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  #1    
Old April 30th, 2008, 03:12 PM
DragonairKing2000's Avatar
DragonairKing2000
Dragonair King
 
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In the deep depths of Hoenn
Age: 29
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Alright, since everybody didn't like my last story what I wrote, I decided to write a new story about a little girl who starts to learn about poke'mon so here is the first chapter.

Chapter 1: The New Girl In Town
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Alright, it was a great day in Pallet Town and a truck was coming down the road. When the truck stopped, a girl came out and she opened the door where her things were. She got them out and she put them in her new house. Her mom was so excited because her daughter was going to go to school and finally learn about poke'mon.

"Hi welcome to Poke'Academy." said the teacher. "Hi." said the little girl. "What's your name?" asked the teacher. "My name is Crystal." said the little girl. "Welcome to my class room, I'm your teacher Mrs. Anderson and I will teach you about poke'mon." said the teacher.

Crystal was so excited to learn about poke'mon so she brought out her notebook and pencil so quickley that everybody else in the classroom laughed.

"Today where going to bug poke'mon, can anybody tell me what a bug poke'mon is?" asked Mrs. Anderson. "Bug type poke'mon are generally anthropod-like poke'mon." said Crystal. "That's right, can anybody tell me very first bug poke'mon every created?" asked Mrs. Anderson. "Is it the poke'mon with a needle on it's head?" asked a boy back of the classroom. "Mrs. Anderson, I know the answer." said Crystal. "Okay, shoot." said Mrs. Anderson. "The very first poke'mon that been ever created and is in the poke'mon encyclopedia is Caterpie, which evolved into Metapod and then into Butterfree." said Crystal. "That is very correct." said Mrs. Anderson.

When Crystal came home from school.

"What did you learn from school today?" asked her mom. "I learned about bug poke'mon." said Crystal. "You first can do you homework and I have a present for you." said her mom. Crystal hurried up to get her homework done but her mom also said that she has to set the table ready for dinner.

When dinner was ready, Crystal walked over to her mom and asked if she can see her present. "No not yet, remember that you have to set the table first." said her mom. Later that night, Crystal asked if she can see her present yet and when her mom walked away she was confused.

When her mom came back with poke'ball in her hand, Crystal screamed with excitment. "You got me a poke'mon?" asked Crystal. "Yes I did, but I'm not going to tell you what poke'mon it is though." said her mom. When Crystal grabbed the poke'ball, she opened the ball and it was a Squirtle.

"After we are done eating dinner, you can train it in the backyard okay?" asked her mom. "Yes mom." said Crystal. "Can we eat now?" she asked. "Yes we can but we have to pray first." said her mom.

When dinner ended, Crystal grabbed her poke'ball and went to the backyard to train Squirtle. When Crystal was outside, her mom also came out and handed her poke'mon encyclopedia to see what poke'mon moves it learns.

"Okay since it's at level five, the next move it learn is bubble which is at level seven." said Crystal. "Go Squirtle." she said. "Mom, it's not fun if I train my Squirtle by myself, can dad help me?" she asked. "Alright, I'll send dad down to help you." said her mom.

When Crystal's dad came down, he brought out his Charmander. "Dad, that's going to be easy." Crystal said. "Yes I know it is, but not yet because your Squirtle didn't learn bubble yet." said her dad. "Alright so are you ready?" he asked.

Crystals dad brought out his Charmander and he waited until his daugther could attack. "Okay, Squirtle tackle now." said Crystal. When her Squirtle attacked Charmander, her dad was excited.

"Alright Charmander, scratch." said her dad. Charmander used scratch and Squirtle got hurt. "Are you okay Squirtle?" asked Crystal. Squirtle nodded its head and Crystal made Squirtle attack again. "Squirtle tackle."

Charmander got hard and when Crystals dad saw that Charmanders flame was going down, he thought that her Squirtle was going to win so he made Charmander use growl. "Charmander growl now."

"Dad that's weak, why didn't you attack?" asked Crystal. "Just wait, attack me." her dad said. "Squirtle attack with tackle." she said. Squirtle ran and tried to hit Charmander Charmander but Squirtle missed.

