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Old September 27th, 2013, 12:19 AM
Serenity1390's Avatar
Serenity1390
Mr. Fcking Popo
 
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-Oddish is a story in work. The plot set for it will have plenty of twist and turns and action around every other corner. If received well, then I'll feel more compelled to finish. I'll try to update this each day until finished, unless work takes over and doesn't allow me to write for that day.

I hope one day to make this into a ROM hack. I've minor experience but with help I'm sure that I could make it happen. Well, enjoy.

---

(=o=) Victory Road (=o=)

As Oddish appears to be fleeing in terror he is actually letting off Sweet Scent, therefore dropping the enemy's evasiveness. He then leaps while turning backwards and hits Scyther with Toxic, aimed for its open mouth, and badly poisons him. Syther falls back, and vomits from the sludge shot directly into his throat. Oddish lands with a backward roll and hops up to its feet to face the enemy.
Damon and his team fall back to inspect Syther, as he continues to spew forth his insides. Oddish uses this opportunity to hit Syther with a Venoshock, melting the unfortunate bug type Pokèmon into nothing but a green oozing, liquid pile of spurts and bubbles.

Horrified Damon watches as his beloved Syther is melted away.
Ponyta instantly rears, lands back down and fires a Flamethrower at the Oddish. Oddish dives down below the scorching flames and leaps out of the way to safety and immediately flees. Noctowl pushes through the air toward the Oddish at an alarming speed and uses his Air Slash.
Again, Oddish nimbly dodges the slice of air and uses a double team, him sprinting to the left, and his image to the right.

Damon stands guard while Eevee and Fennekin stop at attention, guarding and growling, all the while Noctowl chases the image, and Ponyta after the actual Oddish.
The Oddish uses it's Sword Dance to boosts his attack power while it continues to flee in opposite directions.
Ponyta then envelops itself in a circling flame and charges after the Oddish with a Flare Blitz, closing in on the fleeing weed Pokèmon hard and fast. Oddish then leaps high into the air with all of his might and uses his Natural Gift, throwing the held Chesto Berry it was holding onto the unsuspecting and rushing Ponyta below, causing water damage boosted by the Sword Dance, severely injuring the Ponyta.

Noctowl quickly follows suit on the image and charges, he then becomes cloaked in a harsh light and then launches himself into the image of Oddish only to discover that he has been fooled by this clever monstrosity. He flies up high while flailing it's wings in pure frustration.

The Ponyta lies crumpled and broken on the hard ground as the Oddish slowly stalks in.

Damon, Eevee and Fennekin then catch up to the action, all three rushing in, Damon sword drawn, slashes angrily at the Oddish as it nimbly dodges each slash making a complete mockery of the enraged swordsman.
Oddish then kicks low with a spin and trips Link as it launches itself with it's planted foot hard into the approaching Fennekin's skull.
Oddish, shakes off the dizziness of the impact as the Fenniken harshly recoils and rolls away.
Eevee quickly catches up to Oddish with Damon close behind, using his Quick Attack, he launches himself at the awaiting Oddish. The ever clever Oddish uses Protect and was completely unaffected by the futile attack, the Eevee harmlessly rams into the Oddish and harshly recoils.
He growls, staring at the Oddish, and the Oddish only grins back.
"Oooodish," it says in its wavering, thin and tiny voice.

The Eevee continues to growl and then charges.
Damon stands back and uses his left hand to whistle a loud screech into the air, sword held in the right and eying down the Oddish all the while.
Oddish spins and kicks the approaching Eevee away, and slowly begins to glow bright with a lime green energy, still smiling that triumphant little smile.
Noctowl swoops in for an attack in complete blind anger and utter hatred toward this tiny, seemingly defenseless looking Pokèmon.
Oddish then releases his attack, Damon shouts at the top of his lungs, "Noctowl!! No!!!!"

It was too late, there was no avoiding it. Noctowl continues to disintegrate as the ever powerful SolarBeam overtakes him and vaporizes the remains of the poor incoming Noctowl.
"Noctowlllll!!!!" Damon shouts, as he slashes wildly at the Oddish.

Eevee looks on in horror as his master, overcome with pure emotion, slashes and hacks, and attempts to cut at the nimble and playful looking Oddish.
"We were only playing." Thinks the Eevee as it continues to stare in complete horrified shock.

