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  #1    
Old November 14th, 2007, 05:37 PM
Azonic's Avatar
Azonic
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Erm . . . I had no other ideas for the title ._.; . . . okay, this is my first time doing a writing piece O_o cuz I had liek nothing else to do . . . darn you bad weather! >:O So Yea . . . like that . . . right?

WARNING - I will not be responsible for any ninja pirate apples that attempt to eat you, thats your mother's job to tell you to eat your vegetables.

PROLOGUE - Deep in the sinister, isolated island of Midna, the shadows bend and the sun is forever unseen. The malevolent, evil shadows haunt those of the Sinnoh, taking their souls and transforming them into demons. One by one, they fall prey. Pokémon Trainer Rhett Driessens wants to get to the bottom of this nightmarish mystery – even if he becomes the next victim . . .

CHAPTER 1 - Necklace

Rhett's eyes shifted, scanning the horizon. The plain was empty – only grassy patches of land – but it felt like he was being watched. Every step, every movement, every breath that was made was being tracked. Someone or something was following him, but what was it?

All of a sudden, the leaves started rustling and the wind started howling. Footsteps, very soft and swift footsteps, quickly trailed him. Rhett started running, but the footsteps followed. As he stopped to take a breath, the footsteps revealed the shadow of a man – or some sort of creature. It was floating, and the neck of the creature was gleaming red. Dar – kuuu . . .

Rhett’s eyes widened – his heart pounded against his chest, filling him with fear. But then, something amazing started to happen. The golden necklace that was wrapped in black string, started to glow. The necklace unleashed a blue light! The light seemed to blind the creature – scaring it away into the darkness of the night.

But Rhett started to fall in a trance – a deep, mysterious slumber had befallen him. He started to reach for his Pokéballs, but he found himself paralyzed as he collapsed to the floor. His eyes were shut and his body, unconscious.

Hours had gone by but Rhett had lost consciousness. His body was found by an old man who ended up calling the police.

Rhett awoke while he found himself nestled in a cozy white bed. It suddenly hit him as that he awoke in a different place. The memory of the shady creature came to him clearly, though he was still wondering where he was.

He looked outside and saw the early daybreak of the morning sun soothing his nerves with its calming rays of light. He looked at the door as it creaked open. A woman with blue hair in a police uniform and a woman dressed in pink greeted him. Ah! Officer Jenny and Nurse Joy! I must be at the Pokémon Center. Rhett thought.

Officer Jenny came over to his bed and said, “Rhett . . . is that your name?” Rhett nodded a yes. “You might be confused about your whereabouts. Well, you are at the Pokémon Center in Canalave City. A man found you unconscious near the islands of Midna and Glore. Do you recall anything that happened to you?” said Officer Jenny in a serious, yet sweet voice.

“Umm . . . I remember a shady figure. It was floating and it had a red, glowing neck,” explained Rhett. His voice cracked, like he was frightened or nervous. “I think it tried to attack me, it was following me with every step I took. But then my necklace looked like it was glowing, and the creature disappeared. That’s all I remember.”

Jenny’s eyes widened like she knew something or was lost in interest. She called up Nurse Joy and explained everything that Rhett had said. Both of them were speechless for a few minutes.

Nurse Joy’s mouth opened like she had something to say. “Reports about a shady creature have been common. They occurred in the same area that you were in. But the people who reported this incident came back injured and hurt, and they disappeared the day after – nowhere to be found,” said Nurse Joy.

Jenny stared at the necklace that was around Rhett’s neck. “Is this the necklace you were talking about? The necklace that was able to glow?” asked Jenny.

Rhett nodded. He took the necklace off and placed it in Jenny’s hand. Officer Jenny examined it for a while. “Huh, it seems like an ordinary necklace to me,” she said.

Suddenly, the door to the room opened. A tall figure, dressed in a white lab coat, walked in. “Ah! Professor Rowan has finally arrived! Professor, do you notice anything about this necklace?” asked Jenny.

Professor Rowan’s eyes widened. He was amazed at something about the necklace. Rowan froze in one place, speechless for minutes. He flipped open a brown, dusty book to a page in the middle, revealing a lace-like object. But the surprising fact is . . . it looked exactly like the necklace that Rhett had . . .

