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Old July 10th, 2008 (11:18 PM). Edited July 24th, 2008 by Buoysel.
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Buoysel Buoysel is offline
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Most of this is clean, but there will be graphic scenes ahead, so PG-13. This story does use some real life places and names, however it is purely fictional.

This is my first attempt at a Fan Fictional. Please let me know if you spot any errors, or if you have any concerns with the story.

--------------------

Chapter 1: First Day
Chapter 2: Aliens in the Cafeteria
Chapter 3: The Doctor Is In The House

This list is will be updated until the story is finished.
--------------------------------


This Is Home

Intro



Two months after tragically losing his mother in a freak accident, Taylor and his father moved to Los Alamos, New Mexico. Mr. Wilson, Taylor’s Father, found a job at Los Alamos Labs, a government contracted facility. Mr. Wilson was moved to a top secrete project. The stress of working on such a project, combined with long hours, and the loss of a family member, has stressed the father and son relationship to the breaking point.

It is the first day of Jr. High for Taylor, who is twelve.




Chapter 1: First Day




“Are you ready?” asked Mr. Wilson. The middle aged man was dressed in light-blue shirt that buttoned up in the front. He wore a pair of black slacks that came short of his neatly tied black dress shoes by a couple of millimeters. He wore a pair of black glasses back to their original position on his nose. His perfectly combed dark brown hair seemed to give him a professional appearance.

“Yeah, I think so. I hope so,” Taylor spoke nervously as he walked towards the passenger side of his dad’s dark blue Dodge Durango. He was dressed in a yellow tee-shirt. It had a small blue circular logo of some sorts on the upper part of the left chest area. His loose fitting blue jeans draped down over the top of his grey and black teeny shoes. He had a small black digital wrist watch on his right arm. The untamed blond hair seemed to go every which way, in what appeared to be a rebellion to the otherwise tidy looking child.



They opened the front door on either side and climbed in on the side at which they stood. Taylor climbed in and placed his orange and black backpack in the floorboard in between his feet. With his left hand he buckled the seatbelt with little though, it was almost instinct. He patiently waited for his father to start the vehicle and drive away.


His father climbed in the driver side and sat his stainless steel coffee cup down in the center console. He placed the keys in the ignition and turned them to the start position and held it there while the starter turned the engine. The engine roared to life, his father let go of the key and it snapped back into the on location. His father finished gathering himself in to the SUV. He pulled the door closed and reached for his seatbelt with his right hand in a similar fashion to Taylor.


They rode in silence to end of the block were Mr. Wilson stopped. They had reached the designated bus stop.


“Have a good day,” Mr. Wilson said, as Taylor opened the passenger door of the Durango.


“You too, with your new job and all,” Taylor said to his dad as he exited the SUV.


“I will, you be careful, don’t start any trouble. I can’t leave my new job until the end of the day, so you will be stuck at school if anything happens.”


Taylor was not the type of person to back down from bullies. He has been in a few fights, but all were defending himself.

A frown formed on MR. Wilson’s face. “I’m not joking,” he said in a stern voice.

“Why do you have to be such an ass?” Taylor was quick to reply in hateful tone. Taylor slammed the door and the SUV to show is discontent. He started to walk in the way they had just come.

Mr. Wilson’s annoyance tuned into anger, “What am I going to do with him?” he thought. He watched his son in the mirror as he walked away. “How can someone so close be so far away?” he wondered, his anger tuned to sorrow, he moved his foot off of the brake pedal and the vehicle inched forward. Mr. Wilson looked to the left and then turned right at the corner that was just a few feet from where he had stopped.

When Taylor heard the vehicle leaving, he turned to catch a glimpse of his dad and the Durango disappearing around the corner. He turned around and began to walk towards the corner. His self-esteem dropped a little more, “Why does my life have to suck so much?” he questioned himself.

He reached the corner and waited for the bus that was supposed to be coming by any minute now. He glanced at his watch to confirm that he was not too late. Impatiently waiting for the bus he looked to the north, were the vehicle would eventually come from. A thick blanket of fog rolled in from behind him as he turned to look to the south to make sure he had not missed the big yellow twinkie.


The fog made it extremely hard to see more than a few feet. Taylor was startled to see a light appear in the distance. It appeared to be originated by a pair of headlights from a car in the distance. The lights seemed to be moving very slowly in his direction. Several agonizing minutes had passed and the object had only come half as close as what it had first started. Taylor was now understandably afraid for his well being. As the object drew even nearer, he could not help but noticing that the light was not a pair of headlights. The light was being omitted by an orb. Taylor could not make out the exact size of the mysterious orb of light, because the light seemed to bounce off the moisture in the air. With every inch it grew nearer, it appeared to fade a little.


He heard the familiar noise of the diesel engine as it pulled the school bus along the road. He slightly turned his head to the right, but did not to let the light orb out of his view. He saw what he was hoping for, the headlights that belonged to the bus. He turned his full attention once again to the light orb. It must have heard the bus coming as well, because it had doubled in speed, but it also doubled the rate at which it disappeared. It was less than ten feet in front of him when it completely disappeared.


The occupants on the bus would have just been able to see the unexplained object if they had been a second earlier. The school bus came to a stop behind him. Taylor quickly turned around and briskly walked to the open door, and safety.


As he put his right foot on the first step he felt a short bust of a slight breeze that smelled of a forest. He dismissed the smell as nothing more than a hallucination.


“Are you okay?” the older male bus driver asked. “Your face is all pale. You look like you have seen a ghost.”


“I’m fine,” Taylor replied quickly. “I think,” he added under his breath, as he sat down in the first seat that was available behind the driver. The doors on the bus closed, and the large yellow vehicle left the scene of the incident.


And with that, he was on his way to school for the first day.

-----------

Please leave feedback. Thanks for reading.
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Old July 11th, 2008 (09:38 PM).
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Hello! Just happened to click on your story, and found it intriguing, so I will review it.

I'll start with the good.

First of all, I really liked your description. I can imagine the scenes quite well, and it was straight to the point - not a lot of flowery language, which in this case I do not believe is a bad thing as it was unnecessary.

