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  #1    
Old June 7th, 2008 (10:01 AM). Edited June 7th, 2008 by Fire1829.
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Fire1829
The Shadow Watcher
 
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: In The Shadow's Darkness
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Hello people, this is a short chapter story about a boy named Aaron and his pokemon adventure.

Prologue
The New Beginning

It was 5 o'clock in the morning and Aaron woke up that morning really tired but nice and ready to start his very own pokemon adventure. He grabbed his clothes and headed into the bathroom to shower. When he got out of the shower, he had black hair with blue eyes and a great smile, he wore a white hat, a black necklace, a blue shirt, black pants, and white shoes.

Aaron brushed his teeth and brushed his hair and then he went downstairs to eat some breakfast. He saw his mom making breakfast so he sat down patiently waiting for his breakfast. The breakfast was set on the table and He ate it so fast that he had to puke a few minutes later. He said goodbye to his mom and he left to go to Professor Oak's laboratory.

Aaron was walking to Professor Oak's laboratory when suddenly he tripped and fell on a branch that left a huge cut across his right eye. When he got up he continued walking to the laboratory unharmed or hurt. Aaron opened the laboratory doors and walked inside. He saw Professor Oak waiting patiently for him so he walked towards the old man.

"Hello there Aaron," said Professor Oak.
"Hello there professor," said Aaron.
"I'm guessing that you want to recieve your starter pokemon than right?" asked Professor Oak.
"Yes I do professor," said Aaron. "May I have a Squirtle please?"
"Yes you can have one," said Professor Oak.

Professor Oak grabbed a pokeball out of the counter and handed it to Aaron. Aaron was happy that he got his first pokemon to start his very own pokemon adventure. Professor Oak also gave Aaron five empty pokeballs, a trainer card, and a pokedex. Right after Aaron recieved the pokeballs, the trainer card, and the pokedex, he left the laboratory quickly.

Aaron was just outside the lab and he saw a trainer about his same as, which was ten, and the same height. The other trainer introduced to himself and demanded Aaron to a pokemon battle. Aaron accepted the pokemon battle and then suddenly the battle began. Aaron brought out Squirtle and Benjamin brought out Bulbasaur. Squirtle and Bulbasaur had a hard fought battle between each other but Squirtle won.

The battle was over with and the look of Benjamin's eyes, it wasn't the end of meeting each other. Aaron made Squirtle return to its pokeball and Aaron started walking towards Route One, the first route to start off his pokemon adventure. Before Aaron left, his mom came out of the house and gave Aaron one thousand dollars just to start off his pokemon adventure.

When Aaron's mom went back inside the house, he brought out Squirtle for it can walk with him and then he threw the pokeball away in the nearby bushes. He later on went inside his house and hid his face away from his mom. He walked upstairs and grabbed a black bag so he can put the pokeballs inside with the pokedex as well. Aaron went back downstairs and left without making a sound.

Aaron was back outside with Squirtle by his side and then he started walking towards Route One, the beginning route of his adventure.
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  #2    
Old June 7th, 2008 (11:07 AM).
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BREAKINGBEN
Advanced Trainer
 
Join Date: Feb 2008
Age: 20
Nature: Careful
Ugh...! Why...

So many people have made these the past week or so, it's hard to keep up. (Not like I am...).

Well, you probably don't know what I'm groaning about. It's the story. Everyone and there younger brother (literally) have made OT (original trainer) fics. Young boy wakes up, gets breakfast, gets Pokemon/denied Pokemon, battles trainer, starts journey. I guess it's just an easy thing to write about. So many first time writers do this, common mistake. Think of something really original and try to write about that. It may be hard to get a story going at first, but you'll eventually pick up steam and get the plot moving fast.

Another thing is the description and flow... they are lacking. You just zip from one point to the next, not smoothing out the edges and giving the reader a vivid picture in their head when they read. Description gives the reader an idea about the author, Good description = "Hey, they might be good after all!", Bad = "Ugh... what am I doing here?!". Take your time and write it out neatly, proofreading along the way of course.

I'll leave the grammatical errors for later... since there ARE quite a few. One thing to mention though, please hit enter TWICE when a new person is speaking.

Now, onto the story part of the review. Like I said before, it's the same as a million others. So many want to copy the show/game/anime that it just lacks in creativity. Same with the title, (Trainer's name) (Region) Pokemon (Adventure, Story, Journey, etc.), that just yells "Don't read me! Don't read me!". Think of a good title for your story, it may not come to you at first, but when you start writing the fic, you'll get a good idea of what the title SHOULD be. (Referring to my story "An Orphan's Dream". Read the first chapter or so an then you'll see how I got the title.)

