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  #1    
Old August 29th, 2008, 12:52 PM
PurpleStealth's Avatar
PurpleStealth
Poison Trainer
 
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: Where the wind blows
Age: 22
Gender:
I hereby present to you all a fanfic called An awesome adventure. This is a trainer fic set in the Hoenn region.
An awesome adventure
Chapter One
The sun was shining brightly in the small town called Littleroot. A young boy with blue eyes, black hair and wearing green top and green pants walked sleepily out into a kitchen with a big black mahogany stove, several white shelves with various kitchen items, a big white fridge, a big round white table with three white chairs and there was a young woman with bright blue eyes, black hair, wearing blue top and red pants cooking at the stove.

“Morning, mum!” said the young boy sleepily.

The mother turned around and answered her son.

“Morning Dean how was your sleep?” said the mother in a happy voice.

Dean let out a loud yawn.

“I was so excited about today I couldn’t get much sleep,” said Dean in a tired voice.

Dean’s mother crossed her arms and sighed.

“I guess you should be excited about today Dean, after all today is the day you get to become a Pokémon trainer,” said Dean’s mother.

Dean smiled happily.

“Mum, what’s for breakfast,” asked Dean eagerly

Dean’s mother smiled and turned around.

“Pancakes,” answered Dean’s mother.

Dean sat down in the closest chair and waited eagerly for his meal. A few minutes later Dean’s mother brought over a plate that had four big pancakes on it and there was a fork and knife on the sides of the plate. Dean took the plate and put it on the table.

“Thank you mum,” said Dean happily.

Dean picked up the fork and knife that were on the sides of the plate and started to eat. Dean’s mother smiled happily at Dean and went over to the stove to get her plate. When Dean’s mother had sat down to eat her breakfast she noticed that Dean had already finished his breakfast.

“Dean that was fast,” exclaimed Dean’s mother.

Dean got up from his chair and started to walk towards the door.

“Sorry mum, I am in a hurry,” said Dean happily.

Dean’s mother smiled at Dean and started to wave.

“Bye Dean, good luck on your journey’” said Dean’s mother happily.

Dean waved to his mother happily.

“Bye mum,” replied Dean.

Dean walked out of his front door and started walking down his front porch. Dean looked into the bright blue cloudless sky and smiled. Dean walked out into the grey colored streets and started to walk in the direction of Professor Birch’s lab. It took Dean awhile to find the big round white complex which was Professor Birch’s lab. There were several large trees and small bushes behind the lab. Dean walked up the brown dirt walkway leading to the front door of Professor Birch’s lab. Dean knocked loudly on the bright white door. A young man with brown hair, black eyes wearing a white lab coat and green pants opened the door.

“Hi, are you Professor Birch,” asked Dean.

The young man smiled at Dean.

“Yes I am Professor Birch and who might you be,” answered the young man.

Dean grinned happily.

“My name is Dean Stanford and I am here for my starter Pokémon,” announced Dean.

Professor Birch smiled.

“Well come on in Dean,” said Professor Birch in a polite manner.

Dean walked inside and saw several scientific gadgets and shelves filled with many Pokéballs in the room. Dean saw a white table in the center of the room. The table had three Pokéballs on it and next to the table Dean saw a young girl with short pink hair wearing short sleeved red top and orange shorts staring at the Pokéballs. Dean recognized the girl.

“Hi Sakura, how are you doing,” asked Dean.

The girl turned around and looked at Dean with her deep blue eyes. The girl smiled at Dean.

“Hi Dean, I am doing alright so are you here for your first Pokémon too,” answered Sakura.

Dean walked over to Sakura and smiled.

“Sure am,” replied Dean.

Professor Birch walked over and smiled at Dean and Sakura.

“Well now it seems you two already know each other,” said Professor Birch.

Professor picked up one of the Pokéballs from the desk and threw it into the air. A small gecko with a green body, red stomach, two big yellow lizard-like eyes and a big green leaf-like tail came out of the Pokéball. Dean grinned at the gecko.

“This is Treecko, the wood gecko Pokémon,” announced Professor Birch.

Professor Birch took another Pokéball off of the table and threw it into the air. A small chick with a red body, a small beak, two small bird-like legs and two very small feathery-like arms came out of the Pokéball. Sakura grinned as soon as the chick came out of the Pokéball.

“This is Torchic, the chick Pokémon,” announced Professor Birch.

Professor Birch took the final Pokéball off of the table and threw it into the air. A small fish with a light blue body, two eyes, four small feet, a light blue fin-like tail and two yellow star-like things attached to its cheeks came out of the Pokéball.

“Finally we have Mudkip, the mud fish Pokémon,” announced Professor Birch.

Dean walked over to Treecko, knelt down, put his hand on its shoulder and smiled at the Pokémon. Treecko gave Dean a happy look.

“Professor Birch, I chose Treecko as my starting Pokémon,” said Dean happily.

Professor Birch smiled at Dean.

“Alright Dean Treecko is all yours,” replied Professor Birch.

Sakura walked over to Torchic, knelt down, picked up and gave it a hug. Torchic chirped happily.

“Professor Birch, I want Torchic,” said Sakura happily.

Professor Birch pulled out two red rectangular objects out from his pocket. Dean and Sakura got up and walked over to Professor Birch.

“These two objects in my hands are called a Pokédex and they are used to collect data on any Pokémon you may encounter throughout your journey,” announced Professor Birch.

Dean and Sakura reached out and took the two Pokédexs and put them in their pockets. Professor Birch handed Dean Treecko’s Pokéball and gave Sakura Torchic’s Pokéball. Professor Birch also gave Dean and Sakura an extra five Pokéballs each. Dean and Sakura smiled at Professor Birch.

“Thank you, Professor Birch,” said both Dean and Sakura at the same time.

Professor Birch smiled at Dean and Sakura.

“Dean and Sakura, good luck on your journeys and remember to have fun,” said Professor Birch happily.

Dean and Sakura along with Treecko and Torchic walked out the door and down the brown dirt path that led to the grey colored road. Sakura stopped walking and turned to look at Dean.

“Dean, want to have a Pokémon battle,” asked Sakura.

Dean smiled and looked at Sakura happily.

“Sure, Sakura,” replied Dean.

Torchic jumped out of Sakura’s arms and stared at Treecko. Treecko glared back at Torchic.

“Dean, I will let you have the first move,” said Sakura.

Treecko took a fighting stance.

“Treecko, use pound!” said Dean.

Treecko charged towards Torchic, jumped into the air and smashed Torchic in the head with its tail. Torchic fell backwards then jumped to its feet.

“Torchic, use peck!” said Sakura.

Torchic’s beak started to glow white. Torchic charged towards Treecko and started to rapidly peck at Treecko’s stomach.

“Treecko, don’t give up use pound!” said Dean.

Treecko jumped backwards, then did a back flip and smashed its tail on Torchic’s head. Torchic fell over and didn’t get back up. Sakura pointed a Pokéball at Torchic.

“Torchic, return,” grumbled Sakura.

A red light came out of the Pokéball, covered Torchic and sucked it into the Pokeball. Dean knelt down and put his hand on his Treecko’s shoulder.

“Good job Treecko,” said Dean happily.

Treecko smiled.

“Treecko,” said Treecko happily.

Dean took a Pokéball off of his belt and pointed it at Treecko.

“Treecko, return,” said Dean happily.

A red light came out of the Pokéball, covered Treecko and sucked it into the Pokéball. Dean got up and walked over to Sakura who was still grumbling. Dean smiled at Sakura.

“That battle was fun,” said Dean happily.

Sakura looked at Dean and stopped grumbling.

“Dean, you want to travel together,” asked Sakura.

Dean looked surprised at Sakura’s question and then smiled after awhile.

“Sure Sakura, I’ll travel with you,” replied Dean.

Sakura smiled and then turned around.

“We better get going before it gets dark,” said Sakura happily.

Dean and Sakura started to walk down the grey colored road. After awhile of walking Dean and Sakura came to a thick forest filled with pine trees and several bushes. Dean and Sakura then heard aloud howl and a grey dog with a black face that had two yellow eyes and black underbelly lunged at Sakura.

This is the end of chapter one. Hope you all enjoyed it.
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  #2    
Old August 29th, 2008, 06:31 PM
Blue Screen of Death's Avatar
Blue Screen of Death
Wait, what?
 
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: Wherever
Age: 19
Gender: Male
Nature: Quirky
Quote:
Originally Posted by PurpleStealth View Post
An awesome adventure
Chapter One
The sun was shining brightly in the small town called Littleroot. A young boy with blue eyes, black hair and wearing green top and green pants walked sleepily out into a kitchen with a big black mahogany stove, several white shelves with various kitchen items, a big white fridge, a big round white table with three white chairs and there was a young woman with bright blue eyes, black hair, wearing blue top and red pants cooking at the stove.
This paragraph is a good example of list like description. While it still describes things fine, it seems boring. For example, instead of: A young boy with blue eyes, black hair and wearing green top and green pants walked sleepily out into a kitchen, as you wrote, it would be better as: A young boy sleepily walked into a kitchen, his black hair ruffled from a nights sleep. His blue eyes still half covered by his eyelids, as he had woken up not long ago. His green pants and shirt jostling with his movements. See, much better that way.

Quote:
Originally Posted by PurpleStealth View Post

Dean walked out of his front door and started walking down his front porch. Dean looked into the bright blue cloudless sky and smiled. Dean walked out into the grey colored streets and started to walk in the direction of Professor Birch’s lab. It took Dean awhile to find the big round white complex which was Professor Birch’s lab. There were several large trees and small bushes behind the lab. Dean walked up the brown dirt walkway leading to the front door of Professor Birch’s lab. Dean knocked loudly on the bright white door. A young man with brown hair, black eyes wearing a white lab coat and green pants opened the door.
You wrote the name 'Dean' six times in this paragraph, which is rather repetitive. After one use of his name, 'him' or 'his' will suffice for 'Dean'. Also, more list like description.

Quote:
Originally Posted by PurpleStealth View Post
“Hi, are you Professor Birch,” asked Dean.

The young man smiled at Dean.

“Yes I am Professor Birch and who might you be,” answered the young man.

Dean grinned happily.

“My name is Dean Stanford and I am here for my starter Pokémon,” announced Dean.

Professor Birch smiled.

“Well come on in Dean,” said Professor Birch in a polite manner.

Dean walked inside and saw several scientific gadgets and shelves filled with many Pokéballs in the room. Dean saw a white table in the center of the room. The table had three Pokéballs on it and next to the table Dean saw a young girl with short pink hair wearing short sleeved red top and orange shorts staring at the Pokéballs. Dean recognized the girl.

“Hi Sakura, how are you doing,” asked Dean.

The girl turned around and looked at Dean with her deep blue eyes. The girl smiled at Dean.

“Hi Dean, I am doing alright so are you here for your first Pokémon too,” answered Sakura.

Dean walked over to Sakura and smiled.

“Sure am,” replied Dean.

Professor Birch walked over and smiled at Dean and Sakura.

“Well now it seems you two already know each other,” said Professor Birch.

Professor picked up one of the Pokéballs from the desk and threw it into the air. A small gecko with a green body, red stomach, two big yellow lizard-like eyes and a big green leaf-like tail came out of the Pokéball. Dean grinned at the gecko.

“This is Treecko, the wood gecko Pokémon,” announced Professor Birch.

Professor Birch took another Pokéball off of the table and threw it into the air. A small chick with a red body, a small beak, two small bird-like legs and two very small feathery-like arms came out of the Pokéball. Sakura grinned as soon as the chick came out of the Pokéball.

“This is Torchic, the chick Pokémon,” announced Professor Birch.

Professor Birch took the final Pokéball off of the table and threw it into the air. A small fish with a light blue body, two eyes, four small feet, a light blue fin-like tail and two yellow star-like things attached to its cheeks came out of the Pokéball.

