The PokéCommunity Forums  

Go Back   The PokéCommunity Forums > Creative Discussions > Fan Fiction and Writing
Sign Up Rules/FAQ Live Battle Blogs Mark Forums Read

Notices

Fan Fiction and Writing Submit your stories and poems.


Reply
Click here to go to the first staff post in this thread.  
Thread Tools
  #1    
Old July 4th, 2010, 11:51 AM
IceKing's Avatar
IceKing
Mime Jr.
 
Join Date: Mar 2005
Gender:
If you guys like reading battles, this is for you. Fairly straightforward fic presented in several installment about a championship battle. The first fic I ever wrote nearly 6 years ago was this awful one about the silver cup championship battle, and this is a rewrite of it I guess.

Part I


In the center of the arena, the behemoth Snorlax collapsed. Limbs sprawled out, his deafening snores boomed through the arena. Jack, the pokemon’s teenage trainer from Olivine, gritted his teeth, praying his pokemon would wake up in time. He was battling one of his best friends, but she certainly didn’t hold back for friendship sake.

“Persephone, eat that glutton's dreams!” the opposing trainer commanded with a grin. Her name was Ophelia, one of the most ferocious trainers in all of Johto.

Her official battle record was 107-12, but statistics couldn’t begin to reflect her power. She came from a long line of powerful female trainers. Rainey Zaparto, her grandmother, was the first female in the Kanto-Johto Elite Four. Defying stereotypes, Ophelia raised powerhouses rather than the grass and water pokemon other women generally specialized in.

But she made an exception for her Jynx, her very first pokemon. The glacial psychic grinned like her trainer. The feminine pokemon brushed back some of her long blonde hair with a single purple finger and then pointed it at her foe’s head. Her eyes became milky white, and her hair stood on its ends as she burst into a purple aura.

The Snorlax groaned in agony as the Jynx summoned a line of grey matter from his head into hers. His mind couldn’t bear the assault…

“Snorlax is unable to battle! The winner of the round, and proceeding to the Johto Silver Cup Finals is Ophelia Hardwell!”

***

Moments after Ophelia was declared victorious, the other Semifinal round drew to a close.

“NO! Alakazam!” cried Prava Battacharya, one of the best Psychic trainers in the entire country.

The king of psychics tumbled down in a burst of purple and black. Standing proudly above him, a witch-like shadowy figure cackled and waved her arm around the fallen sage's body, reading his remaining life force.

The Alakazam, covered in residual dark energy, struggled to his knees.

“End him.”

Miles Bloodsworth rarely spoke during a battle. His pokemon were so well trained they often knew what to do without command. But when he did speak, his voice was soft, but cold and deadly. He avoided the glitz and glammer of an elite trainer’s life. He was reclusive, spending most of his time with his pokemon.

His Mismagius cackled again and lifted her arm towards the Alakazam’s heart. A jet of green light flew from her hand and struck its chest.

Oh.

The psychic fell on his face.

“Alakazam is unable to battle. With an unprecedented three pokemon remaining and going into the finals, the winner of the battle is Miles Bloodsworth!

***

“To Ophelia!”

“TO OPHELIA!”

“Shut the hell up, you idiots!”

The four friends took a generous swig of their drinks. Ophelia gave a rare smirk as she slammed her bottle onto the bar table. It was packed with tournament contestants, some drinking their sorrows away, some just celebrating the end of another good season.

With her hat and glasses, Ophelia had faded into the background. Now her friends and former competitors, Jack, Whitney and Bugsy, had given her identity away. And the other people in the bar whispered and pointed excitedly.

They finished their Xangoose Islands (although Whitney opted for a glass of milk and stood up. “Let’s blow this joint. I should probably start preparing.”

***

They headed back to their PokeCenter to get down to business. It was late at night, but they still had plenty of work ahead. Ophelia was joined by her friends (and former opponents) Jack, Whitney, and Bugsy. This was their second time competing in the Silver Cup. The year before, they all lost in the fourth round, finishing in the Sweet 16. But after much hard training, one of their own had a chance of taking first place.

“Oh Ophie! That Bloodsworth creep is a tough one. Still can't believe he got me out round five! He’s a beast,” Bugsy warned as he scanned his laptop through months of data on the psychic trainer.

“I swear to Celebi, if you call me that one more time, I’m going to rip your nuts off with a spoon,” Ophelia growled, trying to read a passage in a book about Paralysis-countering techniques.

“This kid beat Prava Battacharya with three pokemon left! That’s unheard of in the semifinals! He didn’t even get to use that damn Slowking of his,” Jack muttered. He was disappointed by his earlier loss, but put it aside and devoted all his energy to helping her win the Championship. After all, if she was good enough to beat him, she had to be able to beat anyone.

“Now ya’ll let’s stop freaking Ophelia out, you know she’s good enough to clobber that weirdo,” Whitney said with a grin.

“Let’s stay sportsman-like guys…” Ophelia muttered under her breath. She closed her large book with a sigh and looked at the huge pile of books with disgust. “That’s it, I’m not studying anymore.”

Her friends looked at her in shock, Bugsy opened his mouth to protest, but Ophelia interrupted.

“I nearly lost in Round Four again because I tried to analyze my opponent’s team too much. If there’s one thing I learned this past year: it’s not these that makes or break a big battle,” Ophelia said, gesturing to the books and Bugsy’s laptop. “It’s all about intuition and thinking on your feet. I’m not going to devise any grand strategy in advance. My pokemon are strong. They can do this.”

“Well said, but you really should think about his Slowking…it's slated to win the MVP award for the entire tournament! It’s undefeated you know! But I think I figured out his weakness…apparently—“

“Dude, she’s gone,” Jack interjected with a laugh.

***

Ophelia went to one of the largest rooms in the PokeCenter where her ten strongest pokemon were waiting, free from their pokeballs. They perked their heads up in excitement. She walked among them and grinned. Her Jynx came up and hugged her as always.

“Guys, this is what these seven years have been leading up to. We’re close to being ranked as the best team in the Johto. We’re already guaranteed a spot in the National Tournament!” She started to touch each of her pokemon individually, ruffling the silly ones’ heads and patting others on the back. She moved toward her Machamp who picked her up and put her on his shoulders.

“We’re so close. I know a lot of people would be grinding your noses to the ground right now. I don’t want to do that. We’ve gotten this far. We’re good enough to take it all. I’m so proud all of you. Now, let’s get a good night of sleep!”

***

In another room in the PokeCenter, Miles Bloodsworth sat Indian-style with his pokemon. Eyes closed. Dead silence. They were honing their minds and powers for the day ahead of them. Abruptly his eyes shot open, and he stood up. He turned around and gave his team a curt nod before leaving the room.

As he left the room, Ophelia was leaving her room. She paused for a moment and smiled at him. But Miles kept on walking.

***

“Where’s Ophelia?” screamed Jack.

It was fresh and early at 6 in the morning, and Ophelia was nowhere in sight. It wasn’t entirely surprising; she had the tendency to do things like that.

“I don’t know! When I woke up, she was already gone!” mumbled Whitney, who was still in her pajamas.

“But I need to talk to her! I just read about this perfect ParaFuse strategy that’s bound to…”

“SHUT UP, BUGSY!”

Ophelia was in the stadium two hours ahead of time. She sat in a random stadium seat leaning back and resting her legs on the chair ahead. She looked at the thousands of empty seats in the stadium with a half-grin. That grin belied a stomach twisted in knots.

On her lap were ten pokeballs. The whole team. Choosing which six she would take into the final battle was the hardest choice—they all deserved it. After hours of internal turmoil, she thought of the best strategy.

She set aside her Jynx’s pokeball, and lined up her remaining nine.

“Eeeny—meany—miny—mo”

***

“Oh my GOD! I’m so excited! This is going to be one of the BEST championship battles EVER!” Heather Bergeron was the organizer of the Silver Cup tournament, which she won five years ago. Although Ophelia and Miles had pretty different personalities, they united in their hatred of Heather.

“You two are two of the BEST trainers I have EVER seen. If only we could have like…joint-champions. Because you two would completely deserve it.”

A vein was slowly throbbing in Ophelia’s temple. Miles continued to stare blankly into space. Ophelia suspected he was able to go deaf at will.

“So remember that this is going to be your standard 6-on-6 battle. The rules and limits that governed your quarter and semifinal rounds are GONE, GONE, GONE! Anything goes! Well, within reason. Nevertheless, it’s a true test of your skill!”

Heather gave an excited squeal and pulled out some brochures from her pocket.

“So let me remind you what the perks of winning are! Not only do BOTH of you get to represent Johto in the National Tournament—but the Champion gets a full-ride scholarship to the PokeUniversity. 9 out of 10 of the past champions, myself included, have gone on to be members of the Elite Pokemon Trainers League. You get $10,000 in prize money, a full special pokeball set courtesy of our dear Kurt, a special pass that allows you in areas restricted only to the best pokemon trainers in the world—it’s all right here in this brochure that I made—see look!”

They were gone.

***

It was the perfect morning for a battle. Cloudy but warm. Every seat in the stadium that Ophelia spent the morning gazing at was filled with locals, citizens from all over Johto (and even other regions), and some of the most notable people in the Pokemon World: Professor Oak and Elm, all 8 Johto gym leaders, heads of different battle leagues and research organizations, and it was even rumored members of the Elite Four were watching.

Ophelia and Miles entered their respective booths at either end of the stadium. The referee got into the center of the arena holding both a red and blue flag. The massive black speakers mounted on the different corners of the stadium boomed.

