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  #1    
Old February 10th, 2008 (05:58 PM). Edited February 10th, 2008 by conicteam.
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Note: I used Word.




The Father of Ash







One day Ash, a 12 year old boy, was walking down the streets of Richmond in Hanover with Pikachu, Connor, Dawn, and Brock. When they stopped to look, they saw a house, but it was not just any house. They stepped inside the home.

“I guess nobody uses the door bell anymore,” laughed a sweet male voice. The man turned around and said, “Is that you Ash?” Ash nodded. The man ran over to Ash and hugged him. Ash squeezed him back, even though he didn’t know him.
“Who is he Connor,” asked Brock.

“I’ll use the Fame Checker V2,” Connor replied, “Here it is! This guy’s name is Jerry Seinfeld, err I mean Jerry Ketchum.”
Ash looked at Connor like he was crazy.

“So you’re my dad, right Jerry,” Ash asked. Jerry nodded. Just then, Team Rocket came in, and shot Ash’s long lost sister, who was just getting up.

“NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO,” Jerry cried, “Why did you kill Sarah?” The thug pulled out a jewel from her pocket.

“I killed her for the Poke Stone. It can make any Pokemon into a piece of candy,” the thug replied. Jerry was furious. Ash was about to tell Pikachu to shock him when suddenly, he was knocked out by the head thug, Joe Martin.

Ash woke up feeling like he was just hit by a baseball bat.
“Ash, are you okay,” Dawn asked.

“Not really,” Ash replied, “but I’ll be fine later.” Brock was in the other room talking to Jerry.
“So, why did you leave PalletTown when Ash was 1 year old,” Brock asked.
“I don’t really remember,” Jerry replied, “I believed I was on vacation.” Ash finally recovered, and he was running toward Team Rocket HQ with his friends.
“Oh, why hello Ash,” Giovanni said.
“Hello Giovanni,” Ash shouted.
“Ready to battle Ash,” Giovanni asked.
“Ready,” Ash replied. They both battled with grace, but Ash was the true winner.
So Ash got the stone and crushed it. Surprisingly, Sarah was brought back to life. So Ash turned out okay, but Sarah was diagnosed with type 1 diabetes. 2 weeks later, she died.
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  #2    
Old February 10th, 2008 (08:56 PM).
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O...k..That was a bit...unique.
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  #3    
Old February 11th, 2008 (02:56 AM).
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I'm glad you liked it
To tell you the truth I was planning to put Jerry Oak in it, but that's too many Jerries to remember :/
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  #4    
Old February 11th, 2008 (12:36 PM).
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Don't you mean Gary Oak? Who is Jerry Oak? If I am wrong and there is a Jerry Oak, PM me, or post another.
Otherwise that was very interesting. You can put the Jerry, or Gary, person in the next chapter.
That was a chapter, right?
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Old February 11th, 2008 (12:39 PM).
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This was created as a joke, right?
  #6    
Old February 11th, 2008 (12:52 PM).
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Chapter 2

“Are we there yet Ash,” whined Dawn.
“Shut up Dawn,” Ash and Connor yelled. Our heroes have just saved Pokemon from being turned into pieces of candy. They then beat the gym leader, Tim Kane, and are now going to North folk.

“Ash let me tell you something,” Jerry shouted, “When I was 10, which was 30 years ago, I was a serious Pokemon trainer.” Ash was surprised and exclaimed, “Really?”

“Yep,” Jerry replied, “but I’m not anymore, aw I’m kidding. I’m still a serious Pokemon Trainer.” Ash was really surprised. Pikachu cried, “Pika?” Jerry translated and shouted, “Pikachu said “What did you say,”. Ash laughed so hard that he almost choked on his lunch.

Suddenly, a black man with a colorful sweater was crossing the street.
“Zip! Sop! Oh no,” the man shouted, “I forgot my book. Nope, I didn’t. It’s in my pocke-” He was about to be ran over by their truck when suddenly, Jerry pushed on the brakes.

“Are you okay sir,” Jerry asked.
“I’m fine,” the man replied.
“Who are you,” Jerry asked.
“I’m Bill Cosby,” Bill replied, “and you are?”
“I’m Jerry Seinfeld, I mean Jerry Ketchum,” Jerry shouted. They both had a laughing good time.

Finally, they reached North Folk.

“They it is,” Ash exclaimed, “the gym!” Ash went into the gym and he met the leader.

