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  #1    
Old November 22nd, 2012, 12:37 PM
chaoticlapras's Avatar
chaoticlapras
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Hi. Forgive me if I am a total n00b at writing, but this is my first fanfic and I need to practice and stuff for my upcoming exams. I will thankfully accept CONSTRUCTIVE criticsm (not 'this sucks', more like 'I do not like this because...')but I can be a little bit touchy at times so be careful. I'm going to do a little authors note at the end of each chapter and at the beginning. Also, I've seen on things in fanfiction .net (no dont go on the site, the pokemon section is terrible, so are most bits) where the author answers questions to the characters from the readers. The questions would be posted in the reviews, so if you have any questions for the characters, please put them at the bottom of your review. This is optional, but not just questions, I'd quite like something helpful too please. Anyway, this is a pokemon minecraft crossover... so enjoy.

***

Chapter 1 : Who, what, where, why, when, how.

Day 1

Today, I woke up in a strange, blocky world, where everything is a one times one meter cube. It is all pixelly, amd feels like a classic video game. I feel unsettled, because I know nothing about this world, or who I am, or what I'm doing here.

In my hand were two curious items. There was a tattered leather book, with dust covering it, so that its once bright red cover is now a reddish brown. The pages are falling out, and there is a large tear down the spine, revealing the bindings. There is a small white quill stuck to it, along with a few inc sacs that look like squid were killed for them.

Also, there was a small, red and white ball, with a circular button in the middle. The top half of this ball is red, and the bottom is white. It looks new, possibly some new kind of technology, and is not dirty at all, or in any state of disrepair.

My curiosity aroused, I dusted off the book, revealing no title, and carefully opened it, revealing the inside. I flicked through the entire book, seeing no writing of any sort on any of the pages, just an old, empty book. I was about to put it down, when I saw a small note tucked into the spine of the book.

Unfolding the note, I try to decipher the strange, scrawly handwriting. After a few minutes of pondering, I finally manage to read the note, which says, "You are in the world of Minecraft. Your name... is Steve." Feeling incredibly frustrated at the note, and just "Minecraft in general, I chucked the ball at the ground, emitting a bright red light and revealing what was inside...

Out of the strangr ball came a small furry doglike creature, coloured red and orange. It looked a little like a flame, and also a dog. It had sharp pointy teeth, and deep black eyes. It just sat in front of me whining strange noises that sounded something like "Growlithe..." I decided to give it a name, so I started thinking, then saw a nearby animal, that was seemingly a medium pink plump pig. The doglike thing leapt at a tremendous speed towards it, and bit sharply at it with its sharp pointy teeth. The pink pig thing seemingly vapourized, leaving behind two... porkchops? The doglike thing picked the pork up in its mouth and plodded slowly over towards me. It seemed to recognise me as its master. I held out my hand, and watched as it carefully dropped the pork softly in the palm. As it had torn the pig apart so easily, I decided to call it Knife, as its teeth were as sharp as one!

The sun seemed to be in the center of the sky. I decided that I'd better hurry, I wanted to be safe and asleep at nightfall. I saw a tree nearby and tenderly poked it, leaving a large crack in it. How soft were these things? I punched all of the wood from the tree and fidgeted with it. I discovered that I could turn it into planks, and two of them into sticks. I managed to make a crude table from it, making something resembling a wooden pick on that, then smashed some stone with that. I went back to my table, and arranged my eight stone, turning it into a furnace. I tried putting some wood in the furnace, which gave... charcoal? I shoved some charcoal on a stick and watched Knife heat it up, making a makeshift torch.

Knife started to look worried around dusk, when I had just made a stone sword, and I leapt into the air.Since when was it so dark?! I frantically made a small door, placed it, and made a tiny room of planks, with a torch there, and a furnace, crafting bench and a chest in the wall. Using some of my charcoal, I cooked some pork, and munched silently away throughout the night, slightly... OK, that makes it sound better ... trembling because of the freaky noises outside... I sat munching some pork that I had just cooked in my furnace through the night, slightly - no, that's an understatement - petrified because of the freaky noises outside my small shack...

***

So what do you guys reckon? No questions to non-existent characters xD, just Steve, Knife, the pig, and the freaky noises. The freaky noises are minecraft zombies, by the way. Oh, this is rated T for... teen, but is currently a K, just have some T rated plans for about chapter 16... R&R!

And what do my loyal reviewers think of Edit One? Haha.

