Dear Anonymous/(es),
As I listen to this song, this song with no words, it reminds me a bit of how life can take us. On the painted desert.. a place that's vast; a place where.. no matter which direction you choose, you know you will be walking blindly.. towards the unknown. And yes, as much as we can try to paint it, the wind will blow the trails away, and we are left trying to follow remnants of what we laid out before.
But do we really mind? Yes, we'll be sweating- it will be a hard journey.. but when you find that oasis.. would it all be worth it?
Uncertainty scares me the most, but I'm beginning to appreciate the journey rather than the destination. It is draining- yes, worrying is draining, but worries also wash away in the moments that I can wind down and simply enjoy an evening laugh, debate, and company.
Yet I know, in an instant, technically it can be swept away. But there's some things that can't be- and that is how I feel. No one nor nothing can take that away.
Many people know this already about me; that I can be stubborn, as unmoving as a rock with my opinion, and very blunt with it too- almost unnecessarily so. But I've bit my tongue for too long, and I've decided that if I feel strongly about something, I will voice it. It could be a reason why I am hated by so many- I have no tact, but I've learned the hard way, that my beliefs, to me, are more important than any sort of redemption in the eyes of others. I was tired of apologizing for things I never was. "I'm sorry I'm stupid." "I'm sorry I'm boring." "I'm sorry I'm annoying." "I'll try to be better." Every time I said it, I believed it more. It echoed in my own thoughts. In the past, every time I heard that I wasn't loved, that I was hated, even out of their own pure jealousy, I cried. I cried and refused it. But I had been so used to simply believing in what others said, that it was hard to dismiss it.
It's different now. I have strength.
Nevertheless, although it can still be upsetting to be disliked, and I am still learning eloquency, it is easier than sitting in silence, letting toxic thoughts overwhelm you. I'm finished with them overwhelming me, but it doesn't mean I don't get the acid from my thoughts or from the words I hear licking at my limbs from time to time. Comparatively, I may be a hardened (or I guess you can say more adult) version of an old self, but I do still feel. And I'm no longer here to feed society's need for petty things. Need and want are different matters.
But I digress, what I do want to say is, most of my walls are down. The only ones up are little ones, but they are ones that have never gone down before. You know what they are; metaphorically, they have to do with the desert I paint- the worries I have. I'm not sure when I'll be ready to bring them down, but I know they will go down eventually. Most people see me with walls up, but that's okay, because it doesn't leave me as vulnerable to the abuse I had to endure when I was young and passive. I'm digressing again, but I want to thank you for always being patient with me- you don't know how much that means to me. I'm happy we are able to connect in the way that we do; and I am learning slowly, with your help, to destroy all my barriers.
In the meantime we will enjoy the journey, I've decided. And in times of anguish, loss, frustration, and sadness, I want it to be like looking back at footprints in the sand: "the years that you have seen only one set of footprints, I have carried you."
Just as you carry me now.
I'm not sure if this makes sense, even to myself, but... what I want to say is.. thank you. I am happy.
