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[Pokémon] On A Pokemon Journey

2
Posts
9
Years
This is a Fan-Made Story i Began, so i want everyone to read it and give some Critics to it xD if you like it i will Continue Posting the Next Chapters to it (Still in Progress xD) So umm here xD


Chapter 1
Afraid of the outside world?

And there I was, another day at Goldenrod City, the biggest city in johto; doing the same old routine, waking up to the sound of that Rhydon alarm, walking to work as I saw some pidgey's flying in the air listening to some music, the same tracks playing while I went to the Department Store, it wasn't the big deal to be honest, I just knew about the Pokeball we sell, some of the TM's and some other items we provided to trainers, I liked assisting them when they came visiting, looking all kind of Pokemon's, learning from some of their weakness when some trainers talked about them, paying close attention to the tips some had to offer, well its funny cause I always wanted to go on an adventure with Pokémon but my parents didn't let me since they said it was too dangerous, besides the fact I never had a Pokémon since "it wasn't safe" as they used to say; even when I always wanted one more than any other thing and all I could do was just watch other kids grew with Pokémon and had so much fun, like if they had someone who they could trust, but my parents had other stuff in mind, a stable job and a non-dangerous life.

Anyway while I grew up I met this girl called "Whitney" as a kid, she was younger than me by around 3 years and as time passed by I got to know her better and form a solid friendship over the years to the point she gained the title of my best-friend and the person I trust the most till now, she is cute and always joyful but she is still quite childish and a little bit of day-dreamer for her age, I still can't believe she is only 18 years old and she is already the gym leader of Goldenrod, I am 21 years old and never had a Pokémon of myself, not that ever tried anyway, after how my parents raised me they didn't left me with the guts on taking a Pokémon as a companion since I knew they wouldn't approve it and they would never talk to me anymore, lately I have really been thinking on doing something since I already live on my own and I think I'm capable on taking my own decisions by myself, continuing with the story the part of the day I loved the most was visiting Whitney, being by her side like every afternoon, spending time with her Pokémon and playing with them, sometimes going to the beach and enjoy the sunset as we watched some magikarp's and goldeen's in the water jumping out of it, it was relaxing in a way and I knew exactly each one of the pokemon's she owned excluding the ones in her Pc Box, they were Milktank, Golduck, Persian, Donphan, Mr. mime and Tauros, as always she only had Pokémon that she thought they looked cute, I felt happy for her and with her, she always made my day and she knew how much I loved to begin my journey as a Pokémon trainer but I never had the courage to do so.

