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View Poll Results: After Im done with Johto Adventures should i .............
Create a new fanfic 3 100.00%
Quit it 0 0%
Continue with Johto Adventures but introduce new pokemon 0 0%
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Voters: 3. You may not vote on this poll

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  #1    
Old November 17th, 2008 (02:58 PM). Edited November 8th, 2014 by Delta Stream.
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redacted for privacy.........
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Old November 17th, 2008 (05:03 PM).
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I won't ban you. I'll just give you a review to help your writing improve.

Grammar mistakes are fixed in bold.

Quote originally posted by sinnohchapion:
In Johto there were the three legendary dogs: Entei, Raikou and Suicune. After a while the tower caught on fire.
Pause for a second. What tower? What caused it to catch on fire?

Quote:
Gold thinks they are around. Hewants to find them. Here in Johto, he starts his journey. Introduction: A White Suit Trainer?!
Who's Gold? Why does he want to find them? Why does he think they are still around?

You should also put the "Introduction: A White Suit Trainer?!" in it's own paragraph.

Oh, and also, put a blank space between each paragraph. Hit the Enter button twice to make a new paragraph whenever someone speaks or you begin talking about a new subject.

Quote:
Gold wakes up in New Bark Town. Yawning, he puts on his cap, shorts, and jacket and combs his hair. He goes down the stairs. “Hi, Mom," Gold says as he grabs a cup of coffee.
I'm not sure if I want to tell you not to write in present tense. But I noticed that you switch from present tense to past tense later in the chapter. You should pick one tense and stick with it.

Quote:
“How are you doing? Have you packed?” his mom asks. “Also, I’ve just gotten your Pokegear back from the repair shop. Here you go!”

”I’m off!” announced Gold. “Bye!”
See how I put Gold's speech in its own paragraph?

Quote:
“I have an errand for you to run,” the Professor said.
When the speech is followed by a dialog tag like "said", the full stop for the speech becomes a comma.

Quote:
He finds rare stuff and emails me about it.
Quote:
They are not very useful... That’s why I’m asking you to pick up what he wants me to examine.
Quote:
I'll give a Pokemon to take with you as your partner.
Contractions, two words combined as one, use apostrophes to replace the missing letters. "I will" becomes "I'll".

Quote:
Pick one Chikorita, Cyndaquil or Tododile.
Quote:
“Ill take...Cyndaquil!”
Ellipses are only three full stops.

Quote:
“I like that Pokemon too!” Elm said.
If you're going to capitalize the names of the Pokemon when they are used as common nouns, remain consistent.

Quote:
“Bye!” Gold said.
Quote:
But as Gold left, the assistant of Elm gave Gold a Potion for the errand.
Quote:
But a white-suited man came up and started a battle!
Quote:
Gold said, “Go, Cyndaquil!”
Quote:
The mysterious man said, “Go, Charmander!”
Quote:
“Cyndaquillll!!!"
Quote:
Charmander fainted!
Quote:
“I’m Anthony, we’ll battle again...
Quote:
Gold marveled at the fact... "Wow, a white suit trainer he said to Cyndaquil as the two walked...
You know, honestly, I can say that there was an improvement over your last few fanfics. There weren't any spelling errors at all, which shows that you took the time to make sure of that. It's mostly grammar and a lack of description that you should work on.

Your chapter is pretty much dialog. Your battle could have been much longer if you took the time to describe what happened.

I would suggest that you go to the the Beta Place to find a beta to help you with the grammar and description. You should also look at the Grammar Advice thread to learn a bit about what I said with dialog.

