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  #1    
Old March 25th, 2008, 06:51 PM
Post Office Buddy's Avatar
Post Office Buddy
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This Fan Fiction is rated PG-13 for violence and suggestive themes.

Introduction

I began this fanfic on another forum a few weeks ago and decided to give it a shot on another forum, thus which led me here. I try to update weekly, and I may even post twice a week if I can find the time in the midst of AP classes. At the moment I have a prologue and two chapters finished, and am currently working on chapter three. I will post the prologue along with this introduction and will post the next two chapters within two or three days to allow readers time to digest and critique it.

Don't be afraid to criticize my writing as long as it is constructive and not flaming my story and I. I know that my writing is not perfect and that I will only benefit from my readers advice. If you want to talk to me directly and offer me advice in real time then just send me a message via AIM. My screen name is crrptjeff.

Well, I hope to have as much success here as I have had elsewhere, and I hope that you enjoy my fanfic. Without further ado, I present you with the first installment of The Fall of Light.


UPDATE: I have decided to discontinue this fiction for the time being. I may decide to completely revise and repost this in a separate thread at a later date, as I still wish to resolve the underlying plot, but that may not happen for quite some time.

There are a few reasons for my discontinuation of this fiction. Firstly, I feel that I presented it quite poorly, and as a result, rushed the plot too quickly. I didn't think a lot of it through, and unfortunately, allowed several minor plot holes to form. I attempted to thoroughly read through it and correct any grammatical and plot errors that I found, but there is too much to be done to simply revise it. To completely fix it, I will need to have a fresh start. I'll have to rewrite every chapter completely, using this "draft", if you will, as a reference for the general direction of the story.

Another reason I have discontinued this fiction is because I would rather focus more on my more recent addition to this section, Affliction. Although I haven't updated past the first chapter of that fiction, I feel that I have sufficiently planned the plot and have started the fiction on the right foot, so to speak. Also, since I am still early in the developmental stages of the fic, I can work to avoid my common mistake of rushing the plot.

Now, for the TL;DR version.
I am discontinuing this fiction because of developmental errors and the fact that I want to focus more on my other fiction. I may rewrite it in the future, but it isn't certain. I am leaving this version posted for those who liked it and may want to read it again or for the first time in the future. I discourage bumping, since it will only be locked anyway. Likewise, I am not going to bump this update, since it isn't really necessary and will only push continuing fictions further down the list. Think of this as more of a silent update.

I hope to see all of you on Affliction.


Prologue

Entei jumped over a boulder wildly, trying to evade his pursuer, but to no avail. With every step the masked man gained on him, how Entei did not know. He was nearing the point of exhaustion, considering just giving up. The masked man's Pokemon seemed to be immune to any attacks Entei had tried, and the man himself demonstrated advanced psychic powers. Just a ball of psychic energy had left Entei shaken and weak. The only thing pushing him onward was pure adrenaline.

Entei sidestepped a tree, ducked under a fallen sapling, and scaled a cliff, but no matter what the mysterious masked man gained. I should be faster than him, he thought. He is only human, after all. This encouraged Entei and gave him another burst of energy to speed up.

“You may as well give up,” the man shouted. “You're only making it hard on yourself.”

This human isn't even winded! Entei thought. How can this be? I should be faster and stronger than any man alive!

“I'm giving you one more warning before I attack again,” the man yelled. “You have ten seconds to stop running.”

Maybe I can lose him in the volcano, Entei thought. I know I can survive the heat, but I doubt very much he can. So Entei shifted his direction towards the looming peak of the Mt. Ember. He climbed the mountain with every ounce of energy he could muster, running at breakneck speed. However, when he turned his head to see how much distance lay between them, he saw that the man was floating. What in the world? Entei wondered to himself. Who is this man that he can chase me with no more energy than lifting a finger?

“Give up before I have to hurt you,” the man yelled. “I don't want you injured when I capture you.”

Capture this, Entei thought to himself, leaping onto the peak of the volcano and running across toward the crater. He halted to a stop at the crater, however, unable to believe his eyes. This isn't possible, He thought. There's no way this can be happening. Standing in front of him was Moltres, one of the legendary bird Pokemon of the Kanto region.

Entei knew all about the bird Pokemon. They were supposed to live peacefully in the islands of thunder, ice, and fire. What is Moltres doing here? He wondered. Did someone drive him out? Or is there an imbalance in nature that baited him out? He was unable to ask Moltres this, however, because the man suddenly appeared over the edge of the crater, a pleased look dominating his face. His eyes burned with sadistic joy at the sight of Moltres and Entei side by side. His mouth curled into a grin and his sharp teeth were bared at the legendary Pokemon. Entei shot the man a look of disgust and contempt, but the man did not seem fazed.

“Ah, how very fortunate. Just the Pokemon I was going to search for next. I must thank you, Entei; I never expected this,” the masked man mused. "How very fortunate that you should join us, Moltres." The masked man's evil smile only widened when he said this, as Moltres and Entei returned an annoyed stare mixed with rage and hatred. the masked man only laughed in response. "So you wish to defy me still? So be it."

Moltres! We must fight together to stop this man from catching both of us! Fight with me! Entei said to Moltres, exasperated by the masked man's gloating. We can't afford to be caught by this man. Who knows what atrocities he will force us to commit once we are under his will?

Okay, the combined power of our fire shall send this human into submission. You appear injured, Entei. I shall heal you with some of my restorative fire, Moltres said. In that instant Moltres expelled a stream of fire from its beak onto Entei. It swirled around Entei for a few seconds, enveloping his body with its rejuvenating flames. The fire dissipated and Entei instantly felt revitalized. He now had his strength and stamina back.

Thank you, Moltres. Now we shall end this humans terror once and for all! Entei cheered. He looked at Moltres with a new sense of reverence, as if healing him had made the Moltres holy in a way. An implied connection occurred between them at that moment; if either of them needed anything, no matter how big or small, the other would be there to help no matter the cost.

“Nice little trick there, Moltres, but it is all for naught. Soon you will belong to me!” the man crowed with anticipation. "How can you possibly think that you can defeat someone as powerful as I? Or maybe I need to show you why I am unstoppable!" That said, the man threw off his mask glaring at Entei and Moltres with large eyes full of hate and rage. Entei stared at the face a split second before he realized who it was that faced him. His curiosity turned to sheer terror in less than a second. Before Entei could react, the man summoned a ball of dark energy in the palm of his hand and thrust it at Entei with enough force to send a semi flying. Entei instantly fainted, but was held in place by some power. Moltres, too, fell beside his comrade after the man threw another ball of energy at him. The man pulled out two Pokeballs seemingly from thin air and tossed them towards the two limp figures. He tossed his head back and laughed as the Pokeballs shook for the last time before remaining still. His laugh echoed down the mountainside and into the village sitting at the base of the mountain, where civilians heard it and shuddered at the tortured sound of the man's hysterical laughter. He laughed for a long time before finally calming down. “Two down, eight to go,” the man muttered to himself while retrieving his Pokeballs.

Twenty miles away, a young boy awoke in a cold sweat, jolted awake by nightmares of a man with no face and extraordinary powers.
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I am returning once again (hopefully for good). I will be updating Affliction regularly and reviewing other people's fics every so often. If you would like to request a review, then please send me a PM.

My FFC entry for April 2008: My Endless Loneliness
My Discontinued, Chaptered FanFiction: The Fall of Light
My current chaptered FanFiction: Affliction
My Parody of Pure Awesomeness (requires some context to fully appreciate): Sir. Aaron - A Parody

Last edited by Post Office Buddy; October 15th, 2009 at 03:26 PM. Reason: felt like revising
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  #2    
Old March 25th, 2008, 09:19 PM
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bobandbill
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It's not bad - a decent plot seems to be developing, with a sense of mystery to who the guy is, or why he is so powerful. Certainly intriguing to what will happen. There is some work that can be done to make this better, however.

I would have liked to have seen more description here and there - of places and actions primarily. Let's take this chunk:
Quote:
'Okay, the combined power of our fire shall send this human into submission. You appear injured, Entei. I shall heal you with some of my restorative fire,” Moltres said. In that instant Moltres expelled a stream of fire from its beak onto Entei. Entei instantly felt revitalized.


'Thank you, Moltres. Now we shall end this humans terror once and for all!' Entei said.


“Nice little trick there, Moltres, but it is all for naught. Soon you will belong to me!” the man said. With that the man threw off his mask. Entei stared at the face a split second before he realized who it was that faced him. Before he could react, he fell unconscious from a blast of energy from the man's hand. Moltres, too, fell beside his comrade a second later. The man pulled out two pokeballs seemingly from thin air and tossed them towards the two limp figures. “Two down, eight to go,” the man muttered to himself before retrieving his pokeballs.
For instance, more on how Moltres with the fire - it is a bit vague on how fire 'heals' Entei, to be honest. Also, the was a bit of a lack of emotion from Entei and Moltres when they were hit - would have been better if in went into more detail there, making the guy seem even more powerful than Entei and Moltres weak.
Slow down things a bit to show use more things - but when you use description is not bad at all - just could do with more details being described. The last paragraph seems too quick as a result - a bit rushed, with too many things happening in a short space of writing.

Also, you've changed around the though and dialogue tags (' and ") up a bit - halfway through the quotations makrs got replaced by these: 'blah blah blah', rather than like this: "Blah blah Blah". Remain consistant on such things. I do advise to do thoughts differently, such as have them in italiced font, so it is clearer immediantely.

Overall, not a bad beginning though - interesting set up you've got there. Put more description and reactions there, and it should get better for starters. Take the time to let us know what things are like, alough you are doing an ok job of that already - better than some others I have seen. Also, remember in future to back up thinsg when the 'unknown' gradually get revealed in due course of this fic.

Don't have to space out things that much - just space them out like this review should be enough.

Wonder what other legendaries will there be, besides the other two dogs/cats/whatever, and the two RBY birds? Another four more... it will be interesting to see what purpose they will serve.
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  #3    
Old March 25th, 2008, 09:35 PM
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Post Office Buddy
Trapped inside this Octavarium
 
Join Date: Mar 2008
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I'm sorry about the quotation mix ups. The other forum I posted this on (the original one) wouldn't let me bold, italicize, or underline text unless I was a premium user, so I got into the habit of using the single and double quotations marks. Your feedback for this part was similar to that of which I got on the other forum, and I fixed it in later chapters. I will probably post another chapter tomorrow night, I just have to run back through it and see if I can fix any of it quickly. Thank you for the feedback, though. It is appreciated greatly.
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I am returning once again (hopefully for good). I will be updating Affliction regularly and reviewing other people's fics every so often. If you would like to request a review, then please send me a PM.

My FFC entry for April 2008: My Endless Loneliness
My Discontinued, Chaptered FanFiction: The Fall of Light
My current chaptered FanFiction: Affliction
My Parody of Pure Awesomeness (requires some context to fully appreciate): Sir. Aaron - A Parody
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  #4    
Old March 26th, 2008, 07:52 AM
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Jak
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Intruiging.

Very. I guess bobandbill got all the grammar and description problems I was gonna cover...as usual. ;

Heh. I like it thusfar...of course, I'm big on fire types. Although...we could use description of Moltres and Entei. That would be helpful...

Anyway, I do want to know who this man is. That is a bit of a mystery...I'll be checking back.

~SSS
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  #5    
Old March 26th, 2008, 04:49 PM
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Post Office Buddy
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Location: Michigan (The land of the ice and snow)
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As promised, here is Chapter One of the fanfic. I revised the original, adding in some detail and description of the demeanor of the characters. As before, criticism is welcome and any comments are appreciated.


Chapter One: Our Hero

It was a chilly fall morning. Jeff was just getting up from bed, groggy from his recently interrupted sleep. He had been having strange dreams lately, ones that made no sense to him. Something about a man with a mask chasing him. Cornering him. Revealing his horrifying face. Knocking him out. He never remembered what the man's face looked like, he only remembered that it scared him half to death.

Jeff sat up, exhausted. His alarm clock beside his bed displayed a flashing 12:00 over and over. 'Great,' he thought. 'The power must have gone out last night.' Power failures had been common recently. Something seemed to be interfering with the flow of electricity in the area. What was causing such a problem was beyond the explanation of any specialist. At first leading scientists in the region thought that an increase in the population of Magnemites could have caused the recent power failures, but upon closer inspection of the surrounding area they determined that the Magnemite population had actually decreased. Electricians had tested every power line in the area, but none seemed to be faulty. It simply could not be explained.

Strange things had been happening throughout the world since the first of March. Ice storms in tropical regions, thunderstorms in wintry places, and entire populations of cities passing out from agonizing headaches. No causes had been announced in the two weeks since the odd occurrences began, and scientists were no closer to discovering a hypothesis.

Jeff was sitting on his bed, thinking about these strange phenomena, when a cry of excitement was let loose outside. He jumped up as fast as he could and ran outside. He skidded to a halt when he saw his neighbor, Katy glance towards him. He blushed uncontrollably and tried to shrink away so she would not notice that he had come outside wearing nothing but boxers. She did not seem to notice, however, and continued to stare into the sky. Jeff looked skywards and instantly forgot his nakedness. Circling above them were two large birds of strange shapes. They seemed to be fighting each other, dodging special attacks and colliding occasionally. Jeff gaped in astonishment while the two large birds fought.

“Not everyday that you see something like this, huh?” Jeff heard beside him. He glanced over and saw that the voice came from Professor Drake, his teacher and friend. “Pretty awesome sight, to tell the truth.”

“Yeah. I mean, what are those things?” Jeff asked.

“If I am not mistaken, those are the fabled Articuno and Zapdos. As far as I knew they hadn't left their home in the Sevii Islands. Something must have flushed them out,” the professor said.

“What could possibly have done so?” Jeff asked in awe.

“Another super powerful Pokemon that hasn't ever been seen or heard of, or some natural disturbance. I cannot know for sure. But I do know one thing: Zapdos must have caused the power outages,” the professor reasoned.

“Yeah, I can see how,” Jeff replied. “The size of the bolts of lightning that... Zapdos... is creating are enormous!”

“Yes, they are,” the professor said gloomily. “If I am correct, it also carries a dangerously high static charge with it at all times. The static would be strong enough to knock out power for several miles. I doubt very much that we are the only affected town.”

“What can we do about this?” Jeff asked, his eyes wide with apprehension.

“Nothing,” Professor Drake replied. “None of the Pokemon on this island are strong enough to face those Pokemon. We'll just have to let them fight it out.”

At that moment a bolt of lightning erupted from the heavens and struck the ground thirty feet away from Jeff. Jeff was hit by the shock wave and thrown five feet back. He hit the ground in a confused daze, unable to think or move. The wind was knocked out of his lungs when he crashed into the ground and he blacked out for a few moments. The next thing he knew Katy was kneeling by his side, concern evident in her face.

“Are you okay?” Katy asked when it was clear that he was conscious.

“I... I don't know. I feel like I was hit by a train,” Jeff replied. “I don't know if I can get up.”

“Here, I'll help you up,” Katy said. She looked very worried. Jeff noticed that she had a few small cuts on her usually flawless face. He felt a feeling of worry and regretted being unable to protect her.

“Are you okay?” he asked. “You're bleeding a little bit.”

“I'm better off than you are. Here, grab my hand and I'll help you up,” Katy said. Jeff grasped her hand and was able to stand up. Bad day for boxers, he thought. At least it's dark out.

“I think I can get to my house now,” Jeff said. “Thanks for the help. I really appreciate it. Go get those cuts checked out, they could get infected if you're not careful.”

“You're so sweet,” She replied. “Take it easy. Don't push yourself too hard. You took quite a nasty hit.” They walked their separate ways, Jeff walking carefully to his house and Katy covering her face with a cloth she borrowed from a neighbor. His door burst open as he approached it and his mother came running out.

“I saw what happened. Are you okay?” she asked in worry. Her eyes were wide with fear as she surveyed the damage done to her only son.

“Yeah, I think I'll be fine. I feel like I just got hit by a bus right now though,” Jeff replied. His eyes were half closed with exhaustion and he felt the urge to just lay down and sleep right there.

“Then get inside and rest up. I want you to feel well by tomorrow,” his mom said. She began to turn but was stopped by Jeff's questioning gaze.

“What are we doing tomorrow?” Jeff asked quizzically. He searched his mother's face for any betraying expressions, but her face revealed nothing but worry. Disappointed, he waited for her answer.

“No need to go into detail,” she finally said after a moments hesitation. “I'll explain everything tomorrow when you should feel better. Just come in and go to bed.” She looked at the sky worriedly, as if she were afraid of something. The two bird Pokemon had disappeared, however, perhaps taking their fight somewhere else.

“I don't think we have to worry about them hurting anyone else,” Jeff said. “They seem to be gone now.”

“That's not what I'm worried about,” she said so softly that Jeff barely heard her. He thought about pursuing the matter, but decided that she wasn't going to reveal any details until the next day.

I wonder what she's so worried about, Jeff thought. Must be something important. He tiredly made his way to his room, groping about in the darkness. He followed the wall and finally reached his room, collapsing on his bed instantly, breathing heavily with exhaustion and exertion. First thing in the morning I'm going to have my mom explain what's going on. But for now I need to sleep. And with that he drifted off into sleep to dream about the masked man and the terror he elicited in his victims.
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I am returning once again (hopefully for good). I will be updating Affliction regularly and reviewing other people's fics every so often. If you would like to request a review, then please send me a PM.

My FFC entry for April 2008: My Endless Loneliness
My Discontinued, Chaptered FanFiction: The Fall of Light
My current chaptered FanFiction: Affliction
My Parody of Pure Awesomeness (requires some context to fully appreciate): Sir. Aaron - A Parody

Last edited by Post Office Buddy; April 26th, 2008 at 12:53 PM.
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  #6    
Old March 26th, 2008, 09:03 PM
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Hola. It's me. I post my fic here as well, so I suppose I can hit you with both barrels of critiquing. On that note, just figured I'd inform you that most people rate a fic using the "Rate Thread" drop down thing near the top. An actual survey is cool too, though.
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Old March 27th, 2008, 06:53 PM
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Post Office Buddy
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Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Michigan (The land of the ice and snow)
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Oh, hey Txteclipse. I have been posting revisions made in my fic here, so this one should be more up-to-date than the one i have on IGN. I'm doing daily posts here for now, but once I catch up to the current chapter I'm on then I will just post whenever. Anyway, I just started my account here the day I created this thread, which was actually my first thread, so I didn't really realize that there was a rate thread option at the top. When I found that out I couldn't find any way to take the poll off, so I just shrugged to myself and ignored it. Also, I'm trying to incorporate some of the advice you guys have given me (both here and IGN), but I'm having some trouble with using effective dialogue expressing emotion. I don't know how long it will take to perfect this, but I'm going to keep trying.

Anyway, I revised this chapter and added some more dialogue to it to make it more interesting. I also changed some of the things each character said. I hope you all enjoy it and I really hope I have improved upon my writing.


Chapter Two: The Lab
Entei awoke, groggy and weak. He had barely enough energy to open his eyes to survey his surroundings. The light blinded him at first, but as time went on he became accustomed to the glare. He slowly turned his head. He was lying on a table, strapped with some material unfamiliar to him. The walls, floor and ceiling of the room were white, and a single man stood in the middle of the room. He wore a white lab coat and a surgical mask. Entei cringed for a moment at the idea of this man being his abductor, but he felt a different aura about this man. He had a kinder, yet still evil, aura flowing about him. The man glanced at Entei and, noticing that he had awoken, walked over to him.

“It's good to see that you are up,” the man said. “We had thought for a moment that you would die from the attack my master unleashed upon you. Very few Pokemon have survived such a powerful blow. Consider yourself lucky.” Entei stared at the man with a look of contempt.

“Jackson, has the specimen awoken?” came a powerful voice from the door. The voice itself was icy and chilled Entei's soul. He visibly shivered at the sound of the words, as did the man before him.

“Yes, it has awoken. Shall we begin testing?” Jackson asked.

