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  #1    
Old November 24th, 2012, 03:29 PM
MelchiorFlyer's Avatar
MelchiorFlyer
Flygon
 
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: Oregon
Gender: Female
Nature: Naive

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This is a sequel to The Checkers Story. Please read that befor reading this. It'll make a lot more sense.

I'm Aspen. I lived with my mom and dad until I was a Lv. 15 Umbreon. That's when, it happened. I was walking out to gather berries and stubled upon a rock. All the berries spilled. I fell. Down, down, down, then SPLASH!! I landed in a hole. I looked up. The trees were replaced with tall buildings, that scraped the sky. The pokemon where walking next to trainers, with food I've never seen before. "I don't think I'm in Johto anymore." I said. I sniffed. "Ugh! What is that smell?" I looked down. At my paws was rancid, sewer water. "Blech!" I said. I looked around. The only light was from the sewage grate above my head and from my glowing yellow rings. The sun started to set. The a street lamp clicked on. Then a whole line of them. Suddenly the city was as bright as day. But barely anyone was out. My stomach growled. "I have to find food." And so for three days I ate from dumpsters. Then another Umbreon appeared. From the same sewage grate. She was all white. "Hi." I said. "Agh!" She screamed. "Don't catch me! " She opened her mouth. A white ball, Shadow Ball I presumed, formed. "No stop! I'm not a trainer!" The ball went out. "Good. What is your name?" she said. "I'm Aspen. Who are you?" Her rings changed color, from orange to green. "Woah!" I said. "What? Oh! That? Yeah my rings change to match my mood." She explained. "I'm Checkers by the way. Checkers the Albino Umbreon." She smiled. We got to know each other. I showed her all the best places to find food. And she told me all the colors her rings could change. One night I slept in a puddle, because otherwise Checkers would. The next morning she screamed. "ASPEN!!" I woke up suddenly. "What?! What happened?!" She pointed at me. "You. Your not. YOU!" I looked down.

I'll write more later! Great cliffhanger eh?
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Last edited by Astinus; November 24th, 2012 at 07:55 PM.
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  #2    
Old November 24th, 2012, 09:20 PM
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MelchiorFlyer
Flygon
 
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: Oregon
Gender: Female
Nature: Naive
My ash black paws have been replaced by yellow and brown ones. I turned around. My tail was now TWO whip-like brown strips. My ears looked the same. My veins had a green substance running through them. You can tell because they where completely visible. "Aagh! What am I?!" I shouted. "I don't know! What did you lay in?" Checkers said, her rings glowing orange. That meant she was terrified. "I think it's...nuclear waste." Checkers looked aghast. "Omigosh!" Her rings started glowing brighter. "I've been exposed!!" I said, clearly being humorous. "It's not funny." Checkers said. She stifled a laugh, though. "Checkers. This is...GREAT!" Her rings changed to a surprised yellow. "What?" I grinned. "It's great! You and I are the most rarest Pokemon in the world! Besides all the other legendary Pokemon." Normal green rings now, she said. "Yeah, you're right. We are!" Her face lit up. "WE ARE THE RAREST POKEMON IN THE WORLD!!" She shouted. "Jeez. Let the whole region know why don't ya." I said.
We settled down in Castelia City. We now have a little boy, Kippy, who is a Nuclbreon. And we are the happiest rare couple in Unova. And we like it that way. -THE END.
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Last edited by MelchiorFlyer; November 25th, 2012 at 03:59 PM.
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  #3    
Old November 25th, 2012, 12:45 PM
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Astinus
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Location: Connecticut, USA
Age: 27
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If all you were adding was that short little bit, why didn't you add it before? I left your thread open because I thought that you had more than just a short addition left to post, like several chapters. The rules say to post a more complete story instead of posting little pieces.

The story reads very quickly. It starts with Aspen in the forest, and then suddenly he's in a city, meeting this strange-colored Umbreon after three days of wandering. There should be a lot more description about everything. Maybe not Aspen's life before he fell into the city, since that's not important to the story. But start of with how he fell into a city when he was in a forest. What his life is like in the city. How he feels when he meets Checkers, and how he feels when they decide to travel together. How nuclear waste was just left on the curbside of an apparently-populated city long enough for a Pokemon to sleep in it. Especially if they're in Castelia City. In the game, that city is huge. There would be plenty of places for two Pokemon to hide away.

Also, why didn't Checkers and Aspen just find some place else to sleep? If they're in a city, I'd assume that there's plenty of other places for two Pokemon to hide out for the night. If they haven't been caught yet (particularly being an Umbreon and a strange-colored Umbreon), then they must be crafty enough to hide from trainers. It makes no sense story-wise for someone to sleep in a random puddle of nuclear waste.

Grammar could also use a little improvement. For one thing, make new paragraphs by hitting the Enter button twice. This way, there's a blank line between each paragraph. It's easier to read on forums that way. And make sure to double-check for typos.

Quote:
We know have a little boy, Kippy
That should be "now".

