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Old December 7th, 2008 (09:04 PM). Edited January 9th, 2009 by shockzone.
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Hey everybody I'm new to this forum and fanfics so be happy that you get a chance to criticize a newb like me.Hope you like my fic:


Rise of the Beasts

Introduction:
Young Ricky Evans is going about his life when he stumbles upon a secret and puts the whole region of Sien in peril.While out in space a legendary destroyer Pokemon is heading for the planet where 16 other destroyer Pokemon await him.Now Ricky must travel through the region and save it twice in a row.






Prologue:

A calm mist surrounded a thick jungle overloaded with flora and fauna.A cold breeze suddenly ran through the jungle, sending a shiver up every Pokemon.Suddenly the trees shed all their leaves and thunder could be heard roaring from the clouds as if the legends of thunder had commanded it.Which they had.

"Rrraaaaaaagh!" the war cry flooded through the ears of all the Pokemon, sounding that the merciless battle had begun.Thunder rained down from the sky and ripped through the solid ground as if they were marking their territory.

"Kyuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!" a loud ringing sound echoed from the clouds as a fairly large bolt of lightning tore the ground in the middle of the jungle leaving an enormous crack that looked like the symbol for lightning Pokemon.

"Shaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!" a coarse sound echoed through the once beautiful jungle.Rain started to beat the ground like a drum, pattering everything in sight like normal rain, except this rain was purple.

"Kwaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!" a ear piercing shout burst through the sound of the rain as it began to hail heavily.The voices continued their screeching as the weather pelted them harder and harder until they could take no more and rushed at each other from their domains.
A watery blue creature with white diamonds on it sprinted off from its hiding place and over the giant gap, running as fast as the wind.It's purple cape flowed like a steady stream as it abruptly stopped waiting for the others.

Dashing almost as fast as lightning, a hound-like creature was headed directly at the blue creature, baring it's cold fangs.The small but elegant mane of clouds it had started to rumble discreetly as the yellow creature got a boost of speed.Opening it's mouth wide, causing the metal fangs to enlarge as it headed straight at the blue creature.It sunk it's fangs into the side of the blue creature when it suddenly felt moist and turned into water only to reform behind the yellow one and blast a beam of light directly at it.

"Gwaaaaaaaaaargh" screamed the yellow creature as it was sent flying into a tree.As the beam faded the yellow creature limply got up and roared at the top of it's lungs.It lashed out at the blue creature at full speed but it melted then reformed again.

"My,my,Raikou.You've lost you're abilities.Has your hundred year rest weakened your techniques?" said the blue creature suddenly as it was reforming.

"I must warn you.I still haven't lost my shine yet,Suicune.So keep your eyes open." retorted Raikou as he prepared for another strike.

"No.It is I who must warn you.While you have been lazily dozing for a century, I have been training my skills." replied Suicune calmly when Raikou angrily attempted to crunch Suicune."Your skills are nothing compared to mine now." gloated Suicune and melted and reformed behind Raikou and was about to freeze him when a sudden rumbling sound interrupted him.

"What is that noise?" growled Raikou as his tail and cape stood on their ends.

"It is the sound of magma running deep in the earth readying to burst forth and glaze this land in molten rock.It is the sound of Entei." said Suicune in a cold lifeless voice.
Suddenly the ground opened beneath their feet and out came a rigid volcano seeping with magma.On top of it all was the legendary Pokemon, Entei.

"You two should be ashamed of yourselves.Starting a fight without me." shouted Entei in a booming voice followed by a mighty roar then leapt down from the top of the volcano as it disappeared into the earth again."It is time to see who is the true king of the Johto legendary Trio."



In the clouds above the legendary dogs, an equally epic battle was taking place between the legendary birds Zapdos and Articuno.
"Life never meant anything to you, so way are you protecting the lives of your fellow electric Pokemon?" questioned Articuno, glaring at Zapdos with his deathly red eyes."You know not the responsibility of taking care of a whole ecosystem."

"I do not take care of anything.I am doing this for myself." replied Zapdos selfishly, beating it's wings harder as the sound of thunder rumbled louder.

"You selfish infidel, will never forgive you." screamed Articuno in a ferocious yet regal way.Articuno then opened it's beak which started glowing with a shining silver light which then partially crystallized and was shot at Zapdos.The beam hurtled towards Zapdos when suddenly a pillar of fire erupted from the clouds and melted the beam.The fire rapidly whirled around until vanishing in an explosion of flames, which were from the fire Pokemon Moltres spinning inside the tornado.

"You have no right to attack your own family" screeched Moltres as the flames on it flared with every syllable."Without me." said Moltres with a malicious laugh and turned around towards Zapdos with its mouth glowing and doused it in flames.

"Kuwaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!!!!" screamed Zapdos as the flames enveloped every inch of his body.A bright beam of ice shot through the flames and crystallized the burning Zapdos along with the flames.

"Interesting technique brother.Where did you learn that." asked Moltres, impressed by the fact that the beam froze the flames.

"It was from the great ice beast." bragged Articuno.

"Amazing." shouted Moltres, then turned around and blasted flames at Articuno.

"Gwaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!!!!!" screamed Articuno helplessly as the flames burned through his feathers, engulfing his wings causing him to plummet to the ground."Why,brother."were Articuno's last words as he fell through the clouds and onto legendary dog's battlefield.

"This is the prequel to the Third Great Pokemon war and the land must be covered in the slaughtered bodies of the weaklings.As the war will tear this planet apart." replied Moltres to the now dead Articuno.



"What is the body of Articuno, one of the three protectors of the skies doing here?"shouted Suicune in shock at the almost featherless body of Articuno lay motionless on the ground."This cannot be,without Articuno the frigid areas of the world will melt making the sea level rise and flood our land."

"You fool.It doesn't matter.The beasts will destroy this world anyway.It is no use whining about the environment." said Raikou with a hint of sadness in is voice.

"I suppose you are correct brother,this world will end soon."replied Suicune with no life in his voice and then suddenly blasted a beam of ice through the heart of Raikou."But I might as well get revenge on those who opposed me before I am destroyed.Prepare to die a slow and painful death Entei."

"How could youuuuu." retorted the voice of Raikou slowly fading away as his body crashed onto the ground at the same time as the thunder stopped rumbling.The dog of thunder was dead.

"Brother.This is not you.How could you do this t your own sibling, I take back everything good I-"roared Entei but was cut off as a blizzard of shards pierced through his body.The blood gushed out as Entei, the dog of fire, smashed into the ground as his body stiffened.Entei lay there slowly losing life as a cld wind rushed north.



In a silent graveyard,four Pokemon we're preparing for what looked like a dangerous plan.

"Hurry Celebi."sobbed a blue blob-like creature."I don't think the worlds going to have much life longer, I can sense many deaths across the land."

"I am."replied Celebi enveloped in a green glow as a time portal appeared and let out a burst of green light as twenty Celebi burst from the portal and joined the original Celebi in creating another time portal.

"Uuuh.I can't hold on much longer.Uwaaaaa!"screamed Jirachi, a yellow star like Pokemon with a wing-like split cape as the third eye on its stomach opened and emitted a bright blue beam."Hurry and make the wish, Manaphy."

"O-ok"said the sobbing Pokemon as it looked up towards the Pokemon."Umm.Are you ready Mew?"

"Yes I'm ready"said Mew floating around using it's tail as a whip.

"Ok."said Manaphy in a slightly more determined mood."Here goes.I WISH MEW HAD THE POWER TO STOP THE BEASTS FROM DESTROYING THE WORLD." The beam of light grew thinner."I WISH MEW COULD TRAVEL THROUGH TIME." The beam completely vanished.Then Mew and Celebi glowed with a green light and Celebi reset the time so it was before the second wish but Mew voided itself out of the reset which let it keep it's new powers."I WISH TO RESET THE WHOLE TIMESPAN BACK A YEAR AND A HALF."boomed Manaphy with all her might as the beam disappeared, Mew voided itself out as the time suddenly changed.The last thing Mew saw was a dying Celebi, a crying Manaphy, an asleep Jirachi and a gravestone with an deep, rough engraving saying Ricky Evans.