Ooh, edit two! What do you guys think of my new paragraph on Knife?
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Last edited by chaoticlapras; December 9th, 2012 at 01:30 PM. Reason: Edit Two
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  #2    
Old November 22nd, 2012, 04:36 PM
Volcanix769's Avatar
Volcanix769
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Wait...... as I glanced through this, it made me wonder on how Pokemon and Minecraft both exist in this realm. I read that this is a crossover, so I can partially understand.........

And I want to say this, but how is there a Pokemon in the Minecraft world? You didn't explain what's happening and it's hard to tell what's going on in this story since it's too shady to even comprehend.

Quote:
Originally Posted by chaoticlapras View Post
Today, I woke up in this strange blocky world. In my hand, were two intriging items, an empty book, and a sphere shaped red and white ball.
Ok, there's a spelling error. intriging should be "intriguing". And this started off kind of uninteresting and just an empty void in my mind. Yes you described it, but its too vague.

Quote:
Originally Posted by chaoticlapras View Post
When I opened it up, i started to look at it closely, wondering what it was doing there. I saw a small note tucked into the spine, reading 'You are in Minecraft. Your name... is Steve.'
I kind of have no problem with this paragraph of the imagery, though it needs to be better. You need to show by describing on what's happening, not tell by just words. And I should be capitalized.

Quote:
Originally Posted by chaoticlapras View Post
A strange orange doglike creature sat in front of me whining "growlithe..."
Growlithe should be capitalized. No problem with everything else.


Quote:
Originally Posted by chaoticlapras View Post
The sun seemed to be in the center of the sky. Space Needed. I decided that I'd better hurry, I wanted to be safe and asleep at ightfall. I saw a tree nearby and tenderly poked it, leaving a large crack in it. How soft were these things? I punched all of the wood from the tree and fidgeted with it. I disovered that I could turn it into planks, and two of them into sticks.
You need to show, not tell on this one. Describe on how the sun's like instead of just telling that it "seems to be at the center." There are 2 spelling errors, ightfall should be "nightfall" and disovered should be "discovered."

And you need to add a period since it sounds better to me. Also, from this, you're telling what's happening again.

Quote:
Originally Posted by chaoticlapras View Post
Knife started to look worried around dusk, when I had just made a stone sword, and I leapt into the air. Space Needed. Since when was it so dark?!
Again, another punctuation problem. I know that you don't really check your work since you're in a hurry for your exams, I do that most of the time, but you should be at least proofreading before posting it to be precise of your final draft. And there's a few unnecessary commas.

The imagery is fine, but it should have been more avid to understand our perception of how Steve managed to jump or how it's starting to get dark. It should be like:

Spoiler:
I began to notice of how Knife was feeling a bit uneasy of how the sky began to darken with a dark shade of black as dusk began to make its presence. I just perfected a sharp, precise sword. I seriously glanced towards my right arm. It lets out bright, glimmering shine, It seems to recognize me as its master. I effortlessly leaped into the air.


Quote:
Originally Posted by chaoticlapras View Post
I frantically made a small Space Needed. door, placed it, and made a tiny room of planks, with a torch there, and a furnace, crafting bench and a chest in the wall. Using some of my charcoal, I cooked some pork, and munched silently away throughout the night, slightly... OK, that underdoes it... tremblingly petrified by the freaky noises outside...
I have a few problems with this. Again, another space error. There's another set of misused commas. Again. Show, not tell. And at the end, I don't know if he's talking or thinking in his mind. If he's talking, please add quotation marks.

Overall, it's pretty decent. I can understand that you did rush in order to finish your things, but you should have proofread before typing this and submitting this. It's OK, but try not to leave that much errors.

Also, when I mean by "Show, not Tell", I mean by describing what's happening in vivid words that can flow instead of just adjectives with short bursts. I learned that from a lot of people, so I can understand how you tried making this good by just doing that. Plus, Steve just seems kind of bland in my taste.

I'm done.
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  #3    
Old November 23rd, 2012, 09:23 AM
psyanic's Avatar
psyanic
There's Something About Lamps
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Volcanix769 View Post
I know that you don't really check your work since you're in a hurry for your exams, I do that most of the time, but you should be at least proofreading before posting it to be precise of your final draft.
I second this. Readers want to read your best work, not your draft. If you don't have the time to proofread, then do it later. Do not rush yourself. You don't have deadlines, and the Internet isn't going anywhere.

Anyway, there are some more things Volcanix didn't pick up:

Quote:
Originally Posted by chaoticlapras View Post
In my hand, were two intriging items, an empty book, and a sphere shaped red and white ball.
There shouldn't be a comma after 'hand.' Also, the 'a sphere shaped red and white ball' is redundant, because a sphere is a ball. It would be best to take out 'sphere shaped.'

