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Old September 26th, 2007, 12:52 AM
Ria's Avatar
Ria
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Join Date: May 2006
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Erm... *peeks in* Hi! Anyone remembers me? No? Good! :D

Well, the last fic I had been writing here waaaaaay back when fell prey to my lack of time and I lost the file and felt really, REALLY bad about that so I didn't dare show my face here until I had something with which to make it up to all those people I'm sure exist only inside my head and who like to read the stuff I write. xD

Anywho, I bugged people all over the WWW with this long introduction thing, so you ain't escaping it neither...I mean either. o.O' Erm... *inhales*

Er-herm, to anyone who might be reading this for whatever reason - casual browser, most respected reader, warmly welcomed, potential reviewer - I shall bore you with my thoughts for a bit now. If you are not interested, scroll a bit down to the big letters where my fic starts, if you are interested...read on, but I'm warning you - you are in for a mini-manifesto of sorts, if I may be so presumptuous to call it such.

OT fics! We love them, or we hate them, but the fact of the matter is - whoever has written a page of pokemon fanfiction, nay - whoever has played pokemon games or seen the pokemon show for at least five minutes - has one of these. Whether they are safely hidden in the deepest confines of our imagination (or hard drive), or we flaunt them proudly in Fan Fiction forums like a shining badge on our puffed-up chest or, if you please, a stunning banner in our signatures - we all have one. Our story, our pokemon world biography, the destiny we would love to live through our characters which are, in fact, ourselves.

Resentment which some hold for this genre, even I share, to a certain extent. How many times can we read the same thing with different names over and over? Like poets from the era of Neo-Classicism, a huge number of OT writers seemed to have adopted a standard form of writing in which they freely copy and repeat the once-successful motifs and figures of authors, once admired, but now detested.

I do not presume to teach anyone how to write, especially since there are many pokemon Fan Fiction writers in whose presence I barely dare to quietly exist, who hold my deepest, graves respect, but who will, more than likely, only hear about it when I have developed a grain of skill which they posses in unmeasurable quantities and thus mustered enough confidence to tell them in the face (or, in the post) how much I admire their work.

Still, I have read OT fics for a long time and I think I can tell apart those which are worth everything from those which aren't worth anything. So, I say - what you are about to read probably hovers somewhere around the negative center of the two extremes. It will not be the greatest OT fic ever written, I can't even guarantee it will be epic, but I can tell you that what you will read, should you choose to, is the absolute best I can give you at the moment and I am hoping it will grow better in time.

With a final remark that the title of the fic pretty much reflects my current feelings, I give you:

I can't believe I'm doing this...



A humble Prologue

I can't believe I'm doing this!

I could feel my heart beating wildly inside my chest, as if it had suddenly grown wings and become a Pidgey who was now trying to break out and fly free, as I pressed myself against the wall, knowing that the one thing that could cause my entire world to come crashing down was slowly walking closer and would appear from around the corner any second.

"Okay, Mohini," I thought to myself while my hands abandoned all discipline and engaged each other in a tremulous wrestling match, "This is honestly, seriously no big deal. Just walk out in front of him and casually emphasize your most striking feature. Easy."

I blinked in horrified realisation - not easy! I don't have any bloody, striking features!

"Calm down!" hissed the little voice in my head which was, basically, a more calm, mature and confident version of myself,"You have plenty, just pick one. Your hair! That's right, you have gorgeous hair! Step out, smile sunnily and run your hand through your hair nonchalantly. Even you can't mess up that one."

I allowed myself a moment to contemplate the possibility. It sounded feasible, even for me. Okay, it was a go. I stepped around the corner of the Pokemon Lab from where I had been preparing my ambush and bravely took a couple of steps towards the strapping young man in a white overcoat which he wore over his favourite outfit – a simple, blue jumper and a pair of faded jeans. He's so casually cool…

"Focus, damn you!" the little voice snapped at me furiously, "The hair thing! Do the hair thing while he's still looking!"

I flinched out of my admiration and launched my plan into motion immediately. My hand flew into my supple, lavender hair, the very feeling of its velvety softness infusing me with a dose of much-needed confidence…until my fingers became tangled in the seemingly pliant mass to the point where I couldn't even pull my hand out.

I literally froze in utter horror. I didn't want Gary Oak – the Gary Oak who had been the most feared Gym leader for years before he came to Pallet to continue his grandfather's work – to remember me as a crazy girl who jumped out in front of him, trying to yank off half of her scalp.

Of course, he reached me before I had time to escape and, to my utter humiliation, he looked like he was having trouble keeping a straight face. I also noticed that he had grown his hair and wore it bound in an adorable pony tail and that his eyes, unlike on most posters I had dutifully collected for years, were brown and not green. That is so going straight into my blog tonight.

"You are standing right in front of the best pokemon trainer, slash professor of all times with your hand stuck in your hair and all you're thinking about is your idiotic fangirl blog?"

Oh, bugger! I yanked my trapped hand as discretely as possible, which was hard enough on its own without him grinning at me charmingly like that.

"Are you okay?" he asked, his eyes traveling unmistakably towards the large, mauve, hairy protuberance on the top of my head inside which my hand now resided, "You need some help with your…er…hand?"

"Oh, no, no, thank you." I managed to press out while my face bloomed redder with every word, "I-uh…like to hold it this way. Y-yeah. It's-um…relaxing! You know Tai-Chi? Well, this is the same thing, only for hair. Er. Balances out your roots instead of your Chakra…heh."

"Shut up. Seriously."

I kept babbling. I couldn't help it. My mouth was like one of those science fiction mechanisms which are placed into motion in case there is an all-consuming Armageddon and can not be overridden even by the President's master key.
"I-er mean, everyone is going on and on and on about spiritual health and no one gives a hoot about hair nowadays."

"Shut up. Shut up now. Close your mouth."

"If you ask me, good hair is good health, you know. I mean, you can't have spiritual harmony if your hair is all over the place, can you? And hair is much easier to get in balance than your soul, so it's natural that you ought to do that first, right?"

"Zip it. Stop producing words."

"All it takes is a bit of hair conditioner and, as you can see, some contact. Hair has to feel loved too, you know. Heehe…"

"Phenomenal."