---

Okay guys, tear it apart :D

EDIT: hey why is the font like wierd? O_o
EDIT: no srsly, it says Verdana . . . buut D:
EDIT: DANG YOU STUPID FONT!!! >:O *takes an elephant and smashes computer*
EDIT: whoops . . . thats not good ._.;
EDIT: oh yea baby! I fixed the font! *carefully removes elephant from computer*
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Last edited by Azonic; November 14th, 2007 at 05:52 PM.
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  #2    
Old November 15th, 2007, 03:57 PM
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Azonic
pls stop talking to me
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CHAPTER 2 - Journey to Doom
Professor Rowan’s jaw dropped. His dark brown eyes sparkled in shock. “This . . . this necklace . . . this necklace is the answer to the whole vanishing charade!” exclaimed Rowan. “The hundreds, maybe thousands of people disappearing mystery may have finally come to an end! My friends, we shall journey to the heart of Midna Island and stop the evil afoot!” And so they did . . .

Rhett and Professor Rowan were greeted with another Pokémon trainer, Ellie. She was the daughter of Professor Rowan and was very eager to help solve the mystery.

“Rhett, I must let you know that I will not be traveling to Midna Island with you. I shall be turning back as soon as I see that you have left the dock,” said Rowan. Rhett’s dark eyes flashed at him, surprised. “You won’t help us on the journey?” asked Rhett. The fact that the Professor would not be coming was boggling is mind! Rowan shook his head in response. “Ellie knows more about the mystery than I do; she should be more helpful – especially when she has her own Pokémon,” stated Rowan. Ellie flashed a smile at her dad.

The wind kicked up all of a sudden. The storm clouds were headed their direction.

“Better get going quickly,” said Ellie in her sweet voice. Rhett and Ellie jumped in the small boat, waving their goodbyes to Rowan.

The storm roared through the fogginess of the afternoon. The boat nearly tipped due to the harsh, angry waves that pounded the sea. “Let’s go! Gyarados!” said Ellie. She took a blue Pokéball and threw it in the ocean. An explosion of light bursts from the Pokéball and reveals a atrocious blue sea monster. The Pokémon was Gyarados. It had scaly blue skin and wing-like objects that stuck out from its body. It looked very powerful.

“Okay Gyarados! Use Flamethrower on the water!” commanded Ellie. A hazy yellow ball of light appeared in Gyarados’s gaping mouth. Then, a hot, red-orange beam shot out and blasted the ocean. The water exploded from the sea but then left a flat water piece against the sea. The boat safely sailed through the calm water, though the trail ahead only lead to stormy seas.

“Gyarados can’t keep this up forever! It’s getting weaker!” Rhett had to shout to let him be heard since the thunderstorm and the angry waves were so noisy. Rhett was right – Gyarados was trembling and shaking, like it didn’t have enough energy to support the Flamethrowers.

“Alrighty then . . . Gyarados, return,” said Ellie. Unfortunately, the waves roared through the sea higher than ever when she sent Gyarados back into her Pokéball. The boat couldn’t take the storm; it was falling apart!

The water blasted holes into the boat, tipping it over on its side. Neither Ellie nor Rhett could stay upon the surface any longer. The dark blue knocked the consciousness right out of them . . .
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  #3    
Old November 15th, 2007, 07:35 PM
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TurtleKing
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(Heh, well you actually have to be patient when getting reviews! It's only been one day!)

So far, it's fair. Not good, but not bad. In the middle.

Heck! I didn't know Gyarados could learn Flamethrower! You had to take it to the Move Tutor in Crystal. Of course, I wouldn't know since I didn't buy Crystal.

Anyway...

I'll keep checking on this Fic to help you out.

