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  #1    
Old August 5th, 2008, 06:41 PM
lvl99rayquaza's Avatar
lvl99rayquaza
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oh yeah the title indicates that i might make a series of fan fictions about Blaze and his struggles in the Sinnoh Guardians.
Prologue- The birth of the sinnoh guardians
The year is 2110. The world is still facing threats from the evil teams except for one. This team is called Team Galactic. Their leader is a man called Cyrus and he is the descendant of the first leader of team Galactic. He realized that all of the pokemon in the world were in danger so he decided to do the right thing and form an organization that would combat the evil teams. This organization is known as the sinnoh guardians. The members of the sinnoh guardians are trained to protect the lives of the innocent. While the sinnoh guardians were rising as an organization a new evil team was formed by Silver, the descendant of the original Giovanni's son who was also named Silver. This new evil team is known as Team Destruction.
Chapter 1- The birth of Blaze
Year- 2110, month- August, Date- 05, Location- veilstone city, sublocation- veilstone pokecenter.
Veilstone city, a city known for its cliff like formations and also known for the four meteorite craters near the pokecenter. Crime is low yet it is a major city in the Sinnoh region. Like all major cities in the Sinnoh region this city has a pokecenter. But Veilstone city is also home to the sinnoh guardians who started up six months ago. The Pokecenter is currently being visited by cyrus, the leader of the Sinnoh Guardians. Cyrus looks like his ancestor in every way. including the suit except for the letters s and g on them. Cyrus is not alone as he is accompanied by a scientist in blackhair who is in his mid twenties. this scientist has blue eyes and is named Panther. Panther is the descendant of the original Panther that defeated The original Team Galactic.
"So Panther how is Blaze doing?" asked cyrus. Cyrus and Panther cit down at a nearby table. "I hope he is doing fine" said Cyrus. Cyrus waits for a reply from Panther.
"Blaze is doing fine" answered Panther, "The process is almost complete." Panther gives cyrus a report of their latest project codenamed project Blaze. "This report mentions a side effect" replied Cyrus, "May i ask what that side effect is?." Cyrus waits for the reply. "Well the side effect is that the flame has turned black along with the blue/green part of the wings" replied Panther, "Even his skin color is pure black." Panther sighs as he waits for confirmation that project Blaze is officially complete.
Location- Sinnoh Guardian Hq, Sub location- Sinnoh guardian research and develpoment lab.
The basement of the former Team Galactic HQ has become the research and development lab. This lab consists of computers, test tubes and other equipment. Currently there is only one researcher in here. He is an average sized human with brown hair and brown eyes. His name is Zack and he is the descendant of the friend of the original Panther. "Ok, Pulse is normal" said Zack. Zack turns his attention to a test tube that contains a pure. black Charizard. "Project Blaze is 99.99% complete" exclaimed Zack. The charizard begins to stir. "The clone is at the same stage" thought Zack. Panther enters the room along with Cyrus. "So how is Blaze and his clone?" asked Panther. Panther stares at Zack. "I need to check" replied Zack. Zack walks up to the computer. "Well it looks like Blaze and his clone are waking up" said Cyrus. Cyrus points in the direction of Blaze and his twin. "They are waking up because the process is complete" replied Zack, "and I thought you two were waiting at the pokecenter?" Zack waits for a reply. "We were but we got bored so we decided to come here to check on things" replied Panther. The researcher, Cyrus, and Panther hear the twin Blaze's roar. "Will they break out of their test tubes?" asked Cyrus. Cyrus looks at the researcher. "Yes" replied Zack. Blaze and his twin break out of their test tubes by punching them very hard.
http://s1.bite-fight.us/c.php?uid=71243 where you can be werewolf or vampire.

Last edited by lvl99rayquaza; August 6th, 2008 at 06:58 AM. Reason: explanation of title.
  #2    
Old August 5th, 2008, 07:23 PM
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Blue Screen of Death
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Join Date: Jun 2008
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Quote:
Originally Posted by lvl99rayquaza View Post
Prologe- The birth of the sinnoh guardians
The year is 2110. The world is still facing threats from the evil teams except for one. This team is called Team Galactic. Their leader is a man called Cyrus and he isis the decendant of the first leader of team Galactic. He realized that all of the pokemon in the world were in danger so he decided to do the right thing and form an organization that would combat the evil teams. This organization is known as the sinnoh guardians. The members of the sinnoh guardians are trained to protect the lives of the innocent. While the sinnoh guardians were rising as an organization a new evil team was formed by Silver, the decendant of the original Giovanni's son who was also named Silver. This new evil team is known as Team Destruction.

