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  #1    
Old September 3rd, 2008, 08:33 AM
bobby681
Beginning Trainer
 
Join Date: Jul 2007
Nature: Adamant
The flip of a coin, a roll of a dice
Boiling water, or freezing ice

Should I remember or should I forget
About that girl on the train I once met
There you were and I was scared
Now I know, I should have dared
To speak, to chat, to find out your name
Never said a word, smiled all the same
When you got off, you waved me goodbye
I was so happy, I didn't know why

Two years on and I still haven't changed
Went to the cinema, talked while it rained
I went away, it all went to pot
I thought I did, I guess I did not
I said I was sorry, that I was a ****
That you must have been blind as a bat
To make the mistake twice, you hadn't learned
That I'd mess up and leave you burned

I told her about it, she took it all in
I was quite sad, she made me grin
Couple of weeks on, I no longer cared
Something happened, I did it, I dared
To hold you in my arms, to never let go
Nothing could stop me, rain hail or snow
Then it was over, it happened so fast
From then on out, it was the past

That brings me to now, the final chapter
The burning question, the deciding factor
Where can I run to, where should I hide?
Should I rush on or should I bide
My time, untill I know
Wether it's high, or if it's low

The flip of a coin, the throw of a dice
Boiling water, or freezing ice...

Last edited by bobby681; September 3rd, 2008 at 01:34 PM.
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  #2    
Old September 3rd, 2008, 11:40 AM
Avey's Avatar
Avey
Enter The Slasher House
 
Join Date: Dec 2007
I like this quite a lot, bobby. Chance has always been something to marvel at, seeing as you never know what's going to happen and for me, that is exactly what this poem has demonstrated. Every lyric sailed clearly in my sea of thought; your skills at keeping the tempo are very good.

I did find a few things that you might want to consider changing:

Quote:
Originally Posted by bobby681 View Post
Should I remember or should I forget
About that girl on the train that I once met
The word in bold sort of crushes the tempo; I suggest taking it out.

Quote:
Two years on and I still havn't changed
Went to the cinema, talked while it rained
Here, you spelled haven't wrong.

Quote:
Couple of weeks on, I no longer cared
Something happend, I did it, I dared
And here, you spelled happened wrong.

Other than those mistakes, I thoroughly enjoyed the poem and I'm hoping to see more from you in the future.
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  #3    
Old September 3rd, 2008, 12:33 PM
N-XIGE's Avatar
N-XIGE
Ascension: Success Story
 
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Digital Nexus
Age: 21
Nature: Docile
Send a message via Windows Live Messenger to N-XIGE
Spoiler:
Quote:
That brings me to now, the final chapter
The burning question, the deciding factor

You were trying to rhyme through out...guess this one was your flaw.

The flip of a coin, the throw of a dice
Boiling hot, or freezing ice...

Boiling hot and Freezing Ice...hot and Ice are not really Opposites...

(Could replace the Hot with water)


Hope you aren't angry...but I'll rate this...9/10
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  #4    
Old September 3rd, 2008, 01:36 PM
bobby681
Beginning Trainer
 
Join Date: Jul 2007
Nature: Adamant
Thank's for your comments, I made some adjustments. Except for the rhyme thing, I suppise its where I live but I say chapter and factor pretty much the same.
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  #5    
Old September 3rd, 2008, 02:07 PM
N-XIGE's Avatar
N-XIGE
Ascension: Success Story
 
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Digital Nexus
Age: 21
Nature: Docile
Send a message via Windows Live Messenger to N-XIGE
I'm not saying that you have to change it...I'm just saying that that was where your rhyming had a cut...it's not improtant; but it comes as a break in the rhyming. That's all...good luck.
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