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  #1    
Old December 31st, 2008, 09:04 AM
~Äkumà~'s Avatar
~Äkumà~
Vampire Boy
 
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[INTRO]
Hi my name is Rogueslay and this will be my frist game i have made. I start this about a week or 2 weeks ago with the help from my freind ryushin. I am hopping this game will be a success.

[STORY]
This story is being re written kk so just wait for a better draft soon
You start as a young boy/girl who lives in a small village in the small region of Somnium, you wake up on your 13th birthday and head downstairs when you get there your parents greet you with a Happy Birthday they then said that they have a surprise for you it is a pokemon your first one but first before they give it to you, you have to guess which pokemon it is between these 3 choices they give you between Aipom, Larvitar,and Bagon you guess and you get it right and they give you your pokemon you then leave the house and go over to your friends house(aka your rival) you arrive at his house you tell him that you have got your first pokemon you then challenge him to a battle he accepts you guys go outside and are ready to battle until you see a shadow on the ground moving around fast you tell your pokemon to attack the ground then out of the shadow appears Darkrai he then shoots a shadowball at you, you dodge it and you and your friend get ready to battle Darkrai when suddenly a bright flash lights up the sky you look up as well as Darkrai from that light you see something that is falling from the sky heading for the ocean you turn back around to see that Darkrai is gone you don't worry about it and head straight for the Ocean with your friend when you get there you see a crowd over by the pier looking up at the sky and watch as the beam of light crashes into the ocean after it crashes out of the ocean rises the legendary creator of space Palkia it went berserk sending out energy all over the place then in one big flash it disappeared after all of that was done the people of your village went back to there everyday life's you had a birthday party and everything then everyone went sleep like it was nothing but want they didn't know is that the world of dreams and nightmares and the real world where beginning to fuse you wake up the next morning to hear a scream outside of your window you run downstairs and go outside to see a wild bidoof attacking an old lady you take your pokemon and battle the bidoof, after beating the bidoof turns back to normal and runs away you wondered what was up with that bidoof then all of a sudden Darkrai re-shows it's self and begins to attack your pokemon it launches a dark aura from it's hands you dodge it but it hits the old lady that you protected from the bidoof the lady is knocked out cold and then Darkrai disappears you carry the lady to her home where she is being watched over by her granddaughter the woman is shivering and fidgeting in bed like she is having a nightmare about drowning in the lake then all of a sudden the room is filled with water and you are drowning right when you think all is lost something happens a bright light shines upon you and you wake up in a place of light and in front of you is Cresselia it communicates to you saying you must Darkrai and Palkia the world of Dreams and Nightmares are fusing with the real world you ask how you are supposed to defeat the Darkrai and Palkia. Cresselia replies saying that you can travel through to the world of the Dreams that have been turned into nightmares and purify them back to dreams you reply saying how do you get there and Cresselia gives you a unique necklace that allows you to travel into the world of dreams Cresselia then disappears you then see yourself back inside that old lady's house all the water that was there is gone and the old lady is calmed down you ask the granddaughter what happen to the water she replies saying that there was a bright light and the water dissapeared you leave the house now starts your journey to stop Darkrai and Palkia from disturbing the balance of space in your journey and discovering the mystery of why Palkia came into the your dimension you will meet up with many trainers some enemies some friends and you will also meet up with a shady group of trainers who are after something in the world of dreams, this will all happen in Pokemon: Broken Dreams.
[FEATURES]
Spoiler:
I hopping to have the rest of the home town finished soon and get a battle system up and working.

[SCREENSHOTS]
Spoiler:







[VIDEOS]
Spoiler:
(put vids here when you get them)

[CREDITS]
poccil for the starter kit
nintendo for creating pokemon duh XD
ryushin5 for the ideas
4th gen matt for the tilesets,character Ow's,music, and pokemon sprites.