But one day the topic came out somehow while taking an ice cream near the dock when suddenly she stood in front of me and said in a really cheered up tone -Hey I have this crazy crazy idea! Want to hear it?- As usual I rolled my eyes as I sigh since her ideas wasn't the brightest of all and answered with sarcasm -Is it about who eats the ice cream faster and gets the brain freeze?- She smiled and laughed cutely -No silly, what made you think that?- I smiled –I don't know, is it 'cause I know you?- I laughed lightly and she poked my forehead -Well you don't know me that well Hoffy- I only smiled to her since she is the only person who calls me hoffy and listened to what she had to say -I been thinking and... Well, you always wanted to go on a Pokémon adventure, so why not giving it a try- she finished those words with a bright smile on her face and a confident tone, I went from curious to confused, like if someone used a Confuse Ray on me and I hit myself in the confusion kind of confused, as my brain tried to come up with some answer for her my mouth could only say on a loud tone -WHAT!?- I still could not believe she said that, being 21 years old, with a stable job, payment, and other expenses to the point on going to a whole adventure? She giggled and grabbed my hand -Hoffy, you have been too much on this town and you only assist other trainers, why not going on your own adventure even if you are 21… follow your lifetime dream you know?- she looked me in to the eyes and I turned my head to the left blushed a little as I felt how the wind was getting colder -H-hey it will look weird a 21 years old guy going on a silly childish Pokémon adventure since only kids go on one...- I knew I was lying, deep inside me I really wanted to go, I just didn't had the guts – And Besides I have never went outside the city, I don't know the outside world, what if a Pokémon kills me? I don't have any Pokémon to defend myself and I'm dead for sure if a strong Pokémon appears...- I said with a disappointed tone as I looked at the floor letting her hand go, after a long sigh I close my eyes for a minute and by the time I opened them she had a Pokeball on her hands as her arms were fully extended to me, I stared at the ball for a second as she was smiling as bright as always and said with a sweet voice–You can take my Wigglytuff with you, I'm sure you can take care of it really well- I continued to stared at the Pokeball, I couldn't accept the offer and I had no words to it, it wasn't my Pokémon in the first place, I declined with my head as I took one step back, the wind was getting stronger and the sun was starting to fall as I could hear some pidgey's flying to their nest–I can't Whitney… it's not mine… and I never saw you with a Wigglytuff before- She giggled, took one step forward as she took my hand, placing the Pokeball the left one –Silly, I have more Pokémon than the ones you knew all the time, but I don't take everyone with me all the time te-he, then the belt can get heavy and it can be a pain sometimes- She poked my forehead one more time and a tear started to drop from my right cheek as I was looking the Pokeball –Whitney… but… I can't leave you alone… I been there all the time for you… what kind of friend I would be if I leave you now? - She closed her hands on my hand that was holding the Pokémon as the wind was waving her hair smoothly and said on a gentle voice as a tear dropped from her cheek –The kind of friend who listens to a best-friend request since that best-friend wants you to be happy too- More tears started to drop out of my cheeks and tried to dry them without success –Whitney… are you sure… you can survive with our me?- She hugged me tightly and I hugged her back as hard as I could and she said to me with her voice about to break from crying –Hoffy… I love Pokémon, they are great… and I want you… to have that same experience with them too… your own Pokémon, your own partners… you can return me my Wigglytuff once you come back from that adventur-e…- I could barely hear her voice, I knew she felt sad with my departure –Whitney… I won't go if that makes you cry, but tell you what, I'll be here and ill challenge you in to a battle, you'll see- I felt how my shirt was getting wet from the shoulder from her tears, and I felt how she was containing from crying even more, I felt like if I was going to leave forever, suddenly it was dark and the light post started to turn on as she step back a little and took out something–Here hoffy… open it once you are in your house preparing your stuff…- I grabbed the gift and nodded with my head as I put it on my back pocket –Whitney… I'll call you with the cellphone… ok? ... I still will want to catch up with you even if I'm not here by your side… I will always be here- I pointed at her heart with my index finger on my right hand –Always there… and you don't know how much grateful I am with this… ill make sure I will return Wigglytuff to you as soon as I can- I tried to smile but some tears still dropped out of my eyes, she got near me and kissed softly my cheek –I won't lose to anyone until you come back and challenge me- she finished with a faint voice as she started to walk back and mumbling something that I couldn't really hear.

As I heard her steps banishing little by little I wiped the tears and stared at the sea for a minute looking at the waves and the head of some Tentacool coming out and thinking to myself what the hell was I going to do, I stared at the Pokeball next with the Wigglytuff and started to walk toward my house, looking at the buildings all light up and the people In it, slowly trying to bury the image in my brain, once I got to my house I open the door and leave my stuff on the couch and walked toward the kitchen as I turned on a cigarette, took out the item Whitney gave me and opened it, it appears to be a map of the whole johto region; took a hit on the cigarette and then the I felt the Pokeball moved a little, I took it and looked at it – Sorry I forgot about you for a second there haha- As I released the Pokémon I turned off the ciggy and I saw the Wigglytuff stretching a little, I smiled at it as the Pokémon smiled gently –Well I'm Hoffman, Whitney's best friend – The Pokémon started to jump a little looking happy and hugged me – I suppose Whitney already told you about you traveling with me haha, well I never been a Pokémon trainer before and I hope we can get along well – The Pokémon nodded and I pet it's head –Well lets star packing up- As I walked to my room I graved my bag pack and started to put some clothes, a tent, some Pokeball that I kept for collection since I really never thought I was going to use them, a couple potions and some other basic stuff since I know I need to be prepared for anything, I looked around for my lifetime saving and wiggly helped me with some other basic stuff such as more clothes and maybe messing my room a little since It didn't knew were my stuff was actually, I was feeling sort of exited and a little bit of nervous, what could I possibly do or encounter? Would I take too long? Man johto was so big that I really didn't considered I would travel around it, but that was now priority, what route to take first 34 or 35? What Pokémon I could make my companion, my heart was beating quite fast to be frank with you, when I finished packing everything up I prepared my bed and told wiggly it's time to go to sleep – By the way, you don't mind If I call you wiggly do you?- I said with an insecure tone, the Pokémon waved happily in signal of linking its new nickname and got in the bed –Well I guess you don't want to be back in your Pokeball after being out heh, so let's rest Wiggly, tomorrow it's going to be a big day- I said as I turned off the lights –Good night- I said to giggly as I heard its cry and went to sleep.



