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  #1    
Old October 2nd, 2008, 07:39 AM
An-chan's Avatar
An-chan
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Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: Finland
Age: 23
Intoduction: Hello there, everyone!
After finishing my first fic Journey to Isle of Jade (a full and ready fic, now, yay!) I got struck by this idea. So, I had to start writing right away. This one seems to be on its way to become about as long as the first one was, just without epilogue. I'll be writing this very actively. This should be enough nonsense, so let's get on with it.

Warning! This piece of fanfiction will include such things as humour, violence, death, speaking of deaths that occured in the past, injury, small amount of blood and making fun of OT fics, moms, kids, legendary Pokémon, pursuers of legendary Pokémon and the fact everyone seems to have only one parent in Pokémon world. If you are offended or depressed by such matters, please don't come whining to me about it after reading this, as you have been warned! Also keep in mind that this is a parody-well-at-least-sort-of fic and therefore should not by any means be taken too seriously.

Now that I got that off my agenda, it's time to begin.

Mama's boy

Table of contents: For your convinience!
Prologue - How my nightmare Began (this post, so no link)
Chapter 1 - Fluffy
Chapter 2 - Chapter 2 - Mari, Lilian and Flashfire Fist
Chapter 3 - A Rival Appears!
Chapter 4 - Mysteries of the Past
Chapter 5 - Lilian Burroughs
Chapter 6 - Two Beings
Chapter 7 - Things You Hear When It's Already Too Late
Chapter 8 - Hero
Chapter 9 - Justice and Injustice not up yet
Chapter 10 - not up yet
Chapter 11 - not up yet
Chapter 12 - not up yet *final*


How My Nightmare Began (AKA Prologue)

The sun shone trough my window and woke me up. As I opened my eyes, I realized it was a ridiculously beautiful weather outside. The sun shone brightly, but not blindingly and all the bird pokémon sang with their very clear yet not too loud voices. There were a couple of clouds on the sky to perfect the image with their gentle shadows. Even all the plants were blooming, completely ignoring the fact that it was already June and that they had already bloomed this year. From this weather I knew that this was the day. This was the day I would start my journey as a real pokémon trainer!

My name is Jack and I am ten years old. Ever since my 10th birthday I had waited for this day to come, but it had rained for the whole week. Everybody knows you just can't start as a trainer if it's a rainy day. That's why I knew my day had finally come. Moreover, the scent of a delicious breakfast floated in the air. My mom was usually a late sleeper, but today she had gotten up early and made some... What could this be? Pancakes?

I dressed up and ran downstrairs. There, in the kitchen, was my mom, all dressed up and making pancakes for breakfast. This should have alarmed me, but I was so happy I didn't pay any attention. I stood there and watched her for a while. I felt a bit bad for leaving her by herself, but I guessed she didn't have any problems with me leaving. At least now she'd have the whole house and all her time to herself and Blanca. Blanca was a ninetales and a really old one, too. She had been my dad's pokémon when he was still alive. Now she had no trainer but she stayed with mom for who knows what reason.

My mom was still a fairly young woman. She had happy blue eyes and bluish-black hair, so I didn't really look like her at all with my brown eyes, dark redish hair and tan skin. Everybody said I took after my father. And not only my appearance, but my personality, too. He had been a pokémon researcher before he died. I never knew him, I was so small when he died, and my mom never talked about him, so I didn't know an awful lot of him. As I said, I was worried to leave my mom alone, but I was sure she'd get over it. I wonder who'll travel with me on my journeys...?

"Oh, Jack, you're awake", mom said when she turned around to put some jam on the two servings of pancakes.

"Of course I am, don't you know what day today is", I answered with great enthusiasm.

"Sure I do", mom said and put the plates on the table,
"We're leaving to be pokémon trainers today. Now, come and eat, or we'll be late!"

"Thanks for the breakfast, mom", I shouted and sat to eat. Then, I realized. "Wait. 'We'?"

"Me and you, honey", mom said and patted my head before sitting down herself.

"You? But..."

"I never got to go as a trainer, so I still haven't claimed my starter pokémon. I thought I could do so now and go together with you", she said and started to eat.

"Are you serious?" I couldn't believe my ears.

"Why would I be joking", she asked with a sincere face, "I have every right to go. Besides, I'm worried about you! You'll starve to death without me."

"But... But..." This was not how things are supposed to go! She should have said that she loves me and that I should have a great journey and come back as the best trainer ever, and what does she say? 'You'll starve to death, I'll come with you." Then I realized she was propably joking. I stared at her.

"Eat up, young man, or I'll go without you", she smiled, got up and went upstairs. She must be joking, I thought and started to eat so I wouldn't be late.

Minutes after, she came down in the most peculiar outfit. She had a red miniskirt and a red hoodie with black tights and a dark blue belt, scarf and legwarmers. I almost choked on my food as I stared at my mother. Her hoodie had a pokéball logo on its back. I could have mistaken her for a 19-year-old, but that was not the point.

She was clearly serious about coming with me. My mom was starting her journey as a trainer with me. I'd finally become a trainer - with my mom!

I should've realized to dig a grave for my dreams to become a trainer right away and go for being a sales clerk or something. I clearly had the worst luck in this world. So, it was no wonder my journey ended up being what it was.
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Last edited by An-chan; June 11th, 2009 at 02:00 PM.
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  #2    
Old October 3rd, 2008, 04:22 AM
aceupthesleeve's Avatar
aceupthesleeve
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An interesting concept indeed.
The reason as to why a parent would allow a ten year old child out into the world on their own was always a mystery to me. It's refreshing to see that somebody's very blantantly pointed this out.
Good job, you've left me curious as to what could go wrong with his mother in tow.
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  #3    
Old October 3rd, 2008, 01:58 PM
An-chan's Avatar
An-chan
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Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: Finland
Age: 23
Jack Killigan and his mother April are back, now to get their very first pokémon! I hope you will like this chapter, as I put a lot of effort into it. If you have any questions, just ask.
Enjoy!



Chapter 1 - Fluffy

There I was, minutes away from fulfilling my dream of becoming a trainer.

I stood in the line in front of professor LeBlanc's lab with about twenty other kinds my age, some a bit older. Everyone was chatting about their first and second choices for starter pokémon and first catches. They had all decided their choises months ago, just like I did. I felt happy, but there was a large black shadow on my field of happiness.

My mom stood in the line, too. And she stuck out like a sore thumb.

All the other moms and dads that stood nearby were looking at her like she was a complete idiot that, frankly, I think she was. She stood there and had a happy chit-chat with the eleven-year-old kid from next door. I had no idea what they were dicussing, because I was the last person in the line and they were the first ones. She had reserved a place for me, too, but I rather stood away from her.

Well, not that anyone there would not have known whose mother she was.

Now, I really didn't have any problems with my mother before. She is a friendly person with a grat sense of humour and a young mind, so we understand each other really well. She's strict, but not too strict, and makes me do only a reasonable amount of household duties. I don't think she ever realized how much all this trainer stuff meant to me. That had to be it, because otherwise she would have understood I did not want her with me.

This was my thing, not hers.

And she was ruining it.

As I was sulking by myself at the end of the line, professor LeBlanc came out. He was a tall man with blond hair and pale skin and he was always wearing red clothes under his lab coat. The word was that he had come from some foreign country, and that seemed to be true, as he had a slight accent to his speech. I really admired professor LeBlanc, and I had done so since I was a little kid.

"All right, everyone", he said and silenced the whole crowd with his mere presence, "Before I start giving out your starter Pokémon, I have an announcement to make. As you all probably now, this year we have received a true privilege here in Parsley Town. Instead of the regular starters given out everywhere else in Kanto, we are giving out starter pokémon from Sinnoh region. This is a true rarity, so everyone be happy!"

A storm of applauds followed his announcement. I did not know that a bunch of kids could make that much noise with their hands, but then again, I myself was clapping for at least eleven persons.

"Now, come on inside, but remember to keep in like", professor said and turned towards my mother and the kid next to him, "Are you in the line, mrs. Killigan?"

"Well, actually, I am", answered my mom and blushed, "And I wonder, what might that announcement of yours meant, technically speaking?"

"Ah, nothing much, mrs. Killigan", LeBlanc laughed, "It just means that instead of the usual bulbasaur, squirtle and charmander, you now get to choose from turtwig, piplup and chimchar."

"Oh my, what if I don't know any of those?" my mother asked. I flipped.

"Go home if you don't know anything", I yelled at her. How could she embarass me that way in front of the other kids? All those children had played with me at once, and there were some of my best friends in that line, too. There was Mari, who had been my friend since we were babies, there was Paul, my very best friend, there was Lilian, this really cute and shy girl... I could keep going forever...

"I see Jack Killigan is here today as well", professor LeBlanc said smiling, "Has everyone made their choice of pokémon already?"

His question was answered by a horrible racket as everyone started to yell what they wanted, why they wanted them and what they definitely did not want. I was grumpy, so I muttered "yes" and remained silent for the rest of the time it took to calm everyone down.

"I'm not sure yet", said my mother. Of course it had to come. How could she not draw attention to herself by revealing her complete ignorance by every word she said?

"Piplup's the water one, turtwig's the grass one and chimcar's the fire one", helped the kid next to her.

"That's a hard choice to make", she said and sighed, "Which one's the best?"

A freezing silence floated in the air. Every single kid in the line and a couple of older siblings from the audience stared at my mom with big, round, suprised eyes, their mouths wide open from the shock. Even my mom could sense something was out of normal, as looked startled. How little did she know! She should not have looked startled, she should have been absolutely horrendously terrified like I was. She had just thrown gasoline to open flames. And as I suspected, all the kids started shouting at the exact same second.

"Piplup is the best! He's a water type, so he totally rocks!"
"Turtwig, you should take turtwig! Sure he's a bit slow, but the defense is awesome!"
"Piplup as the best moves!"
"Chimchar can't learn Surf!"
"Chimchar is the best there ever was, he has fighting moves, too!"
"He's the fastest!"
"You're wrong! Don't you know anything about pokémon?"
"If you're that stupid, you should just go home. No-one sensible would pick turtwig!"
"I hate you! I have always hated you!"
"Noob!"
"CALM DOWN EVERYONE!" Professor LeBlanc yelled, his face as red as his shirt. "Enough about this nonsense already! The next one to hit someone goes straight home and has to wait another year to get a startes. Understood?"

Nobody said a word. The professor then leaded us inside his lab and put us in a line shaped like an arch. That way we could all see the round table he had put in the middle of the lab. It had three sections in it, each with about seven pokéballs.

"Mrs. Killigan should get to pick first as she seems to know nothing of these pokémon", Professor LeBlanc said and pointed at his hand to make my mother step up from the line, "Which type would you like, April Killigan?"

"A grass type for me", she stated in a clear voice. I was suprised that she actually had come to a conclusion and decided on one of the pokémon. I supposed her decision was based on the colour picture of the three pokémon that was posted on the wall. LeBlanc took a pokéball and gave it to mom, instructing her to let the pokémon out so they could conifrm their trainer relationship. She let her turtwig out from the pokéball, and you wouldn't know, the most unexpected thing happened - again.

Everyone stared at her turtwig as he sat on the ground and looked curiously at his new trainer.

"Umm, pardon me for asking stupid questions, but shouldn't he be green?" That, again, was my mother.

"Mom, he's a shiny", I told her and tried to hide my utter despair. Why did she have to take everything away from me?

"He doesn't shine", my mother protested, staring at her new friend, the light blue turtwig with a stupid proud look on his face. The suprised professor interrupted her now that he had his ability to speak again.