Quote:
Originally Posted by chaoticlapras View Post
That book, is this book.
No comma again. It sort of makes the reader pause once it's read.

Quote:
Originally Posted by chaoticlapras View Post
I saw a small note tucked into the spine, reading 'You are in Minecraft. Your name... is Steve.'
Comma after 'reading' because the 'dialogue' follows it. And the ellipse (...) before 'is Steve' is a bit weird, because it's a note, and it's hard to imagine someone would write with an ellipse.

Quote:
Originally Posted by chaoticlapras View Post
In frustration at the cryptic note, I threw the ball to the ground, releasing something from inside.
This jumps a lot. I didn't get the impression that Steve was frustrated form what you've written, so you should be describing that more rather than just outright saying it. This statement felt slightly arbitrary. This is a first person narrative, so everything Steve feels and senses should be described. Anything that's of importance anyway.

Quote:
Originally Posted by chaoticlapras View Post
I decided to give it a name, so I started thinking, then saw a nearby pig.
Instead of being intimidated by a weird dog you've never seen before, you decide to name it? I mean, that's a bit fast, don't you think? Steve doesn't even interact with the Growlithe and he decides to name it.

Quote:
Originally Posted by chaoticlapras View Post
The doglike thing leapt at it, and bit it until it seemingly vapourised.
Just 'vaporized.' Also, this was an underwhelming description for something that seems to be larger than it is. The Pokemon gets a name and sort of fights a pig. That's certainly something that deserves more than a single sentence for description.

Quote:
Originally Posted by chaoticlapras View Post
The sun seemed to be in the center of the sky. I decided that I'd better hurry, I wanted to be safe and asleep at ightfall.
Sun in the center = noon. Nightfall would come in six hours or later, so why would you need to rush? I understand that building a house would be more of a big deal, but Steve seems to be in a house already. (This isn't explicitly stated, so it's slightly muddy.) He does make a room, but I'm not sure if that's a shack of just a room for the house. And how does the narrator know that the night is full of terrors? People camp around a campfire in the dead of the night with only tents as safety. What makes this world different and how does Steve knows that?

Quote:
Originally Posted by chaoticlapras View Post
I disovered that I could turn it into planks, and two of them into sticks. I managed to make a crude table from it, making something resembling a wooden pick on that, then smashed some stone with that. I went back to my table, and arranged my eight stone, turning it into a furnace. I tried putting some wood in the furnace, which gave... charcoal? I shoved some charcoal on a stick and watched Knife heat it up, making a makeshift torch.
How Steve knows how to do all this I don't know, and how Knife knows that it's supposed to light the torch is apparently inherent in all Growlithe.

Quote:
Originally Posted by chaoticlapras View Post
I frantically made a smalldoor, placed it, and made a tiny room of planks, with a torch there, and a furnace, crafting bench and a chest in the wall.
You want to reword this. It sounds clunky.

Quote:
Originally Posted by chaoticlapras View Post
OK, that underdoes it...
Underdoes isn't a word. Try something else.

Quote:
Originally Posted by chaoticlapras View Post
tremblingly petrified by the freaky noises outside...
I feel like just saying 'trembling' instead of 'tremblingly petrified' sounds better, since it conveys both an action and a feeling.

Generally, I found that a lot of things just sort of happen and there aren't many words that describe what's going on or how Steve thinks about all of this. It reads as a bit clunky and disjointed at times, so I'd suggest trying to give more of Steve's input into all of this. He doesn't really even have an opinion, so you should also try to write in more of his thoughts. There certainly is a lot of room to improve, so I hope you make progress as you continue to write.
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Old November 23rd, 2012, 12:30 PM
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chaoticlapras
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OK, Volcanix and Psyanic. First, hi, and thanks for the reviews. The spelling errors etc. are going to be fixed shortly after posting this reply to your review. The improvements were certainly helpful, and I thank you for your time writing them. Psyanic, when you say
Quote:
Quote:
Originally Posted by chaoticlapras
OK, that underdoes it...

Underdoes isn't a word. Try something else.
...what word do you suggest?

Volcanix, in
Quote:
It lets out bright, glimmering shine, It seems to recognize me as its master. I effortlessly leaped into the air.
this, I think you kind-of missed the point of him jumping into the air. He was jumping because he was surprised at the level of darkness. I am sorry if I did not make this clear... Also, in minecraft, a stone sword isn't actually that good, but I will describe it...

Quote:
And this started off kind of uninteresting and just an empty void in my mind. Yes you described it, but its too vague.
Yeah, this is what I thought when I read it through... I think that I will describe it in my next edit.

