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  #1    
Old May 21st, 2008, 05:23 AM
The Dominator 2000's Avatar
The Dominator 2000
The Dominator
 
Join Date: May 2008
Location: Minneapolis, MN, US
Age: 23
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Nature: Timid
The Kanto Prologue.

Welcome to the story of a 21 year old boy that traveled to all four regions and won all four pokemon leagues. When Damian was just a little kid, he was around 5, he was just a normal kid that drew and thought about pokemon.

When he was 10 years old, his father gave him his first pokemon and his pokemon trainer card to prove that he was pokemon training material. His first pokemon was a Squirtle which easily defeated Brock.

Before he was able to defeat Brock, he caught a Pikachu in the Viridian City Forest. When he was able to get to Cerulean City after going through the Mt. Moon, he was able to defeat Misty, which was hard to defeat for him.

Later on after defeating Misty, he traveled to Virmillion City. He didn't have a single ground type pokemon in his pokemon party so he went inside the Diglett's Cave to catch a Diglett.

He entered the Virmillion City gym and easily defeated Lt. Surge. He then traveled to Celadon City but before that he caught a wonderful and caring Growlithe on the way there.

When he was in Celadon City, he done a little bit shopping before he wanted to challenge Erika. After he was done shopping, he went to the gym and defeated Erika's grass team.

When he was outside Celadon City, he told himself that he had to go in Saffron City to defeat Sabrina. Before going to Saffron City, he went to Lavender Town to catch himself a scary Gastly.

He ran towards Saffron City as fast as he could and then when he arriving Saffron City, he entered the gym and defeated Sabrina. When he was outside of the gym, he saw another gym so he went inside and got himself a Hitmonchan.

When he was traveling down towards Fushia City, he decided to train his Gastly for it can become stronger for Koga. He then entered the Fushia City gym and battled Koga. Damian won by a long shot and then he went back to Pallet Town.

When he was back in Pallet Town, he talked to his mom and she said that he had to go to Cinnibar Island to challenge Blaine. Damian went to Cinnibar Island by riding on his Gyarados.

When he was on Cinnibar Island, the gym was locked so he had to find Blaine so he can challenge Blaine for the next badge. When Damian found Blaine, Blaine opened the door and they started the battle.

Blaine almost won and ruined Damian's dream but when Damian came back with a huge blow from his Gyarados, he won and earned his seventh badge. Blaine told Damian to go back to Viridian City so Damian used his Pidgeot to fly.

When he was back in Viridian City, the last gym was waiting for him inside the gym so Damian went inside to see Giovanni waiting. Giovanni and Damian had a magnificant battle but the outcome was Damian winning, but just barely.

Giovanni gave Damian the badge and Damian quickly ran towards the pokemon league. When he was inside the pokemon league, he had to challenge Lorelei which had ice type pokemon but wasn't enough for his Arcanine.

Later on, he had to challenge Bruno which had rock and ground type pokemon. Damian thought it was just another "Brock vs Damian" battle so he brought out his Gyarados and blew Bruno out against a wall.

Later, he was in another room with a ghost type elite trainer called Agatha. Damian brought out his Gengar to challenge her. Agatha and Damain had a magnificant battle between each other but Damain's Gengar confused Agatha by winning.

It was the final countdown, it was Damian against Lance, the dragon type pokemon master. Thank god that Damian had the Lapras what someone gave him in Saffron City. It was the final battle and it was Lapras against Dragonite.

Dragonite used its hyperbeam attack and Lapras used its hydro pump attack. Lapras was faster and much more intelligent so it used hydro pump faster than Dragonite's hyper beam.

Damain won the kanto elite four and Lance congradulated Damian for defeating him with pride and honor. Damian and Lance went inside a room to record his league victory.

When Professor Oak arrived, Oak told Damian to go to his next area wich was the johto region. Damian went back to Pallet Town to say goodbye again and then he flew off to the johto region.
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Why won't people leave my spelling alone? I want people to leave my spelling alone, maybe I'm not pokemon fan fiction eligable.
  #2    
Old May 21st, 2008, 06:21 AM
The Dominator 2000's Avatar
The Dominator 2000
The Dominator
 
Join Date: May 2008
Location: Minneapolis, MN, US
Age: 23
Gender:
Nature: Timid
The Johto Prologue.

