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Old September 15th, 2008, 06:58 AM
.emerald
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Well, this is my complement to the current fic that I'm working on. To me, its pretty good overall. But please don't hold back on the criticism! Enjoy!


An Everlasting Love(One-Shot)


By:Emy


Love is a powerful thing. It never gets broken, death can't even annihilate the bonds between two faithful lovers.




A calm summer night. The sky was starlit & the insipid moon gave of a light shining on the Hearthome City mansion above the peacefully silent hills.

The mansion was surprisingly active tonight. Lights & sounds bustling about. It sounds like a party was taking place- it is, it was the annual Pokemon high school Alumni homecoming.

Every year it takes place on different locations. This particular year it was decided that the event should be held at Eve’s mansion. Eve had already passed an important exam when her mother died. Her mother's inheritance including the mansion would fall into her hands. She tried her best to keep the mansion in tip-tip condition. And with her hard work, it was a success. It was really ready for the alumni homecoming. The mansion was very ornate. Effervescent flowers blooming about, large & carefully grown Oak trees surrounded the compound, evergreen bushes & shrubs decorated the pavement leading to the large, carved doorway, huge Corinthian pillars surrounded the mansion all throughout, the garden terrace hung in between the large Oak tree on the second floor, & the most attractive embellishment of all, the statue situated at the front of the mansion depicting Eve's mother, a Gardevoir & Eve, a Ralts, brilliantly & skillfully carved with the most minute of details.

The inside of the mansion was as attractive as the outside. Above the ceiling was highlighted with the most colorful, stunning murals depicting the Sinnoh legacy, a chandelier was dangling from the ceiling above, it had a bright, diamond like shine giving the room a tranquil, pale ambiance. The second floor was connected to the first by a winding, spiral woodenly carved flight of stairs. Below, the flooring was blanketed with a velvet carpet that reached throughout the mansion. Deeper into the mansion, the hallways in the second floor had dozens of rooms; the walls had a yellowish-white color all throughout, on them were picture frames showing the most precious memories from long ago captured into the finest piece. In the dinning room, there was an elongated table with candles & plates adjacent each side. Competently carved wooden chairs surrounded the table, their were enough to support dozens of guest-particularly the guests of the alumni homecoming. Flora were purposely placed so that it would give the room a soothing fragrance. It was a party, so, there were victuals. A huge glass bowl filled with Wiki berry juice was positioned on the center of the table, on it was an ice figurine placed for decorative reasons. There were a lot of appetizers on silver plates surrounding the serving table, opposite of the dinning table. The living room was particularly a favorite for the guest to mingle in. Red-violet couches were supple & comfortable enough for the guest to enjoy & relax in, the scarlet, silk curtains neighboring the large, glass windows gave the room a particular theme. And the most eye-catching of all ornaments inside the house, a large picture framed with Sequoia wood was placed above the fire place. It shows a detailed family picture of Eve’s mother, & Eve as young Ralts.

It was truly a welcoming sight for the guests as they entered the massive mansion.

“Welcome! Please, make yourselves comfortable,” Eve said in her elegant gown bowing her head to the guests.


Most of them were foreign faces to her because they were of different classes & levels. But when she saw the familiar faces that she knew, she showed a wide, welcoming smile on her ashen face.


“Nice to see you all again, Doni, Blossom, Kizzy & Evanesce! How have you been doing?” she asked with a smile.


“Oh Eve, we’ve missed you so much!” exclaimed Blossom, a fox-like Pokemon covered with a thick, luxurious white fur- a Ninetales.


“Yeah, Eve. We haven’t heard from you for a long time. You made me worry about you. That is so not like you,” stated harshly by a humanoid Pokémon-
Kizzy, a Jynx- that resembles a bulky woman, wearing a red gown, has white arms and purple hands & has a purple face, pink lips, saucer-like eyes and long blond hair.

“Kizzy is right Eve, what have you been doing with yourself?” asked concernedly by a large, blue, mammal-like reptile Pokémon, has thick tail and mouse-like ears. A horn on the forehead & has spikes running down the length of her back. Her lower-jaw, chest-plates and torso are cream-colored.
Doni, a Nidoqueen.

