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  #1    
Old March 15th, 2008 (07:25 PM). Edited April 7th, 2008 by Alli.
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This is my first fic on this site, and second in general. Actually, this one only has one chapter written and I have no idea what's bound to happen next, while the other was completly planned out. But this one is much better than the other. It's not shippy enough to be a shipping fic, but it's got its moments. Enjoy...oh, and I'm sorry this chapter is mainly description and action...I promise that there'll be more dialogue in Chapter 2.

PG-13 due to:
Bloodshed
Mild Language
Sexual Content
Alcohol Reference

Just A Brother

Chapter One: Discoveries

Why I always seem to find her at the wrong moments, I'll never quite know. It's almost as if she knows when I am near and does the things she does just to hurt me. No. No, she can't do that...she cares enough to not do that. But everytime I want to tell her, what I've kept inside, she's with him. Not that I dislike him...I just hate that he holds the position in her life that I wish I had. I am no more than a little brother to her. It's time to accept the fact that I, Silver, will never be more of a 'brother from another mother' to her...that girl named Blue...

The academy bell had rung half an hour ago. Suddenly, the navy blue front doors burst open and a teenage boy briskly ran out of the large white schoolhouse, his long red hair waving behind him in his rush. His loosely worn silver tie flapped against his white, untucked button-up shirt. He stopped at the marble Noctowl statue that stood at the academy entrance. It seemed to loom over all who approached it and gave a cold stare at anyone who looked. The adolescent looked up from the ground and gave a silver-eyed gaze back at it.

"Creepy. But that's what dad told me...'Silver, son, that creepy old statue will give you nightmares!'", he imitated. "Speaking of him, I'd best be getting back..."

Silver reached into the pocket of his black dress pants and took out his watch. The digital clock read five after four. Silver reached for his satchel that had fallen around his waist and pulled out a folded up piece of paper. It was slightly wrinkled in its attempt to be folded perfectly. Many words were visible through the worn sheet. On one side, it read 'Blue' as its recipient, written in fine black ink, slightly chicken scratch-cursive written. Silver stared at it as he fiddled with it between his middle and index fingers. All day, rather than his schoolwork, he had been thinking of what to write to her. Actually, he had been wondering how to tell her his feelings for a long time now.

"I hope this will explain...everything..." Silver whispered to himself.

