The PokéCommunity Forums  

Go Back   The PokéCommunity Forums > Creative Discussions > Fan Fiction and Writing
Sign Up Rules/FAQ Live Battle Blogs Mark Forums Read

Notices

Fan Fiction and Writing Submit your stories and poems.

Reply
 
Thread Tools
  #1    
Old October 23rd, 2013 (07:21 PM). Edited November 4th, 2013 by Whitney's Shaymin.
Whitney's Shaymin's Avatar
Whitney's Shaymin
Creator Of Pokemon Grace
Community Supporter
 
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Goldenrod, Johto
Gender: Male
Nature: Timid
So here's a story I decided to start (mostly out of boredom) so here you go.

I was just about to get my Pokémon from the professor. Almost. That’s when an explosion happened at the lab. Luckily I had been able to run for cover but I didn’t know about anyone else in the room. The smoke hurt my eyes and I could barely see through it. I knew today was supposed to be a special day for me, and this was ruining it. I waited for the smoke to clear before I stood up.

I looked at the whole in the wall. Lying there was a fainted Voltorb. Of course, I thought, what else could destroy a wall like that? I saw the Pokémon I was supposed to be getting above my head. I reached for one to see if I could let it out to help me. I grabbed a ball and looked at the label on it. Cyndaquil, it read. I didn’t think the professor would mind if I saved his butt so I stood up and yelled

“Go Cyndaquil!” A mouse with fire on its back popped out of the ball. So that’s what Cyndaquil looks like! I thought. I remembered reading about what moved Cyndaquil knew when given by the professor. Without thinking I headed towards the whole to see who I had to go against. By then the smoke had faded so I could see fine again. The professor was next to the whole knocked out, but he looked fine.

Heading outside the whole I looked around. No one seemed to be around. Going outside a little bit more I felt someone go behind me and run into the lab. I turned to see a boy with red hair. He ran to the pokéballs where I had gotten Cyndaquil from. He grabbed a ball and ran for the door. Without thinking I went to the outside part of the door stopping him. He ran right into me.

“Huh, a punk? What do you want?” the mysterious boy asked. The mysterious boy’s hair was red and I realized I had seen him before around town.

“Who are you and what are you doing? What’s with the Voltorb?” I asked him back

“Oh that wasn’t me,” He said smiling. “That was the work of Team Rocket. They thought no one saw them but they saw me after the Voltorb exploded. They ran for it after that. What a bunch of cowards.” Realizing that I had been facing a criminal I started to yell for Cyndaquil!

“Oh save your breath kid, I’m leaving.” Without another word he ran off into the trees.

In the rush he dropped his trainer card. I picked it up and read the name Silver. Oh, so Silver was his name. I went back in to see if the professor was ok.

“Professor Elm, you in here?” I called out in the lab.

“Uh, new trainer, are you ok?” He called back to me.

“Yeah, I’m fine but I think you just got robbed…” I told him

I saw him get up. His brown hair sticking up. He looked confused. He checked his Pokémon.

“Ahh, two of my Pokémon have gone missing.” He looked frantic.

“Um, I have one of them, I thought I might have needed it.” I showed him the Pokéball I had.

He came up to me and I gave him the Pokéball. He examined the Pokéball.

“Go Pokémon!” The ball opened and Cyndaquil popped out. Cyndaquil looked at me and ran to me.

“So the Pokémon likes you. Well since you came here to get a Pokémon why don’t you take it then.” He handed me back the Pokéball.

“Come back Cyndaquil.” The Pokémon returned to the ball. He handed the ball to me.

“Here you go.”

I couldn’t believe it. Even though I knew I was supposed to get one it still seemed crazy to me.

“Professor Elm, are you going to be okay?” I asked him.

“Yeah, I’m not hurt.” He said with assurance.

“Good because I’m chasing after someone.” I took off after Silver.

I know it's short now but I'll be adding to it probably almost every day. Any criticism would be nice. Thanks for reading
__________________


"The Incredibly Pretty Girl"

Gym Leader Whitney
link | link | link

FC: 4699-7156-4669 IGN: Gavin
Reply With Quote
  #2    
Old October 26th, 2013 (02:09 PM).
Cutlerine
Gone. May or may not return.
 
Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: The Misspelled Cyrpt
Age: 21
Gender:
Nature: Impish
Did I hear a call for criticism?

I don't believe I've seen you here before, so first of all - welcome to FF&W! I hope your stay here is a pleasant one.

Right. Let's get down to brass tacks: as you mentioned, this part of the story is short. Very much so, in fact - it's almost like reading a précis of events rather than a retelling of them. There isn't much description; you'd expect something like an explosion to take up more than one eight-word sentence. You mention the smoke hurting your protagonist's eyes, which is good - more like that would really bring the scene to life. What about the heat? The scattered rubble and detritus? The smell of cordite/ozone/whatever you think a Voltorb explosion ought to smell of? You don't have to spend long o them, but little details like that are the meat on the bones of the story; it completes the image in the reader's head.

Having said that, it's not a bad starting premise, and certainly different: Trainer almost gets Pokémon, but is interrupted in the first line of the first paragraph by an explosion. It's the sort of thing that gets your attention because yay explosions and it's definitely a compelling lead. If it had a little more description to back it up, it'd really be an opening to be proud of.

A few little mistakes I noticed:

Quote:
I looked at the whole in the wall.
I think you mean a hole, not a whole.

Quote:
A mouse with fire on it’s back popped out of the ball.
It's is a contraction of it is. If you can't replace the it's in your sentence with it is, then use its instead.

When punctuating direct speech, you end with a comma and begin the they said part with a lower-case letter. You wrote this, for instance:

Quote:
“Oh that wasn’t me.” He said smiling.
Which ought to be punctuated like this:

Quote:
“Oh that wasn’t me,” he said smiling.
Other than that, I think the main thing you'd want to work on is, as I said, fleshing out your description a bit. It's all right not to know too much about the main character at this stage, since you started right in the middle of the action, but it would really help the story if you could flesh out things like the explosion, the mysterious boy, and the professor lying there on the ground - the things that you really want the reader to notice.

I hope that's helped a bit! I look forward to seeing more from you in future.
__________________

For information about A Grand Day Out, a bizarre short story in video game form, click here.
Reply With Quote
  #3    
Old November 4th, 2013 (04:34 PM).
Whitney's Shaymin's Avatar
Whitney's Shaymin
Creator Of Pokemon Grace
Community Supporter
 
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Goldenrod, Johto
Gender: Male
Nature: Timid
I added some more to it. I fixed what you told me to.
__________________


"The Incredibly Pretty Girl"

Gym Leader Whitney
link | link | link

FC: 4699-7156-4669 IGN: Gavin
Reply With Quote
Reply
Quick Reply

Sponsored Links
Thread Tools

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Minimum Characters Per Post: 25



All times are UTC -8. The time now is 08:11 PM.


Style by Nymphadora, artwork by Sa-Dui.
Like our Facebook Page Follow us on Twitter © 2002 - 2014 The PokéCommunity™, pokecommunity.com.
Pokémon characters and images belong to The Pokémon Company International and Nintendo. This website is in no way affiliated with or endorsed by Nintendo, Creatures, GAMEFREAK, The Pokémon Company or The Pokémon Company International. We just love Pokémon.
All forum styles, their images (unless noted otherwise) and site designs are © 2002 - 2014 The PokéCommunity / PokéCommunity.com.
PokéCommunity™ is a trademark of The PokéCommunity. All rights reserved. Sponsor advertisements do not imply our endorsement of that product or service. User generated content remains the property of its creator.