“Welcome young trainer,” the leader said, “I’m Barbra Terrell, and you are?”

“I’m Ash and I’m 12 years old,” Ash exclaimed.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Quote:

Don't you mean Gary Oak? Who is Jerry Oak? If I am wrong and there is a Jerry Oak, PM me, or post another.
Otherwise that was very interesting. You can put the Jerry, or Gary, person in the next chapter.
That was a chapter, right?
Jerry Oak is Samuel Oak's brother. I will put Jerry Oak in Chapter 3, this is chapter 2.
Quote:
This was created as a joke, right?
Jerry Seinfeld/ Jerry Ketchum thing is a joke, but this story is something to show people what I can do, plus as a plot for a sprite comic.
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  #7    
Old February 11th, 2008 (03:23 PM).
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When did they get into a truck?
And also these places are kind of strange. "Richmond in Hanover" "North folk" What in the world is that? "Jerry Seinfeld" "Conner" "Bill Cosby" "Barbra Terrell" "Joe Martin" "Tim Kane"
strange. very strange.
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Old February 11th, 2008 (03:40 PM).
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Unique, very unique, the fact that you got actors to be in you chapters is kind of funny too by the way.
The part about the sister getting diabetes though, was one of the strangest things I've ever read. 0____0
  #9    
Old February 11th, 2008 (05:09 PM).
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Chapter 3

“Oh, a 12 year old trainer,” Barbra replied, “Are you ready to battle?”

“Ready,” Ash exclaimed.
“GO! Staryu,” Barbra exclaimed.
“GO! Pikachu,” Ash exclaimed, “Pikachu use Thunder Bolt!” Pikachu attacked fiercely and made Staryu faint.
“Go! Starmie,” Barbra exclaimed, “Starmie use Water Pulse!”
“Dodge, and use Thunder,” Ash exclaimed. Starmie fainted
“Wahoo! We won,” Ash shouted.
“Excellent work Ash,” Barbra shouted, “Here’s the VCU badge!”

Next, Connor stepped onto the field.
“Mom! You’ve lost weight,” Connor exclaimed. Barbra blushed and said, “Thanks for noticing. Now let’s battle! GO! Mudkip!”
“GO! Pikadude,” Connor exclaimed, “Use Thunder Punch!” Mudkip fainted.
“I’m proud of you Connor! Here’s the VCU badge,” Barbra exclaimed.
“Good job Connor,” said a familiar voice.
“Jerry Oak,” Connor asked and turned around, “It is you Jerry Oak! How are you doing?”
“I’m doing fine thank you,” Jerry said, “Though me and Sam are having another family feud, we’re happy.”
“Great job Ash,” exclaimed Prof.S. Oak.
“Prof. Oak,” exclaimed Ash.
“Which one,” Jerry Oak asked.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Quote:
Unique, very unique, the fact that you got actors to be in you chapters is kind of funny too by the way.
The part about the sister getting diabetes though, was one of the strangest things I've ever read. 0____0
Thanks.
Note: most of the things in this story come from VA
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  #10    
Old February 11th, 2008 (06:25 PM).
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Chapter 4


“Huh,” Ash said, “Why are there 2 of you?” Connor, Jerry Oak, and Prof.S Oak were laughing up a storm!

“Ash, I’m Sam Oak,” Sam Oak said, “and this is Jerry Oak.”
“Oh,” Ash replied. So our heroes got into the car and headed over to Williamsburg.
“Ah, Virginia,” Bill Cosby said, “a states rich with history.”
“Yep,” Jerry said, “This city has the most.” Suddenly, the car gets a flat tire.
“Aw crap,” Jerry exclaimed, “I have to patch the tire.” Suddenly, they saw a blue blur speed past them.
“Who and what is that,” Ash asked.
“I’ll use my Fame Checker,” Connor replied, “Huh, no it can’t be!”
“What is it Connor,” Ash asked.
“This guy’s name is Sonic the Hedgehog,” Connor replied. Ash fainted.
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  #11    
Old February 11th, 2008 (06:50 PM).
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Okay, I've let this go long enough.

I highly suggest that you get rid of the enlarged bold font. It's annoying. Keep your font to the default forum font instead of changing it.

Now your chapters are just getting shorter and shorter. The first chapter didn't bother me. This recent chapter, at barely half a page, is starting to grate on me. Lengthen your chapters with actual plot, not by making the font bigger to make it look longer.

