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  #1    
Old January 14th, 2008 (09:59 AM). Edited January 14th, 2008 by Light Yagami.
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Light Yagami Light Yagami is offline
Compulsive Battler#1
 
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: the Kanto Region
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Chapter 1
"Can you smell the fresh air Glaceon?" Aaron asked his #1 partner. He just had put on a fresh t-shirt, blue jeans, and his favorite blue running shoes his mother had given him at the start of his journey. His Glaceon was obviously well kept, bright blue, almost like it was shiny....

Glaceon nodded with agreement.

Aaron had just stepped off the cruise ship with his pal Glaceon, and it was a beautiful day. "I guess you'll want to get back in your ball huh? Return! I wonder if I'll have a good challenge here like I did in Sinnoh" Aaron thought to himself aloud.

"You won't find any better than right here! I challenge you!" Yelled out this girl in the crowd. You could tell by her clothes she was very stylish. She had long blonde hair, a Torchic t-shirt, jeans with a stylish rip, and brand new fire-red running shoes. You could also tell by her voice that she was very high-strung.

Aaron turned around "Hmmmm? No need to yell, I'm not that far away. And as for the battle, that would be a no, I just got into town and I want to relax for a bit." He didn't want to show his prize pokemon to someone who obviously just got their pokemon a week ago.

"Hmph, you must think you're that good huh? Well I have news for you buddy, I'm not the average pushover. Don't let my looks fool you. You must think I got my registration out a cereal box huh? Sabrina asked with a sting.

Aaron looked up with surprise, this girl was out of the norm. She was unique in alot of ways, and articulate too. "Well if you insist, we can battle tomorrow. Where may I find the Pokemon Center?" His statements and his questions contained much more respect than before.

"Follow me, I'll show you the way!" Sabrina yelled, obviously not offended anymore.

His name is Aaron, he was the Sinnoh league champ and he refuses to lose.

A short Chapter 1 I know. Thats why I am posting Chapter 1 and 2 simultaneously.


Chapter 2
It was a fresh day in Lilycove city. The Pidgey were chirping and and it was sunny. The perfect day to train Aaron was thinking. He hopped out of bed and threw on a fresh shirt and jeans from his suitcase, grabbed his pokeballs and headed out of the Pokemon Center.

"Can we finally have this battle?!?" Sabrina asked with a screech.

"Hold your Horsea, let me get some fresh air and we'll battle" Exclaimed Aaron. He was only a step out the door, he figured she had been waiting out there only morning.

"Oh no, you have been putting this off long enough, GO Torkoal!" Sabrina yelled as she threw her pokeball.

"If thats what you really want, I suppose you'll be a good warmup. It will be a two on two, agreed?" He yawned as he lazily sent out his Gastrodon. No problem, his journey could wait ten minutes.

"Agreed" Sabrina always was quick to start a battle, however she didn't know what type or kind of pokemon this was. Since Aaron knew he had the type advanage he started with a strong Water Pulse, and Sabrina was so dumbfounded, she couldn't command her Torkoal to move fast enough. Aaron knew what the outcome of this match would be, he knew his pokemon wouldn't be easily identified Hoenn and with that advantage he could take these trainers on no problem. The only thing he didn't know is that there were interested trainers who were watching and had already knew that his first pokemon, Gastrodon was a water type, or so they thought.

"Okay you beat just one of my pokemon, you think I'm some newbie who can't think up a strategy? I'll get you now, go Manetric! I'll devastate your Gastro-whatever it is" yelled Sabrina.

"Oh so now that you can't beat me, you'll insult my pokemon and I, oh you will pay" hissed Aaron with contempt. Plus he had come to a conclusion that this girl was just too loud.

"Whatever lets go!" She yelled. Now thinking she knew what to do she had her Manetric do a a thunder that seemed to come from the heavens, and when it struck Gastrodon, it didn't even bat an eye.
"No, this isn't possible, whats your deal? Why didn't that Thunder destroy that thing?" Sabrina said in awe.