“You have changed so much Eve, back in high school, you were just a Kirlia,” noticed Evanesce, similar to that of a sea serpent. The top of her head is long, with a point at the end, and long hair-like fins drape from the sides of her head. Her lower tail is covered with blue and pink scales, and four large scales overlap at the tip of the tail to look like a fan- a Milotic.


“Oh, I apologize for worrying all of you like that, anyhow, please enter & enjoy yourselves,” endeavored Eve as she welcomed her high school friends.


The mansion became lively & energetic as the other guests arrived. The sound of chattering drowned out the background music.


Most of the guests stayed in the lounge because of its attractive mood. They were all drawn by this meticulous characteristic.


The others enjoyed the appetizers in the dinning room; the scent of the delectable provisions drew other guests around.

The night silence was broken by the active event inside the mansion. A few of the guests danced with the music-especially Ludicolo from a different class.

The Kricketot followed the background music, making it more lively & classy. Some of the guest just reminisced about their high-school days.


“Do you remember the time Kizzy confessed to Corpion? It was hilarious!” snickered Doni.


“Yes, I remember that. Kizzy was ignored of her statement!” laughed Blossom.


“Hey, I wasn’t ready. Besides, He was getting lame anyway….” Kizzy stated with her face all red in anger.


“Speaking about love, do you have someone to spend your whole life with Eve?” asked Evanesce with curiosity. Then Doni, Blossom & Kizzy surrounded her.


“Yeah do you? Ever since Blazer left you?” continued Kizzy.


“Kizzy!” Blossom & Evanesce shouted.


“What?” asked Kizzy.


“Don’t mention Blazer to Eve. She might cry again,” whispered Blossom.


“It’s alright Blossom. I can hear you & I already got over it. Actually, no. Not a single one,” replied Eve confidently but with little traces of self-doubt in her tone.


Unknown to them, Blazer was in the further side of the living room chatting with his own high school friends. Blazer, a Blaziken was head-over-heels with Eve when they were in high school. Eve noticed this & had the same feelings for Blazer. They were regarded by everyone in the school as a “perfect couple.” Unfortunately, Blazer left Eve in the last date that they would have together, & it was Eve’s birthday. What’s worse is that Blazer never replied to Eve after that night. Eve was so hurt by this that she decided to continue with her life without Blazer tugging her heart.


“Dude, their they are,” pointed Shadow, a dark-purple Pokémon with a roundish body, has a spike-covered back & he’s eyes are red and he’s mouth is usually curled into a sinister grin-a Gengar.


“Shadow is right, look!” convinced a bipedal, jackal-like Pokémon that's around four feet in height-
Luca, a Lucario-, he’s forepaws black and the rounded bumps on the back are pointed spikes. In addition, there's a third spike on he’s chest.

“There's Eve Blazer, come on here’s your chance!” encouraged a scorpion like-Pokemon, he has a claw on the end of its tail, he’s body is purple, with alternating shades of lavender and violet.
Corpion, a Drapion.

“I can’t,” replied Blazer with his head down, coughing hardly. “I still can’t muster up enough courage to do so.”


“Oh come on Blazer, don’t be a wuss, go explain to her,” Corpion endeavored.


“Yeah, if I was Eve, I would really be hurt by that & would accept your apology & explanation,” affirmed Luca.


“I will, just not now. Not in front of all these Pokemon,” Blazer pressed.


“In the meantime, let’s party!” Shadow encouraged.


“Just don’t draw so much attention to yourself,” Blazer demanded.


Shadow, Luca & Corpion rushed toward the snack trays hoping to get more than one of their just desserts. Meanwhile, Blazer was keeping a close eye on Eve, hoping for the right opportunity in the shadows of the mansion.

Midnight drew near. The party was getting pumped up. More & more of the guests danced until they couldn’t dance anymore.

The old, wooden grandfather clock beside the fire place chimed ten times, signaling Ten-o'clock as the party went on
.

Most of the guests were exhausted but some still kept dancing. A few of them left for home.

The music still drew the others to dance. Eve, Doni, Blossom & Evanesce were still enjoying themselves, dancing, eating & playing around. The night was still young for the party to end.

Thirty minutes past, the pendulum clock warned the coming of midnight.

Half of the guests left biding goodbye to Eve for the great party.