A sudden movement draws its attention, as the Fennekin rises and charges with its master into battle.
Oddish leaps back and hits Damon with Sleeping Powder, causing him to go limp, and drop down sleeping in mid slash. Fennekin leaps over the unconscious swordsman and attempts a bite at Oddish, only to be kicked away with a tiny yelp.

In comes a Rapidash, severely injured but charging with all of its might, head low, horn aimed straight for the vicious little creature. Damon's Ponyta had evolved to give one last shot at taking down this wicked foe and to avenge the death of his long time companion Scyther, unaware that Noctowl too had been wiped clean from existence.

Oddish merely smiles.

Rapidash uses its Giga Impact in a final attempt to eradicate this fearsome creature and charges in with all of its fury.

Oddish uses Stun Spore.

Dropped. Down goes the Rapidash.

Tears spurt forth from Damon's Eevee. No one even knew that Eevees could cry, but this one did. It stared in complete shock as the Oddish, that evil, vile, insufferable Oddish shoots Razor Leaves through the neck of another life long companion, beheading the Rapidash instantly.

Fennekin then runs off in pure terror as the Oddish then shoots them toward his direction.

Too slow though, for the leaves had caught up and pierced right through its hind legs and through its rear. Fennekin flops to the ground and tumbles as it lay there, writhing and whimpering in agony.

Oddish, head down, leaves folded down to hide its little face, rises its head to stare Eevee directly into its eyes with its beady little eyes of red.
"The epitome of evil." Thinks the Eevee, "Complete evil."

"Ooooodishhh," says the Oddish in its queer little wavering voice again.

That's when it triggered. Eevee starts changing, transforming, color fading from a brown to a purple, it's tail getting thin and splitting at the tip, it's ears growing and it's mane turning into plump and furry purple whiskers on its now highly intelligent looking face.

The newly evolved Espeon stares into the eyes of the Oddish as a red gem like circle surfaces from its forehead.
Instantly, Oddish is sent flying backwards from a powerful Psychic blast from Espeon.
Espeon stalks in, tail slowly waving back and forth as it closes in on the Oddish.
Oddish hops up and shakes it off but is then hit with a Confusion.
Oddish falls back and attempts to regain its balance. The feeling of vertigo strongly taking over.
Espeon then hits the Oddish with another Psychic, flinging him back further, then follows up with a Shadow Ball blasting the Oddish further out. Followed by another, and another.

Oddish nimbly regains balance and sprints out to the right, then uses its Double Team yet again, and rushes in opposite directions.
Another Shadow Ball is shot forth from the stalking Espeon and rids Oddish of its doppelgänger image, and then proceeds to use the move Retaliate to avenge his fallen comrades, all the while loosing off a few extra Shadow Balls.

Espeon, in the blink of an eye, warps and smashes the Oddish away with a vicious whip of its tail, warps again, smashing Oddish in the opposite direction, warps behind again and Head Butts, one more warp from above and smashes the Oddish deep into the ground.

Oddish lie under the dirt, absorbing the nutrients of the soil around it using Ingrain along with Rest, getting stronger and healthier as the seconds pass by.
Espeon then uses its Calm Mind to raise its Special Attack and Special Defence stats against this devastating opponent.

Oddish uses Protect.
Espeon uses Hyper Beam.

The ground around Oddish vanishes as the Hyper Beam spews forth from Espeon's gaping mouth. Eyes glowing bright white, the attack surrounds the tiny and unstoppable monster, the Hyper Beam subsides and Espeon is left to recharge.

Still, that insufferable Oddish continues to stare deep into Espeon's eyes with them soulless little beads of solid red. Espeon attempts to return the stare.

Espeon uses his Psyshock on Oddish, but the Oddish holds its ground and continues to grin.
Espeon then attempts a Psybeam, Oddish flips to the side .

Oddish let's loose the Petal Dance, thousands of sharp leaves gave the image of actually dancing around the Oddish. Oddish bursts with energy and they all fly toward Fennekin, shredding the poor creature to bloody bits and pieces.

Espeon flinches, pure horror.

Rage then fills the once proud Eevee/Espeon, Damon's first and most favored Pokèmon.

Damon.

His master.

Last Resort, the only move in which could finally end this nightmare and save his master. Maybe they could pull through this tragedy, (which had only started out as light hearted play) and start anew, scarred, but anew.

Espeon charges up, incredible energies circle and swarm, cloaking the Psychic Pokèmon from sight. First purple and then settling into a solid green aura.
The energy subsides and the auras flash away, a furious, green, shiny Espeon stands at attention as a dust cloud settles, subsides, blowing away with the wind.