"Shiny doesn't necessarily mean a shining pokémon", he explained, "Shiny pokémon are found in every species, but they're ultra super mega rare. I think the last shiny starter was seen fifty years ago, and that was in Johto. I don't think there has ever been a shiny starter turtwig. You should concider yourself very lucky, April Killigan."

"Isn't that great, Jack?" She was obviously really excited, so I just smiled at her instead of crying my eyes out. Frankly, that was the thing I wanted to do most at that time. All the kids were still silent and green from envy, but they could not possibly have known how I felt.

"W-would you like to nickname it, Mrs. Killigan..?" asked the professor in trembly voice. He was still very shocked by the shiny starter he had just given out.

"Yes, indeed I would", mom answeared and patted her turtwig gently on the head, "I think Fluffy would do."

"Fluffy?!" I was so angry, jealous, disapointed and depressed that I didn't even know should I cry or laugh anymore, "You can't name that thing 'Fluffy'! That's insane, mom! You should trat him with some respect!"

"I'm not the one who called him 'that thing'", mom said and looked a bit hurt, "If I say he's Fluffy, then Fluffy he is."

That was all I could think about when I waited for my turn to choose. I kept my eyes closed and hoped that I would wake up. I didn't mind seeing my mom often even when I was on my journey as a trainer. I always thought I'd invite her to see me and my new friends and make long phonecalls to tell her about my new pokémon and how I'd grown. But I couldn't stand the idea of her being there every day, all the time, with her stupid shiny started turtwig she named Fluffy... Of all the stupid names in this world, she had to choose Fluffy! It was a bad name for a skitty, but for crying out loud, Fluffy the Turtwig...

"Jack Killigan, I believe you're the only one left", LeBlanc said smiling and had me open my eyes, "What would be your choice..?"

I had had a hard time deciding between piplup and chimchar, but now that mom had a grass type, I had to have a chimchar. For that purpose, I had come up with this awesome strategy about a week ago. You know, when you're the last one to choose your starter, you never get the one you request for first. So, I decided to ask piplup first and when told there weren't any, I'd "settle" with my chimchar. The first thing I'd do with my chimchar, who I'd name either Marianne or Raymond, after my father, would be beating up my mother in a fair fight. Maybe that'd make me feel better, too.

"I want a piplup", I said. I think I was blushing out of sheer enthusiasm. My dream was finally coming true. Now it didn't matter if mom was with me or not, because I was going to be a real pokémon trainer with real pokémon. Nobody could stop me from being happy now!

"Here you go!"

"Ahhh, too bad, I guess I'll have to take chim... Wait, what?"

"Here's your piplup. He's the last one of his kind, too, so you were lucky, young mister Killigan!" LeBlanc smiled with his whole face, beaming of happiness for my heavenly luck's sake. Grownups really are more stupid than you'd think, aren't they?

"But, ah, I would want... I want a chimchar, really..." I mumbled, holding the pokéball of that held the last piplup inside it. I held it like an idiot, I really should have given it back and said I didn't want it.

"Go on, let the piplup out", LeBlanc encouraged me and pointed at the button on the pokéball. I was about to object, but a swift look at the round table silenced me. The section for chimchar balls was empty. I had not fooled the law of the last choicemaker after all. I had only fooled myself. Well, a piplup wasn't so bad, was it?

As expected, he wasn't a shiny. The only thing special about him was a dark stripe on his peck. He seemed like a nice fellow, looking at me curiously and all. I knew I'd get along with him, so I started to feel at ease again.

"Would you want your name to be Piyon", I asked him out of an impulse. He looked at me, deep in thought for a while. He had such a dark eyes, and yet he looked so small and stupid. I'm not going to modify the truth to be more beautiful, he really didn't look like he was the brightest bulb in the bunch. Then he nodded.

"Piyon it is", I said and shook hands or paws or fins or whatever with him. Piyon, my piplup. So much for the name Raymond, then.

"You're suprisingly nice, Jack", professor LeBlanc told me when he gave me my blue pokedex and five pokéballs, "I really thought you'd go straight for the fire type, but look at that! You chose a water type after all. Are you planning on letting your mother win on purpose?"

That really shattered my world. I could win mom's turtwig, whom I refuse to call Fluffy, if I really put some effort to it... But considering my luck, I was never going to beat her. Not with anything. Not even if Piyon was the most awesome piplup on the face of this earth, which I doubt.

My dream. Ah, my sweet dream was finally true, but at what cost?

When I got out of the lab, my mom stood there with a beaming smile and her turtwig in her lap.

"I think your little pokémon and my Fluffy here are going to be friends, aren't they, Jack honey?"

The abyss I had descended to... The horrifying journey that was ahead of me... How much bad luck does a person need to have a mother that names her shiny turtwig Fluffy?

And to think that wasn't even the worse part...
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Fanfiction:Mama's Boy|World Saviour Sora-chan (parody)|
One shots: The Elevator|Once in a Forest Fire|

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Last edited by An-chan; October 23rd, 2008 at 11:26 AM.
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  #4    
Old October 3rd, 2008, 02:04 PM
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Saltare.
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I found it kinda cute :3 Keep it up
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  #5    
Old October 3rd, 2008, 05:18 PM
aceupthesleeve's Avatar
aceupthesleeve
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I liked his theory about the last pick, it's always been such a cliché truth. Typical it didn't apply now that he wanted it to.


I found a few grammatical and spelling errors within the first few paragrahs, but after that there weren't many.

I wrote the proper spelling/tence here:

Quote:
I stood in the line in front of professor LeBlanc's lab with about twenty other kinds my age, some a bit older. Everyone was chatting about their first and second choices for starter pokémon and first catches. They had all decided their choices months ago, just like I did. I felt happy, but there was a large black shadow on my field of happiness.
Quote:
As I was sulking by myself at the end of the line, professor LeBlanc came out. He was a tall man with blond hair and pale skin and he was always wearing red clothes under his lab coat. The word was that he had come from some foreign country, and that seemed to be true, as he had a slight accent to his speech. I really admired professor LeBlanc, and I had done so since I was a little kid.


Quote:
"All right, everyone", he said and silenced the whole crowd with his mere presence, "Before I start giving out your starter Pokémon, I have an announcement to make. As you all probably now, this year we have received a true privilege here in Parsley Town. Instead of the regular starters given out everywhere else in Kanto, we are giving out starter pokémon from Sinnoh region. This is a true rarity, so everyone be happy!"


Other than those it was, like before, a fun read
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  #6    
Old October 12th, 2008, 01:37 PM
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LugiaFreak
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I love this idea! I would hate it if my mom came with me on a Pokemon Journey... 0_o

But anyway, nice work! I can't wait for the next chapter! I'll definitely read this story as it progresses.
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Old October 12th, 2008, 01:53 PM
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Wow this is really good I'm going to subscribe!!!!
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  #8    
Old October 13th, 2008, 08:38 AM
An-chan's Avatar
An-chan
Whoops.
 
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: Finland
Age: 23
Hello!
Here I am again with the second chapter of this little story. Sorry for the long wait!
In this chapter, we get to meet Jack's friends and the deeper story under these events starts to unfold...
Thank you for reading, I hope you enjoy!

Chapter 2 - Mari, Lilian and Flashfire Fist


"Charlie!" yelled a voice from behind me. I didn't have to see her to know who she was, as there was only one person on this world who called me Charlie. I had tried to make her stop it, but she never did, so I had given up years ago. She thought that 'Jack' was too short of a name so she named me 'Charlie'. Yeah, and she was the one to say, as her name was Mari, which is precisely as short as my name.

"Hi there, Mari", I and turned around to face her, just to be polite. Mari Itaka, as sad as it was, was my best friend. Her mother had been my father's assistent before they both died in the same accident. Her father was a well known scientist and a professor, so he was busy with his work all the time. So, as we were the same age, Mari had spent two thirds of her childhood in our house. We grew up together, and in a way, she was like my sister. She often ate and spent the night with me and my mom. She could cook by herself despite her young age, but she preferred to eat my mother's food. I don't blame her, my mother makes the best food there is.

"So, you chose a piplup, huh?" she asked me and looked at my Piyon, who was walking next to me. I had yet to call him back to his ball because I had thought I'd let him see my hometown a bit.

"Of course I chose a piplup", I said confidently and tried to make myself believe I preferred my Piyon over any stupid chimchar or any other pokémon for that matter.

"Too bad", she said with a disappointed look on her face, "I kind of hoped I would have the elemental advantage against you. I guess I'll have to settle with battling aunt April and Lilian, then."

"Y-you got a chimchar?" I couldn't believe my ears. Apparently there was some sort of conspiracy against me going on. She looked at me with an arrogant look on her face. She would have been a nice-looking girl if she hadn't had that arrogant face on all the time. She looked at bit unusual because both her parents were from a far-away place. She had these huge, grey eyes, so it was really scary when she glared at someone. Her hair was black, but it looked like it was dark red in right lighting. Nobody else had that kind of hair and that's why some rich girls teased her back in kindergarten. They once cut her hair all short when she was taking a nap and I had to take revenge for her. I did it by putting gum in those rich girls' hats so their hair got all messed up and had to be cut, too. After that, she had always kept her hair short.

Now she somehow managed to make a big fuss over throwing a pokéball. She made overly large and dramatical maneuvers when taking out her ball and then took a "cool" pose before throwing it.

"A-ha!" she shouted when her chimchar appeared in front of me, "Meet my chimchar, Charlie! Her name is Flashfire Fist!"

"Y-You g-gotta be k-kidding me", I said to her, barely keeping my uncontrollable laughter inside me. This was ridiculous. First my mom named her turtwig Fluffy and now Mari had named her chimchar... What? Flashfire Fist? Ah, it was far too ridiculous to be true.

"Of course I am serious", she told me with a dead serious face, "You don't joke about things like these. I thought about naming her 'The Duchess Flashfire Fist the First', but Lilian here told me it's too long. Maybe it would indeed have been too long, but I like long names."

"Flashfire Fist is also too long", Lilian said with a faint voice behind her. Ahh, Lilian, now there was a sensible person. Lilian was like an angel: she was kind, quiet and thoughtful. Maybe she's a bit shy, but that's only cute, right? She had light brown curly hair and beautiful green eyes. No matter how you looked at her, she was beautiful, even though she was only eleven. I had planned to make her my girlfriend when I was old enough. She was very serious, not at all a joker like me and Mari. She smiled often but I had never heard her laugh.

"You should call her Fanny", I told Mari, trying to sound serious to impress Lilian. I always tried to sound mature when Lilian was around. After all, she was older than me and Mari.

"That's so lame, but I guess I'll have to", Mari answered and shrugged, "I can't yell 'Flashfire Fist' in a battle, after all, it'd take me forever to finish my command. Just remember it is her real name, okay? Well then, what lame name did you give this pathetic penguin of yours?"

"His name is Piyon, just so you know", I said defiantly and Piyon nodded. He seemed angry. Apparently he was of the easily provocative type.

"Mari and Lilian, which way are you heading?" asked my mom. For a moment there I had completely forgot that she was still standing there, pretending to be a ten-year-old. I had already got my hopes up about traveling with Mari and Lilian, but I didn't think they would want to go with my mom. Who would?

"Aunt April!" Mari shouted. "How thrilling to see you became a trainer, too! And you even got a shiny starter pokémon! I'm soooo jealous and I bet Charlie is, too."

"It's a lousy turtwig anyway, so I don't mind", I lied, but nobody really listened to me except for Piyon, who looked strictly at me and nodded with a proud look on its tiny and overly cute face.