Chapter 1:The Shadow


"This isn't possible!" shouted a stubby man in a stained lab coat,peering through a telescope into the seemingly never ending reaches of space where a huge meteor was heading towards the planet.

"Calm down,Sylvester." said his partner, a tall man with rimless spectacles.

"Calm down?Calm down!?How can I calm down when a meteor is going to crush this world in a matter of days, try taking a look for yourself!" shouted Sylvester in a fit of rage.
The tall man took a look gasped at the size of the meteor, then he reassured his partner that while it is huge the gravitational pull of the other planets will slow it down enough so that it'll hit us at the end of the year.

"I suppose your right.But that doesn't change the fact we're going to be extinct in eight measly months!"

"I thought I told you to calm down,Didn't I?Besides we don't know anything until the supercomputer anylazes the trajectory of that meteor and our rotation around the sun." snorted the tall man as he took another look through the telescope."Oh dear god, Saturn is dissapearing!!!It's like its being eaten alive by a behemoth!!!!!"

"WHAT?!?!?!?HOW CAN SATURN DISSAPEAR?!" screamed Sylvester as he pushed his partner away like a fussy child and stared through the telescope at the now half destroyed Saturn."HOW COULD A BIG STUPID ROCK DO THIS?!"

"Be quiet." said the tall man coldly."We've been told not to increase the volume of our voices."

"Oh yes,I'm sorry Clavis" mumbled Sylvester while sadly getting down on the ground and bowing to Clavis.

"You infidel.You not only shouted top secret information at the top of your lungs but you also revealed my true name.You shall be executed for defying the laws" said Clavis eyeing Sylvester and pressing a button to call the Execution squad.

"NOOOOOOO!!!!!!"hollered Sylvester"I'll be good, I will, please, I won't break the laws, honestly, please don't execute me, I have a family!!!!!!"sobbed Sylvester as the execution squad entered, clad in what seemed to be high tech protection,guns and what seemed to be a gaunlet on their arms connected to a pokeball compartment dragged him away as if he was a bale of hay.

"Why hire such idiotic fools to do the work of geniuses." snorted Clavis as he went over to the supercomputer.

Meanwhile, in the vast outer reaches of the solar system, the enormous meteor hurtled through the cosmos, lurching closer to the planet Saturn as it's gravitational pull sucked it in.The rings were momentarily broken apart as the meteor passed through it then joined together again.As the meteor entered the planet it was trapped in a space typhoon which mysteriously vanished in a purple glow.The space rock continued through the planet being tossed about by a storm every few seconds and making the storm vanish in the same amount of time.The stars near Saturn were slowing becoming as dark as a midnight shadow then blowing apart like anti-matter, as if the energy was being sucked out of them.A faint shadow of a form could be seen within the meteor which emitted a sinister purple glow which grew more powerful with each star that Saturn was near.


The very next day......
A tall glass of shining water shook steadily as a light tremor rolled over the small but lively town of Silverlake.

"Hey, mom.Another earthquake is probably coming." shouted a boy about twelve years of age.

"Then you better hurry to school, Ricky" said Ricky's mother"Before the earthquake hits." Ricky promptly chucked some toasted in his mouth and ran out of the door with his bag.He dashed down the pathway next to Serenity Lake,the only body of water in the whole region not connected to the sea.It shimmered with the golden light of the sun as Pokemon broke the calm surface of the water to show off their diving skills, their own way of saying 'I'm the best!'.
"What a beautiful sight, sadly I have to get to school" said Ricky to himself when he suddenly noticed he still had a chunk of toast stuck in his mouth.He slowed down a little to swallow it, then dashed off.
As Ricky entered the classroom the bell rang unceremoniously.

"Sit down Mister Evans.I trust you brought your brain today?" asked his teacher,Mrs Myer, as Ricky quietly took a seat.

"Boy, that teacher sure loves to mock you" said Kyle, Ricky's best friend and the biggest loser in the school.

"Ya, she sure does" replied Ricky with a slow nod while the teacher was giving out an announcement about the school projects.

"This year's project is the history of Silverlake Town.If you don't get it in by the end of July you fail." said the teacher and wrote a big F on the blackboard.
The rest of school went through smoothly except for the working parts.
After school Ricky was walking home when he was surrounded by some of the popular kids.

"Hey,we have a deal for you" said a tall,dark kid in a black jacket."We dare you to spend an hour in the abandoned Pokemon Gym, y'know the one with the weird glowing doors?So whaddaya say?"

"What do I get for doing it,Seth?" asked Ricky.

"20 bucks and the right of hanging out with us" replied Seth.

"Fine,but only for the money,I'll be there at 5" said Ricky raising five fingers and walking away attempting to be cool.He took a glance at the eerie gym and then the magnificent lake, thinking he'd rather jump in the lake.
When he got home he started reading an old and torn copy of "The history of Silverlake Town" which was full of what it said on the cover.

The amazing Silverlake town in the Sien region was founded after the second great war where many humans and Pokemon had died.Silverlake town was meant to be a town of peace between humans and Pokemon,and it was for many years until in the year 2006,when earthquakes suddenly started occurring daily for unknown reasons,the earthquakes drove all the Pokemon away except the water Pokemon in the lake which stay there to this very day.
The earthquakes were brought under control but then the number of earthquakes started increasing causing the situation to go out of control again.The Pokemon Gym and the Pokemon Center were shut down and a new Gym was established in Lecloyse City.Trainers occasionally pass through here to catch some of the Pokemon and to go to Orinthon and Blackvale Islands respectively.Soon after losing the trainers interest and Pokemon the town had started losing its citizens as the earthquakes got bigger but the remaining citizens were joyful as if nothing had happened and this is the town that you see today.

"That was amusing and it's almost five o'clock,better head down to the gym." said Ricky quietly, putting in a bookmark on the page, then he told his mom he was going out for a walk and headed out towards the gym.The popular kids were waiting there and Seth asked Ricky of he was ready to which he nodded and then opened the door.

"Good luck.You'll need it.Hehe"said Seth then slammed the door shut.

"Hey,open up!"shouted Ricky banging on the door.

"Not until an hour is over, you crybaby." replied the kid in the jacket.

"Damn it"muttered Ricky under his breath when a mysterious sound echoed from the stairway leading to the battle area.

"Helloooo,anyone there?" shouted Ricky when the hollow sound echoed through the rooms only louder"Faaaaaaaaaaaaa!".

"Help someone.Something's attacking me. HEEEEELP!" shouted Ricky banging on the door.The popular kids were gone and there was a distant rumbling noise.

"Faaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa" The sound was now coming from right in front of Ricky, who slowly turned around to see bird-like form.He hurriedly got out a flashlight and shone it on the Pokemon which raised its wing to block the light.

"Hey, you're a Farfetch'd.How did you get here?" Ricky questioned when suddenly the room got darker and a jet black shadow appeared causing the Farfetch'd to leap into Ricky's hands.

"What are you?" asked Ricky shivering in fright.

"Kwaaaaaa!" the sound came from the shadow as it launched a shadow ball directly at Ricky.

"NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!" screamed Ricky as the sphere of ghostly energy rocketed at him.
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Old December 7th, 2008 (10:38 PM).
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Quote originally posted by shockzone:
Chapter 1: Shadow
"This isn't possible!" shouted a stubby man in a stained lab coat, peering through a telescope into the seemingly never ending reaches of space where a huge meteor was heading towards the world.


"Calm down." said his partner, a tall man with rimless spectacles.


"Calm down? Calm down!? How can I calm down when a meteor is going to crush this world in a matter of days, try taking a look for yourself!" shouted the stubby man in a fit of rage.


The tall man took a look gasped at the size of the meteor, then he reassured his partner that while it is huge the gravitational pull of the other planets will slow it down enough so that it'll hit us at the end of the year.

"I suppose your right. But that doesn't change the fact we're going to be extinct in eight (“Eight” not eighth) months!

Meanwhile, in (In doesn’t need a capital I) the outer reaches of the solar system, the enormous meteor hurtled through the cosmos. Wherever it went the stars there would darken and explode, as if the energy was being sucked out of them. A faint shadow of a form could be seen within the meteor which emitted a sinister purple glow which grew more powerful with each passing star.


