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  #1    
Old June 10th, 2008, 04:27 PM
Fire Eagle's Avatar
Fire Eagle
The Pokemon Legend
 
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Walker , MN
Age: 22
Gender: Male
Nature: Adamant
Prologue
Fire Eagle been a pokemon trainer, pokemon breeder, and a pokemon professor for a great while now. He was the first to come up with cloning pokemon and letting them speak to their trainers. His mom and dad past away when he was 21, the year when he completed his Sinnoh adventure. His former professors, Oak, Elm, Birch, and Rowan all past away in their 60's and kept watching Fire Eagle in his pokemon professor days in heaven. Now, I'm going to tell you the story of Fire Eagle and his magnificant journey of the Kanto region, the Johto region, the Hoenn region, and his last pokemon adventure, the Sinnoh region.


Chapter One
Fire Eagle was just 10 years old when he started his very first pokemon adventure. Fire Eagle wore a black hat, a black necklace, a blue shirt, and black shorts. His first pokemon he got from Professor Oak was a Squirtle, the water pokemon. Right after he got his Squirtle, he said goodbye to his mom and started walking to Route One. He was walking on Route One and he saw a Pidgey. Fire Eagle brought out his Squirtle to attack it.

The battle between Squirtle and Pidgey was done so Fire Eagle threw a pokeball at it and it was a complete catch. Fire Eagle continued forth on walking in Route One and he saw a man standing next to a tree. He spoke to the man and he gave Fire Eagle a Potion to heal his Pidgey. Fire Eagle healed his Pidgey and kept on walking. Fire Eagle arrived in Viridian City a few hours that morning.

He went inside a pokecenter to heal hsi pokemon until they were fully healed. He left the pokecenter and kept on walking with a map in his hand. He checked the map and he was about to enter the Viridian City Forest. Inside the Viridian Forest, he was walking and spotted a Pikachu. He loved Pikachu in his earlier years so he captured it. Fire Eagle kept on walking in the forest and spotted a bug cather so he challenged a battle.

The battle between a Caterpie and a Pidgey was no match so the outcome was Fire Eagle winning. Fire Eagle saw so much bug pokemon in the forest, he decided to battle them to make Pidgey stronger. When Pidgey was fainted, Fire Eagle brought out Squirtle to battle bug pokemon also. Squirtle and Pidgey were both stronger by time Fire Eagle left the Viridian Forest.

Fire Eagle was just entering Pewter City, the city of rock type pokemon. Since the era of Ash Ketchum, the city changed alot. Pewter City now has a museum and a mining facility. Brock had two jobs, a job as a security guard in the Pewter City museum and a miner in the Pewter City mining facility. Fire Eagle was hungry for a gym battle so he went to the gym and challened Brock for a gym battle.

Fire Eagle and Brock sent out Squritle and Geodude to start of the battle. Fire Eagle told Squirtle to use Bubble on Geodude and Geodude got hit by the stinging acid of the bubbles. It was Brock's turn and he told Geodude to use Rock Throw on Squirtle and when the rock hit Squirtle, it got hit hard but its shell still protected it. Fire Eagle told Squirtle to use Bubble again on Geodude and when the bubbles stung Geodude, it was fainted.

Brock sent out Onix and Brock told it to use Rock Throw on Squirtle. Squirtle got hit but its shell kept on protecting it. Fire Eagle told Squirtle to use Bubble again and when Onix got hit by the stinging acid, it got paralyzed and couldn't move. Brock was wondering what's wrong with Onix and Fire Eagle told Squirtle to use Bubble again. Onix fainted and Fire Eagle was happy that he won the Boulderbadge but Brock didn't say that he won.

Brock sent out Rhyhorn and he told it to use Horn Attack. Rhyhorn rammed into Squirtle but when it defeated Onix, it got stronger so Fire Eagle told it to use Water Gun. The water sprayed on Rhyhorns rock hard body and it fainted in an instant. Now, finally Fire Eagle won the gym challenge against Brock and won the Boulderbadge. Brock and Fire Eagle both shook hands and Brock gave Fire Eagle $1,000 for prize money.

