The PokéCommunity Forums  

Go Back   The PokéCommunity Forums > Creative Discussions > Fan Fiction and Writing > Writer's Lounge
Sign Up Rules/FAQ Live Battle Blogs Mark Forums Read

Notices

Writer's Lounge Need advice? Want to give advice? Come on in and share ideas with your fellow writers. Just remember, all fics go in the main forum.


Advertise here

Reply
 
Thread Tools
  #1    
Old July 31st, 2008, 12:27 AM
Lollypop's Avatar
Lollypop
Member since '07 <300 posts
 
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: Melbourne,Australia
Age: 17
Gender: Male
Nature: Modest
Send a message via Windows Live Messenger to Lollypop

Advertise here
This is only a test fan-fic for suggestions and C&C. Currently only the Prologue is on.

P.S: I know it's short but this is only for Suggestions on how on I should improve.

Pre Chapter 1, Terrifying experience.

"Hehe, you've got no where to run now. Your trainer is almost
dead and now you've got no where to run little pikachu."Announces
James, one of the Team Rocket grunts. He is extremely dumb
and always tries to think of plans to capture rare pokemon and
always fails.

"Pika, pika!! Pikachu!!(You'll never catch me)" Squeaks Pikachu,
the famous pokemon trainer Ash's best pokemon. It is loyal to
Ash and Ash's amazing pokemon team. He wants to battle with
Ash until Ash becomes a Pokemon Master.

"Pika,Piiii......(Thunderbo)" Shouts Pikachu before the screen
turns pitch black.....
__________________
Send me random friend invites!!

Random Fact 1: i play maplestory. Global, that is.





I support DJG's hacks 100% as they are soooo good.

pokemon raptor!!

http://www.youtube.com/user/Salamance099?feature=mhee Subscribe please!
Reply With Quote
  #2    
Old August 1st, 2008, 07:57 PM
Shining Armour's Avatar
Shining Armour
& Cadance
Community Supporter
 
Join Date: May 2008
Location: Kansas City
Age: 23
Gender: Male
Nature: Quirky
Quote:
Originally Posted by Elite Salamance09 View Post


...before the screen turns pitch black.....

A little confusing, what screen?

You capitalize Pikachu sometimes, either all or nothing.

It is really hard to give any advice on something this short.

I am curious to see what happened to Ash (even though I am tired of Pikachu(die fur ball(oh sorry))).

---------------
"Hehe, you've got no where to run now. Your trainer is almost
dead and now you've got no where to run little pikachu," announces
James, one of the Team Rocket grunts. He is extremely dumb and always tries t...

Punctuation goes inside the quotes.

"Pika, pika!! Pikachu!!(You'll never catch me)" Squeaks Pikachu.

the famous pokemon trainer Ash's best pokemon.

This sentience makes no since what so ever.

He is loyal to Ash and his amazing pokemon team. He wants to battle with Ash until he becomes a Pokemon Master.

If you are going to call Pikachu "he" in one sentence then call it he in all of them. Speaking of "he", use pronouns such as he, instead of Ash this and Ash that.
__________________
Something something ponies!
Reply With Quote
  #3    
Old August 1st, 2008, 09:02 PM
DGexe's Avatar
DGexe
Taunter
 
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: Under Lance's bed~
Age: 23
Gender: Female
Nature: Lonely
To start, I’d like to say this; as it was already mentioned, you need description. We as readers are just thrown right into the story without any idea how the events came about or where James and Pikachu even are. What is the scenery like? How did these events come to fruition? What happened to Ash and how did it happen?

Certain things also don’t quite make sense here; if this is the Anime version of everyone that we’re speaking of within the chapter, how did James get so darn lucky to the point of him cornering Pikachu in such a situation and taking out Ash’s “amazing Pokémon Team” as you put it? Where are Jessie and Meowth? What about Ash’s companions? Where are they and how did they not come into the picture. You need to clear things up like this so we as readers better understand the events taking place.

Now, I’ll move on to some grammar issues. Things marked in red are items that need to be added in, and things in green are items that need to replace whatever is already there. Things in blue are rearrangements.

Quote:
Pre Chapter 1, Terrifying experience.


First off, “pre chapters” are typically called “preludes” or “prologues”; this may not be a huge issue, but simply a matter of preference. We’ll see if someone else mentions it. Second, you don’t need a period at the end of the title; it is not a sentence but merely a thought/phrase.