“Thanks for the party Eve, I really enjoyed it. I hope they will choose this location for the next homecoming,” thanked a Rampardos.


“Well, I’m glad you enjoyed it,” replied Eve smiling.


Soon, one third of the guest’s were still lingering inside. The repercussion of the party was nasty. It was no longer the clean, unsoiled, fresh, & welcoming mansion that one would expect. But, despite these things, Eve was happy to host this event & gave her guest’s the time of their life.


"Ding-dong"! Eleven-o'clock. The grandfather clock struck.

All the guests departed for home, including Blazer’s friends. It was Doni, Kizzy, Blossom & Evanesce who were remaining. They helped clean up the place with Eve. They threw all the debris out, into the residual trash, swept the dirty, filthy velvet carpet, fixed up the crooked picture frames, cleaned all the trays, washed all the tableware & pretty much cleaned the whole mansion.


“Thank you so much for helping me with cleaning you guys,” thanked Eve then bowed her head.


“It’s the least we can do for giving us such a great time,” replied Doni.


“Anyway, we’ll be seeing you soon Eve,” said Kizzy.


“Take care of yourself Eve,” wept Blossom.


“Don’t cry Blossom, we’ll see her soon. Well, I think this is goodbye,” Evanesce said patting Blossom’s back with her extremity.


“Goodbye!” shouted Eve waving her olive hands to her three acquaintances as they vanished into the murky darkness.


Eve went up the spiral stairs, exhausted from cleaning. She decided to head to the garden terrace before she slept to get some fresh air. Using her psychic abilities she opened the glass doors leading into the veranda. As hours went by, the night atmosphere was different from what it was moments ago. Pale as it was, the moon had already risen into the dark sky; the stars seem to glisten in the lucid, shadowy heavens. The cold night wind blew in a ruthless way; dangling Oak branches embracing the veranda seem to follow. Eve sat on the porch & took a deep breath.


This was it. Blazer’s chance, she was right there, sitting all alone. Blazer emerged from the dark silence, looking up to the figure in front of him. His heart was beating fast, nervousness & bravery mixed up in his feelings. Butterflies in the stomach & clenched fists. He slowly walked so not to startle her. She was just sitting there, looking up to the starlit sky. He longed for this moment, the right opportunity. He wanted to feel it again, his arms wrapping her sallow, lime colored body, so close to each other, looking eye to eye with feelings of love & compassion. He really longed for these.


Only a few more feet.


Getting closer…


And Closer…


And Closer…


So close until he was a whispering distance away…


Blazer sat beside Eve on the timber bench. She didn’t seem to mind. They were only an arm’s distance away from each other. The stars lit up the terrace with sparkling effects. The perfect atmosphere for the perfect opportunity.


“So, how’s life been treating you?” Eve asked calmly.


“Well, there have been ups & downs,” replied Blazer. “I got myself a decent job at the Hoenn region abroad.”


“I’m glad to here it, the down’s?” Eve asked again, refusing to turn & look at Blazer.

Blazer could feel the resentment in her tone, then he replied: “They diagnosed me with a chronic illness. The doctor said I would die anytime this month.”

And because of this reply, Eve turned with a slight showing of concern in her eyes.


“I’m so sorry to here that, I hope you will be alright,” Eve replied, the tone in her voice noticeably changed.


A moment of silence becalmed the current scene. The harsh, cold wind blew again, the overhanging Oak branches swayed with it.


Blazer spoke, cutting the silence, “Let’s drop that matter. So, how have you been doing?”


“Well, I got in the entrance exam of one of the most exclusive healing schools here in Sinnoh, but, on the same time, mother passed away…” she said sadly.


Tears were starting to form in her white, scarlet eyes as she reminisce the dreadful misfortune her mother undertook. Blazer knew it was awkward if he said it now. But, this would be his last chance to do so. He was ready. He swallowed deep, ready to pull the move, no holding back. It was the precise opportunity, if he didn’t do it now he would regret it later- He knew his time was near.


He moved closer to Eve as she was beginning to weep.


Then, Blazer came close. Wrapping his rose-colored, feathery arms around her elegant, gown-like body, drawing her closer to his. He loved her with all the fibers of his being.


“I’m so sorry I left you Eve, because of my hindering disease, I never came to your birthday," Eve's eye's widened as these words came out of Blazer's mouth.

