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  #26    
Old July 7th, 2012, 09:52 AM
Kura's Avatar
Kura
vimeo.com/67501143
 
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Horsham, UK (orig. Toronto, Canada)
Age: 24
Gender: Female
Nature: Serious
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Advertise here
I'd been thinking of becoming a beta reader.. so.. here I go:

BETA READERS:

Category: I guess comprehensive..
Genre: Up for anything, though I'd prefer something dark or more mature.
Preferred method of contact: VM
Examples of writing: http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7990061/...ult_to_Repress
Examples of reviews/beta-reports: I've.. never done a beta review. Though I was wondering if this was mandatory? I figured I would fill this out anyways.

Thanks for considering me :3
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  #27    
Old July 8th, 2012, 05:38 PM
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bobandbill
Where's that sheep...
 
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Central Coast - Australia
Age: 22
Gender: Male
Nature: Jolly
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Quote:
Examples of reviews/beta-reports: I've.. never done a beta review. Though I was wondering if this was mandatory? I figured I would fill this out anyways.
Yes, it's a compulsory part of the form. Note however that it doesn't mean you have to link to a beta report; you could instead just link to regular reviews. They can come from other forums/sites as well and if you don't have any yet they can be made easily enough. But yeah, as the first post says we need at least two examples of this part with applications.
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  #28    
Old July 17th, 2012, 01:48 PM
Meeptasm's Avatar
Meeptasm
Eevee of Mystery
 
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Dallas, Texas
Age: 21
Gender: Male
Nature: Lonely
Alright... It took me a while to find this thread, but I can finally stop PMing random users for help... WITHOUT FURTHER ADO:
_________________________________
Title of Story - Team Evolite: The Eevee Rescue Team (I know, I need a better subtitle...)
Fandom: Pokemon (Mystery Dungeon)
Plot summary: On her way to become a top rate solo explorer, Eevette, a young and very pompous Eevee, happens upon another of her kind, only his fur is a sterling white... and his only memory is of him once being human! Together, Eevette and Nico must travel the land of Divelo and find out how the white Eevee ended up on the beach and what happened in his past to transform him into a Pokemon. However, lurking behind the darkness, many enemies are working against our two fledgling heroes, seeking to stop them in their tracks. But with Nico's mysterious ability to see past the past the darkness and discover the unknown, they might just survive find what they're looking for.
Genre: Adventure
Rating (PG, R, etc): RP-PG13
Type of mentor needed: One that can give good advice on where to veer the story when it starts to become boring as well as a grammar "professor".
Writing sample of story:

Eevette: But that’s not fair! There are many solo explorers out there, some of them very famous!

???: They’ve earned the right to explore alone. If the Board deems you skilled enough, they will allow you to train as a one-Pokémon exploration team. Until then, you must have a partner.

Eevette closed her eyes and ground her teeth out of frustration. She obviously wasn’t happy with what she was hearing.

Eevette: I would find one, but there’s no Pokémon in this desolate town remotely worthy of being my partner…

The voice behind the gate gave off a heavy sigh, which sounded like the hoot of a melancholy owl.

???: With that attitude, it’s no wonder you can’t find a partner. You run off every Pokémon you meet instead of trying to learn about them. Like I said before, the fact that Eevees are extremely hard to come by doesn’t put you above anyone else. Until you accept that and make a friend, you are not to bother us again. Now I must get back to my tasks, so I’m afraid you’ll have to leave the premises immediately. Have a good evening.

And with that, everything became silent, aside from the hushed whispers of the gentle summer breeze. For some time, Eevette didn’t move from her spot. She was immobilized by a mixture of shock and wrath.

Eevette: (How… H-How DARE that inferior Pokémon talk down to me! Without showing his face, even! Does he not know who I am?! I don’t care what he says! These Pokémon aren’t even worth having their names memorized, let alone become acquainted with! Well, I’ll show him! I’ll show them all!)

She bowed her head to view the charm hanging around her neck, and her unpleasant scowl transformed into a fulsome grin, her remaining fury into a powerful confidence. Spinning around to show her back to the guild, she directed her gaze upward and shouts to the sky a boastful decree

Eevette: Hear me, Pokémon of the land! You might be unaware of who I am for now, but I swear upon the treasure hanging from my collar, you will soon know my name! One day, the whole world will recognize the amazing talent of Eevette, solo explorer extraordinaire!!!