“Finally we have Mudkip, the mud fish Pokémon,” announced Professor Birch.

Dean walked over to Treecko, knelt down, put his hand on its shoulder and smiled at the Pokémon. Treecko gave Dean a happy look.

“Professor Birch, I chose Treecko as my starting Pokémon,” said Dean happily.

Professor Birch smiled at Dean.

“Alright Dean Treecko is all yours,” replied Professor Birch.

Sakura walked over to Torchic, knelt down, picked up and gave it a hug. Torchic chirped happily.

“Professor Birch, I want Torchic,” said Sakura happily.

Professor Birch pulled out two red rectangular objects out from his pocket. Dean and Sakura got up and walked over to Professor Birch.

“These two objects in my hands are called a Pokédex and they are used to collect data on any Pokémon you may encounter throughout your journey,” announced Professor Birch.

Dean and Sakura reached out and took the two Pokédexs and put them in their pockets. Professor Birch handed Dean Treecko’s Pokéball and gave Sakura Torchic’s Pokéball. Professor Birch also gave Dean and Sakura an extra five Pokéballs each. Dean and Sakura smiled at Professor Birch.

“Thank you, Professor Birch,” said both Dean and Sakura at the same time.

Professor Birch smiled at Dean and Sakura.

“Dean and Sakura, good luck on your journeys and remember to have fun,” said Professor Birch happily.

Dean and Sakura along with Treecko and Torchic walked out the door and down the brown dirt path that led to the grey colored road. Sakura stopped walking and turned to look at Dean.

“Dean, want to have a Pokémon battle,” asked Sakura.

Dean smiled and looked at Sakura happily.

“Sure, Sakura,” replied Dean.

Torchic jumped out of Sakura’s arms and stared at Treecko. Treecko glared back at Torchic.

“Dean, I will let you have the first move,” said Sakura.

Treecko took a fighting stance.

“Treecko, use pound!” said Dean.

Treecko charged towards Torchic, jumped into the air and smashed Torchic in the head with its tail. Torchic fell backwards then jumped to its feet.

“Torchic, use peck!” said Sakura.

Torchic’s beak started to glow white. Torchic charged towards Treecko and started to rapidly peck at Treecko’s stomach.

“Treecko, don’t give up use pound!” said Dean.

Treecko jumped backwards, then did a back flip and smashed its tail on Torchic’s head. Torchic fell over and didn’t get back up. Sakura pointed a Pokéball at Torchic.

“Torchic, return,” grumbled Sakura.

A red light came out of the Pokéball, covered Torchic and sucked it into the Pokeball. Dean knelt down and put his hand on his Treecko’s shoulder.

“Good job Treecko,” said Dean happily.

Treecko smiled.

“Treecko,” said Treecko happily.

Dean took a Pokéball off of his belt and pointed it at Treecko.

“Treecko, return,” said Dean happily.

A red light came out of the Pokéball, covered Treecko and sucked it into the Pokéball. Dean got up and walked over to Sakura who was still grumbling. Dean smiled at Sakura.

“That battle was fun,” said Dean happily.

Sakura looked at Dean and stopped grumbling.

“Dean, you want to travel together,” asked Sakura.

Dean looked surprised at Sakura’s question and then smiled after awhile.

“Sure Sakura, I’ll travel with you,” replied Dean.

Sakura smiled and then turned around.

“We better get going before it gets dark,” said Sakura happily.

Dean and Sakura started to walk down the grey colored road. After awhile of walking Dean and Sakura came to a thick forest filled with pine trees and several bushes. Dean and Sakura then heard aloud howl and a grey dog with a black face that had two yellow eyes and black underbelly lunged at Sakura.

This is the end of chapter one. Hope you all enjoyed it.
I didn't read much of this part, mainly because it is one long cliche. Considering your character just gets a pokemon and wins his first battle. I don't want go any further, so you can just read this.
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  #3    
Old August 31st, 2008, 05:49 PM
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PurpleStealth
Poison Trainer
 
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: Where the wind blows
Age: 22
Gender:
Thanks for the advice SupahFunk.

Here is chapter two of An awesome adventure.


Chapter Two

Dean put his arm in front of Sakura and the grey dog that had lunged at Sakura bit down on Dean’s arm. Dean winced in pain. Dean took Treecko’s Pokéball off of his belt with his free hand and threw it into the air.

“Go Treecko!” shouted Dean.

Treecko came out of the Pokéball and stared angrily at the grey dog that had hurt Dean.

“Treecko, use pound!” said Dean.

Treecko jumped into the air and used its tail to hit the grey dog on the side of its head. The grey dog let go and fell to the floor. The grey dog got up and glared at Treecko. The grey dog charged at Treecko.

“Treecko, dodge then use pound!” said Dean.

Treecko jumped out of the way then charged at the grey dog and used its tail to hit it on its side. The grey dog fell down and struggled to get back up. Dean took a Pokéball off of his belt and threw it at the dog.

“Pokéball, go!” said Dean.

The Pokéball hit the grey dog, opened up, covered the grey dog in a red light and sucked it into the Pokéball. The Pokéball shook for a few seconds then stopped. Dean fell over and Sakura who had been staring in shock snapped out of it and ran over to Dean.

“Dean, are you all right,” asked Sakura.

Dean smiled weakly.

“I’ll be fine it’s just a scratch,” answered Dean.

Sakura took her backpack off of her back, opened it and took out some bandages.

“Dean, that’s more than just a scratch,” said Sakura.

Sakura began to wrap the bandages around Dean’s arm.

“Thanks Sakura,” said Dean.

Sakura smiled at Dean. When Sakura was finished wrapping the bandages around Dean’s arm she helped him get back onto his feet. Dean walked slowly over to the Pokéball he had caught the grey dog in. Dean bent down and picked it up and put it onto his belt. Dean got up and walked over to where Treecko was. Dean bent down and gave Treecko a hug. Treecko smiled at Dean.

“Thanks Treecko,” said Dean.

Treecko started to blush.

“Treecko tree,” said Treecko.

Dean got back up and pointed a Pokéball at Treecko.

“Treecko, return,” said Dean.

A red light came out of the Pokéball, covered Treecko and sucked it into the Pokéball. Sakura walked over to Dean and smiled.

“How is your arm doing,” asked Sakura.

Dean smiled at Sakura.

“It is feeling much better now,” answered Dean.

Dean turned around and started to walk. Sakura followed Dean.

“Sakura, are you planning to enter gym battles,” asked Dean.

Sakura smiled.

“Yes I am planning to enter gym battles,” answered Sakura.

Dean looked up at the sky and noticed that it was getting dark out. Dean stopped walking and turned to face Sakura. Sakura stopped walking.

“Sakura, it is getting dark out we better set up camp,” said Dean.

Sakura looked up at the sky and sighed.

“Guess your right we better set up camp,” said Sakura.

Dean took his backpack off, opened it and took out a green sleeping bag. Sakura took her backpack off, opened it and took out a red sleeping bag. Dean put his sleeping bag on the green grassy ground unzipped it and went inside. Dean zipped it back up once he was inside. Dean turned over to look at Sakura and noticed that she was also in her sleeping bag.

“Good night Sakura,” said Dean.

Sakura opened her eyes and looked at Dean.

“Good night Dean,” said Sakura.

Dean closed his eyes and went to sleep.



“Dean, it’s time to get up,” said Sakura.

Dean opened his eyes, yawned and looked at Sakura.

“Is it morning already,” asked Dean.

Sakura let out an irritated sigh.

“I wouldn’t have woken you up if it wasn’t,” answered Sakura.

Dean looked up at the sky and saw that the sun was up. Dean got out of his sleeping bag and put it back into his backpack. Dean looked at Sakura and smiled.

“We better feed our Pokémon before we head out,” said Dean.

Sakura took Torchic’s Pokéball off of her belt and threw it into the air.

“Torchic, it’s time to eat!” said Sakura.

Torchic came out of the Pokéball and walked over to Sakura. Dean took his two Pokeballs off of his belt and threw them into the air.

“Come on out guys!” said Dean.

Treecko and the grey dog came out of the Pokéballs. Treecko looked at Dean and smiled. The grey dog glared at Dean angrily. Dean took his Pokédex out of his pocket and pointed it at the grey dog.

“Poochyena the bite Pokémon, Poochyena is an omnivore - it will eat anything. A distinguishing feature is how large its fangs are compared to its body. This Pokemon tries to intimidate its foes by making the hair on its tail bristle out,” said the Pokédex.

Dean looked at the Poochyena.

“Poochyena, did you attack us because you were hungry,” asked Dean.

Poochyena started to growl at Dean. Dean took a small white dish and a can of Pokémon food out of his backpack. Dean poured some of the Pokémon food into the bowl and put it next to Poochyena. Poochyena glared at the food.

“Don’t worry Poochyena, it won’t hurt you,” said Dean.

Poochyena slowly walked over to the food and began to sniff it. Poochyena stopped sniffing then looked at Dean. Dean smiled at Poochyena.

“Go ahead and eat up Poochyena,” said Dean.

Poochyena looked back at the food and started to eat. Treecko tugged at Dean’s shirt. Dean looked at Treecko. Dean took another small bowl out of his backpack and put some Pokémon food in it. Dean put the bowl beside Treecko. Treecko then began to eat. Dean looked back at Poochyena and noticed that it had finished eating. Poochyena looked at Dean.

“Did you like the food Poochyena,” asked Dean.

Poochyena nodded its head yes. Dean smiled.

“Glad you liked it,” said Dean.

Dean looked at Treecko and noticed that it had also finished eating. Dean pointed a Pokéball at Treecko.

“Treecko, return!” said Dean.

A red light came out of the Pokéball, covered Treecko and sucked it inside. Dean then pointed a Pokéball at Poochyena.

“Poochyena, return!” said Dean.

A red light came out of the Pokéball, covered Poochyena and sucked it inside. Dean the two Pokéballs back onto his belt and then picked up the two small bowls and put them back into his backpack. Dean got up and walked over to Sakura.

“Sakura ready to go,” asked Dean.

Sakura got up from under the tree she was sitting under and then pointed a Pokéball at her Torchic who was looking at a bunch of violet colored flowers.

“Torchic, return!” said Sakura.

A red light came out of the Pokéball, covered Torchic and sucked it inside. Sakura put the Pokéball back onto her belt. Dean and Sakura then began to walk into the large grassy forest of route 101.

This is the end of chapter two hope you all liked it.
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  #4    
Old September 1st, 2008, 01:31 PM
Blue Screen of Death's Avatar
Blue Screen of Death
Wait, what?
 
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: Wherever
Age: 19
Gender: Male
Nature: Quirky
Quote:
Originally Posted by PurpleStealth View Post


Chapter Two

Dean put his arm in front of Sakura and the grey dog that had lunged at Sakura bit down on Dean’s arm. Dean winced in pain. Dean took Treecko’s Pokéball off of his belt with his free hand and threw it into the air.
Everything in this paragraph seems like a list, moving from one event to another without any conjunctions.

Quote:
Originally Posted by PurpleStealth View Post
“Go Treecko!” shouted Dean.

Treecko came out of the Pokéball and stared angrily at the grey dog that had hurt Dean.

“Treecko, use pound!” said Dean.

Treecko jumped into the air and used its tail to hit the grey dog on the side of its head. The grey dog let go and fell to the floor. The grey dog got up and glared at Treecko. The grey dog charged at Treecko.
Once again, everything you wrote reads like a list. Also, animals such as dogs don't exist in the pokemon world. Now, if you replaced it with a pokemon that resembles a dog, it would still work. Lastly, you only used the words 'Grey dog' to name it, which gets rather repetitive.

Quote:
Originally Posted by PurpleStealth View Post
“Treecko, dodge then use pound!” said Dean.