"What happend?" asked Crystal. "What happend is that I made Charmander use growl to lower your Squirtles attack and I didn't know that your Squirtle was going to miss." her dad said.

"Okay you two, it's time for bed." said Crystals mom. "Oh mom, can we battle a little longer?" Crystal asked. "No not today because it's a school night, how about tomorrow morning when you have time for you have to walk to school?" asked her mom. "Okay, I'll train Squirtle tomorrow." said Crystal.

"Oh wait Crystal." said Crystals dad. "What dad?" asked Crystal. "I got to tell you this, that your Squirtle just learned bubble, look at it." said her dad. When Crystal looked at Squirtle, it was blowing bubbles all over the place. "Here you go, get back inside the poke'ball." said Crystal.

When Crystal walked upstairs to her room, she put down her poke'ball on the counter and she went to sleep until her next exciting day.
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  #2    
Old April 30th, 2008, 06:09 PM
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well, second verse same as the first....

<you should never start any kind of creative writing with "Alright".>

Alright, it was a great day in Pallet Town and a truck was coming down the road. When the truck stopped, a girl came out and she opened the door where her things were. She got them out and she put them in her new house. Her mom was so excited because her daughter was going to go to school and finally learn about poke'mon.<just one idea from another huh? you need to develop your ides more. youre too rushed.>

"Hi welcome to Poke'Academy." said the teacher.

"Hi." said the little girl.

"What's your name?" asked the teacher.

"My name is Crystal." said the little girl.

"Welcome to my class room, I'm your teacher Mrs. Anderson and I will teach you about poke'mon." said the teacher.

<wrong way to do dialog. you need to have each line of dialog with its own line in the paragraph. like that.>

Crystal was so excited to learn about poke'mon so she brought out her notebook and pencil so quickley that everybody else in the classroom laughed.<try to elaborate why everyone laughed. like did she drop her pencil or what?>

"Today where going to bug poke'mon, can anybody tell me what a bug poke'mon is?" asked Mrs. Anderson.

"Bug type poke'mon are generally anthropod-like poke'mon." said Crystal.

"That's right, can anybody tell me very first bug poke'mon every created?" asked Mrs. Anderson. <try this: "Can anybody tell me which species of bug pokemon came into existence first?" or something like that>

"Is it the poke'mon with a needle on it's head?" asked a boy back of the classroom.

"Mrs. Anderson, I know the answer." said Crystal.

"Okay, shoot." said Mrs. Anderson.

"The very first poke'mon that been ever created and is in the poke'mon encyclopedia is Caterpie, which evolved into Metapod and then into Butterfree." said Crystal.

"That is very correct." said Mrs. Anderson.<are there certain levels of correctness in poke'academy?>

ugghh.... thats all im willing to do. im sure someone will pick up where i left off. still needs much work. less work than the last story, but still ALOT of work
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  #3    
Old April 30th, 2008, 06:31 PM
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DragonairKing2000
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Hey, I'm just a beginner at writing stories, my brother is teaching me, but he's banned on here for awhile so I got to be on my own for awhile untile he comes back on.
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  #4    
Old April 30th, 2008, 06:33 PM
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My common sense is tingling!
 
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its getting better, but you need to take more time to develop your ideas and dont listen to your brother, hes not any better. try to go off on your own and develop your own sense of style while writing. i see some potential, but you need to stop posting rushed chapters that just hurt my head. TAKE YOUR TIME!
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  #5    
Old April 30th, 2008, 06:51 PM
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DragonairKing2000
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Alright, I'll take my time, my brother always thinks he's all that because he "KNOWS" how to write a poke'mon story but he hasn't been his best a couple days because this is his first time with a poke'mon forum.
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  #6    
Old April 30th, 2008, 06:53 PM
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It's not that I didn't like the last fiction you wrote, it's that you rushed it too much and didn't show any separation between ideas. This one suffers from the first problem, but I am happy to see that you have fixed problem number two. I would do a full review on this right now, but it is getting late and I need to be going to bed soon.