I also liked the little bit of humor you added. Probably my favorite line was "missed the big yellow twinkie." =P

In addition, I did not find any grammar errors, which is a good sign.

Now for criticism.

I think you could have had a better opening, something that grabbed the attention of the reader. Starting with the orbs, for instance may have been more of an attention getter.

This is not really criticism as much as it is a question, but, is there going to be Pokemon in this fiction? It was kinda weird that Pokemon were not mentioned or referenced at all.

Anyway, overall it is pretty good. I'd like to see where this fic is headed.
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Old July 12th, 2008 (09:53 AM).
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Quote:
I also liked the little bit of humor you added. Probably my favorite line was "missed the big yellow twinkie." =P
I was not even tiring to be funny, but that is what the students called it once a field trip, so now it's stuck with me.


Quote:
I think you could have had a better opening, something that grabbed the attention of the reader. Starting with the orbs, for instance may have been more of an attention getter.
I agree, but I had to introduce the father, as he will be important later.

Quote:
This is not really criticism as much as it is a question, but, is there going to be Pokemon in this fiction? It was kinda weird that Pokemon were not mentioned or referenced at all.
What do you think the orb was? And there will be one actually describe in the next chapter and will become more of a common sight in chapter 3.


Thank you for the read. I think you will really like the next chapter, which is where it really gets interesting. I will post the next chapter around midnight tonight
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Old July 12th, 2008 (04:13 PM). Edited September 4th, 2008 by Buoysel.
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I changed my mind; I decided to post the next chapter now.

Thanks to txteclipse for beta reading.
--------------
Chapter 2
Aliens in the Cafeteria

Taylor rode the school bus for fifteen minutes to Los Alamos Jr. High. The bus ride to school could not have been more boring. He sat three seats back from the driver. The bus was almost full, but there were no students his age. Some of the students in the back were talking loudly to each other: they appeared to be in high school. The rest of the children on the bus were very young, probably in first grade. There was nothing to do but read this book that his dad had given him. It was his father’s favorite book when he was in middle school; Taylor had read two pages, and he was not liking it so far.

Finally, the bus pulled in the parking lot and stopped in front of the main entrance. The driver turned off the engine and opened the door. “This is where you get off,” he informed the students followed by a chuckle. “I will be here at 3:05, so don’t be late. You,” he pointed a long skinny finger at Taylor, “please stay on the bus. I need to talk to you.”

“Great,” Taylor thought as he put the book in his pack. All of the students got off the bus, and Taylor was left alone with the driver. He sat nervously wondering what had caused the man to hold him back. After a brief silence the bus driver motioned for Taylor to come to the front. Taylor was almost shaking with fear. “Nerves of steel,” Taylor reassured himself. However, his "nerves of steel" felt more like nerves of small wooden tooth picks. He cautiously approached the front of the bus. “Yes?” He broke the silence in a low tone.

“Are you sure you’re okay? I haven’t seen anyone as scared as you were back there since World War Two.”

Taylor's initial worry was dispelled by the man's friendliness. “Yeah I’m fine. Just, first day jitters I guess.”

The old man could see through his lie. “Okay, well if you need anything you know where you can find me.”

Taylor appreciated the driver's concern, even though he was an almost complete stranger. “Thank you,” he spoke softly. He waited at the front of the bus motionless, unsure what to do next. After a sort pause, Taylor started to walk off the bus. He didn’t hear any objection from behind him, so he continued.

Red bricks made up the exterior of the school building. A few trees were being allowed to grow up in between the front of the building and the parking lot. "Los Alamos Jr. High" was spelled across the front, over the doors, in large, golden-rusty letters. At the front of the school different clicks were scattered all over. This school had more students than Taylor realized. He wandered though the crowds trying to make his way into the building. He could hear the students talking about different games, cars, and occasionally girls. None of these spiked his interest, so he continued on.

Taylor had finally made it to the door when a boy that was much taller than him stepped in his way. Taylor had been looking at the ground, so he noticed a dark brown pair of boots first. Above the boots was a black pair of baggy jeans. The top of the jeans were covered by a black tee-shirt that had a rather large white skull on the front. Taylor at last noted that the boy had uncombed black hair, was a little over weight and was trying to be intimidating.

At that moment, as if on cue, the principal walked out the front door. Thinning light-brown hair and wrinkled skin showed his age. He was wearing a dark-brown suit complemented with the same color shoes. “Morning,” he said with a chipper tone as he passed the two students. They both murmured a reply. Taking full advantage of the principal’s presence, Taylor slipped by the would-be-bully with little protest from him.

Taylor reached for the silver-ish looking handle to the blue metal door leading into the school, and hesitated for a second. With a deep inhale, he pulled the door outward, a blast of air-conditioned environment rush from its imprisonment as the door swung from its resting place.

Taylor looked right then left. “I think the cafeteria is... this way.” He turned to the right and headed down the hall.

At the end of the hall, though a pair of open double doors, was the eating hall. Directly in front of him was the concession stand. He figured he could use something to drink, so he walked over to it. As he was walking over he noticed that most of the students had gathered in the far corner: there was a small line that waited to be served. He walked over and stood at the back of the line. To his left was a wall, so he looked to his right. Semi-glossy black tables were scatted in some sort of pattern that he couldn't figure out. The room was in the shape of a large rectangle: white walls, ceiling, and floor gave it a very boring look.

“Can I help you?” A scraggly female voice came from the other side of the counter.

Taylor snapped back to reality and looked back in front of him. “Um...yes,” he said as he took a step forward, "I’ll take a bottle of water and a granola bar.”

“That’ll be a dollar fifty.” She turned around and grabbed a granola bar and a bottle of water and returned to the counter were Taylor was waiting with two dollar bills. The lady behind the counter took to two dollars gave him his items and change.

“Can I help you?” She asked the next student in line.

Taylor crammed the newly acquired items in his bag and left the concession stand. He took a quick glance around the room, and decided on the table by the door in which he had entered. He quickly made his way over to vacant table and sat down with his back to the wall.

