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  #1    
Old April 27th, 2008, 11:04 AM
Sydian's Avatar
Sydian
But you're still hungry.
 
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Gee, should have just handed me a knife back in these days!

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Last edited by Sydian; November 10th, 2010 at 07:47 PM. Reason: Removed poem.
  #2    
Old April 27th, 2008, 03:18 PM
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Avey
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You have a nice tempo, the only thing that irritates me is that 'lay' is past tense, while the rest of the verses are always present tense in your poem.
  #3    
Old April 27th, 2008, 03:30 PM
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Sydian
But you're still hungry.
 
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Alabama
Age: 22
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You bring up a good point...

I'll change that now.

And thanks.

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  #4    
Old April 29th, 2008, 08:43 AM
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Toblerone
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Good poem, a bit depressing, but.. good poem


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  #5    
Old May 3rd, 2008, 09:12 AM
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Sydian
But you're still hungry.
 
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Alabama
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^ I woke up aching and hurting inside. Of course it was depressing. :D

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  #6    
Old May 10th, 2008, 02:48 PM
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Superjub
Pokémon Aureolin
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Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Hoenn
Age: 19
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Nature: Timid
I agree that your poems are depressing yet good.
Poem's dont have to be happy to be good. It just has to express emotion.
Your poems are sad and really make a point. That's what makes them intresting.
I'd love to read more of your poems.
Keep up the good work


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  #7    
Old May 15th, 2008, 10:39 AM
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Richard Lynch
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Oni Raichu View Post
You have a nice tempo, the only thing that irritates me is that 'lay' is past tense, while the rest of the verses are always present tense in your poem.
I like this! It is depressing, but it has a good rhythm. And it rhymes!

I didn't know people still wrote depressing poetry that rhymes.

Also, just had to address this one:

Actually, if English class is still with me, lay is present tense. Laid is past tense.
... I think.
Lay is one of those weird words that you can never get the right form of.

But currently the title is wrong; lie is a fib. Lay was correct, I believe.
Exterminate All Rational Thought

Richard
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  #8    
Old May 15th, 2008, 11:06 AM
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I think the correct one here would be lay;as a verb used with an object (oneself) it fits best into what I believe you're trying to express.

Lay is more often used with an object, for instance: "I lay a box on the floor". It describes the action of setting down something on a surface.

Lie is more commonly used without an object, as in to be reclined; "I lie on my bed". It describes something already resting on a surface.

Taking this into account, if your intention was to use the verb lie, then the poem probably should've been named "While I lie dying".
Leute mit Courage und Charakter scheinen den anderen Leuten immer unheimlich. 勇気と品性の人々はそのほかの人々にとってつねに不吉思われる。Hermann Hesse
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