The very next day......


A cool glass of water shook as a light tremor hit the small but lively town of Silverlake.
"Hey, mom. Another earthquake is probably coming." shouted a boy about twelve years of age.


"Then you better hurry to school, Ricky" said Ricky's mother "Before (New sentence. Capital letter) the earthquake hits." Ricky promptly chucked some toasted in his mouth and ran out of the door with his bag.


He dashed down the pathway next to Serenity Lake (Lake needs a capital if it’s a place), the only body of water in the whole region not connected to the sea. It shimmered with the golden light of the sun as Pokémon (Pokémon spelt with a capital P and that é thingy) broke the calm surface of the water to show off their diving skills, their own way of saying 'I'm the best!'.

"What a beautiful sight, sadly I (Capital I) have to get to school" said Ricky to himself as he slowed down a little to take in the majesty of the lake, then dashed off.


As Ricky entered the classroom the bell rang unceremoniously.
"Sit down Mister Evans. I trust you brought your brain today?" asked (Seeing as the teacher is asking him a question) the teacher as Ricky went to his desk.


"Boy, that teacher sure loves to mock you" said Kyle, Ricky's best friend and the biggest annoyance in the school.


"Ya, she sure does" replied Ricky with a slow nod. The teacher was giving out an announcement about the school projects.


"This year's project is the (Don’t need a capital) history of Silverlake Town. If you don't get it in by the end of July you fail." said the teacher and wrote a big F on the blackboard.


The rest of school went through smoothly except for the working parts. (More detail please, this is a very boring sentence)


After school Ricky was walking home when he was surrounded by some of the popular kids.
"Hey, we have a deal for you" said a kid in a black jacket. "We dare you to spend an hour in the abandoned Pokemon Gym, y'know the one (Missing word, now it makes sense) with the weird glowing doors? So whaddaya say?"


"What do I get for doing it?" asked Ricky.


"20 bucks and the right of hanging out with us" replied the jacket kid. (More of a description please)


"Fine, I'll be there at 5" said Ricky raising five fingers and walking away attempting to be cool. He took a glance at the eerie gym and then the magnificent lake, thinking he'd rather jump in the lake.


When he got home he started reading "The history of Silverlake (Typo, I’m guessing) Town" which was full of what it said on the cover. (What did it say on the cover?)


"The amazing Silverlake Town (Capital T, name of a place) in the Quesd? (Is that really the name of the region? Or is it supposed to be Quest?) region was founded after the second great war where many humans and Pokémon had died. Silverlake Town was meant to be a town of peace between humans and Pokémon, and it was for many years until in the year 2006, when earthquakes suddenly started occurring daily for unknown reasons, the earthquakes drove all the Pokémon away except the water Pokémon in the lake which stay there to this very day.


The earthquakes were brought under control but then the number of earthquakes started increasing causing the situation to go out of control again. The Pokémon Gym and the Pokémon Center were shut down and a new Gym was established in Lecloyse City (Name of place needs capital). Trainers occasionally pass through here to catch some of the Pokémon and to go to Orinthon and Blackvale Islands (Name of place) respectively. Soon after losing the trainers interest and Pokémon the town had started losing its citizens as the earthquakes got bigger but the remaining citizens were joyful as if nothing had happened and this is the town that you see today." (Did he really just read all of that out loud?)


"That was an amusing book (That couldn’t have been the entire book) and it's almost five o'clock, better head down to the gym." said Ricky quietly then told his mom he was going out for a walk and headed out towards the gym.


The popular kids were waiting there and the one with the jacket asked Ricky of he was ready to which he nodded and then opened the door.

"Good luck. You'll need it. Hehe" said the kid with the jacket then slammed the door shut.


"Hey, open up" shouted Ricky banging on the door.


"Not until an hour is over" replied the kid in the jacket.


"Damn it" muttered Ricky under his breath when a mysterious sound echoed from the stairway leading to the battle area.


"Helloooo, anyone there?" shouted Ricky when the hollow sound echoed through the rooms only louder "Faaaaaaaaaaaaa!"


"Help someone! Something's attacking me. HEEEEELP!" (Flows better) shouted Ricky banging on the door. The popular kids were gone and there was a distant rumbling noise.


"Faaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa" The sound was now coming from right in front of Ricky, who slowly turned around to see bird-like form. He hurriedly got out a flashlight and shone it on the Pokémon which raised its wing to block the light.


"Hey, you’re (You’re not you) a Farfetch'd. How did you get here?" Ricky questioned when suddenly the room got darker and a jet black shadow appeared causing the Farfetch'd to leap into Ricky's hands.


"What are you?" asked Ricky shivering in fright.


"Kwaaaaaa!" the sound came from the shadow as it launched a shadow ball directly at Ricky.


"NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!" screamed Ricky as the sphere of ghostly energy rocketed at him.
My changes in bold.

Besides all the stuff in bold, the whole chapter was all jumbled and too fast paced.
I'm not going to go off at you, seeing as this is a very unique story... it just needs to be written better.
I'm sure I missed a lot of mistakes, but I'm sure someone else will find them. =P

Oh, BTW. That bit at the top isn't a Prologue, it's just an introduction. Prologue's are as long as normal chapters and much more detailed.
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Old December 7th, 2008 (11:31 PM).
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Thanks for pointing those out.I'll go through and fix them.Is it really a unique story?
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Old December 7th, 2008 (11:35 PM).
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Quote originally posted by shockzone:
Thanks for pointing those out.I'll go through and fix them.Is it really a unique story?
It's unique in the way that, I've never read a Pokemon Fanfic about a kid who has to save the world from a meteor.
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Old December 8th, 2008 (12:08 AM).
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Quote:
That bit at the top isn't a Prologue, it's just an introduction. Prologue's are as long as normal chapters and much more detailed.
Although I agree that what he labeled as a prologue is really an introduction, I have to disagree with your definition of a prologue. A prologue basically sets the scene for the rest of the fiction, whether by foreshadow, the reflection of a character, or briefly describing events that have led up to the main plot providing that this is not a sequel. An introduction is merely a summary of what is going to happen, but told as to not give away too much of the plot.

You forgot to mention that each paragraph should have a blank line between them. You showed it in your quote, but you didn't explain that doing so is proper formatting for this forum.

Now, to review the fic itself.

The first thing I will hit on is punctuation. Throughout pretty much the entirety of this fiction, you do not place a space after a punctuation mark. When you do this, it makes the fic look messy rather than organized as it should be. An example of this is as thus:
Quote:
"This isn't possible!"shouted a stubby man in a stained lab coat,peering through a telescope into the seemingly never ending reaches of space where a huge meteor was heading towards the world.
Above is the incorrect way to do this, whereas below is the correct way.
Quote:
"This isn't possible!" shouted a stubby man in a stained lab coat, peering through a telescope into the seemingly never ending reaches of space where a huge meteor was heading towards the world.
The places where a space should have been were after the quotation marks and after the comma. As you can see, it looks neater than before. I have one other suggestion to make, and that is to replace the word "world" with "planet". It just sounds less awkward to read than "world".

I do like the description you use here, though. Not many new writers here use enough of it, and I can say that you're one of few that know how to use it.

Quote:
"Calm down."said his partner,a tall man with rimless spectacles.
You do the same thing here as you did above, but instead of a period you should have a comma. Using a comma to end dialog rather than a period is staple in American English, and most others as far as I know, except in cases where you don't continue with "said such-and-such" or a variant of that.

Quote:
"Calm down? Calm down!? How can I calm down when a meteor is going to crush this world in a matter of days! try taking a look for yourself!" shouted the stubby man in a fit of rage.
Same error as above. I also think that you should have used an exclamation mark instead of a comma to show emphasis more, but that's more of a personal opinion than a necessity.

Quote:
The tall man took a look, gasped at the size of the meteor, then he reassured his partner that while it was huge, the gravitational pull of the other planets would slow it down enough so that it would hit the planet at the end of the year.
The first correction I made was that I placed a comma after "look", since you are recounting each of these parts in a sort of list. The next mistake you made was same as above with the spacing after punctuation, but I'll try to stay away from restating that too much so it doesn't beat you over the head. Next was a switch of verb tenses, starting with "is" rather than "was", "will" rather than "would", and "it'll" rather than "it would".