O-kay. The up side was that I was no longer talking. The down side? The most gorgeous and famous trainer in all known regions was now staring at me, apparently utterly speechless, though probably much better educated when it came to hair care. I decided it was high time I did the only thing humanly possible.

"Well…see you around!" I pressed out and rushed past him, catching him on the side with the elbow of my trapped arm.

"Just bloody brilliant."

I got home with the full intention of slamming myself shut inside my room where I would wallow in teenage angst while listening to sappy ballads, but my mother, who possessed an uncanny ability to pop up at the most inconvenient moment possible, naturally popped up right now.

"Mohini! What have you done to your hair?" she asked, scanning my predicament with hawk-like eyes which, along with her hawk-like nose, gave her a very hawk-like appearance altogether. It quite suited her. When I see her with this look, I always imagine how she goes to sleep every night and dreams about soaring over endless grasslands while scanning the ground below for scurrying prey.

Normally, she would pester me about what has happened and I would refuse to tell her, then she would pester me some more, then we would have a huge fight and not speak to each other for several days at which point I would convince myself that the whole thing was entirely my fault and barge into her room, crying my eyes out where I would tell her about everything she had wanted to know and we would make up. Today, I was really not in the mood for that, so I decided to take the easy way out.

"Are you insane? Don't tell her! Don't tell anyone! This fiasco should remain dead and buried so that even you wonder whether you've just dreamed it!"

"I waited in ambush for Gary Oak to come to the Lab." I said and added before she had time to cut in, "Yes, the Gary Oak. I really, really like him, you see, so I waited for him and tried to get his attention by running my hand through my hair but it got stuck. Then I started babbling, said a lot of stupid things which mostly concerned hair care, hit him in the ribs with my elbow and left."

It was a treat – seeing my mother speechless for once. She now looked like a speechless hawk and the sight cheered me up a bit.

"He's ten years older than you." were her first words when she regained her power of speech.

"Oh, he is not!" I snapped back, mentally counting from fourteen to twenty four after which I reddened a bit. I can't believe I have written the words 'Mrs. Mohini Oak' five hundred times and I hadn't even bothered to compare our age.

"Er- well, okay, so he's ten years older." I admitted stubbornly, "But it's not that big of a difference…er. It might seem like it now, but when I'm, like, twenty and he's thirty no one will care, so there."

My mum just rolled her eyes with that horrible expression parents make when they think that their children are going through some cute phase they will grow out of in a little while.
"Of course, dear." she said patronizingly as she gently untangled my hand from my hair, "Now let's get down to the news of the day!"

She said this with such an expectant look that I did a double take at her. The news of the day? I wrecked my brains over what she might mean, but always came up with the same thing.

"I got nothing. Zero. Nill. Nowt. Not a whit. Zilch."

There had to be something, my mother only made that face on very special occasions. And by 'special' I mean such about which she could brag to her Sunday Bridge Club.

"Read my figurative lips – nothing. And guess what – more nothing. The Return of Nothing, Nothing Rides Again, The Son of Nothing, Nothing vs. Rocky Balboa."

"What are you talking about?" I asked finally, but, undeterred, she just nudged me with her elbow cheekily. Note to self: never be cheeky when I become a mother. Seriously.

"Oh, don't play coy with me, missy!" she giggled, "Your pokemon! Let's see it! That's why you went to the lab today…right?"

When she took in my blank expression, her eyes narrowed at me and her face somehow took on the appearance of a looming thunderstorm.
"You did go to the Lab to get a pokemon today, didn't you?" she asked ominously, "Given that today is the day you were scheduled to get a pokemon and begin your journey. Right?"

My violet eyes, many shades darker than my mauve hair, flew to the calendar where, to my relief, there were no little red circles around dates indicating that there was something planned for today. My mother followed my look and snatched the thing from the wall, shoving it in my face until I could clearly read the name of the month under the gorgeous picture of a branch of swollen, pink flower buds…which was April.

I reached out timidly and tore out the obsolete page to reveal the next one which was practically covered with bold, red arrows I had drawn with my marker which were all pointing to the circled 6th of May…which was today.

"Oh, no!" I gasped, my face draining of all colour before I dashed outside, but as soon as I stepped into the street I froze in horrified realization. Gary Oak was now the Pokemon Professor here in Luna town which meant that he would be giving me my starter pokemon.

I dashed back inside and up the stairs to my room.
"I have to change first!" I intercepted my mother's question while I was running upstairs, leaving an article of clothing on each step to save time.

When I barged into my room I was only wearing my lavender vest and underpants, but I dove into my closet immediately and began digging for something which would ensure I looked beautiful and successful and, if possible, that Gary wouldn't recognize me even though we'd met ten minutes ago.

After barely a minute, which was pretty impressive time, I swooped in front of my huge mirror and eyed my entire appearance critically. Good, good, it wasn't too shabby – I had dug out my white and violet dress which was one of those articles of clothing which give a, perhaps misleading, sense of chastity.

The sleeves of medium length, ending halfway down my forearm, were white, as well as a small part above the armpit to armpit line which was divided from the rest of the dress with a subtly-laced stripe of pale violet, a perfect transition between the pure whiteness and the deep lilac. What I liked the most about this dress was the fact that you could tie the neck opening closed with a black string in which case it only revealed my neck and a small area around my collar bone, while you could also leave it untied and it would reveal just the perfect amount of my chest, not quite down to my bosom, but enough to be tastefully intriguing.

It was a tad shorter than I was used to – just above half of my thigh, but I evened it out by pulling on a pair of sporty, white stockings which hugged my legs to just above the knees, leaving only a bit of skin between them and the bottom of the dress to be seen.

O-kay. I was ready. I hastily gathered my hair and bound it into two tight orbs on each side of my head, leaving a few strands hanging loose, just for the casual effect and then I dashed down the stairs, on my way grabbing the backpack which mum held ready for me with a jaded look on her face.

I burst out into the street like a bird let out of her cage for the first time, so free that I had absolutely no idea what to do next. My feet decided for me and carried me towards the place of my previous humiliation: the Luna town Pokemon Laboratory.

Watch out, world, here comes Mohini!

"Seriously, watch out. I knock stuff over."