He removed his father’s book from the backpack and opened it up. It wasn’t at the top of his list of things to do today, but it was the best thing he could come up with for now.

“Hey,” shouted a voice from across the cafeteria.

Taylor looked up and saw that it was the kid from outside that he had narrowly escaped contact with. “Aw crap,” Taylor though as the boy walked toward him. He looked back down at the book he was reading, hoping not to have any problems.

The young man stopped when he reached the table at which Taylor sat reading. “What you got there?” the bully asked as he ripped the book from Taylor’s hands.

Taylor stood up. He didn’t even come up to the bully’s neck. “Hey that’s mine! Give it back,” he demanded. He could fell his body temperate rising, as the first shot of adrenalin rushed though his veins. His heart rate doubled.

“Ugh, these people piss me off. They think they're so bad ass, I wish I could...wait...that smell,” though Taylor.

“Oh, so you like--” the bully had begun to say, but his words abruptly stopped. His look of authority was replaced by one of fear: his mouth dropped, and so did the book. The boy turned around and began running away screaming in terror.

“What?” Taylor allowed himself to speak aloud. He wasn’t looking for a fight, but he was expecting one. He was not that scary looking, not to mention he was a lot smaller than the other guy. He looked down to where the book fell. It landed on the floor just out of sight, under the edge of the table.

In the reflection of the table he saw himself. He did not understand why the other had run away. Not that he was complaining, but it still puzzled him. As he was walking around the table to pick up his book, he noticed something in the reflection on the table.

Floating Just above and behind him was a strange little creature. The only thing he could tell about it through the reflection was that it had a small body, a long tail, and appeared to be white or a very light-pink. Startled by the reflection, he twisted around. There was nothing.

Thinking that he had completely lost his mind, he returned to his current task of picking up his fallen book.

“Don’t get in trouble,” commanded a mysterious feminine voice. It didn’t sound like it was coming from anywhere in particular.

The now completely confused Taylor looked around for the source of the voice. He could not see it. No one in else in the cafeteria looked concerned. They were all busy chatting amongst themselves.

“Great, not only have I seen a UFO, but now there are little space men following me around,” thought Taylor sarcastically. “Just what I need. My first day of Jr. high, and I’m going insane.”

“What’s a space men?” asked the same voice.

Taylor stopped dead in his tracks. “Wh..what was that?” he quietly spoke.

“You thought you were being followed by space men. I don’t see any, unless that big human was one.” The voice was very clear, as if the source was standing right next to him.

Taylor was now completely terrified from the lack of source for the voice. He turned around in a complete circle to make sure he was not missing anyone. He began to tremble with fear. Thoughts of himself being hauled away to the loony bin started surfacing in his mind.

“How did you know, what I was thinking?” inquired Taylor.

“I can hear your thoughts.”

“You can what?”

“I said I can hear your thoughts.”

“They're my thoughts,” he said quietly, in an attempt to control his outrage. Taylor was not pleased with the idea of someone in his brain.

“You should guard them better then.”

“Just stop listening to my thoughts!” Taylor yelled.

The once noisy room became very quite. Everyone’s attention turned to Taylor, who stood off to the side of the table where he was sitting not too long ago.

“What’s an idiot?”

“Why?”

“Because just about everyone over there thinks you’re one,” announced the voice in its usual happy tone.

“What makes you think that?” Taylor rudely asked.

“I can hear their thoughts as well.”

Taylor froze in his current position and turned to look at the sea of faces. The moment he was sure they were looking at him, his face turned bright red. Taylor was totally embarrassed. He must look like an idiot talking to himself, or whatever kept talking to him.

Then he saw a man dressed in black slacks and a white and blue plaid tucked in tee-shirt walking toward him. Mr. Matta, one of the teachers he had met at new student orientation. The other students had noticed the teacher too, as they had returned to what they were doing.

Taking advantage of no one looking at him, Taylor quickly grabbed his book and backpack. He placed the book bag and slid one of the straps onto his shoulder.

“Are you okay?” Mr. Matta’s voice sounded concerned.

Taylor turned to face him. “No. I’m not. I’m being followed by aliens, and they're listening to my thoughts,” he said quite rudely, trying to make the point that he was having a bad day.

Mr. Matta was clearly not expecting this for an answer. His face of concern was replaced by one of shock. “Um…,” Mr. Matta was unsure how to continue the conversation.

“I’ve got to go,” Taylor told him, and walked quickly out of the cafeteria before he had the chance to raise an objection.

****

“This day is sucking so badly,” mumbled Taylor as he walked around a corner, “and school has not even started yet.”

Fawn colored lockers line the maroon hued halls. The halls had been packed not too long ago, but now they were completely bare.

“What are you going to do now?”

“Aww, not that voice again!” He complained as he stopped and looked around. “I’m still hallucinating,” he though as he continued walking in the way he was going.

“I’m not imaginary,” replied the voice.

“Great. Now I’m trying to convince myself that the voice I am hearing is real.”

“I’ll prove it.”

Before Taylor could think of a reply a small light-pink body appeared. It was floating in front of him. Taylor almost fell backwards at the sudden appearance of the creature.

Two big, blue eyes stared back at him. The little animal-like creature had two small arms, long, narrow feet, and a tail that was nearly twice its length.

“Now do you believe me?” asked the little pink being. She turned her head to look in the direction Taylor was walking and then disappeared.

Taylor was dumbfounded, not sure if he was seeing things again he raised his hand up to where the little animal had been. He moved his arm back and forth to see if he could feel anything.

“Watch it! You almost hit me,” the voice was a little agitated.

“Sorry.”

“So, seeing isn’t believing?”

“No, I think I’m still hallucinating.”

“Wait until this person passes and then I will show you I am real.”

“Who?”
The bully came around a corner that was about fifty feet in front of Taylor. He took two steps before realizing that Taylor was standing in the hall. His face took on a twisted look of terror. He turned around and started running away shouting “It’s your hall, I don’t want it!”


Taylor let out a sigh of relief, “I thought I was done for.”

He heard the little animal giggling, but not in his mind.

“What is so funny?”

