Okay, so...no rhymes, I like the concept, but putting the words together seemed to be your problem...anyways it's a good song...but; think deeper if you must...Is it a poem; what makes a poem a poem and what makes a rap a rap.
Now that I think about it, the words weren't supposed to fit together. They are thoughts that poured out of my mind at the time...a little abstractly put together I suppose, but I understant what you're trying to say.
A poem doesn't necessarily have to have rhymes and it's these sorts of poems that prove it. Everything about this poem was great because it was exactly what you were thinking. You didn't go back and edit some of the lines (at least I hope you didn't) and sometimes that's good. Sometimes the original product is the best.
I want you to attain happiness,
Even if it means it lies in someone else's heart
I guess this is the equivalent of what you feel for me:
A little green monster
A little green monsters? I know this wasn't meant to be the most perfect poem of all time but still. Surely you could have done better than that. XD
Well...obviously; you didn't understand fully what I said about the characterisitcs...
I know fully well that the poem is great; and I am fully positive that I never said that a poem must have rhyme...I only complained mildly; that's just because I love rhymes...and then,
A poem should have rhytm, and that's why rhymes are often prerequisite. A poem is not one because of it's meaning but because of the combination of rhytm...and soul...soul being what the writer is expressing.
I think I'm clear now...so; until I'm sure Silver' has read this comment I'll post my rating; even though it's not important.