The marble Noctowl still casted its cold glare on Silver. The boy ignored it and started walking toward the Viridian Forest, while clutching the note in his hand, ending his day at Pewter City Pokemon Academy.

~~~

Silver started to quicken his pace to where he was fast walking. He wandered into the forest, hoping he would find Blue on his way home. The many trees welcomed his presence by dancing in reaction to the wind. Silver stopped and looked upward. The sun was obscured by a fluff of clouds, while the visible part of the sky turned a dreadful shade of grey.

"Damnit...", Silver muttered under his breath. Again, he started to hasten through the forest, still holding tightly to the note. "It's gonna rain...just when I thought it was gonna be a nice day..." he sighed as he jammed the note into his pocket, but then he slowly pulled it back out and stopped to stare at it.

I hope you can understand...we're getting too old for this, he thought, clutching the note fiercely.

As he began walking, he heard a rustling and a giggling-type noise coming from behind a large bushel of shrubs that were hidden by a large oak tree. Silver slowly crept behind the tree and put his back against the trunk and quietly slid down to the ground. He heard a familiar giggle and his heart started pounding furiously. Silver started to crawl into the bushes to see what was happening beyond them. Once inside a bush, he used his shaking hands to move a few leaves to create a peep hole, the twigs and branches scratching his hands. What he saw through the hole made his heart sink...it was Blue.

She was wearing her light blue shirt and red mini-skirt. Her long brown hair seemed to shimmer, despite the lack of sunlight. There were arms wrapped around her securely. The limbs belonged to him...Green. He was smiling down at her, his spiky brown hair slightly in his eyes. He was wearing a black polo with the collar pointed upward and purple cargo pants. His emerald green eyes gazed into Blue's cerelean blue eyes and their lips moved closer and engaged into a passionate kiss. Silver watched from the bush and his scratched hands were now trembling and bleeding, bloodstaining the note in his hand. He continued to watch in despair as the girl he loved kissed him. Blue and Greens' lips pulled apart and both curved into a smile. Silver's heart began to skip beats and he felt as if his heart had sunk and hid somewhere behind his liver. His grip on the note tightened and he then bolted from the bush towards Viridian City, Blue and Green not taking any notice.

As Silver ran, he fought the pain in his heart and hands. He couldn't take what he had just seen...
  #2    
Old March 15th, 2008 (11:22 PM).
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Aww, poor Silver...

Not a bad beginning - a good introduction there - good set up work there. The concept is certianly not bad - but I do wonder - is this based on any canon characters? (if so, I'm thinking the manga - I have no idea about that, so forgive me for my ignorance...)

Sometimes things moved a bit too fast - try to slow down things just a tad, by including more description (it's pretty good however) - maybe more 'ranting (for lack of a better word) on Silver's annoyance with Blue might help slow things down. Also, space things out a bit more, so it doesn't looked so clumped - is easier on the eyes.
[I]
Quote:
It's time to accept the fact that I, Silver, will never be more of a 'brother from another mother' of her...that girl named Blue...
Of, not ot.
Quote:
while clutching the note in his hand, ending his day and Pewter City Pokemon Academy.
Seems uncomfortable, and confused me...

Quote:
"I hope you can understand...we're getting too old for this..." he thought, clutching the note fiercely.

Formatting issue - tag didn't work.

Quote:
Blue and Greens' lips pulled apart and both curved into a smile. Silver's heart began to skip beats and he felt as if his heart had sunk and hidden somewhere behind his liver. His grip on the note tightened and he then bolted from the bush towards Viridian City, Blue and Green not taking any notice.
'Hidden doesn't seem quite right - hidden maybe should be 'hid'. Also, he's bolting might have been transferred to a separete sentence, and have more about how 'devastated' he was in place there, for added effect. Just a suggestion.

Not bad overall, however. Keep it up!
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  #3    
Old March 16th, 2008 (07:15 AM).
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Wow. Thanks.

Fixed all that, except for the bolting part. But yeah, I really have no clue what's gonna happen in chapter two. I actually thought of the first chapter and then wrote it....hoping it would go better than my ViridianShipping fic on Serebii. X.x But I can tell you that you can continue to say "Awww, poor Silver..."

Anyway, I'll try not to rush it. But this one did go at a slower pace than the other...I'm kinda comparing them a bit. Eh. Well, thanks for reading...

Oh, and yeah, these are the manga characters. They're the only people I could ever think to write about, especially Silver...
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  #4    
Old March 19th, 2008 (04:40 PM). Edited March 21st, 2008 by Alli.
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This is chapter two...a tad long. X.x But I'm sure you'll manage. And just so I can be clear on one thing, it's good for the reader to have a little imagination, so if something's not completly described, that's your oppurtunity to take in your own thoughts. Just something I try to do...anyway, enjoy.

Just A Brother

Chapter Two: Arrival

There is nothing that can truly comfort me...only time will allow my heart--and hands-- to heal. It doesn't feel as it can be aleviated of this pain. My heart was ripped out and stampeded by a herd of Tauros, left to rot on the ground. Unwanted. Unloved. Rejected. And yet...I still have a flicker of hope...

Silver ran out of the Viridian Forest and into Virdian City, his hands bleeding and clutching the note. The buildings were all a blur as he rushed past. As he came closer to his small, two-story brick house, he reached out his free hand and turned th knob. The white door flung open and hit the wall as Silver ran inside and body slammed onto the tan-colored couch, keeping his hands in the air to prevent staining it.


His father, Giovanni, was in the small kitchen. The refridgerator door was wide open as Giovanni searched for ingredients to cook him and Silver a meal. He was wearing a black suit, and continued with his raid on the refridgerator as his son suddenly screamed into the couch. Giovanni rubbed his short, dark-brown hair, not looking at Silver.

"What d'you want for dinner?" Giovanni asked, still paying his son no mind.

Silver sat up and looked at the note in his hands. It was covered in blood and wrinkled more than it had been. He put the note in his pocket and looked at his hands. They were covered in dry blood and fresh blood continued to pour out of the scratches, which were deeper than Silver had thought.

"Well?" Giovanni asked again.

"I'm not hungry..." Silver replied quietly.

Giovanni turned to look at Silver. He noticed that his hands were almost completely drenched in blood.

"Son, why are your hands bleeding?" he asked while staring at Silver's hands in horror.

"My hands...", Silver whispered to himself. "I don't care what's happened to them. My heart's bleeding even worse than this, father, so what does it matter what happened to my hands?" Silver said as he continued to stare blankly at his hands.

Giovanni looked at his son confused, and then remebered something.

"Why were you forty minutes late?"

"Feh!", Silver scoffed. "The Sardine gave me three licks. Took'em a million years to find the freakin' paddle."

"'The Sardine'?" Giovanni questioned.

"Mr. Livingston.", Silver corrected. He then gave a sad sigh. "I'm going to my room..."

Giovanni watched as his son slowly got up from the couch. Silver looked up at his father and their eyes met. They continued to stare at each other, SIlver wondering why his father made no effort to know the problem, and Giovanni searching for the right words. Just as he was about to speak, Silver stormed upstairs, slamming his bedroom door behind him.

Giovanni looked around at the white walls, and then at the stairs. "Teenagers..." he sighed. He went back to rumaging through the refrigerator.

~~~

Silver had flung himself onto his bed. The fluffy red blanket cushioned his fall. He grabbed his black pillow and buried his face into it and screamed. He lay there with his face planted into his pillow for a few minutes and then sat up and looked around his room. It wasn't much-- snow white walls, a chestnut desk with a computer and a black trash can filled with paper wads underneath, and a matching chestnut nightstand next to the bed he now sat on.

There was a large window on the south wall of his room with a chair next to it, as if someone had spent countless hours gazing out of it. Silver approached the chair and sat in it to look out the window. It was pouring down rain outside and the thunder cackled in the distance. Silver felt as if the falling rain was a sign that the sky mourned for him.

"We are too alike...", he sighed as he looked toward the forest, remembering Blue and, jealously, Green. "I wonder...?"

Silver reached into his satchel, that was still around his waist, and pulled out Honchkrow's Poke Ball and released it. Honchkrow gave a croaking squak upon being let out. He was a big black crow with a white, feathery fluff on his chest and pink tail feathers. His witch's hat gave a slight bobble.
"Honchkrow, I need you to fly into the forest and look for Blue...", he paused for a moment. Honchkrow looked at him, a little confused by the sudden silence. "And Green," Silver added.

He opened the window and the rain plummeted in.