"I was unconscious in the sanatorium for a few days. Dad flew me to the Hoenn region because he knew some Pokemon doctors there that would administer a cure for my disease. After I awoke, I struggled to find you, I tried to call you, everything. But, to no avail. I persuaded my father to bring me back to Sinnoh but he refuted & told me to stay here in case my disease would kick in again," more tears were now starting to form in Eve's eyes.

"I missed you so much Eve. Every year, month, week, day, hour, minute & second that I’m not with you makes me detest myself for not going with you that night. But, when I heard that you would be holding the annual alumni homecoming, I grabbed this opportunity & snuck away from dad just to see you again. I missed you so much Eve, please, please Eve, accept my apology!!” Blazer sorrowfully said ready to draw out a tear.


A fire Pokemon that he was, he wanted to cry, he tried to refuse to do so. But, alas! Tears ran down his leveled cheeks.


“Oh, Blazer!” Eve said, tears of joy, relief & traces of sorrow washed down from her face.


Two separated lovers, once again rejoined at the midst of the nearing midnight. The sight of a Blaziken & Gardevoir together alone was romantic. Yet, the ardent sight of the two was amplified even more with the glistening shine of the heavenly bodies above them. It shined on the couple giving the garden balcony an ashen twilight. It seemed that Mother Nature was agreeing to the rejoining of the two.


“Do you remember the song we used to sing back in high school?” asked Eve, tucked contentedly at the chest of Blazer, with his arms wrapped around her body.


“I remember that, why?” asked Blazer, curious.


“Well, it fits the mood right now, don’t you think? Why don’t we sing it, for old time’s sake,” Eve convinced.


“Alright,” Blazer agreed. He felt the tightening of his chest. It was hard for him to inhale already. He knew at an instant that tragedy would befall him at any moment. He cannot die now, not yet. He finally rejoined the love of his life & would allow death to take him away? No, he would give her his last present, for it is Eve’s birthday at the stroke of midnight. He did not mention this to Eve once he felt it because it would worry her. Blazer mustered up he’s remaining energy just to sing the song she requested. Just for her. Just for her…


I've been here all your life
Watching your crying game
You were the heaven in my lonely world,
And he was your sun
And your rain
I was losing you before
I ever held you tight
Before you ever held me in your arms
And I won't make you blue
And maybe an everlasting love will do….”
Blazer began.


“Ah, we got an everlasting love
So tall, so wide, so high
Above the rumble of thunder down below
It's your love I need,
It's the only show
And it's you want an everlasting dream
Can take us anywhere are the tears of yesterday
We killed the pain,
We blew away the memories
Of the tears we cried
And an everlasting love will never die..”
Eve continued.

“Take me out of the cold, give me what I've hungered for
If it's the pleasure of taking
My heart that you need, then it only makes me
Love you more
I was yours before
The stars were born and you were mine
I could have saved you all the pain you knew
And I won't make you cry..”
He sustained & his breath cut short.

And maybe an everlasting love can try
Eve continued the last line.

Silence stroked the air once again.

Blazer could see his world fading into the darkness. His last moment with her.

I’m sorry Eve I couldn’t make it.


I’m sorry to leave you like this again.


At least you’re the last thing I see.


At least I made you happy, just for a moment.


At least I had rejoined you again.


I will always be with you no matter what.


I love you Eve.


My everlasting love for you will never die.


Happy Birthday.


Eve noticed the loosening of Blazer’s arms around her body & the murdering silence around them. She knew something was terribly wrong. She looked up at Blazer.


“Blazer?” She asked, waiting for a response.


Nothing.


Her eyes widened in fear.


“Blazer!” She shouted. “Wake up sweetheart, please!”


It wasn’t tears of
joy & relief anymore, it was fear. A thousand thoughts entered her head as she scrambled to wake him up.
He didn’t.

She stood back, standing up, pointing her arms at Blazer. A red aura from her body illuminated. She tried using Refresh & Recover to the lifeless body in front of her, waiting for a response.


Nothing.


She administered all kinds of healing methods she learned at the academy on his inert corpse, but to no avail.


“Anybody, help! Please!” she pleaded, shouting out to whoever might be there to help.


No one.