The moment I open my eyes as I listen to my alarm I slowly sit down and shake my head with the tiredness feeling all over my body as I heard the pidgey's cry thinking that maybe what happened yesterday was all just a dream –Man what a crazy dream haha, I almost thought I was really going on a Pokémon adventure hahaha – I laughed loudly when Wiggly jumps in to the bed with its cry, I stare at it for a split of second as my brain tries to stablish a connection with the image and my eyes go wide open – W-wiggly!? – The Pokémon smiles as I yelled its name and pulled my arm – W-what's wrong? – The Pokémon jumps off the bed and I start to follow it lending me to my kitchen and looking at a bowl of cereal prepared –Oh… thanks heh thank you very much, but we need to eat both, I have some food for you that I had when Whitney visited me and her pokemon ate here heh- I prepare a bowl to Wiggly and sat down, made a small bow at Wiggly and we started eating our breakfast –Do you want to hear something funny?- The pokemon tilted it's head a little in sign of curiosity – I thought all of this was just a crazy dream I had since you weren't in the room haha – Wiggly looked like it laughed and kept eating it's food, once we both finished I took the plates and washed them, I took a steam shower and got on some comfy clothes as well as some traveling boots, as I got my bag pack and open the door I take a last glance at my apartment and light up a cigarette – Well… I think this is a temporary farewell, isn't it wiggly? – The pokemon nods and I close the door as I take a hit on the ciggy and start walking towards the North –Hmm…. I think we will take Route 35 Wiggly, I don't know how but im feeling lucky today heh – As I walks down the road to Route 35 I turn off my Ciggy and put it in a container I made so I won't lit the place, I felt a hole in my stomach the more we walked to the entrance and I could see the road, I took the map out one more time and I can see a small note that in the dark I didn't noticed last night, I took it and read "Head To Bark Town", I smiled and looked to de sky – Heh, even now she is giving me hints haha Alrigth Wiggly, to bark town it is – I continued walking towards the building that connected Goldenrod City to Route 35, before entering I took a deep breath and entered as Wiggly kept walking by my side.

Once inside I notice a couple of people chilling inside and as well as a Machoke with its trainer, I walked nervously and kept going straight when suddenly the trainer looks at me and starts walking towards me and say –Yo! Are you a pokemon Trainer? - I got cold for a second and I nod slowly when the trainer continues – The name is Richard and you? – Still without looking at the trainer eyes said – Hoffman, Ralph Hoffman – I stretched my arm and he shake mine – Cool, if you plan on becoming a trainer you need to be more confident on yourself man, loose yourself a bit and just let the battle flows with you- As we let our hands go he just smiles and starts walking towards Goldenrod City – Thanks man, that makes me feel sort of better heh I say as I saw him go outside the building, I keep walking getting outside the building and wiggly by my side and look around looking just at a lake and a road plain with some trainers in it battling in it, I really didn't felt prepared to fight and it didn't look like I could get a pokemon there so I continued walking the road all the way north, it was around 10 Am and everyone looked fresh, I thought I would go without a fight but then this girl gets near me and in the most polite way ask me for a pokemon battle, I accepted since she was so polite –Just to let you know this will be my first pokemon battle- when I finished those words she answered exited –Well my name is Kim by the way, it's a 1 on 1 pokemon battle since it looks she is you only pokemon – She took a Pokeball an threw it in the air –Go Bella! – A Vulpix came out of the Pokeball and Wiggly walked in front of me –Okay… According to Whitney's Notes… ok… I think I can do this… Ok –Took a deep Breath and as soon as I did that Kim Yells – Bella Rush Forward to a close distance and use Ember! – The Vulpix Start Rushing towards Wiggly and suddenly its spits a small flame towards Wiggly – Wiggly, Dodge the flame! – Wiggly quickly dodges the attack and stands still when Kim Yells –Bella Quick Attack! – The Vulpix Quickly starts rushing towards Wiggly so fast that I could almost not see it and landed a hit on Wiggly –No ! Wiggly! – The Wigglytuff Laying on the floor stands up quickly waiting for its orders as I hear Kim say –Wow it really looks like it's your first time, Bella Ember! – I see how the Vulpix preparing to spit another fireball towards Wiggly – Wiggly Run towards her pokemon and wait for the ball to be launched- Wiggly starts rushing at the vulpix and once the fireball is spited I yell –Now Wiggly Jump it!- The pokemon barely jumps the Fireball as I say while she is in the air – Use Thunder Punch! –The Pokemon hand starts to sparkle a little as the punch lands in the vulpix head as I hear Kim saying – Bella hang in there! – the vulpix is pushed back with the hit but manage to stand in it's feet –Now rish in with a quick attack! – I see again the pokemon rushing towards Wiggly – Wiggly wait for Bella to get near you! – I see how Wiggly stands her feet to the ground tightly and as soon as I can take a glance at the vulpix being at a distance were it cannot dodge I yell to wiggly –Now Wiggly Use Double Edge! – Wiggly Rushed Forward Vulpix leaving a Golden Trail behind it and when the both pokemon collide Vulpix is sent in to the air unconscious as I hear Kim – Bella, come on stand up! Can you hear me? Bella!... –She takes out her Pokeball and retrieve the pokemon in to its respective Pokeball as I hear her sigh walking towards me and stretching her arm, I shake her arm –It… damn that was intense- She smiles and answear – You are good, maybe beginers luck, but you beat me hehe – I can hear Wiggly Running towards me really happy and I get in one knee to hug it as the pokemon hugs back hearing its cry happily – Heh, we did it right? Haha you did very good Wiggly, want to rest in your Pokeball? –The wigglytuff Negated with its head and jumped around me as kim continued – It looks happy, it got a liking to you to what it looks like haha, hope we can cross paths again umm… - I laughed lightly –Hoffman- She laughed cutely and smiles- Yes, Hoffman, well ill be heading to Goldenrod, see ya – She walked behind me, I saw her from my shoulder a little and smiled as I petted Wiggly's head –Come on, we still have a long road up ahead – I said as I started walking towards the building meaning the end of route 35.
 