Squirtle evolved into Wartortle and Fire Eagle walked outside of the gym and went to a pokecenter to heal his pokemon. Fire Eagle's pokemon were done healing and he was happy that he made one big step into his pokemon adventure and completed it. Fire Eagle was walking in Route 3 and waited to see what was going to happen next to his pokemon and even to himself.
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  #2    
Old June 11th, 2008, 02:29 PM
iLike2EatPiez's Avatar
iLike2EatPiez
baby dOGS
 
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Hell.
Age: 19
Gender: Female
Nature: Relaxed
Um... Alright. This seems like it could use a lot of work, so I'll start off by quote-reviewing it.

Quote:
Prologue
Fire Eagle has been a Pokemon trainer, Pokemon breeder, and a Pokemon professor for a great while now. He was the first to come up with cloning Pokemon and letting them speak to their trainers. His mom and dad passed away when he was 21, the year when he completed his Sinnoh adventure. His former professors, Oak, Elm, Birch, and Rowan all passed away in their 60's and kept watching Fire Eagle in his Pokemon professor days in heaven. Now, I'm going to tell you the story of Fire Eagle and his magnificant journey of the Kanto region, the Johto region, the Hoenn region, and his last pokemon adventure, the Sinnoh region.
(Gramatical corrections in bold)

Okay. Several issues here. First of all, I and likely many others would consider it too short. A prologue is an introduction to the story, which you gave, but normally they are expected to be... well, longer. I like how it takes place in the future of the fic itself, though. I'll give you that.

Quote:
Fire Eagle wore a black hat, a black necklace, a blue shirt, and black shorts.
So, this is his definate appearance? He goes through this story as a trainer for at least eleven years and he always wears the same shirt, shorts, hat, and necklace? This is really not a good way to describe your character in the story, either. Just coming out and saying what they wear/what they look like in the first paragraph makes it seem like you're reading a biography-page on Wikipedia or something. Why not describe him looking in the mirror that morning, or putting on his hat, or use another more creative means to let us know how he appears. Don't just tell your readers. Show them. Describe.

Quote:
His first pokemon he got from Professor Oak was a Squirtle, the water pokemon. Right after he got his Squirtle, he said goodbye to his mom and started walking to Route One.
You do realize how boring this is to read, right? This single sentence could have been made into even a whole chapter, full of lush detail describing the main character's excitement as he opens the Pokeball and sees his new Squirtle for the first time, the emotions of sadness when he bids his mother farewell, and a load of other things. We should be feeling Fire Eagle's emotions as you show us with your words what he is experiencing.

Not to mention, what does Squirtle look like? I cannot stress this enough while reviewing fanfics. So what if most readers will know all about Pokemon? Fanfiction should be written with the author imagining their readers as people completely unknowledgable about Pokemon (or whatever the fic is about). Meaning, think of how you would describe Squirtle's appearance to somebody who had no clue what a Squirtle, or any Pokemon for that matter, was? This makes the fic more interesting, believe it or not, because the reader can actually place themselves in the story and imagine what it would be like, even when it involves things they've never seen in reality before like blue turtles who posess water abilities.

Quote:
He was walking on Route One and he saw a Pidgey. Fire Eagle brought out his Squirtle to attack it.

The battle between Squirtle and Pidgey was done so Fire Eagle threw a pokeball at it and it was a complete catch.
Hold on. Where was the battle? Where was the action? You mean to tell us that you're just going to say "Pokemon A attacked Pokemon B and Fire Eagle captured Pokemon B" throughout the whole fic? That's not interesting at all! Why write a fic if you're not going to at least try to get readers to enjoy it? In Pokemon fanfiction, battles are the main part of the action. They're your chances to get the readers hooked and excited. You can't just skip over them and expect your story to get pleased reviews. And yet again, what does Pidgey look like?