“Blazer, no!!!” she shouted in grief & horror.


The clock struck twelve loud & clear. It was now Eve's birthday.


She hugged him tightly, tears running down from her cheeks once more. The wound was deep. Her lover torn from her again, separated from each other with a barrier of no return-death. No types, methods & instruments of healing would bring him back.


“Why, Blazer, why? Why have you left me all alone again? Why did you do it again?” I didn’t even get a chance to say “I love you,”” Eve said while sobbing strappingly.


Then, her tears stopped flowing when the thought of the song came into her mind. “Everlasting love.”


He would always love her, no matter what. Even death can’t obliterate the bonds between two lovers.


He would soon meet her again, in paradise.




Spoiler:

~THE END~
Click here if you want to here the tune of the song(An Everlasing love)
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Punishments....


Last edited by .emerald; September 17th, 2008 at 06:51 AM.
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  #2    
Old September 15th, 2008, 07:04 AM
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I found it adorable good job
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Old September 15th, 2008, 07:15 AM
.emerald
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Well, thanks!
Any errors that you have found?
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Punishments....

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Old September 15th, 2008, 07:36 AM
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nope, i didn't see any errors
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Old September 16th, 2008, 06:30 PM
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Seeing as you asked me to..

Well, overall a better job then before, I have to say. You've definitely made a marked improvement on description, although now there's even further improvements that can be made on that. But still better then before. You also did a fine job with characters and emotion portrayed between them - quite well done. The story itself was ok - told decently and with a good ending too, IMO. Unfortunately the link you provided for the tune doesn't quite work for me... just loads and can't play. Oh well, no matter.

Now for critique...
Quote:
A calm summer night, the sky was starlit & the insipid moon gave of a light shining on the Hearthome City mansion above the peacefully silent hills.

Think maybe it would be better to start a new sentence there? But up to you. Also off, not of.
Quote:
The mansion was surprisingly active tonight. Lights & sounds bustling about. It sounds like a party was taking place-just is, it was the annual Pokemon high school alumni homecoming.

The tone of the second sentence is more as if you were telling us this story on the street, not as if this was being written. It kinda 'breaks the fourth wall' - reminds us that this is a story, and can take us out of it. Try to avoid doing so.
The bolded part doesn't make too much sense to me, either, could be reworded.
On top of that, assuming the name of the school is Alumni, capitalise it, (along with 'High School').
Quote:
Every year it takes place on different locations. This particular year it was decided that the event should be held at Eve’s mansion. Eve had already passed an important exam when her mother died. Her mothers inheritance including the mansion would fall on her hands. She tried her best to keep the mansion in tip-tip condition. And with her hard work, it was a success. It was really ready for the alumni homecoming. The mansion was very ornate. Effervescent flowers blooming about, large & carefully grown Oak trees surrounded the compound, evergreen bushes & shrubs decorated the pavement leading to the large, carved doorway, huge Corinthian pillars surrounded the mansion all throughout, the garden terrace hung in between the large Oak tree on the second floor, & the most attractive embellishment of all, the statue situated at the front of the mansion depicting a Gardevoir & Ralts-(Eve & her mother) brilliantly & skillfully carved with the most minute of details.

Mother's, not mothers. Into would probably be better then 'on' as well...
Ok, you have the description here, which is good. You gave us a good idea on what it looked like and all. Now to make it better. One thing that affects this paragraph is the sentence length. The first eight sentences are all of a similar length - mix it up some more, so it doesn't sound repetitive and like a list. Some short, and some long.

And the last sentence... simply too long. Don't try and continue one sentence for too long, as otherwise it will just go on and on. It may take away from what it is you are trying to say and is a thing best avoided.