END OF PROLOGUE

Well, there. ^,^ One last thing, do NOT expect updates often. This is a really, seriously, long-term thing so if you decide to follow this...bring travel supplies!

PS: I really hope no one remembers me! ^.^'

The Ineffable Agreement Fan
Haven't you heard? Love isn't just for perfect things...

And now, the purple fic - but not pruple prose -> I can't believe I'm doing this...

In the next chapter:
Spoiler:
I literally lost all feeling in my legs at the very thought of Gary finding out about my horrible blunder. Well, to be perfectly honest, running at a maniacal pace for over an hour could have had something to do with the fact that I could no longer feel my feet. Seriously, to my knowledge you had to be either Forest Gump or experiencing some kind of a cathartic state of trance which is considered a sign from god by some jungle-dwelling pagan tribes to run like that.

I made a mental note to use the fact that fear for my pokemon had the same effect on me a cocktail of hallucinogen mushrooms would have on most people to my defense.

Last edited by Ria; September 28th, 2007 at 01:35 AM.
  #2    
Old September 26th, 2007, 07:13 AM
Grovyle42(Griff8416)'s Avatar
Grovyle42(Griff8416)
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Hey, I remember you from serebii. That was a very good prologue. It got the details in, although it was a bit long for a prologue. Is the entire story in first person narrative? Not that its bad, I'm just wondering. Anyways I'm looking forward to the next chapter.
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  #3    
Old September 26th, 2007, 08:09 AM
Alter Ego's Avatar
Alter Ego
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Hello, it's me. You know, the obnoxious reviewer person who only exists in your head and likes to read the stuff you write? Yeah, that one. :3 As a figment of your addled mind I feel entitled to review this piece of fanfiction, so heed my words: NO COMMA GOES SAFE!! >O

...

Okay, I think I'm done making an ass of myself now.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Ria View Post
A humble Prologue
Seconding Grovyle42(Griff4815); this is really more like an opening chapter than a prologue, but whatever helps you sleep at night.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Ria View Post
"Okay, Mohini," I thought to myself, while my hands abandoned all discipline and engaged each other in a tremulous wrestling match, "This is honestly, seriously no big deal. Just walk out in front of him and casually emphasize your most striking feature. Easy."
No comma needed after "myself" since the 'while' makes it obsolete.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Ria View Post
"Calm down!" the little voice in my head which was, basically, a more calm, mature and confident version of myself, hissed at me, "You have plenty, just pick one. Your hair! That's right, you have gorgeous hair! Step out, smile sunnily and run your hand through your hair nonchalantly. Even you can't mess up that one."
Just as a note, you've got a huge (well, in relative terms huge) chunk of text between the 'the little voice in my head' and what that little voice is doing (in this case, hissing). This makes it a bit harder to comprehend that bit because by the time I was done reading the clarification I had sort of half-forgotten who was doing the hissing again. You could just change that to´something like:

Quote:
""Calm down!" hissed the little voice in my head which was, basically, a more calm, mature and confident version of myself,
Like I said; both are grammatically correct, but this one is a bit more friendly to people like me who have short attention spans.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Ria View Post
"You are standing right in front of the best pokemon trainer, slash professor of all times with your hand stuck in your hair and all you're thinking about is your idiotic, fangirl blog?"
No comma needed after "idiotic" since since you can essentially treat "fangirl blog" like a noun (Same as, for instance, "Flooring inspector").

Quote:
Originally Posted by Ria View Post
"Shut up. Seriously."
You seem to be missing a full stop.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Ria View Post
I kept babbling. I couldn't help it. My mouth was like one of those science fiction mechanisms which are placed into motion in case there is an all-consuming Armageddon and can not be overridden even by the President's master key.
"I-er mean, everyone is going on and on and on about spiritual health and no one gives a hoot about hair nowadays."
Just make it a full-line separation between "master key" and quotation here, this forum text-processing thingamajigger couldn't make a decent indent if its existence depended on it.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Ria View Post
"Mohini! What have you done to your hair?" she asked, scanning my predicament with hawk-like eyes which, along with her hawk-like nose, gave her a very hawk-like appearance altogether. It quite suited her. When I see her with this look, I always imagine how she goes to sleep every night and dreams about soaring over endless grasslands while scanning the ground below for scurrying prey.
Okay, you could actually use a comma here, right after "hawk-like nose" to turn the "along with..." bit into a full side-remark.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Ria View Post
It was a treat – seeing my mother speechless, for once. She now looked like a speechless hawk and the sight cheered me up a bit.
"He's ten years older than you." were her first words when she regained her power of speech.
No comma needed after "Speechless". And again, just go for full-line separation between quote and description; it's a lot neater.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Ria View Post
"Oh, he is not!" I snapped back, mentally counting from fourteen to twenty-four after which I reddened a bit. I can't believe I had written the words 'Mrs. Mohini Oak' five hundred times and I hadn't even bothered to compare our age.
Okay, the 'have' before "written" should be in past tense since, presumably, she had written the words that many times before she made that realization. Also, the second I there is not really necessary.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Ria View Post
"Read my figurative lips – nothing. And, guess what – more nothing. The Return of Nothing, Nothing Rides Again, The Son of Nothing, Nothing vs. Rocky Balboa."
No comma needed after than "And".

Quote:
Originally Posted by Ria View Post
When I barged into my room I was only wearing my lavender vest and underpants, but I dove into my closet immediately and began digging for something which would ensure I looked beautiful and successful and, if possible, that Gary wouldn't recognize me even though we'd met ten minutes ago.
Since your narrator is relating a past event, the "ten minutes ago" in present tense would imply ten minutes ago from the point in time at which she's currently telling the story, but it wouldn't be ten minutes ago for the Mohini who's currently changing her clothes.

...

Note to self: temporal arguments are freaking confusing. But the bottom line is that it should be past tense. :3

Quote:
Originally Posted by Ria View Post
It was a tad shorter than I was used to – just above half of my tight, but I evened it out by pulling on a pair of sporty, white stockings which hugged my legs to just above the knees, leaving only a bit of skin between them and the bottom of the dress to be seen.
Unless I'm much mistaken, that was meant to be "thigh".