"I won't stand for your insults on my pokemon! You wanna know my 'deal', okay you'll see right now!" Aaron said this with a roar because people never respected what they couldn't understand. When Aaron had first found Gastrodon, it was a Shellos no one wanted or cared about. With his love and affection Shellos grew stronger, learned ground attacks he never dreamed of, and finally evolved. Aaron knew that his move would give up his Gastrodon's mystery to the whole crowd he had noticed behind him, but he had no choice, Sabrina had to pay for her insults.

"Okay Gastrodon do a Earthquake that'll give a ten on the richter scale!" ordered Aaron. With no remorse at the damage Gastrodon knew it would deal out it shot out an Earthquake that Manetric just couldn't avoid.

"Okay this pokemon won't lose....it can't lose" Sabrina reassured herself. "Go Skiploom!" As soon as it was sent out, Skiploom rose to the sky. Sabrina finally knew the perfect strategy to beat Gastrodon, she had Skiploom use Leech Seed on Gastrodon and it hit dead on. Gastrodon couldn't hit it with Water Pulse, Hidden Power, or Body Slam and Earthquake. It was a waiting game for Sabrina as the Leech Seed took effect and destroyed Gastrodon.

"Return Gastrodon. You did your best and did a great job." Aaron whispered to the pokeball. "Now its your time to shine!" yelled Aaron as he sent out Glaceon.

Sabrina had seen Glaceon yesterday, and thats who she thought he would start with today, and thats why she started with Torkoal, but now Torkoal was out for the count. "Skiploom Leech Seed once more!" Sabrina commanded. Sabrina figured it worked once, why not again?

"This is where your precision training comes in handy Glaceon, Icebeam!" ordered Aaron. With the beam of ice that Glaceon omitted, the Leech Seed froze up and and also knocked Skiploom right out the clear-blue sky.

"Okay, I'll admit your good, but when my teacher comes you'll be put to shame." sniffed Sabrina.

"Your teacher?" asked Aaron with confusion.

"That would be me." Said a shadowy figure that came from the crowd.

" How do I get myself mixed up in these kind of things?" asked Aaron with disgust.

His name is the Teacher, but no one knows who he is besides Sabrina.
I welcome any criticsm or comments
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  #2    
Old January 15th, 2008 (02:54 PM).
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Avey Avey is offline
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Fine, but only because you spelled it out in front of me.

Quote:
"Can you smell the fresh air Glaceon?" Aaron asked his number one partner. He just had put on a fresh t-shirt, blue jeans, and his favorite blue running shoes his mother had given him at the start of his journey. His Glaceon was obviously well kept, bright blue, almost like it was shiny....
Quote:
Glaceon nodded in agreement.
Quote:
Aaron had just stepped off the cruise ship with his pal Glaceon, and it was a beautiful day. "I guess you'll want to get back in your ball, huh? Return! I wonder if I'll have a good challenge here like I did in Sinnoh..." Aaron thought to himself aloud.
Quote:
Aaron turned around "Hm? No need to yell, I'm not that far away. And as for the battle, that would be a no, I just got into town and I want to relax for a bit." He didn't want to show his prize pokemon to someone who obviously just got their pokemon a week ago.
Okay, how does he know the girl so obviously only got her first Pokemon a week ago?

Quote:
"Hmph, you must think you're that good, huh? Well I have news for you buddy, I'm not the average pushover. Don't let my looks fool you. You must think I got my registration out a cereal box, huh? Sabrina asked with a sting.
Quote:
Aaron looked up in surprise, this girl was out of the norm. She was unique in a lot of ways, and articulate too. "Well if you insist, we can battle tomorrow. Where may I find the Pokemon Center?" His statements and his questions contained much more respect than before.
Okay, that's the first part done.

Short, choppy sentences, and a lot of flaws in realism, and some grammar/spelling mistakes, which, you know, I corrected, because I'm a saint.

Quote:
Comments and constructive are deeply appreciated.
If you want 'em that much you can go and review Operation Main Frame for me now, after all, if this meant so much to you, you'll gladly pay me back, right? No, you won't, so try to never do something like that again, it gives a really bad impression to your readers.