If you want help learning to write better, there are many writers here that are much more qualified than Adrian is. Many of these writers would most likely be willing to help you out by beta reading posts and telling you what you need to do to make it more coherent. If no one else is willing to help, just ask me. I am always willing, and usually happy, to help out someone who is having trouble with a particular aspect of the English language. Now I may not be the best writer/reviewer in the world, but I have a pretty good idea of what I'm talking about. College level English classes will do that to you.

If I have time after my track meet tomorrow, then I will try to review this fiction tomorrow evening. If not, then the review will probably be up on Friday night. Just PM me if you want help with anything before I review.
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My FFC entry for April 2008: My Endless Loneliness
My Discontinued, Chaptered FanFiction: The Fall of Light
My current chaptered FanFiction: Affliction
My Parody of Pure Awesomeness (requires some context to fully appreciate): Sir. Aaron - A Parody
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  #7    
Old May 1st, 2008, 01:36 PM
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DragonairKing2000
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Join Date: Apr 2008
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Chapter 2: Her First Pokemon Catch
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The next morning came and Crystal quickly got out of bed and took a shower. When Crystal came out, her mom was standing in front of her.

"Why are you such in a rush?" asked Crystals mom.
"Well I wanted to train Squirtle a little bit more so it can become strong like dads other poke'mon." Crystal said.
"Well okay, you got thirty minutes and you got to head towards the school." said Crystals mom.

Crystal grabbed her poke'ball and took out Squirtle for more training.

"Go Squirte. Use bubble." Squirtle used bubble and alot of bubbles came out of Squirtle's mouth. Behind Crystal was her dad watching her while she trains her Squirtle.

"Good job there Crystal, let's have a quick poke'mon battle before you go." said her dad while he walks towards her.
"Okay, what poke'mon are you going to bring with you this time?" Crystal asked.
"Well it's a Bulbasaur, I think it's time to go a little more higher than last night." said her dad.

Crystals dad brought out Bulbasaur. "Bulbasaur use leech seed on Squirtle." Bulbasaur suddenly sprung out seeds and it landed below Squirtles feet.
"What's that?" asked Crystal.
"I used leech seed so your Squirtles health will decrease everytime you attack." said her dad.
"Okay, so I can't attack then?" Crystal asked.
"No, you can attack me but you got to be quick on your attacks." said Crystals dad.
"Okay, then Squirtle use tackle."

Squirtle tackled Bulbasaur and then when Bulbasaur got hit, Squirtle got weaker.

"Hey what happend to Squirtle?" asked Crystal.
"That's what leech seed does, it sucks some of Squirtle health." said her dad.
"Okay cool, I got it now, so we can keep on battling." said Crystal.

Crystal and her dad kept on battling and when her mom came out, it was time for Crystal to head towards her school.

"Can dad drive me to school?" asked Crystal.
"Yes he can but later on after school he's going to send you for a hike." said her mom.

Crystal jumped into her dads truck and he drove her to school.

"What's the surprise?" asked Crystal.
"You got to wait until school is over." said Crystals dad.
"Okay then, I'll wait." said Crystal.

When Crystals dad arrived at the school doors, he opened the door for Crystal.

"Hey Crystal, where just getting ready to have a poke'mon trip." said Mrs. Anderson.
"Cool." said Crystal.

Mrs. Anderson knew that her class even Crystal was ready to catch there first poke'mon so all of her students grabbed their bags and headed towards the grassy areas.

"Okay here we are, route one, the very first poke'mon area if a real poke'mon trainer goes in after getting their first poke'mon." said Mrs. Anderson.
"I know what poke'mon they are in this route." said Crystal.
"Okay, what poke'mon are there in this grass then?" asked Mrs. Anderson.
"They are Pidgey and Rattata, the rat poke'mon and the bird poke'mon." said Crystal.

Mrs. Anderson heard a noise nearby.

"Do you hear that?" asked Mrs. Anderson to the whole class.
"Yes, it's a Pidgey." said Crystal.
"Your right, it is a Pidgey." said Mrs. Anderson, "do you want to catch it?"
"Okay sure." Crystal said.

Mrs. Anderson gave Crystal a poke'ball and Crystal got ready for the Pidgey to come closer.