Quote:
Originally Posted by Ria View Post
O-kay. I was ready. I hastily gathered my hair and bound it into two tight orbs on each side of my head, leaving a few strands hanging loose, just for the casual effect and then I dashed down the stairs, on my way grabbing the backpack which mum held ready for me with a jaded look on her face.
The "on my way" here just sounds...awkward, but I can't really think of a more graceful solution with those words either. Meh, it's not a make or break thing, but I thought I'd point it out since it sticks out from the otherwise smooth narrative. :3

Quote:
Originally Posted by Ria View Post
I burst out into the street like a bird let out of her cage for the first time, so free that I had absolutely no idea what to do next. My feet decided for me and carried me towards the place of my previous humiliation: the Luna town Pokemon Laboratory.
Colon instead of comma after "humiliation" since the stuff after it is a direct clarification on the stuff before it.


Alright, I think that's all of them. As with the fic that must no longer be remembered, I really enjoy your writing style. Dunno' if I said it last time, but it brings the writing of Terry Pratchett to mind, and Pratchett is still my favourite author of all time. xD You also did a very good job on introducing Mohini (not to mention that her inner voice is hilarious), your lexical choices are awesome, and the end of the chapter was good. I still maintain that you could just call this a first chapter, though, seeing as how it's doing precisely what first chapters are supposed to do: introducing the main character and setting up the starting point of the fic. Overall, the only bad thing about this is that it made me realize just how much work I still need to do on my own pet OT fanfic before I dare to post anything. *Inferiority complex* Yeah, I'm definitely going to follow this one. :3
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Last edited by Alter Ego; September 26th, 2007 at 08:19 AM.
  #4    
Old September 28th, 2007, 01:30 AM
Ria's Avatar
Ria
Minx Extraordinaire
 
Join Date: May 2006
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*three hours after she's logged in here to reply* Oooooooh, 'multi-quote' is called 'select' here! xD

Quote:
Originally Posted by Grovyle42(Griff4815) View Post
Hey, I remember you from serebii. That was a very good prologue.
And I remember you from pokemon elite! xD Maaaaan, we get around, don't we? xD

Quote:
Originally Posted by Grovyle42(Griff4815) View Post
It got the details in, although it was a bit long for a prologue. Is the entire story in first person narrative? Not that its bad, I'm just wondering. Anyways I'm looking forward to the next chapter.
Yup, the whole thing will be 3rd person. xD Oh, and as for the long prologue - you just wait and see. In terms of- er...largeness... o.O'... everything is doubled in this fic. xD If you think the prologue was long, just wait until you see some of the future chapters. xD

Quote:
Originally Posted by Alter Ego View Post
Hello, it's me. You know, the obnoxious reviewer person who only exists in your head and likes to read the stuff you write? Yeah, that one. :3 As a figment of your addled mind I feel entitled to review this piece of fanfiction, so heed my words: NO COMMA GOES SAFE!! >O
Wha- oh, daaaamn! I don't take my medicines ONE morning and there you are! xD j/k

Anywho...yay! *tackles you* Did'ya miss me? Did'ya? xD

Quote:
Originally Posted by Alter Ego View Post
Seconding Grovyle42(Griff4815); this is really more like an opening chapter than a prologue, but whatever helps you sleep at night.
*points to what she said about the prologue above* I'd like to add that this is a prolonged prologue, or should I say- *chortles* prolongue! Bwahahahahahaha...I suck at puns soooo badly....xD

Consider all your corrections quoted, respected and executed. xD It's just that [I don't know if it's my browser, or what], when I quote you, I don't get the part where you quoted me so actually quoting your comments on quotes would be - I quote - very confusing. xD

Quote:
Originally Posted by Alter Ego View Post
Alright, I think that's all of them. As with the fic that must no longer be remembered, I really enjoy your writing style. Dunno' if I said it last time, but it brings the writing of Terry Pratchett to mind, and Pratchett is still my favourite author of all time. xD
O.O I don't believe this...Terry Pratchett is MY favourite author of all times! Why d'ya think I've been piping on about the Ineffable Agreement in my sig and the 'delightful company of THEM' and the flaming Bentley and stuff??? o,O'[Good Omens, in case anyone doesn't know. ]

Quote:
Originally Posted by Alter Ego View Post
Overall, the only bad thing about this is that it made me realize just how much work I still need to do on my own pet OT fanfic before I dare to post anything. *Inferiority complex*
But I wanna reeeeead it! >.< Come ooon, post, post, post! ^o^ What are you worried about, I'm sure your fic is totally...erm...grammatically perfect? xD Oh, and awesome, of course!

Chapter One: A wonderful day?

The beginning of my spectacular journey was suffering a delay in the form of a simple doorknob which was attached to the green door to the Pokemon Laboratory main hall. I stared at it motionlessly, not daring to grasp it as if I was afraid it would burn me, until I finally gave up and glanced around the square half-heartedly.

It seemed that Luna town had decided to be especially gorgeous just when I was in no mood to admire its beauty. The apple trees, which were its main and most striking feature, were in full bloom all over the place, every now and then releasing a mixture of sweet scent and white and pink petals under ever-soft assaults of the spring breeze. In the middle of May, the streets looked as if they were covered in snow.

"Stop pretending you are contemplating nature's glory and walk through that bloody door."

The annoying inner voice was right, I realized. I would have no other chance to get my pokemon from Gary and, therefore, have him as my mentor professor. He was in Luna town only this year, to promote the trainer career which was not all that popular here. Of all the towns in the Riven region, Luna had the least number of new trainers per year and the authorities felt that they could remedy this by bringing in a celebrity professor. They got a very favorable mention in my blog, just for that...bless their capitalistic, little hearts.

With a deep breath I focused on the knob again. Stupid little thing…just protruding out of the door there all shiny and…metal. It wasn't tougher than me. I squared my shoulders and reached out to grasp it, but it pulled away.

Wait…what?

"In or out, Black." a very familiar voice spoke to me and I glanced up to meet a pair of very amused, dark blue eyes which belonged to Leon McCanning, also known as – the most popular boy in town, "In would be my suggestion since you're pretty late as it is."