Just take a little longer on these chapters. Don't spend only an hour and sixteen minutes writing a chapter. Take a longer time on it, work on it, make it better.

For now, that's all I'm asking. Fix the font. Make the chapters longer.
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Old February 12th, 2008 (04:04 AM).
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Chapter 5


Ash finally woke up.
“Sonic the Hedgehog,” Ash asked, “is my best friend, besides Pikachu.”
“Pikachu,” Pikachu exclaimed, “CHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!”


“Whoa,” Sonic exclaimed, “a yellow mouse.”
“PI-KA-CHUUUUUUUUUUUUU,” Pikachu cried. Pikachu shocked Sonic.
“YAAAAAAAAAAAH,” Sonic cried. Sonic fainted.
“Pika,” Pikachu sighed. Our heroes brought Sonic to the nearest hospital.
“Wha- what happened,” Sonic asked.
“Pikachu shocked you,” Ash replied.
“You mean that yellow mouse,” Sonic asked.
“PI-KA-CHU,” Pikachu cried.
“Pikachu stop,” Ash exclaimed. Pikachu stopped trying to shock Sonic. The hedgehog said he was 16 years old. Ash never met a blue talking hedgehog. They got back in the car with the tire repaired. They were getting close to Williamsburg for a rest, and a history filled vacation!

“Here we are,” Bill Cosby exclaimed, “Williamsburg, Virginia.” They were so excited. Suddenly, they ran into Misty, May, Tracey, and Max.

“What are you guys doing here,” Ash asked.

“Taking a vacation,” Misty replied, “and who’s behind you besides Bill Cosby and Brock?”
“They are, Connor, who is 11, Jerry Ketchum, who is 40 years old, and Sonic the Hedgehog, who is 16,” Ash replied. So they got to the shared room between Ash, Jerry, Bill, Sonic, Connor, Misty, May, and Max. Sonic made himself a 100 m track. He ran across that track every day.

Then, they went to Colonial Williamsburg. They were amazed at the history, especially Bill Cosby. Ash was in a colonial boy suit, and Dawn was in a colonial girl suit.

Suddenly, Team Rocket came and punched Bill Cosby.
“Why did you punch a comedian,” Ash asked.
“He had this gem with him,” The thug replied. He pulled out the gem from his pocket.

“That’s a chaos emerald,” Sonic exclaimed.
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  #13    
Old February 20th, 2008 (05:29 PM).
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Very funny overall, really enjoyed it and I even laughed out loud a few times too keep up the good work!
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  #14    
Old February 29th, 2008 (04:11 PM). Edited February 29th, 2008 by conicteam.
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Chapter 6

“Chaos what,” Ash asked.

“A chaos emerald,” Sonic replied, “is a mystical gem that gives you ultimate power. Only Dr.Eggman, Chris, and moulbians know about them.”
“I prefer to be called Dr.Robotnik,” Dr.Eggman shouted.
“Oh no, it’s Dr.Eggman,” Sonic shouted, “Why did you knock out Bill Cosby, besides the emerald?”
“What? You have to be kidding me,” Eggman muttered. He looked at his feet. Sonic was right! Eggman did knock out Bill Cosby!
“Err, got to go,” Eggman shouted. Eggman dashed to his hideout, Robotnik HQ.

“Crap,” Sonic exclaimed, “now what?” Sonic was so angry!

So Ash and the gang went to Robotnik HQ, but they briefly stopped at Burger King.
Welcome to Burger King may take your order,” the order man stated.
“I’ll have a triple whopper,” Bill Cosby replied.
“I’ll have a double whopper,” Sonic replied.
“I’ll have a quarter pounder,” Ash replied.
“Pika Pika Chu (I’ll have a whopper),” Pikachu replied.
“I’ll have a double whopper,” Jerry replied. The rest got whoppers.

So Ash and the gang went to Robotnik HQ, but they discovered a truth that Sonic was surprised about. Eggman is a Pokemon trainer, but Sonic was as well. Sonic reached Eggman’s office.
“You ready to die Sonic,” Eggman asked.
“Oh I’m ready,” Sonic replied. Sonic was about to attack Eggman with a Kamehameha when suddenly, Eggman sent out a Pokemon.
“GO! Empoleon,” Eggman shouted.
“So that’s how you want to fight,” Sonic shouted, “Okay! GO! Pikachu!”
“Empoleon use Surf,” Eggman exclaimed.
“Dodge and use Thunder,” Sonic exclaimed. Empoleon fainted.
“ That’s my only Pokemon too,” Eggman whined.
--------------------------------------------------------
Quote originally posted by Platidus:
Very funny overall, really enjoyed it and I even laughed out loud a few times too keep up the good work!
Thanks! I'm glad you like it!
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  #15    
Old March 1st, 2008 (04:37 PM).
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Now I could go on forever with this, but everything has to end to at some point, and this is TFOA (The Father of Ash) 1's end, but if you like all 7 chapters I'll make a sequel.
So I'll leave it with these remarks : And in the end, the love you take, is equal to the love, you make- The Beatles The End from Abbey Road 1969.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Chapter 7 (final chapter)