"Okay, here it comes." said Crystal. Crystal threw the poke'ball at Pidgey. Pidgey went inside the ball and it landed on the ground. There was a red glow in the middle of the poke'ball so Crystal asked what it was.

"Mrs. Anderson, what is that red glow in the middle?" she asked.
"The red glow in the middle is like the catching meter, if it keeps on glowing red and then goes back to grey, the poke'mon was caught. If the red glow stops and then the poke'ball opens, the poke'mon was unable to get caught." said Mrs. Anderson.

When Crystal looked at the poke'ball, the red glow stopped and it went back to grey.

"It's caught, it's caught." said Crystal with a great exciting voice.
"Alright, the rest of the class has to catch one poke'mon before we go back to the school." said Mrs. Anderson.
"My dads here early so can I leave early?" asked Crystal.
"Yes you can, but he has to come talk to me first."

Crystal walked towards her dad and told him that he has to talk to her teacher so he walked towards her to talk.

"Hey I'm Crystals dad." said Crystals dad.
"Alright, well Crystal first caught a poke'mon and it was a Pidgey which will be great for her to fly around with, but she has to train it first." said Mrs. Anderson.
"Alright, I'll tell her, so can she come with me?" asked her dad.

Crystals teacher nodded her head and he went back to the truck. Crystals dad smiled at Crystal and Crystal smiled back.

"Okay, do want to go back to route one or in the Virdian Forest?" asked Crystals dad.
"I want to go to the forest, I don't want to catch a Rattata." said Crystal.

So Crystals dad started up the drove and he drove towards the entrance building where the forest starts. On the way to the forest, Crystal was so tired, she fell asleep.
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Last edited by DragonairKing2000; May 2nd, 2008 at 06:54 PM.
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Old May 2nd, 2008, 01:06 AM
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Ah ks... I'm gunna try and check over it...

Quote:
Originally Posted by DragonairKing2000 View Post
Chapter 2: Her First Poke'mon Catch
Can you not put an apostrophe?
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The next morning came and Crystal quickley got out of bed and took a shower. When Crystal came out, her mom was standing in front of her.
Check spelling :D

"Why are you such in a rush?" asked Crystal's mom.
"Well I wanted to train Squirtle a little bit more so it can become strong like dad's other poke'mon." Crystal said.
"Well okay, you got thirty minutes and you got to head towards the school." said Crystals mom.
Apostrophes for possession.
Eg.
Dad's car is old. (possession)
That's a great name! (err....cutting off...cant remember name)
Cows are cool. (none)

Crystal grabbed her poke'ball and took out Squirtle for more training.

"Go Squirte. Use bubble." Squirtle used bubble and a lot of bubbles came out of Squirtle's mouth. Behind Crystal was her dad watching her while she trains her Squirtle.
"Good job there Crystal, let's have a quick poke'mon battle before you go." said her dad while he walks towards her.
Different tenses

"Okay, what poke'mon are you going to bring with you this time?" Crystal asked.
"Well it's a Bulbasaur, I think it's time to go a little more hhigher than last nigt." said her dad.
Sense much?

Crystals dad brought out Bulbasaur. "Bulbasaur use leech seed on Squirtle." Bulbasaur suddenly sprung out seeds and it landed below Squirtles feet.
"What's that?" asked Crystal.
"I used leech seed so your Squirtles health will decrease everytime you attack." said her dad.
"Okay, so I can't attack then?" Crystal asked.
"No, you can attack me but you got to be quick on your attacks." said Crystals dad.
"Okay, then Squirtle use tackle."

Squirtle tackled Bulbasaur and then when Bulbasaur got hit, Squirtle got weaker.

"Hey what happend to Squirtle?" asked Crystal.
"That's what leech seed does, it sucks some of Squirtle health." said her dad.
"Okay cool, I got it now, so we can keep on battling." said Crystal.

Crystal and her dad kept on battling and when her mom came out, it was time for Crystal to head towards her school.

"Can dad drive me to school?" asked Crystal.
"Yes he can but later on after school he's going to send you for a hike." said her mom.

Crystal jumped into her dads truck and he drove her to school.