I moved aside to let him pass, just in time to avoid being trampled under a stampede of very excited teenagers who burst outside, most of them cuddling small pokemon, and then flocked back to orbit around Leon. I imagined this was what a swarm of bees- no, wasps would look like if your forced them and their queen out of the hive…and if every one of the wasps held tiny, little starter pokemon…and buzzed things like 'Charmander', "Chikorita' or 'Leon, look at mine!' and such.

Slightly disturbed by my own imagination, I sneaked past the ecstatic crowd and escaped into the pleasant coolness of the lab. I never felt comfortable around those people. I had already gotten a reputation of being a weirdo because of that day when I had put on my beautiful, white gypsy skirt inside-out and wanted to put my lunch money in my pocket, but then I realized that my pockets were on the inside, so I casually stuck my hand down my skirt and put the money in my pocket anyway. In front of the whole school. Yeah, I've been getting a lot of horrible 'pocket money' plays of words and others not quite so nice.

Still, I perked up, no one will ever dare to ask Mrs. Gary Oak to see the colour of her money. Even the nasty receptionist lady who glared at me as if I was someone who knew her true age didn't manage to dampen my mood. I tapped the little bell and it chimed obediently. The sound seemed to annoy the woman and I was certain that even the little bell was on my side, so I grinned at her full out.
"I'm here to get my pokemon, please." I chirped, causing her to make a face of someone who has just eaten a lemon and washed it down with vinegar.

"You're late." she grit out.

"Yes, I know and I'm really, terribly sorry." I said impatiently. I was absolutely positive that she was determined to give me a small lecture on punctuality and then let me see Gary. I could totally live with that, but she grinned a horrible, grin people usually see in horror movies. I couldn't help but stare at her half-vacant mouth.

"What are you looking at?" she asked smugly, as if never seeing a dentist was a goal in life to be proud of.

"I-I just…" I had no idea what to say, so I decided that it was time for some good ol' sucking up, "Your teeth are like…um…pearls."

"Yeah, they're just that rare."

I chortled uncontrollably and ruined the whole thing – if her glower was bad before, now she looked like she wanted to bore a hole in my skull with her eyes…the kind of hole people fill up with napalm and set on fire just for the satisfaction of it.

"I've had to deal with your kind all morning, missy!" she growled at me, waving a cheap roller pen at me like a spear, "Starry-eyed, little fangirls who don't care one bit about the pokemon they got today. They all came here to gawk and coo over the cute professor. If you ask me, I'd forbid you all to come within six feet of those poor little creatures! Well, at least they bothered to come here on time and I couldn't stop them from ruining the lives of perfectly decent, little pokemon. But you! Oooh, you can head on home, little missy! You ain't ruining a young life today, mark my words!"

I glowered at the woman murderously. Had she no idea how dangerous it was to stand between a fangirl and the object of her worship? I'll show her! She was in for some most horrible groveling she had ever seen!

"Look, I'm sorry, okay?" I whined in my most ear-piercing voice, "I'm really, really, terribly, life-alteringly sorry! It's hard to even put into words how sorry I am right now. I mean, if people some day got the hang of wormhole-exploiting space travel and inhabited every single planet in all known galaxies and multiplied to the point where they had to sit on each other's heads because there's no room left in the whole universe and they all had three pet Pichus and all those people and all those Pichus were really, REALLY sorry about something, all their sorry-ness put together would not sum up to be even close to how sorry I am now, to have caused any inconvenience to your most hallowed receptionistness."

The receptionist lady was speechless. I wouldn't have expected any less – I had been saving this speech for the day when I would break my mother's most prized possession, her Bridge trophy which she got for being the person who entered the state competition most years in a row without winning anything, made out of genuine crystal imitation material which actually had 0.5% crystal in it. Because I knew it would happen some day.

"Wow, that is really sorry." the most wonderful voice in the world said and I whipped around to meet him.

Gary Oak was standing at the door not far from the receptionist's desk and he was smiling! Not just smiling, as in 'God, are you ever ridiculously pathetic' way, but smiling-smiling as in just 'you are ridiculous' way. Well, it was progress.

"Whoo. Score."

He walked up to me and flipped a few pages on the clipboard he was carrying…he had such nice hands. I bet he must read my blog because, ages ago, I had remarked how his hands looked really dry on one of his close-ups when he was in the Kanto Safari Zone, helping a little, female Nidoran out of an illegal trap and how he really ought to use some hand lotion.

"So, you are…Mohini Black?" he asked, snapping me out of my musings, "You're the only one who hasn't gotten her starter yet, according to my list."

"Say something funny. Say something funny!"

"Y-yes, sir. Professor. Mr. Oak."

"Funny ha-ha, not funny peculiar. Moron."

He grinned at me and I literally felt that I would melt into a small, lavender puddle of joy if he kept it up. Such a dazzling smile. I knew it by heart – I fell asleep every night and woke up every morning to that smile, flashing at me from every corner of my room.

"Gary will be fine." he said, "Now, let's go and see what we can find for you."

I followed him through the door and glanced around the room eagerly. It wasn't very impressive, actually, it looked like a bomb had gone off…or if I had spent an hour in it – most of the things that could be knocked over were knocked over and I even noticed some burn marks on one of the walls.

Gary followed my look and snickered ruefully.
"It got really hectic this year." he said, "And we've been having some…other issues."

He cleared his throat awkwardly and, as if to confirm his words, something began banging, apparently from the other side of the door which were labeled 'Hazard! Do not enter!'. It sounded metallic and extremely dangerous, for some reason. Gary dropped his clipboard and darted towards the door frantically.
"I'll be right back, don't come in here!" he told me quickly before he disappeared through the door.

I could already see him wrestling a mad and dangerous pokemon just to protect me and I blushed to the tips of my ears, no longer able to restrain my joy.
"He does care!" I giggled and began spinning around the room with my arms wide spread, "He cares, he cares, he- oh, bugger!"

My hand had caught one of the few glass vials which was, miraculously, still standing and knocked it over to the floor where it smashed into a million pieces, releasing some kind of yellowish liquid all over the gray tiles. I froze in the middle of my fifth spin. This couldn't be good.

"Don't panic! Just cover it up with something! This whole place is a mess, he probably wont even notice."