Treecko jumped out of the way then charged at the grey dog and used its tail to hit it on its side. The grey dog fell down and struggled to get back up. Dean took a Pokéball off of his belt and threw it at the dog.

“Pokéball, go!” said Dean.

The Pokéball hit the grey dog, opened up, covered the grey dog in a red light and sucked it into the Pokéball. The Pokéball shook for a few seconds then stopped. Dean fell over and Sakura who had been staring in shock snapped out of it and ran over to Dean.
Okay, I'm confused here. Your character caught an animal, that does not exist in the world you are writing about. How does this work? Besides that, you still have a problem with the repetitive use of the words 'Grey dog.'

Quote:
Originally Posted by PurpleStealth View Post

“Poochyena the bite Pokémon, Poochyena is an omnivore - it will eat anything. A distinguishing feature is how large its fangs are compared to its body. This Pokemon tries to intimidate its foes by making the hair on its tail bristle out,” said the Pokédex.
Good, now we know what the grey dog is. But, you should have named it before now. If you had, it would have prevented much confusion.

Quote:
Originally Posted by PurpleStealth View Post
Dean looked at the Poochyena.

“Poochyena, did you attack us because you were hungry,” asked Dean.

Poochyena started to growl at Dean. Dean took a small white dish and a can of Pokémon food out of his backpack. Dean poured some of the Pokémon food into the bowl and put it next to Poochyena. Poochyena glared at the food.

“Don’t worry Poochyena, it won’t hurt you,” said Dean.

Poochyena slowly walked over to the food and began to sniff it. Poochyena stopped sniffing then looked at Dean. Dean smiled at Poochyena.

“Go ahead and eat up Poochyena,” said Dean.

Poochyena looked back at the food and started to eat. Treecko tugged at Dean’s shirt. Dean looked at Treecko. Dean took another small bowl out of his backpack and put some Pokémon food in it. Dean put the bowl beside Treecko. Treecko then began to eat. Dean looked back at Poochyena and noticed that it had finished eating. Poochyena looked at Dean.

“Did you like the food Poochyena,” asked Dean.

Poochyena nodded its head yes. Dean smiled.

“Glad you liked it,” said Dean.

Dean looked at Treecko and noticed that it had also finished eating. Dean pointed a Pokéball at Treecko.

“Treecko, return!” said Dean.

A red light came out of the Pokéball, covered Treecko and sucked it inside. Dean then pointed a Pokéball at Poochyena.

“Poochyena, return!” said Dean.

A red light came out of the Pokéball, covered Poochyena and sucked it inside. Dean the two Pokéballs back onto his belt and then picked up the two small bowls and put them back into his backpack. Dean got up and walked over to Sakura.

“Sakura ready to go,” asked Dean.

Sakura got up from under the tree she was sitting under and then pointed a Pokéball at her Torchic who was looking at a bunch of violet colored flowers.

“Torchic, return!” said Sakura.

A red light came out of the Pokéball, covered Torchic and sucked it inside. Sakura put the Pokéball back onto her belt. Dean and Sakura then began to walk into the large grassy forest of route 101.
Everything you wrote here has no way of attracting readers. It seems boring, to put it straight. Also, I'm going to assume that your trainers named their pokemon whatever their actual specie name. Overall, you need to work on your description, connecting your sentences, and adding more plot than the average adventure. So, once again, I leave you with this link. Oh, and this link.
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  #5    
Old September 27th, 2008, 02:53 PM
PurpleStealth's Avatar
PurpleStealth
Poison Trainer
 
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: Where the wind blows
Age: 22
Gender:
Here is chapter three.
Hope you all enjoy it.
Chapter three
“Dean what is that?” asked Sakura.

Dean looked over at Sakura and noticed that she was pointing at a small mushroom with a yellow head that had a few green spots on it, two eyes, a mouth, a green bottom half with two legs that was standing in the middle of the dirt path with its eyes closed.

“Sakura, maybe you should check your Pokédex,” said Dean.

Sakura looked at Dean and smiled.

“Good idea,” said Sakura.

Sakura took her Pokédex out of her pocket and pointed it at the mushroom.

“Shroomish the mushroom Pokémon, Shroomish live in damp soil in the dark depths of forests. They are often found keeping still under fallen leaves. This Pokémon feeds on compost that is made up of fallen, rotted leaves,” said the Pokédex.

Sakura put the Pokédex back into her pocket and looked at Shroomish.

“I am going to catch it,” said Sakura.

“Good luck Sakura,” said Dean.

Sakura took a Pokéball off of her belt and threw it into the air.

“Go Torchic!” said Sakura.

Torchic came out of the Pokéball and walked up to Sakura.

“Torchic, see that Shroomish over there?” asked Sakura.

Torchic looked over at the Shroomish.

“Tor Torchic,” answered Torchic.

Sakura pointed at Shroomish.

“Torchic, use scratch attack!” said Sakura.

Torchic ran towards Shroomish. Torchic lifted up its left foot and swung it at Shroomish. The attack left scratch marks across Shroomish’s face. Shroomish opened its eyes and squealed in pain. Shroomish glared at Torchic. Shroomish then jumped into Torchic. Torchic fell over. Torchic got back up.

“Torchic, use another scratch attack!” said Sakura.

Torchic lifted its foot into the air and scratched Shroomish on its face again. Shroomish squealed in pain and turned around. Shroomish then began to run.

“Torchic, don’t let it get away!” yelled Sakura.

Torchic opened its mouth and sent out several small red flames. The flames hit Shroomish and knocked it out. Sakura took a Pokéball off of her belt and threw it at Shroomish.

“Go Pokéball!” said Sakura.

The Pokéball hit Shroomish and sucked it inside and after shaking for a few seconds the Pokéball clicked shut. Sakura ran over to the Pokéball picked it up and put it onto her belt. Sakura then walked over to Torchic and picked it up.

“Thank you Torchic,” said Sakura.

Torchic smiled at Sakura. Sakura took a Pokéball off of her belt and pointed it at Torchic.

“Torchic, return,” said Sakura.

A red light came out of the Pokéball, covered Torchic and sucked it into the Pokéball. Sakura put the Pokéball back onto her belt and walked over to Dean.

“You impressed?” asked Sakura.

Dean smiled at Sakura.

“That was pretty impressive,” answered Dean.

“You call that impressive?” asked an unknown voice.

Dean and Sakura looked at the spot where the voice was coming from and saw a young boy with red hair and blue that was wearing a black top with matching black pants leaning against a nearby tree.

“You shouldn’t say rude things,” said Dean with a slightly irritated voice.

The boy took a Pokéball off of his belt.

“If you can beat me in a battle I might apologize,” said the boy.

Dean also took a Pokéball off of his belt.

“You’re on punk,” said Dean.

“My names not punk, it’s Z,” said the boy.

“This will be a two on two battle,” said Dean.

“Whatever makes you happy,” said Z.

Z threw the Pokéball he was holding into the air.

“Go Zigzagoon!” said Z.

A small raccoon that had a brown head with a black stripe, two brown eyes, black nose and white stripes on its body and tail with a lot of jagged edges came out of the Pokéball. Dean took out his Pokédex and pointed it at the raccoon.

“Zigzagoon the tiny raccoon Pokémon, The hair on Zigzagoon’s back is bristly. It rubs the hard back hair against trees to leave its territorial markings. This Pokémon may play dead to fool foes in battle,” said the Pokédex.

Dean put away his Pokédex and then threw the Pokéball he was holding into the air.

“Go Poochyena!” said Dean.

Dean’s Poochyena came out of the Pokéball.

“Poochyena, use tackle!” said Dean.

“Zigzagoon, dodge then use headbutt!” said Z.

Poochyena charged towards Zigzagoon. Zigzagoon jumped over Poochyena then turned around and smashed its head into Poochyena’s side. Poochyena fell over and fainted. Dean pointed a Pokéball at Poochyena.

“Poochyena, return!” said Dean.

A red light came out of the Pokéball, covered Poochyena and sucked it into the Pokéball. Dean put Poochyena’s Pokéball back onto his belt and then pulled off his remaining Pokéball and threw it into the air.

“Go Treecko!” said Dean.

Dean’s Treecko came out of the Pokéball.

“Treecko, use pound!” said Dean.

“Zigzagoon, do another headbutt!” said Z.

Treecko ran towards Zigzagoon and Zigzagoon charged forward. Treecko swung his tail forward. Both attacks collided and sent both backwards. Treecko and Zigzagoon both landed on their feet.

“Zigzagoon, use tackle!” said Z.

“Treecko, dodge then use absorb!” said Dean.

Zigzagoon charged at Treecko. Treecko rolled to the side and started to glow green. The green glow then went and covered Zigzagoon. The green light then went back to Treecko and Zigzagoon fell over and fainted. Z pointed a Pokéball at Zigzagoon.

“Zigzagoon, return!” said Z.

A red light came out of the Pokéball, covered Zigzagoon and sucked it into the Pokéball. Z put the Pokéball back onto his belt and then took off his final Pokéball from his belt. Z threw the Pokéball into the air.

“Go Mudkip!” said Z.

A Mudkip similar to the one at Professor Birch’s lab came out of the Pokéball.

“Mudkip, use water gun!” said Z.

Tree…!” said Dean.

Before Dean could finish giving commands, Mudkip fired a blast of water out of its mouth. The blast of water hit Treecko and sent it flying into a tree. Treecko fell over.

“Treecko please try to get back up and use absorb!” said dean.

Treecko slowly got to its feet and started to glow green.

“Mudkip, use water gun to finish it off!” said Z.

Before Treecko could finish its attack Mudkip fired another blast of water out of its mouth. The blast hit Treecko and smashed it back into the tree. Treecko fell over and fainted. Dean pointed a Pokéball at Treecko and sighed.

“Treecko, return!” said Dean.

A red light came out of the Pokéball, covered Treecko and sucked it into the Pokéball. Dean put Treecko’s Pokéball back onto his belt.

“That was too easy,” said Z.

Z pointed a Pokéball at Mudkip.

“Mudkip, return!” said Z.

A red light came out of the Pokéball, covered Mudkip and sucked it into the Pokéball. Z put the Pokéball back onto his belt. Z stopped leaning against the tree and walked away. Dean sighed.

“Sorry I wasn’t able to defeat him Sakura,” said Dean.

Sakura walked over to Dean and put her hand on his shoulder.

“Don’t worry about it,” said Sakura.

Dean looked over at Sakura and smiled.

“Thanks Sakura,” said Dean.

Dean and Sakura then began to walk and continue on their journey to Oldale Town.

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  #6    
Old September 27th, 2008, 04:15 PM
An-chan's Avatar
An-chan
Whoops.
 
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: Finland
Age: 23
Umm, hey. Don't you think you have too many battles and very little anything else? I'd suggest you really read those pages SupahFunk gave you. They can help you a lot if you want as many people as possible to read your fics.
You could tell something about your characters or their Pokémon to make them more interesting. For example, shouldn't losing a battle be a bigger deal? Why are they smiling all the time?

This could really be something, but I really can't tell, because you haven't yet hinted on the plot behind this all. What is this adventure of theirs?
Also, using pronouns would make this a lot more readable. For example:
Quote:
A red light came out of the Pokéball, covered Mudkip and sucked it into the Pokéball. Z put the Pokéball back onto his belt. Z stopped leaning against the tree and walked away. Dean sighed.
could be like this:
Quote:
A red light came out of the Pokéball, covered Mudkip and sucked it inside. Z put the Pokéball back onto his belt. He stopped leaning against the tree and walked away. Dean sighed.
Work on it, use more commas and pronouns and start bringing in the plot and everything will be all right. ^-^
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  #7    
Old September 27th, 2008, 07:06 PM
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PurpleStealth
Poison Trainer
 
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: Where the wind blows
Age: 22
Gender:
Thanks for the adice An-chan. I will try to make the next chapters more interesting.
Here is chapter four. Hope you all enjoy it.