But all in all, you can improve your writing if you just listen to advice. Good luck!
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Old November 17th, 2008 (05:25 PM).
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Ill create a spot of biography for gold.
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Old November 17th, 2008 (05:43 PM). Edited November 8th, 2014 by Delta Stream.
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(NOT A REPLY!)
Redaction......
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Old November 22nd, 2008 (07:36 AM). Edited November 8th, 2014 by Delta Stream.
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Redaction, buddy ol pal......
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Old November 22nd, 2008 (10:34 AM). Edited November 8th, 2014 by Delta Stream.
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Don't ha just love redaction?! I do
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Old November 22nd, 2008 (03:12 PM). Edited November 8th, 2014 by Delta Stream.
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Redaction. Read action. Readaction!
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Old November 22nd, 2008 (05:14 PM).
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Cool story even though I never played G/S/C
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Old November 23rd, 2008 (07:59 AM). Edited November 8th, 2014 by Delta Stream.
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Friggin read anion........readaction* redaction*
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Old November 23rd, 2008 (11:05 AM).
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Okay, looking at your last chapter, I'm going to have to ask the following question: Are you or are you not typing this directly onto PC? As in, are you hitting "Post Reply" and typing it in the white box that comes up?

If you are, please stop. The correct way to write a fanfiction (and there is one, really, although the specifics are pretty loose beyond a few important rules) is to use a word processor like Microsoft Word or Open Office. It allows you to save without showing an incomplete work (like something literally only five lines long), spell check, and proofread easily.

Also, it's heavily unnecessary to use font tags. First off, it's a hassle for those of us who do quote reviews. Second, you don't need pretty formatting. Your viewers will prefer the layout they're already using, so to make things easier for everyone, just don't use font tags, please.

That said, the rest of the review. As a note, I will bold grammatical errors as I correct them and then explain them unless I think they're simple or repeated mistakes.


Quote originally posted by sinnohchapion:
After a while the Burned Tower caught on fire.
If you have two words in a name, you need to capitalize both of them. For example, "Tower" is actually part of the name of the place, so it's "Burned Tower," not "Burned tower."

Also, I'm going to have to agree with Astinus here. You give this only one sentence, but you don't actually state when and how it happened. For all we know, this is hundreds of years in the past, when Burned Tower first caught on fire. Likewise, for all we know, someone tossed a cigarette butt on the wooden floors. Seriously, if this is how it burned to the ground, it's a mystical event. You'll want to show us that it is through more description than you're giving us.

Quote:
Gold thinks they are around wants to find them.
Gold thinks who are around? Remember, your last sentence was about Burned Tower, so this sentence would end up having to be about the same thing unless otherwise specified. Additionally, if this is about the three legendaries, then you automatically have one sentence come out of absolutely nowhere. As in, it feels like you're talking about Burned Tower for no apparent reason.

Also, read this sentence aloud. Notice how the "wants to find them" is tacked on with nothing to lead into it, so the sentence doesn't quite make sense? What do you need here?

If you're still uncertain:

Gold thinks they are around and wants to find them.

Quote:
Here in Johto , he starts his journey.
…Um, okay.

Seriously, this entire opening paragraph feels like you're talking about several different things at once without relating one to another. I know you want to get into the story, but you've really got to sit down and work things out. Don't just say things in one sentence and be done with them. String together your thoughts to relate them to one another so we don't end up getting lost. For example, okay, so you want to talk about the three legendaries and Burned Tower. Tell us what the two have to do with each other in your story. Set the stage as being the Burned Tower first, then go through its burning and show us the creation and escape of the legendaries. (This, of course, is just a thought on how you can reorganize this paragraph. You can do whatever you want as long as you get your thoughts in some coherent order.)

Quote:
Yawning, he puts on his cap,
Unless Gold is God (and I sincerely hope he isn't), don't capitalize pronouns that refer to him in the middle of a sentence.

Quote:
shorts, and jacket and combs his hair. He goes downstairs.
Although it won't be picked up by spell check, "downstairs" is one word.

Quote:
“Hi, Mom,” Gold says as he grabs a cup of coffee.
First off, when doing dialogue, you have the mark of punctuation inside the quotation marks. Second, if the dialogue tag (the "he says" part) comes after the dialogue it's modifying, you'll want to put in a comma (instead of a period) because you're not actually finishing the sentence until the end of the tag.