I grabbed one of the white lab coats from the hanger and tossed it over the spill, trying to make it look as if it was casually left there, but then I heard a strange, sizzling sound and the area around the pocket began to turn yellow before it dissolved, releasing a horrible scent of burning plastic which, I realized to my utter dismay, came from the small, laminated ID with Gary's picture on it which was in the pocket.

I have dissolved the Trainer ID of the most famous, successful pokemon trainer alive in acid.

"You're useless…the cart! Pull the cart over the whole thing!"

I had to put my entire weight into moving the heavy laboratory trolley which was crammed full of gray science manuals, but I managed to cover up the mess I made just when the door clicked open and Gary came back inside. I even managed to make it look like I was casually leaning on the cart, while examining the books in it with utmost interest.

Gary seemed completely oblivious to the altered arrangement in the lab as he approached me and offered me something that looked like a rather large pokeball.
"We were out of regular starters, I'm afraid." he said, with a somewhat strained smile, "But you can have this one. They are very-uh…good pokemon. We don't know much about them, but I was able to make some astonishing new discoveries here in Luna Town."

I took the pokeball, wondering how on earth was I going to lug that around in my pocket. I'll look like one of those escaped convicts from Benny Hill who have to hide the leaden ball they're chained to in their clothes. Suddenly, to my utter horror, the huge pokeball shifted in my hands and looked at me. I screamed and dropped it, but it just remained hovering in mid air.
"Volt. Orb." it said, glaring at me in a rather disturbing way.

I felt as if a huge weight was lifted from my shoulders. It was just a little Voltorb.
"Thanks, G-Gary." I said, though now I was beginning to develop a new worry – I knew nothing about that pokemon what so ever.

"I know that this is unorthodox, but they are really great pokemon." Gary told me, "Here, you can have some of the notes I've made on raising them. You can mail them back to me when you've gotten the hang of it. Oh, and your ID and PokeNav, of course. You can pick up your pokeballs at the reception."

I stored everything away in my pack, my fear fleeting slowly. I could pull this off. The little-known pokemon just gave me all the more reason to call Gary more often and ask for his advice.
"I'll be fine, I'm sure." I said and even backed it up with a smile, "So-uh…what was the astonishing new discovery you've made about these little guys?"

Before Gary had time to reply, there was a crash and then a bang and then the labeled door swung open and a mass of red and white balls bounced into the lab, filling the air with their metallic cries. Gary stood perfectly still as they bounced all around us, rebounded off of the walls and collided with each other.

"Apparently, they breed like rabbits." he told me, barely moving his lips.

I had managed to grab my Voltorb in time or I'd never have found him again, amongst all the identical pokemon that now filled the room. So that was what had caused this whole mess…except for the acid hazard which was my fault. I was really impressed with how calm Gary looked, even though chaos has broken out all around him.
"You're taking this really well." I told him encouragingly, painfully aware that my eyes were probably so starry you could see Alpha Centauri in them "If it were me, I'd go nuts!"

"Oh, no, I'm pretty upset, I assure you." he grit out and I noticed that his left eyebrow was twitching. "But I can't make any sudden moves, you see. They've been really edgy because I locked them up and if one of them explodes…"

I glanced around slowly, trying to move my head as little as possible.
"I…see." I said slowly and began inching towards the door, "W-well...um. Good luck! I'll…give you a call as soon as I can! Bye!"

I felt a tad guilty when I escaped into the corridor, but I was positive that, once he has fallen hopelessly in love with me, he would see this as an act of my faith in him, rather than cowardice.

I barely slowed down at the reception to get my pokeballs before I darted into the street and didn't stop running until I was a couple of blocks away. I then glanced down at the pokemon whom I have been carrying between my arm and my side.
"Uh…hello." I said awkwardly, "I'm Mohini…erm…please don't blow up, okay?"

I figured I was relatively safe. I mean, they can't possibly like blowing up, can they? I carefully called my new pokemon into his pokeball and thrust it into my pack. I had one thing left to do before I left Luna Town for a long time.

***

"You can go in now, Mohini." the elderly nurse Tamara told me in her gentle, slightly cracked voice all good-natured, aged woman shared.

I rose from the bench in the waiting room of the Luna Town St. Joseph hospital for people with special needs and followed her into the lounge.

"How is he today?" I asked half-heartedly. I knew what she would say, she never had that look of mixed pity and tenderness when the news were good.

"It's…not one of his better days, dear." she said, squeezing my hand with her own, wrinkled one, "Perhaps it would be better if you came back tomorrow?"

I wouldn't be here tomorrow, I wanted to tell her, but I was afraid my voice would fail me. No matter how many times I did this, it never got any easier.

The lounge was a large, airy room with plenty of sunlight and dusty, plastic plants. People who were scattered around were all very calm and quiet, some because it was their nature, others because of the medicines. I saw the man I was looking for right where I had expected to find him – next to the old record player that didn't even work anymore. We had brought the thing from our place because it soothed him to sit next to it, turning the volume button left and right, as if he was hoping the motion itself would produce music.

Kneeling next to the rocking chair, as I used to when I was little, I took his pale, unmoving hand and kissed it.
"Hey, dad." I said quietly, but he didn't even flinch. His pale, blue eyes remained fixed on the volume button, his face one of utter concentration.

I sighed as I rubbed his hand with my own. We had asked the Head Nurse to get him a working record player, but they were worried that the other patients might break the records and use the sharp pieces to hurt others or themselves.

As I did many times before, I leaned my head on his thigh and began to sing softly:

I see trees are green, red roses too,
I see them bloom – for me and you,
And I think to myself – What a wonderful world.


As the first sounds left my lips, his face brightened heartbreakingly and he looked like he had finally found something he had been looking for his whole life. His hand left the button slowly and began swaying in the air in sync with my voice. I closed my eyes as I felt tears sting, but I forced my voice not to waver. Not now.

I see skies are blue and clouds are white,
The bright, blessed day, the dark, sacred night,
And I think to myself – what a wonderful world.


Mr. Clouts, the oldest man I've ever known, who was sitting in the corner, clutching his IV rack, stood up shakily and extended his hand to Mrs. Fletcher, the old lady whose children didn't want to take care of her anymore so they stuck her in this place, even though there was nothing wrong with her. She giggled like a little girl as she took it and they began a slow, but happy dance right there, in the middle of the lounge. I felt guilty I only had two more verses left to sing. Maybe I'll make this a small concert, after all. I knew lots of Armstrong's songs.

