven billion like you -- however, only a handful are as pure' - is somewhat good. I do feel, however, that the description of extension to the recap as 'unfortunate' should be left in.
I therefore suggest a merged version:
Again, there are seven billion like you -- unfortunately, however, only a handful are as pure."
This will do nicely. :)
"Your second-last change is erroneous, even if you remove either part. The injection of that semicolon makes no sense -- the part that comes after it is not in response to the part prior to it nor is it expanding on the part prior; it's a suggestion in addition to the part prior. A comma here would have been acceptable, but not necessary either. If a semicolon should be anywhere, it's at the end of '
Many will try to manipulate you, and anyone similarly pure,' in place of the comma. In fact, I should really have put one here in the first place.
As for the shortening of '
or even to simply impede your progress out of envy' to '
or even impede your progress out of envy,' this change is acceptable, albeit completely unnecessary and detrimental to the implication of that segment. The inclusion of 'to simply' implies that a select few may attempt to impede the player for no reason other than their own insecurities or flaws, whereas the omission of that bit subtracts the attitude of incredulity toward that motive.
All up, I suggest reverting to my old version but injecting a semicolon in the spot I mentioned it being appropriate:
Many will try to manipulate you, and anyone similarly pure; to use you to their own ends, or even to simply impede your progress out of envy."
Your use of the semicolon makes no sense at all. The latter sentence is indeed an extension of the former. Adding "to simply" will disagree with this and make the sentence sound even more awkward than it already is. Your original sentence had awkward wording, I tried to clear it up.
Well, if not "it's a suggestion in addition to the part prior," then a dash would be the most appropriate. Your current revision is extremely awkward.
"
Life, the world, and the people within that are unpredictable, despite what some may think.
My intention here was to imply that three things are to be taken heed of:
- Life
- The world itself
- The people on the Earth; specifically, the ones that are unpredictable
I can understand how, at a glance, it may have appeared that I was trying to imply that they are all unpredictable and misworded my sentence. But I was actually intending only to refer to a section of the people in the world comprised of people who are unpredictable -- I was not implying that all people are unpredictable, nor that life or the world are. If you ask me, life and the world each sometimes have patterns that you can eventually cotton on to if you observe them closely, meaning that they are not always unpredictable. As such, I decided not to describe them as such.
Anyway, what I'm saying here is that my rendition of this segment was not erroneous, and as such could be reinstated -- although I will reconstruct my version to flow a little better for the eyes.
You must take heed of this. Life, the world and the unpredictable people within. Even in spite of those who would have you believe that all people's thoughts and actions can be predicted.
But, if Dionen likes yours better, then it's missing something and should at least be fixed as it is below:
You must take heed of this. Life, the world, and the people within -- they are all unpredictable, despite what some may think. "
Now this I find completely outrageous. "Life, the world, and the people within that are unpredictable, despite what some may think." Can you point out the verb in this sentence? It has no action whatsoever, and is just a fragment, not a complete sentence. I will be very blunt and say that this was the reason I suggested my revised version. Your improved recommendation for this part, however, is infinitely better.
It seems to me that you have throughly misunderstood what I did with your intro. Your intro was VERY, and I put emphasis on VERY, awkward. Words were out of place. Some sentences were not even sentences at all. You used improper diction and your criticism of my edits do not focus on grammar and language but on what the sentences mean, and other such trifles. You suggest reverting back to your not-so-well-done intro just because you think my edits change the meaning of the sentences. All I wanted was to improve the intro so it looks well done. And I think I have done a fair job. My edits change nothing of the original meaning. Since Dionen is the owner of the hack, you yourself cannot claim to know what the hack is about or what the intro should mean. All your arguments focus on this and this only, completely ignoring grammatical errors and word choices, while the opposite should be true.
I do agree with some of the changes that you suggest, but most are just irrelevant.
If you have a gmail account, feel free to give me your ID. I could put up a live version of this document and we can both work towards a better intro. I do not want you to take offense, since this is your intro and all I can do is suggest grammatical changes. Lets work together so we can have an intro that does justice to this hack.
And what a beautiful hack it is. I think we both can agree on that.
