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  #1    
Old July 11th, 2008, 12:16 AM
iRawr-x's Avatar
iRawr-x
Water PokEmon LOvver
 
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One day, A young trainer that lived in DARK CAPE town. Had a dream, The dream to seek some Legendaries. But could It be this day? Could It happen throughout his journey? Lets find out.

"Wake UP!" shouted a voice.

"Ok I am up sister! I hate it when you scream" replied the trainer.

The trainer got out of his bed, Feeling very dizzy and unusual.

"I feel abit dizzy, Hmm, Could it be because of... No way.. If It was I would be... GONE!" the trainer said to himself.


The trainer dressed into his normal clothes, And went downstairs, He looked around in suprise that everything was broken.

"What the heck, What happened here?" The trainer said.

"Well there was a Pokemon named Marowak that broke into our house and broke all our furniture" said Mum emoctionaly

"How would you know that it was Marowak?" asked the trainer

"Well, There is a bone left and a skull mask, But I already sold it for $10,000" said Mum excitedly

The trainer made a very strange look at his Mum, And he left the house, On the way to Prof.Dark's Lab. He walked through town, Everyone seemed frightened and unusual, Then suddenly the trainer felt very dizzy, He fell on the ground. His eyes went shut..

1 day later..

"Ouch, My head what happened?" The trainer said to himself.

Before he could even stand up, He felt something different. He got up off the ground, He say everything was frozen like someone had froze the world, Noone moved.. Noone talked, But then the trainer heard a voice

"AJ, Come in my lab" said a strange voice.

AJ the trainer, Heard that voice was very familiar, He remembered that voice, It was Prof. Dark's voice.

He ran in the lab, He was abit nervous.. because maybe If it wasn't Prof.Dark, He opened the door. He say a shadow, It was a shape of a Pokemon. He didn't open it any wider, He was awfully scared.

"AJ! Is that you? If it is come in! I've got some bad news"

AJ opened the door wider, He looked and then he had a shocked look in his face..
because of what he has encountered a legendary beast!

Chapter 2:

As the trainer had been surprised that he had encountered the Pokemon named "Darkrai",

"Wait AJ! Its my Prof.Dark, I know I look like a darkrai but I am not! Come closer" Prof.Dark said.

"Please go on my linking body machine, Look into my computer and click on link now" said Prof.Dark

"Wait! Not yet, I have to get in first" Prof.Dark said immedently.

Then AJ did what the
DarkraiProf.Dark told him. It took awhile.. Then suddenly the door opened with gas coming out. It was Prof.Dark in human this time.

"Ah Thank-you AJ, Now let me explain what is happending" said Prof.Dark

Prof.Dark has explained everything, About what is happending to earth.

"So, Let me get this straight, There is a Pokemon named Dialga that is making time frozen forever? But who can stop him.." asked AJ.

"Either Me or You! with... Manaphy!" replied Prof.Dark

"Manaphy? Whos Manaphy?" asked AJ

Prof.Dark again explained Who Manaphy is, And what he looked like.

"Wait! Manaphy is who the one who I see in my dreams!" AJ shouted.

"What? If you saw Manaphy in your dreams, Then you are the one! You are the one that could stop Dialga!" Prof.Dark said excitedly.

"But why can't other people do it?" AJ asked.

"Because everyone in the whole world is frozen, Except for Me and You and all the Pokemon!" shouted Prof.Dark.

The felt very non confident of what is going to happend. But he had a dream to seek new legendaries. And If he does it, He will save the whole world if he does it.

"Ok I will do it!" said AJ excitedly.

"Ok I've got three Pokemon here! Please pick one" Prof.Dark said.

It took AJ awhile to pick which one he wants. Then he picked the Pokemon called "Piplup".

"Please take care of that Pokemon" Prof.Dark said.

"Ok I will, Lets go piplup" AJ said.

"Pip--lup!" Piplup said.

Then they set there adventure.

Chapter 3:

AJ had set there adventure to find Manaphy and save the world. But AJ wondered where should we start? And Its impossible for Piplup to evolve while time had stopped.

"Hmm, I know we should go look around DarkCape forest for awhile.." AJ said

They ran straight to the forest. Then suddenly it turned Dark, Very dark.

"Who are you? How come you are not frozen?" said a Mysterious voice

"What? Well.. To be honest I dont really know, But who are you?" said AJ

"I am... SPIRITOMB! The Pokemon that seeks destruction to this world" said Spiritomb.

"Now time for you to become frozen, You must be eliminated now!" shouted Spiritomb.

