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  #1    
Old September 14th, 2008, 06:21 AM
N-XIGE's Avatar
N-XIGE
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Age: 21
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Ogama

This is one of the stories I love to tell,
One that has morals on the consequence of foolishness,
A story from my home; the very place that I dwell,
I must warn you still; this poem does not follow sequence.

This story as written for the ‘deep’,
Even though its moral is merely hidden.
It is one that your heart should keep,
I know you will find it…at least, if you really do some thinking.

This is about a man, whose rudder was not right,
If you knew him, you’d be sure he had lost a few paddles,
His life was the same everyday, yet he thought it was right,
I’m quite sure the kids of our time would say he was doodles.

The story is just starting, or so, you may believe,
But I’ll tell you; stanza one may have been the end, or 2, but who knows,
I’m the poet, and whatever I right, and however, you have to believe,
I don’t lie, maybe I do…but it’s the truth I’m telling…nobody knows.
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Old September 15th, 2008, 01:23 PM
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Gymnotide
8377 | Scorpaeniform
 
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: New York City
Age: 22
Gender: Female
Nature: Naughty
Amane wanted me to do this poem too.
Critique ensues.

Quote:
This is one of the stories I love to tell,
One that has morals on the consequence of foolishness,
A story from my home; the very place that I dwell,
I must warn you still; this poem does not follow sequence.
This is a great postmodern type of introduction.
It makes the reader want to hear what you have to tell.

The last line is a bit too postmodern, however.

I think it is truly unnecessary to say such a thing in a poem, where most rules don't apply. The second clause is a bit too long and makes the slant-rhyme (that is a slant-rhyme, right?) ineffective.

The consonance of "dwell" and "still" catches my eye.
Had to point it out. It's nice.

Quote:
This story as written for the ‘deep’,
Even though its moral is merely hidden.
It is one that your heart should keep,
I know you will find it…at least, if you really do some thinking.
"Merely" = "barely"?

Once again, the last line is a bit overdrawn.
The caesura at "it" and "at" is too strong and the second clause is unnecessarily long.

Quote:
This is about a man, whose rudder was not right,
If you knew him, you’d be sure he had lost a few paddles,
His life was the same everyday, yet he thought it was right,
I’m quite sure the kids of our time would say he was doodles.
Second line: "He had" should be "He'd," to go along with "You'd," to shorten the line and skip a beat so this line becomes more or less fully anapestic (short-short-stress-short-short-stress, etc.). It would sound better.

"Doodles" is a preposterous word. You know full well that was forced -___-

Quote:
The story is just starting, or so, you may believe,
But I’ll tell you; stanza one may have been the end, or 2, but who knows,
I’m the poet, and whatever I right, and however, you have to believe,
I don’t lie, maybe I do…but it’s the truth I’m telling…nobody knows.
First line: "or so, you may believe" implies the story is ending? I'm not sure if you intended this. Delete the comma after "or so."

Third line: "Right" = "write." "However" = "how ever."
I am wondering whether the stress lies on "have" or "believe" at the end of the line. I think the line is more effective with the former, but you'll need italics or boldface to signify the stress in that case.

Last line is a bit... Meh. It says that maybe the narrator lies, but they are telling the truth. It's supposed to be contradictory, I'll assume, but it just doesn't get that effect. The last two words need more impact since they close the poem.

- - - - -

It's a stew of postmodernism! I like this kind of stuff, but if you use it the wrong way, it gets a bit overdrawn and boring.

You need another catch other than confusing the reader profusely. If they spend all their time trying to analyze your motives and every line in the poem, reading becomes a bit disjuncted.

My favorite stanza is number 3 because it is colorful and makes me bawlolol to think of an old man as a boat.

My favorite mechanic that worked well in your poem was the casual story-telling tone.
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  #3    
Old September 15th, 2008, 06:26 PM
N-XIGE's Avatar
N-XIGE
Ascension: Success Story
 
Join Date: Dec 2007
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Well...I actually wrote that poem while coming out of the bathroom; luckily I had my hard cover book in my hands and a pen...and well, the doodles replaced the actual noodles which was like you said, a forced rhyme. So, there were some grammatic errors alright, but I'm impressed by my poem, and so as to make it perfect; I'll edit it.

And yes, thank you for taking time to go through this...I'm sorry I haven't been able to look at the other poems on the forum...it's because of my inactivity.

Well, you haven't found the fish yet have you? The lesson of the poem? Have you sought it out?
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