Quote:
“How are you doing? Have you packed?” his mom asks.
Lowercase there for the "you're not finishing the sentence just yet" reason I mentioned earlier. Also, because you are at the end of the tag (unless the tag interrupts a sentence in dialogue), you need a period at the end.

Quote:
“Also, I’ve just gotten
Note: Commas go after introduction words – or words that don't need to be in a sentence but come at the beginning anyway.

Quote:
”I’m off!” announced Gold. “Bye!”
Okay, stop right here. You don't mention Gold taking the Pokegear or anything other than dialogue. Remember that all dialogue and no action makes for a fairly boring story. Why? Because the readers can't see what's going on. So far, we don't know what Gold looks like aside from what he's wearing, and we can't see him doing anything. So, as far as we're concerned, all we're seeing is a bunch of voices in a dark room. You've got to slow down and describe what things look like and what's happening in the story. Don't just rush from one place to another.

By the way, did you just switch tenses? Don't. If you start a story in the present tense (says, asks), don't randomly switch to past (announced, greeted). Stick with one tense throughout the entire thing for the sake of consistency.

Quote:
“Hello!” he greeted Gold.
Professor Elm apparently just came out of nowhere, considering you don't have Gold entering the lab. (Although I suppose in your defense, you just say Gold's walking to Professor Elm – who, for all we know, is actually standing just outside Gold's house. Stalking his mom.)

Quote:
“I have an errand for you to run,the Professor said. “I have an acquaintance named Mr. Pokemon.
Note that I've taken out your paragraph break. Because Elm is still the one speaking (and because it's still the same topic), you don't need to start a new paragraph.

Also, I've noticed you lump quotes together so there's no line of blank space between them. In actuality, this is not grammatically correct. When you change speakers, you start new paragraphs, and when you start new paragraphs in something you post online, you hit the enter key twice. No exceptions. None. Whatsoever.

Quote:
He finds rare stuff and e-mails me about.
1. Yes, "e-mail" is hyphenated. It's a contraction for "electronic mail," and the hyphen represents the missing letters in "electronic."

2. You didn't complete the sentence here. About what?

Quote:
They are not very useful. That’s why I’m asking you to pick up what he wants me to examine.
First off, don't abuse the ellipsis. In fiction, it's used when someone trails off or if parts of what they're saying can't be heard. Likewise, it's only three dots long, not six.

Second, I'm not sure why you didn't begin a new sentence here. It would be a run-on (or a sentence in which you're trying to splice two sentences together with nothing in between them) otherwise, so you'll need a period.

Third, wait, what? O_o Elm knows the things he gets from Mr. Pokémon aren't very useful, so he sends someone to get it anyway? One would assume that if he didn't want it, he'd just tell Mr. Pokémon not to send it.

Likewise, in the games, Elm sends the protagonist to Mr. Pokémon because his discoveries are very useful. Elm jumped with excitement when he received Mr. Pokémon's egg.

Quote:
I'll give a Pokemon to take with you as your partner. Pick one: Chikorita, Cyndaquil or Tododile.
I'm not sure why you have such a fondness for putting spaces before marks of punctuation, but really, you shouldn't. Punctuation marks go against words (unless it's the dash). Spaces may come after, not before.

Second, I'll have to back up what Astinus said about contractions. "I'll" is a contraction for "I will." The apostrophe replaces the missing letters of one of those words, so you need one in this kind of word. Otherwise, you're saying "ill," which is a synonym of the word "sick."

Finally, colon after "one" here because you're going into a list.

Quote:
I'll take Cyndaquil!"
What? Gold doesn't think this through? No inner conflict over which Pokémon to choose? No reasons why he's choosing Cyndaquil over the others?

Again, all dialogue = bad idea.

Quote:
“I like that pokemon too!” Elm said.

“Bye!” Gold said.

As Gold left, the assistant of Elm gave Gold a Potion for the errand.
Note the paragraph breaks here. If you don't hit that enter key twice, you're saying that Elm is the one saying, "Bye." Why? Because he's the first one to speak in the paragraph, so automatically, the reader assumes that everything else being spoken in the same paragraph is by him.