Espeon vanishes and rams into the Oddish in the blink of an eye, Oddish is launched back with full force, absorbing the suns energy as he is flung, rolling through the air.

One last Solar Beam from Oddish and a Last Resort from Espeon.
Espeon is full force rocketing toward Oddish as the Solar Beam comes straight for him.
Espeon is then hit with memories, many, many memories of past adventures, memories of Damon and what Espeon considered his team, his best friends. Of how they had just defeated the Elite Four and were on their way home, until they decided to play with this particular Oddish.

This brings Espeon back to another (not so pleasant) memory, to where they had survived a cave-in while traveling through the tunnels of Mt. Moon. This had occurred during battle with an enraged Onix, four years previous. His Pokèmon had all worked together to pull through, but they had lost some close companions on that fateful day . This is where Damon's Fenniken came from. Damon had rescued the orphaned Fenniken from his friend before the tunnel had collapsed.

They were all gone now, except for of course, master.

There is still hope.

Espeon has faith in this final attack.

Damon slowly awakens to witness his most beloved Espeon now blasted to bits in the same manner as his Noctowl.

"EEVEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!"

Espeons last moment of peace was locking eye contact with the one person whom he had shared every instant of his life with, since the day he had broken out of that shell of the egg he was born in. And like that, Espeon was gone, with a telepathic message to his beloved master.

"Be well."

---
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  #2    
Old October 3rd, 2013, 12:57 AM
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Firstly, I must say I was shocked by the first few sentences. Scyther spewing and then melting. Ugh, that's not the kind of thing I enjoy reading, and maybe others feel the same way. A way to avoid making readers uncomfortable is to put a warning at the beginning of your story (or particular chapters) saying that this might be pretty rough and realistic with character death and stuff. I'd appreciate that, because then I could click away rather than wrinkle my nose.

We're certainly thrown into the middle of the story here. It works out, since you are explaining the background eventually. But some things are a bit too hasty. Maybe you should try to focus a bit more on descriptions, and actually pause to let the reader breathe once in a while? You do this better in the later half of the story.

Think about how you structure your paragraphs. Maybe not lump things together like this:
Quote:
The newly evolved Espeon stares into the eyes of the Oddish as a red gem like circle surfaces from its forehead.
Instantly, Oddish is sent flying backwards from a powerful Psychic blast from Espeon.
Espeon stalks in, tail slowly waving back and forth as it closes in on the Oddish.
Oddish hops up and shakes it off but is then hit with a Confusion.
Oddish falls back and attempts to regain its balance. The feeling of vertigo strongly taking over.
Espeon then hits the Oddish with another Psychic, flinging him back further, then follows up with a Shadow Ball blasting the Oddish further out. Followed by another, and another.
But rather like this:
Quote:
The newly evolved Espeon stares into the eyes of the Oddish as a red gem like circle surfaces from its forehead. Instantly, Oddish is sent flying backwards from a powerful Psychic blast from Espeon.

Espeon stalks in, tail slowly waving back and forth as it closes in on the Oddish. Oddish hops up and shakes it off but is then hit with a Confusion. Oddish falls back and attempts to regain its balance. The feeling of vertigo strongly taking over.

Espeon then hits the Oddish with another Psychic, flinging him back further, then follows up with a Shadow Ball blasting the Oddish further out. Followed by another, and another.
Now you see that it's a bit repetitive to say "Oddish does" and "Espeon does" in every sentence. Perhaps use some other descriptions, such as "the grass pokémon" or "the purple creature", just to give some variation?


Quote:
Oddish then kicks low with a spin and trips Link as it launches itself with it's planted foot hard into the approaching Fennekin's skull.
Wait what. His name is Link and he has a sword? There's something you aren't telling us here. Again, maybe put a little note in the beginning of the story alerting the reader that this is a crossover (unless he just happens to be named Link! And have a sword...).

In the very beginning also, maybe you should introduce "Damon and his team" a bit better than just stating that they exist. Unless you really want to throw the reader into it all, head first without knowing what's going on. That might be a strategy, I guess.

All in all, it was an interesting and intense piece of story :) I'd just have appreciated a bit of a warning for all the sword-slashing and pokémon deaths in the beginning. I wonder how this could be continued, seeing as everyone died. Except for Damon, I guess?
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