The colors of the rainbow, so pretty in the sky,
Are also on the faces of people going by.

I see friends, shaking hands, sayin' "How do you do?"
They're really sayin – "I love you"

I hear babies cry, I watch them grow,
They'll learn much more than I'll ever know.

And I think to myself – What a wonderful day…


***

I left the hospital two hours later, even though I had planned only a short visit. My voice was cracked and my mascara, no doubt, smeared all over my face, but I made my dad happy today and that was all that counted…even if he did call me Neil in the end.

Under the gaze of the afternoon sun, I took my first steps towards my life as a trainer.

END OF CHAPTER ONE

Ta-daaa...I'm sure that there are plenty of commas running loose in this one too. xD I've let myself go, writing-wise.

The Ineffable Agreement Fan
Haven't you heard? Love isn't just for perfect things...

And now, the purple fic - but not pruple prose -> I can't believe I'm doing this...

In the next chapter:
Spoiler:
I literally lost all feeling in my legs at the very thought of Gary finding out about my horrible blunder. Well, to be perfectly honest, running at a maniacal pace for over an hour could have had something to do with the fact that I could no longer feel my feet. Seriously, to my knowledge you had to be either Forest Gump or experiencing some kind of a cathartic state of trance which is considered a sign from god by some jungle-dwelling pagan tribes to run like that.

I made a mental note to use the fact that fear for my pokemon had the same effect on me a cocktail of hallucinogen mushrooms would have on most people to my defense.
  #5    
Old September 30th, 2007, 03:08 AM
Alter Ego's Avatar
Alter Ego
that evil mod from hell
 
Join Date: Jun 2005
Location: Touhou land, grazing danmaku all the way
Age: 26
Nature: Quirky
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ria View Post
Wha- oh, daaaamn! I don't take my medicines ONE morning and there you are! xD j/k

Anywho...yay! *tackles you* Did'ya miss me? Did'ya? xD

Well...if by 'miss' you mean a compulsive need to find someone with as many rampant commas to review...
Aww...screw the excuses; of course I missed ya'! ;D

Quote:
Originally Posted by Ria View Post
*points to what she said about the prologue above* I'd like to add that this is a prolonged prologue, or should I say- *chortles* prolongue! Bwahahahahahaha...I suck at puns soooo badly....xD
Nah, compared to Lewis Carrol (Depraved author of children's books who wrote a whole freaking chapter consisting of nothing but a string of bad puns) you've barely gotten past the surface layer of bad punniness. (Though not for a lack of trying, I'm sure) xD
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ria View Post
Consider all your corrections quoted, respected and executed. xD It's just that [I don't know if it's my browser, or what], when I quote you, I don't get the part where you quoted me so actually quoting your comments on quotes would be - I quote - very confusing. xD
Ahh...that would be the forum mechanics, actually. Apparently it refuses to quote quotes for some reason. Go figure.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ria View Post
O.O I don't believe this...Terry Pratchett is MY favourite author of all times! Why d'ya think I've been piping on about the Ineffable Agreement in my sig and the 'delightful company of THEM' and the flaming Bentley and stuff??? o,O'[Good Omens, in case anyone doesn't know. ]
Uhh...I thought it was a big coincidence? *Shot* Hey, coincidences do happen, right? xD
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ria View Post
But I wanna reeeeead it! >.< Come ooon, post, post, post! ^o^ What are you worried about, I'm sure your fic is totally...erm...grammatically perfect? xD Oh, and awesome, of course!
Heh, it's still in the draft stage and scheduled for a full rewrite because I finally managed to settle on all the central players, who - unfortunately - don't include my original protagonist. That makes this the third time I almost completely revamped my fic. The self is indeed the harshest critic. xD

But speaking of critics, I think it's time to crack down on this chapter. x3

Quote:
Originally Posted by Ria View Post
"In or out, Black." a very familiar voice spoke to me and I glanced up to meet a pair of very amused, dark blue eyes which belonged to Leon McCanning, also known as the most popular boy in town, "In would be my suggestion since you're pretty late as it is."
You don't need the '-' after "also known as" here.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Ria View Post
Still, I perked up, no-one would ever dare to ask Mrs. Gary Oak to see the colour of her money. Even the nasty receptionist lady who glared at me as if I was someone who knew her true age didn't manage to dampen my mood. I tapped the little bell and it chimed obediently. The sound seemed to annoy the woman and I was certain that even the little bell was on my side, so I grinned at her full out.
That should be "no-one" with a hiphon. Also, I think that "will" after it should be past tense since this is indirectly relating what's running through her head as she enters the lab (I.e. The thought she's reassuring herself with right there and then).

Quote:
Originally Posted by Ria View Post
"I'm here to get my pokemon, please." I chirped, causing her to make the face of someone who had just eaten a lemon and washed it down with vinegar.
"the face" rather than "a face" since, presumably, the person who washed down the lemon with vinegar can't make multiple faces at the same time. Also, that should be "had" rather than "has" in this case.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Ria View Post
"Yes, I know and I'm really, terribly sorry." I said impatiently. I was absolutely positive that she was determined to give me a small lecture on punctuality and then let me see Gary. I could totally live with that, but she grinned a horrible, grin people usually see in horror movies. I couldn't help but stare at her half-vacant mouth.
No comma needed after "horrible".