Chapter four

“Dean I think I see Oldale Town,” said Sakura.

Dean smiled at Sakura and then looked at a small town that was in the distance.

“I wonder what sort of adventures await us in Oldale,” said Dean.

Dean and Sakura then began to walk towards Oldale Town. After awhile they arrive on the out skirts of the Town. Dean looks around and spots a red roofed building that was the trade mark of all Pokémon centres.

“Sakura lets go to the Pokémon centre to heal are Pokémon,” said Dean.

“Sure,” said Sakura.

Dean and Sakura walk up to the Pokémon centre. They walk through the sliding doors and go to the main counter where a young lady with pink hair wearing a nurse’s uniform is.

“Miss can you heal are Pokémon?” asked Dean and Sakura in unison.

“Sure,” answered the nurse.

The nurse smiles and pulls out two trays. Dean and Sakura put there Pokémon on the trays. The nurse picks up the trays.

“Your Pokémon will be ready in half an hour,” said the nurse.

The nurse walks into a room behind the counter.

“Dean, while we are waiting we should go shopping at the Pokémart,” said Sakura.

“Sure,” said Dean.

Dean and Sakura walk out of the Pokémon centre. Dean looks around and sees a building with a blue roof. Dean walks over to the building and looks at the red letters that are above it. The letters say Pokémart.

“Sakura I’ve found it!” yells Dean.

Sakura runs over to Dean. Sakura smiles at Dean.

“Good job Dean,” said Sakura.

Dean smiles at Sakura.

“Thanks Sakura,” said Dean.

Dean and Sakura walk into the Pokémart. There are several shelves lined with Pokémon goods throughout the store.

“Dean, we should buy some extra Pokéballs,” said Sakura.

“Sure,” said Dean.

Dean and Sakura walk down one of the isles. Dean sees a bin full of empty Pokéballs. Dean walks over to the bin and picks up four Pokéballs. Sakura also walks over to the bin and picks up four Pokéballs.

“Let’s go to the cashier now,” said Sakura.

“Sure,” said Dean.

Dean and Sakura walk up to the cashier. The cashier has black hair and is wearing a green uniform. Dean and Sakura put the Pokéballs on the table.

“That will be 800 Poké each please,” said the cashier.

Dean and Sakura both took out their wallets and pulled out some bills. They handed the bills to the cashier. They took there Pokéballs off the counter and put them in their pockets. Dean and Sakura walked out of the Pokémart. Dean lifted his arm up and checked his watch.

“Sakura, it’s been half an hour we better head back to the Pokémon centre now,” said Dean.

“Time went by fast,” said Sakura.

Dean and Sakura walked back to the Pokémon centre. Dean and Sakura walked up to the counter. The nurse saw them and pulled out two trays.

“your Pokémon are ready for you,” said the nurse.

Dean and Sakura took their Pokémon off of the trays and put them on their belts. Dean and Sakura then heard a scream from outside. They ran out side to see what was wrong. Dean looked around and saw a man wearing a red uniform with a hoodie that had horns on it. Beside the man was a big mouse with a long body, blue head, blue back, yellow chin, yellow stomach, red and yellow fame on its butt and a red and yellow flame on top of its head. Dean pulled out his Pokédex and pointed it at the mouse.

Quilava the volcano Pokémon, Quilava keeps its foes at bay with the intensity of its flames and gusts of superheated air. This Pokémon applies its outstanding nimbleness to dodge attacks even while scorching the foe with flames,” said the Pokédex.

Dean put his Pokédex away and turned around to look for the scream.

“Quilava, use flamethrower on the house!” said the man.

Dean turned around and looked at the man and saw the Quilava spray flames out of its mouth. The flames hit the house and set it on fire. Dean took a Pokéball off of his belt and threw it into the air.

“Go Poochyena!” said Dean.

Dean’s Poochyena came out of the Pokéball. The man turned around and looked at Dean.

“Poochyena, use tackle!” said Dean.

“Quilava, use flamethrower on that runt!” said the man.

Poochyena charged towards Quilava. Quilava opened its mouth and sprayed a stream of flames towards Poochyena. The flames hit Poochyena. Poochyena fell over and fainted. Dean pointed a Pokéball at Poochyena.

“Poochyena, return!” said Dean.

A red light came out of the Pokéball, covered Poochyena and sucked it into the Pokéball. Dean put Poochyena’s Pokéball back onto his belt. Dean then heard sirens approaching. Dean turned around and saw a police motorcycle. The Police motorcycle was being driven by a woman with green hair that was wearing a police uniform. The man got a nervous look on his face.

“Quilava, use smokescreen!” said the man.

Quilava opened its mouth and a bunch of smoke came out and surrounded the area. Dean started to cough.

“Dean, are you alright?” said Sakura.

Dean looked over at Sakura.

“I’m fine,” answered Dean.

The police officer walked up to Dean.

“Did you see where he went?” asked the police officer.

Dean looked at the police officer.

“No I didn’t,” answered Dean.

“That’s too bad,” said the police officer.

The police officer took a Pokéball off of her belt and threw it into the air.

‘Go Croconaw, use water gun to put out the fire!” said the police officer.

A big crocodile with a blue head, yellow jaw, yellow and blue stomach and red spikes on its head and neck came out of the Pokéball. Croconaw opened up its mouth and released a large burst of water towards the fire. The water hit the fire and put it out. Dean pulled out his Pokédex and pointed it at Croconaw.

“Croconaw the big jaw Pokémon, Once Croconaw has clamped its jaws on its foe, it will absolutely not let go. Because the tips of its fangs are forked back like barbed fishhooks, they become impossible to remove when they have sunk in.

Dean put his Pokédex back into his pocket.

“Dean we should go inside,” said Sakura.

“Sure,” said Dean.

Sakura noticed that Dean’s face was pale. Sakura led Dean into the Pokémon centre. Sakura and Dean walked to the front counter.

“Miss, can we get a room for the night?” asked Sakura.

“Sure,” answered the nurse.

The nurse handed Sakura a room key that had the number 13 on it. Sakura led Dean to the room and opened the door. Sakura led Dean into the room and helped him over to the bed. Dean went onto the bed and fainted.
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  #8    
Old September 27th, 2008, 07:44 PM
Blue Screen of Death's Avatar
Blue Screen of Death
Wait, what?
 
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: Wherever
Age: 19
Gender: Male
Nature: Quirky
Two chapters in one day, what craziness is this? Since An-chan covered chapter three (sorta) I'll deal with chapter four.

Quote:
Originally Posted by PurpleStealth View Post
Chapter four

“Dean I think I see Oldale Town,” said Sakura.

Dean smiled at Sakura and then looked at a small town that was in the distance.

“I wonder what sort of adventures await us in Oldale,” said Dean.

Dean and Sakura then began to walk towards Oldale Town. After awhile they arrive on the out skirts of the Town. Dean looks around and spots a red roofed building that was the trade mark of all Pokémon centres.
A few things here. See the word in bold? That should be looked, not looks. When typed as looks it makes the reader think you are suddenly writing in second person, when in reality you are writing in third. Also, why must you repeat the characters names so many times instead of saying 'he' or 'she' or even 'it', whatever!

Quote:
Originally Posted by PurpleStealth View Post
“Sakura lets go to the Pokémon centre to heal our Pokémon,” said Dean.

“Sure,” said Sakura.

Dean and Sakura walk up to the Pokémon centre. They walk through the sliding doors and go to the main counter where a young lady with pink hair wearing a nurse’s uniform is.
The bold letter is fixed, it was 'are' instead of 'our.' See the difference? Still, a few spots where it seems to be in second person, when I do believe it is actually in third still.

Quote:
Originally Posted by PurpleStealth View Post
“Miss can you heal are Pokémon?” asked Dean and Sakura in unison.

“Sure,” answered the nurse.

The nurse smiles and pulls out two trays. Dean and Sakura put there Pokémon on the trays. The nurse picks up the trays.
What the heck, two elementary mistakes in a row? Unless English is not your native language, how do you mistake "are" for "our"? So this time I did not fix it. One more mistake like that and this review is over!

Quote:
Originally Posted by PurpleStealth View Post
“Your Pokémon will be ready in half an hour,” said the nurse.

The nurse walks into a room behind the counter.

“Dean, while we are waiting we should go shopping at the Pokémart,” said Sakura.

“Sure,” said Dean.

Dean and Sakura walk out of the Pokémon centre. Dean looks around and sees a building with a blue roof. Dean walks over to the building and looks at the red letters that are above it. The letters say Pokémart.
Why do yuo keep writing in second person, when you are doing it wrong? If you meant to write in that style, this is what it should look like. "You see a big, black ball and walk up to it." Get it, got it, doubt it.

Quote:
Originally Posted by PurpleStealth View Post
“Sakura I’ve found it!” yells Dean.

Sakura runs over to Dean. Sakura smiles at Dean.

“Good job Dean,” said Sakura.

Dean smiles at Sakura.

“Thanks Sakura,” said Dean.

Dean and Sakura walk into the Pokémart. There are several shelves lined with Pokémon goods throughout the store.
Blah blah blah second person blah blah blah.

Quote:
Originally Posted by PurpleStealth View Post
“Dean, we should buy some extra Pokéballs,” said Sakura.

“Sure,” said Dean.

Dean and Sakura walk down one of the isles. Dean sees a bin full of empty Pokéballs. Dean walks over to the bin and picks up four Pokéballs. Sakura also walks over to the bin and picks up four Pokéballs.
I am done annoying you about second person writing, but please, if you must write that way, DO IT RIGHT!

Quote:
Originally Posted by PurpleStealth View Post
“Let’s go to the cashier now,” said Sakura.

“Sure,” said Dean.

Dean and Sakura walk up to the cashier. The cashier has black hair and is wearing a green uniform. Dean and Sakura put the Pokéballs on the table.

“That will be 800 Poké each please,” said the cashier.

Dean and Sakura both took out their wallets and pulled out some bills. They handed the bills to the cashier. They took there Pokéballs off the counter and put them in their pockets. Dean and Sakura walked out of the Pokémart. Dean lifted his arm up and checked his watch.

“Sakura, it’s been half an hour we better head back to the Pokémon centre now,” said Dean.

“Time went by fast,” said Sakura.

Dean and Sakura walked back to the Pokémon centre. Dean and Sakura walked up to the counter. The nurse saw them and pulled out two trays.

“your Pokémon are ready for you,” said the nurse.

Dean and Sakura took their Pokémon off of the trays and put them on their belts. Dean and Sakura then heard a scream from outside. They ran out side to see what was wrong. Dean looked around and saw a man wearing a red uniform with a hoodie that had horns on it. Beside the man was a big mouse with a long body, blue head, blue back, yellow chin, yellow stomach, red and yellow fame on its butt and a red and yellow flame on top of its head. Dean pulled out his Pokédex and pointed it at the mouse.

Quilava the volcano Pokémon, Quilava keeps its foes at bay with the intensity of its flames and gusts of superheated air. This Pokémon applies its outstanding nimbleness to dodge attacks even while scorching the foe with flames,” said the Pokédex.

Dean put his Pokédex away and turned around to look for the scream.

“Quilava, use flamethrower on the house!” said the man.

Dean turned around and looked at the man and saw the Quilava spray flames out of its mouth. The flames hit the house and set it on fire. Dean took a Pokéball off of his belt and threw it into the air.

“Go Poochyena!” said Dean.

Dean’s Poochyena came out of the Pokéball. The man turned around and looked at Dean.

“Poochyena, use tackle!” said Dean.

“Quilava, use flamethrower on that runt!” said the man.

Poochyena charged towards Quilava. Quilava opened its mouth and sprayed a stream of flames towards Poochyena. The flames hit Poochyena. Poochyena fell over and fainted. Dean pointed a Pokéball at Poochyena.

“Poochyena, return!” said Dean.