Quote:
Fire Eagle continued forth on walking in Route One and he saw a man standing next to a tree. He spoke to the man and he gave Fire Eagle a Potion to heal his Pidgey. Fire Eagle healed his Pidgey and kept on walking.
So some complete stranger just gave Fire Eagle an item for no reason? Where's the conversation? There's something called dialogue that allows you to narrate conversations, in case you were wondering. It would have also been useful when Fire Eagle got his Squirtle from Prof. Oak and said goodbye to his mom. It's something that actually gives characters personality and makes them more fun to read about.

Quote:
He went inside a pokecenter to heal hsi pokemon until they were fully healed. He left the pokecenter and kept on walking with a map in his hand. He checked the map and he was about to enter the Viridian City Forest.
What was the "pokecenter" (Pokemon Center, it should be) like? How did his Pokemon get healed? How long did it take? Was anyone there to help him? As far as we know, he could have just walked in, sent out his Pokemon, and magically healed them himself before leaving.

Something else I noticed in your style of writing came up while I read this part. You need to keep in mind: This is a fanfic, not a diary of your playthrough of Fire Red/Leaf Green. A fanfic should be like a book. In a fanfic, you should let the readers know what Viridian City is like, how long he was there, if anything interesting happened, who he met while he was there, et cetera, et cetera. This is not at all descriptive as it should be.

Quote:
Inside the Viridian Forest, he was walking and spotted a Pikachu. He loved Pikachu in his earlier years so he captured it.
In a forest setting (which we have no image of in our minds right now), this kid sees a Pikachu. Before even telling us what a Pikachu looks like, and without any mention of a battle, he throws a Poke Ball and captures it. See the previous quotes for my reasons why this is such a big deal.

I think I'm gonna stop there, seeing as the rest of the chapter has pretty much the same problems. You need to remember to describe things. Don't expect us to know what everything is.

Also, what I noticed was that none of the characters have any personality whatsoever. What does Fire Eagle really act like? So far, all we can imply is that he's trusting enough to accept items from strangers, likes adventure apparently, and has always been interested in Pikachu. That's not enough to base a character off of, for sure. Is he determined? Shy? Naiive? Laid back? We have nothing to judge that by. Similarly, all of the Pokemon are complete Pokebots. A Pokebot is a Pokemon character in a fanfic that has no emotion or personality; it just does attacks when its trainer tells it to and is otherwise comepletely unimportant to the story. The fun thing about Pokemon fanfiction is that you have fantasy creatures you can give their own individuality. Right now, the only thing that makes Squirtlke/Wartortle different from Pidgey and/or Pikachu is that it uses different attacks and has a different Type. Where's the fun in that?

Don't write a list of events that happened in your playthrough of a game. That's not what fanfiction is about. If you don't like to show us emotion or give us vivid images, then perhaps fanfiction isn't for you. If you do want to attempt that, then I hope you'll take this review as constructive critisism and try to apply it to your fic.

I do want to apologize if any of that came off as rude. But, that's the way fanfictiohn works. If you don't want strict reviews, then don't post it online, no matter how good you think it is. As I said before, it would be great to see you reply with a positive attitude about it. This fic has potential simply because now the readers know by reading the prologue that this trainer will become a great leader. The way you get him there is what will decide how good the fic is, though.

Oh yeah, and don't forget to re-read your work! Go over it in a word processor, use spell check if you have it, and fix as many things as possible. Trust me, it's a hard task, but it makes your fic seem a lot better in the end.
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  #3    
Old June 12th, 2008, 04:21 AM
Ninja Caterpie's Avatar
Ninja Caterpie
Sitting by the back window
 
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Best City OCE
Age: 18
Gender: Male
Nature: Bold
Ouch....painful, the truth is...
Well reviewed iLike2EatPiez!
One thing he didn't mention was that your grammar was terrible.
Don't say "English isn't my first language!"
It isn't mine either. But we both live in English speaking countries. Enough said.
The chapter is too short...
Hmm...You changed the tense quite a bit there...

Quote:
Pewter City now has(this is present) a museum and a mining facility. Brock had(this is past) two jobs, a job as a security guard in the Pewter City museum and a miner in the Pewter City mining facility.
Don't say "If you don't like it, go away"
We don't like it but we WANT to like it.
So we help you (or try to).
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