I recommend you make longer chapters.
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Last edited by TurtleKing; November 15th, 2007 at 07:41 PM.
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  #4    
Old November 16th, 2007, 02:27 PM
Duncan McNeil's Avatar
Duncan McNeil
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Join Date: Nov 2007
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Okay, well I'm here. This needs some work (don't all fics?), but I'll do my best.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Azonic View Post
PROLOGUE - Deep in the sinister, isolated island of Midna, the shadows bend and the sun is forever unseen. The malevolent, evil shadows haunt those of the Sinnoh, taking their souls and transforming them into demons. One by one, they fall prey. Pokémon Trainer Rhett Driessens wants to get to the bottom of this nightmarish mystery – even if he becomes the next victim . . .
This was pretty bare-bones. There was some pretty good imagery, but it was much too short. It was more of a short preview than a prologue. Not a huge difference between the two, but try to keep it in mind that prologues are on average at least a page long. Many go longer, but usually a page is acceptable. Just a little tip for the future.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Azonic View Post
Rhett’s eyes widened – his heart pounded against his chest, filling him with fear. But then, something amazing started to happen. The golden necklace that was wrapped in black string started to glow. The necklace unleashed a blue light! The light seemed to blind the creature – scaring it away into the darkness of the night.
This part didn't work. Just instead put the necklace glowed blue and cut the second sentence. Also keep in mind that, when speaking as the narrator, don't use exclamation marks.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Azonic View Post
[COLOR=black]But Rhett started to fall in a trance – a deep, mysterious slumber had befallen him. He started to reach for his Pokéballs, but he found himself paralyzed as he collapsed to the floor. His eyes were shut and his body fell unconscious.
Body fell unconcious instead of body, unconcious.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Azonic View Post
Jenny’s eyes widened like she knew something or was lost in interest. She called up Nurse Joy and explained everything that Rhett had said. Both of them were speechless for a few minutes.
They were speechless for a few minutes? That seems a little odd. Maybe for a few seconds, but in that situation a few minutes is too long.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Azonic View Post
Rhett and Professor Rowan were greeted with another Pokémon trainer, Ellie. She was the daughter of Professor Rowan and was very eager to help solve the mystery.
Okay, skipping across to this didn't work. For one you really need to improve your description. What does Rhett look like? Same with Ellie. Just saying that she was Rowans' daughter isn't enough. Take your time and think about your characters. What color hair do they have? How tall are they? What are they wearing? Things like this are extremely important when writing a fic, so take your time. Description throughout the whole fic is next to nothing. Slow down and describe as much as you can. What the rooms look like, the towns, the surroundings, everything. Without description the reader is left to guess. Are the walls bright pink? Is Rhett wearing a dress? Probably not, but without description the reader doesn't know.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Azonic View Post
The fact that the Professor would not be coming was mind-boggling to Rhett.
Correction in bold. The way it was didn't sound right.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Azonic View Post
The storm roared through the fogginess of the afternoon. The boat nearly tipped due to the harsh, angry waves that pounded the sea. “Let’s go! Gyarados!” said Ellie. She took a blue Pokéball and threw it in the ocean. An explosion of light bursts from the Pokéball and reveals a atrocious blue sea monster. The Pokémon was Gyarados. It had scaly blue skin and wing-like objects that stuck out from its body. It looked very powerful.
Huh? Storm? All you said was that there were "storm clouds were headed their direction.". Here again if you slow down and descibe what's going on the fic will be better for it.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Azonic View Post
“Okay Gyarados! Use Flamethrower on the water!” commanded Ellie. A hazy yellow ball of light appeared in Gyarados’s gaping mouth. Then, a hot, red-orange beam shot out and blasted the ocean. The water exploded from the sea but then left a flat water piece against the sea. The boat safely sailed through the calm water, though the trail ahead only lead to stormy seas.
A flat piece of water? Not quite sure how that works. XD

Besides the lack of description, this has potential. The plot sounds good, and is a nice departure from the standard OT fics I've been reading lately. But another thing is the length of your chapters. Chapter one was fairly short, but chapter two was very short. Take your time when writing, and space out each chapter by at least a day.

I guess that's just about it. I'm going to keep an eye on this to see how much you can improve. Hopefully this helps.
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  #5    
Old November 16th, 2007, 02:30 PM
♥~*Abby*~♥'s Avatar
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...
 
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Pretty good. *much better than me*

BUUUT, I'm gonna be a goody-good and say...

NO DOUBLE POSTIN'! >(

EDIT- Me... a goody-good... just the thought makes me LOL.
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  #6    
Old November 16th, 2007, 02:57 PM
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Astinus
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raichuchika, I suggest that you familiarize yourself with the rules of a forum before you decide to mini-mod. In the PFF section, authors are allowed to double-post.

Azonic, there was a definite lack of description in your fic. I got confused at some points because of how quickly your plot moved. Slow down a bit and describe things a bit better before you lose readers from confusion.

Apologies for the short review, but I have to go now. I'll do a better one later.
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  #7    
Old November 16th, 2007, 03:13 PM
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Azonic
pls stop talking to me
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Okay, thanx guys. I'll work on it.
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