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Last edited by ~Äkumà~; December 31st, 2008 at 12:27 PM.
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  #2    
Old December 31st, 2008, 11:08 AM
h POKE's Avatar
h POKE
angry kid and a keyboard
 
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: CT
First of all, get an editor. There are no coherent phrases in this whole thing as far as I can tell. Secondly, put in punctuation, and get rid of that format. It makes it a pain in the neck to read.
Better, but still, the choice of tiles (can you say overused?) is a very bad one indeed. In other words, There's nothing here of any merit. Please, PLEASE take time to look back on what you write before arbitrarly posting it. That said, I think this idea could be new if you made some changes.
EDIT:
Here's an idea (thanks to me):
You could make this game ten times better by putting in some appeal. Why not make the game take place not from the point of view of a hero, but rather a regular trainer. Instead of experiencing chaos firsthand, your character becomes enveloped in the effects of someone else's actions like any other citizen. It would be interesting for a little while, if you did in a fashion like Marvels (great graphic novel series). However, this is coming from the mind of someone with writer's block, so you don't have to take my suggestion.
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Last edited by h POKE; December 31st, 2008 at 11:38 AM.
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  #3    
Old December 31st, 2008, 11:24 AM
▲'s Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2008
Nature: Adamant
*reads h POKE's post to begin with* Alright...
Quote:
Originally Posted by Rogueslay View Post
[INTRO]
Hi my name is Rogueslay I've heard of you before. and this will be my frist game i have made. I start this about a week or 2 weeks ago with the help from my freind ryushin. I am hopping this game will be a success.
[STORY]
You start as a young boy/girl who lives in a small village in the small region of SOMNIUM You sleep in the region? Makes sense with the title, but, uh...it's a little trite. It's like if my region with islands was called Hydronia. you wake up on your 13th birthday and head downstairs when you get there your parents greet you with a Happy Birthday they then said that they have a suprise for you it is a pokemon your first one but first before they give it to you, you have to guess which pokemon it is between these 3 choices they give you between Aipom,Larvitar,and Bagon
you guess ...so far I'm bored except for the fact that Aipom is awesome. ( the one you pick as your guess is the pokemon that you get)
and you get it right and they give you your pokemon you then leave the house and go over to your friends house(aka your rival Is he a forced rival, or does he actually spice up the plot?) you arrive at his house you tell him that you have got your first pokemon you then challenge him to a battle he accepts Anything new in here? you guys go outside and are ready to battle until you see a shadow on the ground moving around fast you tell your pokemon to attack the ground then out of the shadow appears Darkrai Why is s/he just hanging around?
...I should have seen this coming given the title.
he then shoots a shadowball at you, you dodge it and you and your friend get ready to battle Darkrai when suddenly a bright flash lights up the sky you look up as well as Darkrai from that light you see something that is falling from the sky heading for the ocean you turn back around to see that Darkrai is gone you don't worry about it and head straight for the Ocean ...a [whatever] Wing? The crescent-shaped green things of Cresselia I bet... with your friend when you get there you see a crowd over by the pier looking up at the sky and watch as the beam of light crashes into the ocean after it crashes out of the ocean rises the legendary creator of space Palkia Why? Why? WHY?! Last I checked, it took a Red Chain to call it out last time... it went berserk sending out energy all over the place then in one big flash it disappeared after all of that was done the people of your village went back to there everyday life's you had a birthday party and everything then everyone went sleep like it was nothing but want they didn't know is that the world of dreams and nightmares and the real world where beginning to fuse you wake up the next morning
To be honest, I wanna stop here. But I'll finish it... to hear a scream outside of your window you run downstairs and go outside to see a wild bidoff attacking berserkly It's being possessed? Mind-controlled? It had better not be... an old lady you take your pokemon and battle the bidoff (you beat it naturaly) after that the bidoff turns back to normal and runs away you wondered what was up with that bidoff then all of a sudden Darkrai re-shows Darkrai isn't evil. It's not the devil pkmn like you may be thinking it is. That's Diavil, and it's already taken. As far as I see, Darkrai has no motives here... it's self and begins to attack your pokemon it launches a dark aura from it's hands you dodge it but it hits the old lady that you protected from the bidoff the lady is knocked out cold and then Darkrai disappears you carry the lady to her home where she is being watched over by her grandaughter the woman is shivering and fidgeting in bed like she is having a nightmare about drowning in the lake then all of a sudden the room is filled with water and you are
From here on I just skimmed it...drowning right when you think all is lost something happens a brightlight shines upon you and you wake up in a place of light and in front of you is cresselia it communicates to you saying you must Darkrai and Palkia the world of Dreams and Nightmares are fusing with the real world you ask how you are supposed to defeat the Darkrai and Palkia, Cresselia replies saying that you can travel through to the world of the Dreams that have been turned into nightmares and purify them back to dreams you reply saying how do you get there and cresselia gives you a unique necklace that allows you to travel into the world of dreams Cresselia then disappears you then see yourself back inside that old lady's house all the water that was there is gone and the old lady is calmed down you ask the grandaugther what happen to the water she replies saying that there was a bright light and the water dissapeared you leave the house now starts your journey to stop Darkrai and Palkia from distrubing the balance of space in your journey and discovering the mystery of why Palkia came into the your dimension you will meet up with many trainers some enemies some friends and you will also meet up with a shady group of trainers who are after something in the world of dreams, this will all happen in Pokemon: Broken Dreams.
Can't you come up with anything original instead of Cresselia and Darkrai? And it isn't too well-thought-out from what I understand...you just forced a bunch of Sinnoh legends into your regions without any causes for the effects...the mystery you put at the end isn't too interestng. You can flip that around if you do, however, have a flawless reason for it...
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  #4    
Old December 31st, 2008, 11:38 AM
Anuhrima's Avatar
Anuhrima
Darkness and Rebirth
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Agent Zero View Post
*reads h POKE's post to begin with* Alright...
[/center]
Can't you come up with anything original instead of Cresselia and Darkrai? And it isn't too well-thought-out from what I understand...you just forced a bunch of Sinnoh legends into your regions without any causes for the effects...the mystery you put at the end isn't too interestng. You can flip that around if you do, however, have a flawless reason for it...
I'm asking you as a friend can you please stop
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  #5    
Old December 31st, 2008, 12:07 PM
~Äkumà~'s Avatar
~Äkumà~
Vampire Boy
 