“Let me see it first,” the man said. The man approached Entei slowly, as if carefully deciding where to place his foot with each step. Entei could sense the evil flowing through the man. It was as if the man were a reservoir of evil, absorbing the hate and anger around him to fuel his own power. Entei grew more fearful with every step the man took.

“Hmm, not nearly as impressive as I thought it would be,” the man said. “It seems weak from my attack on it. Maybe when it recovers it will be much more worthy of my attention. I suppose even if it doesn't meet up to my expectations at that time then I could make an attempt to strengthen it.”

“Very good idea, master,” Jackson said.

What do you want with me? Entei thought, as he was sure the man would be able to hear him. This man obviously possessed great psychic abilities and may have been probing his mind the entire time, searching for clues of Entei's true power. Frightened by this thought, Entei closed his mind to the best of his abilities.

“Jackson, could you leave the room for a moment?” the man asked forcefully. Jackson shivered in response.

“Why yes, master, anything you wish,” Jackson replied, backing out of the room quickly. When Jackson was gone, the man turned to Entei.

“You surprise me, Entei,” the man said. “You are much more intelligent than I first thought. I applaud you for concluding that my psychic abilities allow me to hear thoughts. To answer your question, I need you.”

What do you need me for? Entei asked.

“I have a plan to make this world better,” the man replied. “Do you not grow weary of trainers set upon catching what they believe to be one of a kind Pokemon?”

Yes, of course, Entei said. What does that have to do with it? I doubt you care very much. After all, you did hunt me down and capture me. I don't see how you're sympathetic.

“What you have failed to notice is that I am a one of a kind Pokemon,” the man said. “There are plenty of Entei's in the world, as well as every other “legendary” Pokemon. There just happens to be very few in this area. Most others of your kind live in an island community in perfect harmony with other supposed legendaries. Well, at least they did.” A sick smile appeared on the masked man's face as he said this. “I'm afraid that recent events have severely limited the number of your kind and others in the world. As of now you and Moltres are the only Pokemon that have survived my attack.”

You claim to be a Pokemon, yet you appear to be a human, Entei asked. I cannot see how you are a Pokemon at all.

“Obviously with my psychic powers I can conjure an illusion around me to throw off the suspicions of humans. When I hunted you, however, I did not bother to hide my true identity. Do you remember what you last saw before you blacked out? Or did my small attack do severe damage to your memory as well?” the man asked, chuckling to himself.

I don't remember, Entei answered after a minute of strained thinking.

“Think harder, Entei,” the man said.

I told you, I can't remember, Entei snapped. However, there's something familiar in your voice. I think I have heard it somewhere. But where?

“It's not that hard, Entei,” the man mused. “There are precious few Pokemon that have the ability to speak, and even less of those can match my power. Only one Pokemon in the world has withstood my attacks and lived. So, can you guess?”

Wait... You're... You're Mewtwo! Entei said, suddenly even more terrified than before.

“Heh, it's about time you figured it out,” Mewtwo replied, letting the illusion disappear and revealing his true form to Entei. “Maybe you're less competent than I thought.”

I thought you went underground! Entei exclaimed. No one has seen nor heard of you since you fought Mew!

“I did for a while, but now I am back,” Mewtwo replied. “A trainer found me and engaged me in battle. His Pokemon were trained to the extreme. I had never fought such a difficult batlte. Unfortunately, I was forced to kill the trainer in the end. I could not risk being caught by some trainer and forced to submit to their will.” Mewtwo said all of this with no sign of emotion; no remorse or pity whatsoever. Entei was sickened by the heartlessness Mewtwo portrayed. He had never thought anything could be so evil.

So you want to take your rage out on the humans? Entei asked. Why involve Moltres and I in this?

“Oh, it won't only be you. Soon every other so-called legendary Pokemon will join you here. And when that happens... You'll just have to see. Why spoil the fun?” Mewtwo said.

What? What are you going to do? Entei asked.

“I'm not going to ruin the surprise just now. I want you to be shocked when I reveal my grand plan,” Mewtwo said, an evil glint in his eye.

What happens now? Entei asked worriedly. Mewtwo seemed to get colder and colder by the minute. Entei was concerned that he could be set off at any moment and wouldn't hesitate to end Entei's life right there. He had already done this to a trainer, a human, which violated the unwritten law of Pokemon: no matter how powerful the trainer or hopeless the battle, Pokemon were not to attack the trainer under any circumstance. It was a code of honor kind of thing. If caught, the offending Pokemon was usually the target of a dozen or so angry Pokemon determined to seek justice. Needless to say, very few attacks on trainers had ever occurred.

“Right now?” Mewtwo asked. “I suggest you get some rest. I'm personally overseeing your training, and don't think that I won't run you to the ground just because I need you. If I find that you aren't working hard enough, I may feel inclined to just kill you and find some other Entei that isn't dead yet.”

When do I begin this training? Entei asked. He shook with the weight of Mewtwo's words. It seemed that he would get no mercy just because he fit into Mewtwo's master plan.

“Tomorrow. I will wake you up at six in the morning and we will train until five in the evening. Until then, sleep...” and with that Mewtwo disappeared. Entei felt a new sense of dread along with a wave of nausea rolling through his body. He felt physically ill and wished that it were only a sick, twisted nightmare. But he knew that this it wasn't a simple bad dream, and that there would be no waking up.

I'm trapped in this alone, Entei thought bitterly. There's no one in this world who can help me escape. Wait! Moltres is still here! If I can find him, we can plan an escape together. Maybe we have a chance at being free!

Excitement gripped at Entei while he thought about his newfound hope. We have to get out of here and warn someone out in the real world what is going on here. I just need to find Moltres...
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Last edited by Post Office Buddy; April 26th, 2008 at 12:57 PM. Reason: few dumb mistakes
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  #8    
Old March 27th, 2008, 10:53 PM
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Interesting plot development. Again, good work, but with some room for improvement.

Try to slow things down add a bit more emotions and description. Things are moving a little bit too fast, and I'm not exactly feeling the fear that Entei is. Try to show us what Entei is feeling - describe the room, Mewtwo, etc, Add in more emotions as well, so we can see more 'reactions' and also to add more atmosphere.It is slightly lacking in the moment, and mostly due to the quickness of these relevations - the sense of dread or whatnot seems lost on the way.

Still, good concept and plot advances - and I'nm not picking up on any plotholes. Nice planning for the fic - am still intrigued.
Quote:
He had barely enough energy to open his eyes to survey his surroundings. The light blinded him at first, but as time went on he became accustomed to the glare. He slowly turned his head. He was lying on a table, strapped with some material unfamiliar to him. The walls, floor and ceiling of the room were white, and a single man stood in the middle of the room. He wore a white lab coat and a surgical mask. Entei cringed for a moment at the idea of this man being his abductor, but he felt a different aura about this man. He had a kinder, yet still evil, aura flowing about him. The man glanced at Entei and, noticing that he had awoken, walked over to him.


Besides one Entei, the starting word was 'He' or 'The'. Mix it up more, as it seems listy and detracts from the description and what is happening. Try not to reuse words. Other times which you do so is with the work 'asked' or 'said' - try to mix that up a little more too. Change the sentence structure as well a bit too - short and long sentences, rather than similarily-lengthed sentences.

Quote:
“What you have failed to notice is that I am a one of a kind pokemon,” the man said. “There are plenty of Entei's in the world, as well as every other “legendary” pokemon. There just happens to be very few in this area. Most others of your kind live in an island community in perfect harmony with other supposed legendaries. Well, at least they did.” A sick smile appeared on Mewtwo's face as he said this.


Interesting relevation. Didn't see it coming, and the sentences before the word Mewtwo give a bit of a clue but not enough to give it away. good, But I do feel...
Quote:
Wait... You're... You're Mewtwo! Entei said, suddenly even more terrified than before.

That here could have been a better place to reveal it. Then, there is not enough of a gap there - too fast, but here it seems to fit better if you remove all other 'Mewtwo's prior to this moment - would make things more dramatic as well.
Quote:
“Oh, it won't only be you. Soon every other so-called legendary pokemon will join you here. And when that happens... You'll just have to see. Why spoil the fun?,

Unesserary comma there.
Quote:
“Tomorrow. I will wake you up at six in the morning and we will train until five in the evening. Until then, Sleep...”

Sleep shouldn't be capitalised.
Quote:
He felt physically sick and wished that it were only a sick, twisted nightmare. But he knew that this was no nightmare, there would be no waking up.

Sick and nightmare twice - also does distract from the atmosphere you are trying to create. Add more in here, and use different words.

Not bad overall - the fic certainly is moving. Slow things down a bit more, and add more description and the such, and try not to overuse words.

BTW, Pokemon in every instance should be capitalised, not with a small p.
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Old March 28th, 2008, 02:13 PM
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I'm so embarrassed for those small mistakes I made. I didn't notice in my revision that I had revealed Mewtwo's identity a little early. I had meant to reveal it at the moment you specified. Also, that comma error should have stuck out. I have no one to blame but myself for those.

The repeating of certain words has been difficult for me to fix, but I tried to do this through an edit. I believe I covered everything important in my edit and will probably do a more thorough revision in the latter part of this weekend, but now new readers shouldn't be led astray by an early announcement of Mewtwo. Also, I didn't know that I should capitalize Pokemon in every instance. I will begin to do this in my future chapters and, once I re-revise my previous ones, I will fix it in that.

Anyway, Thank you for your critiquing of my chapter. You helped me find a lot of things that were easy fixes and have identified a few problems with my style. I will make every attempt at developing my style so that these mistakes do not show up in the future.
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Old March 28th, 2008, 02:30 PM
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I COMPLETELY revised this chapter when I posted it on Serebii. New readers will probably have a better idea of how Jeff felt and old readers will probably like my use of detail a lot more.

Chapter Three: The Journey Begins

Jeff awoke to the sound of hushed voices somewhere outside of his door. He strained his ears but could barely decipher what the voices were saying. He caught bits and pieces, like “I never imagined this” and “our only hope”, but nothing particularly telling. He sat up in his bed and rubbed his eyes, gazing into the dark.

The moonlight illuminated part of his room, revealing his computer complete with an item transfer accessory, his many Pokemon posters hanging on his wall, a bookshelf containing dozens of books about Pokemon, and a clock above his T.V. featuring a Charmander in the background. He had loved that clock since the day he had received it anonymously by mail, by some man from the mainland he had never met. The man must have known some things about him, however, as Charmander was his favorite Pokemon. He had asked his mom if she knew who it was, but she averted her eyes and said it was just an old acquaintance. Jeff suspected the man was his real father.

He squinted in an attempt to determine what time it was, but to no avail. He finally gave up trying to squint and staggered to his clock, half in pain and half in exhaustion. He could finally read the time when he was within five feet of it. It was four forty-seven AM. Sighing, he glanced at his bed, wishing he could indulge in the comfort of it for a little while longer, but his curiosity about the voices got the better of him, so he neglected his bed.

Suddenly, as he was turning around, his back and leg muscles exploded in agony. Unable to stand the pain, he fell to the floor and waited it out. The pain finally subsided after several minutes of whimpering and he was able to stand again. Grimacing, he rose to his feet.

He staggered to the door, holding on to the wall as he forced his body to move. He opened the door quietly and slowly slipped out of his room. As he made his way to the living room, he could hear his mom talking to Professor Drake. Once he was in plain sight, the thought occurred to him that they may not want him to hear them. However, before he could hide behind something, his mom glanced up and saw him. They immediately stopped talking and waited for him to join them. Jeff slowly walked over to them and sat on the couch, savoring the sudden comfort relieving him from his pain. He shifted his gaze from his mom to the professor and sat silently for a moment. He realized that they were waiting for him to speak, so he said, “what's going on?”

The professor was the first to answer. His voice sounded raspy and dry, but he was making an obvious effort to hide the fear in his voice. “You see, recent events have indicated that an imbalance has occurred somewhere in the world. I mean, it's not everyday that you see two legendary bird Pokemon fighting each other in the sky, especially in an area like this.”

“Very few things could have caused something like this to happen,” Jeff's mom continued. “The peace of the legendary bird Pokemon depends upon a delicate coexistence between the three elements: fire, lightning, and ice. Something must have happened to upset this balance.”

“It's very possible that Moltres may have moved to another region, like Johto or Hoenn,” Professor Drake said. “Legendary Pokemon are known for their habits of relocating themselves whenever they decide their territory is becoming compromised by trainers. Another possibility is that it has died, in which case chaos will ensue until the remaining birds are caught or another Moltres emerges.”

“The most likely thing that happened, though,” Jeff's mom said.” Is that someone managed to capture Moltres. They could have either been simply lucky in finding it and wanted it all to themselves or the perpetrator premeditated the capture, knowing full well what would happen if Moltres were caught. Whether or not they meant to cause the battles between Articuno and Zapdos is unknown, but this is the most plausible explanation we have.”

“Why are you telling me this?” Jeff asked. “I'm just a kid. I don't even have a Pokemon yet, nor am I capable of fixing this mess.”

“You're right. You are just a kid, and you don't have a Pokemon. Well, not yet at least,” Professor Drake said.

“The professor and I have been discussing this matter intently for the past three hours and have decided that it is time that you get your first Pokemon. When you feel ready you will go with the professor to his lab and pick one of the Pokemon he keeps there,” his mom said.

“What am I supposed to do? I don't even understand what's going on,” Jeff said. "I've never left the island! Hell, I've never even left our small town! How do you expect me to do this? There are plenty of kids in our town that could do it better than I." Jeff's breathing became heavier throughout the outburst, and he was panting when he finished. His mother gazed at him with a worried expression on her face, as if saying I know what you're going through.

“We need you to solve this mystery. Professor Drake, the excellent trainer that he is, is simply too old to journey to the Kanto mainland and unravel this tangled web of mystery. I would go in your place, but my Pokemon are needed here to protect the island from another battle, if one should occur. My health... isn't what it used to be either. That leaves you,” his mom explained.

“How will I do this?” Jeff asked, almost whispering. He could feel the terror growing in him. He began sweating profusely while contemplating the weight that was suddenly placed upon his unready shoulders. His mother's sad smile did nothing to alleviate the tension growing within him either. He just felt even more pressure build up. "I don't see how you can pin this all on me."

“You'll do just fine. I taught you everything I know about Pokemon, which is no small amount by any means, and you are my son. You can do anything you set your mind to. All you need to do is believe,” His mother said confidently, although her calm voice betrayed a tone of fear and... remorse. Jeff tried to ignore her tone, but nonetheless was frightened. If his mother, a world renowned Pokemon trainer, was scared of everything that was going on, Jeff felt that he should be crying in fear, curled up into a ball in some desolate corner of his basement to escape the harsh reality of the world. Things were changing much faster than he liked. The fact of his young age seemed obscure in the events that were unfolding. I can do nothing to get out of this, Jeff realized.

“We also have reason to believe that you are... The Chosen One,” the professor said hesitantly. His voice faltered near the end of that ominous statement. His eyes, too, seemed to avoid contact with Jeff's. A sad look befell both his mother's and Professor Drake's faces, as if they knew more. Jeff wasn't sure what the professor meant by him being The Chosen One, but he wasn't comfortable with the way the professor said that, and certainly wasn't comfortable with the way his mother twitched at the sound of those ill-fated words. He almost thought he saw a tear form in her eye, but in the blink of an eye it disappeared.

“The Chosen One?” Jeff asked finally. His voice shook uncontrollably, revealing his own fear and uncertainty. His eyes darted left and right in a nervous fit, unable to focus on any one thing. He could feel the panic rising. He tried to suppress it, but was barely successful from doing so. He feared that the stress alone would kill him. I never did take stress well... he thought.

“Yes,” his mom said, shooting Professor Drake a sharp look. She apparently didn't want him to know this yet. Not that it really mattered.

“The ancient texts say When the Winged Gods fly no more, a Chosen One will reverse the fall of light. The texts say more, but damage has prevented us from translating any more than a few descriptions about the Chosen One.” She said this all gloomily, as if she herself were delivering herself to be sacrificed to end the chaos. It was that moment that Jeff really knew how much she loved him. He felt sorry, in a way, although it was neither his nor her fault. Destiny had chosen him, and destiny alone was responsible for this terrible deed. If Jeff could have served justice to destiny, he would have without hesitation. He felt it unfair to ruin so many lives only because a simple imbalance had occurred.

“What do they say?” Jeff asked unsteadily. Despite the fear he felt, he was curious now. The fear still existed, but it was manageable now. He felt more in control of himself than he had a few minutes before. Interested by the subject of the ancient texts, he rested his head on his hands and prepared for an explanation. The explanation, however, was by no means complete.

“They say that the Chosen One will be born on an island dependent on no elements, that he will be born to a woman of notable reputation and to a man of mysterious origins, will grow up fatherless, and will be partial to the fire type,” Professor Drake said. “Our island is the only one of this region which has a name that does not stand for a pokemon type, your mother gained worldwide renown in her day by being the champion of the Kanto region, your father never spoke of his past in the time that we knew him, and ran off shortly after you were born, and your favorite pokemon is Charmander. Coincidence?”

“Wow,” Jeff said. “That's a perfect description for me.” He was now completely convinced that he was indeed The Chosen One. All doubts were now washed from his mind, but the fear remained, threatening to devour him as a wolf would gorge on a carcass. His stomach felt as if it were going to revolt, but Jeff was able to contain his sudden urge to throw up before it got too bad. I just don't want to leave home! Jeff thought. This is all I know of the world; this is all I want to know!

“There is no other boy on the island who fits that description,” his mother said. “Destiny has chosen you to save the world. Are you ready to answer to your fate?” A serious expression dominated his mother's usually easygoing face. Jeff knew that she was more serious about this than she had ever been about anything in her life, even more serious than she had been about training her Pokemon to become the legend she was.

“I have no choice,” Jeff responded, defeated. “If the world is really in danger, then how can I selfishly hide in my home, away from the mainland where surely things will accelerate much more quickly. I have to do this. I can't selfishly shelter myself from the chaos going on in the world while people and Pokemon out there are getting hurt or dying. If I do that then I am no better than the great thieves of Pokemon or trainers who abuse their Pokemon simply because they cannot win a battle. No, I do not want to do this, I don't want to leave my home, my friends, my family, but if it will save the world, then I will.” He dropped his gaze, unable to look his mother in the face and keep himself from crying at the same time. He felt her arms wrap around him into a hug, and he returned it sorrowfully, fully aware that he may never see her again once he left the island. His mind was made up, however, and there was no going back now. He could only move forward and hope to live through this ordeal.

“Okay. If you feel up to it then you can come with me to pick out your Pokemon at my lab,” Professor Drake said. “I'm sure you will want to say good-bye to your mom before you go. Remember, we don't have a lot of time to waste getting you ready. While you are with me your mom will pack anything and everything you will need to survive. Packing for comfort isn't an option at this point since time is against us. Hopefully you can find somewhere to stay in your travels.”

“Stop back here before you leave the island,” his mom said. “I want to see you one more time before you go, and you need to pick up your things.”

“I will,” Jeff replied. The professor nodded and headed towards the door. Mixed feelings of dread, excitement, and sadness overtook him at the same time. He hugged his mom once more before following the professor out the door and down the winding road to his lab, and into the destiny that awaited him.
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I am returning once again (hopefully for good). I will be updating Affliction regularly and reviewing other people's fics every so often. If you would like to request a review, then please send me a PM.

My FFC entry for April 2008: My Endless Loneliness
My Discontinued, Chaptered FanFiction: The Fall of Light
My current chaptered FanFiction: Affliction
My Parody of Pure Awesomeness (requires some context to fully appreciate): Sir. Aaron - A Parody

Last edited by Post Office Buddy; November 26th, 2008 at 01:43 AM. Reason: I added some more to this chapter. Decided it wasn't deep enough.
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  #11    
Old March 28th, 2008, 03:57 PM
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sorry to people who have already read this chapter, but I have added in more detail and dialogue to this chapter, so you may want to read it again to get the full impact of it. Again, I am sorry that I have wasted your time with the unedited chapter.
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I am returning once again (hopefully for good). I will be updating Affliction regularly and reviewing other people's fics every so often. If you would like to request a review, then please send me a PM.

