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  #1    
Old December 4th, 2008 (10:45 AM). Edited December 4th, 2008 by Akeraz.
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Akeraz Akeraz is offline
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Note: Urm, Just before I begin, This is my first attempt at a Fanfiction. All Constructive Criticism is welcomed.

Chapter One - When Swords Cross;

A figure ran down the gleaming marble hallway. The sound of metal clunking could be heard as he raced through the hallways. His heart raced. As he reached the end of the corridor, a light could be seen. He walked into the inner chamber, glancing at another figure, and a Pokémon
"What do you think you're doing here!?" Said the figure who had just entered the room.
The light suddenly began to dim as clouds shrouded the moon. The chamber itself was large, and spacious. A large painting of legendary Pokémon circled the room. The ceiling was shaped like a dome - The skylight that normally covered the center of the dome had been destroyed. Shards of glass sparkled in the moonlight, as the clouds revealed the moon once more.
"What's it to you?"
The other figure had rudely responded. Without a single word, both men withdrew blades. They then crossed swords. The clashing of the swords made a sharp ringing sound, which, because of the chamber's design, echoed throughout. The theif's Pokémon suddenly jumped between the two blades. A red claw could be seen in the moonlight, and the reverbration of wings could be heard.

Lunari thought he was doomed - His scyther had been badly injured by the henchmen of the theif, Arkiel. Until recently, Arkiel had been seen as an ally to the Kingdom of Illumia - But this obviously was not the case. Lunari blinked as the Scizor came towards him - then in a blur, an injured Pokémon had blocked the Scizor. The bright-green pokemon could be seen in the moonlight, with it's sharp, sickle-like claws. It's wings were badly damaged, with holes in places. Lunari was shocked - a blank look had been painted over his face, as if it were like canvas. His scyther shouldn't have been able to move, but it did. Lunari noticed some white cloth wrapped around his Scyther's legs. Someone had tended to him.
"What's this!?" Arkiel screamed.
Arkiel was of a large build, and was highly muscular. His streak black hair clashed with the light, and stood out as the moonlight lit up the chamber. Lunari was struggling against Arkiel - Of course, Arkiel had the bigger build, so Lunari would struggle, naturally. Lunari was a Young, Nineteen year old boy, with Blonde hair. His deep, blue eyes stared into those red, bloodshot eyes of Arkiel.

The silence lingered for what seemed to be several minutes. A sudden movement disrupted the group, who engaged in a clash of swords. Each ring of swords colliding was amplified by the echoes of the chamber. The struggle continued for a few minutes. Lunari found himself on the floor, struggling for breath. Arkiel walked over to the two Pokémon who had been fighting.
"Move aside, Scizor!" He bellowed, as he pushed his scizor to the side.
He grabbed ahold of Scyther's neck, and clamped tightly onto it. Scyther struggled with his utmost, but failed to break free.
"Scyther, Scy.." Scyther weakly cried, barely holding onto conciousness, as he was being strangled.
"You pathetic young boy.. You thought you could stop me?" Arkiel shouted.
He then proceeded to throw Scyther across the chamber. Scyther hit the wall headfirst, and suffered a concussion, and was Knocked outcold. Arkiel walked over to Lunari, and looked at him, grimmacing.
"Don't you ever interfere again, filthy scum!"
Arkiel stomped on Lunari's face. The sharp blow Rendered him unconcious. Lunari and scyther lay in the chamber, both in a slump. In the light of the moon, Arkiel walked up to the pedestal in the chamber, and removed the pure white gem from it's niche. As he held the gem up to the moonlight, it shone radiance - not radiance of the moon, but it's own radiance. It seemed to give off a light of some sort. Happy with his prize, Arkiel snorted, and quickly left the palace, without any opposition.

Note: Yeah, it's kinda short, but this is Just to introduce the story. You can expect later chapters to be longer.
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  #2    
Old December 4th, 2008 (04:30 PM). Edited December 5th, 2008 by Lana..
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Lana. Lana. is offline
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While I think you're off to a pretty good start, I do suggest a few things:

- Spacing out between paragraphs is good, but if you're going to do that, you might as well space out between dialogue. It's looks nicer and not as cluttered. You may have turned off quite a few of the potential readers with the look of your story, even though it wasn't a bad read.

- I suggest a beta reader. I ran this through my Word real quick, and there were only one or two errors it could see. But I myself could see at least four or so.

That said, you're off to a pretty good start here. Seeing as you've only posted one chapter, there isn't much else to say. However, a bit more information wouldn't go amiss (unless, of course, you want to leave your readers wondering )

Best of luck! ~ *Lanee
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  #3    
Old December 5th, 2008 (01:30 PM).
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Kozoi Kozoi is offline
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Nice Jack. Make next chapter longer for me.
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