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  #1    
Old May 6th, 2008 (10:48 AM). Edited May 6th, 2008 by Lordpenguin.
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Lordpenguin Lordpenguin is offline
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Hello guys. This is my second Pokémon fanfic, and although I only posted the beginning of my first, a while ago, it is now pretty long. So I figured I'd take a break, as the other one is quite long (a bit epic), and write a little, more cheery fanfic. This is only going to be a short story, and while it is more mainstream than my previous one, it isn't a Pokémon Journey, which I might've think put some people off it.

Anyway, here we go with the first section. It's pretty short, sort of starts the story off gently, and introduces the main character, but the plot doesn't really begin yet. More to come soon.

The Flux Syndicate

Flowers waved as the stiff breeze came in off the sparkling ocean that Leon could see to his left and his right. The meadow he was walking through was exposed, but like the rest of the island, Pokémon flourished here with abundance. Tall, with misty eyes and shaggy brown hair, Leon had been a Pokémon trainer for three years, since his sixteenth birthday when his mother had given him a Pokéball that contained his first Pokémon, a feisty Gulpin which he trained and used for a long time. Now though, a different Pokémon stood at his side. Which was lucky, because at that precise moment, out the of tall meadow ran a Chikorita, apparently fleeing from a flock of cawing Murkrow that flew overhead. Bumping into Leon’s leg, it retreated a few steps, shook its head, and growled menacingly.

“Sentret, go!” Chikorita were common enough in the meadows on this spur of the island, west of Metrolopolis city, and Leon felt no fear in using it to train his Sentret, which he knew was very close to evolving. The brown furry Sentret dropped to all fours and rushed forwards. The Chikorita met its charge head on, and both Pokémon tumbled to a heap on the floor. “Get up, Sentret!” called out Leon, as the Chikorita was fast to pick itself up. “Flamethrower!” The Chikorita was swinging its head-lead around, preparing a Razor Leaf attack, Leon surmised. Whatever it was doing, it was toast; Leon’s Sentret stood up, drew in its breath, and out speared a javelin of flame that roasted the poor Grass-type and it fainted right there on the spot. Leon punched the air in celebration; another easy KO enabled by his purchase of the Flamethrower Technical Machine last month in the Metrolopolis department store, Annabelle’s.

Standing stark upright on the meadow path that they were using, the Sentret began to glow and sparkle, until its shape and brown hue became all but indistinguishable. “Excellent!” thought Leon; he knew that the time was near. Sitting down on the fence, he waited for Sentret to evolve. After a couple of minutes, the glow subsided and there stood a Furret, its eyes bright in its white face and its banded tail swishing in the wind. It bounded over to Leon as he jumped down from the fence, and rubbed itself against his leg, either growling or purring, he couldn’t decide. “Time to get back in your Pokéball, Furret. Still remember it?” He showed Furret the blue and red ball, before returning his newly-evolved Pokémon to it.
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  #2    
Old May 6th, 2008 (11:14 AM).
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Acrutheo Acrutheo is offline
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Catchy title.

It was quite good, though, as you mentioned, far too short. I don't really have much to comment on because of this, except that you could have shown Leon's emotions through body language. For example, you could add that he "leaned forward in anticipation" while sitting on the fence.

Quote originally posted by Lordpenguin:
Flowers waved as the stiff breeze came in off the sparkling ocean Leon could see to his left and his right.
There needs to be a period between these words.

Quote originally posted by Lordpenguin:
“Excellent!” though Leon;
"though" should be "thought".
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  #3    
Old May 6th, 2008 (12:59 PM). Edited May 8th, 2008 by Lordpenguin.
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Lordpenguin Lordpenguin is offline
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Cool, thanks for the review, and for picking up on my spelling mistakes, I've corrected them in the first post. Thanks also for the advice on writing style; I'll try to include more body language in my writing, it's a useful tool.

Here's the next section, introducing a the island a bit more and another main character. This isn't a romance fanfic (I wouldn't want to do that given the NC-17 restriction), but I just want to add a bit of depth, give me more room to play with. Still no plot, but coming soon, promise. The Flux Syndicate will be revealed eventually!