“I just remembered him from the other room.” She continued to laugh a little, “He was so easy to scare, the weak minded are so fun.”

“Weak minded? What do you mean? What did you do to him?” Taylor’s voice showed that he was a little troubled with the thought of her messing with people’s minds. He continued to walk in the same direction.

She reappeared by his side. “Don’t worry, all I did was make him think that you were scary.” She paused for a second, “Don’t fret, I can’t do it to you.”

Taylor was a little relieved and curious at the same time. “Why not?”

“Your mind is too strong, I’ve already tried.”

“What!?” He was not pleased that she had tried to mess with his mind.

“Don’t worry, it’s all part of the…” She caught herself before going on, “Oops.”

“What?”

“Nothing, it’s nothing.”

“Okay, well who or what are you?” Taylor asked as they rounded another corner to expose yet another empty hall.

“I suppose I could let you know that.” After a brief pause she continued, “I am a Pok…”

Her words were interrupted when the fire alarm went off. Taylor stopped and looked behind him. Nothing he turned around to go and find an exit when an explosion rocked the cafeteria. The shock wave form the explosion threw Taylor into the lockers that were in front of him.

His body made a large dent in the metal doors. He fell backwards on to the solid tile, hitting his head quite hard. As consciousness was slipping from his grasp, he saw the little alien floating above him.

“Oh dear,” she said. A pink ball of light appeared around her. It grew to include him on the floor.

Taylor’s thoughts faded away as he heard another explosion.
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Old July 13th, 2008 (09:45 PM).
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Hello again. I liked this chapter better than the last- funnier and definitely more interesting! Good character development, and even though lots of people don't like stories with
Spoiler:
Mew because it is so overused, I love Mew!!! (and happen to be writing a story about one myself)


I didn't love the bully (well who would?); he was pretty cliche.

Anyway, other stuff...

Quote:
“What’s an idiot?”

“Why?”

“Because just about everyone over there thinks you’re one,” announced the voice in its usual happy tone.
=D That one was my favorite!

There were more errors than the last chapter however...

Quote:
Taylor reached for the silver-ish looking handle to the blue metal door leading into the school, and hesitated for a second. With a deep inhale, he pulled the door outward, a blast of air-conditioned environment rush from its imprisonment as the door swung from its resting place.

Taylor reached for the silver-ish looking handle to the blue metal door. He heisted for a second and with a deep inhale he pulled the door outward. He felt the blast of air-conditioning rush out as the door swung open. He walked though to find more students. The door closed behind him with a solid thud.
I think you meant to edit out one of those paragraphs, but never did.

Quote:
Taylor looked right then left. “I think the cafeteria is; this way.” He turned to the right and headed down the hall.
The ; is kind of weird. If it is supposed to be a pause, maybe a dash would work better in this situation.

Quote:
She turned around and grabbed a granola bar a bottle of water and returned to the counter were Taylor was waiting with two dollar bills.
It should be "grabbed a granola bar and a bottle of water and then returned"

Quote:
The lady behind the counter took to two dollars gave him his items, and change.
No need for the comma.

Quote:
Taylor looked up and saw that it was the kid from outside that he had narrowly escaped contact with. “Aw crap,” Taylor though as boy walked toward him. He looked back down at the book he was reading, hoping not to have any problems.
Should be "the boy walked"

Quote:
“You thought you were being followed by space men. I don’t see any, unless that big was one.” The voice was very clear, as if the source was standing right next to him.
The "big one (or human or person) was one"

Quote:
Don’t worry, it’s all part of the…” She caught herself before going on, “Ops.”
Did you mean Oops?


Overall, good story. I'll definitely keep reading it. I will suggest to you what someone suggested to me when I started writing fic- wait a bit longer between chapters. Give it some time- there will be less grammar errors and more time to write. Releasing a chapter every 1-2 weeks is usually a pretty good length of time to wait.

Keep up the good writing!
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Old July 13th, 2008 (10:23 PM).
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Quote originally posted by delongbi:
Mew because it is so overused
She is only a supporting character I say she cause it is just weird trying to describe a voice as genderless.

Quote:
I didn't love the bully (well who would?); he was pretty cliche.
I don’t think he will appear again.


Quote:
wait a bit longer between chapters.
I would of except that the first chapter sat in the writers lounge for a couple of weeks. The third chapter is not quite done yet so don’t worry.

The scene in this chapter made me chuckle but a scene in the next chapter actually made me lol, I hope you like it when it comes out.

Thanks, will get those fixed
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Old July 15th, 2008 (02:38 PM).
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After thinking for a while, I wrote an intro and cut the first scene form the story. I also change the name of the school to Los Alamos Jr. High.
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Old July 16th, 2008 (04:20 PM).
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Quote originally posted by delongbi:
I think you could have had a better opening, something that grabbed the attention of the reader. Starting with the orbs, for instance may have been more of an attention getter.
I have been thinking heavily about this, I have halfway written a new first chapter that is basically chapter 3, and 1 and 2 will be a memory recall later, when his memory comes back.

But is the main character waking up with amnesia to much of a cliché?
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Old July 16th, 2008 (05:17 PM).
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But is the main character waking up with amnesia to much of a cliché?
I've seen it done before. Kingdom Hearts is a good example. The reasons for said memory loss you gave me in your PM sound reasonable, but make sure they work correctly and aren't there just for the sake of having the memory loss happen.

What I mean is that the reasons for the memory loss need to be as substantial as the memory loss itself. If the memory loss plays a huge role, then the reason needs to be very good and very developed. If you're confident that you can pull it off, I say go for it.
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Old July 16th, 2008 (05:22 PM).
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Quote originally posted by txteclipse:
I've seen it done before. Kingdom Hearts is a good example. The reasons for said memory loss you gave me in your PM sound reasonable, but make sure they work correctly and aren't there just for the sake of having the memory loss happen.