Quote:
And at the end, I don't know if he's talking or thinking in his mind. If he's talking, please add quotation marks.
He was thinking in this one, but I think I will italicize... Thanks for pointing it out.

Quote:
Plus, Steve just seems kind of bland in my taste.
Yes, I was thinking along the same lines *goes and writes Steve an actual personality* I think he just seems to act on instinct.

Quote:
This jumps a lot. I didn't get the impression that Steve was frustrated form what you've written, so you should be describing that more rather than just outright saying it. This statement felt slightly arbitrary. This is a first person narrative, so everything Steve feels and senses should be described. Anything that's of importance anyway.
Yes. Weeeel, he was frustrated because the note was very cryptic, maybe I should write more on his frustration...

Quote:
Instead of being intimidated by a weird dog you've never seen before, you decide to name it? I mean, that's a bit fast, don't you think? Steve doesn't even interact with the Growlithe and he decides to name it.
lol, more on Steve's rubbish personality. I'll write some more in.

Quote:
Sun in the center = noon. Nightfall would come in six hours or later, so why would you need to rush? I understand that building a house would be more of a big deal, but Steve seems to be in a house already. (This isn't explicitly stated, so it's slightly muddy.) He does make a room, but I'm not sure if that's a shack of just a room for the house. And how does the narrator know that the night is full of terrors? People camp around a campfire in the dead of the night with only tents as safety. What makes this world different and how does Steve knows that?
Nope, just a shack... Not in a house, where'd you get that from? And yeah, I think I might change that to something like Steve being afraid of the dark. And it went quickly, and it IS a house... not just like planting a flower.

Quote:
How Steve knows how to do all this I don't know, and how Knife knows that it's supposed to light the torch is apparently inherent in all Growlithe.
Steve does seem to be acting more on impusle throughout this story, *makes mental note to improve Steve*. And Growlithe was cold I guess or something, Growlithe do breathe fire though.. NEEDS MORE DESCRIPTION!!!

Quote:
You want to reword this. It sounds clunky.
the entire story? Or just this section. It all sounds clunky...


Anyways, thanks for the reviews guys. Hope to see you reviewing again soon (if you can bear to read my horrible, ghastly story)!! Bye! Any questions to the characters would also be appreciated everyone!
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  #5    
Old November 23rd, 2012, 02:05 PM
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psyanic
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Quote:
Originally Posted by chaoticlapras View Post
...what word do you suggest?
Maybe an interjectory phrase like "no wait, that's an understatement" would work. If you just want to change the word, then it would be like "OK, that's an understatement..." Also, I think either commas or dashes around the phrase would read a bit better. Ellipses give the impression that the narrator is trailing off, but the words themselves interject in the middle of the sentence, so it would be:
Quote:
Originally Posted by correction with dashes
Using some of my charcoal, I cooked some pork, and munched silently away throughout the night, slightly - OK, that's an understatement - trembling because of the freaky noises outside...
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Old November 24th, 2012, 07:53 AM
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chaoticlapras
Ziggy Stardust
 
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OK, thanks Psyanic. Hmmm, I tend to overuse ellipsis and commas. How about
Quote:
I sat munching some pork that I had just cooked in my furnace through the night, slightly - no, that's an understatement - petrified because of the freaky noises outside my small shack...
What do you reckon?
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  #7    
Old November 24th, 2012, 09:21 AM
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Volcanix769
Known as the Quilava Guy!
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by chaoticlapras View Post
OK, thanks Psyanic. Hmmm, I tend to overuse ellipsis and commas. How about What do you reckon?
He's giving you an example on what it should be and how you tend to put on what Steve thinks. For what you did, you sort of didn't to be honest. He made it simple enough for you to understand. And it's ellipses, like the excessive use of: ......... in every sentence you write. Sometimes I do ellipses in order to make the character have an emotion, and sometimes I have a tendency to use commas every time, which I sometimes don't check over.
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Old November 26th, 2012, 12:57 PM
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chaoticlapras
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Hey guys, Edit One is done. I edit each paragraph one at a time, calling each one edit one, edit two etc. I turned what was my opening paragraph into half of my chapter, hopefully they'll be more edits soon! Just spent all my free time today on this (and half of English, instead of practice test, ok, after i'd finished) today, so it'd better be good. I tried to take on board all the advice you guys gave me. So thanks.

C.L.
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  #9    
Old December 9th, 2012, 01:32 PM
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chaoticlapras
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And say hello to edit two. New edit = new update, so I guess doubleposting for this is allowed? Anyway, I think this edit is a little bit short, and not as good as edit one... R&R
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