“Good morning, Johto! This is Buena from Station 10.5, and today I will be your commentator for the Championship Battle of the Silver Cup Tournament.”

She was immediately drowned out by the raucous cheers of the crowd. They were antsy to watch a good battle.

“On the West Side we have Ophelia Hardwell of Goldenrod City. The granddaughter of former Elite Four member Rainey Zaparto and honored by Trainer Monthly for Johto's most powerhouse team!”

More cheers, the loudest coming from the West Dugout where Jack, Whitney and Bugsy watched Ophelia.

“On the East Side, we have Miles Bloodsworth of Ecruteak City. Although he’s a quiet one, he made history when he was admitted into the Psychic Academy at the age of twelve! His Slowking is the only undefeated pokemon in this entire league!”

Although the cheers were a lot softer, a large section of the stadium applauded gently in unison.

“Let the battle begin!”

“Pinsir! Go!” cried Ophelia.

“Qwilfish, begin,” said Miles.

PINSIR VS QWILFISH

The field was a vast, rocky circle shaped like a pokeball, with a small pool in the center. A beam of white light materialized in the center of the pool. A volleyball-sized blue and white fish pokemon bobbed up and down in the blue tides. Jagged points with venom dripping at their ends jutted out from every inch of the Qwilfish’s body.

Near the pool, Ophelia’s Pinsir emerged, a menacing brown insect with two large spiked horns that clicked together threateningly. His eyes locked with his opponent’s and they both growled and hissed at each other—attempting to out intimidate each other. The Pinsir's mouth frothed, jagged teeth clicking each other.

“Mark your territory,” Miles ordered.

“Dodge with Swords Dance!” retorted Ophelia.

With a deep gulp, Qwilfish swallowed dozens of gallons of water and inflated ten times his size. He bobbed back and forth until his mouth faced the bottom of the pool. Water exploded from his throat at seventy miles an hour, and the force sent hundreds of venomous needles rocketing from his body all over the stadium field.

The Pinsir leaped around the stadium, twirling and pirouetting his arms and horns as he fled the barrage of toxic spikes. It would almost look like ballet, except performed by a terrifying bug pokemon. After a minute, the Qwilfish returned to normal size and the Pinsir landed on safe ground, glistening with boosted power.

Ophelia’s brow furrowed as she noticed the entire stadium field saturated in sharp, poisonous needles. This made moving around a lot more challenging. But as she tried to plan her next move, the Qwilfish attacked.

It inflated with water again and fired a jet of water right at the Pinsir’s chest. The beast instinctively leaped out of the way, landing on a particularly sharp needle. He keeled over in pain, but he had no time to wince.

“Get ‘em in the water! There’s no poison in there!” Ophelia shouted.

Pinsir jumped high and dove down towards his rapidly deflating opponent. He caught the fish in between his spiky horns and squeezed. The poisonous fish cried in pain, but exploded with a deep purple ink. Pinsir immediately relented, thrashing wildly in the now toxic water. The Qwilfish rammed the bug repeatedly, recovering quickly from the attack.

“Uh-oh! Ophelia is in trouble! The entire stadium is covered in poisonous traps, perhaps it’s time for her to call it quits!”

“Get him out of the water!”

The Pinsir gritted his teeth, and as the Qwilfish went into tackle him once again, the Pinsir grabbed the Qwilfish by its tail. He whipped it above the water, swung it around in circles and threw it onto the field.

The fish flailed as it landed on the field, gasping for oxygen. Pinsir leaped onto a needle-free patch of ground, hacking and coughing clumps of purple poison from his stomach.

Miles Bloodsworth stared blankly at his suffering pokemon with no response. The Pinsir dove in for the final blow.

“Qwilfish is unable to battle! Pinsir is the victor!”

Miles recalled his pokemon and sent out another without a single thought or hesitation.

The light materialized directly above the pool. At first, there was nothing except a large black shadow on the water's surface. Then, the shadow rose and formed into a black witch-like ghost.

“Magggggeeeeee!”

“This is unexpected! Miles has sent out one of his most powerful pokemon already—a Mismagius that won him the Semifinals!”

MISMAGIUS VS PINSIR

The ghost floated higher into the air and glared at Pinsir, wincing in pain from the poison swimming in his blood. He had nowhere to move because of the toxic spikes covering the stadium. His opponent didn’t have to worry about them.

Before Ophelia could even act, Miles knew what she wanted to do.

“Keep him here.”

The Mismagius’s eyes turned large and white, and Pinsir glowed white too. The Mean Look had trapped him. Ophelia could not call him back. He was the perfect target.

“Pinsir, Earthquake!”

Pinsir held its fists high into the air and used every drop of power he had left as he punched the ground. Soon, the entire field shook ominously: the water from the pool splashed like waves; weak parts of the field broke open. While all this happened, the Mismagius simply floated in the air and laughed, unfazed by the ground attack.

“The attack had no effect on Mismagius! OH! I see what she did! The Pinsir is now able to move around in the cracks of the stadium that are completely spike-free!”

And Pinsir started to jumped, gaining in on the ghost that continued to eye him eerily. Finally, he lunged with his horns ready to cut her in two. But Mismagius vanished into a puff of black air, and Pinsir landed on his belly, right into a pile of spiky needles.

As he rose in agony, the Mismagius reappeared in front of him. Her eyes became yellow this time, and a glistening golden sphere appeared in front of her. With a nod of her head, the sphere flew right into the Pinsir’s chest. The bug flew back, landing on another pile of sharp needles.

“Pinsir’s attack missed—but Mismagius got him square in the chest with a Power Gem! Oh Ophelia trained this Pinsir to be a trooper, he’s standing up and he’s ready for more!”

He huffed and puffed, drained from the poisoning and repeated assaults.

“Pinsir, use the field again, Rock Slide!”

With considerably less power than his Earthquake, Pinsir slammed the ground around him with powerful brute force. Four large chunks of the field hurled towards the ghost whose eyes turned bright green. Out of nowhere, a flurry of leaves, tinged pink, appeared around Mismagius. She nodded her head again and the leaves shot towards the rocks, slicing each of them in half.

Pinsir gave a look of horror and disbelief before falling to his hands and knees. He gave a great gasp for air and collapsed, succumbing to the poison.

“Pinsir is unable to battle! Mismagius is the winner!”

“Pinsir couldn't land a single blow on his opponent. And Ms. Hardwell still has to deal with a field completely covered in poison! Can she get herself out of this rut?”

“Oh you betcha,” Ophelia mumbled sarcastically as she grabbed her next pokeball.
__________________
Wow...my writingness has changed since my last siggy. That is all.

Last edited by IceKing; December 19th, 2012 at 08:52 PM. Reason: Writing clean up
Reply With Quote
  #2    
Old July 4th, 2010, 12:32 PM
KingNerd64
Beginning Trainer
 
Join Date: Jul 2010
Gender: Male
Very good so far

One spelling mistake which I found - putting a 'h' infront of air making it hair.

Also, what are the numbers for ?

Perhaps you cold do a mid-battle flack-back about her more 'special' pokemon who she has a bond with and she brings them out onto the field ?

Keep up the good work :]
Reply With Quote
  #3    
Old December 8th, 2012, 06:56 PM
IceKing's Avatar
IceKing
Mime Jr.
 
Join Date: Mar 2005
Gender:
I'm going to revive this...it's completed and there's about 6 more installments to go


TROPIUS VS MISMAGIUS


“Tropius, go!”

“TROPHY! TROPHY!”

In mid-air, a bulky dinosaur-like flying creature materialized, the color of tree bark with four great emerald palm leaves as wings and a string of ripe bananas around its neck. It seemed unlikely that wings as fragile looking as the Tropius’s could keep such a heavy beast afloat, but her wings smashed against her sides forcefully yet gracefully as the beast glared down at the ghost pokemon below it.

“Knock it from the air!” cried Miles as he broke his silence.

The Mismagius’s eyes turned completely black and within seconds a large blob of crackling black and purple electricity hurtled from her body towards the flying pokemon. The Tropius opened her mouth and fired a stream of razor sharp green leaves that made the Shadow Ball explode on impact. Ophelia grinned at the sheer power of the pokemon’s attack.

“Get rid of the toxic spikes! Use Whirlwind!” Ophelia ordered.

The Tropius ascended gently higher in the sky and craned her neck back until her belly was exposed. The graceful, rhythmic beating of the beast’s wings grew faster and faster until they starting smashing violently against each other. As the Tropius’ wings went berserk, she began to spin around in a small circle. A strong jet of wind hurtled to the stadium field, striking the ground and sucking the venomous needles like a vacuum cleaner.

“Ophelia is playing clean up crew! Getting the stadium clear for her pokemon to battle the rest of the tournament. Can Mr. Bloodsworth stop this strategic move?”

Miles looked almost bored as his Mismagius began to hurtle another Shadow Ball to foil the Tropius attempt. But the beast, belly still facing up, remarkably began to fly backward through the air, in a circle around the stadium, the tornado of air still under it. As she continued to fly through the air, the whirlwind became larger picking up more spikes from the stadium floor. The Mismagius tried multiple times to stop the beast’s flight, but guided by Ophelia, the beast managed to dodge the attacks and safely move above the entire stadium floor.

“Get her!” Ophelia cried as her pokemon began to slow and to look dizzy from the constant spinning and movement.