"What's the surprise?" asked Crystal. What surprise?
"You got to wait until school is over." said Crystals dad.
"Okay then, I'll wait." said Crystal.

When Crystals dad arrived at the school doors, he opened the door for Crystal.

"Hey Crystal, where just getting ready to have a poke'mon trip." said Mrs. Anderson.
"Cool!" said Crystal.

Mrs. Anderson knew that her class even Crystal was ready to catch there first poke'mon so all of her students grabbed their bags and headed towards the grassy areas.

"Okay here we are, route one, the very first poke'mon area if a real poke'mon trainer goes in after getting their first poke'mon." said Mrs. Anderson.
"I know what poke'mon they are in this route." said Crystal.
"Okay, what poke'mon are there in this grass then?" asked Mrs. Anderson.
"They are Pidgey and Rattata, the rat poke'mon and the bird poke'mon." said Crystal.

Mrs. Anderson heard a noise nearby.

"Do you hear that?" asked Mrs. Anderson to the whole class.
"Yes, it's a Pidgey." said Crystal.
"Your right, it is a Pidgey." said Mrs. Anderson, "do you want to catch it?"
"Okay sure." Crystal said.

Mrs. Anderson gave Crystal a poke'ball and Crystal got ready for the Pidgey to come closer.

"Okay, here it comes." said Crystal. Crystal threw the poke'ball at Pidgey. Pidgey went inside the ball and it landed on the ground. There was a red glow in the middle of the poke'ball so Crystal asked what it was.

"Mrs. Anderson, what is that red glow in the middle?" she asked.
"The red glow in the middle is like the catching meter, if it keeps on glowing red and then goes back to grey, the poke'mon was caught. If the red glow stops and then the poke'ball opens, the poke'mon was unable to get caught." said Mrs. Anderson.

When Crystal looked at the poke'ball, the red glow stopped and it went back to grey.

"It's caught, it's caught." said Crystal with a great exciting voice.
"Alright, the rest of the class has to catch one poke'mon before we go back to the school." said Mrs. Anderson.
"My dads here early so can I leave early?" asked Crystal.
"Yes you can, but he has to come talk to me first."

Crystal walked towards her dad and told him that he has to talk to her teacher so he walked towards her to talk.

"Hey I'm Crystals dad." said Crystals dad.
"Alright, well Crystal first caught a poke'mon and it was a Pidgey which will be great for her to fly around with, but she has to train it first." said Mrs. Anderson.
Wow... Long sentences galore... Some of them sound a bit rush-spoken...
"Alright, I'll tell her, so can she come with me?" asked her dad.

Crystals teacher nodded her head and he went back to the truck. Crystals dad smiled at Crystal and Crystal smiled back.

"Okay, do want to go back to route one or in the Virdian Forest?" asked Crystals dad.
"I want to go to the forest, I don't want to catch a Rattata." said Crystal.

So Crystals dad started up the drove and he drove towards the entrance building where the forest starts. On the way to the forest, Crystal was so tired of being excited that she fell asleep.
So tired of being excited? that reads to mean she was bored of being excited.
Maybe change it to was tired because of being tired or something
Well, you've come really far from your alex story.
Try to make the speaking more like speaking is my only critisicm... Ah that made no sense...
Well, let me elaborate.
Try to actually pretend you say what they're supposed to say and just make it sound realistic..
Add expresions etc...
Still, you've come really far from your alex story.
Let me remind you.
You've come really far from your alex story.
Just think of it as helpful improvements :D

Look. Don't get sad because people have lots to critisice.
It's part of a fanfic writer's job.
Remember WHY you're writing it.
For the fun of it. Fame is just part of the spoils.
If you do it for the popularity and pimps...well... that's retarded...
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Last edited by Ninja Caterpie; May 2nd, 2008 at 01:43 AM.
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  #9    
Old May 2nd, 2008, 04:14 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by DragonairKing2000 View Post
Hey, I'm just a beginner at writing stories, my brother is teaching me, but he's banned on here for awhile so I got to be on my own for awhile untile he comes back on.
Your telling me that even in grade school you didn't get a prompt that said, "Write a story," ?
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Old May 2nd, 2008, 04:19 AM
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DragonairKing2000
Dragonair King
 
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Dark Lakitu: lol I over read it when you correct it and I had alot of mis-spelling but today later on I'll edit chapter one and chapter two so it can look better.
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Old May 2nd, 2008, 05:04 PM
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Good on ya!
That's the spirit... Don't go emo...:D
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Old May 2nd, 2008, 07:20 PM
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Okay, I have finally found time to review chapter one. I will get to chapter two in a later post, so just examine this and work with it.