Now, on to the story... The description could be a lot better, I'd advise you to read various fan fics here to see how people are described in different styles, and see if you can make your style somewhat different than the current robotic one you have now.

The sentences are short and choppy, add flavour to them, okay? And describe Aaron's surroundings... Rather than just saying that he stepped off the cruise boat, why not say he got off the blue and white cruise boat? I mean, that is incredibly basic, but it looks better to what you have down there.

Keep it to the same font and size.

This plot looks rather interesting, to say the least... If you listen to the reviews that you get, if you get any, seeing as you have so little self esteem as to whether or not you will get them, listen to them, they only want to help you improve.

Also, there are loads of realism flaws... He walks off the boat and gets challenged, and he knows somehow that she only got her Pokemon a week ago. Please explain how he knew.

Right, I'll come back later to do chapter one.
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  #3    
Old January 15th, 2008 (04:06 PM).
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Light Yagami Light Yagami is offline
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Actually he didn't actually know, he simply judged on her appearance, also thanks for the criticsm. I will refrain for, lets say "begging" for reviews. Only I would certaintly hate to be writing crap, seeing as it got no reviews. I will defenitely take the aforementioned review under consideration.
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Old January 15th, 2008 (04:52 PM).
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Light Yagami Light Yagami is offline
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Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: the Kanto Region
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"You see I don't like it when someone defeats my apprentices, it doesn't look good for my image." Said a rather old and perturbed man. He looked like a ninja right out of Aaron's old picture books. He wore a black Bandanna, patchy clothes, with burns on them, and sandals.

"I didn't know this was a costume party." Laughed Aaron." I see, and is Sabrina your apprentice? Are you good enough to even have an apprentice?" Aaron may have joked around, but even he couldn't shake off the power that seemed to eminate from this old Trainer.

"I have seen all this pokemon world has to offer. I've been to all the regions so far and have over 100 pokemon. Do not underestimate my looks and take my age for weakness. Ok hotshot, you think you're so tough, we'll have a battle tomorrow at noon." declared the Mystery Ninja as he strided away on the dirt road out of Lilycove. Winds blew and tumbleweeds past by, almost like an old western.

"Ookay your 'master' is a little out of it" Aaron laughed to Sabrina. He was making a circular motion around his head with his index finger and laughing. Maybe his antics could help push back the doubts swirling around in his mind.

"Never ever insult my teacher in front of me. He is the wisest and kindest man you'll ever meet. He took me in when I was six and taught me everything I know. His name is...well actually I don't know, I know him only as Teacher. Like he said, he has been to many regions; he was the the Hoenn and Johto League Champ at one time too." Her respect for this man was all too evident.

"Well I am the Sinnoh League Champ, and no old buzzard is going to beat me! yelled Aaron with determination. His older sister Cameron was rated in the top five for best international coordinator, his older brother Derek made Kanto and and Johto League Champ, Aaron was tired of being overshadowed. People always referred to him as Derek's little pipsqueak, or Cameron's little bro. He felt that if he could beat every League, he would stand above both Cameron and Derek.

This was when Sabrina had enough and clocked Aaron upside the head. This left Aaron with a huge, red,thumping knot on his head and with confusion as he came back from his reverie.

"What was that for!!!" hollered Aaron while tears ran down his face. It reminded him of the time he peeked in the women's spa in Lavaridge town when he was on vacation, Cameron had hit him so hard he blacked out.

"You can't say I didn't warn you," shrugged Sabrina. "Well I guess we oughta head to the pokemon center huh?" And with that fake apology she dragged Aaron to the Pokemon Center since his eyes were still streaming with tears from the blow she had given him.

As they walked into the room, they saw worn out trainers all around. A trainer was sipping coffee as he looked over to the recovery room.

"Well your pokemon will be fine with my TLC, leave them here with me for a couple of hours., Although the skiploom might take a while longer, that must have been some attack." Beamed Nurse Joy.

" But Nurse Joy.....what am I supposed to do for all that time without my pokemon?" whined Sabrina as she stomped her foot.

