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I love this story. Very creative and innovative. A job well done and my compliments to the author of this tale. Indeed, bravo. 0 0%
This story is good. Well written and neat. Keep up the good work. 0 0%
This story is okay, but feel that it's not grasping my attention. Add somekind of plot twist or surprise to keep me reading. 0 0%
This story definitely needs improvement and won't grasp my attention unless you make it better. Overall, not liked by me. 0 0%
This story is bad. I don't mean to burst your bubble, but what's going on? It doesn't make sense and needs serious improvement. 0 0%
I hate this. It has no plot, barely anything to grip my attention, and is just plain awful. You should give up until you have YEARS of experience. No apologies made. 0 0%
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  #1    
Old June 18th, 2013 (11:44 AM).
KingCepheusIII's Avatar
KingCepheusIII
Broseph Stalin
 
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: That one place with the stuff
Age: 15
Gender: Male
Nature: Sassy
This story is a sub story to a previous story I made called Pokemon: Emptiness. Some things will be changed. For example, Violet's name is now something else. Someone else in the story is named Violet. This story is not a fakemon story. This takes place in the beginning of the season of Autumn. Our heroes name is Grey Stone and his journey begins on Canvas Isle.

Chapter 1: A Trainer's Heart

August 1, 12:00 P.M.

I sat on a rock and laid back, looking into the sky with an awed look on my face. It seemed like nothing was going on in the world, like everything was at a peaceful state. But I couldn't be more wrong. Zaffre came running from my left, his glasses nearly flying off his face. He stopped in front of me, breathless. "What is it, Hawthorne," I addressed him by his last name. "I got a Pokeball!" It took me a moment to realize why that was the cause of his excitement. "So?" he began to get aggravated. "I might be able to start my Pokemon journey. I've waited four years too long. Speaking of four years, isn't your fourteenth birthday tomorrow?"

It took me a moment to think about that when I was still wrapping my finger around the Pokemon journey thing. Zaffre was right. It had been too many years and we had to eventually, get out of here. But the though of him starting his adventure before mine nearly made me gag. I remember when Bazaar had started his journey two years ago, same age as me at the time, with a Zorua at his side. I wasn't coming in third place. It suddenly dawned on me that Zaffre had still had his question unanswered. "Yeah," I responded. "It is." He stood there babbling on while I arose from my seat and walked home. "Where are you going?" I heard his call in the distance. "To start my journey," I said back as the wind blocked out his response.

August 1, 5:00 P.M.

I was still looking for a Pokeball around the time that curfew was approaching. I had been looking for about five hours, but still, no sign of anything. But I scanned the area one last time to see a glistening object in the distance. I approached the object and crouched down to pick it up. It was cold and metallic, and round with distinct look to it, like a Pokeball. It had yellow stripes on it, and a black top. I'd seen one in a book before. It was an Ultra Ball. Just then, from behind, a slithering sound came closer. I looked behind me to see an Ekans. I was too paralyzed by fear to do anything. The Ultra Ball, I thought. I quickly threw the glistening object at the snake, as it smacked it out of the way with its tail. This is it, I thought. The end. "Ekansss...," it hissed at me. Then a blue streak came from the grass and struck the beast. It quickly moved to the blue creature. "Ekansss..sss..," It hissed in anger

That Pokemon saved me, I thought. I took a closer look at this blue Pokemon to reveal its identity. It was a Riolu. A rare Pokemon from Sinnoh, but even rarer on Canvas Isle. As he fought the Ekans, they raged on until Ekans decided to forfeit. "Ek...ans..," he hissed as he moved on, with a look of defeat. Then my mind left the Ekans and focused on one thing. The Ultra Ball. I turned to pick it up. As I gripped the cold, metallic sphere, I turned to the Riolu. I threw the sphere one more. Riolu smacked the object out of the way and ran off through the grass. I noticed a small red cut across its arm. Poor little guy, I thought. But with disappointment, I picked up the Ultra Ball and looked at my watch to realize the time. 7:43 P.M. I was screwed, I thought as I ran home.

August 1, 8:02 P.M.

I walked through the door and lightly shut the door. I turned and looked around to see that my mom was nowhere in sight. Good, I thought with a sigh of relief. I then turned to see an angry mom where the door was, as she flicked the lights on. "Where have you been?" I was dazed and realized it was about five minutes past curfew. I blinked a few times. "I was just...." I thought of a lie. "Hanging out with Zaffre." Her expression lightened. "Next time, tell me," she said. "I will," I said, running up the stairs.

I knew it was early, but I was tired. It had been a long day, and I was ready to sleep. I laid in my bed, waiting for sleep to come. I felt my eyelids start to become heavy, and I started to drift into a deep sleep. I almost forgot. My hand poked out of the covers and put the Ultra Ball on my night stand. "Tomorrow...," I mumbled to myself and closed my eyes. It was about one hour before I fell into a complete sleep.

August 2, 7:57 A.M.