Other: Well, I guess my writing abilities began to form when I took up roleplaying during my high school Freshman year. I've done many partial stories since then. I know I'm not the first to say this, but I have so many ideas swimming in my head that I try to put onto paper, though I never really finished any of them due to a mixture of writer's block, and a major lack of moral support as well as a number of friends who would just laugh at my ideas. I understand the basics of writing a story already, such as setting and character development. However, I need a lot of help on the details, like how to make people sympathize with the characters and how to keep the plot interesting without it running on and on. I also get a lot of my material from the games, like most other people, but I sometimes have trouble morphing that material into something original. If anyone can help me with becoming the best fan fiction writer I can be, I'd be a very happy Meep.
  #29    
Old July 18th, 2012, 02:18 AM
bobandbill's Avatar
bobandbill
Where's that sheep...
 
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Central Coast - Australia
Age: 22
Gender: Male
Nature: Jolly
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Added to the list, Meeptasm. (Put you down as wanting a Plot/Grammar beta reader too as that best fit your description for what sort of mentor you wanted.)
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  #30    
Old August 18th, 2012, 04:46 PM
Infiltrat0rN7's Avatar
Infiltrat0rN7
Legion
 
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Canada
Gender: Male
Title of story: Derivatives

Fandom: Pokémon

Plot summary: "To go on a Pokémon adventure." The dream of every child, and at one point even mine. I trekked this path though, and I assure you nothing but horrors ensue. A psychotic father hellbent on leaving a legacy for the ages, a man forming a disorted utopia, an insane league who spend their time abducting children, and one deranged pixxie who takes everything to hell.

Genre: Original Trainer, Adventure, Mystery

Rating: M for Mature. The story will contain swearing and adult themes, for a more realistic world. There will be no lemons.

Type of mentor needed: Comprehensive

Writing sample of story: "The second step turned everything to black. The sound of the rocks crashing subsided, leaving only a desolate silence in the air, and the frantic beating of my heart. I stood there motionless, the only movement in the cave was the dust tickling my skin. I waited for what seemed to be an eternity for the dust to settle before making my next move."

Other: This is my second fanfic. The first one was abandoned after chapter 1.
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  #31    
Old August 18th, 2012, 05:30 PM
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bobandbill
Where's that sheep...
 
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Central Coast - Australia
Age: 22
Gender: Male
Nature: Jolly
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Added to the list, Infiltrat0rN7.
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  #32    
Old August 29th, 2012, 04:57 PM
Aques Keus's Avatar
Aques Keus
Swaggins
Community Supporter
 
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: The Cave of Hymns
Age: 18
Gender: Male
Nature: Brave
Title of Story:Risio's Story
Fandom: Pokemon
Plot summary:Risio has moved to Rosepetal City, located on an island known for the sadness people feel when they go there. He explains his life on the island, and the people he met.
Genre:Tragedy/Drama
Rating (PG, R, etc):T
Type of mentor needed:Plot, Proof-reading
Writing sample of story:“The island is said to make people sad, and the stories are true. That girl you saw, you made her happy even here, and that should make you happy, even if you feel empty inside.” She looked at me and tried to smile “I don’t know if that girl really existed but, rumors say there are spirits of the island and maybe she was one. You should get home though before you get rained on more.” I couldn’t say anything; I had a heavy chest and a lump in my throat;
Other: I've written 4 other fictions, 2 of them adventure, one tragedy, and one psychological. My strength is versatile plot development, weaknesses are grammar, spelling and minor plotholes
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  #33    
Old September 3rd, 2012, 04:29 AM
psyanic's Avatar
psyanic
There's Something About Lamps
 
Join Date: May 2011
Location: The USA
Age: 18
Gender: Female
Nature: Bold
I'm Beta Reading for Infiltrat0rN7, and I still have time for more writers. Maybe.
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  #34    
Old September 4th, 2012, 05:05 AM
bobandbill's Avatar
bobandbill
Where's that sheep...
 
