• Our software update is now concluded. You will need to reset your password to log in. In order to do this, you will have to click "Log in" in the top right corner and then "Forgot your password?".
  • Welcome to PokéCommunity! Register now and join one of the best fan communities on the 'net to talk Pokémon and more! We are not affiliated with The Pokémon Company or Nintendo.

[Pokémon] :Survival (FINALLY DONE!)

DracoLatch

http://www.pokecommunity.com/s
171
Posts
12
Years
  • Age 23
  • Seen Dec 1, 2022
WARNING: SOME SCENES INCLUDE EXTREMELY GOREY BLOODEY AND DUSTURBING VILENCE, MILD CURSING
[This story includes a soundtrack! www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLs5l0Lm2vo2mxHNSgo3VTYVwwD7bkMkk3&h=GAQFAfUfN]
This is a story called Pokemon: Survival, where Pokemon have turned against humanity, and in order for the human race to survive, they must do all they can to try and kill the enemy Pokemon. The only information you need to know ahead of time is that humans have learned to use Pokemon moves with/by using their weapons and fighting styles to trigger them.

Prologue : "I've killed one of the legionaries before"
Spoiler:

Chapter 1: The Screamer And The Whisperer
Spoiler:


Chapter 2: The youth don't understand
Spoiler:


CHAPTER 3: You think you're the only one with fate?
Spoiler:


Chapter 4: "Things are getting serious"
Spoiler:


Chapter 5: "The journey begins... again"
Spoiler:


Chapter 6
Spoiler:




Chapter 7: "It's time to get serious."
Spoiler:


Chapter 8: "Damn everything..."
Spoiler:


Chapter 9: "Tonight, things change"
Spoiler:



Chapter 10: "No one deserves to die that way..."
Spoiler:


Chapter 11: "I survived..."
Spoiler:


Chapter 12: Epilogue
I'd like to thank all of those who supported me in the making of Pokemon Survival. This is the first fanfic I've ever finished, and it means EVERYTHING to me for you support. Even if all you did was look at it, review some of it, or didn't even like it, it means a lot to me. I hope you enjoyed it, and maybe someday, a sequel could be in front of your very eyes. Have an amazing life-everyone, and I love you all.
 
Last edited:
37,467
Posts
16
Years
  • Age 34
  • Seen Apr 2, 2024
This was exciting to read! I like how it started off in the midst of action.

However, there are some simple things you could change to improve your story's readability. Firstly, you need to make proper paragraphs. Don't lump all the text together in one huuuuge paragraph! Make a habit of pressing Enter every time a new person speaks, for starters. Secondly, there is usually no need to use capital letters throughout a sentence. At least not as much as you do. An exclamation mark at the end and a clarification like he screamed/shouted/cried/roared or whatever fits, looks much neater, in my opinion :3

I can't wait to read on though, it's an intriguing story you've got going with the Hollow Renegade Team. I'm curious if you have the plot planned out already or think it up as you go?
 

DracoLatch

http://www.pokecommunity.com/s
171
Posts
12
Years
  • Age 23
  • Seen Dec 1, 2022
This was exciting to read! I like how it started off in the midst of action.

However, there are some simple things you could change to improve your story's readability. Firstly, you need to make proper paragraphs. Don't lump all the text together in one huuuuge paragraph! Make a habit of pressing Enter every time a new person speaks, for starters. Secondly, there is usually no need to use capital letters throughout a sentence. At least not as much as you do. An exclamation mark at the end and a clarification like he screamed/shouted/cried/roared or whatever fits, looks much neater, in my opinion :3

I can't wait to read on though, it's an intriguing story you've got going with the Hollow Renegade Team. I'm curious if you have the plot planned out already or think it up as you go?

I plan out the important stuff, and then add descriptive details to make the little parts get bigger as I go. Ty for the compliments, and the helpful criticism.
 

Bay

6,385
Posts
17
Years
I do agree with adventure that you could have the story broken down in several paragraphs to have the story be read much more easier. I'm not sure if you used a writing program like Word or Google Docs, but I think having your stories written in one of those programs first and then post it in the forums is a much better solution.

"Ex..... You... you killed it!" Thompson shouted in disbelief. "Killed...? All I did was slice off it-" Before I could finish my sentence, Giratina's tail was gone. Madison and Thompson looked at me as if I was a hero... but there was no way that happened. Giratina can regenerate its tail... and realistically, a weakling like me, beating a legendary Pokemon in two hits? It takes me an hour to rough up a Pidgey... there's no way Giratina could have been killed by that. "Oh my Arceus, OH MY ARCEUS, HOW THE HELL IS THIS POSSIBLE?! THIS IS AMAZING-THAT WAS THE MOST AMAZING THING I'VE EVER SEEN, and we got that all on video?! WE'RE SENDING YOU TO THE HOLLOW RENEGADE TEAM, EX!!! WE'RE SENDING YOU RIGHT NOW." Madison cheered in joy.

adventure mentioned pressing enter each time a new person speaks. You can have this part be broken down like this:

"Ex..... You... you killed it!" Thompson shouted in disbelief.