Okay, you have a total of four misspellings in the prologue (see, that is how it is spelled.) Also, descendant is spelled that way.
Quote:
Originally Posted by lvl99rayquaza View Post
Chapter 1- The birth of Blaze
Year- 2110, month- August, Date- 05, Location- veilstone city, sublocation- veilstone pokecenter.
Veilstone city, a city known for its cliff like formations and also known for the four meteorite craters near the pokecenter. Crime is low yet it is a major city in the Sinnoh region. Like all major cities in the Sinnoh region this city has a pokecenter. But Veilstone city is also home to the sinnoh guardians who started up six months ago. The Pokecenter is currently being visited by cyrus, the leader of the Sinnoh Guardians. Cyrus looks like his ancestor in every way. including the siut except for the letters s and g on them. Cyrus is not alone as he is accompanied by a scientist in blackhair who is in his mid twenties. this scientist has blue eyes andis named Panther. Panther is the decendent of the original Panther that defeated The original team galactic.
"So Panther how is Blaze doing?" asked cyrus. Cyrus and Panther cit down at a nearby table. "I hope he is doing fine" said Cyrus. Cyrus waits for a reply from Panther.
"Blaze is doing fine" answered Panther, "The process is almost complete." Panther gives cyrus a report of their latest project codenamed project Blaze. "This report mentions a side effect" replied Cyrus, "May i ask what that side effect is?." Cyrus waits for the reply. "Well the side effect is that the flame has turned black along with the blue/green part of the wings" replied Panther, "Even his skin color is pure black." Panther sighs as he waits for confirmation that project Blaze is officially complete.
Location- Sinnoh Guardian Hq, Sub location- Sinnoh guardian research and develpoment lab.
"Ok, Pulse is normal" said a researcher. The researcher turns hisattention to a test tube that contains a pure. black Charizard. "Project Blaze is 99.99% complete" said the researcher. The charizard begins to stir. "The clone is at the same stage" said the same researcher. Panther enters the roomalong with Cyrus. "So how is Blaze and his clone?" asked Panther. Panther stares at the researcher. "I need to check" replied the researcher. The researcher walks up to the computer. "Well it looks like Blaze and his clone are waking up" said Cyrus. Cyrus points in the direction of Blaze and his twin. "They are waking up because the process is complete" replied the researcher, "and I thought you two were waiting at the pokecenter?" The researcher waits for a reply. "We were but we got bored so we decided to come here to check on things" replied Panther. The researcher, Cyrus, and Panther hear the twin Blaze's roar. "Will they break out of their test tubes?" asked Cyrus. Cyrus looks at the researcher. "Yes" replied the researcher. Blaze and his twin break out of their test tubes by punching them very hard.
Okay, I could not do anything else for you, it was just to painful to read. Sorry, but you need to work on your writing, not that you haven't heard that before. Do you ignore the spell checker, or just type it in note/word pad, then immediately copy and paste it into the reply box, and submit it? It seems that way. Your plot is confusing, and your description isn't very, well... Descriptive. You don't seem to improve upon what is said to you, making this whole thing somewhat pointless. Including a prologue in the same post as your first chapter is not how it should work. You should post the prologue, wait a while (at least and hour, I guess) then post the first chapter. Also, advertising in the fanfiction lounge is just annoying. Overall I give it a 'GAHH!" For confusion.
"Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms."
~Groucho Marx
  #3    
Old August 5th, 2008, 07:30 PM
lvl99rayquaza's Avatar
lvl99rayquaza
Trainer
 
