The PokéCommunity Forums  

Go Back   The PokéCommunity Forums > Creative Discussions > Fan Fiction and Writing
Sign Up Rules/FAQ Live Battle Blogs Mark Forums Read

Notices

Fan Fiction and Writing Submit your stories and poems.


Advertise here

Reply
 
Thread Tools
  #1    
Old April 27th, 2008, 11:04 AM
Jak's Avatar
Jak
i'll let you have it
 
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Alabama
Age: 22
Gender: Female
Nature: Timid

Advertise here
Gee, should have just handed me a knife back in these days!
__________________
Bang bang!

Into the room, I know you want it
Bang bang, all over you, I'll let you have it
Wait a minute, let me take you there

Last edited by Jak; November 10th, 2010 at 07:47 PM. Reason: Removed poem.
Reply With Quote
  #2    
Old April 27th, 2008, 03:18 PM
Avey's Avatar
Avey
Enter The Slasher House
 
Join Date: Dec 2007
You have a nice tempo, the only thing that irritates me is that 'lay' is past tense, while the rest of the verses are always present tense in your poem.
Reply With Quote
  #3    
Old April 27th, 2008, 03:30 PM
Jak's Avatar
Jak
i'll let you have it
 
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Alabama
Age: 22
Gender: Female
Nature: Timid
You bring up a good point...

I'll change that now.

And thanks.
__________________
Bang bang!

Into the room, I know you want it
Bang bang, all over you, I'll let you have it
Wait a minute, let me take you there
Reply With Quote
  #4    
Old April 29th, 2008, 08:43 AM
Toblerone's Avatar
Toblerone
Which chocolate is the best?
 
Join Date: Feb 2008
Gender:
Nature: Lonely
Good poem, a bit depressing, but.. good poem
__________________


My (now dead) Pc family:
Reply With Quote
  #5    
Old May 3rd, 2008, 09:12 AM
Jak's Avatar
Jak
i'll let you have it
 
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Alabama
Age: 22
Gender: Female
Nature: Timid
^ I woke up aching and hurting inside. Of course it was depressing. :D
__________________
Bang bang!

Into the room, I know you want it
Bang bang, all over you, I'll let you have it
Wait a minute, let me take you there
Reply With Quote
  #6    
Old May 10th, 2008, 02:48 PM
Superjub's Avatar
Superjub
Pokémon Aureolin
Community Supporter
 
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Hoenn
Age: 19
Gender: Male
Nature: Timid
I agree that your poems are depressing yet good.
Poem's dont have to be happy to be good. It just has to express emotion.
Your poems are sad and really make a point. That's what makes them intresting.
I'd love to read more of your poems.
Keep up the good work
__________________


Pokémon Aureolin



Reply With Quote
  #7    
Old May 15th, 2008, 10:39 AM
Richard Lynch's Avatar
Richard Lynch
Professor Lynch
 
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Pennsylvania
Age: 26
Gender: Male
Nature: Impish
Send a message via AIM to Richard Lynch
Quote:
Originally Posted by Oni Raichu View Post
You have a nice tempo, the only thing that irritates me is that 'lay' is past tense, while the rest of the verses are always present tense in your poem.
I like this! It is depressing, but it has a good rhythm. And it rhymes!

I didn't know people still wrote depressing poetry that rhymes.

Also, just had to address this one:

Actually, if English class is still with me, lay is present tense. Laid is past tense.
... I think.
Lay is one of those weird words that you can never get the right form of.

But currently the title is wrong; lie is a fib. Lay was correct, I believe.
__________________
Exterminate All Rational Thought

Richard
0215 9525 7958
Reply With Quote
  #8    
Old May 15th, 2008, 11:06 AM
Careful With That Axe, Pichu!'s Avatar
Careful With That Axe, Pichu!
 
Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: Santa Isabel, Mexico
Age: 87
Gender: Male
Nature: Careful
I think the correct one here would be lay;as a verb used with an object (oneself) it fits best into what I believe you're trying to express.

Lay is more often used with an object, for instance: "I lay a box on the floor". It describes the action of setting down something on a surface.

Lie is more commonly used without an object, as in to be reclined; "I lie on my bed". It describes something already resting on a surface.

Taking this into account, if your intention was to use the verb lie, then the poem probably should've been named "While I lie dying".
__________________
Leute mit Courage und Charakter scheinen den anderen Leuten immer unheimlich. 勇気と品性の人々はそのほかの人々にとってつねに不吉思われる。Hermann Hesse
Reply With Quote
Reply
Quick Reply

Sponsored Links


Advertise here
Thread Tools

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Minimum Characters Per Post: 25



All times are UTC -8. The time now is 01:02 AM.


Style by Nymphadora, artwork by Sa-Dui.
Like our Facebook Page Follow us on Twitter © 2002 - 2014 The PokéCommunity™, pokecommunity.com.
Pokémon characters and images belong to The Pokémon Company International and Nintendo. This website is in no way affiliated with or endorsed by Nintendo, Creatures, GAMEFREAK, The Pokémon Company or The Pokémon Company International. We just love Pokémon.
All forum styles, their images (unless noted otherwise) and site designs are © 2002 - 2014 The PokéCommunity / PokéCommunity.com.
PokéCommunity™ is a trademark of The PokéCommunity. All rights reserved. Sponsor advertisements do not imply our endorsement of that product or service. User generated content remains the property of its creator.