The Tropius stopped spinning and directed the smash of her wings towards the ghost pokemon. The tornado of the Toxic Spikes left by the Qwilfish hurtled through the stadium towards the Mismagius, whose eyes and entire body began to glow with an eerie pink aura. A moment before the Whirlwind struck the ghost, she disappeared into the shadows and released a booming Psychic blast that the tornado sucked up, vaporizing the hundreds of Toxic Spikes immediately.

Finally, the Tropius gently flapped its tired wings and returned to the ground, heaving heavily and scanning the stadium for its still missing opponent. A low cackle whispered through the stadium--Mismagius was still around, but invisible.

“Tropius, you did a good job. Take a rest.”

Ophelia recalled her pokemon before the Mismagius could reappear and trap it in the stadium. She still hadn’t managed to land a successful blow on the ghost, but she had the perfect pokemon for the job.

“Machamp, go!”

MACHAMP VS MISMAGIUS


“Oh wow! This is one daring trainer! Sending a fighting type out against a ghost type, this will be an interesting battle to see!”

Onto the field came Ophelia’s buffest pokemon. A large, bulky fighter, towering at eight feet tall and weighing in at more than three hundred points of pure muscle. He would have looked like almost any human contestant in the Olympic Weightlifting rounds, if it wasn’t for the scaly blue Reptillian skin, and more importantly, the four arms (each with biceps that could curl more than all of Johto’s weightlifters could combined).

Miles gave a rare smirk While the more easily impressed commentator was surprised by Ophelia’s seemingly daring choice, he could see her rather unoriginal strategy a mile away.

“Bring that coward from its hiding! Foresight!”

Machamp’s eyes glowed yellow as he scanned the stadium floor once again. His eyes locked onto an an empty target by the edge of the pool in the center of the field, and he started to charge towards thin air. Right as he came close to the pool, he leaped high into the air, all four arms outstretched and tackled his fleeing, invisible opponent to the ground.

It was an amusing sight to the spectators as this muscular behemoth struggled on the ground to hold onto thin air, almost like a mime act. Finally, the thin air turned into wisps of black smoke which became a struggling Mismagius returned from hiding. Almost immediately on its return, the Mismagius erupted into a pink aura once again and in a flash of rainbow light Machamp flew off of his opponent and onto the ground.

“Out of the shadows she comes! Now it’s a battle of big brawn and mysterious power!”

Mismagius levitated herself from the ground and, panting heavily, glared down the Machamp with disgust. She was annoyed at being struck by what she perceived as nothing more than a simple savage with no real skills other than throwing a fist like a common Geodude. Her eyes began to glow yellow again and a grand golden gem formed in front of her and flew towards the fighter who struggled to his feet.

SMASH!

With a deafening crack, the Machamp swung only one of his arms, shattering the Power Gem into a million pieces. He grinned at his ghastly opponent who became more annoyed at her failure. She started to glow pink once again as she prepared another Psychic attack, which he couldn't just punch away. With a crack of her head, several large rainbow rings of Psychic energy expelled from her body towards the fighter.

“Give that sucker a good punching!”

Miles gritted his teeth at the awful pun. He shared the same disdain for Machamp as his pokemon.

Machamp leaped in time to avoid the Psychic attack and dove towards ghost who was still bursting with Psychic energy, all four of his fists ablaze with dark energy.

BAM!

The first punch struck the Mismagius right in her face.

BAM!

The second punch was right in her chest, sending Mismagius hurtling back dozens of feet.

The Machamp’s fists returned to normal and he started to crack his twenty knuckles, preparing to land another successful blow. The Mismagius rose again, hurt badly and visibly enraged at its lowly foe.

“Make him regret that he can see you!” Miles bellowed, with a rare showing of emotion.

Mismagius sunk into the shadows for a brief moment, and all around the field, out of every tiny shadow cast on the field arose a doppelganger. The Machamp now had about a dozen and a half new opponents on the fields, all with the same evil grin plastered on its black face. The stadium became colder with the newly menacing ethereal presence. In the stands, several small children dug their faces into their mothers’ laps.

“If you are afraid of ghosts, you do not want to be in this stadium right now! One of the most impressive Double Teams I’ve ever seen has left this stadium filled with Mismagius’s each more convincing than the last. Let’s REALLY hope that poor Machamp isn’t scared of ghosts.”

Ophelia frowned. There was no reason to call her pokemon “poor” as if it was a small child. It was a cheap, showy tactic, ripped apart by nothing short of sheer force.

“Look for the real one!”

It was ominous how still each of the Mismagius were as they floated in their spots, with an eerie half-grin and all of their eyes locked on Machamp’s face. Before he could start giving them a close look, he was taken aback by a faint, yet strange noise he heard. He snapped his head behind him trying to find the source of the noise, but it was nowhere to be found. He continued to frantically look for the noise came from, leaving many in the audience confused.

“Below you, Machamp!” Ophelia cried as she started to hear the same noise.

The air near his feet started to turn black. The wailing sound became louder. It was like the noise of a powerful wind blowing in a storm. But not a normal wind, the wind that howled like a banshee in agony. The wind that sent shudders down to the deepest deserves of a soul.

Then, it became oddly quiet. The air all around the stadium field started to become black and sparkly before the wailing noise became unbearably loud. The entire field became blanketed in an Ominous Wind, sparkly black currents that billowed through the field like a hurricane, cloaking the pokemon from sight. The chills went down Ophelia’s spine too, as they grew larger and closer to her command post. She bravely stuck her arm into the black currents, before realizing she felt no wind blowing, it was just air.

“It’s an illusion Machamp! Attack them!”

Meanwhile, Miles closed his eyes and inhaled the air like it was a salty sea breeze at a beach.

For a minute, no one could quite understand what was going on. The battle was blocked from view by the hurricane of ominous wind that bathed the entire field. Any noises were drowned out by the awful banshee-like wails of the wind.

“I don’t think this wind is even real, folks! Nothing is shaking! The hair on Ophelia and Miles heads isn’t even moving!”

Finally, it subsided. As the air cleared out, a panting Machamp was seen kicking a Mismagius in the back of the head. It immediately disappeared into a thousand wisps of shadows. Half of the doppelgangers were gone, but the real Mismagius was still at large. Ophelia scanned the field closely before she noticed an odd sheen in one of the Mismagius’ bodies. Ominous Winds could make a pokemon more powerful, but only the real one, of course.

“The one in the back left! Get her!”

“Attack!”

The eight remaining Mismagius’s became ablaze in a pink aura once again and fired rings of rainbow Psychic energy. The Machamp, before he could identify the real Mismagius, was distracted by the dozens of flashing lights, and tried in vain to dodge and maneuver himself away from the paths of the attacks.

“MACHAMPPPP!”

“It’s a direct hit, folks!”

The real Psychic attack hit him directly in the chest and he fell to the ground, clutching his chest with two of his six arms. The Mismagiuses began to cackle madly as the true ghost took a moment to recuperate before delivering the final blow. But the sounds of all the cackling woke up a particularly angry spirit inside of Machamp. Oh how hated the sound of that cackle.

Out of the corner of his eye, he looked to the back left and saw the same glistening Mismagius that his owner had identified. Taking a huge breath of air, he leaped back to his feet and began to charge at the ghost pokemon. The Mismagius immediately stopped cackling and feebly attempted to blast shadow energy at the charging opponent, who just plowed through the attack of toward his enemy.

“Seismic Toss!”

Machamp leaped at the ghost and grabbed her neck with two of his arms. The Mismagius writhed madly in his grips as he landed on the ground. Giving her an angry glare, he leaped high into the air and turned around, throwing his opponent onto the field with all of his might.

BOOM!

As soon as the Mismagius smashed against the ground with an deafening boom, the seven remaining doppelgangers exploded into thousands of wisps of black smoke. Machamp landed back onto the ground and charged at the fallen ghost, four fists ablaze with dark energy once again.

“It looks like it’s going to be a done deal, folks!”

“Take him with you!” Miles Bloodsworth cried.

As Mismagius lay on the ground, her entire body began to glow a low shade of blue. Machamp was going too fast to stop himself and threw himself onto the ghost’s fallen body with his fists outstretched. He was too filled with adrenaline to notice the strange sensation going through his skin as he began to glow blue like his opponent.

The light faded from both of their bodies, and Machamp rose as the Mismagius gave a groan of defeat. The stadium had gone quiet as everyone looked at the fighting pokemon in fear.

“Mismagius used Destiny Bond, an attack that brings down a pokemon that knocks the user out! This looks like the end of the line for both pokemon.”

Machamp took a few steps away from the fallen Mismagius before stopping. His eyes grew wide and he started to clutch his chest again. People in the stadium began to gasp, before they noticed something even more odd.

The fallen Mismagius began to stir. It naturally levitated back up again, but it was delirious and groggy still looking down at the ground. Machamp turned around with a wicked grin and gave a low whistle. The Mismagius looked up and in a moment of horror realized both she and Machamp were still walking around.

POW!

A nice crisp knock-out blow to the face. One of the most basic of all pokemon moves. The Machamp blew the dust off his knuckles as he watched his ghastly opponent fall backward and faint for real.

“Mismagius is unable to battle! Machamp is the winner!”

“In a stunning twist, the Machamp’s blow failed to knock out Mismagius--saving him from the effects of the Destiny Bond attack! What a battle folks!”

The stadium erupted into cheers at one of the most well-fought battles in the tournament so far as Miles recalled his fallen pokemon. Ophelia grinned. She had trained her Machamp to go soft on what would appear to be the knock-out blow when battling ghost pokemon. She always hated the move Destiny Bond, thinking it was nothing more than cheap, desperate ploy.