"I think it's great that you still want to try at that age", Lilian said silently to my mom and almost gave me a heart attack. Excuse me, but what the heck? What was so great about it?

"We haven't thought about a direction yet", Mari told mom and seemed a bit imbarassed. "They recommend every starting trainer from Parcel Town to fight their first gym battle in New Viridian City, so I guess we'd be heading there..."

"I reckon we have to go there, too. So, would you girls like to travel with me and Jack?" asked mom, and I swear that for a second my heart actually stopped. I would've never had the courage to ask Mari and Lilian to travel with us - yes, I had already given up on going without mom - but I really liked the idea. Mari was annoying, but she was my best friend, after all. And Lilian... If I traveled together with Lilian, maybe she'd fall in love with me! I could be a hero and save her from something bad. Maybe Mari would help me if I told her I liked Lilian...

"Of course we would like to travel with you, aunt April", Mari answered and gave mom her most charming smile.

"I have no problem with that", said Lilian. It was only now that I noticed the absol behind her. I had never seen a real absol before, except for pictures in magazines. I had heard they were pretty rare and I had always admired their cool looks, with the horn and the red eyes and all. They were brave creatures that fought natural disasters even in the wild. The Elite Four Champion Lauranna had once given a medal to an absol for saving a small town from a terrible flood. I hoped I could do the same when I would be the E4-champion myself.

"Lilian, how come you have an absol?" I asked cautiously.

"Oh", she said and turned towards the absol, "This is Emma. I've had her since I was really small, so I had her registered as my starter pokémon."

"Isn't that a bit unfair?" I mumbled and looked at Emma in great admiration. She looked back at me with her ruby-coloured eyes and I can swear it looked like she was amused by something.

"I have to go get Blanca and some cooking utensils before we can go", mom said and smiled at the girls. She then turned away and started walking towards our house with Fluffy on her arms.

"Oh dear, I forgot about Blanca", I heard Mari mumble. She was not in very good terms with Blanca. Blanca was old, even for a ninetales, and therefore she loathed all sorts of noises, many for which Mari was the source. Blanca was grumpy and inconsiderate, which was a very bad combination. She would sometimes burn Mari's short hair so it was all curly and smelled weird. But that was only when she was having a bad mood. Most of the times she was busy minding her own business and letting Mari make however loud noises she wanted to.

"Don't worry about it, Mari", I told her and shoved her gently with my elbow, "We're real trainers now, going on a real journey with real pokémon!"

"Yeah, you're right", she said and put on a devilish smile, "But what was that about real trainers? I haven't heard about real trainers traveling with their moms! I might be a real trainer, and Lilian is, too, but you're just a mama's boy!"

I wanted to go home.

Oh, how badly I wanted to go home.

***

"I know he hates this", April Killigan told the old ninetales while patting her head, "I know I souldn't come with him, but I can't let him leave alone. It's too dangerous for him."

"Lucky that you managed to get Mari with you", answered Blanca the ninetales. April could understand her because she was, like 40% of all trainers, sensitive to pokémon's speech. She might not have understood the words, but the meaning got though to her.

"I know", April sighed, "I think I can be at ease now. Expecially if you come with us."

"I will come", Blanca groaned and stood up, "Although it's troublesome, I will come. Jack is Raymond's son, after all, and I've grown fond of that boy."

April didn't say anything. She got up and went to kitchen to pack up her kettles, pans and knives. Blanca closed her eyes for a moment and drifted back in time with her memories.

"I'll make sure Jack won't befall the same destiny as his father did", she mumbled and would've shed a tear if she could.
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  #9    
Old October 13th, 2008, 01:27 PM
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*peeks in*

Next person who gives a one-liner review will receive a warning! Don't be annoying An-chan with your short reviews.

Oh! And something I noticed, An-chan, while skimming.

Quote:
"CALM DOWN EVERYONE", professor LeBlanc yelled, his face as read as his shirt, "enough about this nonsense already!
Usually, when people yell, you pretty much automatically put in an exclamation mark, since it would just make sense. Also, unless LeBlanc is saying this as "Calm down everyone enough of this nonsense already!", then you should fix your punctuation.

And you should capitalize "professor", since it's part of his title.

A comma goes after "down", for the direct address. The comma after "shirt" should be a full stop, and then "enough" is capitalized. So it'll look like this:

Quote:
"CALM DOWN EVERYONE!" Professor LeBlanc yelled, his face as read as his shirt. "Enough about this nonsense already!
There you go.
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  #10    
Old October 13th, 2008, 01:44 PM
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An-chan
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*sheds tears of joy*

Astinus stood up for me! \o/

Uh-oh, I sort of had the feeling "professor" should be capitalized, but as I wasn't sure, I didn't do as my heart told me! I fixed every "professor LeBlanc" I could find, but I can bet I missed some. And when it comes to those commas and that sort of stuff, I deeply appreciate any kind of corrections. I don't really know how English is supposed to be written in cases like these (they only teach us to write essays in school, and we can't use any quotations in those) and so I write pretty much like I would do in Finnish.

Oh, and people: not that I mind you praising me and all that, just please tell me something more than just that this is a good fic ;_; I don't think I'm being unreasonable when I ask you to tell me why you like this and if there's something you don't like. It won't take you long to write, say, twenty words about that...
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  #11    
Old October 13th, 2008, 04:15 PM
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solovino
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OK, then... since you've been kind to me, An-chan, and because this FF has simply taken over my week, I'm going to try and provide a sane, practical, multi-liner review. Or else...

Quote:
"So, you chose a piplup, huh", she asked me and looked at my Piyon, who was walking next to me. I had yet to call him back to his ball because I had thought I'd let him see my hometown a bit.
I still can't get used to the uncapitalized (help, please, is that the right word?) species names, but that's only a minor nuissance on my end. The other minor nuissance is a matter of grammar: if Mari is asking about Piyon, shouldn't her dialogue be question-marked? As in "'So, you chose a piplup, huh?', she asked...". Otherwise she is simply remarking.

Similarily, here, there seems to be an exclamation mark missing (in "Aunt April"):
Quote:
"Aunt April!", Mari shouted, "How thrilling to see you became a trainer, too!
Here what seems to be a keyboard slip:
Quote:
Her hair was black, but it looked like it was dark red in right lighting. Nobody else had that kingkind of hair and that's why some rich girls teased her back in kindergarten. They once cut her hair all short when she was taking a nap and I had to take revenge for her.
Minor typo here. Although, if I can get a heads or tials of the concept, I'd like to have a king of hair myself.

And here, an inversion typo:
Quote:
She would sometimes burn Mari's short hair so it was all curly and smelled weird. But that was only when she was having a bad mood. Most foof the times she was busy minding her own business and letting Mari make however loud noises she wanted to.
Plot-wise, there is not much correction I can provide, given that you have kept the flow of both action and description, and I can't see any obvious glitches. The only detail that slightly caught my attention, is that when Charlie's mom asked the other girls which way were they heading, they never actually answered that question, instead they expressed admiration at the fact April was becoming a Trainer at that age, and all of a sudden she asked them if they would like to travel together. The flow of ideas felt too rushed here, as if April was taunting the subject of traveling together to come on, but that may have been just me.


Also, there is a detail in the first chapter I wanted to expose, although this is no longer the right time.

Quote:
Everyone stared at her turtwig as he sat on the ground and looked curiously at his new trainer.

"Umm, pardon me for asking stupid questions, but shouldn't he be green?" That, again, was my mother.

"Mom, he's a shiny", I told her and tried to hide my utter despair. Why did she have to take everything away from me?

"He doesn't shine", my mother protested, but the suprised professor interrupted her now that he had her ability to speak again.
When I read this section the first time, I could gather the idea that the Pokémon was a shiny, however, the lack of a more adequate description stung me to stop reading at that point and look away at Bulbapedia or other online pokédex as to learn what a shiny Turtwig was like. I felt the writing there was not expressively enough about the surprising fact, and deviated my attention towards the search of a "dictionary definition". A couple of more descriptive sentences among the lines of "their envy-green stares could only match the leaves of the otherwise light-blue coloured Pokémon..." would have prevented me from breaking my concentration (and my laughter) during the reading; dunno if someone else was actually affected.

As for a more holistic opinion: looking back, I can say this is a very fun piece of work to read. When I started reading the first release, I was left quite stunned by the surprise factor, which I have to say you have driven quite well. Also how the way April acts seems to bring on each and every possible "Pokémon flame-war", gave me a more completely insight of the character as the first chapter came to an end.

If there are other typos in Ch.2, for the sake of me I can't find them! Alas for the quotations: I'm still fighting my way out of these, thanks to some advisories published here in the FF section of the site. Bear in mind that I'm no english natural either, I simply happen to have to write a lot of technical English, but that's not exactly the type of English you would write when you want to do dialogue and action...

Well... that's what I have to say for now. I hope these little details can help you to improve your work. I'm sure this has the potential to become one of the funniest well-written Pokémon fanfics ever. Oh, and before I forget: quite a good job there and I expect to be reading more... which will happen, if I havent' just triggered Astinus' yelow card.
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  #12    
Old October 22nd, 2008, 12:09 PM
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An-chan
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Hmm, so the next chapter is now up. My thanks to jeffback for betaing this! The next chapter should start making things really interesting.
Also, want to know something? The region Jack, April, Mari and Lilian live is is called Voitto. It's a pun about Johto: you see, 'johto' in Finnish means "lead" (like in the sentence "he had the lead in the race". Although, johto can also mean a wire) and 'voitto' means "victory". When I still watched the anime, I thought that Johto League (or Johto-liiga in Finnish) meant that it was better than the original Pokémon League. You know, when it leads...

Okay, that's about enough nonsense. Enjoy the chapter!



Chapter 3 - A Rival Appears!



Apart from my moms presence, everything was going really well. I was traveling with two pretty girls, my Piyon and I got along well, and the food was really good. The only things I needed now were a rival and a first catch.

I didn't want my first catch to be some lame, super-common pokémon like pidgey or bidoof. Geez, those pokémon were flocking around us, begging to either get their butts kicked or caught by some newbie trainers. They seemed to have no ambitions in life, and I didn't want a pokémon like that. Piyon deserved companions worthy of his presence. So, I decided to wait until I could find a better spot before trying to catch anything.

Mari, of course, did not posess the same sense of strategy that I did. She caught a pidgey and a bidoof as soon as we entered the forest. She knew as well as I did that she would never really use those pokémon, and because her conscience would not have let her store them in a PS box either, she would probably set them free after some time. That, however, did not stop her from bragging to me with all her might. When I told her I didn't want to waste my first ever catch on some worthless pokémon like she did, she made her pidgey peck my head until I managed to get mom to tell her to quit. Lilian and Emma watched us all this time, both with a slightly amused look on their faces.

It was quite weird how Lilian and Emma would always stay a couple of steps behind me, Mari, and mom. I had thought that Lilian was a good friend of Mari, but they didn't even look at each other. Moreover, both Emma and her trainer seemed to be at stand-by all the time, alerted by every sound we heard. I didn't let them bother me, though. I felt comfortable in the forest. Mom told me it was because I had inherited my father's skill to understand nature. Apparently mom wasn't part of nature, because I didn't understand her words...

We walked for the whole day. When the sun started to set, we built a camp and mom started to make some food, mainly because Blanca wouldn't stop complaining. Mom had brought a heap of ingredients from home, and a good portion of them would get spoiled if we didn't eat them soon enough, so we ended up having a feast that night, to honour the start of our journey - and to prevent the food from rotting. I ate a lot, because all the walking had made me hungry. Mom looked at me with a sad expression on her face while I ate. I tried not to pay any attention it, as it was something she often did when she missed my father.