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Central Coast - Australia
Age: 22
Gender: Male
Nature: Jolly
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Bit late but updated that info, Khawill and psyanic.
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  #35    
Old September 9th, 2012, 09:06 PM
Star Girl's Avatar
Star Girl
Dragon Obsessed
 
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: Colorado
Age: 25
Gender: Female
Nature: Calm
Title of Story: Uniting the Five

Fandom: Pokemon

Plot summary: A post-apocalyptic fanfic revolving around one girls rather reluctant journey to put things back together. Based off of most of the Nuzlocke rules with a couple of ones I have thrown in for the story.

Genre: Adventure

Rating (PG, R, etc): T

Type of mentor needed:Comprehensive

Writing sample of story:
Spoiler:
We were children, just children, when we saw our world turned upside down.

Ethan and I were just five when the dissolving peace between the five regions disappeared like it had never existed with the death of President Helton. He was the last stronghold of peace between the regions. The Teams who ran most of the regions behind the scenes dissolved into a full out war against each other to try to gain more control.

The Elite tried, they did, but eventually they disappeared into hiding. They may be strong but they only stood so much against an army. No one has heard from them in almost seventeen years now. Most think they are dead, but I think otherwise. With the regions so scattered as they are it may be just as dangerous to return to the real world as it was when the war started.

The war lasted three years, three long years. What happened in the mean time changed the world forever. Some cities and towns disappeared overnight. The major thoroughfares were altered and changed from the bombings. Nothing would ever be the same again.

Three years after it started, supplies and troops running low what remained of the leadership finally called for a ceasefire. The fighting ended just as quickly as it seemed to have started to Ethan and mine's young eyes.

The fighting wasn't without a price even to the small town of New Bark Town. While we had usually been ignored for larger cities such as Goldenrod and Olivine it didn't mean we had the occasional attack.

With the fighting over the regions had isolated each other in order to heal. However the distrust now ever larger than ever, no one, not ever Kanto and Johto had tried to make contact again. Eventually over time even the cities themselves had become isolated from each other. The war having caused such distrust that many felt it was best to keep to themselves. And since there was central government to unite us there was nothing to stop us from becoming isolated. When the teams had withdrawn to try to heal themselves after the war they themselves had caused so had the last of the central government that had kept Johto together. So most cities turned to their own citizens for a way to create order and leadership.

New Bark Town was no exception to the rule, while we had a town council of sorts we also had a person designated as our spokesperson/leader. Professor Elm filled this role. Our biggest contact was with Cherrygrove a city just a few miles down the road from us with a bit more limited contact with Violet City a bit further off.

It had been 14 years since the war had ended. People moved on, children grew, and cities began to get back on their feet. But the weariness that had existed since before even the war had begun kept the region from reuniting under a central government again. From what little we had heard about Kanto it was supposedly in the same sort of disrepair. The remaining three regions had lost contact with us since the end of the war.

It would take a big force for the cities to start talking again, it would take an even larger one for them to reunite like they once were.


Other: Writing is going to take time due to the fact I am playing under a rule that all tasks must be accomplished by 6:30 pm.

Also would love for someone willing to beta in the LONG run or be willing to beta a second fanfic. This is a prequel to another project (non-Nuzlocke) that has been in the works for years now.

Oh and story timeline may not always line up perfectly with the game. Meaning some events may take place out of order due to how my brain comes up with it. I only seen this happening once so far but then again I've only outlined up to the edge of the Illex Forest so far and were talking a grand story that's going to overarc over five regions so anything is up for grabs except for some major events.

Been writing fanfics on and off since I was in grade school. My current style of writing only really began to develop when I was in my first couple years of college (so about five years back now). It should be noted that I've never been really great at summaries so if you want a better idea of this story PM me and I can message you the first two chapters.

Also expect to maybe edit two or three times I have the tendency to go back and edit things multiple times before I'm happy.
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Last edited by Star Girl; September 9th, 2012 at 09:54 PM.
  #36    
Old October 19th, 2012, 03:27 AM
Volcanix769's Avatar
Volcanix769
Known as the Quilava Guy!
 
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: NJ in the U.S
Gender: Male
Nature: Careful
I wanted to do this since I wanted to improve in my story. So here it is:

Title of Story: Pokemon Johto Adventures

Plot Summary: This adventurous 10 year old kid named Blake Chambers sets off a journey to follow his dad's goals. He can be a little hotheaded and lacks in tactics a bit while battling, but he is a very good trainer. When he bonds with this enigmatic Pokemon named Quil that has a temper, they set to work together to reach the goal of being one of the best teams there is.