A red light came out of the Pokéball, covered Poochyena and sucked it into the Pokéball. Dean put Poochyena’s Pokéball back onto his belt. Dean then heard sirens approaching. Dean turned around and saw a police motorcycle. The Police motorcycle was being driven by a woman with green hair that was wearing a police uniform. The man got a nervous look on his face.

“Quilava, use smokescreen!” said the man.

Quilava opened its mouth and a bunch of smoke came out and surrounded the area. Dean started to cough.

“Dean, are you alright?” said Sakura.

Dean looked over at Sakura.

“I’m fine,” answered Dean.

The police officer walked up to Dean.

“Did you see where he went?” asked the police officer.

Dean looked at the police officer.

“No I didn’t,” answered Dean.

“That’s too bad,” said the police officer.

The police officer took a Pokéball off of her belt and threw it into the air.

‘Go Croconaw, use water gun to put out the fire!” said the police officer.

A big crocodile with a blue head, yellow jaw, yellow and blue stomach and red spikes on its head and neck came out of the Pokéball. Croconaw opened up its mouth and released a large burst of water towards the fire. The water hit the fire and put it out. Dean pulled out his Pokédex and pointed it at Croconaw.

“Croconaw the big jaw Pokémon, Once Croconaw has clamped its jaws on its foe, it will absolutely not let go. Because the tips of its fangs are forked back like barbed fishhooks, they become impossible to remove when they have sunk in.

Dean put his Pokédex back into his pocket.

“Dean we should go inside,” said Sakura.

“Sure,” said Dean.

Sakura noticed that Dean’s face was pale. Sakura led Dean into the Pokémon centre. Sakura and Dean walked to the front counter.

“Miss, can we get a room for the night?” asked Sakura.

“Sure,” answered the nurse.

The nurse handed Sakura a room key that had the number 13 on it. Sakura led Dean to the room and opened the door. Sakura led Dean into the room and helped him over to the bed. Dean went onto the bed and fainted.
GAHHH! WHAT IS THIS? Sorry for the harshness, but why? You use the characters names as the only way of telling the reader that they are doing whatever it is they are doing! Fix that! Otherwise, this story reaks of unoriginality, so please come up with a better idea than this, please. Luckily, you didn't make any mistakes a first grader would get right, but my statement about them still stands. Please, for the sake of Pete, READ ANY OF THESE, AT LEAST ONE!
Grammar
Basic
The hitchhikers gui- I mean Thesis's guide.
And use any of the websites in this thread.
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  #9    
Old September 28th, 2008, 07:34 AM
An-chan's Avatar
An-chan
Whoops.
 
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: Finland
Age: 23
Do you even read these reviews? You know, we're not trying to annoy you by criticizing you, we're trying to help. If you go on like this, you'll only end up irritating people and getting your fic locked for lack of quality. Please, please read some of those links!

Quote:
“Good job Dean,” said Sakura.

Dean smiles at Sakura.

“Thanks Sakura,” said Dean.

Dean and Sakura walk into the Pokémart. There are several shelves lined with Pokémon goods throughout the store.
Did you notice that you have changed the tense you're writing in? You can't just mix past tense and present tense. You have to choose either one of them! So, please use "says" instead of "said" or cange all the other verbs to match the tense used. And also, use pronouns, pronouns! You can't just use their names over and over and over again in the same paragraph or even the same sentence!

Don't you think the "building set on fire"-scene was gone a bit too fast? Why didn't anyone chase the culprit? I like the way there seems to be a plot now, but if there is, you can't just ignore things like that. Remember to be original!
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  #10    
Old September 28th, 2008, 01:48 PM
PurpleStealth's Avatar
PurpleStealth
Poison Trainer
 
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: Where the wind blows
Age: 22
Gender:
Thanks again for the advice SupahFunk and An-chan. An-chan i have been reading your reviews and SupahFunk's reviews. SupahFunk i have gone to all the links you gave me and read through them. I will make my best effort to make this story more bearable. Here is chapter five. I hope you all enjoy it.

Something I must ask: Who here thinks i should continue writing this?
Comments wanted.
Chapter Five

Dean woke up and noticed that he was lying on a bed.

“Where am I?” asked Dean.

“You are in one of the rooms in the Pokémon centre,” answered Sakura.

Dean got up and looked at Sakura.

“What happened to me?” asked Dean.

“You fainted,” answered Sakura.

Dean got a confused look on his face.

“I don’t remember much,” said Dean.

“It looks like your still in shock from what happened,” said Sakura.

“What happened?” asked Dean.

“You tried to be a hero,” answered Sakura.

Dean started to get flash backs of the weird man with the Quilava.

“I think I remember a little bit of what happened,” said Dean.

Dean started to head towards the door but Sakura grabbed his arm.

“Where do you think your going in your condition?” asked Sakura.

Dean looked at Sakura and ripped his arm out of her grasp. She stared at him with tears in her eyes.

“Sorry Sakura but I’ve got to find him,” said Dean.

She slapped him across the face. He put his hand over where she slapped and stared at he hurt eyes.

“Dean, you need to rest don’t try to be a hero,” said Sakura.

He looked down at the ground and then looked back at her.

“Sorry Sakura, I let my pride take over,” said Dean.

Sakura walked over to Dean and hugged him. He started to blush.

“I’m just glad you’re alright,” said Sakura.

“Thank you,” said Dean.

Sakura let go of him and they stared at each other for a long time.

“Dean we should leave now, we can’t stay here forever,” said Sakura.

Dean looked at Sakura and could tell that she wanted to change the subject.

“Sure,” said Dean.

They left the room and walked into the lobby. Sakura walked over to the counter and gave the nurse the room key. She walked back over to Dean. She noticed that he still looked pale. She wanted to get him out of the town as soon as possible. She grabbed his arm and they walked out of the Pokémon centre. She led him to the out skirts of town. He looked at her and knew that she wanted to get out of the town as soon as possible.

“Sakura,” said Dean.

She stopped walking and looked at him.

“Yes Dean?” asked Sakura.

“Thank you for everything you’ve done,” answered Dean.

Sakura blushed and then continued walking.

“Yo kiddies,” said a voice.

Sakura and Dean stopped walking and turned around. He saw a man wearing the exact same uniform as the guy who had the Quilava. He glared at the man.

“What do you want punk?” asked Dean angrily.

“I was wondering if you two wanted to join Team Magma,” answered the man.

Dean took a Pokéball off of his belt.

“Not a chance,” said Dean.

The man grinned at Dean.

“Well it seems I’ve met a kid with some guts,” said the man.

The man also took a Pokéball off of his belt.

“I will make you regret challenging Team Magma,” said the man.

“Shut up!” yelled Dean.

Dean threw the Pokéball he was holding into the air.

“Go Poochyena!” said Dean.

Dean’s Poochyena materialized out of the Pokéball. The man started to laugh.

“What’s so funny?” said Dean.

“Your Poochyena,” answered the man.

The man threw the Pokéball he was holding into the air.

“Go Cyndaquil, crush that Poochyena!” said the man.

A small mouse with a blue head, blue back, a yellow face, a yellow stomach and a red and yellow flame coming from its back had materialized from the Pokéball. Dean took out his Pokédex and pointed it at the mouse.

“Cyndaquil the fire mouse Pokémon, Cyndaquil protects itself by flaring up the flames on its back. The flames are vigorous if the Pokémon is angry. However, if it is tired, the flames splutter fitfully with incomplete combustion,” said the Pokédex.

Dean put his Pokédex away.

“Poochyena, use tackle!” said Dean.

“Cyndaquil, use flame wheel!” said the man.

Poochyena charged at Cyndaquil. Flames surrounded Cyndaquil. Cyndaquil charged towards Poochyena. Both Pokémon rammed into each other but Cyndaquil’s attack was stronger. Poochyena was flung into the air.

“Poochyena!” yelled Dean.

Dean got a flash back of the battle he had with the Quilava. He didn’t want Poochyena to get hurt any more. He ran over to Poochyena. He put his hand on Poochyena.

“Poochyena, that’s enough,” said Dean.

He turned around to face the man.

“This battles over you win,” said Dean.

The man grinned evilly.

“I’m not finished with you yet boy,” said the man.

Dean glared at the man.

“Cyndaquil, use flame wheel on the boy!” said the man.

Cyndaquil became covered in flames and started to run towards Dean. Cyndaquil rammed into his stomach and sent him flying into a tree. He fell over and didn’t move. Sakura screamed.

“Dean!” yelled Sakura.

She ran over to him.

“Dean, wake up!” screamed Sakura.

He didn’t move. Poochyena slowly got to its feet and started to howl. The man started to laugh.

“Looks like I made the babies angry,” said the man.

Poochyena stopped howling and glared at the man. His fur started to bristle. He wanted to make the man pay for what he did to Dean. Poochyena started to glow.

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  #11    
Old September 28th, 2008, 02:17 PM
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An-chan
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Well, it's getting better, so I'd like to see the next chapter. This chapter is far more interesting than the ones before and your writing has improved, too. You should just add a bit more depth in your characters, maybe, like telling about their past (you said they were childhood friends, why don't you tell a bit something about that?) or such. And hey, nice cliffhanger you got there!

There's one thing I'd like to complain about, though:
Quote:
A small mouse with a blue head, blue back, a yellow face, a yellow stomach and a red and yellow flame coming from its back had materialized from the Pokéball. Dean took out his Pokédex and pointed it at the mouse.
You really don't need to be that precise when describing a new Pokémon. Saying "a small blue and yellow creature with flames on its back" is enough, I think. That way it seems a lot less like a list and thus keeps your readers more interested.

I'd like to ask you something. Is English your native language? Cause it isn't mine, I'm Finnish ^-^ So I'm curious to know.
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  #12    
Old September 28th, 2008, 02:26 PM
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Thanks for the kind words An-chan. I will work hard on the next chapter. Also An-chan my native language is english. Thanks for asking about that.
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  #13    
Old September 28th, 2008, 05:28 PM
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Blue Screen of Death
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I do not have time for a lengthy review right now so here goes my short review.

With an obvious lack of pronouns your story does still seem a little annoying to read, but with the whole second person/third person problem fixed, I can see this going somewhere. Almost. That's right, I said almost. Throughout your story obvious bits of stereotype have been seen, and future bits have been hinted at. Take for example the part where Sakura hugs Dean, that is a BIG hint at a future romance bit, which is unneeded, but still workable. Not to mention the whole "lets go on a journey!" thing is quite overused. Not that I'm saying you should stop writing, on the contrary actually. You should improve. Some writers don't listen to their reviewers, and therefore don't get better very fast. My advice would be to try your best to finish up this fic and try something bigger. For an idea on what bigger could mean, read some of the stories in the archive. They are put there for a reason. Lastly, to answer the question at the top of this chapter, that is entirely up to you. Me, I have left a few unfinished stories *coughAbsoltalescough* but that doesn't matter. What matters is what you want to do with this story, not anyone else. Take it from me, just because someone doesn't like it does not mean you should give up. That is only one opinion. Just do what you think you should do, and write it however you want. I learned that the hard way.Of course, that contadicts my whole "this is a stereotype" comment, but oh well. I guess this didn't really review your story much, but still. Maybe I'll go through an in-depth review tomorrow.
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  #14    
Old October 4th, 2008, 08:26 AM
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Thank you for the kind words SupahFunk. Here is chapter six. Hope you all enjoy it.

Chapter six

There was a loud howling noise. Dean opened his eyes and saw Poochyena howling.

“Poochyena,” said Dean in a weak voice.

“Dean, are you alright?” asked Sakura in a worried voice.

Dean struggled to his feet.

“I’ll be fine,” answered Dean.

Dean looked over at Poochyena and saw him start to glow. When Poochyena stopped glowing a big gray and black dog that had two ears, two red eyes and a red nose was where he had been. Dean took out his Pokédex and pointed it at the dog.