When Damian arrived in Johto, the actual location was in New Bark Town. Damian saw a professor named Elm so he talked to him about his next pokemon journey. Professor Elm got a hold of all of his Kanto pokemon and then Damian started with Cyndaquil.

When Damian entered Violet City, he entered the gym and saw Falkner the gym leader. Damian defeated him but it wasn't easy for him because Damian just got to the Johto region. After he defeated Falkner, he traveled to Azalea Town.

When he was in Azalea Town, he saw the gym and then he saw the gym leader Bugsy. Inside the gym, Damian started out with his fire pokemon Quilava and got an easy victory. After winning Bugsy, he traveled to Goldenron City.

In Goldenrod City, he didn't have a fighting type pokemon with him to easily defeat Whittney so he just went inside to try his best. Inside the gym, Damian threw out his Quilava but it was easily defeated by Whittney's Miltank.

When Damian was sitting on a bench in front of the Goldenrod City gym, a mysterious Tyrogue came up to him and it wanted to fight. Damian accepted Tyrogue's challenge and then he caught it and entered the Goldenrod gym once more.

Inside the gym, he had a new pokemon to try out so he brought out Tyrogue and he won really quickly and easily from his new Tyrogue. Later on, he traveled to Ecruteak City to challenge Morty the ghost gym leader.

Damian realized that he didn't have a dark type pokemon but he suddenly saw an Eevee walking along his legs. Damian got up and caught it. It was night out and he trained his Eevee and then it evolved into an Umbreon.

Damian went inside the gym and challenged Morty for the badge. He won the battle by a long shot and Morty handed him the badge. He then traveled to Olivine City to challenge that gym leader. When he was in Olivine City, the gym was locked so he went to find the leader.

Damain found the leader and challenged her for the badge. The gym leader declined the challenge because he didn't defeat the leader he sapose to challenge which was in Cainwood City so Damian exited the gym and traveled to Cainwood City.

When he was in Cainwood, he saw the leader right away and then they battled. Damian sent out his Typhlosion and then the gym leader Chuck easily defeated it. Damain then sent out his newly evolved Tyrogue which was now a Hitmontop.

Hitmontop was a hard battler and then him and Damian won the battle. Damian was finally done battling inside the Cainwood City so he went back to Olivine City to defeat Jasmine. Inside Olivine City, Jasmine was waiting patiently for Damian.

Jasmine and Damian had a tough battle with his Typhlosion and her Steelix but when Damian's Typhlosion had a fierce fiery blow, Damian won. Damian traveled to Mohogany Town and challenged to old wise man to a challenge.

The old man was really wise but not wise enough for Damian's Typhlosion. When the gym got heated up, Pryce's pokemon were slowing down and then Damian's Typhlosion blew out its fire attacks and won.

Damian exited the gym and traveled to the last gym area which was Blackthorn City. When he was in Blackthorn City, he caught a mysterious Dratini and trained it until it was a Dragonite. Damian saw the gym leader Claire and he wanted a challenge.

Damian and Claire had a magnificant performance of dragon type moves but Damian's Dragonite was faster than her Dragonite and Damian won the battle. Claire gave him the badge and Damian ran towards the pokemon league to end his johto adventure.

When he was inside the pokemon league, his first challenger was Will, the psychic pokemon elite. Damian sent out his Umbreon and he won very easily because Will didn't do the right psychic moves.

Later on, he was facing a dark type leader named Karen. Damian sent out his Hitmontop and easily won by Karen's mistake of using curse. Damian won and he entered the next area and he was surprised that it was Koga.

Damian and Koga had a maginficant battle between each other but Damian barely won with his Xatu. Koga lost and he told Damian the next challenger which was the leader was Lance so Damian was ready to battle Lance once again.

