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Old September 3rd, 2008 (02:29 PM). Edited September 3rd, 2008 by Saltare..
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You might notice the title is the same as the title of one of Nick Jonas' songs "Little Bit Longer." Im not plagerizing(srry if i misspelled) I just like the title. At home in my note book, I made a diagram, storyboard, and I drew out the characters. And I think I did fairly well. If I can, I will post the drawings in my album Um one more thing....forgot what it was.......oh yeah! I am willing to take character requests Based on a real life story, except pokemon form


~Little Bit Longer~


Chapter 1

Devin sat in front of the living room window watching the snow cover Snowpoint City. The freshly fallen blanket was untouched. Christmas was right around the corner and Devin couldn't wait.


The snow sparkled like tiny, white stars. The lights in the Pokemon Center and other buildings turned on. Devin ran down the hall into his room. He threw on a pair of dark blue jeans, a black long sleve shirt, a red T-shirt with a black pokeball on it, black fingerless gloves, red and black trainers, and a black and red fleece zipper jacket.


Devin zipped up his jacket and darted down the hall and out the door. The sparkling white snow crunched under his feet. Devin ran up to his friend's house. He banged on the door. Shayne opened the door. Shayne rubbed his eyes.

"What Devin?" He asked.


"Go get dressed! We're gonna go explore! C'mon!" Devin exclaimed.


Shayne sighed. He put on his blue coat. "You're too energetic, Devin."


Devin smiled. "Not the first time I've heard it."


The two boys walked through the woods behind Snowpoint Temple. Two girls were walking the other way. They all stopped in their tracks.


Devin looked at one of the girls. She had light brown hair, she wore a black dress with blue zigzag on the rim that ended about three inches above her knees, blue boots, a blue scarf, a black togue with a blue pokeball on it, and a blue fleece zipper jacket with thin white stripes running down the arms.


Shayne elbowed Devin.


Devin shook his head, making his bed head seem more of a mess than before.


"What are you waiting for!? We gonna battle or not!" One of the girls shouted.


Devin clenched his fist and smirked. "Bring it on Princess."


The girls threw out Lopunny and Weavile. Shayne threw out Torterra and Devin threw out Lucario.


"By the way, I'm Ashley and that's Emily!" She shouted pointing to the girl in the blue fleece with the Weavile.


"Guess I'll start things off. Weavile! Shadow Claw on Lucario!" Emily shouted pointing to Devin and Lucario. Weavile's claw began glowing with dark power. It dashed twoards Lucario and began slashing at it with its claw.


Devin gritted his teeth. "Lucario! Reversal! Now!" Lucario had its back to Weavile trying to block it. Blue spheres spun around Lucario's body, the spheres shot out and hit Weavile. Devin threw his arm out. "Finish it off with Bone Rush!"


A long bone staff appeared in Lucario's hands. It wacked Weavile to the ground.


"Ah! What?! I didn't know Lucario could know Bone Rush!" Emily cried.


"Hmph. Our turn now! Torterra! Leaf Storm!" Shayne shouted. The trees on Torterra's back began to shake. Razor sharp leaves shot at Lopunny. They spun around Lopunny's body like a twister.


"Alright Lopunny, Ice Beam!" Ashley ordered. Lopunny opened its mouth and shot ice at Torterra. It took the hit.


Shayne raised his eyebrow. "That's how you play? End this with Earthquake!" Torterra smacked its front legs on the ground shaking it and making a crack that threw Lopunny into a tree.


Ashley's jaw dropped. She crossed her arms and turned away.


Emily walked up to Devin and Shayne. "Great battle you two."


Devin and Shayne nodded.


"You guys wanna get some hot chocolate?" Emily asked.


"Sure." Devin answered.


They walked out of the forest with their pokemon following them.


"So, I'm Shayne and that's Devin." Shayne said pointing to Devin.


Emily looked at Devin. "Your Lucario's Bone Rush is really powerful."


Devin put his hands in his coat pocket. "Thanks. We've been working at it for a while, aint' that right Lucario?" Devin looked over his shoulder at the pokemon. Lucario nodded.


Emily smiled.


They walked into a small house that was done up like a cafe'. A broad man stood at the counter. They took off their coats and hung them up. They sat at the counter.


"Three hot chocolates please." Emily said.


The man nodded.


"So how do you guys like my family's cafe'?" Emily asked.


"Pretty cool." Devin said.


A little boy came running in with a Bidoof. "Emily, Mom is looking for you!"


Emily jumped off the stool. "I'll be back." She left the room.



Shayne stuck his finger out at Devin. "Face it dude! You like her!"


Devin pushed his hand out of his face. "Okay, maybe I kinda do, but you you don't say s***!"


Shayne nodded. "Got it."


Devin turned and faced the frost covered window. Now I know what I want for Christmas... A smile grew on Devin's face.




