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[Pokémon] Charcoal's Destiny.

39
Posts
10
Years
  • Age 27
  • Seen yesterday
Hey everyone, this is my fanfic, a work in progress. Charcoal's Destiny is a story by me following a brave Charmander's quest to become a top rate explorer.Her destiny is etwined with many others and the path to glory and true friendship will be filled with many dangers, and a lot harder than she expects.. I'm currently on 35 chapters, but I'll leave Chapter 1 here and post a chapter a day as long as someone else posts so I don't double post. It's not the most well written thing, started this two years ago, and my writing certainly got better over the course of the fic. Anyway, here's Chapter 1, all comments and criticism are welcome.
Spoiler:

~MistressofMightyena~
 
10,175
Posts
17
Years
  • Age 37
  • Seen yesterday
Hey there! Welcome to FF&W!

Since you're open to comments, I figured I'd stop by and give you some advice for your story.

First, I noticed that you don't have proper paragraph spacing. When writing on the forums, you should hit the Enter button twice between paragraphs to have a space between each one. This makes your story more inviting to read, since it's not just a wall of text.

I also noticed that you have a few grammar errors in your chapter. Mostly with using the wrong word in a sentence.

my eyes where a stunning blue
Should be "were a stunning blue"

I went downstairs to the kitchen, were my foster parents
"where my foster parents"

a couple of Charizard's stood with breakfast
"a couple of Charizard"

Pokemon names are weird when being pluralized. You don't have to add an "s" to the end of them to signify more than one. But if you do, then you don't use an apostrophe. "'s" signifies possession of something.

My real parents we're killed
"were killed"

"Loppunys Guild of Fun and Friendship
"Loppuny's Guild" to signify possession

looked at the sunset in the east
I'm assuming you mean "sunrise in the east" since Charcoal's just waking up for breakfast. Unless she's a nocturnal Pokemon?

the direction we're the guild was
"where the guild was"

This also has a few plot-related issues to me. Did Charcoal ever mention to her parents how much she wanted to join an exploration team? While I can understand that her parents might be worried about her out in the world (especially given her past), why couldn't Charcoal just talk to them first before running away? That way, you could show to the reader just how much Charcoal is willing to work towards her dream. Or at least show that her parents care for her by listening to her dream and how important it is. And why it's so important. Why does Charcoal want to create the best exploration team? Is it related to her real parents?

This introduction just feels rushed, as if you couldn't wait to get Charcoal out the door to her adventure. If her home life isn't going to be important to the story, then you could have just passed over this scene and started her off at the guild. If her home life is going to be important, then it deserves a little more time devoted to it.

Plus taking the time to explore the world and the characters makes your story a little richer to the reader. They can get involved more.

You have a good beginning here for a fic. It just needs a little more time to develop and bring the reader in to get a feel for Charcoal.
 
39
Posts
10
Years
  • Age 27
  • Seen yesterday
Thanks for your comments. I cringed when reading this when I posted, I wrote it 3 years back now haha. Anyway, most of those mistakes are fixed in later chapters. Here's Chapter 2:
Spoiler:

~MistressofMightyena~
 

Nolafus

Aspiring something
5,724
Posts
11
Years
I'm sorry, but I want you to stop and work on this chapter a little bit. It's way too short as it is. I understand that you write this a long time ago, so now would be a good time to rework it a little bit and polish it up. Just listen to Astinus, and you should be good to go. Until this chapter gets longer, I'm afraid I'm going to have to restrict you from posting further chapters.
 
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