Miles didn’t really expect the Destiny Bond strategy to work against Ophelia. But he figured at the very least, it was worth a shot. The Machamp would be finished soon enough after he sent his next pokemon out.

MACHAMP VS HONCHKROW


“Take flight.”

“HONNNCHHHKROWWWW!”

The second flying pokemon of the night came forth. A large, dark bird pokemon with red eyes and a grand feathery collar like a white beard. With a crown shaped like a fedora, the Honchkrow looked almost like a crime syndicate boss and glared down Machamp like a schmoe fit for a whacking. Ophelia wanted to give Machamp a good rest; he could come in handy later. But no sooner than when she picked up her pokeball, Miles acted.

“STOP HIM!”

Machamp turned around to face the beam of white light that was supposed to bring him back to safety. But in a flash of dark light, the Honchkrow spread out its wings and blazed through the field and struck the fighter at nearly a hundred miles per hour before he could be recalled. Immediately after striking its foe, the Honchkrow, sharply turned up into the sky before making a loop and diving down towards the fallen Machamp with its sharp beak prepared to pierce.

“Give him hell, Machamp!”

Still face down in the ground from the Pursuit, Machamp gathered enough energy to swing one of his fists at the bird pokemon right before it struck.

“KROWWW!”

The Honchkrow gave an agonizing cry as it flew backwards, struck directly in the beak which was now crumpled and off-center. But despite the heavy blow, it still remained in flight and in mid-air, regaining its strength and continuing to flap its wings. As the Machamp struggled to get up, the Honchkrow charged at its opponent once again, wings outstretched and blazing with dark energy.

“CHAMPPP!”

Machamp was hit squarely in the back with one of the beast’s wings. He fell to the ground instantly and didn’t get up again.

“Machamp is unable to battle! Honchkrow is the winner!”

Ophelia was a little disappointed. Machamp was one of her favorite pokemon, but he had to leave the bout relatively early in the game. Nevertheless, it left a nice nasty mark on its opponent. She looked closely at Honchkrow and then at Miles. She suddenly got a crazy idea.

“Talk about starting with a bang! Ophelia’s attempt to recall her pokemon was thwarted by a well-placed Pursuit attack, but Machamp didn’t go out without leaving the Honchkrow a nice broken beak! Now we wait to see what pokemon Ophelia will call next.”

Ophelia grabbed the second poke ball from her belt and recalled Tropius. But before Tropius could even materialize, she reached for her microphone, heart beating madly for what she was about to say.

“Miles Bloodsworth, I challenge you to an Aerial battle!”
__________________
Wow...my writingness has changed since my last siggy. That is all.
Reply With Quote
  #4    
Old December 17th, 2012, 09:57 AM
IceKing's Avatar
IceKing
Mime Jr.
 
Join Date: Mar 2005
Gender:
Here is Part III

The Sky Battle: TROPIUS VS HONCHKROW

Immediately the stadium erupted into hushed whispers. Most of the stadium had no idea what Ophelia just demanded. The few that did were even more shocked by her audacity. Even the commentator Buena was struck silent as she tried to figure out what was going on. Miles thought about it for a few seconds and with a smile gave a response.

“I accept your challenge.”

The hushed whispers erupted into full out confusion as more people wanted to know what was going. Back in the commentator box, Buena was having a heated discussion with tournament organize Heather Bergeron who was flipping through a Rule Book before scurrying away downstairs.

“Umm, I just spoke to Tournament officials. An Aerial battle is a rare form of pokemon battling where trainers mount their flying pokemon and battle IN THE AIR! The first pokemon to fall to the ground is disqualified from the round and then the battle will proceed under standard rules. However, it is not entirely sure whether this challenge is even legal…we’ll get back to you about that in a minute.”

“INTO THE BATTLER LOBBY. NOW!” Heather Bergeron’s voice hissed from special speakers in both Miles and Ophelia’s commander posts. They withdrew their pokemon back to their pokeballs and moved back as ordered.

Ophelia was suppressing a huge grin. A trainer as focused on mystique and special powers at Miles Bloodsworth wasn’t cut out for something as gritty as getting on top of a pokemon and battling with it. But she trained with her Tropius in the sky--this would be her moment to shine. That, or to fall ten thousand feet to her death.

When she arrived in the lobby, Heather was already there looking rather stressed with several other officials surrounding her, including a short, pudgy man in glasses looking feverishly through a book.

“You two are making my life VERY COMPLICATED!” muttered Heather Bergeron, a tint of her overzealous happiness still in her voice.

Ophelia smirked. Miles did nothing.

“Okay--I have reviewed the Statutes and I believe this IS permitted. In fact, this was done nearly fifteen years ago in the Championship Round, and there were no subsequent rule changes that would prevent it!” said the short, pudgy man as he dabbed sweat off his forehead with a handkerchief.

“THINK ABOUT LIABILITY! We could stand to lose millions from a lawsuit if this battle turns one of them into sidewalk pancakes,” cried a suited man, obviously from the Legal Department.

“Your brash insensitivity aside, we signed waivers for a reason,” snapped Ophelia.

“What the Hell is going on, Heather! I’m not fit to referee an Aerial battle! I’ve never seen one, and I’m scared of heights!” cried the elderly Referee as he stormed into lobby.

Heather looked at the screaming people all around her and looked like she was about to explode before another person walked into the room.

“Not only have I seen an Aerial Battle, I was the one who was in the Aerial Battle in the Championship Battle fifteen years ago.”

Ophelia recognized the man instantly. It was the very first gym leader she went up against in her journey when she was only thirteen years old. He was Zephyr from Violet City, a very attractive and muscular middle-aged flying-type gym leader who was one of Ophelia’s (although she would never admit it) first crushes. It took her three tries before she finally beat him.

“Mr. Zephyr, Sir. How nice it is to see you here!” Heather started blushing and grabbed Zephyr’s hand waiting a few seconds before shaking it.

“I can referee the Aerial battle. My son Falkner is pretty ecstatic to see one at the Silver Cup finally,” Zephyr said.

“Now hold on--what does the Rule Book say about switching referees in the middle of battles…”

“It’s fine if the Tournament Official overseeing the battle, namely Heather, finds cause to remove the referee. Official referee licensing isn’t required to be a referee. So install Zephyr for this aerial battle and bring me back for the rest of the match,” the elderly referee muttered, his eyes darting nervously in the air.

Heather took a moment (of looking at Zephyr) before responding.

“Okay! We are going to have the first Silver Cup Aerial Battle in fifteen years. My God this battle is going to be one of the best in history. There are some guidelines you must follow though…”

*****

Nearly fifteen minutes after Ophelia first challenged Miles to the battle, they were finally on the field, attaching saddles provided by Zephyr onto their pokemon’s backs and mounting them. Zephyr was already on the back of his Pidgeot, and two rather nervous cameramen were getting on the back of their Swellows’ to videotape the air battle as it happened.

Ophelia and her Tropius looked up and down at their opponents. The fifteen minutes had given the Honchkrow ample time to recover from Machamps’ punch, although she wouldn’t be able to use that beak anytime soon. Miles Bloodsworth didn’t nearly as out of place on the back of his pokemon as Ophelia had expected. In fact, he looked very comfortable and serene, flashing Ophelia a defying gaze.

She also noticed four sagely Kadabra stationed around the corners of the stadium, practicing their Psychic powers by bending spoons with their minds. They were there to prevent anyone from plummeting to their deaths, both pokemon and human. Zephyr and his Pidgeot rose several dozen feet into the air, and the flying gym leader stuck out a large emerald fan into the air.

“When Zephyr waves his flag, the battle will begin. The first one to reach the flag can begin attacking. The first pokemon to hit the ground is automatically disqualified! This is the first Aerial Battle we have seen in fifteen years folks, with the last winner overseeing the round!”

With a snap of green, the battle begin.

Hanging on for dear life, Ophelia gave Tropius a soft tap on the side and it immediately rocketed toward the stadium sky flapping its great leafy wings. Above her, she saw Honchkrow and Miles ahead of them by a dozen feet. There was no getting around that her opponent was faster than her pokemon, but she could find ways to compensate.

“Anddddd Honchkrow is the first to reach the emerald flag!”

Immediately the dark bird turned around and, with Miles Bloodsworth clutching the harness around the bird’s neck tightly, the Honchkrow started to flap its wings, forcefully sending sharp gusts of air at Ophelia and Tropius.

“Troppphyy!”

With a gentle purr, the pokemon turned around and gave his trainer a nod, warning her to brace herself for what he was about to do. Ophelia dug her knees tightly into the beast’s sides and wrapped her arms firmly around his neck as he started to spin around madly, forcing himself through the Air Slash attacks with his bulky strength.

Honchkrow and Miles were taken by surprise when the attack failed to slowdown their opponent. As a result, Miles couldn’t reign in his Honchkrow’s wing flapping in time to get out of the spinning Tropius’s way.

“KROW!”

The bird was struck right in the belly by the flying tree beast. It toppled over in the sky, and Miles‘ legs lost their grip on the saddle, and he dangled desperately in mid-air by the harness. The audience gave a collective gasp--perhaps the battle would be over sooner than they had expected! But the Honchkrow regained its position and Miles got back onto the saddle right in the knick of time.

“The first blow goes to Ophelia Hardwell and her Tropius! Miles was extremely close to falling off, showing just how dangerous this kind of battle can be.”