"Eeeeugh...ummm...well, if you think you're up to it...", he said nervously while scratching his head. Honchkrow saw this as no challenge and spread his wings and flew straight out the window, into the thunderstorm to fullfill his trainer's wishes.

"Aaaaaand....I guess you are,"

~~~

Downstairs, Giovanni was spreading mayonaise onto a slice of wheat bread. The front door was still wide open.

Splish. Splash. Splish. Splash.

Footsteps from the marshy outdoors approached.

"Hey, Mr. G! It is pouring outside! Thanks for leaving the door open!" a young man at the front door said.

Giovanni looked up and a teenage boy dressed like Silver, only with a gold tie and messy black hair sticking out from underneath a red cap, was standing at the doorstep. He was closing up a large red umbrella, but was still slightly damp.

"Oh....Gold. You're here..." Giovanni said grimly.
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  #5    
Old March 20th, 2008 (06:39 PM).
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Nice. Interesting (and yet slightly disturbing) actions from Silver. Good sense of dispair still carried through the story, and I wonder what Silver plans to do with Honchcrow finding Blue and Green. Gold's appearence is interesting as well... although I've spotted some things (as this is based on the Manga) that conflicts with my knowledge of GSC - the rival in DP is hinted to be 'Mr G''s ( ) son, but has red hair... and no mention of Silver being Giovanni's son. Odd, those differences from the game and manga - and Gold did have read hair... oh well. Just an interesting thing I picked up.

The description was pretty good here, actually, sometimes just a little bit clumsy, but rather good. I do however question Giovanni's lack of questioning Silver's 'blood-on-hands' thing (which was a bit overdone - more on that later) - a parent wouldn't not go after the kid and find out why, or dismiss it as down to 'teenagers', methinks...

Quote:
As he came closer to his small, two-story brick house, he reached out his free, but bloody, hand and turned the knob
Quote:
It was covered in blood and wrinkled more than it had been. He put the note in his pocket and looked at his hands. They were covered in dry blood and fresh blood continued to pour out of the scratches, which were deeper than Silver had thought.
It's a good idea and all (emo Silver as well?), but you've placed too much emphasis ont eh bloody hands. How many times did you mention it? Too often really - so it was a bit like 'Yes, you've already told us that his hands are bloody... no, not again...'. This would also be helped by descripting the 'bloddy hands' in a different way or using different phrases more often.

Quote:
"Son, why are your hands bleeding?" he asked, while staring at Silver's hands in horror.
Not really nesserary, but suggest the comma.

Quote:
My heart's bleeding even worse than this, ...(etc)
Besides the missing 'd', an interesting line, I daresay.
Quote:
"Honchkrow, I need you to fly into the forest and look for Blue...", he paused for a moment. Honchkrow looked at him, a little confused by the sudden silence. "...And Green," Silver added.
Don't put commas after the quotation mark - unnesserary. Also, a comma not a full stop for the 'and green' sentence.
Quote:
"Eeeeugh...ummm...well, if you think you're up to it...",
And again.

It was good - may a tad short as well, but somehow intriguing. And I'm not really the 'dark angsty' guy anyway - so good job on that. Wonder where this will go from here?
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Old March 21st, 2008 (07:14 AM). Edited March 21st, 2008 by Alli.
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Quote originally posted by bobandbill:
Nice. Interesting (and yet slightly disturbing) actions from Silver. Good sense of dispair still carried through the story, and I wonder what Silver plans to do with Honchcrow finding Blue and Green. Gold's appearence is interesting as well... although I've spotted some things (as this is based on the Manga) that conflicts with my knowledge of GSC - the rival in DP is hinted to be 'Mr G''s ( ) son, but has red hair... and no mention of Silver being Giovanni's son. Odd, those differences from the game and manga - and Gold did have read hair... oh well. Just an interesting thing I picked up.
Ah quite interesting, indeed. And yes...slighty disturbing, nonetheless. I realized that after I posted it....then again, I always realize something after I post it. X.x

Quote:
The description was pretty good here, actually, sometimes just a little bit clumsy, but rather good. I do however question Giovanni's lack of questioning Silver's 'blood-on-hands' thing (which was a bit overdone - more on that later) - a parent wouldn't not go after the kid and find out why, or dismiss it as down to 'teenagers', methinks...
A son he has just been reunited with recently...he doesn't know too much about him, like temper and such. I'd be afraid to ask, as well...also I haven't mentioned Silver's age. That comes in in chapter three, but you've been such a nice reveiwer...
Spoiler:
he's 17. Time to stay out of his business...



Quote:
It's a good idea and all (emo Silver as well?)
A tad emo, I should say. Not his fault, blame the bushes.

Quote:
It was good - may a tad short as well, but somehow intriguing. And I'm not really the 'dark angsty' guy anyway - so good job on that. Wonder where this will go from here?
Oh, it's going. It's going somewhere...
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  #7    
Old March 24th, 2008 (01:23 PM). Edited March 25th, 2008 by Alli.
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Well, I just finished writing chapter three today, so expect it sometime tomorrow, hopefully.

So far, this fic is doing faaaaaar better than my other...considering the other was a bit rushed.

This one seems like that other fics big brother or something. X.x Maybe that's where I got the name...;D Anyway, just check back tomorrow and maybe it'll be up.

EDIT: Due to personal problems, chapter three has a delay. Sorry guys. :(