"I hope I'm not ruining this for you", she mumbled after a while. I'm not sure if that's what she said, because it was so faint, but I think I heard those words. Before I had an opportunity to ask, she had already started talking to Mari.

"So, Mari, how's your dad?" mom asked her. Mari looked up from her plate, looking very suprised and somewhat annoyed. She liked eating as much as I did, so I could sense she was annoyed because her meal had been incosiderately interrupted.

"He's fine. I promised to call him whenever I could. He had some sort of meeting with some old friend of his, Joseph I think his name was, and he was being really happy about it", she explained really fast, without breathing much.

"Well, that's very nice", mom said and looked very sad again. Mari looked even more suprised, put down her plate and then turned towards me. Her eyes were asking me what was wrong with mom. I shrugged, and she frowned at me.

"I think she misses dad again", I told Mari with just the movement of my lips. We were both pretty good lip-readers, so she understood me with only two tries.

***

It was soon after April Killigan and her two-year-old son Jack had heard a loud explosion that they heard the news. The explosion had come from the lab where the father of the family, Raymond Killigan, worked at. There were three fatalities in the explosion: Kotoko Itaka, the mother of a two-year-old girl, Wilhelm Schwartz, an old professor with no family, and Raymond Killigan. Nobody knew the cause of the explosion.

Mari spent the night with Jack and April that day. April tried to act like nothing had happened, for the children's sake. She did not have the energy to explain to the children what had happened now, so she had decided to postpone it to tomorrow. Mari's dad was out of town, so it would be better for her to know only after she had her dad to comfort her. This was what April had decided, and now they were eating in the kitchen, all three of them.

"Where's dad?" Jack asked after the first spoonful of the soup his mom had prepared for the day. She had started cooking before the explosion, so the soup was Raymond's favourite: carrot soup.

"He's not coming home today", April said, answering her son's innocent, curious eyes and trying not to cry. She could cry all she wanted after the kids were asleep, but now she had to act like nothing had happened. Mari continued her eating, satisfied by the answer: after all, it wasn't unusual for her mom and Jack's dad to spend the night at work. Jack, however, stared at his plate for a minute, thinking.

"I'm going to save some soup for dad", he said finally and smiled happily, "It's dad's favourite!"

After seeing her son so happy about saving soup for Raymond, April couldn't help herself. She walked over to Jack and Mari, hugged them both tightly and started to cry. Both children had a troubled look on their faces.

"He's not coming back, darling", April whispered and hugged the two toddlers tightly. She'd never let them go. She'd protect them forever. At that time, she didn't even know those children really needed protection. Jack and Mari couldn't help but to start crying, too.

After Mari's dad came back to town, he lived at the Killigan's with Mari for over a week. All the four of them would cry together, or separately. As April and mr. Itaka were too busy mourning, arranging the things of their dead spouses, and surviving the daily life, Mari and Jack played and laughed together. They wouldn't even remember their dead parents later in life, nor would they remember these weeks of mourning and eating hardly anything.

For Jack and Mari it would be as if they never had more than one parent each.


***

"Look, a sentret", said Lilian suddently. We all turned towards the direction she was pointing at. There, right outside the circle of light our campfire illuminated, was a brown something. I could barely see that it was even a creature, yet Lilian had somehow managed to recognise it. Man, must her eyesight be awesome! Both me and Mari sat there, completely still and thought about feeding the pokémon that had dared to come so close to our camp. Mom, however, didn't think like we did at all.

"A-ha", she screamed and pointed her finger at the poor creature, "I'm so going to catch you, little sentrem!"

"It's sentret, mom", I corrected her with an agonized look on my face. She took out her pokédex - it was yellow, my mother just loved yellow - and pointed its sensor at the brown creature.

"Sentret, a scout pokémon", said the remotely computerish voice of a 16-year-old girl speaking and eating gum at the same time. She was E4-champion Lauranna's younger sister, Gisella, who was a big celebrity nowadays for starring in a TV series called 'The Pokémon of Our Lives', a series that somehow managed to combine drama, romance and pokémon research. She explored a new pokémon in every episode, so the Official Pokédex Board decided to use her voice as the voice of pokédex. They thought kids would admire her and be more pleased with their pokédexes that way. I never watched the show, because to me it seemed like Gisella wasn't being very accurate about her 'research'.

After a brief pause, the pokédex continued: "Well, this is an overly cute pokémon that can, you know, scratch and all that. It's a normal type, so there's not much to say about that. I think most of them like sweet stuff 'cause they're so cute, and you could really use them in contests or something. Anyway, it's abilities are hitting its targets -an ability called Keen Eye- and making running away easier. What? That's really lame! They're really cautious and all that, so don't go patting one or you'll get hurt. They can't sleep alone. Oh, and it evolves into furret."

Wasn't there a professor to check the accuracy of this pokédex? Moreover, the annoying sounds of her bubble gum popping interrupted the explanation every five seconds. This is what you get when you put celebrities into real jobs.

"I'll catch this sentrem, Jack, my pumpkin, if that's all right with you", mom said while putting her pokédex away.

"Why are you asking me?" I asked, still twitching from Gisella's annoying voice.

"I thought if you'd want this little feller", mom said and took out a pokéball in the old-fashioned way: by digging through her bag for a minute. When she finally found it, she took another one off her belt and pushed the big white button on it.

"Come out, Fluffy, we have a battle to win!" she yelled and I thought the sentret must be dead or sick or because it hadn't fled the scene yet. Fluffy the turtwig appeared in front of mom in his light blue glory and glared at the sentret. Much to my suprise, the sentret took a fighting pose instead of running away as fast as he could.

"Right, then", mom said and looked a bit confused, "Jack, can you tell me what Fluffy can do in battles?"

"It can use tackle", we answered simultaneously with Mari.

"Fluffy, use tackle!" mom yelled, now with more confidence. I was actually starting to get interested about how she would do. Judging by the level of her knowledge, I assumed she wouldn't catch the poor critter.

Apparently, however, it wasn't enough that Fluffy was a shiny, he was also immensily powerful. I could see that the poor sentret was already half fainted after the first hit, as he seemed to have problems with standing up and counter-attacking. He collected his strength to make a massive scratch on Fluffy's shell, but it wasn't enough to take the shiny turtwig down. The next two attempts Fluffy made on tackling the sentret failed miserably due to the sentret dodging everything and scratching Fluffy's feet to make it even slower. The third tackle, however, was a hit, and while the sentret was still stunned from the hit, mom threw the ball.

The most thrilling part of the process was now at hands. We watched how the sentret got sucked up into the ball. We watched how the red light lit up on the white button. We watched how the ball twiggled on the ground. We heard the sound that told us the sentret had stopped struggling and was now legally the property of Killigan family. For a second, we stood there, silently, and stared at the ball. Then, we broke into a jubilee.

"I caught him", mom yelled, ran over to take the ball and let out the newest pokémon on her team.

"She caught him", I rejoiced with Mari. Lilian was smiling graciously at mom and Blanca muttered something about not being able to sleep in this racket.

"Now, now", said mom and patted the sentret's head gently, "I'm not going to hurt you. Instead, let's come up with a name for you, shall we? How about... Twiggy?"

"Mom! He should be Fluffy and your turtwig should be Twiggy! Why are you being so illogical?" I was getting annoyed again. Why couldn't she be normal?

"I don't think it's a good name, either", said Mari, "I think you should name him 'Twigson the Knight of Elvenwoods'. That would be a name that would make people respect him."

"You really think so, Mari?" mom asked and looked at Lilian.

"I think 'Twigson the Knight of Elvenwoods' sounds very honorable", Lilian said and smiled, "But I think Twiggy would be a great nickname."

"For crying out loud, am I the only normal person here?" I moaned and started eating my now lukewarm food again.

"I think it's stupid, too, but the sentret seems to be fine with it", mumbled Blanca from behind me. I sighed and concentrated solely on eating. Food was the only reasonable thing in my world anymore. I sat there, listening to Mari and Lilian praising my mom about her first catch, now named Twiggy.

"He's really cute but still very respectable pokémon", Mari told mom and Twiggy, "Unlike some 10-year-old males I know, who aren't cute nor honorable, since they don't even have a first catch yet..."

Mari's comment opened my eyes. I had wished for a rival to appear. I had hoped it would be a boy, a couple of years older than me, a really cool-looking guy with tough pokémon and a friendly attitude. It would've been nice to compete against someone like that. You know, losing wouldn't have been such a bad thing but winning would've been someting simply awesome. I should've known I would never meet a boy like that. It was me I was talking about, after all, me and my insanely bad luck.

It was at that time that I realized the awful destiny that had befallen me: my rival was my mother.
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  #13    
Old October 22nd, 2008, 02:26 PM
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Buoysel
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Incredibly hilarious at times. Great story, differently will read more.

I did spot a few things that jumped out at me:

Quote:
And she was ruining it pretty bad.
This would be better if you cut out pretty bad.

Quote:
eleven persons.
The plural form of person is people, so it should be eleven people.

Quote:
like to travel with me and Jack?" ask
since the adult is talking, I think she would use proper English.

When speaking you always put your self last. This sentence should be " would you like to travel with Jack and I?"
Exceptions can be made in speech, if the person doesn't speak proper English, such as a small child, or someone who is just learning to speak English.


Quote:
we answered simultaneously with Mari.
Again, you can stop after simultaneously.
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  #14    
Old November 10th, 2008, 05:32 PM
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Finally got around to reading this. Sorry about that.

Additionally, yes, this is only for the first two chapters. I will eventually catch up with the others.

Quote:
Originally Posted by An-chan View Post
The sun shone brightly, but not blindingly and all the bird pokémon sang with their very clear yet not too loud voices.
Okay, you say you have trouble with commas, so I'll teach you the period trick. When you write a conjunction (and, but, or, nor, for, yet, so), put a period in its place, then read the sentences you have left. If both stand on their own, you need a comma because you're trying to form a compound. If not, then leave off a comma (unless there's at least two items in a list just before it). This is actually a perfect time to try it. Notice how where you have a comma right now, you can't form two complete sentences. However, if you move the comma three words to the right, you can because that's where the compound begins.

Because you do this more than once and because I know you're a smart cookie, I'm going the lazy route and assuming you can get the idea if I only told you this trick once. If you need further clarification, just ask.

Quote:
There were a couple of clouds on the sky
In English, if something appears overhead, we say "in the sky" because to us, whatever object is above us is a part of the expanse that is the sky. On implies that there's a place above the sky, and little things sit on it. Unfortunately, that's not exactly possible.

Quote:
Ever since my 10th birthday
If an introduction clause is four or more words in length, you need to put a comma at the end of it so the reader can tell where it ends. Otherwise, we start to forget we're reading an introduction clause.

Quote:
I dressed up and ran downstrairs.
Be careful with spelling. There's online spell checkers that you can run your story through without fiddling around with settings on your word processor (such as SpellCheck.net, so I'd suggest giving one a whirl.

That said, downstairs.

Quote:
Now she had no trainer
To continue from my mentioning of the four-word-introduction rule, if you have an introductory word, you also put a comma after it.

I'll provide a guide at the end of this to make things a bit easier to understand.

Quote:
with mom
If you can replace words like "mom" and "dad" with a character's name, then you capitalize. For example, if the narrator's mom is named Sherry, you can say "with Sherry" in this case. Hence, you capitalize the word "Mom" because to the narrator, it's being used as her name.

Quote:
I never knew him, I was so small when he died, and my mom never talked about him, so I didn't know an awful lot of him.
This is actually a run-on. You can tell by replacing the commas with periods to form individual sentences. (The period trick works if you replaced commas as well.) Hence, you'll want to separate this out.