What I mean is that the reasons for the memory loss need to be as substantial as the memory loss itself. If the memory loss plays a huge role, then the reason needs to be very good and very developed. If you're confident that you can pull it off, I say go for it.
Let me think it over, and write a couple of chapters or the basic plot, again. If I like it I will change it if not well then I will leave it and continue form where I left off.
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Old July 16th, 2008 (05:53 PM).
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I really like your story so far.
I don't read a lot of fan-fiction, so I can't really critique your work...
I wish you luck on the rest of your story. I'll check this thread often to see when you update.
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Old July 16th, 2008 (07:50 PM).
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delongbi delongbi is offline
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I have been thinking heavily about this, I have halfway written a new first chapter that is basically chapter 3, and 1 and 2 will be a memory recall later, when his memory comes back.

But is the main character waking up with amnesia to much of a cliché?
I don't know how you are setting this up exactly, but you could make it a flashback. Some authors put flashbacks in ittalics or just write "he remembered..."

Or I suppose he could hit his head or something. Whatever it is you choose to do, be careful that it flows!
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Old July 22nd, 2008 (07:26 PM).
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I can't believe I forgot to read this until now, sorry!

I really liked it, your story really stands out from the majority of fics I've read. I'd say the strongest point was the dialogue, especially between Mew the hovering pink creature and Taylor. I haven't heard of a Mew that could speak with humans telepathically, but whatever works!

I must have been having too much fun reading it, because I found no mistakes. As I see it, you've got a solid beginning and a great protagonist, I can't wait to read more!
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Old July 23rd, 2008 (05:00 AM).
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Thanks, Mew, I mean the little pink creature's powers are not fully known, even in the anime. Since Mewtwo was cloned form her it (genderless voice is too hard to enplane, not to mention it is just to creepy) can use it so why not. I will be able to work on the next chapter starting tomorrow; I had to stop midway though for the finals (stupid college).
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Old July 24th, 2008 (06:56 PM).
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Hehehe, I like this story already. I don't read many "real world-Pokeworld crossovers" since there are a lot of noobish ones out there, but I can safely say that this one isn't noobish at all.

You don't have many grammar problems, just a few here and there (which another reviewer already got ), and your writing style itself is pretty nice. You've got a good amount of description for the pacing, and the events flow nicely. Everything is specific enough that I can accurately envision what's happening.

The plot is, well, in-progress, so I can't say much about it. ;

I like your characters, though. Taylor seemed like a fairly normal and realistic kid, the bus driver came across as a genuinely nice guy, and the bully was a jerk. Delongbi brought up a point about Mew being overused, and I partially agree. However, the 'overused' Mew is the one that floats around mysteriously, gives somebody a magical power, then is never seen again. Mew with a personality never gets old - part of the reason that the "Legendary Interaction" genre is so popular on FFnet.

I've got my eye on this fic. Hope to read more soon~

PS - BTW, I love your avvie. xD
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Old July 24th, 2008 (09:31 PM).
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Quote originally posted by Aqua059:
Hehehe, I like this story already. I don't read many "real world-Pokeworld crossovers" since there are a lot of noobish ones out there, but I can safely say that this one isn't noobish at all.
realy,thats cool, i have gotten better since the idea hit me like a brick wall to start writing.

when i read over the fist two chapters again i cry inside.


Quote:
The plot is, well, in-progress, so I can't say much about it. ;
actually the plot is complete, in my head.

Quote:

I've got my eye on this fic. Hope to read more soon~

PS - BTW, I love your avvie. xD
you will be, next chapter will be out in a week tops, and avvie? do you mean avatar?
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Old August 2nd, 2008 (10:12 PM). Edited August 8th, 2008 by Buoysel.
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Long chapter.

-----------


Chapter 3:
The Doctor is in the House


“But Mew! How do we know we can even trust this human?” asked a shadowy figure.

Mew was in the middle of a circle of in the center of a clearing. She was surrounded by shadowy figures; each one a different size and shape.

“You don’t have to trust him,” answered Mew in her semi-high pitched voice, “but you will keep him here,” she said in a stern voice, letting her authority show.

“What are we supposed to do with it?”asked the same voice after a short pause.

“Take care of him. If he meets your expectations, partner him with someone.” Mew turned her back on the leader of the gathered members. “Do not harm him, or you’ll have me to answer too,” she added to everyone around her. Her body took on a white light that illumined the dark and then she and the light disappeared.

“Well…what are we going to do?” a different but equally shadowy figure questioned.

“What choice do we have?” The first one replied. “I hate the fact that she can teleport,” he added.

“I know, but it is a good way to get her point across.,” added a third figure.

****

Taylor felt a warm wet tongue on his face as an animal licked him several times. His thoughts returned to him. He suddenly remembered the blast.

Fearing for his life, he attempted to get up. He let out a cry as pain pulsed though his body. He was forced to lay there as the soreness intensified while he became more and more aware of his surroundings. Slowly opening his eyes he saw nothing but black. He made another attempt to get to his feet, but was forced back down when he could no longer stand the discomfort of his injuries.

A dog-like whine came from the animal that had licked him. “Rescue dogs?” though Taylor as he lay there helplessly. “Maybe, it wasn’t a dream…” The throbbing pain forced Taylor’s mind back into a dark oblivion.

The dog gently nudged his cheek, and gave a short low bark, telling the boy to hang on. The rhythm of its footsteps were only heard for a second, as the dog ran off.



****

“Mia, what do you mean you found somebody?” Alva asked the large, orange, dog like Pokémon as he sat up on the make shift bed of leaves. He noticed that it was still dark outside.

The Pokémon was standing over him. “Come oooon,” she half pleaded and half ordered while began to nervously prance around the room as the human stood up. “A human, in the forest,” she continued

The dog had a white lion like mane. Unlike the lion, her chest and tail were covered in the same color fur that covered her mane. It flowed through the wind as she briskly paced the room. The black stripes on her orange body were a blur as she moved.

Alva jumped to the pile of clothes on the floor. “A human!? Where?”

“In the forest, come, you see.” The Pokémon bolted from the room thought the door pushing the leather sheet that coved it out of the way.

“Arcanine wait!” he called as he fumbled with the pants, trying to find the leg opening.