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Old March 25th, 2008 (09:14 PM).
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hello, i just checked out the two chapters, and i would like to say, i agree, there are some typographical errors, but that was corrected, i am just gonna ask but, when will chapter three be posted?

I like the whole story thing, a cross between ChosenShipping and OldRivalShipping is it?
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Old March 26th, 2008 (09:33 PM).
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Hey. I've been lurking in the background, reading this and not posting for some reason. Anyways, I like it, but Silver seems a bit strange to me. I get that he's emotionally shattered from seeing his would-be girlfriend taken, but he seems a bit...I don't know...emotionally overwrought or something. He's both eloquent and inwardly turbulent, which I don't usually expect unless I'm reading Shakespeare or the like. Now, I understand that he's Giovanni's son, so maybe he's kind of "the rich mob boss' kid" and therefore slightly snobbish? That's not really the word I'm looking for though...I'm going for more of a "highly-educated-and-therefore-overly-pedantic-no-matter-what" sort of deal.

If that's so, then kudos. I'm fairly sure you have a completely original main character. An emo eloquent rich mob boss' son that just so happens to have just had his would-be girlfriend stolen. Lol. Yeah. I'll be reading this for sure.
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Old March 27th, 2008 (02:42 PM).
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Quote:
Hey. I've been lurking in the background, reading this and not posting for some reason. Anyways, I like it, but Silver seems a bit strange to me. I get that he's emotionally shattered from seeing his would-be girlfriend taken, but he seems a bit...I don't know...emotionally overwrought or something. He's both eloquent and inwardly turbulent, which I don't usually expect unless I'm reading Shakespeare or the like. Now, I understand that he's Giovanni's son, so maybe he's kind of "the rich mob boss' kid" and therefore slightly snobbish? That's not really the word I'm looking for though...I'm going for more of a "highly-educated-and-therefore-overly-pedantic-no-matter-what" sort of deal.

If that's so, then kudos. I'm fairly sure you have a completely original main character. An emo eloquent rich mob boss' son that just so happens to have just had his would-be girlfriend stolen. Lol. Yeah. I'll be reading this for sure.
Ah, someone who got what I was aiming for. Yeah, he pretty much is that...this is quite a dark storyline...

Quote:
hello, i just checked out the two chapters, and i would like to say, i agree, there are some typographical errors, but that was corrected, i am just gonna ask but, when will chapter three be posted?

I like the whole story thing, a cross between ChosenShipping and OldRivalShipping is it?
Well, I'm not sure. My mom thinks I'm gonna get snatched from talking on the internet, so if she hears excessive typing, then she freaks out...and I don't want her to know I write...or my subject of writing. And due to personal things, I'm not really sure when it'll go up. I'm hoping over the weekend.

And yes, it kinda is. But, I don't write about ships I support. I don't prefer ChosenShipping...I love OldRivalShipping, to be honest. You'll just have to see how it ends up.

Thanks for the reviews, you guys. It's people like you that keep writers motivated!
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  #11    
Old March 27th, 2008 (05:51 PM).
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I'm liking this fic, and I can't wait to read more. XP
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Old March 27th, 2008 (09:40 PM).
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This is one of the better fics I've read in a while. Although I don't support either of the pairings, its still a great to read. Unlike some people, I can look past the shipping detail and read it for the story. I can also say that I can relate to Silver's situation. I look forward to seeing more from you.
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Old March 28th, 2008 (07:54 AM).
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Wow, I love this. Of course, I love Silver loads. Like EmpoleMew, I don't support either pairing (actually, I don't support any pairing in PokéSpecial, lol), but your story is absolutely beautiful. Silver's plight makes me sad, and I hope that he ends up with Blue in the end.

I can't wait to see the next chapter. Keep it up!
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Old March 28th, 2008 (01:40 PM). Edited March 29th, 2008 by Alli.
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Wow. Thanks you guys. I actually don't like the pairing either...that's sad...I'm the author. xP But, I support the common ships, and everyone writes about those...so, I prefer to write about the lesser supported ships. Since you guys like this so much, here's chapter three. Oh yeah, there's a reference to my favorite band, and this chapter's main purpose is to pick up the gloom and set up the basis of chapter four. Enjoy!

Just A Brother

Chapter Three: Journey

They say talking to someone can help, but in my case, it just makes it worse...ninety percent of the time, anyway. So why screw up my situation more? There's no need talking to anyone. But I also realize that bottled up thoughts and feelings never solved anything. The truth is I do want to talk to someone...but the key word in that is 'someone'...and whether or not I can get to this someone remains questioned...

Gold stepped into the house and leaned his umbrella against the wall.

"Okay, okay. Where is that troublemaking son of yours?" Gold asked while searching the den.

"In his room, Gold." Giovanni replied as he got back to his sandwhich making.

"Thanks, Mr. G!" Gold shouted as he ran upstairs.

"I wish he'd stop calling me Mr. G..." Giovanni muttered while still spreading mayonaise.