“Mightyena the bite Pokémon and the evolved form of Poochyena, It chases down prey in a pack. It will never disobey the commands of a skilled Trainer,” said the Pokédex.

Dean put away his Pokédex and started to walk towards Mightyena.

“Guess you want to win as much as I do,” said Dean.

Mightyena turned around and looked at Dean. He grinned and turned around to face the man.

“This battle isn’t over yet,” said Dean.

The man started to laugh.

“It seems you’ve found some guts,” said the man.

“Mightyena, use bite!” said Dean.

Mightyena lunged at Cyndaquil with its fangs bared. The man stopped laughing.

“Cyndaquil, use flamethrower!” said the man.

Cyndaquil opened its mouth and released a stream of fire towards Mightyena. He dove through the fire and bite onto his head. He lifted him into the air and threw him into a tree. He fell to the ground and fainted. The man got a shocked look on his face.

“Impossible,” said the man.

The man pointed a Pokéball at Cyndaquil. A red light came out of the Pokéball, covered him and sucked him inside. The man turned around and ran away.

“Good work Mightyena,” said Dean.

Mightyena walked over to Dean and started to rub its head against his leg. He patted him on the head. Sakura walked over to him.

“Are you sure you’re going to be alright?” asked Sakura.

Dean looked at Sakura and forced a smile.

“Don’t worry,” answered Dean.

Dean pointed a Pokéball at Mightyena.

“Thanks pal, now take a rest,” said Dean.

A red light came out of the Pokéball, covered Mightyena and sucked him inside. Dean put the Pokéball on his belt and walked over to Sakura.

“We better hurry on to Petalburg City before it gets dark,” said Dean.

Sakura looked at Dean with a worried look on her face.

“Dean, you shouldn’t push yourself,” said Sakura.

Dean didn’t answer and started to walk deeper into the forest. Sakura followed him.

“Dean what’s wrong with you?” asked Sakura in a hurt voice.

“Nothing its just I don’t feel like talking right now,” answered Dean.

There was silence for a long time. Sakura looked up at the trees and saw a tough looking blue, red and white bird with a wide beak sitting on a tree branch.

“Dean, look up at that tree there,” said Sakura.

Dean stopped walking and turned around. He looked up at the tree and saw the bird. He took out his Pokédex and pointed it at the bird.

“Taillow the TinySwallow Pokémon, It dislikes cold seasons. They migrate to other lands in search of warmth, flying over 180 miles a day,” said the Pokédex.

Dean put away his Pokédex and turned around.

“Dean, maybe you should catch it,” said Sakura.

Dean turned around and looked at Sakura.

“Why?” asked Dean.

Sakura forced a smile.

“It might cheer you up if you have a new friend on your team,” said Sakura.

Dean looked up at Taillow.

“Thank you for saying that,” said Dean.

Dean took a Pokéball off of his belt and threw it into the air.

“Go Treecko!” said Dean.

Treecko materialized out of the Pokéball. Dean felt his confidence come back and was thanks to what Sakura had said.

“Treecko, use pound!” said Dean.

Treecko ran up the tree and went onto the tree branch Taillow was on. She had her eyes closed. He ran up to her and hit her in the face with his tail. She fell out of the tree and hit the ground. She opened her eyes.

“Treecko, use pound one more time!” said Dean.

Treecko jumped out of the tree. Taillow looked up just before he hit her in the face with his tail. She went flying into the tree and fainted. Dean took a Pokéball off of his belt and threw it at her.

“Go Pokéball!” said Dean.

The Pokéball hit Taillow, covered her in a red light and sucked her inside. The Pokéball shook a few times then beeped shut. Dean walked over to the Pokéball picked it up and put it onto his belt. He looked over at Treecko.

“Good job,” said Dean.

Treecko smiled happily at Dean. He pointed a Pokéball at him.

“Take a long rest pal,” said Dean.

A red light came out of the Pokéball, covered Treecko and sucked him inside. Dean put the Pokéball onto his belt. Sakura looked at him and was glad that he was starting to act like his old self again.

“That was awesome,” said Sakura.

Dean looked at Sakura.

“Thank you for the confidence boost,” said Dean.

Dean turned around and started to walk deeper into the forest. Sakura followed him. He wanted to get stronger so that he could protect his friends. He pondered over how he would do this as they walked towards Petalburg City.
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  #15    
Old October 4th, 2008, 09:51 AM
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An-chan
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Hey, this is a lot better! You've increased the amount of pronouns, the grammar is better... Also I think you are describing things a lot better. You should still describe Dean's and Sakura's emotions more, as well as their pokémon's. But judging how much you have improved I think you can really write if you put your mind into it. A bit more effort and your text will be really worth reading.

Quote:
Cyndaquil opened its mouth and released a stream of fire towards Mightyena. He dove through the fire and bite onto his head. He lifted him into the air and threw him into a tree. He fell to the ground and fainted. The man got a shocked look on his face.
With all the "he" and "his" in this paragraph, I can't figure out who's who. It's funny to say this, but this paragraph, I think, has too many pronouns. You changed from having too few to having too many! But that just means you really think about what we say to you. Still, I think this part should be fixed, as it is a bit hazy that way.

And, the plot seems to be getting on, too, but I have a suggestion for you.
To keep the readers interested, you should end your chapters in a cliffhanger like you did last time. You know what a cliffhanger is, right? The fifth chapter ended well, it left some real thrill in the air, but this one has a bit lame ending. I like it how you tell that Dean's a bit troubled, but I think the ending could be better.

Anyway, keep this kind of improvement up and you'll be hired by some publisher soon
I hope my review helps you!
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  #16    
Old October 4th, 2008, 01:21 PM
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PurpleStealth
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thank you for the kind words An-chan, they have given me more confidence in my writing skills. Here is chapter seven. hope you all enjoy it.

Dean and Sakura walked out of the forest.

“That was a long walk,” said Sakura.

“Yeah,” replied Dean.

Dean looked around and saw a City in the distance.

“I think I see Petalburg City,” said Dean.

Dean and Sakura started to walk towards the city.

“I’m going to challenge the gym leader,” said Dean.

Sakura looked at Dean.

“People don’t usually go to Petalburg for their first gym battle,” said Sakura.

Dean looked at Sakura.

“I want to fight strong opponents so that I can get stronger,” said Dean.

Sakura got a worried look on her face. Dean noticed and forced a smile.

“Don’t worry,” said Dean.

When they got to the city Dean started to look around for the gym. There were several small shops and houses around the city. Out of the corner of his eye Dean saw a sign that said gym. He turned and saw a large rectangular building with a brown roof.

“So this is the Petalburg gym,” said Dean.

Sakura looked at Dean.

“Are you sure about this?” asked Sakura.

Dean looked at Sakura and grinned.

“Sure am,” answered Dean.

Dean and Sakura walked into the gym. There was a large brown battlefield on the inside of the gym.

“I see I have a challenger,” said a voice.

A tall man with black hair wearing a brown top and tan colored pants walked up to Dean. Dean looked at the man.

“Are you the gym leader?” asked Dean.

The man smiled.

“My names Norman and I’m the Petalburg gym leader,” answered the man.

Dean grinned.

“My name is Dean Sanford and I challenge you to a gym battle,” said Dean.

“Very well I accept your challenge,” said Norman.

Norman walked to the far end of the field and stood in a small white rectangle that was drawn on the floor. Dean walked to one that was opposite to Norman. A referee with brown hair wearing a referee uniform and holding two flags one red and one green stood at the edge of the battlefield.

“This will be a three versus three match between the challenger Dean and gym leader Norman, only the challenger can make substitutions!” said the referee.

The referee raised the flags into the air.

“Now begin!” said the referee.

The referee swung the flags down. Norman took a Pokéball off of his belt and threw it into the air.

“Go Slakoth!” said Norman.

A tan colored sloth with a big pink nose and two brown stripes on its back materialized out of the pokéball. Dean took out his Pokédex and pointed it at the sloth.

“Slakoth the slacker Pokémon, It sleeps for 20 hours every day. Making drowsy those that see it is one of its abilities,” said the Pokédex.

Dean put away his Pokédex and took a Pokéball off of his belt. He threw it into the air.

“Go Mightyena!” said Dean.

Mightyena materialized from the Pokéball.

“Mightyena, use tackle!” said Dean.

Mightyena charged at Slakoth.

“Slakoth, dodge then use brick break!” said Norman.

Slakoth’s right arm glowed white. He nimbly dodged and smashed his arm into Mightyena’s back leg. Mightyena fell over in pain.

“Slakoth, finish with one more brick break!” said Norman.

Slakoth’s right arm started to glow. He raised his arm and brought it down on Mightyena’s neck. He fainted.

“No Mightyena,” said Dean.

The referee raised the red flag into the air.

“Mightyena is unable to battle Slakoth is the winner!” said the referee.

Dean pointed a Pokéball at Mightyena.

“Mightyena, return!” said Dean.

A red light came out of the Pokéball, covered Mightyena and sucked him inside. Dean looked at the Pokéball.

“Take a nice rest pal,” said Dean.

Dean put the Pokéball back onto his belt and took off another one. He threw it into the air.

“Go Taillow!” said Dean.

Taillow materialized from the Pokéball. She looked at Dean and then looked at Slakoth.

“Taillow, use wing attack!” said Dean.

Taillow dove at Slakoth. Her wings started to glow white.

“Slakoth, use thunder!” said Norman.

A large blast of electricity came out of Slakoth and hit Taillow. When the electricity faded she fell to the ground and fainted. The referee raised the red flag into the air.

“Taillow is unable to battle Slakoth is the winner!” said the referee.

Dean pointed a Pokéball at Taillow.

“Taillow, return!” said Dean.

A red light came out of the Pokéball, covered Taillow and sucked her inside. Dean put the Pokéball back onto his belt and took off his final one. He threw it into the air.

“Go Treecko!” said dean.

Treecko materialized from the Pokéball.

“Treecko, use pound!” said Dean.

Treecko charged at Slakoth.

“Slakoth, use flamethrower!” said Norman.

Slakoth released a stream of flames out of its mouth towards Treecko. The flames hit him. When the flames stopped he fell to the ground badly burned.

“Treecko, please get up!” said Dean.

Treecko slowly struggled back to its feet and started to glow.
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  #17    
Old October 5th, 2008, 09:42 AM
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Blue Screen of Death
Wait, what?
 
Join Date: Jun 2008
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Quote:
Originally Posted by PurpleStealth View Post
“Slakoth the slacker Pokémon, It sleeps for 20 hours every day. Making drowsy those that see it is one of its abilities,” said the Pokédex.
Grammar alert! It should say this: "“Slakoth the slacker Pokémon, It sleeps for 20 hours every day. Making those who see it become drowsy is one of its abilities,” said the Pokédex.
Quote:
Originally Posted by PurpleStealth View Post
A red light came out of the Pokéball, covered Mightyena, and sucked him inside. Dean looked at the Pokéball.
I added a comma, it is in bold. It should have been there in the first place. I found something you should know not to do! DO NOT MESS WITH THE FONT SIZE/TYPE!I didn't see it until now, but messing with the size is a cheap way of making your story look longer, and messing with the font type is against the rules. Please, stick to the forum default. Other than that, you have to little pronouns, again! Right after having said a characters name he/she/it is an appropriate way of labeling them! Until another character name is used, he/she/it is okay to use. Otherwise, this fic is heading down a well beaten road, but you are doing it good, so keep it up!
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  #18    
Old October 5th, 2008, 12:21 PM
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PurpleStealth
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Thank you for the review SupahFunk. Sorry about the font, it will never happen again.
Here is chapter eight. Hope you all enjoy it.


Chapter eight

A green flame-like glow surrounded Treecko. Dean got a surprised look on his face.

“What is happening?” asked Dean.

Norman chuckled.

“Your Treecko is using an ability called overgrow,” answered Norman.