I woke up the next morning to an alarm that had to be going on for at least ten minutes. The time was early. A morning setting. I then realized that today was my birthday. Excitement welled up inside me. Except for one thing I had forgotten. I hadn’t caught a Pokemon yet. The haunting image of the empty Ultra Ball sat on the night stand at my side. I fought myself out of bed and walked down the stairs, fully dressed, and black tufts of hair in my face from lack of styling. She was sitting at the table with a cake.

I had forgotten about the party completely. I groaned sleepily and nearly fell down the stairs to the living room, but caught myself mid stance. “Happy Birthday,” my mother said to me from across the room. “Look who’s awake,” said Zaffre, who always woke up around 6:00 in the morning. “Whatever,” I mumbled under my breath as I walked to the table. “Blow out the candles and make a wish.” I thought about what to wish for. But only one thing came to mind. Please, I thought. Make today the start of a journey I’ll never forget. Please. I blew out the candle and ran back upstairs, alerting my mother that I had forgotten something. I swiped the Ultra Ball from the table in my room and quickly ran back downstairs.

“Mom,” I said. “Can I go out and get some air for a bit?” she thought about it for a second. “Sure, but not for too long.” I walked out the door grabbing my vest and hat off the coat rack. “Thanks,” I responded. I ran out the door and headed towards the grass again, hoping for a Pokemon to appear somewhere. But there weren’t many Pokemon in Ursa Town. All I could think about was that Riolu.

Then a hissing noise arrived behind me. A familiar one. I turned to see a giant Arbok behind me, with a scar over his eye from Riolu’s scratches. This is how I go out. A 14 year old boy who had just wanted one thing. A Pokemon of his own. Then, a familiar blue streak passed through the grass. It was Riolu

To Be Continued
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  #2    
Old June 30th, 2013 (11:08 PM).
Phantom's Avatar
Phantom
Uh, I didn't do it
Community Supporter
 
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Minnesota
Age: 24
Gender: Female
Nature: Brave
Ok. I'm generous tonight and reviewing as many fics as I can because, what can I say, the writing section needs a little love.

As for your story. Well, I glanced at your previous work, and after reading the reviews there, it seems you didn't take their advice when beginning your new story. Save for the color thing, you still made every mistake they mentioned. You haven't used correct dialogue punctuation, nor are you separating paragraphs correctly.

Most of all, perspective issues abound. Plus, none of it made any sense whatsoever. Find a random pokéball on the ground? A Riolu too! Not realistic.

Aaaand hello Gary Stu, nice to meet 'ya.

Also I wouldn't advise putting a poll on your fic to ask people what to think. It either A) makes you sound desperate and people won't even bother to read/review B) is asking to be trolled. If you want to be a writer you don't do it to please others, you do it because you enjoy it. Being attention seeking isn't a way to get your work read. I will admit, every review is something special, good or bad, but that doesn't mean you beg for them. (Straight forward or not) Every writer looks forward to them, but you should not write just to get people to like you or to get recognized. You do it to get better, to learn, and, most of all, make something you can be proud of. That being said, that doesn't mean you should skirt around grammar, format, and proper writing, they are all a part of getting to that point of making something you can look back on with pride.
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  #3    
Old July 1st, 2013 (03:05 PM).
KingCepheusIII's Avatar
KingCepheusIII
Broseph Stalin
 
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: That one place with the stuff
Age: 15
Gender: Male
Nature: Sassy
Thank you for the opinion Phantom. Clearly you care, so I will fix my mistake(s). But maybe, I'm just not cut out for the whole fan fiction thing. So, maybe I'll consider doing something else. But, I have had experience. I used to type a story called Beyblade: Metal Kings that went down the toilet after a while. I'll try at this one.

P.S.: This is a short chapter, but only because I have writers' block.

Chapter 2: Snake in the Grass

August 2, 9:00 A.M.

Riolu hadn't returned to help me. I knew that much. It probably came to settle the score with Arbok, if anything. I instantly recognized that this was the Ekans from before. He must have been. Otherwise, the determination to destroy Riolu wouldn't have crossed his face. A loud his came from Arbok. Riolu growled in response. It was a game of who was the bigger threat so far. And Arbok was winning. Riolu's look became even angrier and he lifted his fists.

"Use Force P-palm," I tried to command Riolu. Riolu gave me the evil eye and used Quick Attack. He certainly must have known what he was doing. Arbok crashed backwards and rolled in the grass. Arbok shot back up and used Poison Fang. Riolu howled in pain. He looked like he was still injured from the previous battle, and now, I had to help him out.

I reached into my pocket and picked out a small, round object. An Oran Berry I kept around for an emergency. "Come here, Riolu." He looked back, but didn't approach. He had to much pride from the look of it, and wasn't going to give up unless forced by his non-existent superior.