Quote:
"Oh, Jack, you're awake",
The comma always goes inside the quotation marks for dialogue. It serves as the ending mark of punctuation for the sentence in the quote.

Quote:
"Of course I am, don't you know what day today is",
Again, a run-on. Note that you can put a period between "am" and "don't" to form two separate sentences.

Also, this is a question, so it needs to be punctuated as one, even if it's a quote.

Quote:
"Sure I do", mom said and put the plates on the table,
Aside from my note about capitals and commas going inside the quotation marks, there's also a rule about commas at the end of dialogue tags. As in, unless the tag is associated with a quote after it (as in, it's not already tied to a quote before the tag) or it comes in the middle of a sentence, you put a period at the end of the tag. The reason why is because the punctuation at the end represents the end mark. If you removed the quotation marks and the dialogue tag, you'd end up with a run-on. Basically, this is what I mean:

Leaving It As-Is
Sure I do, we're leaving to be pokémon trainers today.

See how it forms a run-on? You don't really want that.

To clarify what I mean above, these are the possible ways to punctuate a dialogue tag with commas or periods:

Mom said, "Sure I do. We're leaving to be pokémon trainers today."

"Sure I do. We're leaving to be pokémon trainers today," Mom said.

"Sure I do. We're leaving," Mom said, "to be pokémon trainers today."
(Note how the tag in this case comes in the middle of a sentence.)

"Sure I do," Mom said. "We're leaving to be pokémon trainers today."
(Note how it comes between two sentences.)

On that note, concerning the use of "and" in the dialogue tag, it would be better to use the word "as" or "while." The reason why is because you want the primary action here to be the word "said." It's a dialogue tag, so what she's mostly doing here is speaking. Anything else should really be tagged as an action she takes while she speaks.

Quote:
Then, I realized.
It would be better to say "what she said" or something along those lines at the end of this sentence. Realized really isn't a standalone verb. You usually want to say what the person realized.

Quote:
This was not how things are supposed to go!
This should really be the start of a new paragraph. The first reason why is because you're breaking into a new subject (his thoughts instead of what he says). The second reason is this:

Quote:
'You'll starve to death, I'll come with you."
First off, quotation marks around it (because it's a quote), and it's a run-on.

Second, the reason why I say this is the other reason is because it's not Jack's quote. Instead, it's his mother's, so to avoid confusing the reader, you should create a new paragraph right after Jack's stammering.

Also, yes, you'll want to spell check via an English spell checker.

Quote:
She must be joking, I thought and started to eat so I wouldn't be late.
This should be in its own paragraph. The reason why is because it's treated like a piece of dialogue because the character is saying it in his mind.

Quote:
a 19-year-old,
Nineteen-year-old. Even in ages, you'll want to write out numbers.

Quote:
Originally Posted by An-chan View Post
I stood in the line in front of Professor LeBlanc's
Professor is actually his title. It's like saying "Mr." or "Mrs." Because of that, you actually capitalize it as part of his name.

Quote:
lab with about twenty other kinds my age,
Do you mean "kids" here?

Quote:
Everyone was chatting
It's a bit weird, but the word "everyone" is actually singular, not plural. You'll want the verb to agree in that case. (Pronouns too, although you can get away with using "their" as a genderless pronoun. It's technically not correct – the more accurate pronoun being the male forms – but it's what most people tend to do.)

Also, in general, yeah, I'd find a good English spell checker on the web. There's a lot of odd words after this point, such as "choises" (as opposed to "choices") and "grat" ("great").

Quote:
Now, I really didn't have any problems with my mother before.
Before what?

(Before is a preposition, so there really should be something after it to define what it's referring to.)

Quote:
She is a friendly person
Be very careful with tense. You should be using the past tense throughout this work, not the present. The reason why is not only for the sake of consistency but also to avoid implying that over the course of this work (the rest of which uses past tense), your characters never change. You'll want to avoid the latter because no change means you've got a static character, and static characters tend to kill a written work.

Quote:
And she was ruining it pretty bad.
Although I suppose it could be considered a character tic, bad is an adjective, not an adverb. In this case, you'll want badly.

Quote:
red clother under his lab coat.
Do you mean clothes here?

Quote:
"All right, everyone",
Comma inside the quotation mark.

Quote:
with his mere presence, "Before I start giving out your starter Pokémon,
Right about here, you'll want to ask yourself what it is you want those commas to do. Leave off the dialogue tag and take a look at what you've written. If you're trying to start a new sentence within his speech, replace the comma before the word "before" with a period, even if it's in the tag. If you're not starting a new sentence, don't capitalize the word "before."

Quote:
from Sinnoh region.
From the Sinnoh region. (If the word "region" is part of the name of the place, then you would capitalize that as well.)

Quote:
for at least eleven persons.
People is the proper plural for "person."

Quote:
what might that announcement of yours meant,
Mean. "Meant" is a past-tense verb, and even then, it's only used with the word "have" in front of it.

Also, like the title "Professor," "Mrs." is capitalized as part of her name.

Quote:
LeBlanc laughed,
"Laughed" is not actually a verb that indicates speech, so this really doesn't serve as a dialogue tag. As in, periods go around it, not commas.

Quote:
All those children had played with me at once,
At one time. The phrase "at once" means "immediately," so you're implying that everyone suddenly broke out of line and started playing with him.

Quote:
There was Mari, who had been my friend since we were babies, there was Paul, my very best friend, there was Lilian, this really cute and shy girl... I could keep going forever...
I would recommend replacing every other comma (the one after the phrases that begin with "who") with semicolons. The reason why is because you want to group together items that contain commas. As in, right now, you're saying that Mari and the person who had been Jack's friend since they were babies are two different people.

Quote:
Even my mom could sense something was out of normal, as looked startled.
I think you mean here "something was not normal, as she looked startled." It's not possible to be out of normal because normal isn't a place. Likewise, yes, you'll need the subject to make it clear who looked startled.

Quote:
She should not have looked startled, she should have been absolutely horrendously terrified like I was.
Run-on. I would suggest a semicolon instead of a comma there, if not a period. Notice how you have two separate sentences if you put a period in there?

Also, concerning the shouting match after this point, even if it's happening simultaneously, you'll want to separate everything as if each one is its own paragraph. Dialogue rules still apply.

Quote:
"Piplup as the best moves!"
Has the best moves.

Quote:
"Noob!"
Do people actually use this term in real life?

Quote:
then leaded us inside his lab
The past-tense of the verb "to lead" is "led." It's an irregular verb, so it'll take some time to remember that.

Quote:
but they're ultra super mega rare.
That doesn't quite seem like something that a professor would say. It sounds more like something an adult would say to a very young child. I suppose it's appropriate to speak that way to someone as naïve as April, but I still can't help but feel as if it's a bit patronizing or a little unprofessional for a professor to say that to a mother.

Also, wouldn't the professor know what pokémon he had, considering he'd have to have kept them for a length of time prior to giving them out?

Quote:
shiny started
Starter.


Overall, it's a fascinating story. You have a highly original concept and a strong potential for humor, and you definitely take advantage of that. I had to smile at the idea of the trainer's mother – who has such an interesting character as someone who only casually bothers with the world of Pokémon – following a perfectly mortified new trainer on what would, without her, be a completely typical new trainer journey. You even allow the story to be self-referential, what with the part about Jack forming a strategy to get the starter he actually wanted being a nod to the stereotypes for trainer fics. To put it simply, you want this to be a satire, and as far as I'm concerned, so far, you've pulled it off.

However, grammatically, I can't stress this enough. Go get a beta fluent with the English language. There's a number errors that made me flinch (not all of which I pointed out), and some of these errors actually changed the meaning of a sentence (like the part I brought up earlier about the difference between "at once" and "at one time"). Getting a beta who's fluent in English should help you straighten out the oddities of this language.

In the meantime, OWL at Purdue should explain comma usages to you, commas being the mark of punctuation you seem to be struggling the most with. I would recommend looking over OWL in general to help you out. There's a lot of worksheets on that site that should explain the basics of English grammar in plain and simple language to make it easy for people who might have been thrown off by English classes to understand.

That aside, I enjoyed this work, and I wish you luck with future chapters. Because of the unique storyline, I think I'll keep up with it.
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  #15    
Old November 10th, 2008, 07:19 PM
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I stink at giving good reviews, but.....I love the ironic twist in this story!! The way you made Jack's mom be his rival/travel companion is brilliant!!
The humor is pretty good too. I'm still laughing at that "Noob!!" comment in the first chapter. :D
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  #16    
Old November 10th, 2008, 08:25 PM
Azzurra
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This story is different, but is also quite good.
The mom being the rival ruins it kind of though, but if you add a secondary rival, I'm sure it would work out.

Also, I can't find any spelling/grammar mistakes. Good job.
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  #17    
Old November 11th, 2008, 12:54 PM
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An-chan
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AAAAAH~
Thank you very, very much, Jaxanthine (I can't decide which name to use, so I use the hardest possible thing to write. Go me.)!

I just have to comment to this. For those of you who are fed up at the fact I'm completely slacking off here, I assure you that the next chapter is ready to just as soon as soemone wants to proofread it. It'll be up any time now, folks. Any time now.

(Quotes: Xanthine)
Quote:
Because you do this more than once and because I know you're a smart cookie, I'm going the lazy route and assuming you can get the idea if I only told you this trick once. If you need further clarification, just ask.
I have problems with commas mostly because in Finnish, you need a comma before every but and who and so on. Since I was seven years old, I've been brainwashed into using the comma rules we use here. So, it'll take me a million years to adjust to two so similar yet so different sets of rules. I'll try, though!

Oh, and thanks for the "smart cookie" part. I like cookies.
I think I just proved the smart-part wrong...

Quote:
Professor is actually his title. It's like saying "Mr." or "Mrs." Because of that, you actually capitalize it as part of his name.
I know that, and I still make the same damn mistake every time... That goes also to the "in/on the sky"-part and also many, many other mistakes. Such as the "commas inside quotation marks" issue. It just looks so wrong to my brainwashed eye! You'll need to give me electric shocks to get me out of that one - but please, do it only after I've graduated from high school.

Most of the mistakes were stupid things I thought I had fixed - which means there have been several of them to begin with. Yay.

Quote:
Do people actually use this term (noob) in real life?
Not that I know, but the big idea was to make fun of the portion of internet people who like to have flame wars about things such as "which is the best starter Pokémon". It was supposed to be funny. It was funny, right? Wasn't it?

(Quote: Trap-Eds)
Quote:
I'm still laughing at that "Noob!!" comment in the first chapter.
It was funny! Told ya! Thanks, Trap-Eds!

(Quote: Blazefire)
Quote:
The mom being the rival ruins it kind of though, but if you add a secondary rival, I'm sure it would work out.
Sorry, pal. There's not going to be a secondary rival. To tell you the truth, this will not be an OT fic, so there will also not be a final showdown Pokémon League Ultra Master's Cup battle between to rivals. This story has a more original plot. But, well, you can think of Mari as his rival, too. The two share a rather competitive relationship, but I think Jack is more willing to give up against Mari than he is to his mom.

I'm not going to spoil anything.

There will be a next chapter soon enough. Thank you all tremendously for your criticism and all that praise. I'll finish this fic, that I promise you. I'll be back soon with the next chapter: Mysteries of the Past.
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  #18    
Old November 11th, 2008, 02:45 PM
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BigfootTheUnbeatable
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This story is awesome and so hilarious. I have to say that Jack's mother being his rival is one of the funniest and most interesting twists I've ever read in a fanfiction. There's so many ways you could go from here so I'm excited to read the next chapter. There have been a few mistakes that I'm not going to point out though because
a) They're very minor or
b) Someone has already pointed them out.