Quote:
"I suppose your right. But that doesn't change the fact we're going to be extinct in eighth months!
The biggest problem I have here is that he automatically assumes that the human race is going to go extinct when the meteor hits, rather than saying something more definite like "Millions of people could die if the meteor hits!"

Also, it seems unlikely that he could tell that a meteor was going to hit the planet with just a telescope. You would need an advanced computer that could calculate the trajectory of the meteor along with the world's revolution around the sun and determine whether or not, at the current speed of both entities, their paths would meet. If there is a computer involved, then I would suggest editing it in.

Quote:
Meanwhile, in the outer reaches of the solar system, the enormous meteor hurtled through the cosmos. Wherever it went, the stars there would darken and explode as if the energy was being sucked out of them. A faint shadow of a form could be seen within the meteor which emitted a sinister purple glow which grew more powerful with each passing star.
First, the word "in" doesn't need to be capitalized. Secondly, you should have placed a comma after "went" since the independent clause is being separated by a subordinate clause. The word "there" is unneeded, and I have demonstrated where it should be absent by strikeout text. I like the metaphor in the next sentence, though. I think it does its job quite well there. The last sentence here, however, needs to be revised. You are beginning too many adverb clauses beginning with the word "which". Try to begin clauses with different words, such as "that".

Quote:
A cool glass of water shook as a light tremor hit the small but lively town of Silverlake.
Rather than "hit", I would suggest saying something like A cool glass of water shook as a light tremor rolled over the small but lively town of Silverlake.

Quote:
"Then you better hurry to school, Ricky, before the earthquake hits," said Ricky's mother "before the earthquake hits." Ricky promptly chucked some toasted in his mouth and ran out of the door with his bag. He dashed down the pathway next to Serenity lake, the only body of water in the whole region not connected to the sea. It shimmered with the golden light of the sun as pokemon broke the calm surface of the water to show off their diving skills, their own way of saying 'I'm the best!'.
I would suggest connecting the two tags of dialog you used rather than keeping them separated. Also, same mistakes as before with punctuation spacing. The last nitpick I have here is that you don't say what region this is, and instead say "the region". I have no idea what region you are alluding to, so I suggest editing that information in.

Quote:
"What a beautiful sight. Sadly, I have to get to school," said Ricky to himself as he slowed down a little to take in the majesty of the lake, then dashed off.
I think there should be a full stop, with a period, in the dialog rather than a pause, with a comma. The pronoun "I" should always be capitalized, as I have shown above. Also, a comma is needed after dialog and before the description of who said such-and-such words.

Quote:
As Ricky entered the classroom the bell rang unceremoniously.
I feel you could have described his approach to the school. You go from jumping fish to in the building with no transition. Transitions would help this seem less rushed, like I think it is meant to be. I also suggest revising the structure of this sentence. Invertion seems the best method, placing the adverb clause at the end rather than the beginning. It would look like this:
Quote:
The bell rang unceremoniously as Ricky entered the classroom.
Just looks nicer really.

The rest of the chapter follows the same basic grammar errors and whatnot, so I will just skip right to the end to avoid repeating myself.

When that ghost thing appears and uses Shadow Ball on Ricky, is that the thing that was in the meteor? If so, then how did the meteor hit the planet without killing everything and, furthermore, why was the shadow thing in the gym? I don't really get the logic here unless the meteor hasn't hit anything yet, so if I am wrong then please correct me.

Other than that, I like the concept so far. It seems interesting enough, and if you're careful about avoiding plot holes and watch punctuation a bit more carefully then I think this could turn out pretty good. I see that Xanthine is also in this thread, which means she is probably doing a review of her own as well, and if that is the case then I would advise reading through both reviews as thoroughly as possible.

Oh, I almost forgot, welcome to the Pokemon FanFiction and Poetry Forum! Just be sure to read the rules, keep writing, and don't go crazy like the rest of us have. You'll see what I mean pretty soon XD
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My FFC entry for April 2008: My Endless Loneliness
My Discontinued, Chaptered FanFiction: The Fall of Light
My current chaptered FanFiction: Affliction
My Parody of Pure Awesomeness (requires some context to fully appreciate): Sir. Aaron - A Parody
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Old December 8th, 2008 (12:26 AM). Edited December 27th, 2008 by shockzone.
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Thanks for pointing those out.
Anyway,about the story.The thing iin the gym was one of the 16 beasts creations.
And the meteor will hiy around the end of the year.
Sien is the regions name now.Quesd sounded a bit stupid.
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Old December 11th, 2008 (11:29 PM).
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I have gotten the prologue up.I hope its okay for a you know prologue
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Old December 15th, 2008 (12:13 AM). Edited December 29th, 2008 by shockzone.
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The second chapter is finally up.Please comment or ask a question.

Chapter 2:Beginning of the end


The spherical mass of spirit energy blast through the darkness of the abandoned Pokemon gym as the source of the Shadow Ball screamed hysterically and so did the the receiver.

"NOOOOOOOOOOO!!" screamed Ricky as the Shadow Ball smashed into him and Farfetch'd."Hey wait, nothing happened.Oh yeah, Farfetch'd is a normal type.Phew." Ricky looked down at the wild duck Pokemon when he suddenly bolted upwards as an ear piercing screech filled the room and the shadow disappeared in a puff of dark smoke.Ricky had inhaled the smoke and now was coughing hoarsely.

"Faaar?" asked Farfetch'd faintly.

"Huh?You want to know if I'm fine or not?" replied Ricky with a slightly puzzled look."Well.......no, not really.How long have you been here anyway?Quack the number of days you've been here." Farfetch'd promptly started quacking but as soon as it got to ten it stopped and fell fo the ground in utter exhaustion.

"Farfetch'd?Are you ok?Um..hello.....come on wake up!" shouted Ricky frantically trying to get Farfetch'd up by shaking it vigorously like a can of soda."I need help!There's a fainted Pokemon in here!Help please!" Ricky sat down in exhaustion and gently picked up Farfetch'd and placed it in his lap.

What am I going to do, I'm trapped in here with a fainted Farfetch'd and a killer shadow thing.Thought Ricky when as if on cue a rumbling sound was heard outside, getting closer and closer when another rumbling sound was heard, except this one came from the underground battle area."Hello?Anyone there?I'm trapped in here with a Farfetch'd.I need some help.Hello?" said Ricky with a tone of fear in his voice."Might as well go down to the battle area.I hope theres someone there." said Ricky as he got up then flinched at the weight of the Farfetch'd, but continued down nonetheless.As he approached the entrance to the battle area two glowing doors blocked the way.

"Why are there glowing doors down here.It's as if there made of glowing mushrooms." said Ricky poking one of the doors to find out it is disgustingly squishy."Blech.Maybe they are made of glowing mushrooms." As Ricky opened the door a loud deafening sound echoed through the room as a small shadow in the shape of a chimera slowly levitated towards Ricky.

"RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!" it's three heads shrieked in a deathly way making Ricky stagger backwards and onto the stairs.The beast suddenly charged up a ball of black and purple energy and shot it at Ricky.

"Forgive me Farfetch'd." said Ricky quietly as he hurriedly held up Farfetch'd to the glowing ball of energy which was dissipated as soon as it hit it.The beast gave out a cry and started charging up a bigger Shadow Ball."Oh god no!!" shouted Ricky as he dashed up the stairs to the entrance lobby."Help meeeeeee!!!!!!!" The scream was drowned out as the rumbling sound from outside was now exactly in front of the building.

"Someone please save me!!" screamed Ricky at the top of his lungs when the creature came out ready to launch the Shadow Ball.

"RAAAAAA!!" it gave a small but shrill scream and lauched the ball of energy at Ricky when suddenly a large cracking sound was heard and a wrecking ball burst through the gym's wall and took the full force of the Shadow Ball which left a huge dent in it.

"Hey!W'ats a 'ittle kid doin' 'ere?" said a confused looking foreman as he poked his head through the hole.A shrill cry was heard as the shadow suddenly disappeared through the crack's shadow.