"Wait! Nooo!" screamed Prof.Dark.

As spiritomb unleashed his power, Prof.Dark jumped in front of AJ. And he fell to the ground as spiritomb had disappeared.

"AJ, You must go.. Gahh, I saved you, I think It is time for me to go to a better place now. All my faith is going to you... ... Do well in your adventure!" Prof.Dark said weakly.

"No! Prof.Dark, Don't leave I don't want to be alone in this world, *cries* Please don't die Prof.Dark, Please don't you have to help me!" AJ said while crying.

"No I must.. ... I had to save you. .... You are the one that can stop Dial....ga.. .. Goodbye..."

After that, There was no sound from Prof.Cape, He shut his eyes, He hasn't opened it.. It looks like it was the end for Prof.Cape.

"Noo! Prof.Cape you were such a great Professor and Teacher, He taught me everything!" screamed AJ

AJ wiped his tears away, He felt crushed and painful inside, But he must do what he must do. But AJ kept on crying as he remembered that Prof.Dark was a good man. Prof.Dark was the one who taught AJ about Pokemon he was just like a dad to him. AJ loved Pokemon.. As Prof.Dark loved Pokemon too.

"*wipes tears* Now I must be the one saving the world, I must to travel to Waterfall town maybe there is something there about Manaphy, Bye Prof.Dark" AJ said to himself.

"Pip--LUP" Piplup said with a smile.

They walked to the nearby exit of DarkCape forest, But right near the exit, There was a note.
AJ reads the note.
(Note: Behind the waterfall lies a legend.. The legend of the greatest water Pokemon.. Mana...)
AJ notices something about the note, Theres is some kind of odd key on it.

"I wonder what this key is used for?" AJ said to himself.

Now AJ and his Piplup travel to Waterfall town...
They got there, And they saw that they saw the same thing that they saw in Darkcape town.
That everything was frozen place because of Dialga's rampage. AJ read the letter again.. Thinking about what could the letter mean and what does the
key do.. He thought, And then he saw something at the back. Stand near the Grocery man and look forward that is your answer.

He saw the grocery man, So he went there. He looked straight and saw that there was a waterfall and there was a key slot right next to the waterfall.
But he saw that Piplup was not next to him.

"Piplup! Where are you!" AJ said

"Pip--LUP!" Piplup screamed.

AJ heared the voice near the waterfall he looked there. And he saw Piplup with the key, Piplup inserted the key in the slot. And the waterfall had stopped moving just as the people did and it had opened just like curtains. And there was a glow in the distance of the cave.

"Pip-LUP... Pip-Lup!" Piplup said.

"This could be it.. This could be the cave of Manaphy!" AJ said excitedly.

AJ ran as a fast as could because of his excitement. But there was people in the way but AJ dodged them easily. He grabbed Piplup and gave him a huge hug. And then they entered the cave, The glow was glowing like blue. He saw a small room. He was afriad to enter it, He thought It could of been a trap of some sort.








Thanks for reading ;D
If you like my story and wish to support it then copy this banner to your
signature

And also put the link to this story. ;D Thank you for supporting..
I wish to continue soon ;D


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Last edited by iRawr-x; July 11th, 2008 at 06:58 PM.
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  #2    
Old July 11th, 2008, 02:39 AM
dragonarche's Avatar
dragonarche
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cool story
love it
almost better than the D/P episodes
YAY!!! first poast
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  #3    
Old July 11th, 2008, 03:16 AM
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Happy 2009 ^_^
 
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Hmmmm.... This story has a bit of potential! Like to see it continued.
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  #4    
Old July 11th, 2008, 03:21 AM
iRawr-x's Avatar
iRawr-x
Water PokEmon LOvver
 
Join Date: May 2008
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Thank-you for commenting about my story, I will surley continue it ;P
It will be very exciting. Thanks so much ;D
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  #5    
Old July 11th, 2008, 04:23 AM
.Vaporeon's Avatar
.Vaporeon
eshkient
 
Join Date: Jul 2007
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Hey.
Great story Irawr.
I'm not sure if the banner will fit in my sig but i will try.

It's great.