"Killed...? All I did was slice off it-" Before I could finish my sentence, Giratina's tail was gone. Madison and Thompson looked at me as if I was a hero... but there was no way that happened. Giratina can regenerate its tail... and realistically, a weakling like me, beating a legendary Pokemon in two hits? It takes me an hour to rough up a Pidgey... there's no way Giratina could have been killed by that.

"Oh my Arceus, OH MY ARCEUS, HOW THE HELL IS THIS POSSIBLE?! THIS IS AMAZING-THAT WAS THE MOST AMAZING THING I'VE EVER SEEN, and we got that all on video?! WE'RE SENDING YOU TO THE HOLLOW RENEGADE TEAM, EX!!! WE'RE SENDING YOU RIGHT NOW." Madison cheered in joy.


Noticed how each paragraph someone new spoke? First Thompson, then your narrator, and then Madison. Many published works follow this format whenever there's dialogue. As I read Chapter One I notice you got the hang of separating paragraphs, but the dialogues are still squeezed in together. Having a new paragraph each time someone new speaks makes reading dialogue much easier to follow.

The Writing Resources thread in the writing lounge section should have several links on paragraphing and writing mechanics. I understand paragraphs aren't that easy and I had a hard time when to do new paragraphs too when I first started writing. Definitely worth a check!

"WHAT IN THE NAME OF ALL THAT IS MIGHTY WAS THAT?! I WANT YOU TO STAND ON YOUR FEET WHEN YOUR SALUTE, DAMN IT, AND ANSWER LIKE YOU MEAN IT!!! DO YOU UNDERSTAND?!" He repeated himself, adding more detail of the formal way to salute.

I also noticed whenever a character shouts you have it in full caps. I've seen instances in published works some dialogue are in full caps, but not as much as you have here. As adventure said, saying "he screamed" and such the readers already figured out the speaker is saying something loudly. You can have it like this instead:

"What in the name of all that is might was that?! I want you to stand on your feet when you salute, damn it, and answer like you mean it! Do you understand?!" He repeated himself, adding more detail of the formal way to salute.

With those out of the way, I do agree the way you have the beginning start with some action is very nice! Can't get any crazier than battling a legendary, haha.

I do admit the parts where Ex interacted with the taxi driver and the hotel receptionist made me chuckle. Pretty impatient there on both accounts, haha. I also like the part where Ex mentioned he was named after the Kalos protagonist. I can understand that being embarrassing. :P Although, curious why you chose X instead of Calem as the games have a default name already for him.

"So...did the man leave because of the rumor that his daughter was murdered by a Deoxys, and that he was too weak to fight back against the Deoxys' strength?" The boy asked. The entire crowd gasped, one of the people next to Lewis even had the nerve to look pissed and clinch his hands in the air, mouthing 'why would you ask something like that?!'.

This particular part is very interesting. Yeah, I can imagine this kind of information is something you probably shouldn't say in public. I'm also looking forward to what kind of action Ex will be thrown into right away.

While the story could benefit from cleaner formatting, I do think the concept so far is very interesting, so I'm looking forward to what you have in store next. I hope some of the advice makes sense and I wish you luck on future chapters!
 

DracoLatch

http://www.pokecommunity.com/s
171
Posts
12
Years
  • Age 23
  • Seen Dec 1, 2022
I do agree with adventure that you could have the story broken down in several paragraphs to have the story be read much more easier. I'm not sure if you used a writing program like Word or Google Docs, but I think having your stories written in one of those programs first and then post it in the forums is a much better solution.



adventure mentioned pressing enter each time a new person speaks. You can have this part be broken down like this:

"Ex..... You... you killed it!" Thompson shouted in disbelief.

"Killed...? All I did was slice off it-" Before I could finish my sentence, Giratina's tail was gone. Madison and Thompson looked at me as if I was a hero... but there was no way that happened. Giratina can regenerate its tail... and realistically, a weakling like me, beating a legendary Pokemon in two hits? It takes me an hour to rough up a Pidgey... there's no way Giratina could have been killed by that.