"Wait a minute.Yer Martha's boy." said the foreman as he grabbed Ricky by his partially torn orange shirt and pulled him out into the open and towards his mothers house.


"Ricky Evans, march upstairs right now and change your filthy clothes.We'll have a chat before dinner, oh yes and no dinner for you either." said Martha Evans appearing to be quite cross."Where did you get that Pokemon?!It's a Farfetch'd.I thought these left two years ago!"

"I found it in the gym, it's been trapped for a while and fainted some time ago.We need to call in a nurse!" relpied Ricky with a hint of anger in his voice.

"Head up into your room young man and leave that Farfetch'd here.I will call over a nurse." said Martha Evans sternly to which Ricky sadly walked up to his room.

_______________________________________________

Later on.Ricky was searching the internet for any information for what he had seen in the gym when he found and article saying The Beast Chimeraidow.He promptly clicked on it and started reading.

This beast is one of the seventeen legendary beats that have been sealed away since the First Great Pokemon War(which will be referred to as the FGPW) which was over a hundred years ago.It is known as a Chimeraidow(pronounced Ki-meh-ray-dow)and it is the ghost beast.It has ravaged many lands and turned day to night in the first part of the FGPW where many lives were lost.

Chimeraidow's have a unique yet drastically short way of life.The origin of the Chimeraidow is unknown but it's way of life has been studied.Chimeraidow's are born in groups of seven at exactly the same time and then start fighting with their siblings for exactly forty-five minutes and at the end of the forty-five minutes their remains one baby Chimeraidow, if their are more they die out.Once a Chimeraidow has won a fight it destroys the remains of the eggs and lay seven more.A Chimeraidow grows larger quite quickly during it's thirty-nine day lifespan, once it's a day away from it's death it weakens considerably allowing it to be caught in a pokeball, though it requires a massive amount of effort and therefore it has never been done and also because the Chimeraidow would die the next day as well.When the parent dies the babies hatch and the process starts all over again.

Chimeraidow's cannot stand light so they move through shadows, though an day old Chimeraidow can create a small shadow that can pass through light but dies in a minute.The only known way to kill a Chimeraidow is by waiting until the second last day and then going into the Chimeraidow's lair and camping out in front of it, make sure to have a light source that shall last you a day or more or else you're dead.Once the next day comes you must be ready as the babies will hatch then move closer to you for exactly a second during which you shouldn't move or even blink, then the babies will dash back and start their fight.You can move during these forty-five minutes but do not do something to attract their attention because if you do they will stay glued to you for the whole forty-five minutes which causes all seven to remain and then spread over the world.After the forty-five minutes are over there will be two Chimeraidow remaining for a second which causes them to disappear.If there are more than two Chimeraidow's they will fly across the world and create more new nests.This beast is both fascinating and deadly, mainly the latter.
Click here to learn about the Chimeraidow's rival beast, Kinestroy.


Ricky clicked the link which led him to another website with pictures of a four armed deep purple masked beast with a large rod and weird inscriptions all over it.Ricky started reading the passage of text beneath it.


The Kinestroy is the psychic beast of the circle of seventeen beasts.Not much is known about the Kinestroy except that it is the rival of the beast Chimeraidow, it starts to move towards the beast Chimeraidow after it senses it came out of it's lair and we also know how to kill it.To kill a Kinestroy is extremely hard as a knew one is born every thousand years.Kinestroy's a born at their full size which is over a hundred feet.Six days after it's birth the Kinestroy creates a luminous orb holding a baby Kinestroy which becomes impenetrable after a day.The Kinestroy caries a rod around that is of infinite length but the size of a needle, it uses it's psychic powers to keep the rod at a fairly large size and thicker.To kill a Kinestroy you have to confront it and have dark Pokemon attack it while its making the luminous orb, then have a few Pokemon hold the rod to the orb and use a dark attack on it which breaks through the psychic hold and pierces the orb causing the Kinestroies and the rod to disappear into nothing.If a Kinestroy and Chimeraidow meet they will destroy each other and the world.Kinestroy's are said to reside at Pearl Mountain in the Aftergrounds, though that is not believed by many.


What have I done.I've set free a monster-no two monsters into the world.I've doomed this land.Thought Ricky as the realization of terror loomed over him.He caused two ancient beasts to Rise just by opening a door.A glowing door.A stupid glowing door.
Wait, the article mentioned the Aftergrounds.There that place for trainers who have defeated the elite four and one the championship tournament.I have to right this wrong.I have to become a trainer and save this world.I have to.


"It'll be ok." said a soft voice in the form of Nurse Joy from the Clearbell City Pokemon center.

"Thank you.You have saved this little Pokemon from dying." replied Martha Evans, caressing the now sleeping and fully healed Farfetch'd with a new leek in its hand.

"I'll be going now.Thank you for notifying me." said the nurse and walked out the door to a Pokemon ambulance.She got on board as a Chansey and the driver greeted her and they set off down the road back to Clearbell City.

"Poor Pokemon.Luckily Ricky saved it." pondered Martha out loud."Oh yes.Ricky Get down here about our talk!!!!!"

_______________________________________________

The wind blew through the open window as the gleam of the computer screen shined upon the bed where Ricky was sleeping.
His eyes opened suddenly and he got out of bed.Quietly opening the door he tiptoed outside into the corridor.He silently made his way to his dad's old study.wiping away the dust that flew down on him when he opened the door he went to his father's desk and rummaged through his drawers.

Why did you have to pass on dad.I miss you.Thought Ricky as he found what he was looking for.A Pokedex.It was a slightly old model but with a built in touch screen, music player, infer red scan device, wireless communication system, built just like a computer, built in voice and extensive information on over five hundred Pokemon and even more.
Ricky activated the pokedex function and scrolled through it.He saw all kinds of Pokemon in 3D models but there were a few missing here and there.

"This thing is awesome!"said Ricky.He then motioned to grab a few pokeballs off the shelf."To bad dad released all his Pokemon after retiring."He picked up six and then took a pen and paper and quickly jotted down a note to his mom saying that he was leaving for his Pokemon journey, then grabbed the Pokedex and pokeballs and went back to his room.

I have to hurry.Thought Ricky as he stuffed ll his belongings into his school bag and threw out all the school papers, he then hurriedly rushed downstairs and was about to leave when he remembered he needed one more thing.A Pokemon.

"Wake up."said Ricky as he pushed Farfetch'd from is small makeshift bed.

"Faffaa?"said Farfetch'd half asleep.

"I need you to come with me as my Pokemon." replied Ricky quite fast.

"Fwaaafwaaa!" said Farfetch'd shaking his head and making a cross sign with his winglike fingers.Ricky thought for a moment then replied that he'll get to save the world which still didn't make Farfetch'd budge.

"Hmmmmm......wait a minute!Would you rather stay here or roam the world outside." said Ricky expectantly.
Memories about it's flock flooded into Farfecth'd's mind, reminding him of all the good times he had with his flock, everone in the flock and some outsiders were treated like they were true family instead of being treated like friends.

"Umm..did you lose someone special to you?" said Ricky interrupting Farfetch'd's daydream when it suddenly started crying.
"Whats wrong, do you miss something?"

"Fwahha." replied Farfeftch'd as it rubbed the tears off with his wings.

"Is it someone special?" asked Ricky unknowingly.Farfetch'd nodded furiously as more tears ran down his cheek.
"Were they really close to you, like you know." asked Ricky again which prompted Farfetch'd to think of the possibilities then sadly sway his head from side to side.
"Was it your family?." asked Ricky again quieter.Farfetch'd nodded as he wiped his face with his wings.
"Would you like to see the again?" asked Ricky with a bit of cheeriness.

"Fwafwa!" said Farfetch'd who had suddenly undergone a lightning fast mood change to being happy.

"Okay then come along on my journey and will find your family while we travel across Sien." replied Ricky who was now in a more lighthearted mood.

"Farr." said Farfetch'd and then eagerly pressed the release button on one of the Pokeballs on Ricky's belt and got sucked in via energy transfer and the Pokeball clicked shut as the Pokedex turned on and relayed it information."Farfetch'd.No. 83 in National Dex.Stats are below Average.Overall rating Bad."