TLM
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  #6    
Old July 11th, 2008, 05:10 AM
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Roronoa Zolo
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Awesome story =)
I would like to see it continue =]
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  #7    
Old July 11th, 2008, 01:21 PM
iLike2EatPiez's Avatar
iLike2EatPiez
i want the puppy
 
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Okay... I'm only going to review the first chapter because, quite honestly, I really feel that I can't review the rest. First of all, before I go too in-depth, there are a couple things you should have pointed out to you:

For one, text-formatting (ie. your purple text) for your whole fic is against the rules, as well. In some skins it's likely near-impossible to read without highlighting it if you don't leave it at the regular font color. Also, you need to better your grammar. It's... not good. Part of the reason I can't review past the first chapter is because I can barely understand half the sentences. And not to mention, your chapters are way too short. They need more of everything; plot, description, etc... Now, here comes the quote-review...

Quote:
One day, A young trainer that lived in DARK CAPE town. Had a dream, The dream to seek some Legendaries. But could It be this day? Could It happen throughout his journey? Lets find out.
Ugh... This "paragraph" is all over the place. First of all, you should not capitalize "Dark Cape". Starting a fic with "one day" is sort of cliche... The sentences are hard to understand because of the way they are written. "Had a dream, the dream to see some legendaries" is an incomplete sentence. Why is "it" capitalized? And what is "it"? The way your sentences are set up, technically we should have no idea what you are talking about. I had to read back and guess what "it" was. This paragraph would look something like this with proper grammar:

Quote:
One day, a young trainer lived in Dark Cape town. He had a dream to seek some Legendaries. But could today be the day he would achieve this dream? Could he find legendaries throughout his journey? Lets find out.
On to more quotes....

Quote:
"I feel abit dizzy, Hmm, Could it be because of... No way.. If It was I would be... GONE!" the trainer said to himself.
This whole part confused me. What in the world is he talking about? And you should not capitalize "gone"; there are things called bolds and italics if you want to add emphasis on a word.

Quote:
The trainer dressed into his normal clothes, And went downstairs, He looked around in suprise that everything was broken.
You should not capitalize after every comma. And this needs description! Show us the destroyed room. Describe the tattered furniture, the glass on the floor, the ripped carpet... We have no idea whatsoever what the setting is if you just say "everything was broken". Also, your characters. Describe them. They aren't just invisible stick-figures are they? Give them traits, apperances, personalities, emotions... Otherwise the reader cannot relate to them and the characters become boring.

Quote:
"Well, There is a bone left and a skull mask, But I already sold it for $10,000" said Mum excitedly
Logic holes galore. Why on earth would a Marowak leave its mask and its bone?! They have never been known to take off their masks, and their bone is a prized weapon. And even if it did leave them, I think if someone's house was just trashed the first thing on their mind wouldn't be selling something. Write out your numbers! Say "ten-thousand dollars", not "$10,000".

Quote:
1 day later..
ONE day later. And transitions like this are rather... boring, really. The reader would be much more interested if you simple had him wake up later with no transition in-between other than perhaps a dask or mark. That way, it's a mystery as to how long AJ's been out. Keeping your reader in the dark gets them more hooked.

All in all, this is... not good. It lacks any description whatsoever, for one, and has several logic and plot holes. You need to put more effort into it. And no, I'm not saying this to be mean or to put you down. I'm giving you a full constructive-critisism review. All writers get them, and good writers apply them to their work. I hope you take this seriously rather than offensively...
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Last edited by iLike2EatPiez; July 11th, 2008 at 02:51 PM.
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  #8    
Old July 11th, 2008, 02:25 PM
jirachistar's Avatar
jirachistar
Kirby Lover
 
Join Date: May 2008
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Wow, I read that last person's post and I am in awe. I am in agreement, but I would like to see the story continued. Keep going...and fix the mistakes.
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  #9    
Old July 11th, 2008, 06:39 PM
iRawr-x's Avatar
iRawr-x
Water PokEmon LOvver
 
Join Date: May 2008
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Alright, I will make my text a easier color to read "Black" I will fix my mistakes aswell ;D

I will make it longer aswell.
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  #10    
Old July 11th, 2008, 08:54 PM
.Vaporeon's Avatar
.Vaporeon
eshkient
 
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Sydney, Australia
Gender: Male
Nature: Relaxed
Wow.
Nice work Irawr.
So you added more to chapter 3?
I was thinking i didn't see that before.
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  #11    
Old July 11th, 2008, 11:59 PM
Astinus's Avatar
Astinus
Remember NovEnder
 
Join Date: May 2006
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Age: 27
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o-O Just get rid of the font/color tags to make this the default everything. Black might be the regular font color on the skin that you're using, but if someone uses a dark-colored skin, it's not pretty.

Line-by-line quoted review of the first chapter.

Quote:
Originally Posted by iRawr-x View Post
One day, A young trainer that lived in DARK CAPE town. Had a dream,
This isn't the video game. You don't ALL CAPS the names of cities/people/things like they do in the games. You just write it normally: Dark Cape Town.