I hope you all enjoyed the first chapter! Please, if anything is an issue, please tell me!
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Old September 3rd, 2008 (02:37 PM).
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I didn't see too many errors, besides that you put too many spaces in between your sentences, you forgot a comma or two, and misspelled "family" in "my family's cafe"

(Comma between, "Emily, Mom" which is almost right after the family misspelling)

I found it kind of cute. I can't say much. My dad is gonna cut my hair soon
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  #3    
Old September 3rd, 2008 (02:43 PM). Edited September 3rd, 2008 by Saltare..
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Thanks. I'll try and fix the errors after I eat dinner I feel sorry for you. I know a lot of boys that don't like hair cuts and their hair is longer than mine 0.o


EDIT: All errors are fixed! Well, at least I think....either way they are done!
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Old September 3rd, 2008 (03:00 PM). Edited September 3rd, 2008 by Blue Screen of Death.
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Quote originally posted by pokefan32:
Chapter 1

Devin sat in front of the living room window watching the snow cover Snowpoint City. The freshly fallen blanket was untouched. Christmas was right around the corner and Devin couldn't wait.
So far so good.

Quote originally posted by pokefan32:
The snow sparkled like tiny, white stars. The lights in the Pokemon Center and other buildings turned on. Devin ran down the hall into his room. He threw on a pair of dark blue jeans, a black long sleve shirt, a red T-shirt with a black pokeball on it, black fingerless gloves, red and black trainers, and a black and red fleece zipper jacket.
One spelling mistake, sleve should be sleeve.

Quote originally posted by pokefan32:
Devin zipped up his jacket and darted down the hall and out the door. The sparkling white snow crunched under his feet. Devin ran up to his friend's house. He banged on the door. Shayne opened the door. Shayne rubbed his eyes.
Choppy sentences here, not good. You need to learn to fuse a few sentences by using conjunctions.

Quote originally posted by pokefan32:
"What Devin?" He asked.


"Go get dressed! We're gonna go explore! C'mon!" Devin exclaimed.
C'mon isn't even a word, so please don't use it. It should be "Come on!"

Quote originally posted by pokefan32:
Shayne sighed. He put on his blue coat. "You're too energetic, Devin."


Devin smiled. "Not the first time I've heard it."


The two boys walked through the woods behind Snowpoint Temple. Two girls were walking the other way. They all stopped in their tracks.
One good chunk. (Technically two, but I'm seeing if you can get three in a row.)

Quote originally posted by pokefan32:
Devin looked at one of the girls. She had light brown hair, she wore a black dress with blue zigzag on the rim that ended about three inches above her knees, blue boots, a blue scarf, a black togue with a blue pokeball on it, and a blue fleece zipper jacket with thin white stripes running down the arms.
Okay, you spelled toge wrong.

Quote originally posted by pokefan32:
Shayne elbowed Devin.


Devin shook his head, making his bed head seem more of a mess than before.


"What are you waiting for!? We gonna battle or not!" One of the girls shouted.


Devin clenched his fist and smirked. "Bring it on Princess."
I'll count this as one chunk.
Quote originally posted by pokefan32:
The girls threw out Lopunny and Weavile. Shayne threw out Torterra and Devin threw out Lucario.


"By the way, I'm Ashley and that's Emily!" She shouted pointing to the girl in the blue fleece with the Weavile.


"Guess I'll start things off. Weavile! Shadow Claw on Lucario!" Emily shouted pointing to Devin and Lucario. Weavile's claw began glowing with dark power. It dashed twoards Lucario and began slashing at it with its claw.
What the heck? Why would they battle for no apparent reason? Yes, it works that way in the game, but the game does have to yield to logic sometimes when writing fan fiction.
Still, you record is one paragraph streak, due to your misspelling of towards.

Quote originally posted by pokefan32:
Devin gritted his teeth. "Lucario! Reversal! Now!" Lucario had its back to Weavile trying to block it. Blue spheres spun around Lucario's body, the spheres shot out and hit Weavile. Devin threw his arm out. "Finish it off with Bone Rush!"
Still choppy sentences, but one paragraph none the less.

Quote originally posted by pokefan32:
A long bone staff appeared in Lucario's hands. It wacked Weavile to the ground.
The bone wacked the Weavile, not the Lucario holding the bone? That is one tricky bone.

Quote originally posted by pokefan32:
"Ah! What?! I didn't know Lucario could know Bone Rush!" Emily cried.


"Hmph. Our turn now! Torterra! Leaf Storm!" Shayne shouted. The trees on Torterra's back began to shake. Razor sharp leaves shot at Lopunny. They spun around Lopunny's body like a twister.
Hmph is not a word, you could just put something along the lines of 'Shayne grumbled.', you know?

Quote originally posted by pokefan32:
"Alright Lopunny, Ice Beam!" Ashley ordered. Lopunny opened its mouth and shot ice at Torterra. It took the hit.
one.