Dean looked at Norman.

“What does overgrow do?” asked Dean.

“When Treecko has lost a lot of health overgrow kicks in, it doubles the attack power of all grass type attacks,” answered Norman.

Dean grinned.

“Treecko, use absorb!” said Dean.

A green glow surrounded Treecko. The green glow went over to Slakoth and surrounded him. After awhile the green light went back to Treecko. All the burn marks disappeared from his body. Slakoth looked unfazed.

“Slakoth use fire blast!” said Norman.

Slakoth spewed out a big star of fire towards Treecko. The star hit him and he became engulfed in flames. When the flames dispersed he fell over and fainted. The referee lifted the red flag into the air.

“Treecko is unable to battle and the winner of this match is Norman and his Slakoth!” said the referee.

Dean pointed a Pokéball at Treecko.

“You did a good job pal,” said Dean.

A red light came out of the Pokéball, covered Treecko and sucked him inside. He put the Pokéball back onto his belt. Norman walked over to him.

“I could tell by watching how you fought that this was your first gym battle,” said Norman.

Dean looked at Norman.

“Was it that noticeable?” asked Dean.

“Quite frankly yes,” answered Norman.

Dean frowned.

“Good bye,” said Dean.

Dean turned around and started to walk.

“Come back to face me once you’ve earned a few badges,” said Norman.

Dean walked out of the gym. Sakura followed him.

“You didn’t do that bad,” said Sakura.

“Don’t worry I’m not a sore loser,” said Dean.

Sakura got a worried look on her face. She could tell Dean was depressed about losing and didn’t want to show it. She suddenly got an idea.

“Dean, I heard there was a gym in Rustboro and it’s not that far from here,” said Sakura.

Dean stopped walking and turned around to look at Sakura.

“I also heard that there are a lot of good places to train on the way there,” said Sakura.

Dean knew that Sakura was trying to make him feel better. He forced a smile.

“Sure why not,” said Dean.

Dean and Sakura walked to the outskirts of Petalburg City.

“I wonder who the gym leader of Rustboro is?” asked Dean.

“We’ll find out when we get there,” answered Sakura.

Dean and Sakura walked into the Petalburg woods.

“Help me!” screamed a voice.

Dean and Sakura got worried looks on their faces.

“Someone’s in trouble,” said Dean.

Dean and Sakura ran over to where they heard the scream and saw a man with brown hair wearing a green business suit.

“What’s wrong?” asked Dean.

The man pointed. Dean looked to where the man was pointing and saw a man wearing a similar uniform to the one he met in Oldale. He glared at the man.

“You kids go on home or you’ll regret it,” said the man.

Dean took a Pokéball off of his belt. The man grinned.

“Don’t blame me if you get hurt,” said the man.

The man took a Pokéball off of his belt and threw it into the air.

“Go Charmander!” said the man.


A red lizard that had a light yellowish color on its stomach with red and orange fire on the tip of its long tail materialized from the pokeball. Dean took out his Pokédex and pointed it at the lizard.


“Charmander the lizard Pokémon, from the time it is born, a flame burns at the tip of its tail. Its life would end if the flame were to go out,” said the Pokédex.

Dean put away his Pokédex and threw the Pokéball he was holding into the air.

“Go Taillow!” said Dean.

Taillow materialized from the Pokéball.

“Taillow, use quick attack!” said Dean.

Taillow dived towards Charmander.

“Charmander, use metal claw!” said the man.

Charmander’s hands started to glow. He swung them forward.

“Taillow, use wing attack!” said Dean.

Taillow’s wings started to glow. She swung her wings forward while she was diving rapidly. Her wings collide with Charmander’s hands. The impact created a small explosion and dust rose into the air.
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  #19    
Old October 6th, 2008, 07:13 PM
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PurpleStealth
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Here is chapter nine. Hope you all enjoy it. Comments wanted.

Chapter nine

“Taillow, are you alright!” said Dean.

Taillow flew out of the cloud of dust. When the dust cleared Charmander was lying fainted on the ground. The man glared at Dean.

“You will regret having messed with Team Magma,” said the man.

The man pointed a Pokéball at Charmander. A red light came out of the Pokéball, covered him and sucked him inside. He put the Pokéball back onto his belt turned around and ran away.

“That was easy,” said Dean.

Dean turned around and walked over to the man who was standing underneath a tree. Sakura was beside him.

“Are you alright?” asked Dean.

The man smiled at Dean.

“I’ll be fine and thank you for saving me,” answered the man.

The man reached into his pocket and took out a green disc. He handed it to Dean. He looked at it.

“What is this?” asked Dean.

“That’s a tm and that particular one will teach the move bullet seed to any grass Pokémon,” answered the man.

Dean looked at the man.

“Why are you giving it to me?” asked Dean.

“It’s a thank you gift,” answered the man.

Dean put the disk in his pocket.

“Thank you,” said Dean.

The man turned around and walked away. Sakura smiled at Dean.

“You’re becoming popular,” said Sakura in a teasing voice.

A brown and grey acorn with two big flat eyes and two feet fell out of the tree Dean was standing under and hit him on the head. Sakura got a worried look on her face. The acorn rolled off of his head.

“Are you alright?” asked Sakura.

Dean rubbed his head with a painful expression on his face.

“I’ll be fine,” answered Dean.

Dean glared at the acorn. He took out his Pokédex and pointed it at the acorn.

“Seedot the acorn Pokémon, It hangs off branches and absorbs nutrients. When it finishes eating, its body becomes so heavy that it drops to the ground with a thump,” said the Pokédex.

Dean put away his Pokédex. He looked at Taillow who was flying around.

“Taillow, use quick attack!” said Dean.

Taillow stopped flying around and dived at Seedot. She rammed into him and he skidded.

“Taillow, use wing attack!” said Dean.

Taillow’s wings started to glow. She dived at Seedot and thrust both of her wings into him. He glowed and a large burst of light engulfed her. When the light vanished she fell to the ground and fainted. He also fell over and fainted. Dean looked at him with a surprised look on his face.

“That’s quite a powerful Seedot,” said Dean.

“Maybe you should catch it,” said Sakura.

“I think I will,” said Dean.

He took a Pokéball off of his belt and threw it at Seedot.

“Go Pokéball!” said Dean.

The Pokéball hit Seedot; a red light came out of the Pokéball, covered him and sucked him inside. He walked over to the Pokéball picked it up and put it on his belt. He then pointed a Pokéball at Taillow.

“Taillow, return!” said Dean.

A red came out of the Pokéball, covered Taillow and sucked her inside. Dean put the Pokéball back onto his belt. Sakura walked over to Dean.

“That was awesome,” said Sakura.

Dean looked at Sakura.

“Thank you,” said Dean.

Dean turned around and started to walk deeper into the woods. Sakura followed him and tripped on something.
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  #20    
Old October 9th, 2008, 11:23 AM
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PurpleStealth
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Join Date: Aug 2008
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Here is chapter ten. hope you all enjoy it. Comments wanted.

Chapter ten

Sakura fell to the ground; Dean turned around and helped her to her feet. She looked at what she tripped on and saw a pink round creature with two big ears, two hands and two feet lying on the ground.

“What is that?” asked Sakura.

“Why don’t you check your Pokédex,” answered Dean.

Sakura took out her Pokédex and pointed it at the creature.

“Whismur the whisper Pokémon, Usually, its cries are like quiet murmurs. If frightened, it shrieks at the same volume as a jet plane,” said the Pokédex.

Sakura put away her Pokédex and looked at Whismur. She was just lying on the ground not moving.

“I think something’s wrong,” said Sakura.

Sakura bent down and picked Whismur up. She put her hand on her head.

“Whismurs burning up, we better get her to a Pokémon centre,” said Sakura.

“Well then let’s hurry to Rustboro,” said Dean.

Sakura got up and started to run, dean followed her. After about half an hour of running they came out of the forest and saw a city in the distance. They ran towards the city, it took ten more minutes of running to get there.

“We better hurry and find the Pokémon centre,” said Sakura.

“Yeah,” said Dean.

Sakura and Dean ran into the city, they looked around for about six minutes and found the Pokémon centre. They ran inside and she ran up to the front counter where a nurse was.

“Nurse, can you please help this Whismur?” asked Sakura.

The nurse took Whismur out of Sakura’s hands and put her hand on her head.

“Whismur is running a fever, I’m going to have to treat it,” answered the nurse.

The nurse ran into a room behind the counter and Dean walked up to Sakura.

“I hope Whismur will be alright,” said Sakura.

Dean put his hand on Sakura’s shoulder.

“Don’t worry the nurse will do everything she can,” said Dean.

Sakura looked at Dean with a teary look in her eyes.

“I guess you’re right,” said Sakura.

Sakura and Dean walked over to a nearby bench and sat down. About an hour later the nurse walked out of the room and went up to them.

“How’s Whismur?” asked Sakura.

The nurse smiled.

“Whismur will be just fine,” answered the nurse.

Sakura sighed in relief.

“I’m glad,” said Sakura.

The nurse went back to the counter and Dean stood up.

“I’m going to head to the gym now,” said Dean.

Sakura got up.

“Dean I’m going with you,” said Sakura.

Dean looked at Sakura.

“You should go see Whismur,” said Dean.

Sakura got a confused look on her face.

“What do you mean,” asked Sakura.

Dean smiled.

“I know you’re worried about Whismur and that you’d rather be here until she gets better,” answered Dean.

Sakura blushed and turned around.

“Thank you,” said Sakura.

Sakura ran behind the counter and went into the room. Dean walked out of the Pokémon centre.

“I wonder where the gym is?” asked dean out loud.

“I can show you,” answered a voice.

A young girl with long black hair and wearing blue dress walked up to Dean.

“Sure,” said Dean.

Dean followed the girl to a large rectangular building with a brown roof. They walked inside, there was a large battle field with large stones all around it.

“What’s your name?” asked the girl.

Dean looked at her.

“My name is Dean Sanford,” answered Dean.

“My name is Roxanne and I’m the gym leader here,” said the girl.

Dean stared at Roxanne and then grinned.

“I challenge you to a gym battle,” said Dean.

Roxanne smiled.

“Very well then,” answered Roxanne.

Roxanne walked to the far end of the field. A referee walked out of a nearby room.

“Each trainer may use only two Pokémon each and only the challenger can make substitutions!” said the referee.

The referee raised both of the flags he was carrying into the air.

“Let the match begin!” said the referee.

The referee swung down both flags. Roxanne took a Pokéball off of her belt and threw it into the air.

“Go Geodude!” said Roxanne.

A rock with a grey round body, two eyes, two muscular arms and no legs materialized from the Pokéball. Dean took out his Pokédex and pointed it at the rock.

“Geodude the rock Pokémon, It climbs mountain paths using only the power of its arms. Because they look just like boulders lining paths, hikers may step on them without noticing,” said the Pokédex.

Dean put away his Pokédex, took a Pokéball off of his belt and threw it into the air.
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  #21    
Old October 9th, 2008, 11:26 AM
PurpleStealth's Avatar
PurpleStealth
Poison Trainer
 
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: Where the wind blows
Age: 22
Gender:
Here is chapter eleven. Hope you all enjoy it.

Chapter eleven

“Go Mightyena!” said Dean.

Mightyena materialized from the Pokéball.

“Mightyena, use tackle!” said Dean.

Mightyena charged towards Geodude.

“Geodude, use mega punch!” said Roxanne.

Geodude raised his right fist into the air, it started to glow and he swung it at Mightyena.

“Mightyena, duck!” said Dean.

Mightyena lowered himself under the mega punch, lunged forward and rammed his head into Geodude. He went flying and crashed into a rock. He fainted. Roxanne’s mouth dropped open in surprise. The referee raised the red flag into the air.

“Geodude is unable to battle, Mightyena is the winner!” said the referee.

Roxanne pointed a Pokéball at Geodude.