Next, the labeling. Prologue? Really? No. This seems more like a 'Chapter One' to me. No background story, no mysterious past, nothing to chew on for your readers... you just threw them into the story with no warning. If you want, PLEASE re-title this post Chapter 1 or something along those lines.

Last but certainly not least, length. Make it longer... yes. About three to five pages on Microsoft Word should give you a good idea of the length.

Last thought, please listen to mine, and any other advice given to you. It will make a difference. I can't count how many times I've seen new authors completely ignore advice given by reviewers and then see their thread close. So read this, fix any grammatical errors when someone comes by to do that and above all, BE CREATIVE!!!
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  #3    
Old June 7th, 2008 (11:46 AM).
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Fire1829
The Shadow Watcher
 
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: In The Shadow's Darkness
Gender:
Nature: Adamant
Chapter One
Trouble in Viridian City

When Aaron was walking on Route One, he saw a man leaning on a tree so he went upt towards him to see what was up. When he was talking to the man, the man gave him a free Potion to heal his pokemon but Aaron's pokemon weren't hurt so he put it inside his bag for an emergency. Aaron left the man and continued walking on the route.

Aaron kept on walking and then suddenly, he saw a Pidgey eating so he creeped up next to it and then suddenly it threw sand at his face. Aaron got pushed back and then he brought out Squirtle to attack the Pidgey. Squirtle came out and attacked Pidgey by running towards it and hitting it in the chest.

The Pidgey flew back up and soared at Squirtle, hitting it with a feirce attack. The sand was still in Aaron's eyes and couldn't see so Squirtle kept on attack the Pidgey. Squirtle and the Pidgey had an outstanding battle between each other and then when Aaron had no sand in his eyes, Squirtle ran towards Pidgey with one last blow to the chest and then it fell on the ground.

"Alright Squirtle, you did it," said Aaron while jumping with cheer. "Okay pokeball, go!"

Aaron grabbed a pokeball from the bag and threw it at the Pidgey. The wild Pidgey was caught and Aaron caught his first wild pokemon of his pokemon adventure. Aaron kept on walking and then he entered Viridian City. When he was inside the city, he first went inside the pokecenter to heal his pokemon.

Aaron walked outside of the pokecenter and then two people wearing all black with a red "R" on their suit walked inside. Later on, Aaron heard screaming from inside the pokecenter so he ran inside and he saw the two people stealing pokemon. Aaron ran towards the two robbers and fought with them but the male pushed him on the ground.

"You looking for a fight kid?" asked the male robber.
"No, stop stealing other trainers pokemon," said Aaron.
"Who's going to stop us?" said the female robber.
"I'm going to stop you," said Aaron in an angry way.
"Alright then, show us what you got then kid," said the female robber.

Aaron brought out his Pidgey and Squirtle and the two robbers sent out Vulpix and Mankey. Aaron told Pidgey to use Gust and Squirtle to use Bubble. Pidgey flew up high and created a small tornado towards Mankey, twirling it inside. Squirtle squirted out bubbles and it attacked Vulpix, blinding it.

The robbers told Vulpix to use Ember and Mankey to use Low Kick. Vulpix spurted out fire balls at Pidgey but the Pidgey evaporated it away from its wings. Mankey ran towards Squirtle and tripped him by using its leg. Aaron told Pidgey to used Gust again and Squirtle to use Bubble again and then the two robbers lost the battle. Later on when Pidgey and Squirtle returned to their pokeballs, the two robbers ran away.

"Thank you trainer," said the nurse.
"Your welcome ma'am," said Aaron.

Aaron put back the bag of pokeballs to the nurses hands and left the pokecenter. When he was back outside, no danger was available so he walked around the city. When he was walking around, he saw a sign saying that the next destination was Viridian Forest so he walked north to see what was there.
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  #4    
Old June 8th, 2008 (11:04 AM).
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Fire1829
The Shadow Watcher
 
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: In The Shadow's Darkness
Gender:
Nature: Adamant
Chapter Two
The Electric Mouse

Aaron was walking inside Viridian Forest when suddenly he saw a yellow tail above a bush swirving around, shaking the bush. He was wondered why a bush with a yellow tail would move so he walked up towards it and then he saw a Pikachu eating berries off of the bush.

Aaron looked at the Pikachu and it ran away quickly as possible. He watched the Pikachu zip through the trees and then when he couldn't see it, he continued walking. Later on when he was still walking, he saw a huge flash from the sky and he also heard a loud crash nearby so he ran as fast as he could to see if the Pikachu was okay.