Damian entered the final room and Lance wasn't surprised to see Damian holding his pokeball in his hand. Lance thought it was the Lapras but instead it was a Dragonite. Damian smiled at Lance and Lance did the same thing to him and they started the battle.

Damian's Dragonite was much more furious than Lance's Dragonite and then they both used hyper beam and it blew up the whole stage. Lance and Damian was still standing in their original places but the Dragonite's were flying in the air.

Damian's Dragonite used outrage and it knocked out Lance's Dragonite. Damain didn't find a way to get towards Lance but Lance's Dragonite grabbed Damian and put him across the broken stage. Lance and Damian went to a seprate room and did the same thing they did in the kanto region.

Professor Elm walked in and congradulated Damian and told him to go to the next region which was the hoenn region. Damian went back to the broken stage and he flew towards the hoenn region. When he was flying above the johto region, he saw the hoenn region up ahead to he flew more.
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Why won't people leave my spelling alone? I want people to leave my spelling alone, maybe I'm not pokemon fan fiction eligable.
  #3    
Old May 21st, 2008, 07:22 AM
JX Valentine's Avatar
JX Valentine
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In short, you're making a lot of the same mistakes you made in your other fanfiction, except right here, to be blunt, it's a bit worse. The reason why is because you include Gym Battles here and rush through entire regions, which really, you shouldn't do. Even if it's the prologue, if you don't put detail into things like battles (which are typically some of the most exciting moments in an OT story), you might as well not mention them at all.

To give you an idea of why you need to be as detailed as possible, imagine yourself as a painter. You have this really great idea in your head and a blank canvas, and you really want to share this really great idea with the rest of us. Because we can't see into your mind, you need to put as much detail into your painting as possible to get it as close to the image in your mind as you can. You may even need to paint individual leaves if it means we'll see the image in your head clearly. You just can't paint stick figures and expect us to understand what you were thinking when you came up with the image.

Same thing goes with writing. If you're not as detailed as you can possibly be, we'll never see how great the story in your head is.

For this reason, even though I read your story, I really never felt drawn into it. You give the reader no opportunity to feel for your characters, much less visualize what they look like in the first place, because you rush from town to town without even bothering to detail what's going on. What you've covered in two chapters really should be covered in several.

Also, you make a number of spelling and grammar errors, ranging from failing to capitalize "Johto" at one point to misspelling "Cianwood" and "Vermilion." I would highly recommend sitting down to proofread your work before you submit it, which entails rereading what you wrote (aloud) and maybe sending it to a beta to look it over again. Yes, you need to be careful with that kind of thing. The reason why is because the English language is a fundamental part of writing. In fact, using the English language is about half the point to writing itself. If you're not careful with how you write, then it's a lot like being a painter who's replaced his paints with his own feces. You may be able to paint a vague picture, but really, no one wants to see that.
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  #4    
Old May 21st, 2008, 07:26 AM
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q2r5o900
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wow read more more MORE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
  #5    
Old May 21st, 2008, 07:35 AM
The Dominator 2000's Avatar
The Dominator 2000
The Dominator
 
Join Date: May 2008
Location: Minneapolis, MN, US
Age: 23
Gender:
Nature: Timid
The Hoenn Prologue.

Damian arrived in the hoenn region and his location was in Littleroot Town. When Damian landed on the ground he heard a person calling for help. He went to the person for help and it was Professor Birch.

Damian defeated the wild Poochyena with his new Mudkip. Professor Birch accepts Mudkip with Damian and he goes off with his hoenn adventure. Damian traveled to Rustboro City to challenge the gym leader.

Damian won the battle by an easy blow of water and then he went outside to travel to Dewford Town. When he found a way to get to Dewford Town, he saw the gym and then he went inside to challenge Brawly the gym leader.

When Damian was battling Brawly, Damian won by a quick shot with his caught Taillow. When he earned the badge, he went outside and traveled to Mauville City to challenge the leader there. When he was in Mauville City, he was surprised that his Marshtomp was water and ground.