Lastly, don't introduce facts like who is who in brackets. Instead, use description to do that of the character themselves.
Quote:
The inside of the mansion was as attractive as the outside. The ceiling, highlighted with the most colorful, stunning murals depicting the Sinnoh legacy, a chandelier was dangling from the ceiling above, it had a bright, diamond like shine giving the room a tranquil, pale ambiance. The second floor was connected to the first by a winding, spiral woodenly carved flight of stairs. The flooring was blanketed with a velvet carpet that reached throughout the mansion. The hallways in the second floor had dozens of rooms, the walls had a yellowish-white color all throughout, on them were picture frames showing the most precious memories from long ago captured into the finest piece. The dinning room had an elongated table with candles & plates adjacent each side. Competently carved wooden chairs surrounded the table, their were enough to support dozens of guest-particularly the guests of the alumni homecoming. Flora were purposely placed so that it would give the room a soothing fragrance.
Also pay attention to the words you use, particular the starting word. All of those started with 'The' - change it up more, so again it doesn't feel as repetitive.
2nd and 5th sentences there are also a tad too long - or leastways, the ideas within are clunky. Try to link the things you mention there more, instead of listing the features of them. Use other things then commas, like these semi-colons and hyphens. Use some more variety in it.
Quote:
“Welcome! Please, make yourselves comfortable,” Eve said in her elegant gown then bowed her head to the guests.

I'd have it like this: '...elegant gown, bowing her head to the guests.' - or something like that - as it is it is a bit clunky.
Quote:
"Nice to see you all again, Doni, Blossom, Kizzy & Evanesce! How have you been doing?” She asked with a smile.

“Oh Eve, we’ve missed you so much!” Exclaimed Blossom, a fox-like Pokemon covered with a thick, luxurious white fur- a Ninetales.

Here, if the part following the dialogue flows on from the dialogue and you can treat the two as one sentence, do just that and go without the capitals. I advise taking a brief look at DarkPersian's grammar guide on the such if you're unsure - helps a lot, that. Speaking from experience.
And another thing here that you redid a lot...
Quote:
a humanoid Pokémon that resembles a bulky woman, wearing a red gown, has white arms and purple hands & has a purple face, pink lips, saucer-like eyes and long blond hair- a Jynx.

Ok, you have the description, BUT, for each Pokemon, no matter how minor their role, you always applied the same formula to them - introduce them with some dialogue, describe them with a list of features about them, then at the end say what they were.
'"Blah Blah," said a ladeda - Pokemon A. "Blah de blu," said a ladeda - Pokemon B.' - that's what it ends up looking like in essence.
Firstly, change it up more - don't reuse the same sentence structure for each occurrence. Secondly, there is no need to go into massive detail, especially if that character is only mentioned right then and there. Description of characters and so forth are more important for the not-one-timers.

Thirdly - the description itself. Constantly you simply gave a list of what the Pokemon looked like - features and so forth. It's certainly better then nothing, but there's more to add in. Add in, for instance, how they said their dialogue. And how their act. An important technique of description is to incorporate actions into it. This shows us what the character is like, as well as what he/she looks like.

For instance - take Blossom. Later on, when they left, you had her cry as she was leaving, being disappointed that it was over. That indicated something about her personality, but all the other times you didn't do that so much. Instead, include part of their personality in their description. If they are, say, a shy Pokemon, have them do some shyly when you introduce them. An arrogant Pokemon - what they say may reflect that, and a swagger or an air of confidence as they display their power or the such. Doing so firstly makes the description more enjoyable to read. It gives us more information to savour, and also helps us remember and like the characters that much more as well.
Quote:
The others enjoyed the food (appetizers) in the dinning room;

Again - don't include information like that in brackets - breaks the fourth wall and reminds us of your presence as the narrator.
Quote:
"It’s alright Blossom. I can here you & I already got over it. Actually, no, not a single one,” replied Eve confidently.

hear. Also, 'not a single one'... not quite clear what she is talking about there as well.
But here for instance is a chance to include more description. She said it confidently - but how confidently? Maybe just a hint of regret, or self-doubt as she said it, shown by a slight blush or something? Or maybe she said it with a steady voice? Maybe her eyes would give a small detail? Basically - show us as well as tell, or even show more then tell - let us the reader read it and make up our own minds with little hints.
Quote:
"Theirs Eve Blazer, come on here’s your chance!”

There's, or There is.
Quote:
10:00 P.M.

Try to avoid introducing time changes like that. Show us this instead, like for instance a grandfather clock chiming ten times. This keeps us within the story, and doesn't break up the pace.
Quote:
Eve went up the spiral stairs, exhausted from cleaning. She decided to head to the garden terrace before she slept to get some fresh air. She opened the glass doors leading into the veranda. The night atmosphere was different from what it was hours ago. The moon had already risen into the dark sky; the stars seem to glisten in the lucid, shadowy heavens. The cold night wind blew in a ruthless way. The dangling Oak branches embracing the veranda seemed to follow. Eve sat on the porch & took a deep breath.