The wind blew Ophelia’s ponytail to her side, and her exposed neck started to burn with the heat of sunlight. She looked up to see the clouds had passed, leaving the blistering sun naked and exposed. This was her opportunity to make up for her slower speed.

“Tropius, we’re going to go on the Defensive. Keep flying up in the air until I tell you to stop!”

Ignoring their struggling opponent, they took their opportunity to continue to the rocket toward the sky, with one of the cameramen following close behind her. Within seconds, they heard the screeching caw of the Honchkrow as it began to chase them, a snarling Miles pointing at their direction.

A sphere of crackling black and purple energy began to form at the bird’s crown as it opened it’s mouth and gave another screeching caw. Within seconds, the Shadow Ball hurtled toward Ophelia and Tropius. They successfully barrel-rolled in mid-air to doge the attack, although Ophelia almost lost her grip on the harness.

“They’re starting to get out of the stadium, folks! But if Honchkrow has it’s way, it won’t be for long! If you look closely, those black rings coming from his mouth is a Dark Pulse attack! Not as easy to dodge!”

Honchkrow moved his crown back and forth, sending dozens of dark rings from multiple direction towards its opponent. They tried in vein to barrel roll their way out of the attack before one of the rings struck the Tropius in one of its legs.

“PHHYYY!”

It was a small blow, but a painful one. The Tropius stopped rocketing into the sky and floated in mid-air as it took a moment to recover.

“Okay, they’re on our tail, you got to turn around and face them. I know we’ll go slower, but if they hit us once, we’re done for,” Ophelia muttered into her Tropius’s ear, giving it another soft smack on the side.

They swerved around in mid-air to face their opponent, who was opening his beak ready to fire another Dark Pulse attack. Tropius continued to ascend in the air awkwardly, but as he flapped his great branchy wings, they started to shed dozens of magical leaves tinted in neon green and purple light.

With another awful screech, the Honchkrow fired dozens of black rings from all directions, but Ophelia and her Tropius were prepared this time. As if they were guided by a mystical wind, the leaves sought out each of the rings and collided with them in mid-air, exploding into a beautiful spectacle of flashing bright lights. Tropius managed to avoid the few pulsing dark rings that evaded the magical leaves.

“The sky is your upper limit, but stay within the stadium perimeter!” Zephyr reminded as he watched the battle with a grin.

Miles, unaffected by the successful defense, removed one of his arms from the harness and began to rub one his Honchkrow’s wings. It started to glow with a purple dark energy, and they hurtled up through the air at twice their speed directly at Tropius’s exposed belly.

“Wait for it…” Ophelia whispered into her Tropius’s ear. He was eyeing the outstretched, blazing wing nervously. “NOW, LEAF STORM!”

He furiously flapped his wings and opened his mouth sending a flurry of hundreds of sharp leaves toward Honchkrow’s blazing wing. As soon as the Leaf Storm struck, the Honchkrow jerked itself back shaking its injured wing in agony as Miles hurriedly grasped onto the harness again.

“Honchkrow gets it again! And Tropius continues to race for the clouds! Keep your eyes on the video screen because your eyes can’t see nothing but dots now! I bet those two trainers are wishing they wore their jackets now…”

Ophelia and Tropius took their opportunity and turned back around and continued to rocket up towards the sky. Although it was getting colder, the sunshine was becoming brighter and she could feel her pokemon becoming warmer as it started to feast on the power of light. Tropius became faster as he flew towards the sun, Zephyr’s Pidgeot and the cameraman’s Swellow struggling to keep up. Ophelia started laughing as she eyed the fluffy, cotton-like bottoms of the clouds above her. It was almost childish how she was about to touch the sky.

“KROWWW!”

The pesky dark bird was on their tail again, opening its beaks for another Dark Pulse attack. Ophelia knew her Tropius was going too fast to counter the attack in time…and this attack would be a dead on game-finishing hit. She needed to pierce the clouds, and victory would be hers. She was battling in the sky, there was no excuse to hold back on creativity now. She plucked one of the yellow bananas hanging from her pokemon’s neck and hurled it at the Honchkrow.

“CAWW!”

“…If I’m not mistaken, I think I just saw Ophelia throw a banana at the Honchkrow’s face…”

Miles reached over and wiped the remains of the fruit off his pokemon’s cheek. He growled at the cheap move. She threw a piece of fruit like a common Aipom! But she would pay for it in due time.

Ophelia almost expected the clouds to be hard as rocks, but they passed through them like a thin silk curtains. The sun was shining brightly now, and her Tropius was beaming white with solar energy, twice as fast as when their flight first began. They turned around in mid-air and looked down waiting for their opponent to pierce the clouds.

It only took a second, and Ophelia responded immediately.

“SOLAR BEAM!”

“TRROOOOOOPPHYYY!”

Before Honchkrow and Miles could even ascend from the clouds, the glowing Tropius opened its mouth wide firing a huge white ray of solar energy right at the beast’s chests. Ophelia closed her eyes shut to avoid the blinding glare of the light, her teeth chattering wildly at the icy winds whipping at her face.

In a dazzling burst of light on feather, the beam struck the beast squarely in the chest. It outstretched its wings and gave a great caww before closing its eyes and plummeting straight back into the stadium with a poor Miles holding on for his dear life. Zephyr and one of the cameramen immediately dove back into the stadium chasing after the fallen pokemon.

Ophelia nuzzled her freezing face into her pokemon’s warm body, secretly hoping that the battle was about the draw to a close.

“Ophelia took her Tropius right into the heart of the Sun where it didn‘t have to charge a Solarbeam attack! Honchkrow was hit right on for the third time, I don‘t know if he can make it out of this one folks.”

Miles’ shielded his eyes with one of his arms as he struggled to keep the wind from tearing his face apart. He had never gone more fast in his life as they free fell into the heart of the stadium. But he had to put his own discomfort aside as he put his hand on this Honchkrow’s head, quietly begging the pokemon to return to consciousness.

They were back in the stadium now, a few hundred feet away from becoming sidewalk pancakes, as the lawyer so affectionately put it. The Kadabras took position, ready to soften the fall. But within seconds of impact, his Honchkrow began to stir again.

Back in the sky Ophelia kept her eyes shut but her ears open, waiting for what was next. Zephyr declaring Honchkrow fainted and her the winner, or the worse option…

She could hear the faint caw of the dark bird from the distance.

“My God, that thing can take a hit well,” she muttered under her breath.

She gave her Tropius another smack on the side, alerting its attention to the return of its foe. They glared down at the clouds, ready for another solar beam to finish the job. With a loud shriek, Zephyr’s Pidgeot was the first to pierce the clouds and it immediately swerved well away from the Tropius’s path as they solemnly waited for what would come next.

Ophelia’s heart sank as she saw the fluffy, candy-like clouds become tinted with a black light. The Honchkrow burst through the clouds, an enormous sphere of black and purple crackling electricity formed at its beak. It was the largest Shadow Ball attack Ophelia had ever seen, the size of a small car, an attack that was being prepared in their entire flight towards the clouds.

More thoughts went through Ophelia’s head in that single second than it ever did in her history of battling. If she fired a solar beam, it would create a disastrous explosion. Her Tropius was too heavy to dodge in time. Or was it…

“DON’T FORGET ME!”

Ophelia let go of the harness and leaped off her Tropius, who rocketed up into the air with his boosted solar speed, dodging the gargantuan shadow ball attack with only the heels of his back feet painfully burned by the attack. Ophelia gave a wild cry of adrenaline as she started falling through the clouds and down to the stadium, her arms and legs outstretched as if she was making a snow angel.

“WHAT IS THAT GIRL DOING! SHE’S GOING TO KILL HERSELF! SOMEONE HELP HER!”

She could hear the faint “NO!” of Zephyr, and the collective gasps of the audience in the stadium below. But she trusted her Tropius. Within seconds, he came hurtling from the clouds, leaving a dazzling trail of bright light as he flew to save his master. About two dozen feet below the clouds, he swerved under Ophelia’s free falling body and (with a painful thud) she landed back on her pokemon’s body, hastily grabbing onto the harness and digging her knees into his side as they returned to the clouds, to finish the battle.

She had expected nothing less than to receive payback for her sneak attack. No sooner than when their heads pierced the clouds, she saw the Honchkrow waiting with a huge sphere of orange light in front of his face, prepared to blast.

“HYPER BEAM”

“SOLAR BEAM!”

The two colossal beams of bright white light collided in the air. Ophelia closed her eyes and hugged her Tropius tightly. The competing beams exploded into a massive wave of energy that burst through the sky, a shining white dot to the spectators below. It enveloped both pokemon and both trainers. And then, they fell.

Miles and Ophelia looked peaceful as they plummeted back to the stadium, unconscious and with their unconscious pokemon not far away from them. One of the cameramen was also ensnared in the explosion, and he too was falling, his camera fried to bits.

Zephyr divebombed after them, desperately trying to stop at least one of their falls. But with the combined force of the explosion and the sheer distance of the fall, he could never keep up. The stadium was filling with a growing panic as they watched the dots in the sky grow larger and larger as they plummeted towards the ground.

“CROSS YOUR FINGERS YA’LL!”

Heather and several other tournament officials hastily summoned several other Psychic pokemon to the field, ready to avoid any deaths or even worse, liability lawsuits.

The Psychic pokemon on the ground acted in unison. All of their eyes glowed rainbow and they looked towards the top of the stadium. A large web of interlocking rainbow lights appeared within a second above the stadium and as human and pokemon fell through the web, they started to glow pink and became under the control of one of the Psychic pokemon.