"That wasn't very nice, don't worry though.I'll train you to become strong." said Ricky disregarding the Pokedex's statement.Then he slowly opened the door and closed it behind him and dashed out towards the iron gate that separates Silverlake town from route 601.
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Old December 19th, 2008 (12:12 AM).
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Chapter 3:The Other


A deep mist surrounds the small grassy plains of Route 601 as a silhouette of a boy and a Farfetch'd can be seen quietly pacing through the mist.

"It's pretty cold today.I better put on a jacket." said Ricky as he stopped and flung the bag off his shoulders and trust his arm into it to grab out a white jacket with sky blue lining."This'll do." He put on the Jacket and grabbed his bag only to see that his Farfetch'd had snuck into it and was curling itself up in what seemed to be a bit of a painful manner.

"Are you okay?"said Ricky with a hint of worry in his voice.

"Fwarrrrrrr..." replied Farfetch'd, shivering in fright and the chill.

"Okay.I'll put you back in your Pokeball." said Ricky and picked a Pokeball from his belt and pointed it at Farfetch'd and pressed the small circular button on it causing it to click open and transfer Farfetch'd into energy and spiral him inside and then lock tight.

Ricky then went on his way through the barren grassy plains as howls and screeches echoed through the night.The sounds were followed by mysterious eyes that peered at the young trainer who unknowingly passed by.

"I wonder if there are any good wild Pokemon here.Probably not, but might as well check." mumbled Ricky to himself then flipped out his Pokedex and activated the scan function which scanned the area for any signs of Pokemon life.The gadget emitted a beep as the voice function activated and stated "Scan complete.Pokemon in hundred feet radius are Tangela, Rattata, Pidgey, Mankey and Poliwag.Pokemon found in this Route but not near us is Smeargle."

"The most promising is Pidgey.So I'll have to search, though they're probably asleep." said Ricky and started too look around for any signs of a Pidgey.The mysterious eyes disappeared when he turned around to look in their direction.

A sudden yelp coursed through the air, causing Ricky to turn around in surprise, only to be greeted by nothing.

"Maybe I was hallucinating.Yeah thats right." said Ricky attempting to relax.
A sudden pain erupted through his limbs as he was locked in place with his hands facing the side as if he was chained against the air.

"What the." said Ricky trying to wrench his arms free from the mysterious force holding it in place. "Help.Someone please help me.Help!"
Two dark purple claws emerged from thin air in front of Ricky followed by a Jacko'lantern shaped eyes and mouth on a floating head with three purple spikes erupting on each side.

"Haunterr." It growled in a feminine way as it touched the tip of its right claw on Ricky's chin as if about to execute him. "Hau." it said accusingly as it slid it's claw down the chin and towards the neck.

"Ghost Pokemon must really hate me." said Ricky as the haunter was ready to stab the claw through Ricky's windpipe when a sudden green glow surrounded it and it disappeared as mysteriously as it had come.Ricky's hands dangled down as he regained his movement and quickly dashed away.



Far away a boy about the age of fourteen hurriedly dashed towards the Pokemon Center in Timbalodge City carrying a wounded Crobat in his hands.As he neared the Pokemon Center a gust of wind blew against him and made his green zip-up jacket flip up and reveal a horrible red wound surrounded by bandages on his partially torn black shirt.

"Gahhh!" the boy screamed as the wind coursed through his partly open wound.
He came to a stop, panting heavily as he slowly entered the Pokemon Center and dropped down on the ground.

"Oh no.This boy is deeply wounded, get him to a hospital quickly while I take care of this poor Crobat!" shouted Nurse Joy as she hurriedly picked up the Crobat and ran into the ER as her Chansey picked up the boy and carried him to the nearest hospital.


A few hours later.

"Wha!Where am I?!" shouted the boy as he jumped out of his hospital bed only to find out that his wound was aching horribly."UwaaaaaaAAAHHHHH!" screamed the boy at the top of his lungs as thunder echoed through the room.

"Calm down.Calm down.You're at the Timbalodge national hospital.You're said to have fainted from over exhaustion and have a deep wound." said the doctor sitting beside him, obviously stunned at how the boy managed to get up in his state."You're fully healed except for your umm...scar.We were just keeping you here for the money..er...your safety."

"Whatever.I have to see if Crobat is okay." said the boy and put on his black shirt and green jacket and jeans and tore off the hospital robe underneath and quickly put on his shoes and dashed away down the corridor as the doctor stared in awe.A blanket was covering his nameplate, all that could be seen was a D.


At the Pokemon Center the doors slid open with a cheery ring as the boy dashed in with his hand on his stomach, where the wound was, he rang the bell at the counter and the nurse turned around to greet him.

"Oh hello.You're the boy that had to go to the hospital.How did you get better so quickly?" asked the nurse with a half puzzled expression.

"I'm used to it.Now where's my Crobat." replied the boy impatiently.

"Here you are.But don't work it to hard.We also found an overdose of power boosting drugs in it.Be careful, you're Pokemon should be treated as friends and not as machines." replied the nurse quite sternly when a sudden rumble filled the room and a roar could be heard.

A jagged rock burst from the ground and through the plush red sofa surrounded by the carpet.The ground began to shake and a fissure erupted from the ground as magma started pouring out.

"Guraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!" roared a giant creature that had burst forth from the ground.It was lobster-like and had strange markings on it that were glowing blue.It's metallic teeth gleamed with the heat from it's oddly shaped scales.

"It's Groudon." said a trainer when suddenly the Groudon turned towards them and sent a blast of fire at them, burning them to a crisp.

"Guraaaaaaa!" screamed the Groudon as it swayed its head back and forth like a pendulum and stomped its feet on the ground.
A gleam of light erupted through the dark night sky as a fake sun was formed and it shone above the Pokemon Center as Groudon basked in it's heat.

"Go and destroy that Groudon." shouted the boy as he threw out five Pokeballs which sent out a Raichu, Electivire, Cacturne, Manetric and Lanturn respectively.

"Lanturn use Rain Dance.The rest of you attack Groudon!" shouted the boy as Lanturn started to wiggle it's tail causing the sun to be blinded out by Grey clouds which made it pour with rain.Raichu's tail glowed a shiny silver and grew into a sword-like shape which it slashed at Groudon with who was about to retaliate when it was smashed into the ground by a glowing Electivire surrounded in swirling purple energy, causing the Pokemon Center to collapse in the process.

"Save everyone, Manetric." shouted the boy as a blue dog with a bright yellow mane crackling with electricity dashed at him and picked him up and took him outside at nearly lightning speed and continued this process until everyone was out and the building collapsed.

"Good, now attack the Groudon with all your might." said the boy and as if on cue the Manetric charged the air around it creating a charged aura like substance around it as it dashed towards Groudon and slammed into it's right leg causing it to topple over.A bright greenish-white beam then blasted Groudon square in the chest making it's eyes and glow go dim.

"This is my only chance." said the boy and unlatched an Ultra ball from his belt and chucked it at the humongous beast as it was sucked into the orb, which blew apart seconds later, allowing a second orb except purple with two small bumps on it to hit the beast and suck him inside, the orb flew back to it's owner.Nurse Joy.

"Why didn't you tell me you had a Master Ball!?It could have saved me from battling." screamed the boy in the Nurse's ear.

"It was to be saved only for emergencies." replied the nurse shrugging.

"You think that this isn't an emergency?!" shouted the boy back as the quarreling continued into the droopy night.
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Old December 27th, 2008 (03:25 PM). Edited December 28th, 2008 by shockzone.
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The sideways V marks mark the beginning and end for Pokemon speech and please comment or post.


Chapter 4:Assaulted

The golden glow of the morning sun burst through the fog that surrounded the forest that lead into the docks.Ricky was lying down on the ground, cushioned by an array of leaves and twigs and his bag lying beside him.
Five small Pokeballs strapped to his belt, one of which that had a small figure in it that was shaped like a small brown duck with three feathers jutting from its head which bore a dark black V shape, a short little beak and carrying a leek with its hand-like wings.