Sonic defeated Eggman, and he went back with Ash and the gang. While they were getting back into the car, they could distinctly hear Eggman shout, “You may have won this round, but I’ll be back!” They went back on the journey, but Jerry didn’t come with them. Instead, Bill Cosby and Sonic joined Ash and the gang.
“Bye Ash,” Jerry exclaimed, “I hope we meet again!” For now, we’ll never know. We can only conclude that they’ll meet again someday. While they were going to the next city, they met Fat Albert. He was a plump African-American that loved to make jokes like Bill Cosby does, and he knew Bill Cosby as a child and grew up with him.

So our heroes journey to Portsmouth for the next gym badge, but will they ever reach it before Team Rocket gets there?


To be continued in The Father of Ash 2 (if there is going to be one)……..
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  #16    
Old March 2nd, 2008 (03:36 AM).
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Cool.Write!Encouragement for you.Your story is good.Just simply can't describe it.
  #17    
Old March 2nd, 2008 (06:01 AM).
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Thanks, but it'll take more people for me to be convinced that they want a sequel.
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  #18    
Old March 2nd, 2008 (08:39 PM).
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OMG! I loved this story! I sure wish I could write as good as you do. Your talented.

Please write another fan-fiction.
  #19    
Old March 3rd, 2008 (06:13 PM).
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Quote originally posted by Wilt:
OMG! I loved this story! I sure wish I could write as good as you do. Your talented.

Please write another fan-fiction.
I'm Working on one right now, but it's not Father of Ash 2. It's called Ash's son
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  #20    
Old March 20th, 2008 (05:22 PM).
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Are you not taking Astinus' advice? She trying to help you. The chapters are way too short.

Another thing...it's kinda bland. There's literally no punctuation.

But I guess I'm too late. It's finished.

On the plus side...it's random. I like random...you can't tell from how I act, though. Bill Cosby, Jerry Seinfield? I was rolling...heh. Probably one of the funniest fics on here.
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  #21    
Old March 20th, 2008 (11:51 PM).
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Like it has been said before you desperately need to lengthen your chapters. You have almost no detail in your chapters at all. Its all very one sided

Quote:
Just then, Team Rocket came in, and shot Ash’s long lost sister, who was just getting up.
Now you could put so much detail in this one sentence its not even funny. You need to learn to use some detail in your chapters. Just try and ramble on about everything you see in your mind. The more detail you have in your chapters the easier it is for the reader to understand the story.

As for the story it seems a tad cliche. I would recommend writing a serious fanfic before writing a Chew On This fanfic.

(Chew On This: Something that is very random and has almost no story arcs or main characters)
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  #22    
Old March 26th, 2008 (11:07 AM).
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COULD SOMEONE PLEEEEEEEEEEEASE CLOSE THIS THREAD!!!!!!! The fic is over and I can't work on any more until after spring break since I didn't bring my laptop but I'm using a PC in the PC room.
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  #23    
Old March 26th, 2008 (12:18 PM).
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When a fic is finished the thread doesn't need to be closed. You should only ask for closure if you positive the fic will never reach its conclusion or if it's being spammed up.
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Old March 26th, 2008 (12:57 PM).
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Also, if I don't check every thread in this section, I never would have seen your post. So if you want a thread closed, PM the moderator of the section, and it's up to their decision if the thread gets closed or not.

Like Gummy said, just because a fic is finished doesn't mean the thread gets closed. It remains open so that people can continue to review the story and give advice, which the author should follow.

And using caps-lock just makes me ignore you anyhow.

The thread remains open.
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Old March 26th, 2008 (01:16 PM).
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Terrible grammar, and story. Also- Jerry Seinfeld? They're not allowed to know that they're in TVland. Only the trio (rocket trio) knows that they're in a TV. Wii, references... yeah, that's mostly it.
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