“Geodude, return!” said Roxanne.

A red light came out of the Pokéball, covered Geodude and sucked him inside.

“That’s a really strong Mightyena you have there,” said Roxanne.

Dean smiled.

“Thank you for the kind words,” said Dean.

Roxanne put the Pokéball back onto her belt and took off another one.

“This one won’t be so easy,” said Roxanne.

Roxanne threw the Pokéball into the air.

“Go Nosepass!” said Roxanne.

A blue stone with a big red nose, two stone-like hands and two small round stone-like feet materialized from the Pokéball. Dean took out his Pokédex and pointed it at the stone.
“Nosepass the compass Pokémon, Its nose is a magnet. As a result, this Pokémon always keeps its face pointing north,” said the Pokédex.

Dean put away his Pokédex.

“Mightyena, use tackle!” said Dean.

Mightyena charged at Nosepass.

“Nosepass, use zap cannon!” said Roxanne.

A yellow ball formed between Nosepass’s stone-like hands, he shot it at Mightyena and it missed. Mightyena rammed into Nosepass and he didn’t budge.

“Nosepass, use discharge!” said Roxanne.

Electricity lashed out of Nosepass in all directions, the electricity shocked Mightyena and he howled in pain. When the electricity stopped he fell over and fainted. The referee raised the green flag into the air.

“Mightyena is unable to battle, Nosepass is the winner!” said the referee.

Dean pointed a Pokéball at Mightyena.

“Mightyena, return!” said Dean.

A red light came out of the Pokéball, covered Mightyena and sucked him inside. Dean put the Pokéball back onto his belt and took off another one. He threw it into the air.

“Go Treecko!” said Dean.

Treecko materialized from the Pokéball.

“Treecko, use quick attack to get behind Nosepass!” said Dean.

Treecko charged forward quickly.

“Nosepass, use thunderbolt!” said Roxanne.

Electricity crackled around Nosepass, lightning burst out of him and went towards Treecko. He moved to the side and the lightning hit the ground. He went behind him. Dean’s plan was going perfectly and he knew he was right when he used the TM on Treecko when he was in the Pokémon centre.

“Treecko, use bullet seed!” said Dean.

Treecko opened his mouth, shot out a bunch of seeds, the seeds hit Nosepass and he cried out in pain.

“Nosepass, use lock on!” said Roxanne.

Nosepass spun his arms towards Treecko; a yellow circle went towards him and went on his stomach.

“Nosepass, use zap cannon!” said Roxanne.

A yellow ball formed in between Nosepass’s hands and he shot it at Treecko.

“Treecko, dodge it!” said dean.

Treecko jumped to the side, the ball followed him and hit him. There was a small explosion and Treecko was flung backwards. He hit the ground and got back to his feet. A flame-like green glow covered him.

“Treecko, use bullet seed!” said dean.

Treecko opened his mouth, shot out a bunch of seeds at Nosepass, they hit Nosepass and he fell over. He fainted. The referee raised the red flag into the air.

“Nosepass is unable to battle, Treecko is the winner and the challenger wins the match!” said the referee.

Roxanne pointed a Pokéball at Nosepass.

“Nosepass, return!” said Roxanne.

A red light came out of the Pokéball, covered Nosepass and sucked him inside. Roxanne put the Pokéball back onto her belt. Dean pointed a Pokéball at Treecko and smiled.

“You deserve a long rest!” said Dean.

A red light came out of the Pokéball, covered Treecko and sucked him inside. Dean put the Pokéball back onto his belt. Roxanne walked over to him and took a flat metal stone shaped object out of her pocket. She handed it to him.

“I present you with the stone badge,” said Roxanne.

Dean looked at Roxanne and put the badge in his pocket.

“Thank you,” said Dean.

Dean turned around and walked out of the gym. A man wearing a Team Magma uniform ran past him.
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  #22    
Old October 9th, 2008, 11:40 AM
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An-chan
Whoops.
 
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: Finland
Age: 23
Um, slow down a bit! I don't have any time to read these when you just keep posting the next chapter ;_; I'm something like 3 chapters late. Give it a rest for a while, so you have more time to write and spell check and we can read these...
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  #23    
Old October 13th, 2008, 04:04 PM
PurpleStealth's Avatar
PurpleStealth
Poison Trainer
 
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: Where the wind blows
Age: 22
Gender:
I post fast because i have alot of free time on my hands.

Here is chapter twelve. Hope you all enjoy it.


Chapter twelve


“Stop thief!” yelled a familiar voice.

The man Dean had met in the woods ran up to him.

“Can you please get my briefcase back from him?” asked the man.

“Sure,” answered Dean.

Dean started to run in the direction the Team Magma grunt had gone. He ran past an alley with no exit and saw the grunt standing there. He walked into the ally.

“Darn it, I can’t believe i took a wrong turn,” said the grunt.

“Give back the briefcase,” said Dean.

The grunt turned around and saw Dean.

“How about no,” said the grunt.

The grunt took a Pokéball off of his belt and threw it into the air.

“Go Cyndaquil!” said the grunt.

A Cyndaquil materialized from the Pokéball. Dean took a Pokéball off of his belt and threw it into the air.

“Go Taillow!” said Dean.

Taillow materialized from the Pokéball.

“Taillow, use quick attack!” said Dean.

Taillow dived at Cyndaquil.

“Cyndaquil, use flamethrower!” said the grunt.

Cyndaquil opened his mouth and sent out a stream of searing hot flames.

“Taillow, dodge it!” said Dean.

Taillow flew around the flames and rammed into Cyndaquil. He went flying into the grunt, he fell over and dropped the briefcase.

“Taillow, grab the briefcase!” said Dean.

Taillow flew over to the briefcase and grabbed the handle in her talons. She flew into the air and took the briefcase to Dean. He took the briefcase out of her talons and walked away. She flew onto his shoulder.

“Good job Taillow,” said Dean.

Taillow rubbed her head against Dean’s and smiled. He walked back to where the man was.

“Oh thank you,” said the man.

The man ran over to Dean.

“Can I get you to do me one more favour?” asked the man.

“What is it?” asked Dean.

“Could you take that briefcase over to Slateport’s shipyard for me and could you also take this letter and give it to a man called Steven stone who is currently at Dewford town?” asked the man.
The man took a white envelope out of his pocket and handed it to Dean. He sighed.

“Fine but you owe me,” said dean.

Dean put the letter into his pocket. The man took a grey coloured disc and a blue and white coloured disc out of his pocket. He handed the two discs to Dean.

“Those are TM’s, the grey one has the move iron tail and the blue and white one has the move aerial ace,” said the man.

Dean put the two TMs into his pocket and walked back to the Pokémon centre. When he walked in he saw Sakura sitting in a bench holding Whismur in her arms. She saw him walk in, got up and walked over to him.

“How did your gym battle go?” asked Sakura.

“I won,” said Dean.

Sakura smiled.

“That’s wonderful,” said Sakura.

Sakura noticed the briefcase and looked at it with a curios look on her face.

“What is that?” asked Sakura.

“I have to do an errand for that man we met in the woods,” said dean.

Sakura pouted.
“Oh,” said Sakura.

Dean looked at Whismur and she smiled at him.

“Whismurs going to travel with us,” said Sakura.

“The more company the better,” said Dean.

Dean and Sakura walked out of the Pokémon centre.

“Where are we going?” asked Sakura.

“To Dewford town,” answered Dean.

Sakura walked in front of Dean.

“Dean before we go can you show me where the gym is?” asked Sakura.

Dean got a confused look on his face.

“Why?” asked Dean.

Sakura grinned.

“I want to win a badge,” answered Sakura.

“Fine,” said Dean.

Dean led Sakura to the gym and they walked inside.
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  #24    
Old October 16th, 2008, 04:34 PM
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PurpleStealth
Poison Trainer
 
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: Where the wind blows
Age: 22
Gender:
Here is chapter thirteen. Hope you all enjoy it.


Chapter thirteen


“I want to challenge the gym,” said Sakura.

Roxanne walked out of a nearby room and looked at Sakura and Dean.

“Hi Dean,” said Roxanne.

“Hi Roxanne,” said Dean.

Sakura walked up to Roxanne.

“My name is Sakura Dart and I challenge you to a battle Roxanne,” said Sakura.

Roxanne looked at Sakura and smiled.

“I accept,” said Roxanne.

Roxanne walked to the far end of the battle field. The referee stood at the edge of the field.

“Each trainer may use only two Pokémon each and only the challenger can make substitutions!” said the referee.

The referee raised both of the flags he was carrying into the air.

“Let the match begin!” said the referee.

The referee swung down both flags. Roxanne took a Pokéball off of her belt and threw it into the air.

“Go Geodude!” said Roxanne.

Geodude materialized from the Pokéball. Sakura took a Pokéball off of her belt and threw it into the air.

“Go Shroomish!” said Sakura.

Shroomish materialized from the Pokéball.

“Shroomish, use leech seed!” said Sakura.

A seed came out of the top of Shroomish’s head and landed on Geodude. Vines came out of the seed, wrapped around him and he started to glow red. He cried in pain. Shroomish started to glow, a green kangaroo with a tan coloured head that had a large green mushroom on it and a long tan coloured tail with 4 round green balls at the end of it was standing where he had been. Sakura took out her Pokédex and pointed it at the Kangaroo.

“Breloom the mushroom Pokémon and the evolved form of Shroomish, Its short arms stretch when it throws punches. Its technique is equal to that of pro boxers,” said the Pokédex.

Sakura put away her Pokédex.

“Breloom, use mach punch!” said Sakura.

Breloom jumped into the air and lunged at Geodude.

“Geodude, use mega punch!” said Roxanne.

Geodude raised his fist into the air, it started to glow, he swung it at Breloom at the same time as him and both of their fists collided. There was a large explosion and dust rose up. When the dust cleared Breloom was standing over the fainted body of Geodude. The referee raised the red flag into the air.

“Geodude is unable to battle, Breloom is the winner!” said the referee.

Roxanne pointed a Pokéball at Geodude.

“Geodude, return!” said Roxanne.

A red light came out of the Pokéball, covered Geodude and sucked him inside. Roxanne put the Pokéball back onto her belt and took off another one.

“That was most impressive!” said Roxanne.

Sakura grinned.

“Thank you!” said Sakura.

Roxanne threw the Pokéball she was holding into the air.

“Go Nosepass!” said Roxanne.

Nosepass materialized from the Pokéball.

“Nosepass, use thunderbolt!” said Roxanne.

Electricity crackled around Nosepass, lightning burst out of his body and went towards Breloom.

“Breloom, dodge then use headbutt!” said Sakura.

Breloom jumped out of the way of the lightning, He lunged at Nosepass and smashed his head into him. He flinched.

“Breloom, finish with mach punch!” said Sakura.

Breloom swung his fist at Nosepass, it hit and he went flying into the air. He hit the ground and fainted. Dean’s mouth, the referee’s mouth and Roxanne’s mouth dropped open.
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  #25    
Old October 18th, 2008, 06:26 AM
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Giratina ♀
what's your sign?
 
Join Date: Apr 2008
Gender: Female
Nature: Quirky
Ah, you're getting better. First off, An Awesome Adventure should all be capitalized, since it's the name of the fic. Second, this is a huge clichefest with some redeeming points. Maybe a rewrite of that "Darkrai's quest" concept would be better? Some missing commas, a few punctuation errors, and the constantly-looming cliche, but otherwise this is a good steppingstone.

Perhaps you could add more description to battles and things of that nature? A reader is drawn in a lot more when the battle goes more like a battle and less like a card game. I notice you're still having a bit of trouble with substituting 'said'. It's fine when that's not the only word you use for someone speaking, but you have a tendency to use 'said' a lot more than is possible. All you're having trouble with seems to be description.

And maybe go through your chapters a bit more. Read them like a reader, not a writer. It will speak volumes.
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