Quote:
"Hehe, you've got no where to run now. Your trainer is almost
Quote:
dead and now you've got no where to run, little Pikachu,”Announces
James, one of the Team Rocket grunts. He is extremely dumb
and always tries to think of plans to capture rare pokemon; and he
always fails.
First off, I added in that red comma because there needs to be one between what the speaker is saying and who they are addressing it to, if the addressee’s name is mentioned (as it is in the case of James saying “little Pikachu”. Also, “pikachu” needs to be capitalized, generally. I took the liberty of doing so within your post. The green comma is in there to properly separate the last spoken word and the quotation mark; this generally does not need to be done if the spoken sentence is a question or an exclamation. Question and exclamation marks can remain, but periods can not.

Also, “Announces” needs to be separated from the end quotation mark with a space and ought not to be capitalized. Next, I took the liberty of separating the very last phrase with a semi-colon to make it look cleaner. There were too many commas at the end.



Quote:
"Pika, pika!! Pikachu!!(You'll never catch me)
Quote:
," Squeaks Pikachu,
the famous pokemon trainer Ash's best pokemon. It is loyal to
Ash and Ash's amazing pokemon team. He wants to battle with
Ash until Ash becomes a Pokemon Master.
Next off, you need a space between “Pikachu!!” and “(You’ll never catch me) and a comma between the closing parenthesis [ ) ] and the end quotation mark. Also, I’ve made “Squeaks Pikachu” for two reasons; you can either rewrite it or fix the capitalization. If you go with the second option, decapitalize “Squeaks”. If you go with the first option, you may want to stay
Quote:
"Pika, pika!! Pikachu!! (You'll never catch me)
Quote:
," Pikachu squeaks,
.

Third on the list is the way you’ve put in the last sentence. It seems very out of place within the paragraph and probably ought to be placed in the part about how Ash was so badly injured (if you put that in). If that is put in, I’d suggest a wording like this:

Quote:
He wanted to battle with Ash until the trainer became a Pokémon Master, but now that Ash was so badly hurt…
and go from there.


Quote:
"Pika,Piiii......(Thunderbo)
Quote:
," Shouts Pikachu before the screen
Quote:
turns pitch black.....
Last, “Thunderbol” needs a “t” at the end, the red comma between the closing parenthesis and the end quotation mark, and “Shouts” shouldn’t be capitalized unless rewritten like the blue part above. Last, the six periods ought to be taken down to three; ellipses, which are used when a word or group of words are omitted, is composed of only three periods. The sole exception to this is when it is at the very end of a sentence or paragraph, as is the case of the ending group on your last paragraph. Those kinds receive four periods instead of three (at least, this is what a friend of mine who is an English guru to the freakiest extremes claims).


One last thing or two; either capitalize all Pokémon names, or don’t. It goes either-or in Pokémon fan-fiction. And last but not least, you probably ought to place é in Pokémon; it is in there within canon, and you’re free to copy and paste it from my post if you can’t find the Character Map program in Windows or have trouble finding it in Symbols within Microsoft Word.

That’s it for now; I hope it helps!

--DG
__________________

-Taunter the Haunter
-(ゴースト Ghost)
-Team Wilhelm "Leader"
-Gas Pokémon
-5'03" & 0.2 lbs
-Lvl. 65
-And he talks?!
-"Hau hau! Why yes, your soul looks very delicious..."

Last edited by DGexe; August 1st, 2008 at 09:23 PM.
Reply With Quote
  #4    
Old August 3rd, 2008, 02:40 AM
Lollypop's Avatar
Lollypop
Member since '07 <300 posts
 
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: Melbourne,Australia
Age: 17
Gender: Male
Nature: Modest
Send a message via Windows Live Messenger to Lollypop
Mods please close this. Thank you to everyone who posted here. I will release a new fanfiction tommorow at aproximately 6PM UTC+10 or earlier.
__________________
Send me random friend invites!!

Random Fact 1: i play maplestory. Global, that is.





I support DJG's hacks 100% as they are soooo good.

pokemon raptor!!

http://www.youtube.com/user/Salamance099?feature=mhee Subscribe please!
Reply With Quote
Reply
Quick Reply

Sponsored Links


Advertise here
Thread Tools

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Minimum Characters Per Post: 25



All times are UTC -8. The time now is 06:51 AM.


Style by Nymphadora, artwork by Sa-Dui.
Like our Facebook Page Follow us on Twitter © 2002 - 2014 The PokéCommunity™, pokecommunity.com.
Pokémon characters and images belong to The Pokémon Company International and Nintendo. This website is in no way affiliated with or endorsed by Nintendo, Creatures, GAMEFREAK, The Pokémon Company or The Pokémon Company International. We just love Pokémon.
All forum styles, their images (unless noted otherwise) and site designs are © 2002 - 2014 The PokéCommunity / PokéCommunity.com.
PokéCommunity™ is a trademark of The PokéCommunity. All rights reserved. Sponsor advertisements do not imply our endorsement of that product or service. User generated content remains the property of its creator.