Quote originally posted by pokefan32:
Shayne raised his eyebrow. "That's how you play? End this with Earthquake!" Torterra smacked its front legs on the ground shaking it and making a crack that threw Lopunny into a tree.
Two!

Quote originally posted by pokefan32:
Ashley's jaw dropped. She crossed her arms and turned away.


Emily walked up to Devin and Shayne. "Great battle you two."


Devin and Shayne nodded.


"You guys wanna get some hot chocolate?" Emily asked.
THREE! YAY!

Quote originally posted by pokefan32:
"Sure." Devin answered.


They walked out of the forest with their pokemon following them.


"So, I'm Shayne and that's Devin." Shayne said pointing to Devin.


Emily looked at Devin. "Your Lucario's Bone Rush is really powerful."
Four...

Quote originally posted by pokefan32:
Devin put his hands in his coat pocket. "Thanks. We've been working at it for a while, aint' that right Lucario?" Devin looked over his shoulder at the pokemon. Lucario nodded.
Come on, you had four chunks/paragraphs without mistakes, how could something as elementary as ain't stop that? Ain't is not a word, it should be isn't.

Quote originally posted by pokefan32:
Emily smiled.


They walked into a small house that was done up like a cafe'. A broad man stood at the counter. They took off their coats and hing them up. They sat at the counter.


"Three hot chocolates please." Emily said.


The man nodded.


"So how do you guys like my fmaily's cafe'?" Emily asked.
Check your work. This should be Family.

Quote originally posted by pokefan32:
"Pretty cool." Devin said.


A little boy came running in with a Bidoof. "Emily mom is looking for you!"


Emily jumped off the stool. "I'll be back." She left the room.



Shayne stuck his finger out at Devin. "Face it dude! You like her!"


Devin pushed his hand out of his face. "Okay, maybe I kinda do, but you you don't say s***!"
Hey, why would he swear, if he is going to swear, I think you should just come out and say it, not censor it. I fairly certain worse stuff has gotten through, but I'll check. *Checks* Yes, swearing is allowed, just make sure you rate the story properly.

Quote originally posted by pokefan32:
Shayne nodded. "Got it."


Devin turned and faced the frost covered window. Now I know what I want for Christmas... A smile grew on Devin's face.
Well, your story reaks of choppy sentences, and sue/stu like characters. And what is this, intro ducing a bit of romance on the first chapter, between two complete strangers? For shame! Personally, I like the idea, but the events just don't make sense the way they happen. Also, leave the font at the forum default please. So, you should continue it, using my advice to help you along.
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Old September 3rd, 2008 (03:25 PM).
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*blinks* wow....okay thanks Supah Funk. This will tell me to read over more clearly before posting I will try to fix the mistakes in this chapter, if I can't, I will be sure to make sure I don't make the same mistakes in Chapter 2
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Old September 14th, 2008 (06:35 PM).
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I like it. I'm not one to point out many mistakes, that's my bad point. But I can say, this sounds really interesting. I would really like to read more chapter, so i'll be checking in every now and then. Please put in another chapter!!!
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Old September 14th, 2008 (07:38 PM).
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Just interjecting for a minute here to point something out:

Quote:
C'mon isn't even a word, so please don't use it. It should be "Come on!"
It's the character's speech. I'm sure that everyone has said some sort of slang word at one point in their life. Since Dark_Aero didn't use "C'mon" in the actual narration, you can't say that it's wrong since it's probably how the character speaks.

Just something to mention.
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Old September 15th, 2008 (10:55 AM).
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I agree with Astinus. It's the same thing for "ain't". It's just part of Devin's dialect.
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Old September 15th, 2008 (12:42 PM). Edited September 16th, 2008 by Saltare..
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Quote originally posted by TheParkourPunk:
I agree with Astinus. It's the same thing for "ain't". It's just part of Devin's dialect.

Thanks for backing me up on that


EDIT: I am sooooo sorry I haven't gotten the next chapter in! I have too much homework and too many tests! When i get some free time this weekend, ill try and load the next chapter, promise
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Old September 17th, 2008 (01:12 AM).
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Same thing here people. Dark_Aero won't be posting, and it's rather odd to review a story that the author can't look at and respond to reviews for. So once she's back, both stories will be open again, and everything will be happy.
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Old October 5th, 2008 (04:24 PM). Edited October 5th, 2008 by Fearless Love.
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awesome, they reopened this one too (states the obvious) I'd really like to read a second chapter, but I'm starting to thank there isn't gonna be one. Just a note, why am I the first one to coment on all these once they've reopened, Okay you can ignore me now. Seriously though, I want to read another chapter, I really LOVE this story.......
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Old October 6th, 2008 (03:31 PM).
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I'll try. I've been really caught up with school lately and the boys and dances and it's all too much. I will try as hard as possible to get chap. 2 up
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