Genre: Action/Adventure

Rating: PG-13

Type of mentor needed: Comprehensive, Plot, Proof-Read, and Grammar

Writing Sample:

Quote:
Originally Posted by Volcanix769 View Post
Then I got my Poke Ball out. "Ok Quil, come out."
I threw out the Poke Ball and Quil was released as red energy until he was his real self. When he saw me, he turned around, feeling irritable.

"Hey Quil, that's what I am going to name you, so.... I will be your partner. But first, I need to take you to my house. SO let's go."

When I walked, Quil wasn't moving a bit. "I said, let's go." He still didn't move. Then I got a leash and tied it at his neck. Then I dragged his body, but he's heavy as a tomb.

I groaned in annoyed way, seeing that Quil refused to walk. "Ok. I'll carry you." I picked him up and grabbed him tight, since he refuses to last in my hands. I came back, seeing my Mom cooking and Buzz playing by himself.

"Mom, I'm back." I said.

She stopped stirring and rotated towards me. "Honey, why are you back so soon, I thought that you started."

"I did, but I want to show you my Cyndaquil." I put him at the ground. Buzz then ran to Quil, being excited that he could play with him. Quil didn't move a bit, he was like a petrified newborn.

"Be Bee!(Hey there!)" Buzz greeted. Quil said nothing, it's like he was dead. "Bee?" Buzz tried moving Quil's front and back legs, but he refused to move. When Buzz used Thundershock to move Quil, that angered Quil, then he kicked Buzz to the wall. My eyes were in shock with my heart racing.

"Quil, stop this instant right now!" I put my finger down.

But Quil ignored my command, then he erupted his flame out, but this time, it was blue. I gasped. Like, how can a Cyndaquil have his flame be blue?! That's nearly impossible, except for a Charizard. Then Quil used Quick Attack and tackled Buzz, causing a big crater at the wall that's the size of a boulder. They rolled down to my creepy basement used by sewer Pokemon such as Ratatta and Spinarak. Then he punched him harshly and used Ember to burn him.

Quil, like I said, STOP NOW!" I angrily commanded, then I stomped the ground angrily with my face having a serious grin.
But Quil still didn't comprehend like if he has no consciousness. Then he used Ember again and burned Buzz.

"Beeeeee!!" Buzz ran while he was on fire, at the point he passed out. My mom then ran to Buzz down the stairs, seeing if he was ok, then he slowly opened his eyes. I cried hardly, then I stomped my foot and ran down the stairs, seeing Buzz badly injured, with a slight bit of blood coming streaming out of his wide open mouth.

"Quil! What is your problem! You are the worst Pokemon I have ever seen! Your disobedience is far enough! You almost killed Buzz for pete sake! Because of your problem! He would never do that to someone, and you don't even care about how much damage you caused!? I tried being your friend, but NOOOOO...... You TEND TO act like I AM YOUR ENEMY! NOW WE ARE. IF YOU DON'T WANT TO BE MY FRIEND FINE! Get out of my face, NOW!" I then pointed the door, hyperventilating harshly.
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Last edited by Volcanix769; October 19th, 2012 at 03:33 PM.
  #37    
Old October 19th, 2012, 08:00 PM
Astinus's Avatar
Astinus
Remember NovEnder
 
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Connecticut, USA
Age: 27
Gender: Male
Star Girl and Volcanix769 have both been added to the list!
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  #38    
Old October 27th, 2012, 06:15 PM
Phantom's Avatar
Phantom
Uh, I didn't do it
Community Supporter
 
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Minnesota
Age: 23
Gender: Female
Nature: Brave
I'd like to extend my beta abilities to include grammar, character, and language, please.

I'll also pick up Volcanix769's fic.