Also, you should minimize the amount of action taking place in a dialogue paragraph. As in, the only thing that should go in a paragraph where a character speaks is what he says and small actions he might be taking while he says it. Everything else should go in a new paragraph.

Quote:
Gold started to leave.

A white suited man came up and started a battle.
From out of nowhere?

Quote:
Gold said, “Go, Cyndaquil!”

The mysterious man said, “Go, Charmander!”
Commas go between the dialogue tag and the dialogue. As in, you're right in thinking the sentence doesn't end at the end of the tag in this case, but you need to separate the tag from the dialogue anyway.

Quote:
The battle begun.

“Cyndaquil, Tackle!”

“Cyndaquillll!!! "
Because you've been having just the stranger and Gold speak in the latest conversation, you're basically telling the reader that the man in white is the one saying the last line here.

Quote:
As the fiery flames
Yes. Flames are fiery.

Seriously, this phrase is really redundant. You don't need to tell us that the flames are… flames.

Quote:
on Cyndaquil lit up. The air got intense.
You capitalize the word "the," but you don't actually create a new sentence here. O_o As in, period, not a comma.

Quote:
Cyndaquil said
Cyndaquil said what? O_o

Quote:
as it ran towards to Charmander. “Char!”
Cyndaquil sounds like a Charmander? o_o You use a paragraph break just after this and mention Cyndaquil in the same paragraph, so…

Quote:
Charmander said after getting hit. Charmander fainted!
First off, battle details, please. We don't see Charmander actually getting hit. Getting hit with what? Cyndaquil's entire body? Where? In the chest?

Also, "fainted" doesn't need to be capitalized. It's a verb in the middle of a sentence.

Third, don't abuse the exclamation point. One is enough. Also, you'll want to avoid using it in narration (as in, wherever a character isn't speaking). It makes the narrator look over enthusiastic, which makes the narrator seem like he's rooting for Gold the entire time. This is actually bad because it'll probably make the story predictable.

As in, neutral narrator, please. No exclamation points.

Finally, um… Unless a Pokémon is really weak, a Tackle from a starter that someone just obtained really shouldn't take something down in one hit.

Quote:
I’m Anthony. We’ll battle again.

Gold marveled at the fact.
What fact?

Quote:
"Wow, a white-suited trainer," he said to Cyndaquil as the two walked.
First off, this is dialogue. He's saying this aloud to someone else. Therefore, you need to punctuate it like dialogue.

Second, don't use numerals for any number from zero to ninety-nine (unless it's a date, ordinal, or address). You just don't. Instead, write it out.

Third, walked where? To the edge of town? Off a cliff?


At this point, it should be worth it to note I skipped over the profiles you've given us. If you need to tell us who these characters are in a profile on the thread, it usually means something's lacking in terms of their description within the story.


Quote:
*Narrator Voice*
*smack!* No! Bad writer!

Seriously, anything outside of quotation marks is a narrator. You don't need to say you're putting on a narrator's voice.

Likewise, don't recap what happened in the last chapter. We can easily look up to find out.

Quote:
Heading for Mr. Pokemon's house, he
Repeat after me: Gold is not God.

Quote:
and Cyndaquil are walking down Route 29.
Easily excited narrator is easily excited. (As in, there's really no reason whatsoever why you need an exclamation point instead of a period here. Just use a period.)

Also, is = singular verb. Are = plural. If there's more than one object in the subject, use the plural.

Quote:
"Cyndaquil," Gold started to say, "we will have a fun time catching Pokemon and battling Trainers!"
Because you're having the dialogue tag interrupt Gold's sentence, don't capitalize "we."

Quote:
"Cynda!" Cyndaquil replied.
Spell check is your friend.

Quote:
Gold looked around to find any trainers that wanted to battle. All of the sudden, a Sentret appeared.

"Cyndaquil, let's practice battling!" Gold said excitedly.
First off, "let's" is a contraction for "let us."

Second, note the lack of a comma after "said." "Excitedly" is an adverb, so right now, what you're doing is like describing a ball as "the red, ball."