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kk im going to re do the tread kk
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  #6    
Old December 31st, 2008, 03:30 PM
Theik's Avatar
Theik
Fancy Cape Knight
 
Join Date: Dec 2008
Age: 26
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One suggestion would be to spell check your text. I can't find a single sentence without a blatant grammar or spelling error, if this had been the actual game, most people would have stopped playing after two minutes.

I couldn't even force myself to read through your entire text. This might however also because of the fact that it's an obnoxious big block of text in all caps.
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  #7    
Old December 31st, 2008, 10:26 PM
bugbite250's Avatar
bugbite250
A Christian Disciple
 
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: USA
Age: 20
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nice story you got there! it needs i dunno... i think its just fine!
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  #8    
Old January 1st, 2009, 12:44 AM
Anuhrima's Avatar
Anuhrima
Darkness and Rebirth
 
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I don't know why the storyline is not divided into sections
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  #9    
Old January 1st, 2009, 05:59 PM
~Äkumà~'s Avatar
~Äkumà~
Vampire Boy
 
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Age: 21
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im re writing it soon there is like 2 plots that are happening at the same time and stuff in the next few days there will be a new story placed up
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  #10    
Old January 1st, 2009, 06:01 PM
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Join Date: Sep 2008
Nature: Adamant
Cool, these two plots are intertwined somehow, right? Or they come together, right (just checkin', it's procedure, yanno)...

I'll do a critting once you post it...
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  #11    
Old January 2nd, 2009, 03:17 PM
~Äkumà~'s Avatar
~Äkumà~
Vampire Boy
 
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Age: 21
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ya there kind of to plots that happen at the same time causing things to happen to each of them them so if someone wrote it it may look like one but when i re write it it will sound more like two that fuse together at the end

im hopping that it turns out good
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