"Wow. It sure is beautiful today.Kind of makes you feel like you have no worries in this world...or about this world." sighed Ricky as he nonchalantly stared into the early morning sky."Well I have a world to save and its not gonna do it on it's own." He got up and brushed the foliage of his clothes and then picked up his ochre bag and pulled out his Pokedex and activated the map feature.

"Searching location." said the Pokedex in a very stiff and robotic voice."Location is Route 601 woods leading into the docks." The screen then lit up with two options asking if Ricky wanted directions to the docks.
Ricky tapped his finger on yes and the screen then changed to an arrow pointing north.

"Well.I guess we go that way." said Ricky as he started walking where the arrow was pointing when he abruptly stopped and took out a Pokeball and tossed it into the air where it opened it's two halves and released Farfetch'd then quickly screwed itself shut and returned into Ricky's hand who placed it back onto his belt.

"Far Far!" shouted Farfetch'd joyfully while stretching it's wings.

"So you ok?" asked Ricky partially worried.

"Faaar!" replied the Farfetch'd as he furiously nodded.

"That's good.Now lets get going." said Ricky content with the fact his Pokemon was okay and then beckoned Farfetch'd to follow as he walked northward when the Pokedex gave a ping and notified Ricky to turn left into the small clearing.
Ricky swerved to his left and walked forwards through a collections of bushes and into a small clearing just like the Pokedex said.

"This thing is good." said Ricky as he stared at the Pokedex in his hand."I wonder if there's any Pokemon around." Moving his gaze to the surrounding trees when he spotted a small Pidgey resting on a branch.
"Hey look, a Pidgey.Farfetch'd go and attack it with err..." said Ricky confused and then looked at his Pokedex and asked for a move list for Farfetch'd.

"Sorry.Current version does not include Move Database." replied the Pokedex in the same robotic voice except it sounded sad.

"What a rip off!They put in a voice activated function and even a computer but not a stupid Move Database!" shouted Ricky with utmost disgust at the Pokedex."Farfetch'd just use whatever you can."

"Fwarr." grunted Farfetch'd in approval and closed it's eyes to concentrate as its beak glew white and started to elongnate but then failed."Fwaaaaaa." As it dangled its head in dissapointment.

"It's ok.Just slap it with your leek." groaned Ricky in frustration though he knew he was just taking out his anger on his Pokemon.

"FWAAAA!" shouted Farfetch'd as it dashed towards the Pidgey and then jumped up and whacked it with it's leek hard.

"Pyiiiiiiiiiiiiiii!" screeched the Pidgey as realization hit Farfetch'd and it attempted to jump down from the branch when the distress call was heard by the nearby Pokemon and it flew straight at Farfetch'd and delivered an Aerial Ace to it's forehead.

"FWAAAAA!!!" screamed Farfetch'd as the sharp beak of the attacker drilled into it's head like a bullet sending it crashing down to the ground in pain.

"NOOO!!" shouted Ricky and scrambled to return the pokemon but he was to late as the attacking Pokemon jumped infront of Ricky to block the returning beam.
"Don't hurt my pokemon or me, please." pleaded Ricky as the beam receded back into his pokeball like nothing happened.
The Pokemon infront of Ricky squawked and flew up preparing to strike, it's light red ribbon like crest had started swaying in the wind created by it's quikly flapping wings.

"Pokemon Identified as Pidgeotto." said the Pokedex, distracting Ricky when suddenly the Pidgeotto swooped down and grabbed Ricky with it's talons and lifted him up and with great effort started flying away slowly.

"I guess a Pidgeotto is to weak to carry me but that isn't stopping it.Farfetch'd can you try to get help?" said Ricky out loud as he struggled to free himself from the grip of the bird.

"Far." shouted Farfetch'd and then squealed in the same way the pidgey had just done.
Farfetch'd frantically looked around after his call for distress waiting for a reply when he heard a small ruffle in the bushes.

"<Hello?>" said Farfetch'd looking expectantly at the bushes."<Is anyone there?>"
The ruffling grew louder as a small creamy bulb shaped head appeared followed by a pair of wide eyes surrounded by a thick black outline.

"<Hiyas!>" said the head cheerfully "<Are you the one who sent the distress call?>"

"<Your a Smeargle.How can you possibly help, all you know is sketch.>" replied Farfetch'd sceptially."<But yes, I called for help>"

"<Okay then.Smeargle to the rescue.>" shouted the Smeargle, popping out of the bushes and taking a triumpant stance, tough it's tongue hanging out from it's mouth ruined the effect.

"<Okay then.My trainer got captured by that Pidgeotto there.Go save him.>" said Farfetch'd impatiently.

"<Fear not for I am coming.>" said Smeargle and then grabbed it's paintbrush shaped tail that had a smidge of green paint on it and glanced at the Pidgeotto and then wrote the word "Fly" in the air which where then absorbed into his body.

"<Okie dokie.Let's go>" said Smeargle and then started to flap his arms as he ascended into the air and then sot off towards the Pidgeotto, all while Farfetch'd stood there staring in awe at what had just happened then dashed off to where Smeargle was going.


The Pidgeotto was slowly ascending into the air but it grew tired with every flap.
Suddenly it was rammed into on it's back and hurtled towards the ground while Ricky screamed in alarm.The bird crashed down as the trainer lay sprawled across the ground on his back.

"Owwwwww." muttered Ricky as he attempted to get up when a small dull cream coloured figure landed on him.

"<I wonder where that trainer is?>" said Smeargle as he searched the area when he heard a sudden groan and noticed the boy under him."<Oh goodie.You must be the trainer that Farfetch'd was yapping about.>"

"Huh?" mumbled Ricky confusedly when a harsh wind blew the Smeargle off him.

"<You shall pay for attacking my food.>" roared the Pidgeotto and sent another gust flying at Smeargle who hurriedly tried to scribble it down in the air but was to late as the attack hit him.

"<Gwauuugh>" shouted the Smeargle as he was sent flying backwards into Farfetch'd who had just arrived on the scene.

"What the heck." shouted Ricky who had just gotten up and was shielding himself from the wind then he turned around to see Farfetch'd and Smeargle, both lying on the dirt almost knocked out.

"Hey it's Farfetch'd, and a hurt Smeargle.maybe I could catch it." He unclipped a Pokeball from his belt and then threw it at Smeargle who was wrapped in it's glow then sucked in and shook before emitting a ping.Ricky went over and pickeed up the Pokeball and then tried to wake up Farfecth'd as the wind suddenly stopped.

"That's bette-" Ricky was cut off as he was smashed into by a tackle and sent toppling over.

"Fwarr?" muttered Farfetch'd as he got up when he saw the large bird hovering over him."Fwaaaaa!!!" Farfetch'd gave a scream and slammed his leek down
on Pidgeotto's head which had no effect.

"Pyuuiiiiii." said the Pidgeotto and then slammed into Farfetch'd with a tackle sending it flying, only to be caught by a Pokeball's beam.

"Okay.Now you've asked for it." said Ricky angrily as the energy form of Farfetch'd was sucked into his Pokeball."Go Smeargle!" He threw up the Pokeball but it turned to face him and split open as the white light shot out to release Smeargle but it hit Ricky and enveloped him and transfered him into energy and sucked him inside the Pokeball.

"Pyu?" said the Pidgeotto as the Pokeball firmly shut.The Pokemon then grabbed the Pokeball and then few off towards the sea.
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Old December 30th, 2008 (05:48 PM). Edited January 9th, 2009 by shockzone.
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Chapter 5:A Utopia for Danger

The magnificent sea swayed with the cold wind and glimmered with the light reflected of the late morning sun as water Pokemon broke the surface of the somewhat pleasant sea.A cream colored bird with half brown wings and a flowing ribbon like head ornament flew over the water Pokemon as the stared at what was in it's talons, a half red half white sphere with a a small circular button in the center.

The sphere had a dull cream colored creature inside it, its long tail was swaying about angrily as the green substance on it's tip was flying here and there.The creatures large rounded eyes were shut and it was flailing about causing it's tongue to do the same as its tail was doing.There was a small cream colored ornament on its head which looked like a cross between a barre and a dollop of dull paint which covered the part where it's dog like ears joined it's head.
Inside the actual containment area of the Pokeball was a much more confused atmosphere.

