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  #1    
Old December 18th, 2012, 06:31 PM
Lucariotoes's Avatar
Lucariotoes
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Description:
Despite the integration of Pokemorphs into Kanto society years ago, trouble seems to follow the hybrids everywhere. With the return of Team Rocket and rumors of darker troubles yet, four acquaintances come together to protect Saffron City and its surrounding areas.

Rated PG-13 for vulgar language and violence. Note that the vulgar language will be written while purposely evading the in-forum censors. Reader discretion, as such, is advised.

Disclaimer:
I do not own the rights to the Pokemon franchise in any way, shape or form. The rights to such a franchise belongs to Nintendo and Game Freak. However, original characters used in this story do belong to both myself as well as my IRL friends, depending on the character in question.
This story takes on a darker tone to the Pokemon world that is aimed for older fans of the series, as well as involving anthropomorphic versions of Pokemon characters. Reader discretion is advised.
Finally, some elements of this fanfiction are inspired or taken from a MUSH known, quite simply, as the Pokemorph MUSH. All elements that are derived or inspired are used with permission from those in charge on the MUSH.

~~~
Faded Saffron
Chapter one: Officer Sasaki, PIA

“--85 today, sunny without a cloud in the sky!” The radio kicked in immediately, right as the alarm clock went to 8 AM in the Kanto region. The Lavender Town broadcast extended all across Kanto. Some were distraught with the reconstruction of the infamous Pokemon Tower into a mere radio tower, but others readily accepted the change, perhaps to try and ease the somber feel of the already melancholy town.

Tammy was alive and well when the construction was complete. She was too young to remember much about Pokemon Tower, but she knew of its infamy. The raid on Lavender Town by Team Rocket, subsiding into the haunting of the tower by the distraught mother Marowak? That was a common tale in town. Yet other urban legends existed within Kanto from older days, especially since the tower was first erected and used as a burial grounds for deceased Pokemon.

Jostled from sleep as normal, Tammy stirred in her bed. Slowly inching the heavy covers off her, the lady's eyes adjusted to the dim lighting in the bedroom quickly. The sun's rays shined on through the gaps between the blinds, hinting at the radio personality's weather forecast. High of eighty-five. Sunny. For an early June morn, the forecast fit like a glove.

A typical wake-up routine was followed to the dot, as Tammy typically did. Pick out a shirt and skirt, walk to bathroom, brush hair, put hair up in a ponytail, polish 'third eye' gem, straighten pelt.

Tammy was not a human woman. Though a youth of twenty-four, at least in comparison to human growth, she wasn't a normal person. Just years ago, she was not more than the beloved pet and friend of a Pokemon trainer.

Tammy, a human-like Espeon, finished her routine and proceeded to get dressed. First a shirt, an aqua-green tee, followed by a dark gray skirt. Moving over to her desk, she picked up her denim jacket from her folding chair and threw it on. Tammy rarely dealt with footwear; the soles of her plantigrade feet were more than durable enough, so unless it was cold out or there was a no-shirt-no-shoes policy, she didn't bother with them. Still, in case they were needed, she did carry in her knapsack a pair of plain black sneakers.

The bicycle ride to work wasn't a great chore. It never was; Tammy was a fit, if not a bit lanky, hybrid. At least, that's what some people called what she was. By now, she'd heard a cornucopia of different phrases and words to describe her. Some
were not so nice. Despite any prejudice from humans, the woman did her best to make something of herself in the world.

Hence why she chose her job over any other offer of living funds. Sure, she could have taken on any kind of welfare that she could, or she could have tried her luck with a 'normal' human job. Instead, she wanted to put herself to the test while aiding others in need. Thus, she chose to join up with a government-funded occupation: an officer of the PIA, or Pokemorph Intelligence Agency. Off on the isle of Prism, also called 'Pokemorph Island' to some, the PIA had a much bigger influence. Even on the mainland of Kanto, though, the PIA still had an ounce of the influence it had on the settled island.