Alva was buttoning the dark brown cargo pants when Mia poked her head through the door. “Slow human,” she rushed, “He not good, hurry.”

“What do you mean, not good?” Alva asked the canine as he pulled the black tee-shirt over his torso.

“He injured, bad, now let’s go!” she commanded as she pulled her head form the room.

“Be nice,” Alva complained as he exited the room. He estimated that it was still early morning by the position of the stars. Seeing only by moonlight, he noticed Mia lying right in front of him.

“Get on,” she ordered in her own tongue. Alva understood exactly what she said and swung one leg over her body.

“I said be nice,” he complained again while he settled himself on Mia’s back.

“I know I know, he really bad, and you take forever.” She got to her feet and headed north as fast as she could. Alva’s untamed black hair was whipped by the wind as the scenery rushed by them.

****

Taylor thoughts retuned to him once again when he heard a twig snap, and a low growl in the distance. He opened his eyes and saw the outline of two figures in the forest. It appeared to be a short fat horse, and someone riding it.

He closed his eyes and then quickly opened them when it occurred to him what he had seen. “A horse?” he thought aloud. The two came into the clearing that Taylor lay in. He could see that a young man was riding the animal that actually appeared to be a really big dog.

“Arcanine, you really did find someone!” Alva slid off the side of Mia and ran over to the semi-conscious child laying middle of the clearing. “Are you alright?” he asked as he gently rolled the boy over on his back.

Taylor let out a scream of pain. Alva jumped back at the sudden outburst. “I’m not going to hurt you.” He tried to calm the blaring boy.

“Ooww!! My back, my back!” Taylor screamed. “It burns,” he cried as he rolled back over on to his stomach. The pain and physical exhaustion forced him to lose his grip on conscious once again.

After Taylor stopped making noise, Alva walked over to Taylor and lifted his blacked yellow tee-shirt. He exposed an awful burn that covered his neck and the top of his back. He very carefully removed the shirt from Taylor.

“Arcanine, would you be willing to carry him back to our house?”

“Yes,” she happily replied in her own language. The Arcanine moved next to the boy and lay down.

Alva was very careful as not to further cause the youngster any pain. He slid the adolescent on to Mia’s back. Taylor’s arms and legs draped on either side of Mia as she stood up.

“Come on,” announced Alva to his partner as he grabbed the backpack and the tee-shirt off the ground. “We need to get out of here before someone discovers that there is a human around, or worse two.”

With Taylor on Mia’s back, Alva was forced to walk alongside the two. By the time they had made it to the house, the sun had risen high in the sky.

Alva carefully slid Taylor off of the large dog and on to his makeshift bed. “Mia,” he asked, the dog cocked her head to the right, “can you go get us a bunch of Rawst berries?”

Without giving a response, she turned and sparing from the room, happy to run after such a long slow walk. He just finished settling the unconscious Taylor when Mai bust into the room almost toppling Alva on to Taylor’s back.

“Calm down! You could have hurt us both,” Alva scolded the over grown puppy.

“I sorry,” she hung her head and went to place the Rawst tree on the ground. The soil around the roots was still moist. She had simply ripped the plant out of the ground. “Uh, Alva?” she questioned, ashamed of herself. “The stick, it stuck, I bit too hard.”

“What?” he inquired as he turned to face her.

“The stick, it stuck in my teeth. I was too happy and bit too hard,” she let her body drop in embarrassment. She used her forepaw trying to dislodge the stuck plant, but with no luck.

“Come here,” Alva said, annoyed by the canine’s bad timing.

She crawled on her belly not wanting to actually get up. Alva moved to meet her in the middle between the bed and the door. She opened her mouth to allow Alva to have access to the wedged plant. He pulled on the small tree in an attempt to relive the Pokémon of its predicament. No matter how hard or which way he pulled, he could not dislodge the plant. Grunts form the human exerting himself, and yelps of pain from the dog, disrupted Taylor’s deep slumber.

Taylor lazily opened his eyes. The first thing he was aware of was the fact that he lay on his stomach. He soon became more aware of his surroundings. He saw his backpack and tee-shirt in the corner by the door of what appeared to be an earthen chamber. He was lying on a bed of leaves that was in another corner. On the opposite side of the room was a fire pit that had a small fire to served as the light inside.

Taylor gasped in shock when his saw the giant orange dog. The two in the middle of the room stopped fighting and turned to the boy who was now sitting up, and clutching his right arm.

“Ah, so you’re finally up human.” Alva spoke after a brief awkward silence. He removed his hands from Mia’s mouth and stood up.

“Please don’t eat me,” pleaded Taylor as he nervously looked at the Pokémon.

Alva let out a chuckle “She won’t eat you,” he assured the frighten Taylor. Mia resumed her losing battle with the small flowering shrub.

“How can I trust you? I don’t even know where I am. For all I know you kidnapped me.” Taylor questioned his would-be-captors.

“If we were going to hurt you, don’t you think we would have done something by now, seeing as you’ve been out for hours now?”

“How long have I’ve I been out?” Taylor asked as he looked at his watch. Part of the strap had melted and all of the digits were lit up. “Stupid thing,” he commented as he pulled on the Velcro strap. It disintegrated in his hand. “That’s just great. Do you know what time it is?”

“No. My watch has not worked in a year.”

“Can you at least tell me where I am at?”

“You’re in my house.”

“And where would that be?”

Alva pondered this for a moment. He opened his mouth to speak but words never came out. He closed it again and looked down, searching for something.

“Well?”

A light ball formed in the middle of the room. All of the occupants in the room had to shield their eyes because the light was so bright. The light faded and Mew was floating in between Taylor and Alva.

Mew waited for Alva’s eyes to adjust. “Alva, have you..”

“Mew how many time have I asked you to knock before you come in?”

“Oh, right.” Her body turned to a white light and disappeared. About a second later a light knock could be heard from outside near the door.

“You can come in Mew.”

Again a white light shaped like mew appeared in the center of the room. The light faded and mew was left floating in the exact same spot that she was in earlier.

“Alva, have you seen a human around? I left him in the…”

“You mean that human?” Alva pointed towards Taylor as he interrupted her.