It was a success. Miles, Ophelia, and one of the cameramen along with all of their pokemon were lowered safely on the ground of the field, to the wild applause and cheers of the audience members.

“Honchkrow and Tropius are both unable to battle! The battle is a tie!” Zephyr cried with a heavy pant of relief that everyone managed to land safely.

Within seconds, medical officials swarmed the field to the unconscious trainers…
__________________
Wow...my writingness has changed since my last siggy. That is all.
Reply With Quote
  #5    
Old December 19th, 2012, 06:31 PM
bobandbill's Avatar
bobandbill
Where's that sheep...
 
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Central Coast - Australia
Age: 22
Gender: Male
Nature: Jolly
Send a message via AIM to bobandbill Send a message via Windows Live Messenger to bobandbill
Not bad for a 2 year + fic revival. =p

I've enjoyed your battle scene stories before and this doesn't disappoint either. Quite enjoyable action throughout, as well as some interesting ideas explored (from abilities to full-out aerial battles). I look forward to seeing how the battle finishes. =)

Miles Bloodsworth is a interesting name choice there, haha. Makes for fun visual imagery as well for that particular attorney to be flying about on a Honchkrow. I'd have thought he would have objected to the idea though. ;p Ophelia seems to have decent characterisation and I enjoy the few other characters that have shown up so far, including the commentator. The descriptions of the battles are decent too and the action fairly inventive.
Quote:
Her official battle record was 107-12, but her statistics couldn’t begin to reflect her power. She came from a long line of powerful female trainers. Her grandmother Rainey Zaparto was the first woman in the Kanto-Johto Elite Four. She defied stereotypes by raising power house pokemon rather than the grass and water pokemon other women generally specialized in.
Quote:
Miles Bloodsworth rarely spoke during a battle. His pokemon were so well trained they often knew what to do without his command. But when he did spoke, his voice was very low, but cold and deadly. He rarely took part in the glitz and glammer of an elite trainer’s life. He was reclusive, spending most of his time with his pokemon.

His Mismagius gave another cackle and lifted her arm towards the Alakazam’s heart.
However one thing I would suggest looking out for is how you start sentences. Quite often it's with 'Her'/'She' or 'His'/'He', and it becomes a bit repetitive after a while.

Quote:
Finally, she thought of the best strategy. She set aside her Jynx’s pokeball, and lined up her remaining nine.

“Eeeny—meany—miny—mo”
Heh, I like the way she thinks. =p Maybe a ... or somesuch within the dialogua tag there could be added as otherwise there's nothing there.
Quote:
Five minutes before the Championship Battle
I don't feel this is a good way to jump to just before the battle. May be better to just include this fact in the story narration itself.
Quote:
“Good morning, Johto! This is Buena from Station 10.5
I like the attention to detail there. =)
Quote:
And Pinsir started to jump onto the cracks getting closer to the ghost that continued to eye him eerily.
This sentence sounded a bit awkward. Maybe at least a comma after 'cracks', and I'd think 'into' the cracks is better (especially as you just used 'in the cracks' or somesuch the previous sentence).
Quote:
But the beast, belly still facing up, remarkably began to fly backward through the air, in a circle around the stadium, the tornado of air still under it.
This also sounded awkward due to the amount of commas used which broke up the sentence into too many pieces. I'd suggest splitting into different sentences and/or rewording it so it's not so clunky.
Quote:
“Get her!” Ophelia cried as her pokemon began to slow and to look dizzy from the constant spinning and movement.
'began to slow and to look dizzy' sounds a bit wordy and simple. Maybe drop the latter part and instead mention some attribute that shows us it might be dizzy than just saying it begins to look dizzy.
Quote:
Miles gave a rare smirk While the more easily impressed commentator was surprised by Ophelia’s seemingly daring choice, he could see her rather unoriginal strategy a mile away.
Missing the full stop there.
Quote:
He grinned at his ghastly opponent who became more annoyed at her failure.
Another spot wheree I feel a bit more showing could have been done rather than just saying that the ghost was more annoyed. For the most part the battles are well described, but I feel that in placees like here a bit more would help as well.
Quote:
The wind that sent shudders down to the deepest deserves of a soul.
reserves?
Quote:
Miles Bloodsworth didn’t nearly as out of place on the back of his pokemon as Ophelia had expected.
Seems to be missing a word of couple in the first part of the sentence (maybe '...seem nearly as...' for example?)
Quote:
“Tropius, we’re going to go on the Defensive.
No need for defensive to be capitalised.
Quote:
They tried in vein to barrel roll their way out of the attack before one of the rings struck the Tropius in one of its legs.
vain.


Do post more! =)
__________________


Sheep in the Big City: General Specific
Reply With Quote
  #6    
Old December 19th, 2012, 08:03 PM
IceKing's Avatar
IceKing
Mime Jr.
 
Join Date: Mar 2005
Gender:
Hey - thanks for that review bobandbill, it was really helpful! Also, you are a moderator in two fanfiction forums? Ain't that a conflict of interest or something??

I'll go through and make the changes that you suggested - and good pointing out how a lot of my sentences start off with personal pronouns. That's something I've been wary of in the past and that I lost sight of. This fic is completely posted in Serebii, but I'll look at it with more sentence by sentence as I continue posting it here. I think I need to apply the same strict eye to each sentence that I do when I write journalism articles (I work as a reporter - secret past time here) to these larger stories.

Glad you are enjoying it!

PS - Bloodsworth was the last name of a regular couple who were customers at this drug store I used to work at. I told them if I ever wrote a novel I'd have a character named after them.
__________________
Wow...my writingness has changed since my last siggy. That is all.
Reply With Quote
  #7    
Old December 19th, 2012, 11:00 PM
bobandbill's Avatar
bobandbill
Where's that sheep...
 
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Central Coast - Australia
Age: 22
Gender: Male
Nature: Jolly
Send a message via AIM to bobandbill Send a message via Windows Live Messenger to bobandbill
Quote:
Originally Posted by IceKing View Post
Hey - thanks for that review bobandbill, it was really helpful! Also, you are a moderator in two fanfiction forums? Ain't that a conflict of interest or something??

I'll go through and make the changes that you suggested - and good pointing out how a lot of my sentences start off with personal pronouns. That's something I've been wary of in the past and that I lost sight of. This fic is completely posted in Serebii, but I'll look at it with more sentence by sentence as I continue posting it here. I think I need to apply the same strict eye to each sentence that I do when I write journalism articles (I work as a reporter - secret past time here) to these larger stories.

Glad you are enjoying it!

PS - Bloodsworth was the last name of a regular couple who were customers at this drug store I used to work at. I told them if I ever wrote a novel I'd have a character named after them.
Actually I'm only listed as one sppf as I'm smod here and there (although I was assigned here beforehand and still post). And not really, haha. bringdownthesystembringdownthesystem

Also Bloodsworth is a very cool surname to have, haha. I can imagine going to people and introducing myself with that as a name...
__________________


Sheep in the Big City: General Specific
Reply With Quote
  #8    
Old December 22nd, 2012, 05:59 PM
Bay Alexison's Avatar
Bay Alexison
Not a Baygel
 
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Dani California
Age: 25
Nature: Sassy
Okay, I was originally going to post an in progress review at Serebii, but since you’re slowly posting the story here too I’ll review here while you’re still doing that, haha.

Part I
Off to a neat start. Both Ophelia and Miles seemed like two interesting opponents to go face off one another. Haha like the part of Ophelia doing “Eeeny—meany—miny—mo” is indeed the best strategy.

Onto the first two battles, like that they’re fairly fast paced but not too rushed. Nice use of Earthquake under that sort of situation along with a Mismagius in the field. Too bad Pinsir collapsed under the poison, ouch.

Parts II and III
Wee, Tropius, always liked that Pokemon haha. Already had an idea Ophelia will have the Pokemon make all those poison spikes fly away. As for the Machamp and Mismagius battle, I admit I thought Machamp was a goner after Destiny Bond, but it’s indeed a nice twist there.

The Sky Battle between Tropius and Honchkrow is very enjoyable to read. Woot aerial battles! I particularly like some of the emotions Ophelia had during the aerial battle, like her laughing when her Pokemon flew pass the sky. Also, love that she used one of Tropius’ bananas as distraction. XD Over the result of the battle I want to say this— don’t try this at home with your flying Pokemon, kids.

So far liking the battles and the different ways you showed the Pokemon’s battling abilities. Looking forward to more!
__________________
→Spark. Flash. Flame.

[PC Fanfiction Index] [Nothing, Everything] [Quiet Admiration][The BBS] [MyAnimeList][Archive of Our Own][FFnet]
[Partner in Crime: Elite Overlord LeSabre™] [Cousin: Astinus] [Avatar: suspecting from LJ]
Reply With Quote
  #9    
Old December 28th, 2012, 06:43 AM
IceKing's Avatar
IceKing
Mime Jr.
 
Join Date: Mar 2005
Gender:
Thanks for the review Bay Alexison (are you the same Bay from Serebii?). Glad you find the battles engaging!

Here's the next part

*****

Ophelia stood on top of a cliff. In the valley below hundreds of pokemon looked up at her adoringly. Almost every single pokemon known to man were there, from the creepiest, slimiest Caterpies to a ferocious, roaring Dragonite. She waved her arm over them, and they erupted into cheers and roars. She was the master of them all. Then, it suddenly became cold. The sky became dark and the pokemon screamed.