Even though there hasn't really been a huge exciting battle and Jack hasn't even caught his first pokemon yet, you keep the reader involved because your story is so different and your satire humor is so well written. I can't find a single cliche, and if there is one then it's being lampooned. All the characters are well written and hilarious and I look forward to seeing how everything plays out.

Best wishes and looking forward to chapter 4!

(Also, I LOVE Blanca. Dunno why.....) :D
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  #19    
Old November 15th, 2008, 04:52 PM
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Great story. It is very interesting that the mom goes with the trainer. If I were 10 and going on a journey my mom would most likely follow me like it or not.
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  #20    
Old November 23rd, 2008, 11:12 AM
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I'm posting this unbeta'd, because no-one really had time to beta it. I tried to be as careful as I could with my proofreading, though, so I hope that there aren't too darn many mistakes there. All right, enjoy.



Chapter 4 - Mysteries of the Past


Mom looked very troubled when we started walking again the next day. She had been all normal and happy when she made breakfast, but after eating she started to get weird. Now she didn't say anything, she just walked on with a sad and thoughtful look on her face. She was even biting her lip and she only did that when she was seriously nervous. This was so insanely wrong! No normal ten-year-olds had to worry about their mothers while they were on the quest of becoming the greatest trainers ever. I already had the pressure of beating hundreds and hundreds of awesome trainers and catching decent pokémon.

"Mom," I whispered to her, "Are you alright?"

"Of course, pumpkin, why do you ask?" she answered, forcing a smile. Sometimes grown-ups seem to think their kids are pretty stupid...

"Don't think I'm an idiot just because I'm ten," I muttered to her. "You seem troubled, you're even biting your lip. What is it, Mom?"

***

"Raymond," told a childhood friend in the funeral, "was an extraordinary man."

April had never seen this man before and yet he seemed to know a lot about Raymond. It was interesting to hear so many things Raymond had never told April about. It would have been a lot more fun if he had been still alive.

"He was an outdoor man, and yet he wasn't," continued the childhood friend after a brief pause. "He'd be outside playing by himself all mornings and late evenings, but when we asked him out to play with us, he wouldn't come. He liked to be with us, but only if we played inside. I never really fully understood him, but that sure doesn't stop me from respecting him. He was a scientist even when he was too young to read or write. He'd pretend to read these enormous books - and we other kids really thought he knew how to read!"

Everyone laughed. April smiled with everyone. That sounded like Raymond all right. She was, however, a bit too worried to be laughing at these stories. Mari and Jack were sleeping at home, as they would not have enjoyed the funeral the way adults did. They had had their share of cakes and cookies but April had taken them home before the speeches. She was worried about the children, even though Reinard Emids, their good-willed but panicky neighbour and his nine-year-old son Adan were watching over them. She was scared because of a letter she had received.

A bit over a week after Raymond and Kotoko had died, she had received a strange letter.

"Dear Mrs. Killigan,

we're sorry to disturb you at a time like this, but this is important. We know why Raymond Killigan died, and it was partly our fault. We tried to protect him but we weren't good enough, and that's why we blame ourselves. This was because of his research. It was important for us and for many people, but a certain organization wanted the results for their exclusive use. If there are any records of Professor Killigan's studies in your posession, destroy them or keep them under absolute protection. Don't let those records go missing or the knowledge you posess them get spreaded. You are in danger if that organization finds out you are involved.

Also, keep your son, Jack Killigan, safe. He is danger, too, and we would suspect even more so than you are. At this time it is too dangerous to tell you more. This organization we're talking about doesn't have permanent personel in Parcel Town, but it does have some staff in practically every other city, so please don't move to a bigger city. We're trying to keep you safe, but nothing can guarantee we succeed. We are outnumbered.

We will contact you again."

April Killigan had no reasons to not believe the letter wasn't reliable. She knew something of Raymond's current research, so she even had a hunch on who had sent the letter. She had gathered all the papers concerning her husbands work and hid them in a safe place. She was still scared.

In the same envelope as the letter had been in there was another slip of paper. It was written by Raymond himself - there was no doubt about that - with his favourite pen on the rabbit stationery Jack had insisted on buying him as a birthday present. The words written were Raymond's last words for his family:

"Keep Jack safe."


***

"Mom?" I asked again. She seemed to be deep in thought. She looked at me with so gentle eyes it nearly scared me to death.

"I was thinking about your father," Mom told me and smiled. "Did you know his last words were 'Keep Jack safe'?"

"Mom, I..." I paused. There was a Pokémon on the road. She glared at us, clearly trying to challenge someone to fight her. Moreover, she was a shinx. She was cute yet convincing, and the will to fight just beamed from her.

"This one's mine." I said with a tone that didn't leave much to disagree with. Everyone stepped back and I took out Piyon's pokéball. The shinx smirked at me and took a stand-by pose. I threw the ball and the battle began.

"Now, I know you're at a bit of a disadvantage," I told Piyon but he didn't seem to mind. He grinned like mad and glared back at the shinx. This would propably become one feisty and long fight, I thought to myself and took a cool pose.

How wrong I was.

After watching so many battle shows from TV, I had completely forgotten that all pokémon start out low-leveled. Of course Piyon didn't know how to use cool and awesome moves like Hydro Pump or Bubblebeam, he only knew how to pound on other pokémon and growl at them in the most unconvincing way. And this shinx, well, she wasn't much better: she knew only how to tackle and leer at Piyon. I have to admit that her leering was a lot more intimidating than Piyon's pathetic growls. However, as the shinx didn't know any electric type moves, we weren't at a disadvantage after all.

It was a totally worthless fight. After five minutes of pounding and tackling in one way or another, I wasn't so sure I wanted that shinx anymore. It was her attitude that convinced me into catching her anyway. I threw a pokéball at her, as she seemed pretty exhausted to me. The ball sucked her in and laid there wobbling about. Just as I was about to start my victory dance, she popped back out again and glared at me, her eyes saying "I'm not that easy of a catch".

"I see," I told her, sprayed some potion on Piyon and sent him back fighting again. "Let's see how long you can take this. Pound away, Piyon!"

The following five minutes were full of tackles and pounds and pathetic leers and growls until both of the pokémon were completely out of breath and worn out. I threw another ball at the shinx, now starting to get convinced that she was worth as many pokéballs as I had to throw. I didn't have to throw more than those two, however, as I caught her with the second ball.

"Oh yeah!" I yelled and ran to the ball to let the poor shinx out to be cured. She was still glaring at me, but now she had a lot of respect in her eyes.

"Way to go, Charlie," Mari praised me. "Now you've got to give her a name. How about 'Sparkly Thundertail'?"

"No way," I laughed. "I only give good and sensible names to my pokémon. Her name will be Shin. Is that all right with you?" I pointed my question at the shinx in front of me.

She nodded, so Shin she was. For some reason, Blanca grinned. She murmured something, but I couldn't hear what it was. She sounded very content, though.

***

The brown-eyed man held his newborn son gently in his tan-coloured hands. He had a deeply moved expression on his face, but his messy reddish hair hid his eyes from April. He was smiling, though, and it was a smile so happy and dazzling that the whole world probably saw it.

"What if we'd name him Phineas?" April asked her husband, lying on her bed. Raymond looked up from the face of his son and frowned at April.

"I only give sensible names to my children," he told his wife and gently stroked the baby's cheek with his finger. "His name should be Jack or Ralph or something short and simple like that."

"Jack Killigan sounds pretty good, don't you think?" April laughed.

"Jack it is, then," Raymond confirmed, smiling. "And when we get a girl, we should name her May. You know, with you being April and all."

"People would think that's a bad joke," April noted and chuckled. "Besides, who said we're getting more children in the first place?"

"We have to!" Raymond said with a serious look in his dark brown eyes. "I've just gotten the best job on the face of this planet. I get to study the genes of legendary pokémon and their effect to the DNA of normal pokémon. Those samples are hard to get, you know? Maybe we can even start making, say, pidgeys that can travel in time! I want as many kids in this world as possible to be able to proudly say that Raymond Killigan, the famous professor, was their father."

"Jack won't have to say it out loud," April said and stood up. "He's like a living image of you."

The couple then took their new son to another room in the same hospital, where Kotoko Itaka, a family friend and Raymond's assistant, was staying with her now two months old daughter Mari.


***

Just before it was time for the sun to set, we arrived at the suburbs of New Viridian City. It was the first time I was in a town or city that wasn't Parcel Town. It seemed to be the first time for Mari, too, as she was just as enthusiastic as I was. Mom had to force us to camp outside the city for the night - to save money - as we would have wanted to go and look for important places like the gym, Pokémon Center, Pokémart, the birthplace of the champion Lauranna and a certain restaurant, famous for its enormous ice cream servings.

It would all have to wait for tomorrow. If Mom weren't with us, we could have dashed right in. That was precisely why moms shouldn't be allowed to participate on beginning trainer's journey. Luckily she promised to buy us ice cream from that restaurant. We didn't tell her the servings were largest in this region. It would be a nice suprise for her tomorrow. We kids needed some priviledges, too, and what would they be if not fooling Mom?

***

"You don't believe what happened today!" Raymond shouted before he had even closed the door behind him. He had worked with his new project, the study of genes of legendary pokémon, for about a month now, and he was really excited every day when he came from work.

"That's make this your lucky day," April smiled from the kitchen. She was breastfeeding Jack now that she had finished making dinner. "I made carrot soup for dinner. Isn't that you favourite?"

"Apparently this will be a day I'll remember until I die," Raymond said after dashing into kitchen and noisily running into a bookshelf and an armchair while doing so. "This time, you really can't guess what happened in work."

"You found a legendary gene from a Pidgey?" April asked while standing up to put Jack to sleep. Jack was an easy baby, he practically only slept and ate and only rarely cried because of something else than a wet diaper.

"Something even more exciting," Raymond said, took a plate from the cupboard and sat down. "Mew came to meet us today."

"You must mean you saw a mew today," April corrected her husband with an amused look on her face.

"No, I really mean it, April! Besides, there's only one Mew," Raymond said and looked at his wife with the most serious expression he could ever make. "And what I'm saying is that Mew came to meet us today."
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  #21    
Old November 23rd, 2008, 12:31 PM
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Jaydin Knight
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Hm, good work. I can totally sympathize with Jack - Friday, my mom tried to come with me and my friends to see the movie Twilight, because one of my friends couldn't come and we had a leftover ticket. Luckily, I managed to um....'convince' her to go home. Ended up getting sick, too, stupid swirling bright colors...-grumbles-

Anyway, like it's been said before, there's still some grammar mistakes, although it's a lot better than your previous chapters.

Quote:
Mom looked very troubled when we started walking again the next day.
This (and your descriptions of April afterward) are kinda odd. If Jack's so angry at April, he probably wouldn't notice so much detail. Maybe that she was upset, but it probably wouldn't bother him very much.

Quote:
"Mom," I whispered to her, "Are you alright?"
The period should be a comma because the first quotation is part of the second. Er...I'm not sure if I'm making much sense, but the full sentence is 'Mom, are you alright?' so the period can't be there. Also, instead of 'all right', you use 'alright'.

Quote:
"Raymond was an extraordinary man." told a childhood friend in the funeral.
This just reads out wrong. Also, because the childhood friend doesn't say anything right after, it should be a period instead of a comma. So, my suggestion for revision:

Quote:
"Raymond," a childhood friend of Raymond's announced at the funeral, "Was an extraordinary man."
Quote:
He was a scientist even when he was too young to read or write. He'd pretend to read these enormous books - and we other kids really thought he knew how to read!
There's only one grammar mistake and that's that instead of a comma, it should be a dash. However, it's not very...true. Most kids learn to read at four, five or six. Unless you mean he was trying to read books way above his reading level or something...