She twice in a row, The four times in a row - change it up more, again. Add in the 'it' there, also seemed, as the rest is also in past tense - keep it consistent. Sentence length is also distract a tad away from the otherwise-good description here - watch for small things like those.
Quote:
He’s heart was beating fast,
His
Quote:
Blazer could feel the resentment in her tone, then he replied: “They diagnosed me with a Chronic illness, the doctor said I would die anytime this month.”

Chronic doesn't need to be capitalised, and maybe start a new sentence after illness. For dialogue, read it to yourself and see if it would be spoken like that. As for the revelation here...

... too much from left field that. All of a sudden, he has a chronic illness - but this is the first time we heard of this. It would, however, seem less sudden if you hinted at this beforehand. When you introduced Blazer, for instance, you could have shown us that maybe he wasn't in the best state of help - heavier breathing, or a reluctance to be so active at the party? Maybe a slight grimace of pain as he danced? Again, up to you on how you portray it, but by doing so it draws our interest, while leaving us wondering why he acts like this. Plus it then makes this part more understandable.
Quote:
“Let’s drop that matter, so, how have you been doing?”

Make a new sentence there.
Quote:
“I’m so sorry I left you Eve, because of my hindering disease, I never came to your birthday. I was unconscious in the sanatorium for a few days. Dad flew me to the Hoenn region because he knew some Pokemon doctors there that would administer a cure for my disease. After I awoke, I struggled to find you, I tried to call you, everything. But, to no avail. I persuaded my father to bring me back to Sinnoh but he refuted & told me to stay here incase my disease would kick in again. I missed you so much Eve. Every year, month, week, day, hour, minute & second that I’m not with you makes me detest myself for not going with you that night. But, when I heard that you would be holding the annual alumni homecoming, I grabbed this opportunity & snuck away from dad just to see you again. I missed you so much Eve, please, please Eve, accept my apology!!” Blazer sorrowfully said, ready to draw out a tear.

IMO, too much being said there without much else happening. Show some character reactions to this in-between - how is Eve acting during this revelation? Also - in case as two words, and comma after said at the end for a slight pause.
Quote:
asked Eve, tucked contentedly at the chest of Blazer,

Add that 'the' in.
Quote:
12:00-Midnight

Again - don't do such things - it would be better if a clocked chimed 12 times right then and there, rather than you saying 'oh, it's midnight now', before returning to the story. Just interrupts the moment and the pacing.

Overall, certainly not bad, and better than what you showed in the other fic. Nice emotions and ending there as I said before, and the story idea wasn't so bad either. Delivered well, and with decent pacing - just try to keep everything within the story - don't add additional information in the brackets.

Work on that description as well - although much, much better then before - some of it was quite good, and you had a nice change of atmosphere for the second half, try to not make the description so listy and consider other things to describe, and try incorporating movement and actions with the description. There are some guides here which might help explain that in more detail. But I liked it, and it was good to see you make a marked improvement in your writing. J

And lastly - very nice picture there as well. Nice job with that.
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Old September 17th, 2008, 06:55 AM
.emerald
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Thank you for your criticism, bobandbill!
Already fixed the errors you have mentioned.
I'll try to do my very best next time!
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Old September 19th, 2008, 12:56 AM
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That was a very deep and emotional read man. I can see Emy means a lot to you?
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Old September 19th, 2008, 01:01 AM
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Yes she means a lot to me, anyway, you review fast...
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Old October 3rd, 2008, 01:49 AM
Sexycheese
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~E_M_Y~.......That was deep...........Im.........speechless............
Incredible I loved it! the emotion, the whole idea ofthe plot! Wow!!!!!!!!
Your brilliant !!!!!!!!
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Old October 3rd, 2008, 04:06 AM
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The description was very beautiful, though something that I found difficult to get by was the use of "&"' instead of "'and".
Regardless, it was quite an emotional read with a nice ending.
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Old October 3rd, 2008, 05:25 PM
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Well, thank you! Nevertheless, I still had some mistakes there. ..But, I'm surprised you enjoyed it!
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