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: sinnoh hunting shinies
Gender:
Nature: Rash
Now for Chapter 2
Chapter 2- The training grounds
"WOAH!" exclaimed Panther. Panther acknowledged that Blaze and his twin were awake. "I wonder if they are friendly" Thought Panther. Panther calmly walks up to Blaze and puts his hand on Blaze. "It is ok boy" said Panther, "Come on lower your head." Blaze lowers his head.
"Grrrr" growled Blaze. Blaze flaps his wings in happiness. "Now your twin too" said Panther. Blazes twin lowers its head and Panther touches their snouts. "Ok their snouts are moist and that means that they are hydrated" said Panther.
"What about their armor?" asked Zack. Zack presses a button on the computer and a door opes to reveal two suits of armor that are specially made for Blaze and his twin. "Equip them when you can" replied Panther, "when they are equipped they start their training." Panther walks away from Blaze and his twin. "Grrrrrr?" wondered Blaze. Blaze Looks at the armor in amazement.
"Well it looks like Blaze is curious about his armor" said Cyrus. Cyrus notes that Blaze is walking towards the armor. "So what color is the armor?" asked Panther. Panther notes that the armor color is unknown to them at the moment. "The armor color is gold in coloration" replied Zack. Blaze touches the armor. "Lets equip them now" said Panther. Zack presses another button on the computer. "Ok what does that do?" asked Cyrus. Cyrus sees metal claws grab one of the sets of armor. "It equips the armor" replied Zack. The metal claws pick up the armor and puts them on Blaze in the respective positions. "So let me guess, The claws will repeat the process, Right?" asked Panther. Panther notices the claws go back toward the other set of armor. "yes they will" replied Zack. The claws repeat the same process with Blaze's twin.
"Blaze follow Cyrus and I" said Panther, "Oh and your twin comes with us." Panther, Blaze, Cyrus, and Blaze's twin exit the lab and arrive at in the Sinnoh Guardians warehouse. "Careful" said Cyrus, "These crates are filled with expensive items." The group exits the warehouse into vielstone city. "The route to the west is closed of to anyone but the sinnoh guardians due to the need of training grounds" said Panther, "It ends at the route with the cafe." Panther leads Blaze and his twin to a rainy route that has tanks and other broken down military vehicles. "We relocated the pokemon that were here to other places" said Cyrus.
http://s1.bite-fight.us/c.php?uid=71243 where you can be werewolf or vampire.

Last edited by lvl99rayquaza; August 6th, 2008 at 09:16 AM. Reason: I am making chapter two and I am using the advice i got yesterday
  #4    
Old August 6th, 2008, 09:03 AM
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Blue Screen of Death
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Join Date: Jun 2008
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Quote:
Originally Posted by lvl99rayquaza View Post
Now for Chapter 2
Chapter 2- The training grounds
"WOAH!" exclaimed Panther. Panther acknoledges that Blaze and his twin are awake. "I wonder if they are friendly" Thought Panther. Panther calmly walks up to Blaze and puts his hand on Blaze. "It is ok boy" said Panther, "Come on lower your head." Blaze lowers his head.

See the sentence I made bold? There are two problems with it. One, it is grammatically incorrect, it should be 'Panther acknowledged that Blaze and his twin were awake.' seeing as writing in present tense means that you are telling us this as it happened, and we are standing there as one of the characters. Also, in the fixed sentence, acknowledged is spelled correct.

Quote:
Originally Posted by lvl99rayquaza View Post
"Grrrr" growled Blaze. Blaze flaps his wings in happiness. "Now your twin too" said Panther. Blazes twin lowers its head and Panther touches their snouts. "Ok their snouts are moist and that means that they are hydrated" said Panther.
"What about their armor?" asked Zack. Zack presses a button on the computer and a door opes to reveal two suits of armor that are specially made for Blaze and his twin. "Equip them when you can" replied Panther, "when they are equipped they start their training." Panther walks away from Blaze and his twin. "Grrrrrr?" wondered Blaze. Blaze Looks at the armor in amazement.
Okay, you started this paragraph in present tense, but changed it to past tense, then back to present tense. You need to work on getting your writing into one tense, and not all of the place. No spelling mistakes here, lets hope that keeps up.

Quote:
Originally Posted by lvl99rayquaza View Post
"Well it looks like Blaze is curious about his armor" said Cyrus. Cyrus notes that Blaze is walking towards the armor. "So what color is the armor?" asked Panther. Panther notes that the armor color is unknown to them at the moment. "The armor color is gold in coloration" replied Zack. Blaze touches the armor. "Lets equip them now" said Panther. Zack presses another button on the computer. "Ok what does that do?" asked Cyrus. Cyrus sees metal claws grab one of the sets of armor. "It equips the armor" replied Zack. The metal claws pick up the armor and puts them on Blaze in the respective positions. "So let me guess, The claws will repeat the process, Right?" asked Panther. Panther notices the claws go back toward the other set of armor. "yes they will" replied Zack. The claws repeat the same process with Blaze's twin.
Still switching between past and present tense, not good. Your one paragraph correct spelling streak has come to an end, I see. Just to let you know, just because some people write it 'OK' does not mean that is how it is actually spelled. It is spelled 'Okay', but you should know that. Also, wouldn't a Charizard resist at least a little to having armor shoved onto him?