Quote:
"This one's mine."
It's a declarative period, so no comma.

Quote:
"I only give sensible names to my children," he told his wife and gently stroked the baby's cheek with his finger.
Just a typo, I'm guessing.

Quote:
Just before it was time for the sun to set, we arrived at the suburbs of New Viridian City.
I should remember the reasoning for this comma - my LA teacher explained it last week - but I can't remember. I believe it has something to do with-

Oh! Er, right. Um, 'Just before it was time for the sun to set' is a dependant clause and needs to be connected with the independant clause, which, in this case, is 'we arrived at the suburbs of New Viridian City'. The comma signifies this.

Um, I think that's all. But then again, I have a major headache and I've been throwing up all day and yesterday, so what do I know? Hope that helps. Good work.
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  #22    
Old November 23rd, 2008, 01:32 PM
An-chan's Avatar
An-chan
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Thanks for the corrections!

Quote:
This (and your descriptions of April afterward) are kinda odd. If Jack's so angry at April, he probably wouldn't notice so much detail. Maybe that she was upset, but it probably wouldn't bother him very much.
At this point, he isn't angry anymore. He has accepted his fate, so to say, and he has also noticed that it's convenient to have a cook with them on a trainer journey. He might be remotely pissed and slightly depressed, but after all, he is ten and ten-year-olds have easily changeable emotions. Right? I should know, it hasn't been such a long tme since my brother was ten...

Quote:
However, it's not very...true. Most kids learn to read at four, five or six. Unless you mean he was trying to read books way above his reading level or something...
But I didn't tell how old Raymond was So it's all right! I mean, he could very well be five years old in this scene and thus still illiterate. But, well, the thing I was going for was indeed that he was reading something way above his level. I can imagine little red-haired Raymond sitting in a big chair and holding some huge book about physics upside down...

Quote:
Um, I think that's all. But then again, I have a major headache and I've been throwing up all day and yesterday, so what do I know? Hope that helps. Good work.
Thanks, it helped! And try to get well soon, okay? ^-^'' And thanks for liking my fic xD Seriously, thank you!

Wait, why has a post been deleted from this thread? What was in that post? Did someone flame me without me noticing it? Huh? Boy, am I confused now... ó.ò
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  #23    
Old December 18th, 2008, 08:26 PM
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This needs a bump-up before it's too late, I really want to see the next chapter of this, like ALL of your fics.
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  #24    
Old January 4th, 2009, 02:13 PM
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An-chan
Whoops.
 
Join Date: Jul 2008
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Age: 23
After so special request, what can I do but to post the next chapter? <3
So, here we go, Chapter 5! In this chapter, the plot thickens, as they say...
This is again unbeta'd, because I just can't find myself a beta, but I hope it doesn't have too much to complain about. However, feel free to complain all you want!


Chapter 5 - Lilian Burroughs


I woke up really early the following morning. The sun had just only begun to climb up on the sky when I sat down at the edge of the forest. The slope before me, covered with nice big houses and their spacious yards, descended gently to the city that was already waking up. The sunrise was beautiful, the weather was comfortably cool and refreshing and I was hugely excited about getting to New Viridian City. I bathed in the morning sun and felt happier than ever before. I didn't mind Mom following me on my journey anymore. Nobody could ruin the fantastic feeling of being on one's first adventure.

I saw a pair of ditto crossing the yard of one of the houses fairly close to me. I didn't feel like catching them: I thought it was far more interesting to see what they were doing. I watched how they transformed themselves into garbage men and took the trashcan from the backyard of one of the houses and hid it behind the bushes. When they thought nobody could see them, they poured all the trash on the ground, transformed back to their pink, gooey selves and started to find something to eat from the pile of garbage.

"Aren't you up early," Lilian said from behind me. I gasped and turned around. She smiled at me.

"What were you watching?" she asked, shading her eyes with her hand, and stared at the city.

"Those two ditto. Can you see them?" I pointed my finger at the pink creatures. Lilian squinted and tried to look at the direction I was pointing to.

"Aren't you going to catch them? I hear ditto are pretty rare" she said to me. Her facial expression told me that she saw neither of the ditto.

"No. I think it's more interesting to see what they'll do," I answered and watched how the pair of ditto made a small victory dance. Apparently they had found something delicious. Lilian giggled faintly and turned away, back to our camp.

"I once knew someone like you," she said, sounding rather sad. With that, she walked away. When I looked after her, I saw that Mom had already got up and was making breakfast. Of course she'd make it herself on a lousy campfire. We were ten steps away from a restaurant but she was way too mingy to pay for food if she could do it herself.

"Mom, we should go into a restaurant! It's not that expensive!" I shouted while standing up.

"Oh, so you're a rich man now, huh?" she answered with her most annoying tone.

"Can't we spend a little money sometimes? Come on, it's a great morning, I'm sure you'd rather do something else than cook! Let's eat something good in some nice restaurant," I tried to convince her. I really didn't care for any more porridge or whatever she wanted to make this time. Ten years of porridge makes people grow tired of that grey, lumpy goo. We didn't even have any jam to put in it.

***

Raymond stopped suddently. Jack, now one and a half years old, peeked over his shoulder. He was riding on his father's back and having a blast but now it seemed that Raymond had some other plans. April stopped a few steps further than her husband and turned around.

"What is it?" she asked with minor irritation in her voice. She knew Raymond and him stopping could mean only two things: either he hurt his leg or he had had one of his big ideas again. Frankly, she believed it was the latter.

"I'm hungry. Let's go to a restaurant," Raymond said and grinned. He had noticed a small neigbourhood restaurant. He had made this discovery more with his nose than his eyes.

"A restaurant? But our home's not that far away!" April answered in disbelief.

"What is it?" asked Jack. His father whispered something to his ear and April could see how his little face lit up with excitement.

"I want to go!" Jack announced to his mother. She sighed.

"So, you're a rich man now?" she asked Raymond angrily.

"Can't we spend a little money sometimes? Come on, Jack hasn't been to a restaurant even once and he's almost a grown-up already! Besides, I'm sure you'd rather do something else than cook," Raymond tried to convince his wife with the help of Jack's occasional "yeah"s from his back. April looked at the two pairs of brown eyes that looked at her pleadingly from two tanned faces surrounded by reddish brown hair. Jack really was Raymond's son. The only thing he seemed to have inherited from his mother was the shape of his eyes. April Sighed again.

"Oh, what the heck. Let's go," she said and smiled.


***

"It almost feels like he's alive again," Mom mumbled when I got closer. She was probably thinking about dad again. It was funny how she seemed to think about him so often yet she never really talked about him to me. I knew practically nothing of my dad.

"Are we going or not," I asked her impatiently. She gave me an arrogant look.

"No, we're not," she said with a tone that implied it would be her last word. I sighed and turned back to the city.

"Let's eat fast, then," I muttered and went back to the slope to see if the ditto were still eating. They weren't.

It took Mom one immensily long hour to finish cooking, eat and pack her things. After she was ready, we could finally descend to New Viridian City and face the Gym Leader there. I wasn't sure who the Gym Leader was, I only knew the type of New Viridian's gym had always been fire. That meant I would have the advantage in my battle, so I'd win the badge for sure. Mom, however, would be at disadvantage and I was sure she wouldn't win with only one try. For once, I could beat my rival even if I had the worst luck ever.

There were signs around the city to guide people to the New Viridian Gym so we had no problem finding the large, red dome at the center of the city. The orange, flame-patterned door slid open in front of us when we entered the building. There were multiple training rooms with skilled trainers to test people who come to challenge the Gym Leader but we decided to go straight to the main battle hall. Man, was that hall huge! It had a full-size battle field with proper markings, two stands at each end for trainers and lots of places where audience could sit if there was a bigger fight or a tournament. Soon after we entered the room, a familiar-looking girl appeared on a balcony at the other end of the hall.

"Who are you?" she asked us, speaking to a microphone so we could hear her. Her voice echoed in the hall and made me feel very privileged for being able to fight in a place like that.

"I'm Jack Killigan and I'm with April Killigan, Mari Itaka and Lilian Burroughs. We're here to challenge the Gym Leader!" I shouted as loud as I ever could.

"Oh, great," said the blonde girl on the balcony. "Not again."

When her bubble gum popped, I recognized her. She was Gisella, the younger sister of the Champion Lauranna. I didn't want to believe it at first, but as her balcony ascended and she walked closer, there was no mistaking it. Her blonde hair, tan skin and her signature outfit - the shortest purple skirt ever made with a black, skin-tight shirt - gave no room for doubt. She was Gisella, as annoying as ever. How could she be a Gym Leader?

"Which one of you kids wants to go first?" she asked when she had climbed to her battle stand. Her bubble gum popped and the sound echoed in the hall. Suddently the echo didn't make me feel so big anymore. It made me feel like I should run away, give up my pokémon and sign up to be a sailor.

"I will go," said my Mom before anyone else said anything. She had won her every fight this far, and there had been almost five of them on the way here, so she was really confident about her skills.

"Oh, wow, you're not a kid! This'll be exciting!" Gisella cheered up after seeing Mom on the stand. "Right then. I now declare this gym battle has begun or something. Choose your pokémon, challenger. I choose Cyndaquil!"

She threw her pokéball and the said pokémon appeared. I started to get really excited despite the fact it was my Mom facing off against Gisella.

"Go, Fluffy!" yelled my Mom and threw her ball as well. I enjoyed seeing the suprised look on Gisella's face when she saw the shiny turtwig. Fluffy was as arrogant as ever, making faces at the cyndaquil and completely ignoring the fact he was the one at disadvantage.

"You named your turtwig Fluffy?" asked Gisella in even greater disbelief. "You must be from the coutryside or something."

"Fluffy! Use tackle!" Mom said and tried to act as cool as the trainers on television. She leaned to the handrail of her stand with her other hand and pretended to concentrate on the fingernails of the other. From the corner of my eye, I could see Blanca shaking her head with shame.

"Cyndaquil, some heat, please," commanded Gisella and her bubble gum went "pop" again. Cyndaquil spewed out a fire ball that hit Fluffy. He rolled backwards, stopped and didn't get up. He just laid there and trembled slightly. He was out and it had been only the first attack. Again, my mother had done the most unexpected thing. Well, of course she still had her sentret Twiggy, but he wouldn't stand much chances either. Blanca surely wouldn't fight in a stupid fight like this, so she wasn't of any help either.

To my suprise, however, Mom didn't even sent Twiggy out. She gave up, just like that, so that Fluffy wouldn't have to suffer too long. A nurse appeared from the door and lifted Fluffy on a stretcher. Apparently there was always a nurse from the Pokémon Center to be on call if something happened during the gym battle. Mom climbed down from her stand and went with the nurse.

"Mom, where are you going?" I asked her. It was obvious she was going to follow Fluffy to the Pokémon Center, so the main point of my question was to make her think why she was going.

"I'm going with Fluffy," she answered impatiently. "You can do by yourself for a little while, can't you?"

"But don't you want to see my gym battle?" I was desperate. I couldn't believe my mother followed me when I didn't need her and abandoned me when I wanted her to be there for me.

"Fluffy is more important now," she told me angrily. "I'll see your next fight, I promise."

With that, she left. The door closed behind the nurse and Mom and she was gone. I turned towards Gisella who was watching the scene from her stand. She was clearly amused. She looked at me like she was all high and mighty and made another bubble of her gum.