Riolu's palm became a bright purple color. "Riolu!" he screeched as he rushed at Arbok. A purple tail enclosed around Riolu's arm and brought him down to the floor. Then I remembered. The voice of my old teacher, Mrs. Windfield came to my head. "Remember, Fighting-Types aren't very effective to Poison-Types. This is one many basic Pokemon facts." Instantly, not even noticing, I ran over to Riolu with the Oran Berry in hand. "Take it!" Riolu still wouldn't listen. His pride was still in tact.

What a stubborn Pokemon, I thought. If he won't listen to reason, I might have to beat it into him. Arbok's mouth filled with a green liquid and shot out at Riolu. He looked like he was about to faint and at his breaking point. I couldn't bear to see this happen. I'd grown somewhat attached to Riolu and watched it fall before my eyes. "Bok," Arbok said as he slithered away.

I didn't know what to do. "Stupid," I muttered. "You should have taken the stupid berry," A tear streamed down my face. I picked up Riolu in my arms. I didn't care about anything but getting Riolu to the Pokemon Center. It was about two miles away, but I could take it. I pulled the Ultra Ball from my pocket and shot the red beam in the center at Riolu. He stayed in the Pokeball this time. Probably to weak to get out. But I didn't care at the moment. This was the start of my journey.
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  #4    
Old July 2nd, 2013 (08:06 PM).
KingCepheusIII's Avatar
KingCepheusIII
Broseph Stalin
 
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: That one place with the stuff
Age: 15
Gender: Male
Nature: Sassy
Here it is. Chapter 3. My writer's block is over, so enjoy.

P.S.: Be truthful with your reviews.

Chapter 3: The Thief of Aries Town

August 3: 10:00 A.M.

I waited outside the Pokemon Center talking to my mom on my new Pokedex (a birthday gift). "I know mom. But I had to stay at the Pokemon Center to make sure that Riolu was okay." She sounded angry with her response. "You should have been home last night, regardless! You stopped home for a few seconds with that dirty thing that you don't even know!"

That was true. I left Ophiuchius Town yesterday without a question. "Mom, I'm only about two miles away. I'll be home soon." She calmed down a bit. "Be home tonight!" She hung up the phone in a rage. She must have been pretty angry.

Nurse Joy popped out of the Pokemon Center. The Ultra Ball was in hand. "There you go! All healed up!" I grasped the familiar round shape in my hand. I had actually caught a Pokemon. It wasn't exactly conventional, considering that it hadn't really agreed to be mine. But still, regardless, it was under my possession.

Then I noticed something strange. Three Officer Jennys were lined up near the Pokemon Center. "Hey kid! Have you seen a girl in red gloves and a hat with goggles?" This took me by surprise. "No. I haven't..." I was a bit nervous. What could be going on? Was something happening? "There's been a string of Pokemon theft around the area, and we're lookin' for clues." I told them I'd keep an eye out, just in case.

I paced around for a second. A thief? What kind of thief could be around here? It was just a shabby, run down old town. Nurse Joy came running out of the Pokemon center. "Thief!" she yelled. I looked around the cobblestone streets for a second and around the small brick apartment buildings. Then, a shadow passed through the buildings. Nurse Joy pointed in the direction. "Over there!" Two Officer Jennys on motorcycles biked through the daylight. "Help," Nurse Joy repeated hopelessly. There had to be a way I could help.

Nurse Joy stopped sniffling as I approached. "Something wrong?" I asked. She looked surprised to hear kind words for a moment. "Some girl just stole all of the recently healed Pokemon. That's more than half!" I thought for a second about this. Pokemonless trainers? Not on my watch. "What can I do to help?" She looked up again. "Find her." I closed my eyes. "I will."

August 3, 3:00 P.M.

The sky was getting slightly darker, but not very. I grabbed my Pokedex from my bag. "Mom," I said as soon as she answered. "I'm not coming home today. I made a vow to the people of this town." She responded with silence. "WHAT?" came shortly after. "Bye." I closed the Pokedex before her response came from the speaker. That thief was mine.

August 3, 6:00 P.M.

After a few hours of searching, nothing was to be found. The shadows of buildings were overhead. "Hey there," came a voice from behind. I turned around. A girl in a miniskirt with leggings and a sleeveless shirt turned around. Her clothes were a crimson color in the setting sun's light. "H-Hi," I responded in a nervous skitter. I hadn't really talked to girls before, but this was a start.

The night became a slight bit darker. Me and the girl had been walking and talking for a few minutes. "You’re a trainer?" I asked. "Sort of. What about you?" I was no trainer. I was a fraud. "Sort of," I replied. She looked at me with a kind gaze. "I hope you know. I'm the thief." I couldn't believe that for a second. "You?" The shock must have emanated from my very being. "And, I'm sorry." She pulled me in for a hug. I felt a small amount of weight lifted out of my bag. "See ya later." She ran with a small black and yellow object in hand. My Riolu. "Thief!" I yelled, remembering that the Officer Jennys were still around. She ran through the corners of the building, from the motorcycles, as I followed.

To be Continued
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