EDIT: Hey look, my 200th post. (Shhhh it's a landmark for a lurker.)
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  #39    
Old November 16th, 2012, 08:42 PM
imevil's Avatar
imevil
Biggest Scyther Fan
Community Supporter
 
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: 'MURICA
Gender: Male
Nature: Naughty
Title of Story: Varus (Name subject to change, just temporary)
Fandom: Pokemon
Plot summary: An ex-Team Plasma officer leaves Plasma after the events of Pokemon Black. He leaves with items of importance to Plasma and they go after him. He must fight for his life to escape, and bring down team Neo Plasma.
Genre:Action, Drama
Rating (PG, R, etc): PG-13
Type of mentor needed: Comprehensive, I'm sorta new, but anyone who specializs in anything story related would be ok.
Writing sample of story:
Spoiler:
It had been years since it ended. Since Varus had left. Since Varus had quit. Since Varus had escaped. He was alone now, other than his Patrat. They always told him it was weak, that he had to get rid of it, it would slow him down. But he couldn’t do it. Now that he escaped, he released all his Pokémon back to the wild. He was hoping they would find the trainers he stole them from. He knew it would probably not happen, but he still hoped. He thought back, what got him in all of this? He used to be an innocent child. His youth made him gullible, for an orphan like himself; he thought he had found a home. He wouldn’t need to go from Pokémon center to Pokémon center. It was a mistake. And now he knew they would come after him, he knew too much. He knew about their plans to reform. They would try to stop him, and there was only one person that could help him. There was only one person powerful enough, and willing, to take on the whole organization. He knew he would need his help, he needed to find N, N would be his last hope.

Other:First fan-fic!
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  #40    
Old November 17th, 2012, 07:42 PM
Astinus's Avatar
Astinus
Remember NovEnder
 
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Connecticut, USA
Age: 27
Gender: Male
All changes have been made!
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  #41    
Old January 8th, 2013, 09:14 PM
Hobgoblin
Unhatched Egg
 
Join Date: Sep 2012
Gender: Male
Title of the Story: (Unnamed thus far)
Fandom: Pokémon
Plot summary: A 15-year-old becomes a trainer and tries to find his role in life. Meanwhile, Ghetsis makes one final desperate grab for control of the Unova region, gathering the tools necessary for the completion of "Project G".
Genre: Action/Adventure
Rating: PG/PG-13
Type of mentor needed: Comprehensive
Writing sample of story: A flash of light signaled the release of the Pokéball’s lock, an Abra appearing from the whiteness with a small, annoyed noise. Then, its eyes began to open into narrow slits, blue energy crackling in its gaze. Its body flickered, as if made of static, and then vanished into the air, leaving naught but an empty ball and a patch of grass.

With a groan, Rex trudged forward to retrieve the capture device, his partner Rascal skipping to keep up with his trainer’s longer strides. The Eevee nuzzled against its companion’s leg encouragingly as the boy stooped to pick up the Pokéball, his tail thumping against the top of his trainer’s shoe. Noticing his friend’s attempts at trying to cheer him up, Rex gave it a weary smile. "I guess it's not as easy as I thought to catch Pokémon, huh?"


He sat down at his Pokémon's side, blades of grass wilting underneath him. Rascal scampered up to his trainer, hopping into his lap and purring softly. "I guess we can take a break now,” Rex agreed, scratching behind Rascal’s ears almost absent-mindedly, the small Pokémon tail waggling even faster than before. “Maybe we'll get lucky after lunch."
  #42    
Old June 30th, 2013, 04:44 PM
miltankRancher's Avatar
miltankRancher
Mega Ampharos is the one.
 
Join Date: May 2010
Location: Philippines
Age: 19
Gender: Male
Nature: Jolly
Send a message via Yahoo to miltankRancher
Title of Story: Temporarily entitles "Conspiracy"
Fandom: Pokemon
Plot summary: Eighteen-year old Lawrence Herman finally decided (or was pushed?) to become a Pokemon Trainer after dropping out college. With his father's advice, Lawrence will undergo the most grueling journey his life would ever go on to. However, unseen forces lurk in every corner as friends turn to enemies, enemies turn to allies, and old legends brought back to life. With a few help along the way, Lawrence will understand what it takes to become the Pokemon Master.
Genre: Action/Adventure
Rating (PG, R, etc): PG-13
Type of mentor needed: Comprehensive with focus on Grammar.
Writing sample of story:
Spoiler:
“Swim!” Max swam faster, feeling Gyarados on a mad chase behind us. I spotted a bunch of rocks protruding from underwater somewhere in front of us. “Max, to the rocks and quickly!” I screamed urging my Pokémon to go faster. Another Gyarados emerged from underwater. This one I could tell is a new one; its scales were a deep-red in color. I had no time to appreciate the fact that I saw a shiny Gyarados as it sent out a Hydro Pump in our direction. Max managed to evade it by diving underwater, bringing me with him. I felt my lungs tighten but Max quickly beached into the rocks. I jumped from my Pokémon’s back. “Shoxx, out!” I threw another Pokeball and the fourth member of my team appeared. If I am going to battle, I need to utilize the type advantage. “Shoxx, Thunderbolt! Max, Focus Blast!” Long term attacks would hold the two Pokémon away from us, eliminating the risk of close-combat injuries, or my Pokémon being hit by a randomly thrown attack. I like to keep things under my control.