My FFC entry for April 2008: My Endless Loneliness
My Discontinued, Chaptered FanFiction: The Fall of Light
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Old March 30th, 2008, 08:41 AM
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Wow, this chapter was four pages in Microsoft Word. This is easily the longest chapter I have written so far. There is a lot of detail and things you will need to remember later, so I recommend reading it thoroughly. Anyway, I hope you enjoy my latest chapter.


Chapter Four: I Choose Who?

Jeff stepped outside his house, eyes squinted against the bright rays of the rising sun. He lifted his left hand to shield his eyes from the blinding light. When his eyes adjusted to the sudden contrast, he looked around him. The town didn't seem much different from the night before save for a few patches of melting ice and burn marks scorched upon the ground. He saw a particularly large scorch mark where he guessed the bolt of lightning that had thrown him had hit. He limped over to the site, examining the ground around it in awe.

Any grass within three feet of the scorch marks radius was dead, presumably killed by the heat of the lightning. Grass after that point also suffered some damage. Many blades of grass were torn apart as if someone had simply mowed the lawn. Small patches of bare soil dotted the area, a testament to the power of Zapdos.

“How can anything possibly defeat these things?” Jeff wondered aloud.

“Not very many Pokemon can,” Professor Drake replied. Jeff jumped, startled. He hadn't even heard the professor approach him.

“How am I suppose to save the world, then?” Jeff asked, narrowing his eyes. “There can't possibly be any Pokemon you could give me that would ever match up to these things.”

“I wouldn't quite say that,” the professor said hesitantly. “Anyway, any Pokemon could potentially be that strong. All it takes is the right trainer.”

“So if Zapdos or Articuno were to be captured and trained, they would become even more powerful?” Jeff asked. Somehow he doubted that anything could surpass the power those Pokemon already possessed.

“I cannot say for sure,” the professor said. “There must surely be a limit to their strength. There is no way they are invincible.” The professor looked away as he said this, seeming to be unconvinced of this statement himself. Jeff realized that the professor wasn't going to be completely honest with him. “As I said, it would take the right trainer to increase the strength of these special Pokemon.”

“To become as strong as them I will have to train for years!” Jeff exclaimed, feeling overwhelmed by the implications of training. “How can I save the world if I am incapacitated by training?” Jeff quickly calculated the odds of having enough training under his belt by the time he would be forced to face the legendary bird Pokemon, and decided he wasn't exactly thrilled by his chances. They seemed simply too strong for him to defeat.

“There are numerous ways to improve your Pokemon's power. However, you must discover these yourself,” the professor informed. He seemed sincere in this regard, making eye contact with Jeff with a somber expression evident in his face.

“Oh, great, no help in this, huh?” Jeff said, sarcasm dripping from his voice. He realized after saying this that perhaps the professor really couldn't help him, that perhaps he was just as clueless as Jeff was about how to go about training his future Pokemon.

“You must choose your own path,” the professor responded. “I cannot dictate your actions for you. By doing things you will learn how to train quickly and efficiently. You must discover for yourself the secrets that have been kept for hundreds of years by the world's most successful families of trainers. There are many things that I know, but there are also many things I do not know. The knowledge I do possess I cannot give you, and any trainers you find on your journey will likely be the same way.” His voice was stern, with a steel in his voice that seemed to chide Jeff for being so sarcastic.

“I'm sorry,” Jeff mumbled apologetically. “I just don't know what to do. I've never been a part of anything so serious in my life. I can't even imagine where to start.”

“It's quite alright,” the professor remarked humorously. “Many trainers have mocked me for denying them my precious knowledge, but you are among few who have admitted the err of their ways. You are truly great for that.”

“Thanks,” Jeff replied. “That's a great compliment coming from someone as influential as you. Maybe you can tell me how to start this cursed quest?” Jeff inquired, hope shining in his bright green eyes. Maybe he can set me on the right track, he thought hopefully. I can figure out what to do from there.

“My suggestion?” the professor asked. “I always suggest to new trainers that they should go to the mainland and defeat the eight gyms of the region and the Pokemon league. I think you should do this as well since it will give you invaluable battling experience and will help train your Pokemon quickly. You can choose to do something else, but that is the best advice I can give you right now.” The professor said all of this with a serious edge to his voice, but appeared eager to help him in any way possible.

“Thanks,” Jeff said. “I appreciate your advice. I think I will take the gym leader challenge.”

“Then follow me to my lab,” the professor said. “It is time for you to receive your first Pokemon.”

******************************

Jeff and the professor arrived at the lab, which was situated at the top of the tallest hill in the town. The door opened and one of Professor Drake's lab assistants emerged from the entrance, a warm smile on his face. The assistant had red hair and black, beady eyes that didn't fit the rest of his face. Jeff's first impression of the assistant's face was that it should belong to a Rattata, but upon closer inspection decided that it would be more fitting on a Raticate.

“Hello Professor. I take it that this young man is going to receive his first Pokemon today?” he inquired. His gaze shifted from the professor to Jeff, as if asking both of them at the same time.

“Yes, Gareth. I wish to let him choose from my entire collection.” Professor Drake said with emphasis. “This young man here, Jeff, is the one we have been praying for these past years. I would be disappointed if we didn't accommodate him to the best of our abilities.” Professor Drake's voice seemed strained, as if he were trying to conceal something from Jeff. Whatever he was trying to hide, he did an excellent job of keeping hidden since Jeff could glean nothing from what the professor said. Just that he was the one they had hoped for within the past few years, but he already knew that.

“Very well, I will prepare everything. A young girl showed up an hour ago asking about you. She is waiting inside if you wish to see her,” Gareth said, his voice also strained. He looked at Jeff with an expression of pity etched on his face, as if he knew exactly what Jeff was to face. But there was something more to his look that alerted Jeff. Gareth seemed to make little eye contact, as if he were expecting Jeff to keel over and die at any moment. This behavior made Jeff disconcerted and fearful of what Gareth knew about him that he didn't know.

“Very well, I will speak to her while you get the Pokemon ready,” the professor replied. “It may be something important. I can't afford to dismiss any guests after what happened last night.” Professor Drake's eyes slanted in curiosity about what may have occurred to bring someone to his lab.

They walked inside the lab and headed towards Professor Drake's office. The professor opened the door and stepped inside. Jeff followed close behind and saw Katy sitting in a chair at the professor's desk. Surprised, he tried to hide a blush and remained standing by the door, nervous and unsure of what he was supposed to do. He tried to act nonchalant, but he sensed that she knew what was going on. He felt like running out of the room. Heck, he would even prefer fighting the legendary birds at that very moment with nothing but his fists. However, he was curious as to her visit and resisted the urge to escape.

“Hello, Katy, I heard you wanted to see me?” the professor asked. He seemed bewildered as to why a girl of her age was waiting in the office. Jeff could tell that he doubted that she had any useful information, or that she would be any help whatsoever. His impression was wrong, however.

“Yes, professor,” Katy said. Her voice shook a little at being addressed, but she possessed enough composure to continue. “I heard that Jeff was going to be leaving soon on a journey, and I was wondering if I could go with him. I thought he might need some company and, well, we've been best friends since we were ten. Nobody else on the island knows him as well as I do and I think I could help him in whatever he's doing.” She seemed downcast, perhaps thinking that her request would be denied.

"That's your decision, not mine,” the professor said. “There's something more to this, isn't there?” Surprised, Katy raised an eyebrow above her sparkling blue eyes. Seeing those eyes always made Jeff's heart stop. They were as blue as the ocean and seemed just as deep, if not deeper. Jeff was sometimes afraid that he would get lost in them if he stared too long and would accidentally reveal his feelings about his childhood friend.

“Yes,” Katy responded. She looked at the floor. “I was just wondering if I could get a Pokemon from you. You know, so that I could help him if something happens.” Again, she seemed convinced that her request would be turned down. She was already blushing in embarrassment for asking such a question.

“Well, of course you can have a Pokemon!” the professor said heartily. “You're at the age where trainers usually get their first Pokemon anyway, and what is a better time than today? You'll just have to wait for Jeff to choose his, though. It's very important that he gets a choice out of every Pokemon I have in my possession.” Professor Drake smiled at Katy when she looked up from the floor, happiness and surprise showing quite plainly in her face. She had a huge smile on her face, a testament to the immense joy that gripped her heart. Jeff's heart flip-flopped in his chest, and Jeff was deathly afraid of passing out. It passed, however, and he was only left with a lack of air.

“I understand,” Katy said excitedly, her soft blue eyes lighting up and shining with joy. Jeff understood this joy; he was feeling the same way at that very moment. She was just much more expressive than he was, perhaps as a result of the surprise she had experienced.

“I think my assistant should be just about ready,” the professor said. As if to prove the professor correct, a soft rap emanated from the door. The professor opened the door to see Gareth standing there, smiling his familiar smile and holding a small, red instrument.

“The Pokemon are ready, professor,” Gareth said.

“Okay, now follow me you two,” the professor instructed. They walked down the hall into one of the large side rooms of the lab. In the room were three large boxes overfilled with Pokeballs. Jeff's jaw dropped in shock at the sight of all of those Pokeballs. He almost couldn't believe his eyes. There must be at least a hundred Pokemon here! he thought.

“So, each of these holds a Pokemon?” Jeff asked wondrously.

“Correct. Why not grab one and see what's inside?” the professor asked. Jeff picked up a Pokeball and pressed the middle button gently. A quick burst of light released a Pidgey from the Pokeball. Jeff scrutinized the Pokemon carefully, deciding whether or not to choose it. “Take your time,” the professor said. “Make sure you see more than just that before choosing.”

Jeff picked up another ball and pressed the button on it. Out of this one came a Ledyba. More Pokemon Jeff saw in the box included Remoraid, Trapinch, Bagon, Oddish, Pikachu, Cyndaquil, and many others. Jeff was three Pokeballs away from the bottom of the third box when he found the Pokemon he wanted. The Pokeball it was in was marked differently than any of the others. It had three gold stars surrounding the center button, and the top half of the capsule was black rather than the standard red, with the bottom half a deep blue rather than the normal white a Pokeball had. He held it carefully, as if with the wrong movement the ball would shatter into a thousand pieces. He pressed the button in the center, and with a burst of light, released a black Charmander.

“Interesting,” the professor muttered under his breath. Jeff didn't pay attention, though, but marveled at the Charmander's jet black flesh, the sleekness of it's body and the intelligence in it's eyes. He stared at it for five minutes before saying anything. He could only think, It's just so beautiful.

“I want this one,” Jeff whispered, mostly to himself. He continued to stare at it, taking in it's undeniable beauty. His eyes followed every rippling muscle, every curve of it's flesh. Jeff could almost feel tears come to his eyes. He had simply never seen anything so perfect before. It was just like the first time he had heard the Beatles.

“Okay Katy, it is your turn to choose a Pokemon,” Professor Drake said, smiling. Jeff thought he saw a silver of a tear emerge from his eye, but in the blink of an eye it was gone.

Katy looked in the third box and pulled out one of the two remaining Pokeballs. She pressed the button in the center and out came a Totodile. Katy smiled to herself and looked at Professor Drake. “I think I might want this one, but I want to see what the last Pokemon in the box is,” she said with emotion.

“Okay, feel free to look,” the professor said. Katy took out the last Pokeball in the box. This one, too, was different. It had strange symbols around it that looked like pictures, but made no sense whatsoever to Jeff. Before Katy could press the button, the Pokeball lifted from her palm and opened in midair, revealing a shape strange and unfamiliar to Jeff or Katy.

The Pokemon that had emerged was rather small, about half of Katy's height, and looked to be a light pinkish color. It had a long tail that seemed to be constantly moving along with large, intelligent eyes set in its feline head. It blinked and continued to hover in the air, staring at Katy. Katy stared back, wonder in her eyes.

“I see Mew likes you,” the professor said, breaking the silence. “Nobody that has come to my lab has ever managed to open that Pokeball. I found it years ago when I was exploring an island in the tropics. I had no idea what it was and instantly began studying it. I tried everything I could to open it, but nothing worked. I decided that whatever was inside was waiting for the right trainer to come along and open the ball. I never expected you to be this trainer.” He was extremely startled by this, but did not appear upset. Instead, he seemed happy that the Mew had been summoned from its slumber.

“I... I love it,” Katy said softly. Her eyes shone with love and adoration. Oh how Jeff longed to be looked at by Katy like that. He felt as if he could melt on the spot. The Mew drifted towards Katy and touched her arm. Her eyes opened wide and she touched the spot Mew had touched. She looked at Jeff with a look of amazement in her eyes. In the spot Mew touched her arm was now a small, white oval. It glowed on her arm, and was whiter than anything Jeff had ever seen.

“I can hear his thoughts now,” she said. “It's so weird, I've never experienced anything like this before. They're not like our thoughts, either. They're clearer, more defined. They're... I can't really explain it. It's as if I see and know everything.”

“Remarkable!” Gareth breathed. Both him and the professor looked shocked by this news. “This means that Mew is a psychic type after all, not normal type like we thought he was.”

“This is amazing!” the professor exclaimed. “Nothing like this has ever happened before. Katy, you have rewritten Pokemon theory.” She blushed and looked down in embarrassment.

Mew, Mew Mew Mew, the Mew thought. Jeff was amazed that he communicated like this to everyone.

“He said that he is opposed to fighting,” Katy translated. “Does that mean I get another Pokemon?”

“Go ahead and keep that Totodile,” Professor Drake said. “You have more than earned it. I think that you, too, have a role to play in the events to come.”

“Thank you, professor,” Katy said, happiness showing in her eyes. “I will take good care of it.”

“I'm sure you will,” the professor replied. “Please, before I forget, take these Pokedexes with you. They will prove valuable in your journey. Also, have these Pokeballs as well. You may need to catch some wild Pokemon to strengthen your team. I wish we could study Mew a little more, but we really are running out of time. I'm afraid that you must go now, for the ship to Pallet Town leaves in half an hour. When you get to Pallet, find Professor Oak. He will give you a map of the region and will give you some advice on Pokemon catching.”

“Thanks,” Jeff and Katy said in unison.

“I wish you the best of luck on your journey,” the professor said.

“I do too,” said Gareth. “Put a stop to this chaos before something worse happens.”
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Old April 1st, 2008, 02:07 PM
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Wow, another long chapter. I hope this doesn't discourage anyone from reading this :/


Chapter Five: Prison Break
Entei awoke and found himself in the same lab he had been in the day before, strapped to the table in the same manner as before. In fact, the only thing that had changed about the room was the intensity of the lights, which were dimmed to be nearly off. Entei peered across the room, trying to make out distinct shapes, but could only identify a few things; a glass panel through which Entei could see lab coats displayed in racks, a half-filled cupboard in the wall bursting with safety goggles, and various stretchers littered throughout the room. Nothing seemed to be of particular use to Entei's cause, so he scanned over a vast majority of items in the room. His eyes finally rested on a display case in the far corner of the room, seemingly forged of solid gold and dully reflecting the little light that shone throughout the room. Entei decided that he needed a better look at that display case, if not only to see what it contained beneath its glass panel. Perhaps something in there can help me escape, he thought.

Entei glanced down at his bindings, taking note that they seemed to be made of conventional leather. Shame on Mewtwo for restraining me with something so delicate, Entei mused. It will be child's play to break the bindings. Putting all of his strength into snapping the bindings, Entei managed to stretch them out far enough to slip through. He was surprised; he hadn't thought that the bindings were that strong. Some other power must have been at work there.

Entei rose to his feet, stretching out its atrophied muscles with joy. He could almost taste the freedom he longed for; it was a sweet taste in the midst of the prevailing bitterness surrounding his capture. Testing his abilities to determine if he had been weakened by the captivity, he blew a small stream of fire from his mouth. Satisfied with the results, he made his way to the display case to see what lay within it.

Entei's left hind leg was a little sore, so Entei had to limp slowly to the case, taking care not to put too much pressure on the injured leg. He could only move at three quarters of his normal walking speed in this manner, but slowly grew used to the awkward way he had to walk. His speed slowly increased as he made his way to the case. When he got to the case, he looked through the clear diamond cover on the top and gasped. Inside of the display case were trophies from Mewtwo's attacks on Entei's brethren in the hidden island communities.

Many claws were lain out upon a violet cloth underneath them, along with other body parts scattered neatly throughout the showcase. Entei could make out a dismembered forelimb, some hairs from the mane of his brothers, a foot, even a head. Sickened, Entei turned away from the showcase, tears forming in his eyes. Maybe I am the last of my species, he thought soberly. It appears Mewtwo hunted down my entire species and murdered them. He began to feel the familiar anger that had gripped him as a small Entei, an anger that had taken decades to calm, an anger which had nearly ended the world. I WILL get my revenge, Entei thought, shaking with a mix of rage and sadness. Mewtwo cannot be allowed to go unpunished in the midst of this great crime. His days are numbered.

Again, Entei surveyed the room, looking for a possible escape. A door on the opposite side of the room caught his eye. It appeared to be of normal strength to Entei, which meant that it would be easy to smash. A split second decision ended with Entei making his way towards the door, rage building with every step. When he reached the door, the rage was nearing his breaking point, threatening to take over and let Entei wreak havoc throughout the lab. He managed to suppress it, however, and took out his frustration on the door. With one clean swipe of his mighty paw, the door flew off its hinges and smashed the wall opposite him. Almost instantaneously an alarm sounded throughout the building, alerting everyone of his escape attempt. Entei didn't care; he would destroy anything and everything in his path. Such was the power of his anger.

Stepping proudly into the corridor and roaring with pure hate and rage, he began his escape. His first objective was to find Moltres to build firepower. He looked left and right, trying to decide which way would be best, and finally decided to turn right. He kicked in any door he found in the wall in hopes of finding Moltres, but he was unsuccessful in doing so. The building turned out to be circular in shape, and Entei neared the room just before his. Moltres must be in there, Entei thought. I've searched the rest of the building. There is no other possible place he could be.

Pausing before the door, Entei listened for any hints as to what could be waiting for him on the other side of the closed door. He could hear nothing, however, so deftly kicked the door in. Before he could react, something tackled him to the ground. Entei's body slammed into the floor, knocking the wind out of him and leaving him lying limp on the ground. Sore, Entei climbed to his feet and glanced at his opponent. He froze when he realized who it was that was facing him, although he could not believe it.

So, trying to escape, Entei? Moltres asked. Entei could not believe his eyes. The very Pokemon he had spent the past half hour searching frantically for now opposed him, fighting for the monstrosity that was Mewtwo. Entei felt sickened and confused, unable to figure out why Moltres would suddenly fight for evil rather than against it. His heart pounded vigorously in his chest, threatening to explode outward if nothing kept it in check. His blood pressure was much higher than normal and Entei was sure that his veins would explode if he couldn't gain control of his blood pressure.

Why would you fight with the abomination? Entei asked Moltres, a hint of hysteria in his voice. Do you not know what he has done to Pokemon all over the world? Have you seen the dismembered remains of your brethren? Of your brothers and sisters, parents, friends? No matter how hard he tried, Entei could not keep a small amount of fear from creeping into his voice. Moltres only laughed.

Yes, I have seen these things. But Mewtwo has promised me power, and has already begun to give me some so that I might fight alongside him in the battle to come. He told me that you might attempt to escape and that you would certainly try to rescue me as well, so I have waited for you for the past day in hopes that I might have the privilege of capturing you or killing you, whichever one was more convenient. He said he didn't need you anyway, since you're weaker than he would like you to be anyway. So I might just feel inclined to kill you. Moltres' facial expression did not change throughout this except to sneer at Entei after his little speech. Entei noticed that Moltres' eyes seemed empty and void of awareness.

He has you brainwashed, Entei thought urgently. You must fight the control he has over you! He purposely let a touch of fear into his voice now, hoping that it might snap Moltres out of the daze he was in. It did not work, however, and Entei was answered by a burst of fire from Moltres' great beak.

