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[Poetry] The Lies In Our Life

Logical Cabbage

A Very Big Altaria Fan
1,264
Posts
10
Years
I'm not in a talking mood right now, so here's my poem. Feel free to criticize, although it's more of a speech.

The Burdeners


They are around us, who knows when, where, how, or what, but they exist. They walk like normal, they talk like normal, but what they carry isn't. The young and the innocent are the most naive; they hide the truth from them, shielding them from whatever they can. The thing they don't know is that this will cause the never-ending cycle of the Burdeners.

Burdeners have the things everyone deserves to carry; from pain to fear and many other emotions that exists but are not wanted. How do you become one is random; it will be a gift, but you cannot accept nor cease it at all. You become one if you want others to have the happiness you sacrificed so they can live peacefully, thus you take what can prevent this from happening. Others, you become one because of the evil around you, or those that want to see your demise. They cause you destruction so much that one day you just break down and are unstable afterwards, never to recover. But the worst thing is that there is no way to take out the grief inside of you; after all, what support do you have?

But either way, it all leads to the same thing; burden. They are people that have grief and they carry it forever; they even gain more grief by the second. Sometimes these are the people that believe in God and they believe that we are to end with evil and sin, and they shout "God forgive us!" Others keep quiet of what they carry out if shame of selflessness. In the end, no matter how much or little grief they carry, they will be forgotten and new Burdeners take their place. But the worse thing is that they know their life will lead to this; all the suffering they put up with will only stop the grief temporarily. But they are necessary for this world to be like how it is. Without Burdeners, will kids ever get to have their innocence? Will we even want to carry on life with it?

Burdeners carry a small hint of grief to memories that scar them for life. But you will never know who they are; they could be the people around you, or it can just be that distracted driver that forgets to go on the green light. But you will never see them on how they truly are, only know parts of their story. I can be one, or you, the fellow reader. Or you can be looking at that person right know without even knowing it. But in the end, there is never peace or stability in this world that has become Earth. We are either those that celebrate on life or those that grieve upon it. We don't have to be remembered at all in life to it; sometimes, you have to find that special someone that was worth it.​
 

Kyoe

working on it
265
Posts
9
Years
Hmm... well, first of all this is certainly prose, not poetry.
There are some grammatical and spelling errors througout, as well as a few strangely structured sentences. The general tone of the piece is actually rather grey and dismal. Whch makes the final sentence feel out of place.

My advice would be to keep writing, and test yourself with different genres. You might do well with drama, or maybe fiction. Keep an open mind and try things you wouldn't necessarily be interested in writing. It can really improve your abilities as an author to push yourself in new ways, and you never know, you might just find another style you really like!
And keep an eye on that sentence structure!
 
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