~~~
Silver was rinsing the blood off his hands with the rain outside when he heard a loud knock on his door followed by, "Open up! It's the police!"

Silver got up from the chair and walked to the door and started to turn the knob. Before it was turned enough to open, the door flung against the wall and Gold barged in.

"Okay! What'd you do to get licks from The Sardine? Tell me!" Gold demanded.

"Well, lets see. He got onto me for my hair length again, and I politely explained to him that hair wasn't a dress code violation. Then he went on a rant about 'teenage trends' and I got sick of it, so I cussed him out. Then, he took twenty mintues to find a paddle." Silver retorted.

"Really?" Gold asked while examining Silver for any visible bruises. "I don't see anything..."

"That's cause he sucks at smacking people with paddles. But, for those who are good, if you brace youself, you'll live." Silver replied as he walked towards the window to watch for Honchkrow. He didn't see it--just the falling rain.

"Oh, well, The Wailord usually gets me. It hurt to sit for a week!" Gold said as he walked towards Silver's desk. He picked up an album called Cleaning Solution by the band Calm Mind. He flipped to the backside to see what songs were on it. He knew four of them--Scents of Adolescent Pride, About a Female, Go the Way You Appear, and Love-Shaped Container.

"Dude, you still listen to Calm Mind? C'mon! The lead's dead!" Gold exclaimed as he continued to look at the CD.
Silver seemed to pay no attention as he still stared out the window.

"Silver?" Gold called, trying to get his attention, but Silver still gazed outside at the rain.

"Silver!!" he yelled, causing Silver to jump at hearing his name being yelled.

"What?!" Silver yelled back.

"Why aren't you listening? I asked why you still listen to Calm Mind!"

"I...hey, they're still good!" Silver said as he glanced out the window, then at the floor. "I've just got a lot on my mind..." he said solemnly.

Gold looked at him curiously. "Such as?"

Silver looked back out the window at the forest. "It's Blue. I saw her and Green in the forest."

"So? Who cares!" Gold exclaimed.

"Gold, they were kissing. They looked like...they were in love.", Silver said sadly. "Why him?"

Gold watched as Silver brushed through his hair with his fingers.

"Well, you...ya know, I..." Gold tried to say something, but was at a loss for words. Silver stood up and leaned against the window sill and strained his eyes to look for Honchkrow in the heavy rainfall.

"It's ok, Gold. I know you're only trying to help."

Gold frowned and looked outside from where he stood. I just wish I could help him, he thought.

Suddenly, Silver's head perched up at what he saw. Honchkrow burst out of the forest and was flying towards the house with something in his large talons.

"Honchkrow!" Silver shouted, causing Gold to jump from the broken silence. Silver moved away from the window and the big black crow flew inside and landed in the floor and then started picking at its feet.

"Ew! What's he doing?!" Gold asked in disgust.

"I...don't know." Silver replied while watching Honchkrow.

The two noticed that Honchkrow had caught himself a Caterpie for dinner. They looked away as Honchkrow devoured the helpless caterpillar Pokemon. After Honchkrow finshed his meal, he squaked trumphantly and flapped his wings.

"Okay, Honchkrow, are Blue and Green still in the forest?" Silver asked.

Before Honchkrow could respond, Gold ran to the window and yelled, "There he is!!!"

"Who?!" Silver asked as he frantically ran to Gold's side. He saw something flying towards the house. It looked like a big, blue sting ray and it was carrying something on its back...a bag?

"What the?" Silver said as he continued to stare in bewilderment, but Gold moved him out of the window and the sting ray suddenly plowed through the window and flopped around on the floor. Honchkrow made a screaming noise and flew to the end of the bed. He perched himself and stared at the floppin Pokemon on the floor and squawked at it in a rude manner.

"Mantine! Thanks for bringing me my bag!" Gold exclaimed while reaching into the bulky, tan bag.

Silver and Honchkrow both looked at each other and sweatdropped.

Gold pulled out Mantine's Pokeball and recalled it.

"Alright then...anyway, back to what I asked earlier..." Silver said to Honchkrow, "Did you see Blue and Green in the forest?"

Honchkrow looked at the celing, as if he were trying to recall.

Silver watched the big crow, his heart pouding rapidly in his chest.

Please...I still have a chance..., he thought.

Honchkrow continued staring upward as Silver became even more nervous. He felt that his heart might jump out of his chest at any moment .

"Oh yeah!", Gold shouted as he reached back into his bag, pulling out a long, black rectangular box. "My mom got me this as an early graduation present. Well...acutally, I begged her to give it to me early."

He opened the box and there were two golden colored rods. He took them out and connected them, making a new billiard cue with 'To Gold, the Apple of my Eye!' engraved onto the handle.

"That's great! I don't care!" Silver yelled sarcastically.

Gold frowned at Silver. "While we're waiting on your bird to remeber what it saw, I'd like to know if you've even given thought to your valedictorian speech yet."

Silver frowned and looked at the wads of paper in his trash can. "Can't say I haven't thought of anything..."

"Man, I feel so old! We're seventeen and graduating in two months! I seems like...", he trailed off as he pulled out Explotaro's Pokeball. "Only yesterday..."

-flashback-

Gold sent out the small echidna Pokemon and flames arose off its back in anger at the theif that stood before him.

"Wow! And mom complains about my hair! Well, I don't know what your name is...should I call you Explotaro then?"

-end flashback-

There was a silence, but suddenly Honchkrow squaked, startling both Gold and Silver.

"Honchkrow, are they still there?" Silver asked frantically. Honchkrow nodded to his trainer and Silver gave a sigh of relief, then turned to Gold. "I've got to find them."

Gold put Explotaro's Pokeball into his bag and looked up at Silver. "You think they haven't left yet?"

"Still worth going. You can stay here if you want, but I'm headed out."

"Ok then, I'll just...", Gold looked around for something to occupy his time, and beamed at the paper wads in the trash can. "i'll just look at these speeches!"

"Yup! Bye!" Silver called to him hurriedly. Honchkrow flew to the window sill and Silver grabbed its feet and the black bird took them out of the window and into the air.