Quote:
Originally Posted by lvl99rayquaza View Post
"Blaze follow Cyrus and I" said Panther, "Oh and your twin comes with us." Panther, Blaze, Cyrus, and Blaze's twin exit the lab and arrive at in the Sinnoh Guardians warehouse. "Careful" said Cyrus, "These crates are filled with expensive items." The group exits the warehouse into vielstone city. "The route to the west is closed of to anyone but the Sinnoh guardians due to the need of training grounds" said Panther, "It ends at the route with the cafe." Panther leads Blaze and his twin to a rainy route that has tanks and other broken down military vehicles. "We relocated the pokemon that were here to other places" said Cyrus.
[/quote]
Wow, is this story supposed to be past or present tense? You seem indecisive upon that subject. But why haven't you given Blaze's twin a name? Simply calling him 'Blaze's twin' all of the time is somewhat annoying. Once again, the bold sentence is grammatically incorrect. It should say 'The route to the west is closed to everyone except the Sinnoh guardians due to the need for training grounds.' Also, since Sinnoh is a proper noun, it should be capitalized. Your story still lacks description, and plot, but is definitely less confusing. Stop ignoring the spell check, it is there to help you. Your chapter was once again, very short. I give it another "GAHH!" For trouble with past and present tense, lack of description, grammtical errors, spelling errors, and very little plot.
"Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms."
~Groucho Marx
  #5    
Old August 6th, 2008, 09:10 AM
Dark-X
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I dont get it but i want to know how to join a team or club on this site could 1 of u 2 people tell me?
  #6    
Old August 6th, 2008, 09:18 AM
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Blue Screen of Death
Wait, what?
 
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Wrong place to ask this man.
"Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms."
~Groucho Marx
  #7    
Old August 6th, 2008, 09:21 AM
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lvl99rayquaza
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Join Date: Dec 2007
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Quote:
Originally Posted by SupahFunk View Post
See the sentence I made bold? There are two problems with it. One, it is grammatically incorrect, it should be 'Panther acknowledged that Blaze and his twin were awake.' seeing as writing in present tense means that you are telling us this as it happened, and we are standing there as one of the characters. Also, in the fixed sentence, acknowledged is spelled correct.


Okay, you started this paragraph in present tense, but changed it to past tense, then back to present tense. You need to work on getting your writing into one tense, and not all of the place. No spelling mistakes here, lets hope that keeps up.


Still switching between past and present tense, not good. Your one paragraph correct spelling streak has come to an end, I see. Just to let you know, just because some people write it 'OK' does not mean that is how it is actually spelled. It is spelled 'Okay', but you should know that. Also, wouldn't a Charizard resist at least a little to having armor shoved onto him?

Wow, is this story supposed to be past or present tense? You seem indecisive upon that subject. But why haven't you given Blaze's twin a name? Simply calling him 'Blaze's twin' all of the time is somewhat annoying. Once again, the bold sentence is grammatically incorrect. It should say 'The route to the west is closed to everyone except the Sinnoh guardians due to the need for training grounds.' Also, since Sinnoh is a proper noun, it should be capitalized. Your story still lacks description, and plot, but is definitely less confusing. Stop ignoring the spell check, it is there to help you. Your chapter was once again, very short. I give it another "GAHH!" For trouble with past and present tense, lack of description, grammtical errors, spelling errors, and very little plot.[/quote]
Explain how I am switching between past and presanttense., plus Panther, Zack, and Cyrus have not yet decided on a name for Blaze's twin asto the armor thing. BLAZE WAS CURIOUS. as for ok. That is how I usually spell it due to the fact it is how it sounds to me. Dark-X this is not the thread to discuss that.
http://s1.bite-fight.us/c.php?uid=71243 where you can be werewolf or vampire.
  #8    
Old August 6th, 2008, 09:41 AM
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Blue Screen of Death
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Quote:
Originally Posted by lvl99rayquaza View Post
Now for Chapter 2

Panther acknowledges that Blaze and his twin were awake. "I wonder if they are friendly" Thought Panther.
Right there, two sentences where you switch between past and present tense. I see that you have edited it, but this is how it was. When you said 'Acknowledges' it is written in present tense, but when you said 'thought panther' it switches to past tense. You should proof read your work.
"Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms."
~Groucho Marx
  #9    
Old August 6th, 2008, 09:57 AM
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lvl99rayquaza
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Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: sinnoh hunting shinies
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what do you want me to do write thinks?
http://s1.bite-fight.us/c.php?uid=71243 where you can be werewolf or vampire.
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