Stop your nonsense. I choose to be in this state so that Master Mewtwo can advise me if I needed such help. I doubt I will need to call on him, however, since you are so weak and I am so strong. Now, I have a way for you to live and serve Master Mewtwo without suffering for attempting to escape and destroying half of his great lab. Moltres' blank stare seemed to mock him, enraging Entei to the extreme. Still, Entei was curious to the terms of his unpunished surrender.

What do you demand? Entei asked with no intention of giving up. Humor me. Moltres glared at him at these words, obviously thinking that Entei did not deserve humoring. He gave in, though, and described what would happen if he chose a particular decision.

Master Mewtwo wishes that you praise him and swear fealty to him. If you do so, you can return to your room and train with us unharmed, Moltres said. You must also beg me not to kill you as well. I am very tempted to do so right now. You have no idea how easy and satisfying it would be to dig my beak into your neck, cutting off your blood flow to your brain by severing all major arteries in your neck. I will give you two minutes to make up your mind, then you must tell me what you have decided. Moltres was deadly serious, and Entei could see that he was eying his neck eagerly, licking his beak in anticipation of maybe ending Entei's life. Entei already knew that he was not going to give up, but he wanted to use the time he was provided to formulate a rough plan on how to incapacitate Moltres. He did not want to kill him since he was most likely under the power of Mewtwo, but he could not afford to let him stay conscious if he hoped to escape. He glanced fervently around the corridor and was struck by an idea. He thought it out further and decided that it could work. He tried to plan it out better, but knew that time was running out. He needed only a few more minutes, just to fool-proof the plan he had in mind.

So if I decide to deny you and Mewtwo, then I will surely die? Entei asked. He was trying to stall a bit longer to throw off any suspicions Moltres had of his intentions. It seemed to work as Moltres thought for a moment before responding, as though choosing his words with delicacy.

Yes, and I cannot guarantee that I will make it quick and painless either, Moltres thought with a sick smile. So what have you decided? Live or die? Entei felt uneasy, knowing that Moltres was more than willing to kill him and that he would certainly become Mewtwo's slave if he decided to stay.

How will I benefit by joining Mewtwo? Entei asked, still stalling. I want to be sure that I will get something from this other than just my life. Entei continued analyzing his plan and how he would have to time it as Moltres thought. He didn't have long to think, however, as Moltres responded almost immediately.

Negotiator type, are you? Moltres said, impressed. Maybe you aren't so stupid after all. I will train you alongside Moltres to allow you to gain more-, Moltres began, but immediately saw his mistake. Entei saw through the disguise clearly at that moment, as Mewtwo had referred to Moltres by name through Moltres' mouth. Entei was now certain that Mewtwo was controlling Moltres.

It seems I was right, Entei mused. In that case, I have no desire to be a puppet and I reject your offer. With that, Entei surprised Moltres by jumping towards the wall and pushing himself off, hurtling himself towards Moltres. He collided and pinned Moltres against the wall, knocking the wind out of him and injuring one of his wings as well. Entei swung his mighty paw at Moltres' head and connected with enough force to shatter stone, but Moltres, being powerful as he was, was merely knocked out. Moltres slid to the floor as Entei pushed himself away. He stood there for a moment, surveying his work, before moving the unconscious Moltres. Filled with sadness, Entei pushed Moltres into the room he had emerged from and blocked the doorway with doors he had destroyed. Satisfied with his work, he turned to leave.

It took Entei another ten minutes to find the exit to the building, but he found it. He had never been so happy in his life, yet he had also never been so sad in his life. Although he, Entei, was free, Moltres was still a prisoner, unable to even control his own actions. Moltres' imprisonment suppressed Entei from expressing his joy of escape physically, but he nevertheless celebrated in his mind.

He walked one hundred meters away from the cursed building before turning around. He stood still for a time, letting the implications of what had happened sink in. I will rescue you, Moltres, Entei thought. I don't know when or how, but someday, you will be free. His silent vow made, Entei turned away from the laboratory and began walking, knowing full well that Mewtwo would pursue him and would not stop until Entei was either his or dead. This knowledge eating at him like a worm, he walked on.
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I am returning once again (hopefully for good). I will be updating Affliction regularly and reviewing other people's fics every so often. If you would like to request a review, then please send me a PM.

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  #14    
Old April 1st, 2008, 07:38 PM
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nice. i like it alot. but chapter 3 was kinda cliche.
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Old April 1st, 2008, 07:42 PM
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Yeah, I'm really sorry about the cliche I used in chapter three. I kind of botched the whole "saving the world" thing I tried to stress, and it sounded more like just some normal trainer starting his Pokemon journey. Once I finish the current chapter I am writing then I will most likely begin a second revision of each chapter, including the prologue which I realize now was much too short and seemed kind of wasted in terms of effect on me.
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I am returning once again (hopefully for good). I will be updating Affliction regularly and reviewing other people's fics every so often. If you would like to request a review, then please send me a PM.

My FFC entry for April 2008: My Endless Loneliness
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  #16    
Old April 1st, 2008, 10:31 PM
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Sorry for the delay - had some other things... like revision and homework.

Now then, I have to say much better there. The level of description and all seems about right there - much more enjoyable and quite unlike the first few chapters in term of quality - vast improvement. And the plot seems rather strong still.

Interesting now that the antagonist (ignoring Entei for the moment) was introduced. He seems somewhat interesting, and there seems to be a bit of a thing for Katy... but there is a major thing here that I have to point out - these two Pokemon seems a bit likelike Gary Stu and Mary Sue respectively.

In other words, they seem 2-D, generic 'I'm-gonna-use-shiny/legendary-Pokemon-to-become-the-champion-and-save-the-world' characters, and little wrong with them - ie not very realistic.

For instance, this line says it all:
Quote:
“How am I suppose to save the world, then?” Jeff asked, narrowing his eyes.
Well, firstly, save the world? You did explain it somewhat, but a tad too quickly and without having him really consider this too much, for me. His character seems bland, and couldn't see many flaws in him - just seems like a guy to me at the moment... try to develop him further.
Then you gave him a shiny Charmander (which, by the way, is actually oragey-yellow rather than black - only becomes so when it evolves into a Charaizad - fix that!) - which is somewhat... questionable. I can understand that the professor is helping him to save the world and so he gets it, but might use a bit more backing up, as well as being rather unlikely, to say the least. Seems just too unlikely and unrealistic, as well as Katy getting Mew...
In the third chapter, also, there was a lack of emotion there really - and Jeff seems to accept these far too easily...

Quote:
“Wow,” Jeff said. “That's a perfect description for me.” He was now completely convinced that he was indeed The Chosen One. All doubts were now washed from his mind, but the fear remained, threatening to devour him as a wolf would gorge on a carcass.
Just like that - I doubt that would be the case. Wouldn't he, say, demand to see these ancient texts or something? Have this 'acceptance' a far more gradual precess. He's speech seemed a bit too cliche and... odd as well - 'I must do this' - makes the character of Jeff seemingly like a robot, rather than a human - 'Save the world - 'Ok!"'. He did start to do so later (4th chapter), but it seemed a bit late for that then...

So - try to back things up far more in that regard - many a person will stop reading a fic if they see this pattern emerge. That's not going to be easy if you plan to keep it like this, but will be needed. Note - I am not saying you HAVE to change it around completely - it can stay as it is, as it is your story, but if it does, it needs less of the 'Imma-going-to-save-the-world-with-my-shiny-Charizard!" factor so to speak. This can also be averted in future chapters as well.

Other than that, it was good. Description was good, the eevnts WERE interesting, and I loved the part with you showing us Katy's reaction to being told 'yes, you can get a Pokemon' - that was great description, good character interaction and did tell us a fair bit more on Jeff and Katy. The third does need some more work than the 4th, I have to say, particular in characters reacting to news... but better than before.

The 5th chapter was solid - good plot/event flow and all. Nice action, and quite a good bit of atmosphere and tension there - and nice relevaation to the fact that Moltres is really controlled by Mewtwo - liked that. Length was good too. That was what you should be aiming at - keep it at that level, with small bits of improvements, and that is what we're looking for.

Do slightly question Mewtwo stopping Entei - if Moltres failed yet Mewtwo knew, why did Mewtwo not go there himself and smash Entei a good one?

Other stuff:
Quote:
He realized that they were waiting for him to speak, so he said, “What's going on?”
Would advise to re-word this part however. Also, don't use 'said' too much - try to mix that up more.
Quote:
He saw a particularly large scorch mark where he guessed the bolt of lightning that had thrown him had hit.

How does Lightning 'throw him'? These part did seem a bit vague - 'Zapdos came, burned the ground with electricity, and...yeah' - seemed too far up in the air really. And it seemed to have been forgotten about a bit after the prof came around.

Quote:
The professor looked away as he said this, seeming to be unconvinced of this statement himself.

Suggest 'seemingly unconvinced' in place of that, but not really nesserary.
Quote:
Jeff's heart flip-flopped in his chest, and Jeff was deathly afraid of passing out.

Two Jeff's - but other than that you are not repeating words as much now - good work on that.
However, you do sometimes repeat statements a bit too much - e.g.:
Quote:
He glanced fervently around the corridor and was struck by an idea. He thought it out further and decided that it could work. He tried to plan it out better, but knew that time was running out. He needed only a few more minutes, just to fool-proof the plan he had in mind.

That part sounds like this:
'I have an idea? - seems the idea might work - needs improvement but need more time - need to gain some time to make it fool-proof'
Somewhat repeating parts of that here and there, and this slowed down the pacing just a bit to make the tension slide just a tad in that scene - which I still liked very much by the way.
Quote:
Entei's left hind leg was a little sore, so Entei had to limp slowly to the case, taking care not to put too much pressure on the injured leg. He could only move at three quarters of his normal walking speed in this manner, but slowly grew used to the awkward way he had to walk. His speed slowly increased as he made his way to the case.

Leg is sore - have to limp - can only go so fast - getting slowly faster... - it's good description, but a bit too much focused on this one thing - the leg is sore so he has to start of slower than usual. Does sound like you are repeating this idea a bit - and having mentioned that it was sore a paragraph or two ago, made it more so.
Quote:
It was just like the first time he had heard the Beatles.

Heh.
Quote:
He walked one hundred meters away from the cursed building before turning around.

One one hundred? Why not 237 metres? Seems an unnesseray fact really.

Overall, though, much better than before, more intriguing and interesting. Quite liked this improvement - keep it up!
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Old April 6th, 2008, 05:52 PM
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Thanks for the feedback, it is very much appreciated. The chapter I am posting today is VERY long (it took me a week to write it) and is very likely to be weak in some areas. I think I did a good job with it though, and I will try to not take up any more space than this at this moment. Be prepared for eight Word offices of Pokemon writing lol.

Chapter Six: A Look In the Past
Mewtwo slammed his fists into one of the destroyed lab's many walls, enraged that the Entei had managed to escape. His puppet, Moltres, lay on the ground before him, still knocked out from its battle with Entei. Mewtwo glared at the limp form of Moltres, anger and hatred burning in his eyes. The fact that he had revealed his control of Moltres and the fact that Entei had picked up the mistake in his speech infuriated him to near loss of control. But despite the fact that Moltres had not served its purpose, Mewtwo saw no reason to cast the blame on him. It was he, after all, who had left the laboratory in Moltres' hands to search out Articuno.

I knew I should have left one of my other slaves here with Moltres, Mewtwo thought bitterly. Perhaps then Entei would not have been able to escape. Mewtwo did not believe this, though. He realized now that Entei was far stronger than he had thought. Some kind of mix of self preservation and perseverance granted Entei far more power than Mewtwo believed any of the legendaries could possess. I was wrong to think that Entei was unworthy of my power.

Moltres twitched slightly under the heavy fog of unconsciousness, but did not stir. Mewtwo had waited patiently for some hours for Moltres to awaken, but despite some small twitches and stretching that succeeded in quickening Mewtwo's evil heart, Moltres showed no signs of waking from its slumber. Sighing, Mewtwo picked a pebble up from the ground with his mind and hurled it at Moltres with force great enough to wake it. The pebble connected with Moltres' rear end and the Moltres instantly snapped awake. It blinked in confusion, obviously unsure of where it was. Mewtwo had expected something like this.

What... what happened? Moltres asked, dazed. Where am I? A confused look dominated Moltres' usually blank face.

“You are at my lab, Moltres,” Mewtwo answered neutrally. “You were just defeated by Entei in a battle. What do you have to say for yourself?” A hint of anger seeped into Mewtwo's voice, and his eyes bore holes into Moltres' usually proud attitude as a drill would bore a hole through a piece of wood. Moltres' shuddered and cowered away from Mewtwo, fear welling up inside of him. His beak moved mutely for a few seconds before it was able to communicate to Mewtwo.

I... I don't know, Moltres replied. I don't even remember fighting Entei. The last thing I remember is fighting you on Mount Ember!

“You don't remember volunteering to join me when I promised you power and glory?” Mewtwo said slyly. “What a shame, now I may have to retract my offer.”

No! I will follow you! Moltres exclaimed quickly. I will do as you wish! Although I don't remember anything before this moment, I will follow you without question.

Very good, Mewtwo thought, pleased. It worked better than I thought.

“Just remember to call me 'master' and obey every command I give you,” Mewtwo said. “I promise that you will possess greater power than any other Moltres has or ever will have if you do these simple things.”

Yes, master. I will do as you wish, Moltres said, submitting himself to Mewtwo.

“Good, see to it that you don't forget again,” Mewtwo said. “Now, to this Entei problem.”

Couldn't you have come to apprehend Entei before he left, master? Moltres asked innocently. You could surely destroy him in battle!

“That may be the case, but I was too tired to teleport after hunting Articuno for hours on end, and I couldn't fly here fast enough,” Mewtwo responded wearily. “By the time I arrived, any trails Entei left disappeared. It will take a while to find him.” Mewtwo did not appear angry or sad about this. In fact, he sounded happier than anything else. Moltres was puzzled as to why Mewtwo could be happy about something as prized as Entei could get away.

Why do you sound cheerful, master? Moltres asked fearfully. I would have thought that the escape of Entei would anger you, but it seems to have done the opposite.

“That is because I now have an enemy that will be a challenge to hunt down and defeat,” Mewtwo replied. “Entei is much more powerful than any one of us thought. He possesses a tenacity that few others in this world have. He has the will to continue when other Pokemon would just give up. He is truly worthy of a full-out battle with me. Also, I can almost guarantee that he will try to enlist the aid of the other legendary Pokemon, and following his trail will make the task of catching them all much easier.”

Are you sure Entei is worthy of this? Moltres' asked, resentment reverberating deep within his voice. Moltres did not like the fact that Entei was now more worthy to Mewtwo than he was. He, Moltres, was loyal to Mewtwo, would sacrifice his very life to save Mewtwo's, yet Mewtwo was much more interested in Entei than he was in him. He even suspected that Mewtwo would sacrifice him without a second thought if it saved him or Entei.

“Yes, I am positive. There have been very few Pokemon in this world that have earned my respect, and Entei is now one of them,” Mewtwo said. “Most of the Pokemon that earn my respect can match or exceed my power, but some others have managed to do this in other ways.”

There are others that can match your power? Moltres asked incredulously. Impossible!

“There are a few Pokemon who are equal or near equal to me in power, but there is one who surpasses me in every way, shape, and form,” Mewtwo said dreamily. “It is my goal to defeat this adversary of mine. I refuse to be stopped.” He stared into the darkness, reminiscing of Pokemon that he had battled but had either stalemated or lost against. It took him a while to collect his thoughts.

Which Pokemon were these? Moltres asked curiously. I have never heard of anything stronger than you. Not even the great Rayquaza can match your might!

“Well, there were three Pokemon that have strength equal to mine,” Mewtwo answered. “I will tell you of my battles with them first...”

**************

Mewtwo landed carefully on the desolate wasteland, surveying the damage done during the Pokemon War in a region far from Kanto, Johto, Hoenn, or even Sinnoh. The earth below him was a sick orange color, devoid of any plant or animal life. The only other feature on this vast plain than the boulders strewn about were the limp forms of fallen Pokemon. Although Mewtwo generally supported death and destruction, the degree of carnage before him failed to trigger any emotion other than anger in him. He felt no joy in the deaths these Pokemon had suffered at the hands of their enemies. Many Pokemon that had died in this war were just innocent wild Pokemon, ignorant of the politics of the war or advocates of peace that had simply come across the wrong squadron of Pokemon. Mewtwo could feel happiness when Pokemon died in an honorable fight, but not when they were caught unaware and slaughtered, perhaps tortured, for exhibition. He needed to put an end to this now.

The Pokemon Mewtwo sought was notoriously strong despite its reportedly “cute” appearance. It was said to have powerful psychic abilities and capable of using a large variety of different types of attacks. Although Mewtwo, too, was varied in attack styles, he still felt a nervous wrench in his stomach. He had never fought an enemy so reputedly powerful, one who possessed psychic abilities that could match or defeat his. He thought of turning back at that moment, but his thoughts turned instead to the Pokemon who had died in this war, whether for peace or for pride, and the understanding that this war would not end until the main cause of the war was destroyed. With that in mind, he walked across the field.

It took some time to find the Pokemon Mewtwo was looking for, but he finally located it among a group of battle-hardened Blastoise that were scouring the battlefield in search for enemies that may have lived through the ferocious battle. A red glint shone in their eyes; it was obvious that they had been converted to this state by some power, either through mind control or through persuasion.

Mewtwo immediately saw his foe in the center of the circle, floating above the ground with a kind of diligence, as if it knew it was stronger than the Blastoise that guarded it. It had a large, white head that was out of proportion with the rest of its small body, eyes rimmed with black circles, and tiny appendages coming out of an extremely small body. Mewtwo's eyes narrowed in hatred when he saw the Pokemon. The Pokemon soon noticed Mewtwo, and twitched in surprise. Good, Mewtwo thought. Looks like I confused it.

I take it that you are a rebel? The Celebi asked. There is no identification mark on you though. I thought I made it clear to Deoxys that all Pokemon were to have an ID mark if they were to be sent out into battle. Celebi seemed genuinely confused by this, and scanned Mewtwo's body several times before deciding that he, indeed, did not have an identification mark.

“I came here to battle with you, Celebi,” Mewtwo replied coolly. “I wish this war to end, and that will only happen with you and Deoxys gone. I decided to fight you first because you were easier to find, and I have something against grass-psychics.” Mewtwo seethed with anger, his glare cutting into Celebi as a lawn mower would cut through grass. Celebi flinched at this glare, but quickly regained composure.

A speaking Pokemon, eh? Celebi asked with contempt. And you think you can defeat me alone? Ha! I will honor you with a battle if you can defeat my legion of Blastoise. Now, attack that thing! The Blastoise began spraying water from their cannons on their backs in an effort to knock out Mewtwo. Mewtwo merely deflected the attacks with a simple barrier attack. The Blastoise ceased their attacks, surprised by the ease with which Mewtwo had stopped their attack. Mewtwo chuckled and lifted his hand as if to pass judgement on the Blastoise. With no warning, bolts of lightning struck the Blastoise from the sky. The Blastoise fainted instantly, surprise showing on their faces before they collapsed to the ground. A few seconds later more lightning struck the limp forms of the Blastoise, killing them instantly. Celebi fumed at this act.

“Easy enough,” Mewtwo said calmly. He hadn't used as much energy as Celebi had hoped in killing the Blastoise. Celebi was just beginning to realize how powerful Mewtwo really was.

Nice little trick, Celebi sneered. It appears I have underestimated you. I shall privilege you with a battle, as I have promised. Don't expect me to be as easy to defeat as my Blastoise were, though.

“I wouldn't expect you to be as weak as they were,” Mewtwo replied with a smile. “I expect you to be knocked out in not less than three attacks.” A mad smile overtook Mewtwo's somewhat calm smile, attempting to intimidate Celebi before they were to battle. Celebi was slightly unhinged by this, but was otherwise determined to win.

Before we battle, I must know your name, Celebi said. I would like to know the name of the enemy I will so easily destroy. I will enjoy boasting of my battle with you.