Don't randomly capitalize words that don't need to be in the middle of a sentence.

Lastly, the first sentence that you had is a fragment because it doesn't make sense. "A young trainer that lived in town..." what? Combine with the second sentence that you have.

And agreeing with Piez on the "one day" bit.

Quote:
"A trainer that lived in Dark Cape Town had a dream to seek some Legendaries."
Quote:
But could It be this day? Could It happen throughout his journey?
Seriously, what's up with the random capitalization? o-o Those "it"s shouldn't be capitalized.

Quote:
Lets find out.
Let's not.

Really, that's called "breaking the fourth wall". You don't really want to address the reader specifically in the story, which is what you did here. Just take the sentence out.

Quote:
"Ok I am up sister! I hate it when you scream" replied the trainer.
Holy...

Write out "okay". Stick a comma after "okay" and after "up" for the direct address. Then stick a comma after "scream" for some punctuation to make the sentence correct.

And it strikes me as weird that the trainer is so formal as to say "I am up, sister!" Wouldn't he call his sister by name at least?

Quote:
The trainer got out of his bed, Feeling very dizzy and unusual.
No, really. What's up with random capitalization? That "feeling" after the comma shouldn't be.

Quote:
"I feel abit dizzy, Hmm, Could it be because of... No way.. If It was I would be... GONE!" the trainer said to himself.
"A bit" is two words. Comma after "dizzy" should be a full stop. Place a question mark after the ellipses (...) after "of". The ellipses after "way" needs one more full stop. Stop capitalizing "it". Don't use caps. Use italics to emphasis words. And "said" doesn't go well with an exclamation mark.

"I would be... [i]gone[/i]!"

Quote:
The trainer dressed into his normal clothes,
Which would be...?

Quote:
And went downstairs, He looked around in suprise that everything was broken.
The bold word is spelled wrong: "surprise".

Stop with the random capitalizations after commas! Both "he" and "and" shouldn't be capitalized.

Quote:
"What the heck, What happened here?" The trainer said.
Okay, this is the last time that I'll say it. You don't capitalize every word that comes after a comma. Only if it's a proper noun.

Besides, the comma after "heck" would work better as a question mark.

Quote:
"Well there was a Pokemon named Marowak that broke into our house and broke all our furniture" said Mum emoctionaly
Comma goes after "furniture" and you need a full stop at the end of the sentence.

"Emoctionally"? o-O

Quote:
"How would you know that it was Marowak?" asked the trainer
Need another full stop after "trainer".

Quote:
"Well, There is a bone left and a skull mask, But I already sold it for $10,000" said Mum excitedly
Mum sure loves her adverbs, doesn't she? Show the reader that Mum was excited to sell off items.

And you need a full stop after "excitedly".

Quote:
On the way to Prof.Dark's Lab. He walked through town, Everyone seemed frightened and unusual, Then suddenly the trainer felt very dizzy, He fell on the ground. His eyes went shut..
Holy messed up sentences!

Quote:
Originally Posted by fixed
On the way to Prof. Dark's lab, he walked through town. Everyone seemed frightened and unusual. Suddenly, the trainer felt very dizzy. He fell to the ground, shutting his eyes.
What do you mean by "acting unusual"?

Quote:
1 day later..
*facepalm*

Show the passage of time. "He woke up a day later."

Quote:
Before he could even stand up, He felt something different.
Meaning?

Quote:
He got up off the ground, He say everything was frozen like someone had froze the world,
"saw"

Quote:
Noone moved.. Noone talked,
"No one" is two words.

Quote:
"AJ, Come in my lab" said a strange voice.
Typically, names that are two letters have full stops after the letters: "A.J". Unless the letters don't mean anything, which would be odd.

Quote:
AJ the trainer,
Typically, you don't want to wait until the main character is named in dialogue before mentioning his name in narration. I dunno. It just struck me as odd.

And the rest of the chapter was just a jumbled mess that I didn't want to make heads or tails of. x-x

This was...messy. Your grasp of grammar is weak at best. You stick commas where you don't need them, but forget them when you do need them. You randomly capitalize words when you don't need to. Your sentences are weirdly combined so that some are fragments and some are really really long. I would highly suggest learning grammar and finding yourself a beta reader.

You also need more description, like Piez said. The reader gets confused in the story because they can't see what's going on.

Also, don't place all three chapters in one post. Each chapter gets its own post. Otherwise, that could get messy.
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