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  #1    
Old April 27th, 2008 (03:35 PM). Edited April 27th, 2008 by Brien.
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Brien Brien is offline
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Prologue
Many of you remember the first few episodes of Pokemon. Ash Ketchum was in the Viridian forest along with Misty, when he came across a mysterious young samurai, who fights with his trusted Metapod and Pinsir. The samurai easily defeats Ashes Pidgeotto and but his Pinsir is rendered useless after its mighty claws break upon the hardened Metapod. He decides to send out his own Metapod in a useless attempt at “out-hardening” the opposition. The battle seems as if it will become a draw, until the samurai flees in the forest after a swarm of Beedrill strikes.My story leaves of from there. Brien (the name of the samurai) is taking care of his wounded Pokemon in the grand tree in the center of the Viridian forest. Continue reading to find out why he lives here, where his family is, and what will become of him.

Chapter 1

Serenity… Balance…Patience. When you are like me, which I doubt you are not, these traits come to you as natural as the trees that I grew up with. My name is Brien and I am a warrior. Not a warrior of anger or hatred, but one of honor. For me, life is far from predetermined and I want to prove that my destiny can become a positive one.

Meta! Pinsir! Here I come!” I yelled, rapidly climbing the seemingly endless trees with an ease most kids my age would find uncanny and frankly impossible. My hands and feet effortlessly climb to the top of a tree with a diameter so large; no man alive could wrap their arms around even half of the base. At the near top of this tree is where I and my family call home. My family is not like yours, for the most part. Of course we are as close as any real family and would do anything for each other; but my true family has long since been dead ever since that night.

I used to be quite happy, just as any four year old would be. My loving mother and father proudly resided on Cinnabar Island. They fell in love during a massive research project in a grand mansion. They studied combining genetics and fossils to reproduce stronger, ancient Pokemon. They married quickly after a breakthrough, their research wove a tight bond between the two and shortly after, they brought be into this world. Our life was simply magnificent, money was never an issue and we were the most respected family on the entire island. My father’s discovery was almost about to be unveiled, supposedly an improved form of the almost perfect PROJECT MEW II. My mother dressed me in my finest collared shirt and a pair of nice khakis. We were going to meet my father at the unveiling of his discovery. Suddenly, unaware of our surrounding, a group of men came and took us into the mansion. We were in the basement, but I didn’t know any of the people there except my parents. They were tied up and I heard them scream, I began crying and they took me out of the room. The next thing I know, the muffled yells of them quickly stopped and I just knew they were killed. I will probably never know why, but they were killed…

The men were the foulest things I have ever seen. They were extremely muscular, unshaven, generally miserable people. The only thing that still remains an unwavering memory from the tragic night is the large “R” on the jackets of them all. It was crimson red, lined with a thin silver thread, a truly unforgettable insignia. They forcefully sent me off the island in a small boat, where what seemed like an eternity later, I was found on the banks of the ocean by Pinsir.
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  #2    
Old April 27th, 2008 (03:44 PM).
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Post Office Buddy Post Office Buddy is offline
Trapped inside this Octavarium
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Join Date: Mar 2008
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This is more of an introduction, but as I said earlier in AIM, it sounds good. Just work your best to develop a quality story and as long as you put a sincere effort in, then you will have my support.

P.S. - I hope you don't plan on using that text for your actual story. The mod here hates it, as do I, and it does get rather annoying.
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I am returning once again (hopefully for good). I will be updating Affliction regularly and reviewing other people's fics every so often. If you would like to request a review, then please send me a PM.

My FFC entry for April 2008: My Endless Loneliness
My Discontinued, Chaptered FanFiction: The Fall of Light
My current chaptered FanFiction: Affliction
My Parody of Pure Awesomeness (requires some context to fully appreciate): Sir. Aaron - A Parody
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  #3    
Old April 27th, 2008 (03:50 PM).
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Astinus Astinus is online now
Remember NovEnder
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You seriously need to make it longer. Like actually have the first chapter ready to go instead of a dry introduction.

Like, have Brien think over his life, or something better than just telling the reader what happened.

This is really short. The font is hard to read, and the rules specifically state not to muck around with the font since it's hard to read.

Quote:
Ashes
That's not how to make a possessive. It's "Ash's".

Quote:
My story leaves of from there.
"leaves of"? First, it's "off". Secondly, you are looking for "begins here", since leaves off means that it ends.

You have an idea, you just need to write it before posting. Otherwise, this fic is way too short, and should be closed unless your first chapter is good.
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  #4    
Old April 27th, 2008 (03:50 PM).
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Adrian Johnson Adrian Johnson is offline
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Wow, it's a great introduction but you still have to write more.
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  #5    
Old April 29th, 2008 (03:26 PM).
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Post Office Buddy Post Office Buddy is offline
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Join Date: Mar 2008
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Rather short for a first chapter, it felt more like a prologue to me. You could easily write more than what you did here. I will review it, however, and will try to show you spots that you can write more on.

My review key:
Grammar/Spelling mistakes
(Suggestions)
Should be deleted
Require Capitalization

Quote:
When you are like me, which I doubt you are not,
"Not" is not needed. It changes the whole meaning of the sentence when you use this adverb, and basically tells the reader that they are the character.

Quote:
I want to prove that my destiny can become a positive one.
I would consider revising this, since someone's destiny is unchangable. Maybe you should say that he wants to prove that his life can become positive, or better yet, get rid of the word positive and say that he wants to prove that his life is in his control.

Quote:
"Meta! Pinsir! Here I come!”
You forgot the quotation mark there.

Quote:
rapidly climbing the seemingly endless trees with an ease most kids my age would find uncanny and, frankly, impossible.
Give the reader a short pause with commas. It emphasizes your point and makes it seem all the more impossible.

Quote:
My hands and feet effortlessly climb to the top of a tree with a diameter so (wide that) no man alive could wrap their arms around even half of the base.
I believe large was a poor choice of diction. Wide serves your purpose better. The semicolon was also incorrectly used. You should have turned the latter half into a subordinate clause.

Quote:
At the Near (the) top of this tree is where (my family and I) call home.
The sentence is awkward if you choose to use At the at the beginning of the sentence. Also, never place the word I before the conjunction when linking yourself and another group of people.

Quote:
but my true family has long since been dead ever since that night (long ago).
Structure it a bit differently. Long since shouldn't have been used where you used it either.

The second paragraph was written well, but with more detail you could have expanded it into several paragraphs. A way to expand it is to use a flashback or a series of flashbacks. You could definitely get some length that way.

Quote:
The only thing that still remains an unwavering (from my) memory from (that) tragic night is the large “R” on the jackets of (the men).
Pretty awkward. A little revision would be useful.

Quote:
It was crimson red, lined with a thin silver thread; a truly unforgettable insignia.
A semicolon is more appropriate here.
__________________
I am returning once again (hopefully for good). I will be updating Affliction regularly and reviewing other people's fics every so often. If you would like to request a review, then please send me a PM.

My FFC entry for April 2008: My Endless Loneliness
My Discontinued, Chaptered FanFiction: The Fall of Light
My current chaptered FanFiction: Affliction
My Parody of Pure Awesomeness (requires some context to fully appreciate): Sir. Aaron - A Parody
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