Mew twisted her head around and sees Taylor sitting in the corner with a blank stare plastered on his face. “Oh I thought I had lost you!” she exclaimed as she flew over to him. Mew was so excited to see Taylor that she nearly knocked him over as she tried hug him by wrapping her tiny little arms around his neck.

Taylor was still a little too shaken up to make a noise. His brain was trying to process what had happened what was going on, and what would happen. His mind was simply too overloaded to think about Mew right now. He let out a small cry as the signal of pain rushed through his nerves. Mew’s soft velvet like fur was not gentle enough in her excitement.

“Oh yeah, watch his injuries,” Alva warned Mew.

“Injuries!?” She questioned as she floated back a little to see his whole body. Then Mew quickly flew over to Alva, stopping right in front of his face. “What did you do to him?” Her voice was filled with anger.

“Whoa, calm down, I found him like that.” Alva pleaded confidently.

“Oh,” she said in relief, as she put a little distance between her and Alva’s face.

“Which reminds me,” Alva said as he turned towards Mai. She was still fighting with the stick behind him. “Arcanine, are you done playing? I need those berries.”

“My,” Mew said in astonishment, “how you’ve grown Arcanine.”

A low growl came from deep in Mai’s throat as she chomped down on the Rawst plant. The small tree splintered into several pieces and fell out of her mouth.

“Why didn’t you just do that earlier?” Alva asked

A short yap was his reply as she picked up the part of the plant with the berries attached. This time she was careful not to bite too hard. She stood up walked over to Alva who was slightly taller than her.

Alva plucked some of the berries form the injured plant and gave a few of them to Taylor. ”Eat,” he said as he walked over and grabbed a bowl that was to the sitting next to the fireplace. Alva placed the rest of the berries in the bowl and walked outside.

Mew turned toward Taylor who was sitting on the bed with blank stare. “Well, didn’t you hear him? Eat.”

Taylor was pulled back into reality when Mew spoke. He slowly brought the berry to his mouth. It looked like a blue strawberry; the taste on the other hand was something that he had never experienced. Taylor was anticipating a sweet juicy berry. When the tartness hit his tongue, he spit the little piece of berry out. Both Mew and Mia’s gaze flowed the sliver of blue on its collision course to the ground.

“That bad?” quested Mew.

“Yes, I mean no… I mean…I wasn’t expecting it to be bitter.” Taylor finally confessed. He brought the rest of the berry he held in his hand to his mouth and took another bite. He made a face that showed the bitterness of the berry. This time he managed to swallow the bite. With new found confidence he bit off the rest of the berry, leaving a little sliver of blue attached to green leaves in his hand. “What am I supposed to do with this?” he held up the remains of the berry towards Mew, who was hovering in about five feet away from him.

She looked curiously at him. “What’s wrong with it?”

"Nothing, you just don’t normally eat this part.”

“I usually do,” Mew corrected him “How do you know what I normally do?”

“Not you, as in you personally, but… you as in me,” he stumbled over his words trying to search for the right phrase. He brought the berry closer to his face to look it over again.

Mew cocked her head to one side. “I don’t understand what you are trying to say,” she admitted.

“I mean that I don’t normally eat this part,” he held the berry up once again, and turned his head to face Mew.

"Well maybe you should," said Mew.

Taylor had never thought of this, as he looked at the berry at hand. He reluctantly got the berry back to his mouth. He opened his lips with just enough clearance for the berry. The sweetness of the berry was overpowered by the dryness of the leaves. Taylor found it to be of an interesting taste with the leaves. He now did not know why he had never eaten the leaves with the berry before.

Seeing the look on Taylor's face changed from one of uncertainty to one of content, a small smile grew on Mew's catlike face. Mew turned around to look at Mia who was staring at Taylor with the curiosity of a small child. "Arcanine why don't you go find him? He may need your help." Mia I stood up and trotted from the room with little protest.

"What is she? She looks like a dog, but I have never seen one that big before?" Taylor questioned in astonishment.

"She is an Arcanine."

"An Arcanine?" Taylor said in wonder, "I have never seen or heard one of them before."

Mew couldn't think of anything to say, she stared at the ground in front of Taylor searching for an answer that would sound... logical. Taylor saw Mew’s puzzlement and decided it best to wait until she answered one question to ask another.

"I…" she looked up, she locked eyes with Taylor, "don't know how to answer that question. Alva may be able to answer that better. You should wait until he returns." She turned her back to Taylor, in defeat.

"Why can’t you?"

"I don’t know how to say it so you would understand.." She moved away from Taylor, her head hung low. She floated down to the ground near the fire place. She stared in to the fire as she sat on the ground.

"Why not?"

When no answer came, Taylor figured he should wait, for him. Maybe he would be able to answer his questions. Thirty minutes had passed, and not a word had been spoken. Taylor stared at Mew's back. He wondered what she was, but was afraid to ask. It seemed that with every question he asked her, she became more troubled. He sat there wondering what to do next. He had no choice, but to wait.

An orangeish light poured in the door when the leather strap was pulled back. Alva stepped into the room with Mai tagging along at his right side. There was a grin on Alva’s face that was immediately wiped away when he saw Taylor. Taylor sat cross legged on Alva’s bed, holding his right arm close to his body. He sat there staring at the ground.

“What’s wrong with your arm?” Alva broke the silence. Mew and Taylor jumped at the sound of Alva’s voice.

“I,” Taylor looked down at his arm, “am not sure; it hurts badly when I move it. It’s the same arm that got hurt when…” he stopped taking and dropped his head. Mew and Mai could fell him become depressed. The each moved toward him, but was unsure how they would help in the situation so they stopped and did not attempted to move forward again. “Let’s just say I hurt it a couple of months ago,” Taylor was finally able to muster the words out. A silent tear rolled down his cheek. He wiped it away with his left wrist. A small black streak was left on his face as he moved his arm back to its original location.