"You're a total mama's boy, huh?" she asked me when her bubble had popped.

"Don't make me mad," I warned her. "I'm going to be the next one to fight you!"

She answered me with clear, amused laughter. She underestimated me and that made me mad. I was ready to climb to the stand any second now when Lilian interrupted my train of thought.

"I'll battle you next, if that's fine with Jack," she said and snapped her fingers so that her absol, Emma, came to her from the door she had been watching. "Maybe Mrs. Killigan manages to come back early enough to see your fight after all."

I watched her in suprise when she climbed up the stairs leading to the stand.

"Go, Emma," she said with a calm voice. Emma ran to the battle field and took a stand-by pose. She glared at the cyndaquil. Even though she was about as experienced as the cyndaquil must have been, she looked very mature and convincing. Her red, gleaming eyes stared at the poor cyndaquil who completely lost his will to fight. Gisella seemed slightly worried about the sudden turn of events. She even frogot to make bubbles out of her gum for a while. She grabbed the handrail of her stand and looked strictly at her cyndaquil.

"Use ember or something on that absol," she commanded and pointed at Emma. Cyndaquil took a deep breath but before he could spew out the fireball, Emma had already ran to him and smashed her body against his. She was a lot heavier than the small, blazing creature, so the poor cyndaquil rolled far. As he got up, Emma was already attacking again. Lilian didn't say a word and yet the absol was battling like she was following orders.

"You're cheating," Gisella screamed. "How come that absol can do stuff without you telling her? You're cheating!"

"She's just smart," Lilian said and shrugged. I looked up to her in great admiration.

The cyndaquil tried to protect himself by rolling into a ball and letting the flames on his back grow taller. When Emma smashed him again, she got a nasty burn out of it, but he was already done for. The cyndaquil had fainted and Gisella called him back.

"Go, Ponyta!" yelled Gisella, now looking almost like a normal person. She was all pale and sweaty from being so upset and she had lost her arrogant, indifferent attitude. She threw her ball without any extra maneuvers and her ponyta appeared on the battlefield.

"Use... something! What can ponytas do, anyway?" she shouted and the confused ponyta looked up to her. "Come on, attack with some cool move!"

The ponyta seemed to think for a second before he took action. Before Emma could attack him with another quick attack, he covered himself with fire and started to run towards her. She couldn't escape the attack, as the ponyta was far too fast for her.

"Hey, you could do that?" Gisella seemed suprised at the skills of her ponyta. "That's pretty cool. Maybe I should use you more often."

Emma was left with another burn but it didn't seem to stop her. She plunged towards the ponyta with her claws expanded and landed a direct hit. The ponyta staggered sideways but before he managed to collect himself again, Emma attacked with another fast tackle.

The ponyta was down and Gisella called him back. She had now lost, so she climbed down from her stand and walked to the middle of the battle field. Lilian came to her and received her first badge. Mari and I cheered for her when she walked back to us. I couldn't believe it: she was so beautiful, so smart and even a great trainer. Was there anything not loveable about her?

"So, is it my turn now?" I asked eagerly and grabbed my both pokéballs.

"I don't see your Mom anywhere," Gisella mocked me. "Besides, I can't fight with KO'd pokémon. You have to fight my stand-in. She has the same pokémon, so don't worry. I'll go and call her."

With that, Gisella turned away from us and left. I hoped from the bottom of my heart that would be the last time I ever had to see her. We didn't have to wait for long before her stand-in appeared. She was completely different than Gisella: she had black hair and a serious look on her face, she wore a short, red dress and a red bandana and she looked like she knew what she was doing. I immediately admired her.

"I'm Sandra," she said when she had reached her stand. Her voice was almost emotionless. "I'll be fighting you now."

"Great," I told her and climbed up to my stand. I took out Piyon's ball and threw it. "Go, Piyon, let's show them!"

"Right, then," said Sandra. "Go, Cyndaquil."

The two pokémon glared at each other. For a while, the cyndaquil looked straight at me with the most menacing eyes. Suddently I felt a bit scared and not at all confident anymore. I shook of the feeling, because I had to win this fight.

"Bubble him out!" I yelled and pointed my finger at the cyndaquil. I started to feel more confident now and I was even proud of the witty command I had given. I had the advantage here so I would surely win this fight.

"Use ember," Sandra told her cyndaquil.

That was when the unexpected happened - again.

Piyon attacked his opponent with a swarm of bubbles but didn't hit. The cyndaquil, however, seemed like it never even meant to hit Piyon. Staring straight at me, he spewed out a fireball that came flying towards my head. I barely managed to escape the attack.

"What the..." I didn't have time to say anything more because the next fireball hit my arm. I yelped from the pain and looked at Sandra.

"What are you doing?" Mari yelled at the black-haired woman. Sandra didn't listen to her: instead, she commanded her cyndaquil to attack me again. Piyon spat out bubbles, trying to stop his opponent from attacking me, but even if the bubbles hit the cyndaquil, he didn't care.

Suddently he was covered in pinkish light and couldn't move anymore.

"What's this, now?" asked Sandra and frowned. She looked at Mari and Lilian and so did I. Much to my suprise, Lilian was also glowing pink light.

"Stop attacking him," she said and gave a frightening look to Sandra. "You're with the Legendary League, aren't you?"

"You know awfully much for a kid your age," Sandra said and smiled a cold smile. "Not to mention you have some extraordinary skills."

Both Mari and I looked at Lilian in great amazement. I didn't know whether I should be afraid or excited. Lilian glanced at Mari and sighed. Her glowing slowly faded and she let the cyndaquil from her grasp. The creature was scared enough not to attack me right away, so Lilian let him go. Then she looked at me.

"Are you all right?" she asked me. I nodded and closed my mouth as I noticed it had been open for quite a while now. The pink glow had suprised me pretty badly. It reminded me of something, but I couldn't quite grasp what it was. Lilian nodded back at me and then sighed again.

"We're probably better off if I reveal myself," she noted to Mari and me.

"What?" asked Mari, and spoke my thoughts out loud. Lilian started to glow a bit again and then she vanished into a pink cloud. When the could dissolved, I gasped and almost fell down from the stand. She had turned into a light pink, cat-like creature with big blue eyes and a long tail. Lilian Burroughs, as we had known her, was Mew.

"I watch over these children," she said menacingly to the black-haired woman. "I watch over them, so you better not do anything funny."

"You- you're Mew!" Sandra stuttered. She had finally lost her cool and calm attitude.

"I am, and I am with the PFFP," Lilian - or Mew - said self-righteously. Without a word, Sandra called her pokémon back, stumbled down from her stand and escaped the room as fast as she could. Blanca seemed to be grumpy about something again. Mari and I stared at Lilian for a long while. She looked at me and she looked at Mari, and then she closed her huge, azure eyes and giggled a bit. Her giggle sounded nothing like her voice, but that was probably because it was her real voice and not a psychic voice. I had noticed her mouth didn't move when she spoke to Sandra, so I also assumed Lilian's voice never was real. More than anything I was stunned about the fact I had had a crush on a pokémon.

"I don't think it was wise to tell that," Blanca muttered to Mew. She stared at Mew with her piercing, red eyes.

Mew looked at Blanca for a while with a pondering look on her eyes. She then sighed and muttered something with her real voice, but I doubt anyone heard what it was.

"I think we have a lot to talk about," she then said and turned back to Lilian. "But I suggest we wait until April is with us."

"Right," said Mari absent-mindedly and I nodded like I knew what was going on. And then, for a while more, we stared at her, our mouths open and our eyes the size of plates.
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Last edited by An-chan; February 26th, 2009 at 07:11 AM.
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Old January 5th, 2009, 12:57 PM
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solovino
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Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: behind that truck
Gender: Male
Nature: Timid
Ah... new chapter, new surprises. It's good to see the story is moving.

I'll highlight some small details I thinks deserve some attention. Remember, I'm not that sharp great yet!

Quote:
I watched how they transformed themselves into garbage men and took the trashcan from the backyard...
An interesting element. I haven't seen Ditto being portrayed in fics that much, and then having them actually using their Transform skill to feed, it's a nice touch to the story. I just felt like commenting on it.

Quote:
We were ten steps away from a restaurant but she was way too mingy to pay for food if she could do it herself.
Reminds me of my mom... maybe it does to everyone (their own moms BTW :D).

Quote:
Raymond stopped suddently. Jack, now one and a half years old, peeked over his shoulder. He was riding on his father's back and having a blast but now it seemed that Raymond had some other plans. April stopped a few steps further than her husband and turned around.

"What is it?" she asked with minor irritation in her voice. She knew Raymond and him stopping could mean only two things: either he hurt his leg or he had had one of his big ideas again. Frankly, she believed it was the latter.
I'm loving those flashback scenes. They show another face of the characters (actually, Jack's) that we don't get in the today action scenes. The "like father, like son" is done in a very evident and self-sustained manner, in that it only barely holds from the actual similarities they have (their manner of speak), and instead relies in a more abstract but at the same time firmer link as is April's perspective. Which, by the way, is a nice way to introduce POVs from more than one character in a first-person fic.

There was a particular flashback a couple of chapters behind that "ringed my bell", but I didn't manage to review in time. You're doing quite fine with these.

Quote:
She was Gisella, as annoying as ever...
Was she introduced before? Somehow I can't remember... Shoulda read again...
...
...
Oh, yeah, the Pokédex's voice! That little double take was great!

Quote:
Originally Posted by Gisella
"Use ember or something on that absol,"
----
"How come that absol can do stuff without you telling her? You're cheating!"
----
"Use... something! What can ponytas do, anyway?"
----
"That's pretty cool. Maybe I should use you more often."
An interesting characterization for the first Gym Leader, a member of the E4, and the person tasked with the Pokédex voice. I'm liking the character, actually. :D
And, of course, her personality made the upcoming event (Sandra) quite more enjoyable. It was like, "Oh, geez, thanks god that nuts attempt at a Gym Leader joke is gone away... what the... what's this, murder by Pokémon?"

Quote:
Lilian Burroughs, as we had known her, was Mew.
Best turn of events in a parody-sort-of-fic done in a slightly-unsual-manner-of-seriousness so far. I hope that mumbo jumbo made some sense. I mean... it's like this IMHO: if this was a uber serious fic, that would have been the point where the story "jumped the shark" of sorts. But it was done in a simple way and in a serious manner enough to keep in perfect tone with the raising seriousness of the parody-of-sorts up to that point.
And of course it was a nice turn of events. I was expecting that Shiny Turtwig would make a spectacular comeback the paragraph before.

Well... this I wrote kinda rushed, as I had the great Idea (BAD IDEA) of reviewing your fic while I'm cooking some pasta, so... well... do I smell something? Is that the smoke sensor?
...
...
Actually, yes. Something just happened and I'll have to eat dried spaghetti now. I'll suggest Xanthine to put up a "⚠WARNING⚠ Do NOT review while cooking" thingie in his reviewing advisory.

Oh and there are some minor typos I found. Nothing too serious.

Quote:
It took Mom one immensily long hour to finish cooking
Small typo. Should say: "immensely".

Quote:
I only knew the type of New Viridian's gym had always been fire
You have it noncapitalized here, but it's capitalized elsewhere. Maybe a typo?

Quote:
Suddently the echo didn't make...
A "t" sneaked by :D.

Beyond that, I can't find other notorious grammar or spelling mistakes.

I have to say I keep enjoying this story. It is a sane parody of sorts of what OTs can be. I also like the character development so far, in paticular how April's is mostly done in flashback.
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