Damian was challenging Wattson the electric type leader. Damian was still surprised that his Marshtomp was a ground and water type so it was a quaking victory for Damain. He won the battle so he started heading towards Lavaridge Town.

When Damian was inside the gym challenging Flannery, the fire type trainer, Damian had a 100% chance of winning so he let it out by using a bomb full of mud to defeat Flannery. Flannery gave Damian the badge and then he went back to Petalburge City.

In Petalburge City, he challenged the gym leader Norman to a battle but he had his kids to take care of first. When Norman was ready for a battle, he sent out his Slaking. Damian sent out his newly evolved Marshtomp which was now a Swampert.

Damian made Swampert used muddy water to flood the city and attack Norman's Slaking also. Norman was upset so Swampert used mud shot to shut him up. Norman was so angry that he gave Damian the badge and then he left.

Damian then traveled to Fortree City to challenge his next leader which was a flying type trainer. When he was challenging Winona inside the gym, she was easily defeated by Damian's Manectric. Winona gave him the badge and then he went off towards Mossdeep City.

When he was in Mossdeep City, he had to face two gym leader's which was able to let him have his first team battle so he let out his Swampert and his Roselia. Swampert used muddy water and Roselia used petal dance to win the battle.

Later on, Damian traveled to Sootopolis which was underwater and then when he entered the water and swam back up he officially entered it. Damian faced Wallace with his Manectrice. The final battle between them were Manectrice and Luvdisc and Damian won obviously.

Wallace congradulated Damian into a wonderful victory between them and Damian left to go towards Evergrand City which was the pokemon league was. When he was inside the pokemon league his first challenger was Sidney the dark elite.

Damian sent out his Medicham and Sidney sent out his Metagross. Medicham and Metagross had a hard fighting battle between each other but the outcome was Medicham winning. Damian entered the next room and the next challenger was Phoebe, the ghost elite.

Phoebe sent out her Dusklops and Damian sent out his caught Absol. Absol was furious and vicious and it blew the whole stage with dark attacks. The outcome was Absol winning and Damian went to the next challenger which was Glacia, the ice elite.

Glacia sent out his Glalie and Damian sent out his Camperupt. Camerupt blew the whole stage with eruption. Glacia accepted the lose from Damian and then he went to the next challenger Drake, the dragon elite.

Damian saw Drake and the guy who helped him before he entered Fortree talking to each other and then Drake told Damian that he was the next challenger and master of the pokemon league so him and Damian started their battle.

Damian sent out his Salamence and Drake sent out his Salamence. The two Salamence's were both eager to battle so Drak and Damain both let them do what they want to do. Damian's Salamence used dragon claw and Drake's Salamence used dragon breath.

Drake and Damian had a hard fought battle but Drake fell in defeat. Damian won the pokemon league and when Professor Birch showed up, he told Damian to start another journey that lied in the Sinnoh region.

Damian went outside of the Evergrand City pokemon league and flew off towards the Sinnoh region to start his new pokemon adventure. When Damian landed in Sangem Town, Professor Rowan got a hand of his caught pokemon from the Hoenn region and gave Damian a Turtwig.
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Why won't people leave my spelling alone? I want people to leave my spelling alone, maybe I'm not pokemon fan fiction eligable.
  #6    
Old May 21st, 2008, 01:28 PM
Astinus's Avatar
Astinus
Remember NovEnder
 
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Connecticut, USA
Age: 27
Gender: Male
There are so so many things that I could comment on, but I'm not going to bother. Because it's obvious that you're not going to listen to any advice given to you. Your other story had the same problems that this one has, only worse.

You're telling the story of someone traveling through four regions. There needs to be so much more to this story. Damian's just catching random Pokemon that'll give him the best advantage over his opponents and winning easily. It's too boring, kind of like what we told you for your other story.

And I have to comment on your signature. Your spelling is not going to be left alone when you post fanfiction. Spelling and grammar are the most important things to telling a story, because if your story is unreadable, then who will read it?

Listen to the advice given to you if you want to improve. I really don't want to say much else because...well, there's no point.
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