When Aaron got to the Pikachu, it was laying down on the ground suffering. He looked around to see who did this to the Pikachu and then he saw the two robbers from Viridian City with their Vulpix and Mankey outside of their pokeballs. He was mad at them two and then he ran towards the Pikachu to see if it was okay.

"What did you two do to this little pokemon?" asked Aaron in a sad way.
"What did we do, ask the Pikachu what it did to us," said the female robber.
"The Pikachu didn't do anything to hurt you two, a pokemon wouldn't do that," said Aaron.
"Well if the pokemon wasn't in our way, the Pikachu wouldn't lay there like that," said the male robber.

Later on, the two robbers returned their Vulpix and Mankey to their pokeballs and they walked away from the hurt Pikachu. Aaron looked at the Pikachu and it opened its eyes. The Pikachu was mad so it shocked him with Thundershock. He got up and he was toasted with black spots all over his body.

The Pikachu looked happy to see a respectful trainer like Aaron would care for a pokemon that rare. Aaron wanted to battle it with Squirtle and catch it but the Pikachu wouldn't let him. Instead of him capturing the Pikachu, the Pikachu suddenly grabbed a pokeball from his pocket and it opened up, sending the Pikachu inside.

Aaron thought it was wierd that he caught a Pikachu like that so he thought about it while he kept on walking in the Viridian Forest. A couple minutes later, he saw the two robbers again and they wanted a fight from him from getting in their way.

"Alright, since you and that Pikachu was in our way, we demand a pokemon battle," said the female robber.
"Okay, you said it," said Aaron. "Come out Pikachu and Squirtle!"

Aaron brought out Pikachu and Squirtle and the two robbers sent out their Butterfree and Beedrill to attack them. Aaron looked at the two and told to himself that the battle was going to be an easy win so he told Pikachu to use Thundershock and Squirtle to use Bubble.

Pikachu had elecricity coming from its red cheeks and then the electricity quickly zapped Beedrill and Butterfree and Squirtle squirted out bubbles and the bubbles didn't do anything because the needles on Beedrill popped them. Beedrill used Fury Attack on Pikachu and Butterfree used Confusion.

Beedrill flew towards Pikachu and hit it five times in a row. Beedrill was paralyzed by touching Pikachu. Butterfree's eyes turned purple and it made Squirtle and Pikachu dizzy. Aaron looked funny and told Pikachu to use Thundershock again on Beedrill and Butterfree. The electic zapped Butterfree and Beedrill but it shocked Squirtle also.

The Beedrill and Butterfree was both down on the ground fainted so the two robbers lost the pokemon battle. Aaron made Squirtle and Pikachu return from their pokeballs and asked to see if who the two robbers were. The robbers said that they work for a special organization called Team Rocket and they suddenly ran off.

Aaron looked around to see where they ran off too but there was no trace of them so he kept on walking inside the forest and then he read a sign saying that Pewter City was up ahead. He had a big smile on his face and ran towards Pewter City.
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  #5    
Old June 8th, 2008 (02:35 PM).
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Cobalt36
Ivy and Harley, quite a pair..
 
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: Trapped in a cage with Ivy and Harley...and no way out...YAY!!!
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Aw dear Jesus! Did you completely ignore BreakingBen or did ya' just not care?! I agree:
1. Dialogue. Wow, it is way too plain, monotone, and boring:
"How are you?" "I am fine." "Can i have it?" "Yes, you may have it."
Does that sound good to you? Didn't think so.
2. It is really cliche. I have seen way too many copy-the-anime fics to count, and this ain't the best. Spice it up; give us more to look forward to, pal.
3. Uh, yeah, IT IS WAAAAAY TOO SHORT!!! I'm not one for long writing myself, but when i am in the mood i bomb out at least 7 pages. You make it look like you don't want to do this and you could care less. Give us alot more to read, it's not like we have lives or anything.