The island of Paratina is a peculiar one. Most of the islands in the sea south of Kanto and Johto are part of island chains or archipelagos, but Paratina is all on its own, situated directly between Olivine City and the region of Hoenn. Home to a surprising variety of Pokémon for its size, it is relatively unknown on the main continents, not having particular eminence for any reason. Several professional Pokémon trainers in the national league do call it their home however, and the main town, Metrolopolis, has increased to a bustling city in recent years. The island is shaped like a crescent, approximately, curving around a large bay where the water turns a beautiful light shade of cyan. Metrolopolis is situated roughly in the middle, on the inside of the crescent at its widest part, with the island’s sole mountain behind.

“I wouldn’t exactly call it a mountain” said Leon, to no-one in particular, as it came into view. “More like a big hill.” He wistfully squinted at the nameless mound, thinking about the stories he had heard of tall mountains in far-off lands, with mystical names like Mt. Coronet, Mt. Chimney. This lump didn’t even have snow on the top, and was easily scalable in a day.

Stopping at a junction, where the meadow path he was taking joined a larger road, Leon realised he had no idea where he wanted to go. He left home that morning with the intention of training his Sentret, but having done a couple of hours, he felt a rest was justified. So what was it to be then? The road curved back up to the right, eventually leading back to the small collection of houses which included his own (the island of Paratina had one big city, but no other settlement large enough to call itself a village, just small hamlets of houses spread across the crescent isle). Stepping down onto the road, Leon looked the other way down it, slightly to the left, and could see the high-rise ‘scrapers of Metrolopolis. He crossed the road and leant on the fence on the other side, closing his eyes for a moment. He would wait for a passing car, he decided, and hitch a lift to town. Exhaling gently, he leant back smiling, and let the sun warm him.

~

Meanwhile, on the other side of the island, Daphne was crouching low in the bushes on the side of the murky lake. The reeds opposite her rustled. Forcing herself to breath slowly and lightly, she waited. With a sharp thunder-crack, it began to rain. The drops formed ripples in the water, and the mud she was squatting on grew soft and squelchy. “So much for choosing the one dry spot in this damp swamp”, she thought to herself, but then, the reeds parted and out bobbed a bright green lily leaf. Floating across the lake, its wide brim collecting water, it seemed out of place with the dull grey-green of the rushes and willows that dotted the area. As it reached the centre, Daphne realised now was the time to act.

“Voltorb, go!” Standing up straight and proud, her feet set wide apart (and sinking into the swamp), she threw the Pokéball she was holding. Midair, it cracked open, releasing the electric ball. “Charge yourself up!” she called, and glowing with energy, the Voltorb fell into the pond. For a moment, the surface of the water glowed with the same energy and several Magikarp floated to the surface. These were not Daphne’s goal, though; she looked for the lily leaf, but it had disappeared. She waited for Voltorb to show itself, which, after a few seconds, it did, rolling up the bank, pushing its sodden Pokéball (which had fallen into the lake also).

Daphne’s sharp eyes were scanning the edges of the pond as she patted Voltorb on its head. Suddenly she noticed the leaf, attached to the head of a dazed-looking blue Pokémon crawling up the bank on the far-left hand side. Picking up Voltorb, she pocketed the Pokéball and sprinted round, her eyes shining, eager. Unfortunately, the roots of a willow tree caught her foot before she was halfway around, and she tripped, Voltorb flying forwards and rolling to a stop. It buzzed, and Daphne picked herself up, shaking her head to clear it. “Come on Voltorb, it must be nearby still” she said, walking now at a sensible pace. Surely enough, she spotted the squat Pokémon underneath a nearby bush. Voltorb buzzed, and she commanded it: “Voltorb, tackle attack!”. Rolling over to the cowering Pokémon, still weak from the electric ball’s shocking swim, it bashed into it and rebounded off.

“That should be enough! Thanks, Voltorb!” Daphne picked a fresh Pokéball not covered in slime and threw it at the unknown Pokémon. It hit it, cracked open, and zapped the Pokémon inside, falling to the floor. It wobbled once, twice, and a third time, with enough force that it dislodged from the roots of the bush and rolled down a slope to Daphne’s feet, where it stood still. “Fantabulous!” cried out Daphne, then felt immediately embarrassed, as there was absolutely no-one in sight. Picking it up, she scanned it with her Pokédex.

“Lotad, the Water Weed Pokémon. It looks like an aquatic plant and serves as a ferry to Pokémon that can't swim.” The mechanical voice read out Lotad’s information in its dry tone. Daphne learnt that it was a Water and Grass type, a useful combination that made it very resistant to other water-based attacks.