Both attacks hit the second Gyarados, simply because it is nearer. I heavily relied on Shoxx’ Wild Charge to deal out the bulk of the damage as I knew that Max’ Focus Blast would not do much damage. It only serves as a distraction. The shiny Pokémon sent out another Hydro Pump but it went wide as it was hit by another barrage of attacks. “Keep it up!” I willed the shiny Pokémon to faint as the first Gyarados was slowly approaching. I could not deal with two Pokémon at once, especially if they are fully-grown and angry Gyarados. The first Gyarados sent out a Hyper Beam which hit the rocks behind us. Luckily, the shiny Gyarados fell as the first one entered our attacking distance. “Switch targets!” Max and Shoxx sent their attacks again but the Gyarados dove underwater. I knew immediately what I had to do. “Max, Surf!” Max entered the water again but, instead of swimming, dove underwater. A few moments of tense watching later, Max reappeared riding a huge wave. He managed to upturn this part of the lake upside down, and I could see the shiny Gyarados, more Gyarados, and other Pokémon being washed away by the attack. I let out a huge sigh of relief as Max swam back towards us. I started to forget how strong my Pokémon could actually get.



Other: I've written 6 chapters of the story already, although I am needing a second opinion regarding things. Also, grammar is my weakest point in writing.
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Lanistae Jacet [Lies of a Trainer]
  #43    
Old July 23rd, 2013, 11:50 PM
Nolafus's Avatar
Nolafus
Aspiring Writer, or something...
 
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Lost in thought... again
Age: 19
Gender: Male
Nature: Calm
Title of Story: Alien Poverty
Fandom: None (I hope that's okay!)
Plot summary: An alien race known as Srains have inhabited Earth and have been living there for a few generations. The story follows a Srain named Nolafus and his daily struggles, as a single father, against segregation, and trying to be a good role model for his two kids.
Genre: SciFi with a little bit of historical fiction.
Rating (PG, R, etc): PG-13 (minor language)
Type of mentor needed: My biggest struggle is with description.I keep receiving the critique "good dialogue, but description is lacking."
Example of writing:
Spoiler:

The hall was now engulfed in flames with no way to walk through. Nolafus quickly took off his fireproof jacket and covered the baby. He took a couple steps back, and leaped through the flames to the other side his scales preventing any damage that was too serious. Joe followed suit and they both bolted through the front door with the baby, still crying, safe and sound.

The mother immediately broke from the crowd and came racing over to Nolafus and Joe. She immediately snatched the baby from Nolafus with a wrinkle in her nose and showered Joe with thank you's and and praise. Joe tried convincing the woman that it was all Nolafus' effort that her baby was saved, and she finally muttered out a small "thank you" in Nolafus' direction and rushed back towards the crowd.

"Well it looks like this dynamic duo saves yet another life." Joe said sounding quite pleased with himself.

"I guess so." Nolafus muttered and started walking back towards the truck.

"Oh come on," Joe replied following Nolafus, "You know she was thankful for saving her baby, don't be like this. She was just, just..."

"Just what!" Nolafus exclaimed whipping around and facing Joe," Just ashamed to admit that a Srain helped her! When will you humans get it, we have feeling just like you! We're not just meatbags, we're not too tough to sit down on the bus, we're not inferior, and we're not aliens anymore! We live on this Earth just like you and we were born on this Earth just like you! Why don't you humans get it!"

"I get it." Joe said looking Nolafus straight in the eyes.