Please, at least listen to me. We critique because we care.
~Cobalt36
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Two-Face: To hit you with a truck!
Poison Ivy: (aside to others, referring to Two-Face) We used to date.
Joker & Penguin: (catching her drift) Ahhhh...
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  #6    
Old June 9th, 2008 (10:11 AM).
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Konvict
Embrace The End
 
Join Date: May 2008
Location: in the blue skies above Katipunan Ave, Philippines
Age: 23
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Quote originally posted by My reply in Ben's Pokemon Adventure:
A lot of phrases look the same, grammar issues (apostrophes, capitalizations), the conversations look a bit dull. Plus, when making a fanfiction for RPGs, AVOID referring to levels and experience. Just say that the Pokemon grew stronger or something. ><

Don't get me twisted, a few tweaks here and there and this fic will be great.
Same things apply. Except for the levels and exp part. XD
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  #7    
Old June 9th, 2008 (03:17 PM).
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EviLatios
The Latios With Fangs
 
Join Date: Dec 2007
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Bit Dull, 'mean really. Where'd that Pikachu Come from? Maybe from the Anime? I know that there are Pikachu's running around Viridian Forest, but... Really, What Breakingben said.
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  #8    
Old June 9th, 2008 (04:43 PM).
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Fire1829
The Shadow Watcher
 
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: In The Shadow's Darkness
Gender:
Nature: Adamant
Chapter Three
The Rocky Showdown

Aaron was finally in Pewter City and he just healed his pokemon when suddenly, he saw Team Rocket stealing pokemon once again. Aaron brought out Squirtle and Pidgey to follow him while he was creeping towards Team Rocket. He heard what they were saying to the pokemon trainer and then the pokemon trainer ran away. The female Rocket member laughed and then he came out of the nearby bushes.

"Stop it right there you two!" hollered Aaron.
"What are you going to do?" asked the male Rocket member.
"You'll see what I'm going to do," said Aaron. "Use Sand Attack and Bubble Squirtle and Pidgey!"

Pidgey flew up in the sky and blew sand in the two Rocket members eyes and Squirtle finished it off by blowing bubbles in their faces also. The two Rocket members dropped the bag and ran away. Aaron made Squirtle and Pidgey return to their pokeballs and grabbed the bag to return to the pokemon trainer.

"Here you go," said Aaron while handing the bag to the pokemon trainer.
"Thank you sir," said the pokemon trainer.

Aaron made the day happier again and walked inside the Pewter City museum. Inside the museum, he handed the five hundred dollars and looked at the fossils. He was looking at the fossils inside their glass cases and then a black man showed up.

"You better head out pretty soon here," said the man while he was looking at the fossils next to Aaron.
"Alright, but I have nothing to go next," said Aaron.
"Why not battle me for a gym badge?" asked the man. "By the way, my name is Brock,"
"Alright Brock, let's go to your gym then," said Aaron.

Later on that day, Aaron and the man entered the gym and took out their pokemon to start the battle. Aaron sent out Squirtle and Brock sent out Geodude. When Squirtle came out of the pokeball, Aaron told it to use Water Gun. Geodude got hit hard by the spraying water.

Brock told Geodude to use Rock Throw and it hit Squirtle but no hard as the water hitting it. Aaron told Squirtle to use Water Gun again and when the water hit Geodude, Geodude fainted. Brock made Geodude return and sent out Onix. When Onix came out, it used Rock Throw.

Aaron told Squirtle to jump and use Water Gun and when the water sprayed Onix, it was a one hit knock out! Aaron and Squirtle won but suddenly, Squirtle started to evolve into Wartortle. After Squirtle evolved, Brock gave Aaron the Boulderbadge as a prize.

Aaron left the gym happier than it can be and he walked towards Mt. Moon, the mountain of Clefairy and Clefable.
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  #9    
Old June 9th, 2008 (06:16 PM).
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Astinus
Remember NovEnder
 
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Connecticut, USA
Age: 28
Gender: Male
Quote originally posted by Fire1829:
When he got out of the shower, he had black hair with blue eyes and a great smile, he wore a white hat, a black necklace, a blue shirt, black pants, and white shoes.
So, before the shower, he was blond, green-eyed, and wore different clothes? The shower was able to dress him and dye his hair and give him contacts? Nice.

Quote:
Aaron brushed his teeth and brushed his hair and then he went downstairs to eat some breakfast. He saw his mom making breakfast so he sat down patiently waiting for his breakfast. The breakfast was set on the table and He ate it so fast that he had to puke a few minutes later. He said goodbye to his mom and he left to go to Professor Oak's laboratory.
Mind telling me one last time that he's having breakfast? I'm still not sure. Also, why is there a random capitalized pronoun in the middle of a sentence? Aaron ain't God.

Quote:
Aaron was walking to Professor Oak's laboratory when suddenly he tripped and fell on a branch that left a huge cut across his right eye.
Okay, getting a cut across just the eyelid hurts, and I speak from experience. First you think that you are blind, then your eyes tear up, then you bleed. And that's just the eyelid. When your eye gets cut, you're not going to just stand up and carry on your merry way.