It's an interesting story, and there's always a need for Pokemon point-of-view fics here. If you can fix up the logic of the story (like giving a reason for Aspen to lie in the puddle long enough to change) and add more description, it would be a good read. Right now, it just feels very rushed.
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  #4    
Old November 25th, 2012, 03:57 PM
MelchiorFlyer's Avatar
MelchiorFlyer
Flygon
 
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: Oregon
Gender: Female
Nature: Naive
Quote:
Originally Posted by Astinus View Post
If all you were adding was that short little bit, why didn't you add it before? I left your thread open because I thought that you had more than just a short addition left to post, like several chapters. The rules say to post a more complete story instead of posting little pieces.

The story reads very quickly. It starts with Aspen in the forest, and then suddenly he's in a city, meeting this strange-colored Umbreon after three days of wandering. There should be a lot more description about everything. Maybe not Aspen's life before he fell into the city, since that's not important to the story. But start of with how he fell into a city when he was in a forest. What his life is like in the city. How he feels when he meets Checkers, and how he feels when they decide to travel together. How nuclear waste was just left on the curbside of an apparently-populated city long enough for a Pokemon to sleep in it. Especially if they're in Castelia City. In the game, that city is huge. There would be plenty of places for two Pokemon to hide away.

Also, why didn't Checkers and Aspen just find some place else to sleep? If they're in a city, I'd assume that there's plenty of other places for two Pokemon to hide out for the night. If they haven't been caught yet (particularly being an Umbreon and a strange-colored Umbreon), then they must be crafty enough to hide from trainers. It makes no sense story-wise for someone to sleep in a random puddle of nuclear waste.

Grammar could also use a little improvement. For one thing, make new paragraphs by hitting the Enter button twice. This way, there's a blank line between each paragraph. It's easier to read on forums that way. And make sure to double-check for typos.


That should be "now".

It's an interesting story, and there's always a need for Pokemon point-of-view fics here. If you can fix up the logic of the story (like giving a reason for Aspen to lie in the puddle long enough to change) and add more description, it would be a good read. Right now, it just feels very rushed.
I added that little bit because I was at my Grandma's house and I had to get off before I could finish. But I am more of a short story person. If I added more it would be to long for me and I could get a little bored and stray off topic. But thanks for the pointers! Well, the cardboard box that I thought about was a little small and I liked the sewer idea. I wanted to have some "random puddle of nuclear waste" because it would make the story a whole lot more interesting. Plus I liked the idea of a poison type eevee-lution. I will fix that typo. Thanks again for the pointers!

It may not be the best. But I like it. It doesn't need to go in the archives. I like it. So it's in the archive of my mind.
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X/Y Friend Code: 4313-1485-3689
Friend Safari: Bug ~ Butterfree, Beautifly, Vivillion (I think)

PM Me if you add me~!

Flygon is my bby~!

Last edited by Astinus; November 26th, 2012 at 10:47 AM.
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  #5    
Old November 26th, 2012, 12:42 AM
Phantom's Avatar
Phantom
Uh, I didn't do it
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Minnesota
Age: 23
Gender: Female
Nature: Brave
Quote:
Originally Posted by Checkers_Albino_Umbreon View Post
I added that little bit because I was at my Grandma's house and I had to get off before I could finish. But I am more of a short story person. If I added more it would be to long for me and I could get a little bored and stray off topic. But thanks for the pointers! Well, the cardboard box that I thought about was a little small and I liked the sewer idea. I wanted to have some "random puddle of nuclear waste" because it would make the story a whole lot more interesting. Plus I liked the idea of a poison type eevee-lution. I will fix that typo. Thanks again for the pointers!

Then you save it, finish it later, then post the entire chapter. As of right now it's not a short story; it's a paragraph.

Overall there are so many errors I won't even bother to get to them. Aside from what the others have said there are more errors that weren't mentioned already. I suggest using a writing program, that will catch the basic errors like spelling. Anything like Word or OpenOffice would do.

Why are you just adding random things that have nothing to do with the story? It's a bad idea and distracting for anyone who bothers to read this.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Checkers_Albino_Umbreon View Post
It may not be the best. But I like it. It doesn't need to go in the archives. I like it. So it's in the archive of my mind.
That's great for you, but not for posting on the forums. There are rules and guidelines you have to follow.
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  #6    
Old November 26th, 2012, 11:51 AM
Astinus's Avatar
Astinus
Remember NovEnder
 
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Connecticut, USA
Age: 27
Gender: Male
Quote:
Originally Posted by Checkers_Albino_Umbreon View Post
I added that little bit because I was at my Grandma's house and I had to get off before I could finish.
Even if you're on different computers, you can still PM the story to yourself so you can work on it later. Or maybe even start writing it on paper so that when you get home, you can type what you wrote and then add the rest when you're at your regular computer.

Quote:
But I am more of a short story person. If I added more it would be to long for me and I could get a little bored and stray off topic.
Short stories are fine, but I'm not asking you to add more to the plot. You just need more details for things to make sense. For instance, you never mentioned that there was a too-small cardboard box, and that was why Aspen slept outside. Even just by mentioning that, the story starts to make a little more sense.

Quote:
It may not be the best. But I like it. It doesn't need to go in the archives. I like it. So it's in the archive of my mind.
If you like it just how it is and won't follow any of the advice given, then maybe you shouldn't have posted this on the forums? You're going to get feedback here and there are rules here to follow.
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