A chill went down her spine, and she turned around.

Behind her was the most powerful of all pokemon.

“Mew…two”

A cat-like, bipedal creature floated in a psychic bubble. It looked at her solemnly and Ophelia stood strong as she stared this powerful being right in the eye. Its skin was so pale, a deathly shade of purple--it disgusted her! Then, the Psychic bubble it cast over itself vanished. The pokemon walked right to Ophelia until there noses nearly touched.

“OW! HEY! OUCH!”

The Mewtwo lazily grabbed Ophelia by the scruff of her shirt and slapped her face back and forth with no expression on her face.

“STOP! STOP! WHITNEY I’M AWAKE STOP!”

Ophelia was back in the world of the awake now, no more dreams of being Pokemon Master for her. The “Mewtwo” that decided to randomly slap her was actually her friend Whitney who burst out into laughter upon seeing the look of rage on Ophelia’s face.

“WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU! GET OUT OF HERE!” a nurse cried entering the room.

“No, it’s fine. I want her here,” Ophelia responded, gritting her teeth and glaring at her “friend.”

Sitting beside her was her other friends Jack and Bugsy. She was lying on a bed in a rather drab looking room. Then she remembered where she was supposed to be…

“SHOOT! How long I have I been out!”

“3 weeks,” Jack responded quite drably.

Ophelia leaped out of her bed and started to scream many swear words (much to the nurse’s horror) that she didn’t even know existed.

“SHUT UP, JACK! Ophelia, it’s barely been half an hour,” Whitney responded, grabbing onto a hyperventilating Ophelia’s shoulders, then restraining her from mauling Jack.

“But what’s going--”

“Don’t worry, in the event of trainer incapacitation in a battle, you have an hour to recover before the battle is cancelled. It’s only been a half an hour, we can start the battle again!” Bugsy piped up.

“For the love of Celebi, what is wrong with you Ophelia! An Aerial battle? Really? You have bigger balls than a Tauros’” Jack said with a grin.

Ophelia made a rather rude gesture at him.

“Ignore him, Shug. The battle is going wonderfully. This is by far your best battle yet!“ Whitney said, sitting Ophelia down on her bed. “You both have three pokemon left, so it’s like we’re starting fresh into a 3 on 3 battle.”

“You know…your friend did just fall about twenty thousand feet from the sky. I don’t think she’s in any state to be battling!” the nurse growled, running over to Ophelia and putting her hand on her forehead.

“Oh I’m fine. I just have a little headache, that’s all. It’s not everyday you get to be in an explosion in the sky, though,” Ophelia responded with a grin.

“Oh thank Heaven’s she’s alright!”

They expected to see Heather Bergeron, but it was actually the suited man from the Legal Department who ran towards Ophelia with his arms outstretched as if he wanted to hug her before the trainer glared up at him.

“If you step a foot closer, you’re going to have a sexual harassment suit up your butt. And by sexual harassment suit, I mean my boot,” Ophelia threatened.

The suited lawyer immediately got a hold of himself and stopped mid-run. Heather Bergeron followed him.

“Good Lord, how are you feeling? Mr. Bloodsworth woke up only five minutes after the fall, but I’m more worried about you, you poor thing!”

“I’M FINE! I’M FINE! Let me get back in the battle so I can win this thing, already.”

Despite her repeated pleas, she had to face a barrage of more questions and demands from Heather and the lawyer.

“Okay, I have no further questions. I think she’s ready to battle,” the lawyer said, finally setting his pen down after furiously scribbling notes onto a legal pad.

“You know, as the only person in this room with medical experience…I do object! This poor girl possibly has a concussion or even worse a hematoidal angia. We need to keep her overnight for observat--”

But when the nurse looked up from her medical chart, everyone was already gone.

*****

“ANDDDDD WE ARE BACK INTO THE BATTLE! After an explosive end to one of the most exciting rounds in the history of the Silver Cup Tournament, both Ms. Hardwell of Goldenrod and Mr. Bloodsworth of Ecruteak are healthy and ready to continue. Both are down to three pokemon each. The winner of this battle will be the winner of the 1982 Johto Silver Cup Tournament!”

Ophelia never felt better. The half an hour nap was refreshing if anything. The Miles kid sure was a tough cookie. He showed her that he could even battle out in the field among the like of some of the grittiest trainers in Johto. She knew that his undefeated Slowking was still in the waiting.

The original Referee was back and raised his flags, signaling them to call their pokemon.

Houndoom vs Clefable


“Houndoom, go!”

“Go, Clefable.”

On Miles’ side came forth a bulky, round pink fairy-like creature with small violet wings that appeared useless. It jumped slowly up and down the air waving its three fingered hands back and forth. Such an adorable, almost ditzy, pokemon seemed out of place in front of its intense trainer.

Houndoom couldn't be more different. A ferocious black, demonic canine that stood in front of Ophelia was already snarling at her opponent, putrid drool seeping from her snarled mouth. With bony ridges on its back, two large curled horns, and a skull shaped pendant below her neck, the Houndoom seemed like she leaped from the flames of Hell itself.

“The Clefable is not intimidated by that terrifying Houndoom, but let’s see how they battle!”

“Burn her like a marshmallow!”

“Pray to the stars.”

The Houndoom heaved deep and a flame ignited within the toxins in his belly. He gave a great roar and a small stream of orange and red flames hurtled through the stadium toward the Clefable, who stood still with eyes closed and hands together, glowing a faint shade of blue. The flames hit the pokemon directly, who fell to the side with a little, “woah.”

After the flames subsided, the Clefable stood back up, wiping its belly as if it stung by a small ant. It craned one of its fingers towards itself, beckoning the Houndoom to come toward it. The demonic canine, angered at the ineffectiveness of its last attack, rushed toward the pokemon with her fangs baredt. But as Houndoom rushed towards the Clefable, the fairy pokemon started to wave its purple glowing hands back and forth.

“Clefable is now using Metronome! Anything can happen, folks!”

When the Houndoom was only ten feet away from crunching its opponent, the Clefable snapped her fingers with a grin. The Houndoom stopped in her path and started to sniff the ground beneath nervously. It was shaking madly and the ground started to crack.

“Get out of there, Houndoom!”

But the Houndoom was too slow to respond. The ground at her feet exploded and from underground erupted a massive tornado of blood-red fire that completely engulfed the pokemon. It shot up dozens of feet into the air and spun around madly at a heat of over 500 degrees. Audience members in the first rows were sweating profusely, while the Clefable smiled up at the flaming tornado like it was a simple shooting star.

“I believe that attack is a Blast Burn or an Overheat…Either way, the Houndoom is completely gobbled up in those flames right now, let’s be glad it’s a fire type--oh dear!”

With a snap of the Clefable’s fingers, the fire had disappeared. The Houndoom was finally revealed spinning dozens of feet into the air and collapsed on to the ground, a much different creature than the one that was first engulfed by the flames.

The fire had undoubtedly made the Houndoom extraordinarily powerful. Her eyes turned a black and blue flames now blazed from her back. Smoke fumed from her nostrils and with every step she took the ground started sizzling uncontrollably.

“Ah, I just looked up Houndoom on my PokeDex! When Houndoom are struck by fire attacks, it only makes them stronger. And this Houndoom, ladies and gentlemen, was struck by a VERY powerful fire attack!”

“Trap your foe,” Ophelia ordered.

The Houndoom and Clefable locked eyes, one with a bloodthirsty snarl and the other with an oblivious gaze. They both glowed black, and Clefable was trapped in the arena, unable to be called back by Miles. But Clefable took their eye contact to her advantage and raised one of her arms which fired a ray of violet light right into the Houndoom’s eyes.

“DOOOOM!”

The Confuse Ray struck Houndoom directly, and she stumbled and wobbled around with her face facing the ground, struggling to shake herself out of the delirium. The Clefable started to jump up and down again clapping her hands and egging the confused Houndoom on. The demonic canine grew increasingly agitated before it opened its mouth and shot flames at random.

“Houndoom! Stop it!”

The Flamethrower was much more powerful this time around, a massive torrent of blue and black flames, except uncontrollable. Houndoom was facing away from its opponent and shooting the flamethrower all over the stadium, scorching the clean granite field black. Front row audience members ducked, fearing a rogue flamethrower would strike them.

“Houndoom! Regain control of yourself! You have the power! Use it against your opponent!”

Houndoom gave a great bellow and more flames erupted from her mouth toward the source of the noise he just heard. Ophelia’s eyes grew wide as the flamethrower now came hurtling to her battle box. With a feminine scream, she ducked to the ground, narrowly dodging the flames that now burned above her head.

“Oh no! The confused Houndoom nearly just burned poor Ophelia to a crisp. It’s beefed up powers certainly are of no use if it doesn’t know who it needs to attack.”

From the distance, the demonic canine heard the screams of its owner and snapped out of its confusion. Her opponent nearly made her attack her own master. With a ferocious snarl she turned around and glared at the Clefable who continued to blankly stare, waving her fingers back and forth again.

“HOUNDDDDOOOOMMMM!”

With another huge roar, the Houndoom expelled another torrent of black and blue flames that struck Clefable directly in the chest.

Except this time, the pokemon couldn’t just brush the attack off. It started to singe the Clefable who finally made a sound, wailing in agony trying to beat back the onslaught of blazing hot dark fire.

When the fire stopped, the Houndoom lunged at the collapsed Clefable desperate to tear its face off. But right as the Houndoom was about to land on its foe, the Clefable disappeared into a burst of white light, and the Houndoom fell on its belly.