“My name,” Mewtwo said angrily. “Is Mewtwo!” At that exclamation, Mewtwo released a ball of dark energy – a shadow ball – and directed at Celebi's levitating form. Celebi's eyes widened with surprise, and it managed to avoid the majority of the attack. It still suffered a glancing blow, however, and was knocked into the ground by the force of the attack. It stood weakly and launched its own attack towards Mewtwo. The attack Celebi chose to use was psychic. Mewtwo mindlessly created another barrier counter, expecting the attack to be stopped short. The attack managed to penetrate the defensive attack, however, and hit Mewtwo head on. Despite the fact that Mewtwo was not affected by psychic type attacks strongly, he still staggered under the damage the attack had done to him. The two Pokemon stood facing each other, already worn out by each others attacks and shaking from exhaustion.

You're stronger than I expected, Celebi said, struggling to stay airborne. It seems I have underestimated you again.

“I see that I have underestimated you as well, Celebi,” Mewtwo replied. His hand tightened as he said this, preparing for the next attacks they would unleash. Worry filled him as he thought of the possibility of him fainting from an especially strong attack Celebi could unleash. Unknown to Mewtwo, Celebi was experiencing the same worry.

At the same exact time, Mewtwo and Celebi unleashed their attacks. Mewtwo chose a flamethrower attack, as he knew that Celebi was a grass type, and Celebi unleashed a solarbeam on Mewtwo. The two attacks collided, creating a shock wave so powerful it threw both Pokemon miles away from the battlefield. Mewtwo remained conscious throughout part of the ordeal, and felt the energy created by their attacks pulsating through the air. He passed out shortly before landing on the ground far away, on an island off the west coast of the region. Celebi landed in the northern part of the region, where ice and snow were prominent. It took a few weeks, but Celebi was finally able to make its way back to the main part of the region. From that day on, Celebi never underestimated an opponent.

************************

So you fought Celebi? Moltres asked, amazed. That must have been some battle!

“It was,” Mewtwo replied, still dreaming of it. “I wish all of my battles were that epic, but the second Pokemon that almost defeated me took much less time to battle. In fact, We both used only one attack.”

How did that happen? Moltres inquired.

“It was just after I regained consciousness on the island I landed on,” Mewtwo began. “There was a powerful Pokemon there as well. It was actually my next target: Deoxys.”

**********************

Mewtwo awoke in a daze, still shaken by the force with which he had been thrown from the battlefield. His left eye was blurred and he had cuts covering most of his body. He staggered to his feet, crying out in pain when his right calf seized up in a cramp. He stumbled to a tree to hold himself up and examined himself.

His right leg appeared to be broken. What had at first seemed to be a cramp turned out to be a bone split in half. His feet were gouged and his dark blue blood poured from the wounds. His legs had suffered numerous bruises and cuts that trickled blood. His arms suffered less damage, but were completely covered in bruises. One of his fingers was missing, probably torn off in the landing. His chest had lacerations covering it, and the left side of his face was swollen. Sighing, he began using recover to rid himself of any cuts and lacerations he had experienced. He couldn't grow back an entire finger with this, so he set about finding his separated appendage. After forty-five minutes, he finally found the severed finger and used recover to connect the tissue. His body was finally healed, but the effort involved exhausted him beyond belief. A particularly large tree in front of him seemed comfortable enough to him, so he decided to rest in it before trying to figure out where he was.

Mewtwo awoke the next day, revitalized from his twelve hour nap and the amount of energy he felt in his limbs. He climbed down the tree in vigor, intending to determine his location. A squadron of Dugtrio at the base of the tree stopped him and put an end to his excitement. He glanced coolly at the Dugtrio, trying to determine how strong they were and if he could take them on. He felt that they were sufficiently weaker than he was, but he decided to wait until they made clear their intentions.

What are you? The lead Dugtrio asked in surprise. He had obviously never seen anything like Mewtwo.

“I am called Mewtwo,” Mewtwo said. “What is it you want with me?”

We wish you to meet our master, the Dugtrio said. He said he sensed a powerful presence on this island and that he wanted to confront whatever emanated this power. That gives you two choices: come with us to our leader, or die. Mewtwo laughed inside his head.

“I would like to know who your leader is before I meet with him,” Mewtwo said. They can't expect to be more powerful than me, Mewtwo thought. However, this could turn to my benefit.

Our leader is Deoxys, the lead Dugtrio said. Now, do you wish to see him or die?

“I think its obvious that I would rather see Deoxys,” Mewtwo said. “I was actually trying to find him.” He hid a chuckle and proceeded to follow the Dugtrio.

The walk to the base was a short one, and Mewtwo had no trouble getting inside to find Deoxys. It was obvious that the Dugtrio were of high rank, since many Pokemon inside of the base bowed deeply to them. At last they arrived in some sort of throne room where a large, odd-shaped Pokemon sat. Mewtwo couldn't even think of any way to describe it. It was just... there. Nothing could be compared to it, and in turn it could not be compared to anything.

“I HEAR THAT YOU HAVE ACCEPTED MY INVITATION,” Deoxys said. It didn't really speak, not in any way that Mewtwo knew. It seemed to project its thoughts into Mewtwo's head while at the same time verbally speaking to Mewtwo. This confused Mewtwo greatly.

“I came here to propose something to you,” Mewtwo said. “This war has gone on too long, and it would be in the best interests of everyone to end it now.”

“HOW SO?” Deoxys asked. “THIS WAR IS NOT FAR FROM AN END. SOON, THE WRETCHED FOLLOWERS OF CELEBI WILL BE DEFEATED AND THE LAND WILL BELONG TO US!”

“How do you expect this to happen!” Mewtwo said, outraged. “Even if you do win, what do you believe you have won? The land is ruined; nothing can live there. Millions of Pokemon bodies lie on the barren earth, forgotten by years of negligence and ignorance. Almost all of the wild Pokemon have found a way to migrate to less hostile regions, even the legendaries have left here. What do you really win by fighting this war?”

“THE LAND DOES NOT MATTER, NOR THE ABUNDANCE OF WILD POKEMON,” Deoxys said. “THE LAND WILL BE REPAIRED WITH TIME, AND WILD POKEMON ARE MORE OF A NUISANCE THAN A HELP ANYWAY. WHAT WE WIN IN THIS WAR IS PRIDE.”

“I will only give you two options: either end the war, or battle me and die,” Mewtwo stated. A great anger filled him, threatening to take control and kill Deoxys right then and there.

“I WILL NEVER END THE WAR!” Deoxys exclaimed. “YOU WILL BE UNABLE TO DEFEAT ME IN BATTLE, EITHER. YOU ARE FAR TOO WEAK TO DO SO.”

“So I take it that you have accepted my challenge,” Mewtwo said. “Prepare to die.” Mewtwo unleashed a shadow ball attack on the Deoxys, and unlike the one he used on Celebi, it connected dead-on in his face. Deoxys fell to the ground in a heap, gasping for air and making feeble attempts to stand up.

“NICE... TRY... BUT YOU...WILL NOT WIN,” Deoxys said before unleashing a hyper beam on Mewtwo. Mewtwo was hit dead-on as well, and flew through the wall onto the ground below. He could hear Deoxys henchmen running towards his position, and manged to teleport before he blacked out. Deoxys, after using hyper beam, blacked out as well.

******************

What happened next? Moltres asked, riveted. It was clear that Moltres was awed by the stories Mewtwo told him.

“That is what I am about to tell you,” Mewtwo said. “The next Pokemon was something special, not involved in the war or in any way dangerous to me, but I was enraged by my failures in defeating Celebi or Deoxys, so I attacked it.”

Why would you do such a thing? Moltres asked. I thought you were one of the good guys.

“Sometimes even the good guys lose control of themselves and do bad things,” Mewtwo said sadly. “I never was good at controlling my anger, and the next battle is proof of that...”

********************

Mewtwo opened his eyes slowly, feeling the effects of the hyper beam take hold of his energy. He studied his surroundings silently, confused as to where he was or how he got there. He was lying on what seemed to be a cloud, which the ground surrounding him seemed to be made of. Of course, he had flown through clouds before when he faced a long trip and wanted to divert some of his boredom elsewhere. He had never found clouds that he could sit on, or walk on in any case. Cautiously, he touched the cloud with one of his fingers. His hand did not pass through it as it should have.

I must be dreaming, Mewtwo thought. There was no other explanation for it. Mewtwo remained convinced of this until another voice, high and childish, reverberated through his head.

This is not a dream, the voice said. You are simply in another dimension, which you managed to come to when you tried to teleport yourself. You blacked out halfway through the teleport, so with no clear destination you ended up here.

Who are you? Mewtwo asked the voice. And how do you know what happened to me?

I am Jirachi, the voice answered calmly. I know what happened to you because the same thing happened to me as well. I have been trapped here for decades, unable to escape because of the unusual solidarity of the clouds. I have a theory on how to get out, though.

How? Mewtwo demanded. Tell me this instant!

I think you should try to discover it yourself, Jirachi responded. You will only discover the depths of your power once you understand the rules behind it.

I need to escape now! There's a war I must stop! Mewtwo cried angrily. You don't understand!

I understand, Jirachi said apologetically. The problem is your anger. You can't control it as well as you need to. That is why you lost the battle to Celebi and Deoxys. All three of you are angry at the world; Celebi is angry because of the restrictions placed on its power by Deoxys, Deoxys is angry because I defeated him in battle decades ago, and you are angry because Pokemon are dying all over the world for a war they do not want. Once you clear your heart of your anger, you will discover both a way to get out and a way to end the war.

Wait, Mewtwo interjected. Are you telling me that you started this war? The notion angered Mewtwo even more, enough to send him over the edge and mercilessly destroy everything in his path.

Yes, Jirachi said sadly. It was no intention of mine to begin this war, but I do admit that I played a small part in the mobilization of the armies.

Then Celebi and Deoxys aren't my enemies, you are! Mewtwo exclaimed angrily. Where are you! I'm going to teach you a lesson.

I'm right behind you, Jirachi said. Mewtwo spun around to face his foe. Jirachi was very short, a fraction of Mewtwo's height, and had a large star on the top of its head. Something resembling confetti emerged from its body, and its small, dark eyes radiated both mourning and happiness. Mewtwo was startled by the size of his new adversary, but this did not calm his anger. Rather, it fueled it.

Who is he to think that he can mess with someone two, three, four times his size! Mewtwo thought. He should know better than to mess with me.

Do not underestimate me, Jirachi thought. Many Pokemon have made that mistake and have fallen in battle. Deoxys was one, and although he is a strong Pokemon, he stood no chance against me. How do you expect to defeat me?

Guess we'll just have to see who wins, Mewtwo said. With that said he unleashed an ice beam attack towards the Jirachi. Jirachi dodged it with surprising speed and used a body slam attack on Mewtwo. The force Jirachi hit Mewtwo with was astonishing, pushing Mewtwo back several feet. Mewtwo regained his composure and retaliated with a psychic attack. The attack hit, but to Mewtwo's disappointment, did very little to faze Jirachi. Jirachi returned the favor with a shadow ball attack. Mewtwo stumbled under the force of the attack and retaliated with his own shadow ball attack. Jirachi seemed to be affected by this more than the psychic attack, leading Mewtwo to determine that Jirachi was a psychic type. Jirachi realized its peril and used some attack that seemed to do nothing at all. Must be like Magikarp's splash, Mewtwo thought, although the Jirachi seemed excited about the attack it had just used.

Mewtwo used a flamethrower attack on Jirachi, and was surprised to see that it did a lot of damage to Jirachi. Jirachi used recover to combat the attack and seemed nearly unscathed when the restorative attack did its job. Mewtwo used a thunderbolt attack, which managed to do significant damage to Jirachi. Some static electricity developed around Jirachi once the bolts of lightning cleared. He's paralyzed! Mewtwo realized with excitement. Maybe I can win now!

Emboldened, Mewtwo unleashed a series of attacks: ice beam, psychic, shadow ball, flamethrower, and pound. Each attack hit its mark, and Jirachi fell to the ground in a faint. Mewtwo was filled with excitement until something hit him from behind and slammed him into the ground. Mewtwo's energy was instantly depleted, and he realized that Jirachi had not used a useless attack earlier. Mewtwo tried to stand up, but fell after making it only as far as lifting his stomach off of the ground. He weakly turned his head to look at Jirachi, who lay only a few feet away. Jirachi was looking at him as well with weak eyes. An understanding passed between them; neither had won, neither had lost. Jirachi merely nodded towards Mewtwo before closing its eyes and unleashing a sphere of energy that engulfed both him and Mewtwo. The next thing Mewtwo knew, he was lying on the ground of some cave, with the cries of extremely powerful Pokemon surrounding him as the newly crowned Elite Four Champion battled through them to discover what lay at the end of the cave.

********************

Moltres lay silent, taking in everything it had just heard. It's eyes were clouded with its thoughts, perhaps wondering why Mewtwo had chosen to skip the encounter he had with the one Pokemon who had defeated him in battle. Moltres finally responded by saying Wow.

“Yes, quite amazing, isn't it?” Mewtwo asked. Moltres was speechless, but managed to nod its head in affirmation. Its eyes showed a kind of reverence in them for Mewtwo, as if seeing him in a whole new light. Mewtwo felt a jolt of pride in this.

I don't understand, Moltres said. How did you get back from that other dimension?

“Jirachi used some sort of teleport attack that it had been forced to create in order to get out,” Mewtwo replied. “I never really learned how to use it or even what it was since I never saw Jirachi again. All I know is that it saved me.”

Do you plan on ever battling any of those Pokemon again? Moltres asked.

“Yes, I must,” Mewtwo said. “I cannot bear the thought of losing to any single Pokemon; ending in a draw against one is bad enough!”

How do you expect to win? Moltres asked cautiously.

“I have a few plans for that,” Mewtwo replied. “I still need to perfect them, however, and I need to think of every possible thing that could go wrong for them. In the meantime, I just need to train and proceed with my current plan.”

Which plan is that? Moltres asked.

“I cannot reveal that to you just yet, my loyal servant,” Mewtwo said. “But I promise that all will be revealed in good time. As for now, we must track down Entei. Until he is caught, he is our number one priority. Understand?”

Yes, master, Moltres answered. I understand.
__________________
I am returning once again (hopefully for good). I will be updating Affliction regularly and reviewing other people's fics every so often. If you would like to request a review, then please send me a PM.

My FFC entry for April 2008: My Endless Loneliness
My Discontinued, Chaptered FanFiction: The Fall of Light
My current chaptered FanFiction: Affliction
My Parody of Pure Awesomeness (requires some context to fully appreciate): Sir. Aaron - A Parody

Last edited by Post Office Buddy; April 26th, 2008 at 12:44 PM.
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  #18    
Old April 7th, 2008, 11:53 PM
bobandbill's Avatar
bobandbill
Where's that sheep...
 
Join Date: Mar 2008
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Again - your inprovement is fantastic. A very strong chapter here, and very interesting to read. Great description - you are getting better and better at it. It's also nice to see the true intentions of Mewtwo, and more on his character - you really pulled me onto his side despite Entei's POV eariler on saying the complete opposite. ATM, I'm quite liking Mewtwo's character.

Quote:
“Just remember to call me 'master' and obey every command I give you,” Mewtwo said.

Heh. A very important instruction, that.
Quote:
The Blastoise began spraying water from their cannons on their backs in an effort to knock out Mewtwo. Mewtwo merely deflected the attacks with a simple barrier attack. The Blastoise ceased their attacks, surprised by the ease with which Mewtwo had stopped their attack. Mewtwo chuckled and lifted his hand as if to pass judgement on the Blastoise. With no warning, bolts of lightning struck the Blastoise from the sky. The Blastoise fainted instantly, surprise showing on their faces before they collapsed to the ground. A few seconds later more lightning struck the limp forms of the Blastoise, killing them instantly. Celebi fumed at this act.

Here, the sentence length is extremely similar, making this part seem like a detailed list of events rather than a proper description of the events. Shortening, or rather lenghtening or joing a sentence or two would avert this here.
Quote:
Don't expect me to be as easy to defeat as my Blastoise' were, though.

Unnesserary ' there.
Quote:
A mad smile overtook Mewtwo's somewhat calm smile, attempting to intimidate Celebi before they were to battle.

Smile twice - repeatitive.
Quote:
The attack Celebi chose to use was Psychic.

Two things - one, always capitlise Pokemon attacks, such as Psychic. Secondly, the way this infomation was presented is like a statement, rather than a bit of description - could have been attached to a serntence describing the attack, or have it named and identified as Psychic in a different way to us - e.g. 'Mewtwo recongised this (insert description) attack to be a powerful Psychi attack' or something, but much better than that example I used as it is nearly as bad anyway.... stuck on an example for this...
Quote:
In fact, we both used only one attack.”

Quote:
A squadron of Dugtrio at the base of the tree stopped him and put an end to his excitement.

Wouldn't have minded more description for the Dugtrio...
Quote:
“I cannot bear the thought of losing to any single Pokemon; ending in a draw against one is bad enough!”

Quote:
In the meantime, I just need to train and proceed with my current plan.”

Meantime is one word.

Very good chapter though - really enjoyable now. Keep this up!
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Sheep in the Big City: General Specific
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  #19    
Old April 9th, 2008, 09:20 PM
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Post Office Buddy
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Join Date: Mar 2008
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Wow, second longest chapter :o. But anyway, this thing took me quite a few hours to write. I tried a few new things here, so tell me what you think of them.

Also, I revised a lot of my earlier chapters if anyone is interested. I added a total of two pages of detail and dialog to chapter three while fixing some other errors I noticed in rereading it, and the Prologue is almost a page longer than before. But if you don't want to reread it, then this next chapter should do a good job of satisfying your fanfic hunger. Unless you think it sucked, then it will probably just make you hungrier lol.

Oh, I have revised a lot of things in the part of the chapter where Giovanni makes an appearance, and a little bit after that.

Chapter Seven: Peril in Pallet

Jeff and Katy stayed silent throughout their walk to Jeff's house. Jeff did so from nerves, but he suspected that Katy had no such inhibitions. She was obviously excited about having Totodile, a Pokemon she had loved since childhood, and the bonus Mew must have elated her. Strange things are happening these days, Jeff thought as he admired Katy from the corner of his eye. Legendary birds, ancient texts, Mew, and to top it off some prophecy that may require me to die. I don't see how this is fair; Chuck Norris never had to go through any of this. A small smile crept onto his face as he thought this. Katy must have noticed, because she smiled as well.

“What's so funny?” she asked playfully. “Not thinking of ditching me, are you?”

“Heh, I would never dream of that,” Jeff flirted. “But seriously, I was thinking about what Chuck Norris would do in my shoes.”

This brought out a surprised laugh from Katy, who bent over to laugh more comfortably. When she could finally stand, she looked at Jeff and said, “I bet he wouldn't even need a Pokemon; he would just roundhouse kick those Legendaries into submission.” This only elicited more laughter from the two, and soon they were rolling on the ground in ecstasy. The laughter only stopped when the rolled into each other and their faces ended up only inches apart.

The two stared at each other for a minute before pushing apart and standing up. Jeff muttered apologies to Katy, but she continued blushing. Maybe she likes me the same way I like her, Jeff thought excitedly. I wish I could only know for sure!

“So, your mom has been waiting for us, right?” Katy asked, breaking the silence between them.

“Yeah, she was supposed to pack some stuff for me while I was getting my Pokemon,” Jeff replied, still embarrassed. “I really hope she packed enough for you as well.”

“Oh, don't worry about that,” Katy said. “I packed plenty of things and my mom is packing still more as we speak. I told her to drop everything off at the ferry if I didn't show up by eleven, and it's quarter past, so she should be putting the finishing touches in.”

“Wow, you really planned for this, didn't you?” Jeff asked, amazed. It had never dawned on him the level of commitment she felt.

“Well, I figured that guys can't be counted on to plan for anything, so I took the initiative to pack plenty of stuff for both of us,” Katy answered casually. Her cheeks were still red hot.

“What would I do without you?” Jeff asked lovingly. It was one of many things he had always wanted to say to her, but had never had the nerve.