At least the rain let out..., Silver thought. His heart pounded like a bass drum as they drew close to the Virdian Forest...
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  #15    
Old March 28th, 2008 (04:00 PM).
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Not bad again. Nice character interaction, and I'm liking how you protray Gold. Silver still is as well, mind. You could have used some more description in places, such as of Mantine, I suppose - would have added more to the chapter. The conversation involved some small talk but was still interesting at the same time - good work on that. For instance, the discussion about the 'Calm Mind' band (which I'm not familar with, sorry...), is a good example. Might have been even more so if I knew about it... oh well.

Nothing felt really left out here - everything was clear and all. Hurrah for flying Mantines, 'Gold - the apple in my my eye' and such other small jokes.

There were a number of small mistakes though... try to proof-read a bit more.
Quote:
"Okay, okay. Where is that troublemaking son of your's?" Gold asked while searching the den.

Yours, not your's (your is).
Quote:
"Well, lets see. He got onto me for my hair length again, and I politley explained to him that hair wasn't a dress code violation.

Politely ...
Quote:
"Really?", Gold asked while examining Silver for any visible bruises. "I don't see anything..."

Unnesserary comma methinks...
Quote:
But, for those who are good, if you brace youself, you'll live," Silver replied as he walked towards the window to watch for Honchkrow.

Quote:
"What the?" Silver said as he continued to stare in bewilderment, but Gold moved him out of the window and the sting ray suddenly plowed through the window and flopped around on the floor. Honchkrow made a screaming noise and flew to the end of the bed. He perched himself and stared at the flopping Pokemon on the floor, squaking at it in a rude manner.

First sentence seems too long - too much like a run-on sentence. Chop it up a bit. Also, flopping and squawking.
Quote:
"That's great! I don't care!" Silver yelled sarcastically.

If it was sarcastic, maybe it should be ' I really care!'.
Quote:
"While we're waiting on your bird to remember what it saw,


The flashback... well, the sign '-flashback-' was a bit... meh - probably could have been protrayed in a better manner, such as 'Gold casted his mind back' or something like that, and the flashback itself italiced or the such, for a slightly better presentation.
I also must question on why Blue and Green are still there when it is raining... minor, but might also say something about the relationship...

Still, good and enjoyable - the pacing was steady all the way through and the style of writing is nice - quiet yet enjoyable to read. Keep it up!
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  #16    
Old March 29th, 2008 (05:34 AM). Edited March 29th, 2008 by Alli.
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Thank you. 8D

Quote:
I also must question on why Blue and Green are still there when it is raining... minor, but might also say something about the relationship...
Because they don't care...heh heh. They're in there making out, so why should it matter? xD

Quote:
For instance, the discussion about the 'Calm Mind' band (which I'm not familar with, sorry...),
Well, lets see if anyone else can guess it. I just changed the name of the band, their first album, and four of their songs...I thought Love-Shaped Container would give it away. X.x And they are an old band...they're not cranking music anymore, but loved nonetheless.

Quote:
If it was sarcastic, maybe it should be ' I really care!'.
This chapter has a lot of my life portrayed into it. When I'm being sarcastic, I usually say 'That's great, I don't care' so...maybe if I knew a way to put the inflection...that might help. Lets see, you've got that, Calm Mind(any guessers? O.o), bass drum reference(no, I don't play the bass drum), looking out the window, and paper wads with discarded ideas. Yup...a lot of the author. Oh, and random Mantine flying through the window. O.o

Anyway, thanks for the review! Chapter four is still being written, so expect it sometime next week.
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  #17    
Old March 29th, 2008 (05:17 PM).
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Calm Mind = Nirvana, si?
As in, Love Shaped Container is code for Heart Shaped Box? xD

Anyway, I REALLY enjoyed this chapter, Smeargle! Keep it up<3 Can't wait to read more!
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  #18    
Old March 29th, 2008 (05:50 PM). Edited March 29th, 2008 by Alli.
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Quote originally posted by Trainer Kat:
Calm Mind = Nirvana, si?
As in, Love Shaped Container is code for Heart Shaped Box? xD

Anyway, I REALLY enjoyed this chapter, Smeargle! Keep it up<3 Can't wait to read more!
Ah! Yes! You got it. I knew someone would. There'll be another one in chapter four...not really my fave band, but I thought their song fit what's going on, so I changed their name, too. Now...to finish writing chapter four...X.o

Thanks...wow, you're the only person to call me Smeargle. O.o Astinus calls me Silver and BeachBoy calls me SSS. I don't mind any of them, though. ^-^

EDIT: Oh yeah, 'The Sardine' is a reference to the principal of the freshman academy at my school. X.x Lame, I know. And 'The Wailord' is actually supposed to be 'The Whale' in reference to the assistant principal at the high school. This is more humorous for my friends reading the written version of Just A Brother. Just thought I'd let you know. And some food for thought, their code name says it all. And I did use The Sardine's real name in chapter two. x3
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  #19    
Old March 29th, 2008 (06:58 PM).
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that's awesome! (added text to fill up space in this post) XDDD
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  #20    
Old March 30th, 2008 (06:49 AM).
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^Shankies.

Anyway, I finished writing chapter four this morning...hopefully, I can post it tomorrow.
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  #21    
Old March 31st, 2008 (01:18 PM). Edited April 1st, 2008 by Alli.
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Well, here's chapter four. Things are getting dramatic! Thanks to chapters one through three for the foundation. Enjoy.

Just A Brother

Chapter Four: Regrets

It doesn’t seem to end. I wish she could see we’re becoming distant now. I have to get her to see what’s going on…she’s becoming someone different. She’s not the same Blue I fell in love with.