Nolafus let out a long, exasperated sigh. "I know you do I just get, frustrated some times about all this. I'm sorry, I didn't mean to yell at you."

"It's alright," Joe said patting Nolafus on the back, "I mean you guys have every right to be frustrated, but I mean this inequality has gone on for a while now and It doesn't seem to be stopping anytime soon. Come on, I think they might need help with the hose."


Other: I'm finished with three chapters and working on my fourth one. I would like someone to help me improve overall.
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  #44    
Old August 6th, 2013, 07:58 PM
darkpokeball's Avatar
darkpokeball
Beware the Chainsaw Meowth 0.o
 
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: In your nightmares
Title of Story: ATLA: Omens
Fandom: Avatar: The Last Airbender
Plot summary: After visiting a spiritual place, a boy named Aang that was the bridge between the mortal and spirit worlds, recieves a premonition of an event that could lead to his friends and loved ones dying.
Genre: Fantasy/Adventure
Rating (PG, R, etc): PG, just to be safe.
Type of mentor needed: Comprehensive
Writing sample of story:
Spoiler:


There was the grass. Wet with morning dew, reflecting therays of the sun as it rose. The air was cold, but the early hour was just whatthe girl needed. A small river flowed from one end of the grassy field into asmall lake at the other end. Pink flowers sprouted, often given to loved ones.The scene was docile, undisturbed. The girl felt empowered by the sereneness ofthe field, a warm feeling in her body despite the frigid air. She walked to theriver, and simply stopped before taking a breath. Then, a small area of theriver began to behave differently. It spun around itself before leaving theriver itself and hanging, suspended in thin air. The orb of water lost a fewdrops, before moving with the girl. Her hands commanded the aquatic substanceand it wished to follow her flowing movements. She released her grip on thewater and it splashed upon the grass. The girl heard her brother call, andfollowed the sound to the lake.
“There you are! The water’s crystal-clear and it feelsgreat! Why’d you wander off?” the boy asked.

“I’m sorry; the river distracted me. Let me get into mybathing suit.” The girl sighed.

“Seriously, Katara. It’s unlike you to be distracted by ariver of all things.” The boy remarked.
“It was so…serene. I just got lost in the moment. No morefirelord, no more war…it’s nice to be able to get lost without worrying aboutbeing ambushed or burned.” Katara pointed out, jumping into the water, havingchanged clothing.

“Whatever. I still like to keep my guard up.” The boymumbled, slowly working his way into the water. It was cold and tickled hisskin. He had left the pool to call for his sister, and now he had to re-adjust.At least he didn’t have to change again.

“Hey, Sokka. Where’s Aang? I know he came here with us.”Katara said, playing with a lopsided ball of water in the air.

“He said he felt some mystical wumbo-jumbo calling to him.”Sokka sighed.

“And you didn’t go after him?” Katara asked, the watersuddenly feeling colder.
“He’s a fully realized Avatar. He can defend himself.” Sokkaprotested. Their conversation was cut off by a scream. It was loud, and it wasobviously close. The voice seemed stressed and tense, but the brother andsister knew who it was instantly. They exchanged a look.

“It’s Aang.”

Other: I've been writing for a long time and, in my opinion, I'm gradually getting better. I feel like a weakness is action-sequences and fast-paced scenes. Whenever they come about, the detail sort of gets lost. For my beta reader, I'd prefer someone familar with the ATLA universe. VMing would be the preferred method of contact.
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My Chainsaw Meowth is currently missing! If you have a lead or think you know something, PLEASE PM ME! I am desperately searching, and I dread the possibility that I may never find him...
On a side note, if anybody can answer the following question right, then they get a mystery prize! *Must have a Gen V game to claim prize*
Question: What the heck did Jinora do in the finale?! I don't get it! I know 90% of you won't know what I'm talking about, but I need an answer!
  #45    
Old August 16th, 2013, 06:03 PM
Astinus's Avatar
Astinus
Remember NovEnder
 
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Connecticut, USA
Age: 27
Gender: Male
After thinking things over, I'm going to close down this current version of the Beta Thread. We unfortunately have a lack of beta readers, and the demand for beta readers is staggering and can't currently be met. Perhaps in the future things might be different. Until then...
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