“I forfeit this round. Clefable is withdrawn from the battle,” Miles announced to the shock of the audience.

“The Trainer has withdrawn Clefable. Houndoom is the winner by forfeit!”

Murmurs erupted in the stadium. People were shocked to see a round forfeited at the Championship. A slightly shaken Ophelia was back on her feet and understood why her opponent did what he did. His Clefable was about to be defeated, there was no use in making it undergo needless suffering for the slim chance of an upset victory.

Although many people assumed Miles Bloodsworth was a cold, calculating trainer, Ophelia could tell from her battle that he still cared deeply about his pokemon despite how he may come off.

Meanwhile, below in the stadium field, Houndoom was enraged and barking madly at the lost opportunity to finish off its opponent. It would definitely take its anger out on the next foe that it would face.

Houndoom vs Bronzong


“Rise, Bronzong!”

An ancient, mystical pokemon materialized, levitating in the air not too far away from Houndoom. It was shaped like a gigantic bell hanging from a long rod, with a staid, teal disposition that looked as if it was painted on. Its brick-shaped eyes were closed shut, and a powerful psychic aura emanated from its floating body.

But for Houndoom, the Bronzong was still just another bug to be burnt to a fine crisp.

“Flamethrower!”

Another torrent of black and blue flames burst from the beefed-up Houndoom’s belly. The ancient, bell pokemon did not move, and continued to float in mid-air as the attack threatened to turn his steel body into liquid mush. A moment before the flamethrower struck it, the two ends of the rod that held Bronzong up in the air smashed together, casting a large shining barrier of golden light in front of it. The Light Screen absorbed much of the fire, but some flames still burst through.

The Houndoom jerked her head away, blinded by the powerful explosion of light on flame. When the flames and the barrier vanished, she looked at her opponent who continued to levitate staidly in mid-air, barely damaged by the attack.

“Miles’ Bronzong isn’t called the “No-Damage Wonder” for no reason! Despite being a steel type, it has strong resistance to fire and can avoid ground attacks by floating in the air--leaving it with absolutely no weaknesses!”

The Bronzong started to rock back and forth in mid-air, and deep bell tolls started to ring throughout the stadium. He was glowing blue and appeared unthreatening, but he continued to move back and forth and ring with the periodic tolls. The Houndoom was transfixed by the ritual, and the stadium members (along with Ophelia) were trying to figure out what exactly the psychic pokemon was doing. But as soon as it began, it stopped again.

“Well, I’m not quite sure what happened there, folks…”

The faint pink light that surrounded the Bronzong’s floating body disappeared eerily. It was only after it disappeared that Ophelia had noticed how the Bronzong was emitting an angelic humming noise. The steel pokemon came crashing down to the ground. For a moment, Ophelia thought the flamethrower had succeeded until shock waves radiated from where the bell pokemon landed.

“Houndoom! It’s an Earthquake! Jump!”

The Houndoom leaped into the air as the rumbling advanced, but she couldn’t stay in mid-air forever. She fell back to the rumbling ground where the shock waves continued to billow through and break the field apart.

“Doom!”

The demonic canine yelped as the shaking ground struck her over and over, the force sending her flying into the air, only for her to be struck again as soon as she landed. After a few moments of the onslaught, the Bronzong levitated into the air again, the faint pink aura and angelic humming revived once again. It gazed into the
wounded Houndoom’s eyes almost tauntingly.

Angered by its foe’s successful strike, Ophelia’s faithful pokemon gave another roar and a massive blast of blue and black flames shot towards the Bronzong, who cast another Light Screen, shielding it from the full power of the blaze. The angelic humming stopped eerily again, tipping Ophelia off to another impending Earthquake.

“Jump on it!”

As the Bronzong plunged to the ground again for another Earthquake attack, the Houndoom leaped onto steel pokemon’s head, biting onto the large, decorative rod that balanced it when it levitated. As the ground shook, the Bronzong was indifferent to the large being on its head trying to rip it apart.

“Go easy girl, Torment him!”

Houndoom stopped her vain attempt to bite off one of the Bronzong’s steel appendages, and instead became still and glowed with a black light. She relented, looked up at the sky and gave a deep howl as the Bronzong levitated again with its foe still clinging onto its steel head. Soon, a small beam of black light shot from the Houndoom's head into its Bronzong's body.

The Bronzong started to spin in mid-air, tossing the Houndoom aside off. She stood up quickly and growling at the ancient pokemon.

"Flamethrower!"

The rods crashed, the barrier rose, and the flames were absorbed.

“Now, use Overheat!”

The Houndoom shut its eyes and prepared for a fire attack twice as powerful as its flamethrower. The black and blue flames that blazed from its back sank into the body, and the Houndoom glowed red. Every toxin in her body rushed to her belly preparing to create the massive eruption of heat.

The Bronzong attempted to smash the ends of its ceremonial rod once again, but the Light Screen failed to materialize.

“Houndoom’s Torment attack prevents the Bronzong from using the same attacks over and over again!”

The Bronzong simply adjusted, and spun around at super fast speeds ready to deflect the massive burst of flame that was now rising in the Houndoom’s throat.

“Houndoom, attack it from above!”

The Houndoom’s throat was now bulging like a frog’s, filled with a massive flame ready to burn its opponent to a crisp. But she held in the attack for a little longer, leaping above the spinning Bronzong and releasing the deadly attack directly at the its foe.

The huge ball of black and blue fire, twice the size of its creator, hit the Bronzong within seconds and exploded into a massive conflagration of flame and ash. Where the Bronzong once stood was a flaming black and blue pillar surrounded by ground completely charred black. Houndoom fell back onto the ground, back to her normal state with no more red eyes or a flaming back, panting heavily and glaring at the beautiful fire now engulfing the Bronzong.

At last, the flaming pillar disappeared and the Bronzong was completely blackened, feebly spinning in a single circle before it collapsed onto the ground. The referee ran towards the fallen bell pokemon but before he could raise his flag, the Bronzong started to glow an angelic white.

The Houndoom snarled, and the stadium audience gave a collective gasp as the Bronzong levitated back into the air completely engulfed in a bright white light that flashed several times before subsiding. The Bronzong was a healthy blue again, it’s steel polished as new. It was floating back in the air, the angelic hum bursting from its body, gazing into Houndoom again.

“Think far back into the battle folks! When Miles’ Clefable was first sent out, she used a Wish attack that has the power to heal foes later in the battle. I have never, ever seen a wish that was able to act this far in advance!”

Ophelia looked at the healed pokemon in disbelief. It would be impossible to pull off the same strategy she used before. And now her Houndoom’s power boost from Clefable was gone, and even weaker after using all of its power on the Overheat attack.

When she thought the situation couldn’t get any more dire, she heard a thunderous clap from above. She looked to the sky where black clouds were stirring. Now Ophelia understood what the Bronzong was doing early when it (seemingly) just rocked back and forth uselessly. The ancient tolling of a Bronzong could summon rain clouds, and as if they were sliced with a knife, the clouds ripped forth and a powerful torrent fell to the stadium.

“Moves from earlier in the battle are coming to haunt Ophelia now! A rain cloud has been summoned above the stadium, folks! Hope you brought your umbrellas.”

The Houndoom yelped in agony as the large rain drops struck her coat. For the fire pokemon, they were like large drops of acid burning her. Ophelia had no choice but to call her Houndoom back.
__________________
Wow...my writingness has changed since my last siggy. That is all.
Reply With Quote
  #10    
Old December 29th, 2012, 12:31 PM
Bay Alexison's Avatar
Bay Alexison
Not a Baygel
 
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Dani California
Age: 25
Nature: Sassy
Yes, this is the same Bay from Serebii. Should have mentioned this earlier.

Anyways, this next part is very enjoyable. If I were Ophelia I would have rested a little more even if the battle is going to be canceled, but oh well. XD As for the battles they're still fun reads. I already had an idea Flash Fire will come to play once Clefable stuck a fire type attack on Houndoom, Kinda surprised Miles returned Clefable, but it's a good thing he did or else the Pokemon will be badly damaged. As for Houndoom versus Bronzong I thought the steel-psychic Pokemon is a goner, but haha Wish. Also double ouch for Ophelia with Rain Dance.

Looking forward to next part!
__________________
→Spark. Flash. Flame.

[PC Fanfiction Index] [Nothing, Everything] [Quiet Admiration][The BBS] [MyAnimeList][Archive of Our Own][FFnet]
[Partner in Crime: Elite Overlord LeSabre™] [Cousin: Astinus] [Avatar: suspecting from LJ]
Reply With Quote
Reply
Quick Reply

Sponsored Links


Thread Tools

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Minimum Characters Per Post: 25



All times are UTC -8. The time now is 03:03 PM.


Style by Nymphadora, artwork by Sa-Dui.
Like our Facebook Page Follow us on Twitter © 2002 - 2014 The PokéCommunity™, pokecommunity.com.
Pokémon characters and images belong to The Pokémon Company International and Nintendo. This website is in no way affiliated with or endorsed by Nintendo, Creatures, GAMEFREAK, The Pokémon Company or The Pokémon Company International. We just love Pokémon.
All forum styles, their images (unless noted otherwise) and site designs are © 2002 - 2014 The PokéCommunity / PokéCommunity.com.
PokéCommunity™ is a trademark of The PokéCommunity. All rights reserved. Sponsor advertisements do not imply our endorsement of that product or service. User generated content remains the property of its creator.