Quote:
Cyndaquil's flames lit up. Sentret perched on its tail.
It's not necessary to use "up" and "on." Just one preposition will do.

Quote:
"Cynda Quil!" Cyndaquil said, hitting Sentret with a flame on his back.
Since when is Tackle a Fire-type attack?

Quote:
"Sen tret!" Sentret hit Cyndaquil with a Scratch.
Again, describe to us what these attacks look like, please.

Quote:
"Tackle!" Gold said with a mixture of determination in his voice.
A mixture of determination and what? Determination is just one item here, so you'll need something else.

Quote:
Cyndaquil defeated Sentret.
How? O_o

Quote:
After a few minuntes, Gold arrived in Cherrygrove City.
By teleporting? O_o

Quote:
He had to find a Pokemon Center because Cyndaquil had a fierce battle with a Pidgey and almost fainted.
In the few minutes that lapsed between the battle with Sentret and the time he reached Cherrygrove? O_o I think you're rushing a little bit there, partner. Just a little bit.

Also, note the lack of a comma after "center." "Because" is not a conjunction that requires a comma before it.

Quote:
* sun comes up*
…Um… No.

Don't ever write actions in asterisks like this in your stories. Ever. I'm serious. It's the mark of a lazy writer. Write paragraphs and full sentences.

On that note, you're implying that absolutely no time passed between Gold going to sleep and the sun coming up. Which makes the next sentence rather awkward, by the way:

Quote:
"Cyndaquil, come out!" Gold said.
Where and when is this taking place? As far as we know, Gold's still in bed, and his Cyndaquil is still with Nurse Joy.

Quote:
:4:
…What is that?

Quote:
Soon, they arrived at Mr. Pokemon's house.
Okay, when you have someone's name with their title (like Mr. Pokémon), you put a space between the period and the rest of their name. You don't actually try to combine them.

Quote:
"Hello. You must be Gold!"
There's really no reason whatsoever why you need an ellipsis in this sentence. You're not having him trail off, be interrupted, or anything else that you might need an ellipsis for. Ergo, drop.

Quote:
Mr. Pokémon said, "Nice to meet you!"
This should help you with your comma problems.

Quote:
"Oh, right. This is what Prof. Elm wants to examine," Mr.Pokemon told Gold. "Wait. Can I see that Pokeball?"
I is a pronoun that's always capitalized. Always.

Also, because you have a dialogue tag already in this paragraph, you don't need to say "Mr. Pokémon asked." We already know who's speaking and can figure out how he's saying it from what he's saying. It's just redundant.

Quote:
"Aha! I know why Prof. Elm gave such a rare Pokemon to you now.
After five seconds of seeing the Poke Ball?

Quote:
You see, Professors like Elm and Oak have the ability to see that trainers will care for their Pokemon.
"Potential" means they may or may not be able to. "Ability" means they can. You want "ability" here because in this case, professors can tell who will care for their Pokémon.

Also, why is this text in black?

Quote:
Elm is the expert on evolution research. Even Prof. Oak knows that."
What does this have to do with anything? O_o

Quote:
"Hi, I'm Professor Oak!" Prof. Oak greeted Gold.
Holy crap, where did he come from? O_o

Quote:
"I have the same understanding
The same what? Understanding for what? (As in, "understanding" usually means the person understands a particular subject or fact. You can't simply have "understanding" and leave it at that.)

Quote:
as Mr. Pokémon. Can I have a favor, please?
Note the addition of the word "can." The sentence doesn't make sense without it.

Quote:
This is a Pokedex.
Because you capitalize everything else having to do with Pokémon, you need to capitalize "Pokedex" too for consistency.

Quote:
I would complete it myself, but you have such a rare Pokémon. This is a great favor from me.
1. "Myself" is one word.

2. You need a comma here because this is a compound sentence. Two sentences are coming together through a conjunction ("but") and a comma instead of a period.

3. To avoid a run-on, you'll need to end the sentence after "Pokémon" and continue with a new sentence.

4. "A great favor"? What? Does Oak mean he's doing Gold a favor? No, seriously. I don't quite understand here.