“You would be uncomfortable, I suspect,” Katy answered, apparently not deciphering the true meaning behind what Jeff had said. Jeff stared at the ground the rest of the way to his house, disappointed that she hadn't picked up his hint.

Jeff and Katy arrived at his house, where his mother and her Pokemon were holding Jeff's stuff in anticipation of his departure. His mom sighed in exasperation when he came into view.

“You're going to be late if you don't hurry,” his mom snapped. She seemed rather irritated for someone who might never see their son again.

“I'm sorry I'm so late,” Jeff apologized. “I had to get my Pokemon and Katy had to choose hers. We tried to go as fast as we could.”

“Oh, so Katy's going with you?” his mom asked. Her entire attitude changed immediately. “That's a pleasant surprise!”

“Yeah, she volunteered to come along with me in case I needed help,” Jeff replied, nervously shifting his weight from one foot to the other.

“Well, I bet she will do a good job of helping you in your quest,” his mom said. “She does understand the dangers, right?”

“Yes, I do,” Katy answered. “I'm willing to risk anything to help Jeff do what he has to. I would even die to ensure the safety of the world.”

“Let's just hope that we don't have to worry about that,” Jeff's mom said. “I'm very sure that nothing of that sort will happen.” Despite how convincingly she said this, however, her eyes betrayed that she thought anyone that could die would die. Jeff pretended he didn't notice.

“I really hope it doesn't come to that either,” Katy said, a warm smile on her beautiful face. Oh, how Jeff's heart ached to see that smile! It always quickened his pulse, never failed to stimulate his sweat glands, and constantly reminded him that she was not his.

“If something were to threaten you, I would sacrifice my own life to save yours,” Jeff said quietly. Katy blushed in appreciation and... something else. An unfamiliar look lay upon her face, confusing Jeff.

Jeff's mom had left during Jeff's fantasies about Katy, and motioned him over to her. Jeff reluctantly obliged, walking slowly to where his mom was standing.

“Promise me something, Jeff,” she whispered in his ear, so quiet that only he could hear her. “I need you to promise me something.”

“What is it, mom? I'll promise you anything,” Jeff said.

“If Katy seems threatened, I want you to find some way, any way, to get her somewhere safe and not to seek her out until your objective is complete,” Jeff's mom said sternly. “There is no need to risk your life and Katy's life if something terrible happens.”

“I promise,” Jeff said. He felt no reluctance to accept; he didn't want Katy's life to be in danger in any way.

“Good,” Jeff's mom said, her warm smile returning to her face. “Katy's mom has been through enough with her husband dying shortly before Katy's birth and Katy's older brother dying a year ago. I think the only reason she is still alive is because of Katy.”

“I... I promise I will never let anything happen to her,” Jeff said, more forcefully than before. Hearing about the deaths in Katy's family pained Jeff's heart.

Katy's older brother, Alex, had been especially nice to Jeff, hanging out with him and Katy whenever they wanted to do something. He had returned home for a while after winning the Pokemon league championships that year, and had been all too happy to show Jeff and Katy his super-strong Pokemon. He had returned to the mainland after a month of visiting his hometown and had died two weeks afterwards. The causes of death were unknown, and his Pokemon had run away in fear.

Not very many people on the island knew who Katy's dad was. He had died shortly before her mom had given birth to her, and at the time they were still new to the island. Unlike Alex, Katy's dad had slipped from a cliff during an exercise program with his Pokemon and had fallen to his death on the rocks below. Katy's mom rarely spoke of it, and people in town were respectful enough to avoid the subject.

Despite so much tragedy, Katy's mom had remained strong. The death of Alex had rendered her senseless for a month or two, in which time Katy had stayed with Jeff's family, but the grief wore off and Katy's mom returned home. Sometimes Jeff saw her just sitting near a window, staring out into the blue ocean, eyes blank and face contorted into a mournful expression. Jeff could not help but feel sorry for her.

Jeff returned to Katy's side nervously, heart pounding in his chest. The same old problem presented itself to him again: she might like him, she might not like him. Either way, he couldn't help the way he felt about her. He just hoped that she liked him, too.

Jeff's mom was saying something. He hadn't really been paying attention, but now tried to glean as much information as he could from what she was saying.

“...and make sure that you wear clean clothes everyday. You never know what kinds of things might be out there, getting on your clothes and making you sick,” his mother said. “Don't let your food spoil either,” she added.

“Okay, mom, you don't have to worry,” Jeff said, rolling his eyes in the typical teenage manner.

“But I do worry,” his mom said softly.

“I... I know. But me and Katy really have to get going; we've already been here too long,” Jeff said.

“Okay. Just... just write me every once in a while, okay?” his mom said. “I... I just want to know how you're doing.” And whether or not I'm alive, Jeff thought bitterly.

“I'll write to you,” Jeff said, tears welling in his eyes. “I love you.”

“I love you too,” his mom cried. They hugged each other, gripping each other in a tight embrace. The hug lasted for a few minutes before Katy reminded him that they had to go.

“That's right!” Jeff exclaimed. “We have to get going! I'll see all of you when I come back!”

“Okay, just hurry and don't miss your ferry!” his mom yelled.

Jeff and Katy ran as fast as they could down to the docks while carrying Jeff's luggage. They made it to the docks with only three minutes left to board. They came to a stop and panted, handing Jeff's luggage to the sailors while gathering their breath.

“It's about time you showed up,” a voice behind them said. They spun around to see Katy's mom, holding everything Katy could ever need for a journey. “I packed some peanut butter and jelly sandwiches for lunch.”

“Thanks, mom,” Katy said. “We really don't have a lot of time.” She glanced at the restless sailors who were impatiently awaiting their boarding.

“I understand,” her mom replied. “Getting a little too old and uncool for you young ones, aren't I?” she asked with a wink.

“Oh no, we're just a little rushed on time,” Katy replied. She grabbed her things from her mom and tossed them to the waiting sailors. “I would hug you, but I think the sailors would kill me,” she joked.

“Yeah, I wouldn't doubt that,” her mom said with a flinch. The word kill must cause physical pain to her, Jeff thought.

“I love you, mom!” Katy said, half sobbing as she climbed the boarding ramp. Tears streamed down her beautiful cheeks, and Jeff was tempted to wipe them off and hold her.

“I love you too,” her mom said, mirroring her daughter. They waved to her one more time before finally departing, leaving their hometown and their families behind.

******************************

The boat arrived in Pallet Town two hours later. Jeff and Katy climbed off, a little woozy from the ride on the rough seas. It took a good ten minutes for them to get used to the land again. During this time, many sailors found great amusement in calling them “land-lubbers” and other phrases of the sort. None of these sailor phrases really humored Jeff, nor remotely made sense to him at all.

Once they finally had their bearings, Katy pulled out a map and studied it. Jeff sidled up behind her and looked at it over her shoulder. None of the map made much sense to him, but he nonetheless tried to act interested in it while admiring Katy's perfect complexion and her enticing smell.

“Well,” Katy said, snapping Jeff back from his trance. “The professor's lab is this way.” She pointed a little north-east. “Oh, look! This is also the home of the world-famous Red!”

“Oh wow, two stars in one town, how exciting,” Jeff said sarcastically.

“I know, I know,” Katy sighed. “It's just that boy-obsession thing again.”

“That's fine, Red hasn't been heard from in years,” a voice behind them said. Jeff turned around to see a graying man wearing an over-sized white lab coat. He had a calm face and a warm, trusting smile. Jeff could not help but feel drawn in by his carefree demeanor.

“I take it you are Professor Oak?” Jeff asked. The professor nodded, causing Jeff's stomach to do a one-hundred eighty degree flip. He heard Katy take a gulp beside him.

“Can I help you with anything?” Professor Oak asked sincerely. He doesn't know who we are, Jeff realized.

“Actually, we were just heading to your lab,” Jeff said. “We were sent to you by Professor Drake.”

“Ah, you must be Jeff and Katy,” Professor Oak said, looking at them in a new light. “I've been expecting you. Follow me to my lab.”

They walked a short distance to a large building with a sign outside saying 'Professor Oak's Pokemon Laboratory.' They walked into the lab and ran into one of Professor Oak's lab assistants. The assistant smiled and nodded to them before continuing his work.

“Welcome to my lab!” Professor Oak said. “This is my lab assistant, Jenkins.” Jenkins nodded warmly and went back to his work. “I usually have a stock of three starter Pokemon here, along with others for research, but I am all out except for a Pikachu that is particularly irritable. If I had more than that then I would give you one for your journey, but I already gave all except that Pikachu away.”

“Oh, that's fine,” Jeff said. “I already have a Charmander.”

“Is that so?” Professor Oak asked, delighted. “That makes this much easier then.”

At that moment a boy burst into the lab at full speed, still in his pajamas. The professor stared at him curiously as he skidded to a halt, breathing heavily.

“Hello, Ash, what are you doing here?” Professor Oak asked.

“I... woke up... late. I was... wondering... if I... could get my... first Pokemon,” Ash panted.

“Well, all I have left is this Pikachu,” the professor said. “I suppose you could take it, but I have to warn you that it's a little picky of who handles it.”

“That's fine!” Ash cried. “I'll take anything!”

Oak hesitated. “Okay,” he finally answered. “You can take it.”

“Yes! My very first Pokemon!” Ash exclaimed, jumping around in joy. “Thank you SO much, professor,” Ash said.

“I doubt he'll be thanking me very much soon,” the professor whispered to Jeff. “Anyway, I have some important guests, so I'm going to need you to leave. When you get to Viridian City, give me a call and I'll talk to you then,” he said to Ash.

“Okay, professor. I'll talk to you later!” Ash said as he left the lab.

“Anyway, what were we talking about? Ah yes, you have a Charmander,” the Professor said. “May I see it?”

“Sure,” Jeff replied. He pulled out the Pokeball and pressed the silver button in the center. “Inferno, go!” he cried. The black Charmander exited its Pokeball in a flash of light, and scanned its surroundings.

“Char! Charmander!” the Charmander cried. It looked content with the lab and began sniffing things.

“Strange, I've never even heard of a black Charmander,” the Professor said. “The only colorations I have ever seen are the standard red and the rare yellow.”

“I don't know how this is black; all I know is that it looks even better black than when it's red,” Jeff replied. “And considering Charmander is my favorite Pokemon, that is quite a feat.”

“Hmm, yes. Anyway, Katy, let's see what you have,” the Professor said. Katy pulled out a Pokeball and threw it, releasing Totodile in a flash of light.

“Toto!” the Totodile cried. It, too, looked content with the lab.

“Very nice pick, usually a Johto region exclusive. I wonder how Professor Drake got one,” Oak said.

“I have another one, too,” Katy said. She pulled out Mew's Pokeball, the weird one with all of the heiroglyphic shapes, and released the Mew.

Mew appeared in a burst of light, surprising the Professor almost to the point of a heart attack. The professor had to sit down very hard to avoid collapsing on something unforgiving.

“How... how do you have a Mew?” the professor asked weakly.

“It chose me,” Katy said. “I touched the Pokeball and it just came out of it. I can hear its thoughts and I can talk to it on a subconscious level I think.”

“I... I don't know what to say,” Professor Oak said.

“I do,” a menacing voice said at the door. The three spun around to see Jenkins take his white lab coat off. He pulled a mask off as well, a face with sharp features topped by jet black hair.

“Giovanni! What... what are you doing here?” Professor Oak exclaimed, frightened. "WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO JENKINS!?!”

“Jenkins? Oh, he's taking a little nap with the Tentacool at the moment,” Giovanni replied coldly. "As for why I am here, I came to discover the depths of your knowledge about the legendary bird Pokemon. As you may have noticed, Moltres has turned up missing, and Articuno and Zapdos roam free throughout the land. I, in the best interests of the world and Pokemon, am trying to save the world by capturing these legendary birds.”

“Save the world my ass!” Jeff burst out. “You just want them to further your own ambitions!”

“Well, why save the world if you won't get anything in return?” Giovanni taunted. "I mean, I could always use a little bit of extra pocket change. They can't be that strong."

"Are you crazy?" Katy asked incredulously.

“Saving the world isn't just about the money,” Jeff answered, anger straining his voice. "You should do it for the people and Pokemon! You, after all, are affected by this as well."

"Of course," Giovanni replied, smirking. "I put my own safety ahead of everyone else's, and put money in a close second. Personal power is pretty high in my priorities as well."

"Well, that's because you're selfish," Katy replied with angst.

"So what if I am selfish," Giovanni replied lazily. "I live more comfortably this way."

"People like you don't deserve to be trainers," Jeff said angrily. "You only want to benefit yourself. I bet if the legendary birds decided to spare you and damn the rest of the world, then you would merely shrug it off and continue your own business."

"Would you not do the same?" Giovanni asked, trapping Jeff.

"I, uh... Well," Jeff stammered.

"Of course not," Katy answered defiantly, glaring at Jeff.

“That's enough,” Professor Oak said, frowning. “You have both passed.”

“Passed what?” Jeff asked, turning to face Professor Oak.

“You have proven to us that you are willing to sacrifice everything to save millions, that although you seek monetary rewards, you put the lives of others ahead of your own ambitions,” Professor Oak murmured. “This is the sign of a true hero. This is how The Chosen One should behave.”

“But what about Giovanni?” Jeff asked. "Why would you use some ******* like him to test me?"

“Look behind you,” the professor replied. Jeff turned to see Jenkins pull off a Giovanni mask.

"How many masks do you wear?" Katy asked. "It must get pretty hot in there."

"That it does," Jenkins replied with a smile.

“That was the point. Professor Drake wasn't completely sure about your intentions, so we devised a test to make sure,” Professor Oak explained. “Your passing of the test assures us that you possess a kind heart.”

“So was that the only reason Professor Drake wanted me to stop here?” Jeff asked.

“Well, not completely,” Professor Oak said. “We have a little gift for you. A Pokenav.” Professor Oak handed Jeff a small, red device that clipped onto his wrist or his belt buckle, depending on his preference. Jeff chose the wrist.

“Thank you,” Jeff said. “It means a lot to me.”

“Yes, thank you very much,” Katy said while putting hers on. Her eyes gleamed with the emergence of a small tear. “You and Professor Drake have been far kinder than need be to me.” She bowed her head in reverence and smiled thankfully at the professor.

“Yes, but I would be this kind whether or not the situation were so dire,” the Professor said. “I like to do what I can to help any trainer in need. It's sort of an unwritten rule among Pokemon Professors. Anyway, it's getting late and Viridian is a little hike away. I suggest you leave as soon as possible”

“I hate to say it, but Professor Oak is right,” Jeff said to Katy. "We need to start training our Pokemon as soon as possible before we attempt the gym challenge."

"Ah, so you're going to take the Pokemon league challenge?" Professor Oak asked, smiling. "I remember those days..."

"Yeah, Professor Drake suggested that we do this as a means of training our Pokemon," Jeff answered.

"Well, I feel I should provide you with some Pokeballs then," the professor said, pulling two small pouches containing five red and white spheres each from a drawer in his desk and handing them to Jeff and Katy. "There are many Pokemon between here and Viridian. Just weaken any Pokemon you desire to catch before throwing one of these at it and capturing them. I wish you the best of luck on your journey. Please call me when you get to Viridian."


“So, I guess this is good-bye?” Katy asked.

“For now,” Professor Oak replied. “For-”

BOOM!

A large explosion tore at the western wall of the lab, throwing Jeff, Katy, Professor Oak, and Jenkins across the room. Jeff's consciousness wavered on and off, and he dimly remembered seeing two slanted red eyes glowing in the sudden gloom of the lab. He couldn't tell if they were a part of his dream, reality, or both.

Jeff weakly looked beside him to see how Professor Oak, Katy, and Jenkins were doing. Professor Oak was coughing as a result of the smoke created from the destroyed wall, Jenkins was struggling to his feet, his left leg marred by a long gash extending from his knee to his ankle, and Katy lay on the ground, unconscious.

Jeff's vision blurred and spun, fading in and out as he struggled to stay conscious. He tried as best as he could to resist passing out, but the pain was too great and he finally blacked out, drifting off to the dream world where pain and fear were irrelevant.
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  #20    
Old April 11th, 2008, 01:10 AM
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It seems that the style of the story - or at least this chapter - is more of a light-hearted, comedic one. I like. Good change of atmosphere with this chapter, and although resonably quiet, it was still interesting. Good description and all, and an interesting cliffhanger.

For the romance part - well, I'm not going to pretend I'm an expert or anything. However, though interesting, I feel it's moved a bit too fast. I Would like to see this process being more gradual as they progress on their journey - it seem that it has already developed in the second chapter (although not completely, and not so much for Katy as of yet...). Already there has been some 'flirting'... if they have been more than people who know each other before, or friends or something, than mention that somewhere, besides saying that she lived with them for a month before - that doesn't really give much away anyway.

The characters of Jeff and Katy... still a tad flat, for me. This line from Katy made me frown a little:
Quote:
“Yes, I do,” Katy answered. “I'm willing to risk anything to help Jeff do what he has to. I would even die to ensure the safety of the world.”
In other words - 'Hey random guy! You are destined to save the world? Ok, no worries, I go with you! I've sacrifice myself if the time comes gladly!"
... a tad unrealistic - wouldn't Katy question this, or at leas seem a bit less confident? I'm not sure many would simply say that line.
Another thing is the lack of reaction she has to anything. Giovanni appeared - she seemed to have disappeared from that scene. Jeff proved himself - nope, only a comment about not being stuck in the woods. As she seems to be an important character, use her more than the occassional line in certain scenes in which she is in.
Quote:
“Heh, I would never dream of that,” Jeff flirted. “But seriously, I was thinking about what Chuck Norris would do in my shoes.”
HAH! I liked that! When I read that, I though that the answer would be that he'd just go and roundhouse kick Mewtwo - and it turned out that Katy agrees.
Quote:
“So, your mom has been waiting for us, right?”

Your, not you're.
Quote:
I told her to drop everything off at the ferry if I didn't show up by eleven, and it's quarter after, so she should be putting the finishing touches in.”

Unless 'quarter after' is a widely used term in America or whereever, I wouldn't really recommend it, maybe a quarter past or something. Minor however.

Quote:
“You would be uncomfortable, I suspect,” Katy answered, apparently not deciphering the true meaning behind what Jeff had said. Jeff stared at the ground the rest of the way to his house, disappointed that she hadn't picked up his hint.

At least it hasn't developed that far, although still, I think it's move a bit too quickly for Jeff to be already saying such things... funny though.
Quote:
Jeff's mom was saying something. He hadn't really been paying attention, but now tried to glean as much information as he could from what she was saying.

“...and make sure that you wear clean clothes everyday. You never know what kinds of things might be out there, getting on your clothes and making you sick,” his mother said. “Don't let your food spoil either,” she added.

Liked that a lot.
Quote:
“I'll write you,” Jeff said, tears welling in his eyes.

I'll write to you.
Quote:
“It's about time you showed up,” a voice behind them said. They spun around to see Katy's mom, holding everything Katy could ever need for a journey. “I packed some peanut butter and jelly sandwiches for lunch.”

More mums!
Quote:
“I would hug you, but I think the sailors would kill me,” she joked.

Quote:
“Professor Oak's Pokemon Laboratory.”

As it's a sign, think 'sign' would serve better over quotation marks.
Quote:
Mew appeared in a burst of light, surprising the Professor almost to the point of a heart attack.

Heh. Good old Prof Oak.
Quote:
“I do,” a menacing voice said at the door. The three spun around to see Jenkins take his white lab coat off. He pulled a mask off as well, revealing his true identity: Giovanni.

“What... what are you doing here?” Professor Oak exclaimed. “What have you done to Jenkins?”

The who 'OMG IT'S GIOVANNI' part was done a bit too quickly - maybe some dialogue to identify that it is Dialogue (who would Jeff and Katy know him anyway? Have maybe Oak say his name, or ask for it).
On the plus side - JENKINS! Classic name - and the line "What have you done to Jenkins?" wins.
Quote:
“Congratulations, Jeff,” Professor Oak said. “You have passed.”

“Passed what?” Jeff asked, facing Professor Oak.