Honchkrow slowed down at the entrance to the forest and set Silver to the ground. He took out his Pokeball and returned the big crow.

“You deserve a rest,” he said.

Silver looked at the forest entrance nervously and took a deep breath.

Just find her…, he thought.

He walked into the forest and looked for any signs of movement and listened for any voices. All he saw were the many trees covered in raindrops and all sound was forsaken. As he walked, his footsteps appeared loud in the silence of the forest, but an abrupt rustle in the bushes broke the quiet.

Silver stopped and looked around, hoping to find Blue, but saw nothing. He glared at the bush where the rustle came from.

“You tricked me. Bastard,” he said grimly.

“Silver?” a familiar voice called. Silver looked up and saw Blue walking towards him with, to his dismay, Green at her side. There seemed to be something glinting in their hands as they approached.

“Hey, Silver! Haven’t seen you in a while!” Blue exclaimed.

“Yeah…you haven’t.” he mumbled and then looked at their hands and saw two golden shimmers. “What’s that?”

Blue and Green hurriedly put their hands in their pockets, but Blue realized she didn’t have one, so she shoved her hand into Green’s free pocket.

“Just some rocks we found,” Green replied.

“Rocks, eh? Shiny rocks?” Silver questioned.

“Yes. Anyway, we should be going. We have more important things to be doing. You understand, right?” Green retorted with an arrogant smirk.

“Like it?” Silver muttered through clenched teeth.

Green scowled at him.

“Actually,” Blue interrupted, “I think I’ll stay and talk to Silver!”

Green frowned. “Well, okay then. I’ll just be at the gym.” He hugged Blue and walked out of the forest, glaring at Silver suspiciously. Once Green was out of sight, Silver looked for the ‘rock’, but nothing was in Blue’s hands.

“I haven’t seen you in awhile!” Blue said happily as she threw her arms around Silver’s neck.

“I know…” Silver replied, hugging her back. The two released from their embrace and Blue started talking about what she had been doing for the past month. Silver was paying no attention to what she was saying. He was too busy admiring her beauty. Her long, brown hair swayed in the gentle breeze and her glimmering blue eyes stared at him as her soothing voice continued to rant. Silver was so enticed by her voice, it only deepened his trance.

“Silver?” Blue called. “Are you okay?”

“What? Oh, fine!” Silver replied while wiping a small amount of drool off his lips.

But then the reason for him being here struck him—he had to confront her about it.

“Hey,” he said to get Blue’s attention. “Y’know, I go through the forest on my way home.”

At hearing this, Blue looked at him, a little confused.

“Okay?”

“And I heard some noises from the bushes…” Silver continued and Blue started to turn red.

“Oh, did you? Well, th-that’s…”

“So I hid behind a tree and snuck into a bush to see…” Silver interrupted.

Blue became even more nervous as her cheeks burned scarlet. “Well, i-it could’ve been…”

“I saw, Blue,” Silver said quietly. “You and Green were kissing in that clearing.”

Blue’s nervousness completely disappeared after hearing what Silver had just told her.

“So you were spying?” she asked angrily.

“It’s not ‘spying’ if it’s not intended,” he corrected. “But anyway…”

“Why’d you watch?!” she yelled, very agitated at this point.

“Well, at first I didn’t know what the hell was going on!” he yelled back.

“It’s not your place to know my private life! And you act as if you had no clue me and Green were dating!”

Silver looked down at the ground. “Why don’t you just give up on him? Don’t you remember what he did to you?”

The bad memory ran across Blue’s mind, but she shook it off. “Silver, that was a year ago. It’s done, and I’ve forgiven him for it.”

“Blue,” Silver sighed as he put his hands on Blue’s shoulders. “Don’t you remember what happened between us after he did that?” he finished with a hint of desperation in his voice.

Blue backed away from his touch. “Silver…you can’t keep clinging to that. I saw him kiss Sabrina, and then I kissed you, but…that kiss was only for revenge. No feeling in it whatsoever.” Blue replied calmly.

“Blue, neither of those situation were just a ‘kiss’. Green and Sabrina were pretty much making out, and you know it—you saw it. And…well, we were, too…”, he corrected, but then realized--he had only been used for revenge on Green. “But that doesn’t matter now…thanks for playing games with me that day.”

Silver looked at the ground, wondering about everything that had just been said.

“Silver, I…”

“Damnit!” Silver yelled, causing a flocks of Pidgey to fly out from the trees. “Why’d you do that to me?!”

“Silver, I was angry!” Blue cried.

“Save it. You have no heart…” Silver muttered grimly as he looked up at Blue, who’s eyes were now red with tears.

“I-I’m going…” Blue said as she sniffled and wiped the tears off her face. “Unfortunately, my ship in V-Vermilion doesn’t leave ‘til f-five tomorrow…”

“Pfft. So you’re leaving your cheating boyfriend?”

“No! I’m leaving to get the hell away from you!!” she cried as she started running out of the forest.

Silver watched Blue rush past him, wondering what just came over him. The moment she was no longer visible, he fell to his knees. He started shaking violently as he stared at the ground with a look of horror on his face.

What have I done?, he asked himself.

“Why did I just do that?! Idiot!!” he yelled as he pounded the ground with his fists. He remained in this position for half and hour, his mind replaying the scene that had just taken place. And then it dawned on him—he still had a chance.

I can still correct this. Tomorrow, I have to get to her…, he thought with a glint of hope.