Alva stood at the door, he glanced over toward Mew, and she him. Alva looked back at the boy sitting on his bed. He was so sad, but there was nothing he could do, “I can’t help him if I don’t know what happened,” he thought to himself. Sensing Alva’s disappointment, Mai gently nudged Alva’s right arm. He looked over the Pokémon who stared back at him with compassionate eyes.

Mia spilled a short yap. Taylor had no idea what it meant, but Alva heard, “In time my friend.”

Alva gave a nod to Mai and turned toward Taylor who was still staring at the ground. Aided by gravity a few more tears had made their way down his cheeks. “Here, we need to stick this on your burns.” He held up the bowl that now contained a mud like putty.

Taylor looked up to Alva who stood on the other side of the room. Alva slowly walked toward him and set the bowl on the ground. “We need to put this on your wounds, and eat this,”. Alva handed him another berry.

This berry was also blue, but was much harder and resembled a marble with pits on the surface. He took a small bite not knowing what to expect. A mix of flavors spread around his mouth. It was not too sweet, bitter, or dry; it was just right. The taste was very appealing to Taylor; he quickly gobbled the rest of the small berry down. “Where did it go?” he though. He looked down and saw some blue juice in his lap. He concluded that he had already eaten the whole thing.

“This may sting a little,” Alva warned Taylor. Alva had snuck around Taylor while he was distracted with the berry. As gently as he possibly could, Alva rubbed the mixture on Taylor’s neck and the top part of his back. After he covered the wounds, Alva walked around Taylor to inspect his handy work. After being satisfied with what he had done, Alva stopped in front of Taylor. “Did that sting at all?”

“No, why?”

“It’s as I have feared, you have a third degree burn. Your nerves are damaged. This is the reason you didn’t feel anything. It’s a good thing we put that on so quickly, the pain would have been unbearable if it had started to heal by itself. Now what’s wrong with your arm?”

“I’m not sure. I think it may be broken.”

“Have you had a fractured arm before?”

“Yes my right one about two months ago.”

“How long have you had your cast off?

“Not even a week, why?”

“May I,” Alva gestured to Taylor’s injured right arm as he knelt down in front of him. Taylor gave the nod of approval after a slight hesitation. “Since it has not been all that long since your arm has been broken, it may not take long to heal, especially if…” Alva stopped to concentrate more on what he was doing. He gently ran his fingers down the length of Taylor’s arm stopping when he cringed with pain. When he did this he ran his finger around the arm. Taylor indicated that it hurt only on the top of his arm. “….especially if your arm is not broken.” Alva said confidently as he sat back on his legs.

“How do you know?”

“Well, you only indicated pain on the top of your arm. So it’s probably just bruised. It may be a deep bruise, but your arm is not broken.”

“How do you know all that?”

Alva smiled, “I’m a doctor.”

-----------


I fell as if this chapter is not as good as it could have been, but what do you think?

Thanks txteclipse for betaing, but I changes some things after I got it back so there may be a few errors.
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Old August 7th, 2008 (06:59 PM).
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delongbi delongbi is offline
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Ok chapter... could have been better. First the grammar issues.

Quote:
“Take care of him. If he meets your expiations, partner him with someone.” Mew turned her back on the leader of the gathered members. “Do not harm him, or you’ll have me to answer too,” she added to everyone around her. Her body took on a white light that illumined the dark and then she and the light disappeared.
Should be expectations.

Quote:
.“She began to nervously prance around the room as the human stood up. “A human, in the forest,” she continued
Don't need the very first ".

Quote:
Mew’s soft velvet like fur was not genital enough in her excitement.
Err. I really hope you meant gentle.

Quote:
Seeing the look on Taylor's face changed from one of uncertainty to one of content, a small smile grew on me who as catlike face.
That sentance just doesn't make sense.

Quote:
Sinceing Alva’s disappointment, Mai gently nudged Alva’s right arm. He looked over the Pokémon who stared back at him with compassionate eyes.
? Silencing maybe?

Alright, moving on. Nice description in some parts, especially when describing the injury.

Quote:
Fearing for his life, he attempted to get up. He let out a cry as pain pulsed though his body. He was forced to lay there as the soreness intensified while he became more and more aware of his surroundings. Slowly opening his eyes he saw nothing but black. He made another attempt to get to his feet, but was forced back down when he could no longer stand the discomfort of his injuries.
I like Mia, and I hope to learn more about her and Alva.

Ohh, and the updated first chapter was better.

Now to the major stuff that needs improvement.

Mew is a very bizarre character. Her behaviors seem kind of random and without reason. Why is she protecting Taylor? One minute she is playful and the next she is downcast. Also, it kind of bugged me that she did not try to help Taylor's injuries more. Couldn't Mew transform into a Pokemon with healing power? Couldn't she teleport and get better medicine?

Overall, it was an ok chapter. Consider more character development for Mew.

Keep writing!
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Old August 8th, 2008 (10:40 AM).
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Buoysel Buoysel is offline
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alright, i was beginning to think no one was reading it.

Quote originally posted by delongbi:


That sentance just doesn't make sense.
supposed to be "sensing"


Quote:

I like Mia, and I hope to learn more about her and Alva.
you will...in time
Quote:

Ohh, and the updated first chapter was better.
thanks

Quote:

Now to the major stuff that needs improvement.

Mew is a very bizarre character. Her behaviors seem kind of random and without reason. Why is she protecting Taylor? One minute she is playful and the next she is downcast. Also, it kind of bugged me that she did not try to help Taylor's injuries more. Couldn't Mew transform into a Pokemon with healing power? Couldn't she teleport and get better medicine?

Overall, it was an ok chapter. Consider more character development for Mew.
Mew is easily saddened and excited.

Mew is upset because she can not help Taylor

I didn't even think about her transforming, but the rest is in a spolier because it gives things away, expect answers to be limited so that i don't give away too much.

the rest is a spolier
Spoiler:


part of teleporting and transforming thing is in one answerer,

Mew is young and does not know, or know how to use all here powers (the telaport of Taylor from the human world took a lot out of here, she was actually falling asleep while watching the fire)

the rest of the teleporting is here

in the story there has been little human interaction (Taylor is the 4th human to be in this world, or so they think)






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will do!!
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