“You have proven to us that you are willing to sacrifice everything to save millions, that you are not in this for glory, but for balance to be restored to the world,” Professor Oak murmured. “This is the sign of a true hero. This is how The Chosen One should behave.”
A tad... cliched, and makes Jeff out to be perfect - be careful with the whole Gary-stu thing here, as I do feel that you are stepping a bit dangerously here.

Still, an enjoyable chapter - and an interesting cameo from everyone's 'favourite' (cough) trainer in Ash. Keep it up!
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  #21    
Old April 11th, 2008, 12:45 PM
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I revised it according to your suggestions and I fixed all of the errors you have pointed out. I added more detail towards the end of the chapter and I am somewhat satisfied with that part. I feel I could do more with the first part, but that will have to wait for a later time.

Quote:
Unless 'quarter after' is a widely used term in America or whereever, I wouldn't really recommend it, maybe a quarter past or something. Minor however.
I figure I probably could have let that slide, since it is a commonly used term here in America, but I when I saw how it was worded I felt uncomfortable using a preposition at the end of a sentence.

Quote:
“Yes, I do,” Katy answered. “I'm willing to risk anything to help Jeff do what he has to. I would even die to ensure the safety of the world.”
The effect I was going for was more like she understands how dire the situation is and that she accepts that she may have to die to save thousands. I get what you are saying though. A revision seems likely at the moment.

Quote:
At least it hasn't developed that far, although still, I think it's move a bit too quickly for Jeff to be already saying such things... funny though.


I kind of wanted it understood that they had known each other for years, and that a lot of attraction between them had already happened in the past. Again, I see your point and I may make a revision on this as well

Quote:
A tad... cliched, and makes Jeff out to be perfect - be careful with the whole Gary-stu thing here, as I do feel that you are stepping a bit dangerously here.


Okay, I fixed this a bit so that Jeff seems to have ulterior motives for this quest. Added some other things, too, that should make it more interesting. Also fixed the whole Giovanni thing.
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I am returning once again (hopefully for good). I will be updating Affliction regularly and reviewing other people's fics every so often. If you would like to request a review, then please send me a PM.

My FFC entry for April 2008: My Endless Loneliness
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My current chaptered FanFiction: Affliction
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  #22    
Old April 12th, 2008, 05:09 AM
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In exchange for the courtesy of your review, I decided it would be meaningful to return the favour and become a reviewer for your fiction.

I must commend you for the remarkable improvement you've made with the passage of the fiction, in only a few chapters. The skills of description and drama you developed in a flash, and you're honing them with each chapter. Also the main antagonist, which was looking to become a generic evil villain, has shown remarkable development. I do wonder what brought him to this state. For the sake of progress, however, here proceeds large amounts of critique. For the sake of progress, of course; take this review as a whole to be a positive development.

Your depiction of action and suspense could do with improvement. To the second problem you can apply what you have been doing successfully for some time: new, sudden developments should be executed with some amount of drama, to avoid them seeming like random and meaningless whims. Especially around, say, the appearance of Giovanni, or some such surprise, accentuate all the emotional themes and describe them with detail. To take this specific example:

Quote:
“I do,” a menacing voice said at the door. The three spun around to see Jenkins take his white lab coat off. He pulled a mask off as well, a face with sharp features topped by jet black hair.
The professor's reaction is soon depicted with vigour, but the thoughts of Jeff and Katy are not accounted for at all. It seems, from their lack of reaction, as though they were quite prepared for such unexpected and incredirble events to happen. Also, you gave no introduction for Giovanni at all. A split-second reflection from Jeff about the notoriety of the great criminal villain, and the shock and dread which he would feel from meeting such a dangerous man in person, would have given some meat to the somewhat rushed event. Also, in describing him (as well as any other character you may introduce), it should be worthwhile to describe the emotional impression the appearance of the man gives; this half-physical aspect of the character contributes a surprising lot to his/her development. In this case, writing about his maniacal appearance and the ruthlessness of his sharp features would have placed a greater impact on the reader.

Anyway, coming back to the point. Some notes on describing action: the straightforward, essay-like writing voice makes action seem distant and uninteresting. For one, the moves should not be simply stated but described to some level, which gives the writer's style a special distinction by his/her portrayal of the mechanics of battling and, once again, adds flesh to the battle. Don't worry about slowing down a battle with description; I think you're far from that. If several of the more spectacular moves are given at least two sentences (or every move allowed at least one; I've seen you compress several moves into one sentence, which rushes the battle beyond how a battle should be rushed), you should easily remain within the realm of split-second actions. Also, including the character's thoughts more often add to the air of action, because these thoughts are far less narrative and essay-like than actual narration. You did very well with the dramatic moments in chapters three and four, and simply going farther along that path will solve many problems. Just remember not to make dialogue eternally formal and dramatic; the narration is good enough for that.

The characters are quite distinct and animated in their unique ways. The issue of Mary-Sues is a prevalent one, though, and I suggest you make deliberate effor towards it. The common instinct is to toss in flaws, which works to an extent, but you have to keep in mind that not all character development is specifically good or evil. A character is largely made of not flaws or virtues but traits, which may present themselves in good or evil ways in the form of actions. If one keeps this in mind, I think the issue of Mary-Sues becomes an entirely inconsequential one.

All in all, a thought-out and distinct fiction, with a few issues that will iron themselves out with the passage of the work.
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  #23    
Old April 21st, 2008, 06:31 PM
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Hello, friends. I am excited to announce that I now have Chapter Eight finished. I have spent over a week working on this, trying to make it the best quality I can, and I hope I have done so. This chapter is about 6,600 words and is 11 pages long, so it isn't really for the faint of heart. Please review and tell me things I did right/wrong.

Chapter Eight: The Return Home

Entei raced across the land, fear gripping his heart at what he thought he would find at his home. Mewtwo had apparently paid a visit to his home island, slaughtering countless legendary Pokemon in his search for a suitable Pokemon. Mewtwo's cold voice still echoed in his ears: “There are plenty of Entei's in the world, as well as every other “legendary” pokemon. There just happens to be very few in this area. Most others of your kind live in an island community in perfect harmony with other supposed legendaries. Well, at least they did.”

Entei's eyes flashed at this memory, anger pouring from his heart and into his thoughts. I swear, if Mewtwo so much as touched any of my family, he will pay with his life. The silent vow calmed him, assuring him that Mewtwo would pay restitution for any damage done to his home. Revenge was the only appropriate response for a travesty as great as killing the members of a sacred race.

Mewtwo isn't even a real Pokemon, Entei recalled. He was created by man and therefore is governed by the same basic flaws as all men are: greed, dishonesty, and ruthlessness. Entei's clairvoyant insight into this worked to tame him, forcing him to feel empathy for Mewtwo's misguided actions. Why can't he feel the same way about the Pokemon he has hurt? Entei wondered sadly.

Entei continued on, never stopping to take a break. He feared that he would lose his nerve if he were to stop, even momentarily. Entei needed to see the ancient city, needed to be sure that Mewtwo had indeed attacked his fellow Pokemon in an effort to find a worthy ally. Most of all, he needed a reason to desire revenge. I've made too many rash decisions already, Entei thought solemnly. I need to make right the wrongs of my past and end this evil at any cost.

Entei neared the shore of the island he was currently on. Across a narrow channel lay his home island, laying quiet and resolute in the nighttime darkness. No lights shone in the distance save that of small fires here and there. Entei was encouraged by this thought; perhaps his kinfolk were still alive.

Now came the problem of crossing the channel. As far as Entei could tell, the channel was only ten to fifteen feet deep. It seemed about twenty feet across and the water was calm, still as the ground beneath his feet. He calculated the odds of making it to the other side in a single bound, but decided that they didn't look too good. He stared at the calm, unmoving water for a few moments before an idea struck him. The water seems calm enough to warrant an attempt, Entei speculated thoughtfully. There is no other way to cross, and I don't possess the means to build a vessel to cross this channel.

Stepping back several feet, he gazed one more time at the unresponsive water. Without hesitation, he strode to the water's edge, picking up speed as quickly as he could. He reached top speed shortly before reaching the shore and used every ounce of his energy to maintain his momentum. He padded across the channel, his padded feet striking and leaving the surface before he could slip under. He managed to cross the treacherous channel just before exhausting himself too much. Gasping, he collapsed onto the solid ground and heaved, exhausted by the amazing feat he had accomplished

After a few short minutes, Entei managed to catch his breath and rise to his feet. He walked slowly towards the center of the island, fearing the worst. Throughout his walk, he could see signs of struggle in the ground, on the trees, and in the underbrush. Entei saddened considerably. Even if Mewtwo didn't attack this island, something did, he thought with remorse.

Nearly twenty minutes after leaving the edge of the island, Entei reached the center where the ancient Pokemon city lay. The sight before him stopped his heart and brought tears to his eyes. That bastard Mewtwo was here, Entei whispered to himself, his anger and hatred growing with every passing second.

Pokemon lay everywhere, either dead or close to it. Apparently, Mewtwo had decided that just killing them wasn't enough; he was going to punish them by forcing them to live through intense pain until they finally died from shock. Entei's hatred for Mewtwo grew stronger than Entei ever believed it could. It seemed to be a stronger feeling that just anger now; it was more like a disgust for Mewtwo's very existence. No word could explain how much Entei hated Mewtwo. This abomination had destroyed his whole life, first capturing him, then destroying everything he had ever loved. He will pay, Entei thought. If it's the last thing I do, Mewtwo will pay.

The anger was replaced by sadness almost immediately. A sense of helplessness washed over him as he surveyed the carnage. These Pokemon were much more experienced than me; older than me, wiser than me, more powerful than me, and yet they fell, Entei thought bitterly. If an entire island of legendary Pokemon were no match for Mewtwo, then what chance do I stand?

En.. Entei, a weak voice called from the heap of bodies near the center of the city. Entei rushed over, excited by the prospect that someone may yet live. When he drew near the source of the noise, however, he halted, horrified by what he saw before him.

A Suicune lay on the ground, a foreleg and rear leg missing from its body. Several gashes marred the once magnificent body of Entei's best friend, and the Suicune himself seemed close to entering the world beyond. A stream of tears ran down Entei's proud face, falling from his face and dropping precariously to the ground below. He bowed his head in respect for Suicune's fallen form, praying to whatever Gods there were that Suicune would earn a place in their domain. Suicune nodded in approval in the quiet prayer, tears streaming down his face as well.

What... What happened, my dear friend? Entei asked, pained. Suicune's sad eyes gazed up at him from his position on the ground, remembering the attack and the torture that followed.

A psychic type Pokemon appeared here a few days ago, Suicune began, pain etched into every syllable. He... he said he was looking for help for some kind of war, something about Pokemon killing each other out of dislike for each other. When we heard that he wanted us to fight in this war, we refused. We do not like getting involved in wars, as you know. Entei nodded in understanding, remembering the ancient traditions that the island's inhabitants adhered to.

Continue, my good friend, Entei said. What happened next?

Suicune gathered his breath, preparing to finish his story. He grew angry at our refusal, saying that if we did not join him that instant then we would all die. We laughed at his meager threat; how could he, one Pokemon, defeat an entire island of extremely well-trained trained Pokemon? Suicune shuddered at this thought. We were wrong to laugh. We had greatly underestimated his power, and our laughter only drew more anger from him. He displayed his awesome power by lifting and throwing a young Zapdos into a tree. The child died instantly, and we all backed away in surprise. He looked at us with great anger in his eyes and asked us one more time to join him.

Suicune shuddered, picturing the evil red gaze of Mewtwo. His eyes were crimson, almost blood red. They were the most evil eyes I have ever seen... or ever will see. We refused once again, and launched our own attacks against him, hoping to catch him off guard and defeat him. He was prepared, however, and managed to block every single attack. Our surprise awarded him with the opportunity to eliminate most of us, incapacitating those that had directly offended him. I was one of those he chose to torture. The memory struck a nerve in Suicune, causing great tears of pain, grief, and despair to flood from his turquoise eyes.

I... I am so sorry that I could not help you, Entei said apologetically. I should have been here, defending the home island instead of running around Kanto.

It is no use to fret on what could have been done, Suicune said. Only fret on what can still be done.

It's just... I seem to be alone now, Entei said sadly. Every other Pokemon living on this island is dead, and I doubt any other legendaries live outside of this island aside from me.

Not true, Suicune said, a gleam of hope now shining in his wet eyes. I believe some of the Pokemon that were here when that psychic attacked managed to hide from his murderous rampage. Aside from that, at least one of each legendary lives on the mainland. For once, the old traditions have proven useful.

Unfortunately, Moltres was captured by that psychic, Entei said regretfully. I, too, was captured momentarily, but managed to escape. Moltres, on the other hand, fell to brainwashing and was beyond saving. I must find a way to release him so that we can fight Mewtwo together.

So that's who it is, Suicune murmured sadly. I suspected, but I didn't think he had come out of hiding.

Trust me, I didn't think so either, Entei replied. Now you say that others may have survived?

Yes, Suicune said. I believe that they may be underground, in the labyrinth that was designed in emergencies like this. Even if you found them, though, they are probably all children, and possibly some infants. I doubt very many adult Pokemon made it down there. You may want to check them out before it's too late.

But what about you? Entei cried. I need to heal you, then maybe together we can take Mewtwo down!

Suicune turned his eyes away, fighting back tears. I fear that it is too late for me. I have suffered far too many wounds. I have already lost substantial amounts of blood.

Entei stepped closer to his friend, tears fresh in his eyes. He didn't try to hide them. His pride would not get in the way of his sacred duty to his best friend. There must be something we can do, Entei sobbed desperately.

I'm afraid it is too late, Suicune replied weakly, tears streaming down his face. You must do whatever you can to preserve the lineage of every legendary Pokemon that has lived on this island. Find Mewtwo, make him pay for the damage he has done. Do this for your brothers, your sisters, your elders. For me. For... Suicune hesitated. For her.

Entei's stomach lurched with nausea. Not her too, He thought quietly. His legs felt like they were going to buckle from under him, stranding him on the ground, too weak to stand up. He managed to steady himself with thoughts of revenge. I will avenge my family, my friends, my lover, Entei thought angrily. He will not avoid judgement.

Entei, Suicune said weakly, bringing him back to his senses. Please... would you breathe fire on me? I'm getting awfully cold. I just need a little bit of warmth... please.

Of course, my dear friend, Entei said sadly. A jet of fire emerged from Entei's great snout, enveloping Suicune in semi-hot fire. Suicune seemed to gain immediate comfort. Entei was pleased with his work. I will not allow you to pass on without some comfort. You have already endured so much.

I... I just wish I could help, Suicune said sadly. This is no easy task. You will need all the help you can get. Once you find the Pokemon that escaped into the underground, I suggest you take a few that are capable of holding their own and find Mewtwo. Make him pay for this slaughter. Do not allow him to live unpunished.

I promise, Entei began sternly. Mewtwo will pay for what he has done to you. Rest assured that you have not died in vain.

That's a relief, Suicune said. He now seemed more at peace with himself. His eyes closed slowly, glazing over as he did so. I will always be watching over you, my good friend, Suicune murmured. Over time, Suicune's breathing slowed until he breathed no more. Entei suspended the jet of flames emerging from his mouth, gazing at Suicune's motionless body with respect for his departure to the void beyond.

Perhaps that is the easy way out, Entei thought. This quest is too much for me... yet I must see it through. There is no one else who can avenge this monstrosity, no one else who can save Moltres. But first I need some help.

Entei left Suicune's body after another few minutes of respectful mourning and began searching for the entrance to the underground cavern. He tried to avert his eyes from the body's of his fallen comrades, but he couldn't help but look. He recognized many of the Pokemon that lay dead in the cobblestone streets of the ancient city. Many of the faces he recognized belonged to childhood friends who should have gone on to do great things. Instead, they lay dead, discarded by a Pokemon who knew nothing of remorse or empathy. His hate was strengthened by the sight, his heart weakened by the limp bodies of close friends and family. Reluctantly, he turned his focus to finding the entrance to the underground hideout.

The layout of the city was simple. There was a large capital building in the center, inhabited centuries ago by humans who had abandoned the island in the midst of natural disaster. Surrounding the capital were small shops and homes erected during the more populous periods of the island's history. Many of the buildings were run down and were impossible to enter, unless the curious intruder wanted the roof to collapse on their unsuspecting head.

Many strange black discs lined the streets, placed at regular intervals. Entei could not determine what these black discs were, but assumed that they were in place to add structural support to the streets. While glancing at one of these discs, he remembered a time when his mother had told him a secret about the city.

===============================================================

Now, young one, never attempt to move those black discs in the road, his mother said. She was lying on the floor of one of the abandoned houses, nursing one of Entei's newborn brothers. She had a vacant expression on her face, as if she were dreaming of a time long ago.

Why can't I touch them? Entei asked curiously. He was about half the height of a full-grown Entei, but still strong and a force to be reckoned with. He was one of the most muscular Pokemon on the island, and it seemed that he would take the title of the strongest Entei when he reached full height, and with that move to the mainland to assure the survival of his species.

They hide a secret so powerful that it could affect the future of every Pokemon on this island, his mother responded dreamily. Apparently she knew this from personal experience.

What secret? Entei asked eagerly. He had an insatiable desire to learn new things, especially secrets. He had gotten into trouble numerous times for trying to eavesdrop on important meetings and other Pokemon's personal affairs.

If I told you, then it wouldn't be a secret, would it? She asked doggedly. All you need to know is that it may save our species some day. These black discs are perhaps the only defense we have of an attack by trainers. We guard these secrets very well.

If humans had created the black discs in the city, then don't you think they would know these secrets too? Entei asked. He saw this as an obvious flaw in the plan, something that may turn out to be their downfall.

This city is quite old; I doubt any humans even know what those discs are, despite having created them, his mother replied. Besides, if it seems that the humans know what they are, then we'll just change their color. Perhaps pink would fool them.

Entei stared at her thoughtfully, ingesting the information she had provided him. That may work, he finally said after some long thinking. It may work just fine.

====================================================

Entei found that he had wandered close to one of the black discs. He examined it carefully, trying to determine what secret it hid. He dropped his face closer to the disc and sniffed it, curious as to whether the smell was the key. Surprisingly, the scent of many Pokemon met him. Not a faint scent that had been left by Pokemon walking across it, nor the scent of the dead Pokemon, but the scent of a few dozen living Pokemon. It's coming from below, he realized suddenly.

Entei lifted one of his massive paws and swung towards the black disc with all of his might. The stainless steel barely even dented from the force of his blow. Entei's pulled back his paw, surprised at the sudden pain jolting through it. He looked at the disc more carefully, trying to figure out a way to move it. He soon noticed small indents on the outer rim of the disc, possibly used to lift the disc from the depression in the ground.

Entei carefully placed a claw in one of the indents. Carefully, he lifted the disc out of its place in the street and placed it on the street. He peered into the black hole beneath him, unable to discern any shapes. However, he could see the faint outline of eyes, probably from the fire and electric Pokemon. As his eyes adjusted, he saw about three dozen frightened Pokemon worriedly staring up at him from the abyss.

Please don't hurt us, one particularly small Raikou said in fear. The wide eyes evident on every Pokemon's face in that dark space mirrored his thoughts.

My God, they're all kids! Entei thought, amazed. I don't see a single adult anywhere here!

Please let us live, a Suicune pleaded. We did nothing wrong; we only want to go home.

Entei looked away regretfully, knowing that they would not have the opportunity to ever return home again. Their homes were destroyed with their parents. A wave of pity rolled over Entei. He knew that these Pokemon were almost certainly doomed to die, as he could do nothing to help them. They had very little hope for a future.

Don't worry, Entei said smoothly. I'm not here to hurt you. I'm trying to find all of the survivors here. He felt a hole open in his stomach at those words.

Survivors? A young Articuno asked. But that means... Everyone's dead! He screamed in shock.

Y-yes, Entei faltered. I'm very sorry, but your families... all of the adults... I...