Within a fifteen-minute ride, Tammy was there at the PIA station of Saffron City. Chaining up her bike, she took a moment to relax and enjoy the pleasantly warm sunlight. If it was going to be a work day like it was the past week or two, she wanted to make the light of day last. The office was dimly lit with florescent lighting, and the windows were tinted.

The head of the Saffron City office probably had something to do with it; Madeleine “Madi” Pariah was always a fan of things that were dark. Not just dimly-lit rooms, either: just ask any who entered the Marowak woman's office during late September. By then, Halloween decorations were already being put up by the lass herself!


As Tammy stepped in, she was greeted at the front desk by an older human male, one Jason Fawkes. Dressed in conservative clothes, he extended a wave like he always did. “Good morning, miss Sasaki”. Nothing new or special there, either. Fawkes always greeted the agents, officers and all other members as they arrived.

“G'morning, Fawkes”, replied Tammy. A quick glance. Nothing of note seemed to be going on. Most of the officers of her rank were doing paperwork. This was shaping up to be another pedantic day.

“Enjoy your day off?” he asked. “You still seem groggy. Stay up late again?”

“Sadly, yes”, replied the Espeon. “Insomnia bit me in the ass once more, it seems. Maybe I had too much soda pop while sketching after dinner...”

“Little caffeine fiend”, Fawkes teased. “If only you'd drink coffee like the rest of us”.

“Hey. 'Little'? You're barely taller than I am, Fawkes. Besides, that stuff tastes like chalk...”

“No need to get literal, Sasaki. Anyway, you scoot on over to your desk now. You know your job”.

“Right. Sit on my rear and be bored. Maybe I'll hit the training room, or see if I can go off on patrol...”

“Hang on there, missy. I don't want the commissioner bitching about you sneaking off again. You'll definitely be sitting your rear down, alright – but you'll be handling service calls like the rest of your fellow officers”.

“Right. Like I'll get the chance. We aren't the main police force; you do know that, right? All we officers do is provide backup to them, unless Pokemorphs are involved. Then, we handle it”.

“No shit, Sherlock. I think I know my job after ten years. Didn't elect to come here for some wise-ass hybrid to remind me”. Fawkes' irritation was rising, and Tammy sensed it. The ability to sense emotions was the same with every other Espeon, and with most Psychic-type Pokemon.

“Alright”, said Tammy, her voice calm and her hands raised defensively. “I'm sorry. But I'm just getting burned out. I need something more...”

Fawkes' irate expressions softened. “I know, kid, I know. Nothing short of rising in rank can change that. Heck, if it wasn't for my bum knee, I'd be out hunting down those damned Rockets with my Scyther by my side and my Glock in my hand. Still, hang in there, Tammy. Something's sure to come up. It never stays quiet in the PIA for long, believe me...”

Tammy shrugged. “Believe me, I know. Guess I'm just getting impatient. You've got a point there, Fawkes. Well... again, g'morning”.

With that, Tammy padded to her desk, a short sigh leaving her lips. She reached into the inner pocket of her jeans jacket, drawing out the old cloth ofuda she'd held so much before. Her 'Spell Tag', as the charm was called, resonated that familiar but eerie aura it always did. Despite the unsettling feeling it gave most Pokemon, especially Psychic-types, the feeling was more nostalgic to Tammy than frightening.

It reminded her of a beloved friend, lost years ago to the hands of fate and the sins of man.

“Susan...”
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Last edited by Lucariotoes; December 20th, 2012 at 07:14 PM. Reason: Applying the advised revisions
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  #2    
Old December 19th, 2012, 10:55 PM
bobandbill's Avatar
bobandbill
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I think I'll start by asking what a MUSH is. I don't believe I have seen that term before...

Anyways, this is a decent setup for the story thus far. You've given a good feel for the characters that have appeared so far as well as the setting. Another thing I liked is that you have a few pieces of information hidden so far (for instance the story behind the last part of the chapter). Although the pacing of the beginning was maybe just a bit slow for my liking I don't have too many qualms with the storytelling itself.