Quote:
He saw Professor Oak waiting patiently for him so he walked towards the old man.
People certainly enjoy waiting patiently for everything, don't they? Apparently all the impatient people blew up or something.

Quote:
"Hello there Aaron," said Professor Oak.
"Hello there professor," said Aaron.
"I'm guessing that you want to recieve your starter pokemon than right?" asked Professor Oak.
"Yes I do professor," said Aaron. "May I have a Squirtle please?"
"Yes you can have one," said Professor Oak.
Never mind. Everyone's just a robot. Seriously, that was the most unemotional exchange of dialogue I've read recently. Aaron's not excited to get his starter Pokemon, Oak is spouting off his trademark poems or being Oak, and no one really seems to care.

Plus, you spelled "receive" wrong, and you have the wrong "then/than". You want the one with the e in it.

And dialogue is paragraphed exactly the same as narration, which means that there should be a little blank line in between each line. I have no idea why you don't do this, but it's odd and dare I say wrong.

Quote:
Professor Oak also gave Aaron five empty pokeballs, a trainer card, and a pokedex. Right after Aaron recieved the pokeballs, the trainer card, and the pokedex, he left the laboratory quickly.
Why do you repeat things? We get it: Aaron has pokéballs, a trainer card, and a pokédex. You don't need to say it so many times in a short amount of sentences.

You still spelled "received" wrong, which tells me that you didn't run this through a spell-checker. Do so.

Also, why did you capitalize "squirtle" when talking about "a Squirtle" and you don't capitalize any other words of the franchise? Pick one or the other, since "a Squirtle" isn't a proper noun, so it doesn't get capitalized.

Quote:
Aaron was just outside the lab and he saw a trainer about his same as,
His same as? As what? This also shows a lack of proof-reading over your chapter before you posted it.

Quote:
The other trainer introduced to himself and demanded Aaron to a pokemon battle.
You don't introduced yourself to yourself, unless you want to be seen as completely insane.

Quote:
Squirtle and Bulbasaur had a hard fought battle between each other but Squirtle won.
Describe moar.

Seriously, the writing guides that are stickied in the Lounge explain how to describe battles. You could have easily lengthened your chapter if you had written about the battle instead of just glossing over it.

Quote:
When Aaron's mom went back inside the house, he brought out Squirtle for it can walk
So Squirtle isn't crappled? Holy crip!

You meant "so it could walk".

Quote:
with him and then he threw the pokeball away in the nearby bushes.
...?

I'm beginning to wonder if Aaron is a bright little child. I mean, what happens if there's an instance where he has to save Squirtle, and the turtle is out of his reach? He could have just easily grabbed a Pokéball and called it back with the little red laser. Instead, Aaron throws away a way to protect his Pokemon from harm to make it seem like he cares about his Squirtle. (By not keeping it in the evil vile prison known as a Pokéball.)

Quote:
He later on went inside his house and hid his face away from his mom.
Why? In shame? In horror? Does he randomly think that even his own mother won't love his face because he's just that ugly? It's just like "Sorry, Mom. Can't look at me!"

Quote:
He walked upstairs and grabbed a black bag so he can put the pokeballs inside with the pokedex as well. Aaron went back downstairs and left without making a sound.
Why is he being so secretive? His mother obviously approves of him leaving to be a trainer, so he doesn't have to be secret like ninja when leaving. It just seems odd because you won't give the readers Aaron's thoughts as he's doing anything. So he just seems like an odd little child by running around like ninja throwing away Pokéballs that would keep his Pokemon safe and not showing any emotion at all no matter what. (Oh, and don't think about saying "But Ash is to be keeping Pikachu safe without Pokéballs! :D" because that won't help your case at all. You don't mess with the Ash Ketchum, or use him as a role model for your characters.)

-

Your story is full of holes that I pointed out because there's a lack of planning while writing. Don't just write in the reply box. Actually take the time to write your story, run it through a spell-checker, read it over before posting. Sit there and think about what your characters are doing and if it seems logical for that character to make that decision. Otherwise, your character just seems odd.

I'd love to see you actually listen to this advice once instead of ignoring it. And just for lulz, I'll be back to review the other chapters.
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  #10    
Old June 12th, 2008 (06:05 AM).
Ninja Caterpie's Avatar
Ninja Caterpie
Sitting by the back window
 
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Best City OCE
Age: 19
Gender: Male
Nature: Bold
Astinus, I doubt he's going to respond...
He's just going to chug out the next chapter...and the next...til either this gets locked of he gets bored.
He hasn't ONCE replied to anything...
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