Silver got up and left the forest. Darkness had now set in.

Was I in there that long?

He walked past a few brick houses, a hobo, and then stopped to stare at what was a few paces in front of him—the Viridian Gym. He thought of Green and how they both acted in the forest, and in front of Blue at that.

I guess I’ll apologize to him later…

~~~

He opened to door to his little brick house. Giovanni seemed to be engrossed in paperwork as he jotted onto a sheet of paper.

“Father?” Silver tried to get his attention.

“Son?” Giovanni mumbled back.

“I, uh…well, tomorrow me and Gold have something to take care of, so we won’t be hanging out here…”

“That’s fine, Silver.”, Giovanni replied, still into his work. “I actually have some business to tend to myself.”

“Oh…mkay, then. I’m off to bed.” Silver replied with a small wave.

“Alright. Good night.”

“Night.” Silver called back as he headed up the stairs.

“Oh, and Silver…” Giovanni called, looking up from his papers.

“Hm?”

“You know, Gold’s not as withdrawn as you are. I’m sure you and Blue will have something.” he said with a smile.

Silver gave a weak smile back. “Thanks.” He replied as he continued up the stairs.

He opened the door to his room and found Gold sprawled out on the floor in slumber. Careful not to wake him, Silver quietly closed the door. He set his bag beside his desk and took off his silver tie, laying it neatly on top of the desk. He unbuttoned his shirt and tossed it into the floor, revealing a plain white t-shirt. He got his PokeGear out of his bag and got on his bed to lie down. He turned his PokeGear on, lowered the volume, and set it to the PokeMusic station. Silver placed it next to him and he turned to face it.

The quiet radio DJ spoke softly.
’This is a new song from BuckCherrim called Sorry!' he announced.

An acoustic guitar started to strum softly and followed with a soothing rocker voice.

’Oh I had a lot to say
Was thinking on my time away
I missed you and things weren’t the same
Cause everything inside, it never comes out right
And when I see you cry, it makes me wanna die’

Sure does…. Silver thought.

’I’m sorry I’m bad, I’m sorry I’m blue
I’m sorry ‘bout all the things I said to you
And I know, I can’t take it back’

I only wish I could…

I love how you kiss, I love all your sounds
And baby the way you make my world go ‘round
And I just wanted to say
I’m sorry’

Very, Silver thought as he drifted into sleep, with the radio still playing in his ear.
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  #22    
Old March 31st, 2008 (01:53 PM).
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wow... another great chapter, call me evil, but i laughed when silver said that blue had no heart :)
  #23    
Old March 31st, 2008 (02:01 PM).
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wow... another great chapter, call me evil, but i laughed when silver said that blue had no heart
Me too. Why else do you think I put it in there?

Anyway...thanks for reading.

Chapter Five has just gotten it's start today...so expect it...Thursday or Friday. That'll give you something to look foward to. O_o
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  #24    
Old March 31st, 2008 (06:07 PM).
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Quote originally posted by seraphinw1:
wow... another great chapter, call me evil, but i laughed when silver said that blue had no heart
Same here.

So gold, shiny things, eh? Bet I know what those are...this just sucks for Silver, doesn't it? It's like watching a one-man train wreck in slow motion.
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Old March 31st, 2008 (10:00 PM).
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Nice. Very good emotions there - quite nice and well-written. The character interaction there was very good - nice tension and held my interest. A good ending too, with the song, and I quite liked the small jokes thrown in as well.

There is one common mistake which you do constantly however - and far more often this chapter - maybe you think it's correct... it's the adding of a comma to ellipses or dialogue. E.g.:
Quote:
“Yeah…you haven’t…”, he mumbled and then looked at their hands and saw two golden shimmers.

“I saw, Blue.”, Silver said quietly.

Hvaing a comma there is incorrect. Also, rather than the full stops, a comma should be there in place of it, not after it. The following sentence links in the with first sentence, so a comma should be used as they can be taken as one sentence. IE.:
Quote:
“I saw, Blue,” Silver said quietly.

Like so. There are a fair few instances of this happening...


Other stuff:
Quote:
wish she could see we’re becoming distant now

see, not she.
Quote:
“You deserve a rest,” he said.

Quote:
“You tricked me. Bastard,” he said grimly.

Quote:
“Just some rocks we found,” Green replied.

Remember, commas in these cases rather than full stops, as here the following few words link in with the dialogue, and flows on, instead of really being two sparate sentences.
Quote:
“Silver?” Blue called. “Are you okay?”

“What? Oh, fine!” Silver replied while wiping a small amount of drool off his lips.

Is it custom in the Pokemon world to drool in conversations? As I said, I liked these small quirks and touches.

Quote:
...And when I see you cry, it makes me wanna die’
Quote:

Sure does…. Silver thought.

This one was the best.

Good chapter - quite well balenced, but with the constant small mistake. Fix those up.

Also don't rush the chapters so much - if the chapter is already to come out on Thursday or Friday... seems a bit quick to me (and given the time cut out for me due to school, I fail to see how you have the time... ). It's usually best to wait a bit longer than that if you are writing as you go - keeps the audience waiting more, and is just a minor unwritten rule in Fanfiction that I learnt about. Also, less chance of the work being rushed. Sometimes it's good to wait a bit longer, than read it again with a fresh mind to see the mistakes better and all. Just a suggestion, mind...
(And it doesn't apply to people who are posting work from another forum. Even then, I'm going to 5-day breaks for it)
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