That said, a few remarks:
Quote:
The broadcast extending from the nearby town of Lavender, all in the region could tune in and listen.
This sentence sounds a bit awkward by itself like this in how it starts and ends, and this is more apparant if you read it aloud. Try splitting it up here or rewording (e.g. 'The broadcast extended far out from Lavender across the entire region.'). There's no need to be too wordy in simply saying that everyone in the region could hear the broadcast.
Quote:
By now, she'd heard a cornucopia of different phrases and words to describe her. Some, not so nice.
Can't say I've seen cornucopia in a fic before. XD The latter sentence sounds like an afterthought here given how it is worded; almost too casual, which makes it sounds like a story just being told at a bus stop rather than one being read. This can somewhat bring the reader out of the story. Try something like 'Some were not so nice' or along those lines which doesn't have that sort of afterthought sound to it.
Quote:
I don't want the commissioner *****ing about you sneaking off again.
Side note but if you don't want the censors to block words like that with the *** you are allowed to avoid it in this section (not others though!) as long as you warn about it before the chapter/story (ie in authors notes). You can do that by say making one letter a different font or style (for example the x is in italics).
Quote:
Fawkes' irritation was rising, and Tammy sensed it. Not just in his tone of voice, or even facial expressions. No, her ability to sense the feelings of another were of a metaphysical nature.
The second sentence here also sounds like an afterthought or addition, and the 'No, her...' part also sounds like you are directly addressing the audience to explain something (or 'breaking the fourth wall') which is a bit jarring and better just kept for comedy use normally. I think it would have been better to just explain it straight off the bat than going in such a round about manner to say that she could sense his emotions due to being a Psychic type/etc. That way you can spend time instead describing more of how she felt it or what it (the irritation rising) felt like to her, which would be an interesting thing to read about and give us a better feel as a reader for what it is like too. It also helps you avoid telling the fact too much and rather 'showing' it to the audience, which is more engaging.


All in all it's a decent start. Just watch for the wording of parts of the story and try a bit more description in showing us how she uses her abilities so we have a better handle or feel for what she can do. Good luck with the rest of your fic!
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  #3    
Old December 20th, 2012, 02:00 AM
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Astinus
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Quote:
I think I'll start by asking what a MUSH is. I don't believe I have seen that term before...
I think it's an acronym for "Muti-User Shared Hallucination". At least, that's what Wikipedia tells me. It could also be oatmeal!

I agree with bobandbill about how good of a start this is. The beginning was a little slow, but it picked up towards the end of the chapter once Fawkes appeared. Interesting way of giving the reader information by having the two characters talk about it, rather than just explaining it to the reader.

One bit of "fourth wall breaking" that bnb missed:

Quote:
If you could not tell from the last two tasks mentioned, Tammy was not a human woman.
It probably would sound better if "Tammy was not a human woman" was its own sentence, to make it a little more surprising to the reader, or to draw more attention to it.

All in all, this was a good start. Looking forward to learning more about the Pokemorphs, how they came to be, and who Susan was.
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  #4    
Old December 20th, 2012, 06:59 PM
Lucariotoes's Avatar
Lucariotoes
Ah-woo.
 
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: New York
Age: 23
Gender: Male
Nature: Hasty
Hmm! Thank you for the advice, you two. I'll admit, though, when I saw that Astinus was the last poster originally, I literally said "this can either be good, or reeeeeeeeeally bad". =P

Regardless, I shall make the adjustments and edit accordingly thanks to both of your bits of advice. Chapter two shouldn't be far off, either.
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"Strong Pokémon. Weak Pokémon. That is only the selfish perception of people. Truly skilled trainers should try to win with their favorites..." -Karen of Johto's Elite Four

75% of Pokemon gamers use cheats and specially made codes to make their pokemon battle-worthy. If you are one of the 25% percent that level their Pokemon up legally, put this in your signature


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