Quote:
Originally Posted by Ria View Post
I glowered at the woman murderously. Had she no idea how dangerous it was to stand between a fangirl and the object of her worship? I'd show her! She was in for some of the most horrible groveling she had ever seen!
Again, it should be "I'd" rather than "I'll" since she intends to show her in the past even being related, not at the point of time when she's telling the story. Also, you'll need to add "of the" in there since you used "some" and "most". Optionally, you can remove the "some" in which case you don't need "of" either.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Ria View Post
Gary Oak was standing at the door not far from the receptionist's desk and he was smiling! Not just smiling, as in 'God, are you ever ridiculously pathetic' way, but smiling-smiling as in just 'you are ridiculous' way. Well, it was progress.
That would be either "Smiling in a 'God, you are ever ridiculously pathetic' way" or "Smiling as in 'God, are you ever ridiculously pathetic'". The same goes for the second one. :3

Quote:
Originally Posted by Ria View Post
.I followed him through the door and glanced around the room eagerly. It wasn't very impressive. Actually, it looked like a bomb had gone off…or like I had spent an hour in it – most of the things that could be knocked over were knocked over and I even noticed some burn marks on one of the walls.
If I caught the meaning of that sentence correctly, that should be a full stop after "very impressive". Also, that should be "like" rather than "if" since you used "like" in the previous bit. Alternatively, you could go for "it looked as if a bomb had gone off..." in which case "if" would be correct.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Ria View Post
Gary followed my look and snickered ruefully.
"It got really hectic this year." he said, "And we've been having some…other issues."
See comments on the previous chapter for the line separation thing. Either make it a full line separation between "Gary followed..." and the quotation or don't separate them at all. Same goes for the similar cases throughout the chapter. :3

Quote:
Originally Posted by Ria View Post
He cleared his throat awkwardly and, as if to confirm his words, something began banging, apparently from the other side of the door which was labeled 'Hazard! Do not enter!'. It sounded metallic and extremely dangerous, for some reason. Gary dropped his clipboard and darted towards the door frantically.
"I'll be right back, don't come in here!" he told me quickly before he disappeared through the door.
Since there's only one door that should be "was" instead of "were"; unless you meant to write "doors".

Quote:
Originally Posted by Ria View Post
I had to put my entire weight into moving the heavy laboratory trolley which was crammed full of gray science manuals, but I managed to cover up the mess I made just when the door clicked open and Gary came back inside. I even managed to make it look like I was casually leaning on the cart, while examining the books in it with utmost interest.
No comma needed after "the cart".

Quote:
Originally Posted by Ria View Post
I took the pokeball, wondering how on earth was I going to lug that around in my pocket. I'd look like one of those escaped convicts from Benny Hill who have to hide the leaden ball they're chained to in their clothes. Suddenly, to my utter horror, the huge pokeball shifted in my hands and looked at me. I screamed and dropped it, but it just remained hovering in mid air.
"Volt. Orb." it said, glaring at me in a rather disturbing way.
Again, "I'd" rather than "I'll" since these musings are happening in the past.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Ria View Post
I had managed to grab my Voltorb in time or I'd never have found him again, amongst all the identical pokemon that now filled the room. So that was what had caused this whole mess…except for the acid hazard which was my fault. I was really impressed with how calm Gary looked, even though chaos has broken out all around him.
"You're taking this really well." I told him encouragingly, painfully aware that my eyes were probably so starry you could see Alpha Centauri in them "If it were me, I'd go nuts!"
Okay, the first sentence just doesn't seem to be working here. The "or" needs something to refer to. (Otherwise it's like saying "which is rounder or a ball?"). I'd also suggest getting rid of the "again" and the comma after it (Resulting in "I'd never have found him amongst all the identical pokémon...". But yeah, that "or" still needs something to justify its existence.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Ria View Post
I felt a tad guilty when I escaped into the corridor, but I was positive that, once he has fallen hopelessly in love with me, he would see this as an act of my faith in him, rather than cowardice.
No comma needed after "faith in him".

Quote:
Originally Posted by Ria View Post
I barely slowed down at the reception to get my pokeballs before I darted into the street and didn't stop running until I was a couple of blocks away. I then glanced down at the pokemon whom I had been carrying between my arm and my side.
"Uh…hello." I said awkwardly, "I'm Mohini…erm…please don't blow up, okay?"
Again, past tense here since the carrying is occurring in the past, not the time of the narration.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Ria View Post
"You can go in now, Mohini." the elderly nurse Tamara told me in the gentle, slightly cracked voice all good-natured, aged women shared.
You can't share anything with only yourself, so that should be "women". Also, since it's a shared voice, that should be "the[...]voice" (or possibly "the kind of[...]voice") rather than "her[...]voice". Optionally, you could go with something "in her gentle, slightly cracked voice, the kind that all good-natured, aged women shared.".

Quote:
Originally Posted by Ria View Post
The lounge was a large, airy room with plenty of sunlight and dusty, plastic plants. People who were scattered around were all very calm and quiet, some because it was their nature, others because of the medicines. I saw the man I was looking for right where I had expected to find him – next to the old record player that didn't even work anymore. We had brought the thing from our place because it soothed him to sit next to it, turning the volume button left and right, as if he was hoping the motion itself would produce music.
"Scattered around" requires a location, and you don't have one. Maybe change that to something like "The people scattered around the room". :3

Quote:
Originally Posted by Ria View Post
Mr. Clouts, the oldest man I've ever known, who was sitting in the corner, clutching his IV rack, stood up shakily and extended his hand to Mrs. Fletcher, the old lady whose children didn't want to take care of her anymore so they stuck her in this place, even though there was nothing wrong with her. She giggled like a little girl as she took it and they began a slow, but happy dance right there, in the middle of the lounge. I felt guilty I only had two more verses left to sing. Maybe I'd make this a small concert. After all, I knew lots of Armstrong's songs.
No comma needed after "slow" since the 'but' is there. Also, "I'd" instead of "I'll" again since - actually, you should know the reason by now since it's the same one I've cited earlier in this post. Also, switching around the comma and the full stop by the end seems like a more natural arrangement to me. :3


Aaaand that's it for the grammar. I have to say, the hospital scene was really touching without being angst-trippy. Seriously, awesome work on that one. It adds more depth to Mohini's character too. Also, props for the Voltorb starter. That one should be...interesting. xD And yeah, looking forward to the next chapter as always.
Featured Theme: Patchouli Knowledge (Touhou Project)
Provided by and jointed with: Phani
Best viewed together, profile customization still in progress



Scandalous Maido Love Affair and Pair: Phani
Estranged Ex: The RP Section Rules
Sworn Rival For All Eternity and about five minutes beyond: Chibi
Illegitimate Lovechild: Mika
Card-gaming Beta on a Leash: Scarlet


Last edited by Alter Ego; September 30th, 2007 at 06:16 AM.
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