"Oh my Arceus, OH MY ARCEUS, HOW THE HELL IS THIS POSSIBLE?! THIS IS AMAZING-THAT WAS THE MOST AMAZING THING I'VE EVER SEEN, and we got that all on video?! WE'RE SENDING YOU TO THE HOLLOW RENEGADE TEAM, EX!!! WE'RE SENDING YOU RIGHT NOW." Madison cheered in joy.


Noticed how each paragraph someone new spoke? First Thompson, then your narrator, and then Madison. Many published works follow this format whenever there's dialogue. As I read Chapter One I notice you got the hang of separating paragraphs, but the dialogues are still squeezed in together. Having a new paragraph each time someone new speaks makes reading dialogue much easier to follow.

The Writing Resources thread in the writing lounge section should have several links on paragraphing and writing mechanics. I understand paragraphs aren't that easy and I had a hard time when to do new paragraphs too when I first started writing. Definitely worth a check!



I also noticed whenever a character shouts you have it in full caps. I've seen instances in published works some dialogue are in full caps, but not as much as you have here. As adventure said, saying "he screamed" and such the readers already figured out the speaker is saying something loudly. You can have it like this instead:

"What in the name of all that is might was that?! I want you to stand on your feet when you salute, damn it, and answer like you mean it! Do you understand?!" He repeated himself, adding more detail of the formal way to salute.

With those out of the way, I do agree the way you have the beginning start with some action is very nice! Can't get any crazier than battling a legendary, haha.

I do admit the parts where Ex interacted with the taxi driver and the hotel receptionist made me chuckle. Pretty impatient there on both accounts, haha. I also like the part where Ex mentioned he was named after the Kalos protagonist. I can understand that being embarrassing. :P Although, curious why you chose X instead of Calem as the games have a default name already for him.



This particular part is very interesting. Yeah, I can imagine this kind of information is something you probably shouldn't say in public. I'm also looking forward to what kind of action Ex will be thrown into right away.

While the story could benefit from cleaner formatting, I do think the concept so far is very interesting, so I'm looking forward to what you have in store next. I hope some of the advice makes sense and I wish you luck on future chapters!

Ty for the constructive criticism. I'll get to work on editing it so that there is clean paragraphs and new paragraphs between the speech, as well as taking away unnecessary caps. I'm glad you enjoyed my story, and new chapters are definently on their way!
 

DracoLatch

http://www.pokecommunity.com/s
171
Posts
12
Years
  • Age 23
  • Seen Dec 1, 2022
UPDATE: I have added the new chapters 2 and 3, as well as some of the revisions said in the comments
 

DracoLatch

http://www.pokecommunity.com/s
171
Posts
12
Years
  • Age 23
  • Seen Dec 1, 2022
Update: Using the "spoiler" system, I've finally found a way to make the chapters appear more organized!
 

DracoLatch

http://www.pokecommunity.com/s
171
Posts
12
Years
  • Age 23
  • Seen Dec 1, 2022
(Chapter 9 is completed)
Chapter 9: "Tonight, things change"
Spoiler:
 

DracoLatch

http://www.pokecommunity.com/s
171
Posts
12
Years
  • Age 23
  • Seen Dec 1, 2022
(Chapter 10 is out)
Chapter 10: "No one deserves to die that way..."
Spoiler:
 

DracoLatch

http://www.pokecommunity.com/s
171
Posts
12
Years
  • Age 23
  • Seen Dec 1, 2022
Chapter 11: "I survived..."
Spoiler:
 
161
Posts
8
Years
I've started reading, and so far I'm enjoying it. A world where pokemons are killed sounds kinda harsh, but it's interesting to me.

Also Chapter 3, the old woman and the mugger part, she grabbed her purse and ran before Ex started to wonder about his flaming fists, then she grabbed her purse and ran again. Sorry, can't quote it, I am still new here.
 

DracoLatch

http://www.pokecommunity.com/s
171
Posts
12
Years
  • Age 23
  • Seen Dec 1, 2022
I've started reading, and so far I'm enjoying it. A world where pokemons are killed sounds kinda harsh, but it's interesting to me.

Also Chapter 3, the old woman and the mugger part, she grabbed her purse and ran before Ex started to wonder about his flaming fists, then she grabbed her purse and ran again. Sorry, can't quote it, I am still new here.

Yeah every now and then I accidentally have little time errors in my stories XD Thanks for pointing that out
And yes, EVERYTHING about this story is pretty harsh.
 

DracoLatch

http://www.pokecommunity.com/s
171
Posts
12
Years
  • Age 23
  • Seen Dec 1, 2022
A sequel is in the works ^_^ It's gonna be 10 times as bad ass
 
Back
Top