Quote:
Chapter 1: The New Girl In Town
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Alright, (You shouldn't start a fiction with "alright") it was a great day in Pallet Town and a truck was coming down the road. When the truck stopped, a girl came out and she opened the door where her things were. She got them out and she put them in her new house. Her mom was so excited because her daughter was going to go to school and finally learn about poke'mon. (Pokemon should be capitalized and the apostrophe shouldn't be there. You also have a habit of linking sentences together when they don't fit. Break it up a bit and add more detail instead of rushing through it.)

"Hi, welcome to Poke'Academy," (comma instead of period. Poke Academy should be two words if you want to capitalize the "a" in academy. It is only one word when written as "Pokeacademy") said the teacher.

"Hi," (same comma error) said the little girl. (Create a new paragraph whenever someone new speaks)

"What's your name?" asked the teacher. (See above.)

"My name is Crystal," (comma) said the little girl. (See above.)

"Welcome to my classroom, I'm your teacher, Mrs. Anderson, and I will teach you about Pokemon," (Pokemon should be written like that, comma) said the teacher.

Crystal was so excited to learn about poke'mon that she brought out her notebook and pencil so quickly that everybody else in the classroom laughed.

"Today we're (you totally butchered that spelling) going to (see some) bug Pokemon. Can anybody tell me what a bug Pokemon is?" asked Mrs. Anderson.

"Bug type Pokemon are generally anthropod-like Pokemon," said Crystal. (Anthropod isn't even a word.)

"That's right, can anybody tell me very first bug Pokemon ever created?" asked Mrs. Anderson. (How would they know what the first bug Pokemon ever was? And Pokemon wouldn't have been "created", they would have developed the same way Humans did.)

"Is it the Pokemon with a needle on its head?" asked a boy back of the classroom. (Wrong "its". It read "Is it the Pokemon with a needle on it is head?")

"Mrs. Anderson, I know the answer," said Crystal. (Why wouldn't she just blurt out the answer like the boy did?)

"Okay, shoot," said Mrs. Anderson. (Strange word for a teacher to use. In this day and age, when a teacher says shoot, the National Guard is called and the teacher is charged with terrorism or something of the like.)

"The very first Pokemon that (was) ever created and is in the Pokemon encyclopedia is Caterpie, which evolves into Metapod and then into Butterfree," said Crystal.

"That is very correct," said Mrs. Anderson. (Should have used more detail for this entire passage. I'll let it slide for now though...)

When Crystal came home from school. (What? Made absolutely no sense. You also should have separated this part from the school section with an identifying mark, like an asterik or dashed lines.)

"What did you learn (at) school today?" asked her mom. (Describe body language/mannerisms to give the reader a vivid image of what the person is doing.)

"I learned about bug Pokemon," said Crystal. (Body language would be useful here too. Also, describe how she said this. Adverbs like casually or quickly are examples.)

"You first can do you homework and I have a present for you," said her mom. (Fix that quotation. A mother would most likely say something like "If you finish your homework then I will give you a present" or something.) Crystal hurried up to get her homework done, but her mom also said that she (had) to set the table ready(Unneeded word) for dinner.

When dinner was ready, Crystal walked over to her mom and asked if she (could) see her present. "No not yet. Remember that you have to set the table first," said her mom. Later that night, Crystal asked if she (could) see her present yet and when her mom walked away, she was confused. (Awkward sentence. Play with it a little until it sounds right.)

When her mom came back with Pokeball in her hand, Crystal screamed with excitement. "You got me a Pokemon?" asked Crystal.