Quote:
Well, I have to get to Goldenrod to do my TV show. Bye!"
Doesn't Oak do a radio show?

Also, ellipsis is not needed whatsoever here. Just use a comma.

Quote:
"Well, I have to leave now, so good bye!" Gold announced.

"You're leaving early? Let's have your Pokemon have a good rest."
Who's saying this? The past conversation has just been with Oak and Gold, so you're actually leaving this part ambiguous.

Quote:
Well, the dawn of a new journey,
The dawn of a new journey… what?

Quote:
so stay tuned!
You're telling us to stay tuned, so present tense here.

Also, don't use this at all, please. It's a cliché, and really, if you're going to end a chapter, you really should just end it. You don't need a concluding sentence to tell us to stay with the story. We know it's a work in progress.



At this point, I'm going to have to stop. There's a lot of errors here, and I don't feel as if you've taken Astinus' advice, really. You need to sit down and write in a word processor because I'm pretty certain you just typed this onto PC. There's spelling errors that a spell check would be able to catch, and frankly, this entire thing just feels rushed.

First off, yes, proofread. There's rules for every punctuation mark, and you seem to have trouble with a variety of different ones. I would suggest going to OWL at Purdue, which explains things pretty simply. On top of that, you do things you really shouldn't do in a written work, including using internet shorthand for actions and to tell us what voice you're using.

If you're not entirely confident with your grammatical skills, go get a beta. Astinus linked you to our beta sticky. Post a profile and wait for someone to come along to help you. Betas exist for your benefit. Take advantage of it.

Second, the story really needs a lot of work. You rush to get from one place to another (literally), so you leave out practically everything. You don't give us descriptions of the characters (besides what they're wearing) or of the setting, so people pop up from out of nowhere. For example, you don't tell us Oak's in the room with Mr. Pokémon, so as far as we know, he came out of the shadows.

On top of that, you don't give us much action. Battles are over in literally three sentences. You don't make Cyndaquil struggle for his victories, and you don't describe attacks as fully as you should. Show us what each move looks like and how each Pokémon reacts. Otherwise, we could really care less that Cyndaquil won because we're too busy trying to figure out what actually happened.

Think of it like this: You're an artist with a blank canvas and a really awesome image in your head. To make us see the image, you can't just paint a few brush strokes and be done with it. You need to put a lot of time and effort into the portrait to get it the way you imagine it so we can see what you mean. We're not psychic, so just making 90% of the story be just dialogue won't help us or lure us into your story.

Overall, sit down and take your time. Yes, I agree with Astinus that this is an improvement over your other work. It's readable, and it's over a paragraph long (save for the latest one you posted). However, you still need to sit down and work. Maybe even get someone to help you here.
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  #11    
Old November 23rd, 2008 (05:25 PM).
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Quote originally posted by sinnohchapion:
*Narrator's voice* Last time on our Hero's journey, Gold caught a Chickorita.----- In a house! Now Gold is rushing to Violet city. Will he make it? Let's find out.

"I hope we can make it!" Gold said. "We dont have much time, Cynda-"

"KYROOO!"

"What was that??" Gold asked.
All of the sudden, a Pidgey appeared! "Tododile, go!
I'm confused. Is this supposed to be a chapter? It really short. If it isn't finished yet, then it isn't even supposed to be posted till it is. (I would read the rules)
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  #12    
Old December 15th, 2009 (08:13 AM). Edited November 8th, 2014 by Delta Stream.
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Reeeeeeedaction tbh imooooooooooo
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  #13    
Old December 15th, 2009 (11:46 AM).
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I like it, but maybe be original with characters and storyline, but has potential. Keep it up!
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Old December 18th, 2009 (06:30 PM).
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mickmon95 mickmon95 is offline
 
Join Date: Dec 2009
Location: Texas
Age: 19
Gender: Male
Nature: Docile
Posts: 17
Its good, but it'd be better with a little revision.....
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