“Go Lotad!” thought Daphne. No wonder it was living so successfully in this watery swamp. Returning Voltorb to its soggy Pokéball, and putting both back in her backpack, she headed of home to Metrolopolis City.
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  #4    
Old May 6th, 2008 (04:27 PM).
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OMG! This chapter is amazingly! A little short, but good! Maybe you could add a bit more, uh, I don't know, details! Lata!
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  #5    
Old May 7th, 2008 (03:38 PM). Edited May 8th, 2008 by Lordpenguin.
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OK just a tiny mini-update today, I only had about half and hour to write, so this is more of a bump than a new section!

Leon’s head was drooping as he fell into the beginnings of sleep, when he was woken by the soft touch of the same raindrops that fell on Daphne as she trudged home along the eastern arm of the island. Pretty soon the pitter-patter of raindrops became a full-blown storm, and so Leon took shelter underneath a nearby ash tree.

“Do you need a lift, son?” he heard echoing out of the falling rain, and he realised that a car had pulled up, its quiet engine muted by the sound of the wind in the tree. Dashing over, he graciously accepted the offer, which was from Mr. Yamagata, a wrinkled old man who lived in a tiny shack right up on west point.

“Are you headed to town, sir?” Leon asked.

“Why of course, my boy. Hop in!” The car wasn’t much, just a rusty white model about 10 years too old (the isolation of the island meant very few people had brand-new cars), but it kept the rain off, and old Mr. Yamagata was an interesting conversation at any rate.

“Caught outside in a storm, what were you doing, Leon?” the old man asked, making conversation.

“Training, sir. My Sentret just evolved into a Furret.”

“Excellent! You must a trainer to reckon with, and I’d take you on myself if I wasn’t about fifty years out of date!”

“Mister Yamagata! You aren’t that out of touch; I know you train down on the beach every morning.”

“Aye, although my Pokémon are fitter than I am nowadays!”
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  #6    
Old May 8th, 2008 (01:24 AM). Edited May 9th, 2008 by Acrutheo.
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Comments on the second part:

Quote originally posted by Lordpenguin:
I wouldn’t exactly call it a mountain” said Leon, to no-one in particular, as it came into view. “More like a big hill.” He wistfully squinted at the nameless mound, thinking about the stories he had heard of tall mountains in far-off lands, with mystical names like Mt. Coronet, Mt. Chimney. This lump didn’t even have snow on the top, and was easily scalable in a day.
Nice change from prose to dialogue to continue description, but you could've taken this opportunity to develop Leon. For example, you could've mentioned him remembering a childhood memory about the mountain/hill that gives us a clue to his personality.

Quote originally posted by lordpenguin:
...let the sun warm him. / Meanwhile, on the other side of the island...
Between these sentences, it is commonly accepted that you should place an asterisk (or string of them). Or, just something that makes it immediately obvious that you're moving on to a different time/location.

You also need to give the reader more insight as to Daphne's appearance. You could do this by gradually introducing her features (but not too gradually), or provide a paragraph of description.

---

Comments on post three:

Quote originally posted by lordpenguin:
Pretty soon the pitter-patter of raindrops became a full-blown storm, and Leon took shelter underneath a nearby ash tree.
EDIT: Upon reflection, I think "and" is acceptable (in fact, my original advice of omitting it would have destroyed the sentence). Sorry for this.
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  #7    
Old May 8th, 2008 (04:00 AM).
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Lordpenguin Lordpenguin is offline
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Most of these changes are edited in, thanks Acrutheo. The reason that Daphne has not been 'described' yet is that the story is primarily told through the eyes of Leon (I know I need to make this clearer), and so I will have a fuller description when they meet.

Thanks for comments, all. I'm not posting an update right this minute because I'm not sure what direction to take the story in. It's a matter of which order I want the little blocks of story to go in, because I feel that maybe another block of just plot-less introduction might just be a little too much. So I might stick the first plot hook in next, and then do a bit more battling :D
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  #8    
Old May 8th, 2008 (11:53 AM).
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Hey man, I seen that you got some errors, but by ignoring the errors, you have a great plot going on.
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  #9    
Old May 9th, 2008 (01:26 AM).
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It would be handy if you pointed them out? Otherwise, why bother complaining about them?
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