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  #1    
Old Posted August 30th, 2008 (09:15 AM). Edited August 30th, 2008 by Kishijoten.
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Kishijoten
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Sky Blue Plain Sea

From the bottom of the sea
chanted a soothing leaf.

Depths of the legend was
in hidden tears through the
aurora beams that was seen.

Some happened to be born as watervapor enter in their hearts, Deep or shallow
was very pleased as you can see.


Little was known from many more. Soon
legendarys were ment to be born as the shallow
sea turned into a beatiful gorgous red sea.

From the beginning of the tale was yet still hidden through the
eerie sea.


By~ NinetalesSakura

please comment on it.
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  #2    
Old Posted August 30th, 2008 (09:37 AM).
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I don't think you want to have my comment my dear...

Aside the Rhyming, the main problem was ... you sort of broke some sentences just to make them shorter, for instance...

Spoiler:
Some happened to be born as water
vapor enter in their hearts, Deep or shallow

was very pleased as you can see.

You cut water vapour, and 'Shallow was' should be on the same line...along with the remaining sentence

Little was known from many more. Soon
legendarys were ment to be born as the shallow
sea turned into a beatiful gorgous red sea.



Could be changed to;

Some happened to be born as water vapour entered in their hearts, deep or shallow ws very pleased as you can see,

Little was knonw from many more, soon, legendaries were meant to be born as the shallow sea turned into a beautiful gorgeous red sea.
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  #3    
Old Posted September 1st, 2008 (05:47 AM).
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Nintales...not just that portion needed correction, mostly all of it.
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