Aaron could tell this girl got her way with everything, he tried to imagine things like that at his house. Nope, only Princess Cameron and Prince Derek got their way there.They even got to pick their first pokemon! When he was at the lab, Cameron insisted on him taking the Evee, saying how cute it was. He had told her he wasn't looking for cute but even then she had picked up the Evee and before he knew it he had starting liking it. Training was another story, and he quickly regretted being persuaded away from the Chimchar he had seen.

"I'm sorry but I can't help it. Your pokemon took serious damage. Who could you of possibly battled? Nurse Joy asked with concern.

"That would be me" Aaron said as he took his pokeballs from the Pokemon center's Chansey. He had just registered. "Thanks chanseyl I wonder, how I'm supposed to challenge this--Sabrina shot him a warning glance--Teacher guy if he leaves town." asked Aaron.

"Oh he'll show, he never goes back on his word" Sabrina said with deep respect.

Aaron treated Sabrina to a meal at the city's diner, he felt he owed her that much after defeaing her. Sabrina never shy, ordered everything on the menu. "When I said I'd treat you to dinner, I never knew you'd have the apetite of a Snorlax. You know how many battles I'll have to win to pay off this meal, you'd better enjoy it." mused Aaron.

"Why is it that you always have to complain, you're like an old woman." joked Sabrina as she crammed even more food down her mouth.

So Aaron enjoyed his meal and Sabrina enjoyed hers, even though he complained the whole time, he took Sabrina to a pokemon puppet show. He'd never admit he liked it but he did. She had grown on him and vice-versa. When the night ended Sabrina went to the Pokemon Center to see about her pokemon, Aaron knew he couldn't get any more attached, he knew he had a path and she had hers. So he payed for a night in the Inn, tomorrow he would beat the old man and would start his quest for badges so that he could be the Hoenn League Champ.
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  #5    
Old January 15th, 2008 (04:53 PM).
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iLike2EatPiez iLike2EatPiez is offline
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Quote:
His name is Aaron, he was the Sinnoh league champ and he refuses to lose.
Tell us this in the story. Side notes won't do in a fanfic.

Quote:
It will be a two on two, agreed?
Then why does Sabrina use Torkoal, Manectric, and Skiploom? And if it was her fury and urge to win that made her break the rule, then Aaron should have thought or spoke about how that went against the rules of the battle, as an experienced trainer such as himself could be expected to do.

Quote:
Gastrodon couldn't hit it with Water Pulse, Hidden Power, or Body Slam and Earthquake.
It's a fanfic, not a video game. Pokemon wouldn't realisticaly be limited to four moves and have such poor memory they couldn't recall more, would they? It's in the games to make it fair for players, but in the real world it generally makes more sense to just let them use moves they can learn freely and most certainly not tell the readers what all of them are.

Meh. The chapters are short, it could use better description, and so far it seems to just be fairly average. Some better sentence-fluency could help as well. At least it's not another brand-new-trainer-with-a-starter-journey though. The originality of the trainer being from Sinnoh helps it a bit.
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Old January 15th, 2008 (04:59 PM).
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Light Yagami Light Yagami is offline
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Join Date: Jun 2007
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I loved, absolutely loved the review. I never noticed it before, thankyou. I think I was looking for grammar mistakes so much, I missed story structure. Four ateacks just seemed like a general rule, I am happy to know I may give them more than four.

~Flames~
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Old January 15th, 2008 (05:05 PM).
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TurtleKing TurtleKing is offline
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"He just had put on a fresh t-shirt, blue jeans, and his favorite blue running shoes"

Alright, no offense, but that is the corniest character attire. Describe it a bit more. His blue jeans were faded and had two pockets on the back. His blue-t-shirt extended past his elbow. His blue running shoes were sort of dirty, because they were his favorite shoes and he wore them a lot.

Also, you didn't really introduce Sabrina in the first chapter. You just kind of stated her name after a quote.

"The Pidgey were chirping and and it was sunny."

And and. Describe the weather more than just "sunny". The wind was blowing gently. Leaves were ruslting. The humidity was intense and moist.

"Can we finally have this battle?!?" Sabrina asked with a screech.

Where in the world did she come from? She literally came out of no where. You have to describe when she approaches.
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