"Yes, I did, but I'm not going to tell you what Pokemon it is," said her mom. When Crystal grabbed the Pokemon, she opened the ball and (saw that) it was a Squirtle. (Thank God it's not a Blastoise or something else rare/superpowerful for a beginning trainer...)

"After we are done eating dinner, you can train it in the backyard, okay?" asked her mom.

"Yes mom," said Crystal. "Can we eat now?" she asked.

"Yes we can, but we have to pray first," said her mom.

When dinner ended, Crystal grabbed her Pokeball and went to the backyard to train (her) Squirtle. When Crystal was outside, her mom also came out and handed her Pokemon encyclopedia to see what (attacks) it learned.

"Okay, since it's at level five, the next move it learn is bubble which is at level seven," said Crystal. (How would they know what level the Pokemon are at? There would be no realistic way to determine this if they existed in real life.) "Go Squirtle," she said. "Mom, it's not fun if I train my Squirtle by myself. Can dad help me?" she asked.

"Alright, I'll send dad down to help you," said her mom.

When Crystal's dad came down, he brought out his Charmander. "Dad, that's going to be easy." Crystal said.

"Yes I know it is, but not yet because your Squirtle (hasn't) learned Bubble yet," said her dad. "Alright, so are you ready?" he asked.

Crystal's dad brought out his Charmander and he waited until his daugther could attack. "Okay, Squirtle, Tackle now!" said Crystal. When her Squirtle attacked Charmander, her dad was excited.

"Alright Charmander, Scratch," said her dad. Charmander used scratch and Squirtle got hurt.

"Are you okay Squirtle?" asked Crystal. Squirtle nodded its head and Crystal made Squirtle attack again. "Squirtle, Tackle."

Charmander got (hit) hard and when Crystal's dad saw that Charmander's flame was going down, he thought that her Squirtle was going to win so he made Charmander use growl. "Charmander, growl now."

"Dad, that's weak, why didn't you attack?" asked Crystal.

"Just wait, attack me," her dad said.

"Squirtle attack with tackle." she said. Squirtle ran and tried to hit Charmander, but Squirtle missed.

"What happend?" asked Crystal.

"What happend is that I made Charmander use growl to lower your Squirtle's attack and I didn't know that your Squirtle was going to miss," her dad said.

"Okay you two, it's time for bed," said Crystals mom. (Okay, pretty abrupt. Also, why does her dad seem to have a bedtime? Adults generally don't have set bedtimes unless they still live with their parents, which Crystal's dad doesn't seem to be doing.)

"Oh mom, can we battle a little longer?" Crystal asked.

"No not (tonight) because it's a school night, how about tomorrow morning when you have time before you have to walk to school?" asked her mom.

"Okay, I'll train Squirtle tomorrow," said Crystal.

"Oh wait Crystal," said Crystals dad.

"What dad?" asked Crystal.

"I (have) to tell you this, that your Squirtle just learned bubble. Look at it," said her dad. When Crystal looked at Squirtle, it was blowing bubbles all over the place. (Why would it just suddenly start blowing bubbles? Doesn't seem that realistic to me. Also, how would it gain two levels in a short battle against a Charmander. In the games, you only get one level for defeating your rival's Pokemon. Two just seems improbable.)

"Here you go, get back inside the Pokeball," said Crystal.

When Crystal walked upstairs to her room, she put down her Pokeball on the counter and she went to sleep until her next exciting day. (You could describe this so much better.)
I do have to admit, it's quite an improvement from your original story. You still have a long way to go, though, and you won't just become a great writer overnight. Getting better takes a lot of time, which turns most people away from writing for enjoyment. Just develop your writing, take the advice of reviewers, and do some work on the side to build up your writing.
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Old May 2nd, 2008, 11:45 PM
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Ninja Caterpie
Sitting by the back window
 
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Best City OCE
Age: 18
Gender: Male
Nature: Bold
Uhm I got ONE little problem from your corrections Jeffback. The thing about Squirtle learning Bubble. I bet you DragonairKing2000 meant it like the anime. No levels. Learn moves randomly.
Seriously! In D/P Piplup KNOWS Bubblebeam AT THE START!
So that isn't really a problem...
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