Here's the story i said i was going to write, i'm putting it here because i'm not to sure if it's good enough.
The thing that i don't like about it is the fact that it loses detail as the story goes on, i feel that the first paragragh may have too much detail as opposed to the rest of it.
If you'd like you know what it's about check out my first post in this thread: Need Some Input
The floorboards creaked beneath his feet.
Carefully the boy made his way down the dark hallway, uncertainty and worry flashed in his mind... reflected into his crimson eyes. His tongue darted out of his mouth and he licked the cracked flesh on his top lip, “Furret...” he whispered, but with no reply.
There was a soft sound of claws scampering across hardwood flooring which echoed through the abandoned building, the boy cocked his head towards it and there... just a few feet away stood a long, brown, rodent like Pokémon, “Furret,” it called happily when it saw its trainers face.
The boy looked angrily at his Pokémon, he walked over and picked it up, “You can’t go running off like that Furret,” he whispered, “Do you want me to get in trouble?”
All of a sudden there was a flash of blinding light that engulfed the boy whole, “Emerick!” yelled an angry voice from down the hall. Standing in the doorway was a tall figure of authority with a flashlight held in his right hand and a look of anger and disappointment plastered on his face, “What are you doing in here son?” he asked, his eyes burning, “It’s almost 8 o’clock... the Galactic Grunts will be doing their nightly patrol any minute now.”
“I’m sorry dad,” the boy, now recognised as Emerick, said apologetically, “Furret went running off and I had to find him, who knows what would have happened if the Galactic Grunts had found him first.”
The boy’s father wandered over to him, patting the pet Pokémon in his arms before placing a hand on his sons shoulder, “I’m just glad you’re alright, I don’t know what I would do if the Galactic Grunts got you.”
“That’s easy...” started the boy, “You would have hunted them down and rescued me...” Emerick laughed and returned the love by placing his hand on the shoulder of his father, “You are James, Commander of Team Rocket here in Johto after all.”
The tall man laughed, “I know, but don’t forget... Giovanni is here too. Checking up on me...” James corrected, “And if he knew that I let one of my men, let alone my own son, get captured by Team Galactic... oh, I don’t even want to think about it.”
“Well then let’s not let that happen,” joked Emerick, “Now... what do you say we get back underground? I’m sure Giovanni is getting... angry.”
James and Emerick laughed as they walked down the dark hallway and headed back to the underground hideout in the once great Goldenrod City, which was now nothing more than a desolate wasteland with destruction and depression wherever you turned.
James and Emerick crept slowly down the rusty step ladder into the Team Rocket hideout; James closed the large metal door with a loud thud. “Just getting in?” boomed a deep voice coming from a dark figure a few metres away.
“Giovanni!” said James in a surprised tone, “Uh... yeah, Furret got out so Emerick had go and get him.”
“Save it!” yelled Giovanni as he stepped into the dim light, “James... I need to have a word with you,” he turned towards Emerick, “In private...”
Emerick picked up his feet and swiftly whisked down the dark hallway and in through an open door into a well lit room.
“Listen...” said Giovanni, stepping closer to James, “I think Emerick is becoming too much of a handful. I know he’s you’re son and you’re only looking out for him, but you’re also commanding Officer of the Johto Alliance and you need to look out for your people.”
Giovanni placed his hand on James’ shoulder and walked him over to a torn up couch against the wall, the two sat and Giovanni continued to talk, “I know what you’re capable of and I think that Emerick is holding back your true potential. Listen... I’m planning to ask Commander Butch to send over a group our best soldiers and I’d like you to lead an attack against the Azalea Town Galactic Grunts.”
“Sir...” said James quietly, he was gob-smacked, “It would be an honour to help get Johto back from the Galactic Grunts!” James clenched his fist and rose to his feet, “Commander James, leader of the Johto Alliance!”
Giovanni quickly got to his feet attempting to calm James down, “Yes, that’s right,” he said proudly, “The only thing is... I think we’d be stronger without Emerick, if you know what I mean.”
James nodded, “I understand, but,” he stopped and turned his gaze to Giovanni, he sighed and opened his mouth, “Will you take care of him?”
Giovanni smacked James on the back, “That I will!” he reassured, “Don’t you worry, I’ll put him in Commander Butch’s care back in Kanto. He will be looked after very well at Silph Co.”
James extended his hand and smiled, “Then it’s settled. He’ll be on his way to Kanto in the morning!”
Giovanni shook James’ hand and smiled back at him, “Excellent decision... Commander James.”
I think that it would have been best if you had put this in the section that's intended for fan fiction, as it is a fan fiction, not a preview for one.
You say that you put it in this section because you are afraid that it's not good enough. In all honesty, I believe that it is good enough. It is not the best-written fan fiction I have ever seen, but it certainly isn't the worst either.
You seem to have a unique enough idea. I think that you just need to work a bit...harder at it. You state in your opening that you feel that the first paragraph has too much detail in comparison to the rest of the chapter. I think that the first paragraph is great: it has just the right amount of detail. As you said, it does have more detail than any other part. If you could put that much detail into the remainder of the chapter, it would be much, much better.
For example (this one stuck out the most to me):
"James and Emerick laughed as they walked down the dark hallway and headed back to the underground hideout in the once great Goldenrod City, which was now nothing more than a desolate wasteland with destruction and depression wherever you turned."
How did they laugh? Did they giggle or snort? What does this "desolate wasteland of destruction and depression" look like? Are houses caving in, is pavement crumbling? You have to consider what type of questions the reader may ask.
So if you take the amount of effort that you put into the first paragraph and use it throughout the entire chapter, your writing will improve.
If I were you I would also consider moving this thread over to the main area for fan fiction, as it will get much more viewers there and obviously, this thread is a fan fiction. I don't know what this entails, as I haven't been on these boards for that long, but I would guess that you would have to repost the thread and have a moderator lock the old one.
Overall, however, this is a good start.
Last edited by POKEMON_MASTER_0; August 22nd, 2008 at 10:08 PM.
I read it and I liked it but I don't really have any suggestions.
I was a little confused with the "cracked lip" thing, but I figured out what you meant.
It is best to see your whole story and then figure out a title. Since we only have the first chapter, it is hard to determine a good title without seeing it all. If it is still "in productions" then worry about the title later, when it is either totally done or a little farther along.