1,863
Posts
12
Years
Hey. I'd like to review your story, but it's hard for me to read as it is. I suggest breaking your paragraphs into smaller bits (especially number three and number six; they're basically walls of text), and creating a new paragraph for different speakers.
 
2
Posts
9
Years
Sure, im working on that actually so than its more enjoyable, ill edit it and ill let you know when its edited. And thanks for getting interest in my story xD
 
37,467
Posts
16
Years
  • Age 34
  • Seen Apr 2, 2024
Oh god. I tried reading it but I gave up after two paragraphs. You need to learn to use punctuation! Now it feels like the narrator is babbling without ever stopping to breathe. I don't really understand why you are using commas and semicolons so much.

This is what I mean:

And there I was, another day at Goldenrod City, the biggest city in johto; doing the same old routine, waking up to the sound of that Rhydon alarm, walking to work as I saw some pidgey's flying in the air listening to some music, the same tracks playing while I went to the Department Store, it wasn't the big deal to be honest, I just knew about the Pokeball we sell, some of the TM's and some other items we provided to trainers, I liked assisting them when they came visiting, looking all kind of Pokemon's, learning from some of their weakness when some trainers talked about them, paying close attention to the tips some had to offer, well its funny cause I always wanted to go on an adventure with Pokémon but my parents didn't let me since they said it was too dangerous, besides the fact I never had a Pokémon since "it wasn't safe" as they used to say; even when I always wanted one more than any other thing and all I could do was just watch other kids grew with Pokémon and had so much fun, like if they had someone who they could trust, but my parents had other stuff in mind, a stable job and a non-dangerous life.

This is what it could look more like:

And there I was - on another day in Goldenrod City, the biggest city in johto - doing the same old routine: waking up to the sound of that Rhydon alarm, walking to work as I saw some Pidgeys flying in the air. I was listening to some music, the same tracks playing while I went to the Department Store. It wasn't the big deal to be honest. I just knew about the Pokeball we sell, some of the TM's and some other items we provided to trainers. I liked assisting them when they came visiting, looking all kind of Pokemon's, learning from some of their weakness when some trainers talked about them and paying close attention to the tips some had to offer. Well, its funny 'cause I always wanted to go on an adventure with Pokémon but my parents didn't let me since they said it was too dangerous. There was also the fact I never had a Pokémon since "it wasn't safe" as they used to say. Even when I always wanted one more than any other thing and all I could do was just watch other kids grew with Pokémon and had so much fun - like if they had someone who they could trust - my parents had other stuff in mind. A stable job and a non-dangerous life.​

There's also a bunch of other things more or less wrong with the flow of the text. Some things don't make much sense. For example, you don't exactly explain that the narrator works at the Department Store - he just goes there and sees some Pidgeys. Or maybe he doesn't work there, but rather just hangs around?
 
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