Don't worry, a Zapdos said, trying to comfort Entei. I'm sure some of the adults managed to get away. They were going to hide some of them when that awful Pokemon came from the sky. Besides, I heard there was some work going on in these things. Some Pokemon might still be down there, unknowing of what's happened up here.

Entei was surprised at this child's eloquence; she seemed more like an adult than a child. Reminds me of myself when I was that age, he thought.

================================================================

The sun shone bright, exhibiting the exuberance the entire island was feeling at that moment. This was the day Entei had been waiting for, the day he would accept the title of the strongest Entei on the island and journey to the mainland to explore the realm of man.

Every Pokemon on the island was there; even the previous year's champion attended. Entei felt a sudden rush of nervousness from the large crowd drawn by the event. He had already completed the trials alongside his rivals for the crown, and had done extremely well. His performance was said to rival that of the famed Bolthagor the Great. His opponent was seen by the public in a similar light.

There were almost no physical distinctions between Entei and his opponent. They were both comprised of layered muscles, which rippled under the fur whenever they moved. Their manes were the same crimson color, making them nearly indistinguishable. Their eyes were even the same color. The only difference was the half inch height difference between them, his opponent being the taller competitor.

Entei was preparing for the ceremony when his opponent approached him. His name was Misguard, named after another legendary Entei. Entei had never been given a proper name; his mother had thought it more appropriate to name him Entei than anything else. Everyone thought she was insane, since a Pokemon's name was an indication of power. The greater known the name, the more respected the Pokemon was. Using the generic Entei name, his mother had destroyed any chance of him being famous throughout the Pokemon world. Who would think that legends of Entei were more than just a reference to an Entei with an unknown name?

Misguard stood proudly, the wind blowing his mane, adding to his aura of power and demand for respect. He eyed Entei with indifference, sizing him up. Entei felt himself fall under the intense scrutiny of his greatest opponent. He returned the gesture, examining every rippling muscle, every curve of lean tissue, every perfectly sharpened claws. We are too evenly matched, Entei thought. If it comes down to a battle, we will probably kill each other.

Hello, Entei, Misguard said smugly. Judging from the look of contempt showing on his face, Entei assumed that Misguard had thought of the implications of battle. It seems that we are very far ahead of our comrades in this tournament. In fact, the next closest Entei is trailing us by fifty points.

Entei's eyes betrayed no emotion, hiding the shock that accompanied Misguard's announcement. I didn't think we were that far ahead, he thought to himself. To Misguard he said, Where does that leave us? Entei was afraid that he was trailing Misguard by even one point. It would be difficult to make up any point difference.

Misguard hesitated. We are tied right now, he said sourly. But that won't last for long. The Elders are discussing what should be done to decide the winner of the tournament this very second.

Entei couldn't believe what he had heard. We're tied? He thought wondrously. A sick feeling accompanied the excitement he initially felt at this revelation. We might have to fight each other, he thought fearfully. That won't turn out good.

Misguard studied Entei's reaction carefully, looking for a lapse in his calm disposition. He was disappointed to see that Entei's face didn't betray the fear he most certainly felt. Entei was proud of his ability to hide emotion; he had learned it from his mother.

A bell tolled in the distance from the approximate direction of the stadium, catching Entei and Misguard by surprise. They both jumped a foot or so in the air, but managed to regain composure quickly. They glanced at each other before shrugging and following the path towards the ancient stadium.

The stadium lay outside of the city, in a clearing in the middle of the forest. Few paths led to this awesome structure that hadn't been plagued by the growth of vegetation since the original inhabitant's abandonment of the island. The stadium itself was a beautiful piece of architecture. It was several hundred feet tall and was easily two miles in circumference. Entei had relished running around the colossal structure as a child, feeling the wind blow through his mane and pockmarking his face with several particles of sand.

The inside of the stadium was a sort of amphitheater, with the stands raised higher than the “stage”, as the Elders liked to call it. It was here where competitions took place, whether they be annual celebratory tournaments or the yearly tournament held to decide which member of each species would be best suited to live on the mainland. The stage was well suited to a large variety of events, from speed challenges to Pokemon battles. Incidentally, Pokemon usually took their disputes here to be seen by all of the Pokemon of the island. The stadium was frequently used, and thus had to be kept in excellent condition. Many Pokemon were assigned the task of maintaining the stadium, making sure that the beams could support the massive structure.

Entei and Misguard approached the large hole in the side of the stadium that served as a gate. They walked through an elaborate maze of hallways before finding their way to the entrance of the stage. Misguard nodded to Entei and ran through the hallway to his side of the stage. When Misguard was in place, the two rivals entered the stage, which now seemed to be set up for a battle. Great, Entei thought in despair. It looks like they decided on a battle to decide the winner.

Misguard stood still, looking calm despite the tremors of fear coursing throughout his body. Entei gained confidence when he saw this. He's scared too, he thought, courage flowing into him. He turned his great head towards the Elders table to hear what was to be carried out.

My fellow Pokemon, an old Moltres said. This Moltres' fire shown with a duller flame than most Entei had ever seen. It was obvious that this Moltres was older than every other Pokemon on the island, perhaps by many centuries. It is my pleasure to announce the final event for the two remaining Entei to compete in for the title of the world's strongest Entei. Will the competitors please approach the table?

Entei and Misguard cast weary glances at each other before reluctantly walking to the Elders table. Here Entei could get a better view of the Moltres that presided over the Elders. He was massive, about two times larger than the other Moltres that littered the stadium. Scars decorated his body, tribute to the many battles he had fought in as a young Moltres. Despite the frailty he conveyed, a fire burned in his ancient eyes as if daring someone to fight him. Entei had no doubt that any Pokemon, even one of the island's many Zapdos, would fall in battle to him. Clearly, this Moltres' power could not be matched.

How are you today? The Moltres asked the two Entei softly. Both Entei and Misguard replied that they felt fine and were ready to finish the tournament. Moltres smiled at this and addressed the audience once more. It is time to announce the final test. As you all know, very few ties have occurred in the history of this island. When a tie does occur, however, one of the competitors usually backs out in surrender to their opponent. This isn't because they have lost heart, but because they do not wish to battle their opponent.

The crowd became restless and excited at these words, as many of them had hoped for a Pokemon battle. They had no doubt figured out that Entei and Misguard would be almost evenly matched in battle, and had longed for one to take place throughout the entire tournament. Moltres smiled at the effect of his words. After a moment of murmuring passing through the crowd, Moltres quieted them with a simple wave of one of his massive wings. The noise died down and Moltres continued.

I know you can't wait for the battle to begin, as Pokemon this evenly matched have seldom battled, so I will allow the competitors to choose when to begin the battle. To Entei and Misguard he said, Whenever you're ready, just step on the field. The two Entei nodded and turned, gathering their thoughts and courage as they approached the battle platform.

They stood opposite each other, casting angry looks towards the other while calmly awaiting the referee of the battle to approach the platform. An Articuno finally found its way to the raised platform and nodded towards the competitors. Both Entei nodded back, ready to start the battle.

You both know the rules, Articuno said. I wish both of you the best of luck. Now, begin the battle! The crowd cheered at the referee's booming announcement. Entei immediately drown out the audience, concentrating on Misguard. Misguard, too, focused on Entei, and they circled each other, awaiting the other to make the first move. As they circled they drew closer, almost within range of a physical attack. Entei knew he had to fight the urge to bite or scratch his opponent, as that would put him at a severe disadvantage. For a long while, neither made a move.

Misguard must have decided that enough time had passed and become impatient because he lunged at Entei with its claws outstretched and its jaws opened. Entei barely dodged the attack, but realized that his dodge had thrown him off balance. He spun around just in time to see Misguard leaping at him once more. This time Entei did not try to dodge the attack, but instead leaped towards Misguard. They collided in midair, knocking each other away with the force of their swinging paws. They fell to the ground and rolled to their feet, ready for another bout. Both reached their feet at the same time, awing the audience.

Very good, Misguard thought, breathing heavily. I didn't expect that retaliation. They circled each other once more, trying to find an opening to exploit. Both had perfect poses, however, and guarded any possible weak spots with extreme care.

Expect the unexpected, Entei replied, still searching out a weak spot. It must be there, he thought desperately. No Pokemon is perfect. An opening appeared when Misguard stumbled over a stone with his left hind leg. Entei immediately lunged at Misguard's defenseless form, anticipating the collision between his body and Misguard's prone form. Misguard surprised him, however, by countering Entei's attack with a swipe of his right forefoot. Entei flew towards a boulder near the outside edge of the arena, shattering the large rock with his collision. Entei fell to the ground and struggled to his feet, rage building up inside of him.

He planned that, he thought in surprise. He tricked me into thinking he had slipped up.

Misguard bolted across the field in a flurry of flames, attempting to slam Entei into the remnants of the shattered boulder. Entei dodged the attack just in time, though, and left Misguard to slam into the boulder with great force. I knew it wouldn't be that easy, Misguard said. I figured that you still had some tricks up your sleeve.

You assumed correct, Entei said, facing Misguard as they circled each other again. They again began the arduous task of seeking a weak point, hoping to render their opponent incapacitated. None seemed to present themselves now: Misguard obviously wasn't foolish enough to think the same trick would work twice. They continued to circle each other as the crowd's excitement built. They could tell this was an intense battle between two equals, and whatever the outcome, they were by far the strongest Entei in the world.

Entei made a sudden move towards Misguard, surprising him and making him stumble for real this time. Entei siezed his opportunity and rushed Misguard, who could not defend himself this time. Entei slammed into Misguard's helpless body and pressed him against the ground while slashing his face with a mighty paw. Misguard howled in rage, anxious to teach Entei a lesson. With all of his energy, Misguard threw Entei off of him and pinned him down, taking his chance to slash at Entei. They continued to roll around, draining each other's energy through well placed blows that scarred them. Neither appeared to be winning. The crowd watched, transfixed by the brutality with which the two Entei attacked each other. They were completely silent; the baby Pokemon didn't even cry when their hunger overtook them and their mother's didn't feed them. Every single eye was on the two Pokemon struggling for leverage in the arena.

The two Pokemon pushed each other away and climbed slowly to their feet. Both were worn out greatly by the skirmish that had taken place, but they attempted to hide it. Their legs were weak, their eyes were glazed in exhaustion, and their bodies glistened with sweat. They again circled each other, too weak to cover every weak point but also too tired to take advantage of one of their opponents. Finally, Entei attacked.

He jumped as high as he could into the air and aimed his body at Misguard. Misguard looked up at Entei's flying body, frozen in fear. Entei collided with Misguard, slamming him into the ground and weakening him considerably. Entei had misjudged the drain he would feel in his energy, however: he, too, was near the point of blacking out.

Misguard noticed the vacancy existent in Entei's eyes and took advantage of this. He ran at Entei, swerving left and right to throw him off guard. Entei wearily watched him, not even trying to block the attack. Misguard smashed into Entei and threw him off of the platform. Entei landed with a loud thump, and was knocked unconscious.

After that humiliation, as Entei called it, he trained every day. Whether he was sore or feeling perfect, he trained. Whether he was tired or energetic, he trained. Whether he was sick or well, he trained. A year passed and he found himself against Misguard once again, who had experienced a year in Kanto. They fought again after another tie, but this time Entei was victorious. That win led to the life Entei had led on the mainland since the first time he had won the tournament.

========================================================================

Entei gazed wearily at the Pokemon in the pit, a pit of worry filling his stomach as the realization that they were his responsibility, at least until he found the adult Pokemon, hit him hard. Even if they are like I was at that age, he thought, they aren't ready for this kind of adventure. Something tells me that they will play a role, but what could they possibly do? They are only children!

Entei argued with himself. His intuition had often proved correct, but he simply refused to believe it this time. I will not put these young ones in danger! He thought violently. They haven't even had a chance to experience life yet! How can I expect them to die? He looked at the young legendaries, his eyes dull with sadness at the waste their lives would be. What can I do to protect them anyway? Mewtwo will only return and destroy them if he finds out they survived his initial attack.

The young Pokemon stared at him as he paced, the fear gone from their hearts as they now realized that Entei was here to help. They felt pity for him, since the older Pokemon knew that Entei would face many trials far tougher than this one in his journey, and they wished they could unburden him of some of his responsibility. They knew also that the chances any adults had survived the attack were very low, that this Entei was perhaps the last adult left on the island who wasn't dead. They knew of his responsibility to his family, that he was required to avenge the death of those he held dear. Their predicament would only hold him back from his solemn duty, and they knew it.

An older Articuno, perhaps a teenager by human standards, stood nervously off to the side of the young Pokemon. He had been fretting with a possible solution for quite some time, as he was aware of the problems Entei would face raising them. The young Articuno knew that he needed to speak up, to tell Entei his grand idea, but his nerves failed him at every chance he had. Finally, he fought the dread growing in his stomach and addressed Entei. Sir, he thought respectfully. I believe that I could help with the care of these Pokemon.

Entei eyed the young Articuno wearily. Go on, he said slowly.

Articuno nodded in thanks. Several of us here are old enough to find our way through the forests and find berries for the younger Pokemon and ourselves. I believe that we can survive for a long while in this manner, the older half of the Pokemon here caring for the younger half.

Entei nodded his approval; he was liking this plan so far. Continue, he responded at Articuno's hesitation.

Articuno regained his composure and drove on. I think it would be beneficial to you along with the world if you leave us older Pokemon to watch the younger ones. You must find the Pokemon responsible for this and kill them. How can we expect you to do that and babysit us at the same time?

Entei stood thoughtfully before replying. The only problem with that is I don't know if I can trust you to take care of them properly.

Articuno's eyes met Entei's, locking a full quarter of a minute before he responded. You have nothing to worry about. I promise on my life that no harm will befall these children. You have my guarantee that they will be healthy and safe the day you return.

Entei studied the child for a few moments before deciding. He acknowledged that the Articuno had a valid point, and he also knew that the longer he stayed here, the greater the chance Mewtwo would attack again. Mewtwo was hunting him, after all. Entei finally made up his mind, but hesitated before finally announcing his decision. Your terms sound reasonable, he admitted. I will allow you to watch these young Pokemon while I am away. Just take good care of them and let no harm befall them. If that Pokemon returns, I want you to hide in the catacombs of the city at all costs. No need to play hero. Hopefully, you won't have to worry about this.

The Articuno nodded, happy that Entei trusted him enough with the lives of the island's Pokemon. He was eager to prove himself to this legendary figure, the strongest Entei who had ever lived. If he could impress him, then his future was set on the mainland.

I am placing all responsibility on you, Entei said to Articuno. If anything happens to these Pokemon, then believe me when I say that you will be punished for your inadequacy and your boasting here today.

I understand, Articuno replied solemnly. He vowed to himself to protect the Pokemon at all costs, to make Entei proud of him, to make a name for himself throughout all the land. Pokemon will sing my name in praise for all eternity, Articuno thought wistfully. The name 'Gartran' will become a household name, just as Entei's name has.

I must leave you now, but I want you to send some of the older Pokemon to find berries for all of you to eat, and others to search for any surviving adults. Until adults are found or I return, this Articuno... Entei stopped, forgetting Articuno's proper name.

Gartran, sir, the Articuno replied proudly.

Gartran is in charge until then, Entei said. If you all work together, then perhaps we can rebuild this community. Just perhaps... His speech trailing off, Entei headed towards the coast of the island where he had come from, taking great care to avoid stepping of the bodies of his fallen comrades. They have suffered enough torture, Entei thought dully as he stepped around a fallen Zapdos. No need to cause any more damage to them.
__________________
I am returning once again (hopefully for good). I will be updating Affliction regularly and reviewing other people's fics every so often. If you would like to request a review, then please send me a PM.

My FFC entry for April 2008: My Endless Loneliness
My Discontinued, Chaptered FanFiction: The Fall of Light
My current chaptered FanFiction: Affliction
My Parody of Pure Awesomeness (requires some context to fully appreciate): Sir. Aaron - A Parody

Last edited by Post Office Buddy; April 26th, 2008 at 12:40 PM.
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  #24    
Old April 21st, 2008, 09:01 PM
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bobandbill
Where's that sheep...
 
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Central Coast - Australia
Age: 22
Gender: Male
Nature: Jolly
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Well Done. That was really good there - well written, lots of drama, and good structure. You did quite well in painting the 'legendary' way of life - the flashbacks and scene shifts were done very well, and you really had me going for Entei during his matter with Misguard - great atmosphere - your improvements continue to astound me, really. I do feel that when you write a chapter from Mewtwo's or Entei's prespective, you tend to do better, than this was no execption.

Great change in atmosphere form time to time as well, and the plot is really moving quite nicely, and shaping to be a really good story. I do wonder where Jeff comes into this - I guess I will have to wait and see.

There was a tad too much of Entei thinking at the beginning 'Mewtwo show suffer my vengence!' going on, which got a tad overused, espcially that Entei started to do it again when he saw all of the Pokemon killed by Mewtwo.

Quote:
Continue, my good friend, Entei said. What happened next?

Not needed, but maybe a comma after 'continue'.
Quote:
We laughed at his meager threat; how could he, one Pokemon, defeat an entire island of frighteningly trained Pokemon?

I somewhat feel that 'frighteningly' doesn't quite work - sounds like they were trained in a scary way or something... maybe 'well-trained' rather than just trained.
Quote:
But what about you? Entei cried. I need to heal you, Then maybe together we can take Mewtwo down!

Either make the 'T' small, or make the comma a full stop.
Quote:
Entei remembered the secret he had been hinted and walked nearer to a black disc.

That sentence felt a bit unnesserary. He just had that flashback, so I don't think you need to tell us that he now remembered it after showing us it.
Quote:
Entei made a sudden move towards Misguard, surprising it and making it stumble for real this time

Misguard was refered to as 'he' before, so remain consistant of this (have been guilty of doing a similar thing myself, BTW).
I also felt that the last paragraph of that flashback was a bit rushed and anti-climatic - just after he lost, it said 'Oh, Entei trained harder this time and won a year later' - which didn't fit in with the rest of the well detailed and described battle.
Quote:
They were completely silent, not even the baby Pokemon crying in frustration of not being fed by their mothers.

Bit of a contridiction there - maybe have 'not even the baby Pokemon made a whimper of protest of not being...', etc. - or something like that.
Quote:
Even if they are like I was at that age, he thought,

That felt a bit uncomfortable, the first part - might need to be reworded so it's a bit clearer.

Overall - very good though - for me, the best chapter yet. Good description, events... the lot. Keep it up.
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Sheep in the Big City: General Specific
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Old April 22nd, 2008, 07:41 AM
Jak's Avatar
Jak
i'll let you have it
 
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Alabama
Age: 22
Gender: Female
Nature: Timid
Well, I don't have time to give you a full review like I would, and anyway bobandbill got to it before I could. But, this is going well so far, and the only thing I can really tell you is just to follow bobandbill's advice-- especially on the repetitive stuff. Gotta work on that.

Quote:
Well, firstly, save the world? You did explain it somewhat, but a tad too quickly and without having him really consider this too much, for me. His character seems bland, and couldn't see many flaws in him - just seems like a guy to me at the moment... try to develop him further.
Then you gave him a shiny Charmander (which, by the way, is actually oragey-yellow rather than black - only becomes so when it evolves into a Charaizad - fix that!) - which is somewhat... questionable. I can understand that the professor is helping him to save the world and so he gets it, but might use a bit more backing up, as well as being rather unlikely, to say the least. Seems just too unlikely and unrealistic, as well as Katy getting Mew...
In the third chapter, also, there was a lack of emotion there really - and Jeff seems to accept these far too easily...
I'll have to agree here-- when I was reading that part, I kinda questioned it. It is a tad cliche.

I'll try to check in a bit more often. But keep in mind, my only means of this are school computers, seeing as I'm grounded at home.

-Silver

Edit:
Quote:
. Legendary birds, ancient texts, Mew, and to top it off some prophecy that may require me to die. I don't see how this is fair; Chuck Norris never had to go through any of this.
-lawl- Chuck Norris.

I had a history teacher that looked like him.
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Bang bang, all over you, I'll let you have it
Wait a minute, let me take you there

Last edited by Jak; April 22nd, 2008 at 07:47 AM.
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