There was seemingly nothing but clear white space, not a speck of anything else except for a Pokemon that looked exactly like the figurine depicted inside the Pokeball and a young boy with ruffled brown hair and an orange shirt, a white jacket with blue lining and a pair of jeans.

"Whats going on here!" shouted Ricky frantically looking around himself at the giant white void they were in."And why can I stand here if theres nothing to support me!?"
Aiming a glare at the other occupant of the void, a Smeargle.

"Maybe the Pokeball hit you and sucked you inside." replied the Smeargle while making a silly hand motion of a Pokeball hitting Ricky and capturing him followed by a hillbilly like laugh which disgusted Ricky by all means due to to the fact the Pokemon's tongue was sticking out..

"No, I captured you and then tried to send you out but the Pokeball aimed at me and here I am!" replied Ricky with a slightly irritated tone in his voice.

"Oh so thats what happened...Wait you CAPTURED ME!" screamed the Smeargle as he followed with a jaw drop which looked equally as disgusting as the laugh."You can't do that.I was hurt by a different Pokemon!I'll have to hurt you painfully now."
It hung its head then suddenly lifted it's arms to shoulder height and rose up clumsily then darted at Ricky.

"Go Farfetch'd use whatever you can!" shouted Ricky as he tossed a Pokeball in the air which Farfetch'd erupted from but then stopped and froze in midair as the Pokeball began to fizz and everyone was enveloped in a bright light as they were sucked into Farfetch'd's Pokeball.

"Whaaaaaaaaa!" shouted Ricky as he was sucked in accompanied by his Pokemon and their screams as the Pokeball clicked shut with it's occupants safely inside.


The white space in Farfetch'd's Pokeball fizzed as it's occupants were blurred into reality and landed on the ground with a thud.

"Oww." groaned Ricky as he massaged his backside."Where are we anyway?"
He looked around at the white space around him when he was interrupted by his Pokemon partner who had just slapped him with his leek.

"You idiot!You sent me out from a Pokeball while we were in a Pokeball!You do know that the security system will activate now!" growled Farfetch'd as he glared at his trainer in anger and disappointment and as if on cue the white space began to morph into a rugged, deserted island in the middle of a Grey sea.

"What the heck is going on here!?!" shouted Ricky as the water level lowered revealing more of the island."And why is the ground black?!"

"It's the security system.The system creates a random landscape from a small amount of stored files." replied Farfetch'd droopingly hanging his head and then motioned to the red squares with yellow dots in them that had just appeared and were now joining lines from there corners to form a net."These are the actual security system.Pokemon emerge from these squares but are only virtual and cannot go out of there respective hexagon." A Machop then emerged from an adjacent hexagon and had attempted to run at the trio but stopped by the lines at the edge of the hexagon.

"Just one thing." asked Ricky inquisitively.

"And whats that?" replied Farfetch'd with his wings folded across his chest.

"How can I understand your speech?" asked Ricky quite confused and scratching the back of his head.

"It's the Pokeballs function system.When every being captured goes in to the Pokeball they pass through the management grid which activates a protocol in the system which translates all speech into the one that is currently being used by the Pokedex." replied Farfetch'd with a know-it-all look on his face.

"And how do you know all this?" asked Ricky attempting to understand Farfetch'd's short speech.

"This...happened to me before." replied Farfetch'd looking very down."My trainer was trapped but managed to get out and then read all these books about Pokeballs and then went into the Pokeball again so I asked him how he knew so much and that's how I know this stuff."

"Oh...what happened to your tra-" Ricky was cut short as a bone struck him on the side of his head and knocked him out cold.The bone spun back to it's owner.A small yellow dinosaur like creature with a large skull covering it's face.

"It's a Marowak!We have to defeat it." shouted Farfetch'd as the Marowak prepared for another Bonemarang.

"I got it." said Smeargle as he grabbed his tail and started writing "Bonemarang" in the air."There we go!" He said as he finished of the G and then the letters were absorbed into his body.
"Whoopdedoo." said Smeargle joyfully and then took the same pose as Marowak and closed his eyes to focus on his right hand in which a bony shape was appearing out of thin air but before he could finish the preparation Marowak threw his bone around Smeargle and smashed him in the head.

"Guwahhh." groaned Smeargle as he fell t the cold black ground.

"Uh oh.This is real bad." said Farfetch'd looking from Marowak to SMeargle who was struggling to rise up and then at Ricky who had almost managed to sit up.
"It's gonna aim for me next!" shouted Farfetch'd who was clearly breaking down under pressure.

"Get Smeargle up." said Ricky causing Farfetch'd to spin around and look at him."Hurry."Rubbing the back of his head Ricky reached into his pocket as he noticed the Marowak.

"Get up." said Farfetch'd slapping Smeargle with its leek.

"Okay I'm up.Stop hitting me!" said Smeargle as he got up on his feet while rubbing his sore cheek.

"I wonder what data the Pokedex has on that Pokemon." said Ricky, who then accidentally pressed the randomize button on the Pokedex which began reading out the data of a Scorpion like Pokemon with pupil less eyes and large black wings"Hey I didn't want to read this!

"Name of Pok........." started the Pokedex but suddenly stopped and then started shocking Ricky with a green light as a cord came out and attached itself to Ricky's arm.
"Trainer Identified.Beginning DNA download." The Pokedex began to make whirring sounds as the cord attached to Ricky's arm started to pour something into Ricky who was shouting in pain.

"Ooooo.Shiny red thing!" said Smeargle suddenly and then dashed at The Pokedex and grab it which unlatched the cord and caused Ricky to cry out in pain even louder.The Pokedex stopped whirring but then started again and the cord was jabbed into Smeagles head and sent in smaller tubes to attach to his brain.

"Trainer Identity not found. Canceling DNA Download...MALFUNCTION! STARTING KNOWLEDGE BASE DOWNLOAD." said the Pokedex suddenly and then began to download the Pokemon info database into Smeargle's brain cells.The Pokedex flew through the info pages of every Pokemon seen and moved all data in them into Smeargle's brain until there was nothing left but two Pokedex entries on Farfetch'd and Smeargle.

"What's happening!?" shouted Ricky as he watched the cord unlatch from Smeargle's head and along with the Pokedex fall to the ground."And why isn't that Pokemon attacking us?" Pointing at the Marowak.

"It seems that all the data in the Pokedex has now been stored in Smeargle's brain cells and the Pokemon in this virtual world only respond to threatening movements made by their enemies."

"Ok." said Ricky bewildered at what just happened and then scampered over slowly towards his Pokedex and lifted it up to discover it was off and no amount of prying open the flap or pushing the buttons could turn it back on.

"Th-That m-must mean S-Smeargle is a living Pokedex." said Ricky while shakily pointing a finger at Smeargle.

"Yes it seems so that I have gained all knowledge of the registered Pokemon in the Pokedex and now my brain can act like a Pokedex and reproduce any data or produce any data stored or found.That also gives me the ability to store all attacks I learn with my sketch move." replied Smeargle in a refined and formal voice.

"Thank you my dear boy.Now I have a goal in life.I shall learn every move I am capable of learning and master them.I now accept your offer to accompany you on your quest." said Smeargle heartily shaking Ricky's hand who was still bewildered but now happy that he had found a new recruit for his team.

"Shall we battle?" asked Smeargle turning around to face Farfetch'd.

"Let's go!" replied Farfetch'd and then they both faced Marowak while Ricky was fiddling with his now off Pokedex.

The Marowak sent a Bonemarang heading in Farfetch'd's direction who tried to block it with his leek but failed and got blasted away and smashed into the coal black ground.

"Eat this." shouted Smeargle and then flew up high and darted towards Marowak who had now reclaimed his Bonemarang.It toppled over as Smeargle smashed into it's stomach at full force and then was whacked on it's head by it's own bone which had been picked up by Smeargle.

"Take this!" shouted Smeargle as he smashed the bone onto the skull's forehead and caused it to crack, but before they could see Marowak's true face it disappeared.

"Thats that." said Smeargle wiping the dust of his arms.

"Hey, I noticed something." said Ricky who had just finished tampering with his now off Pokedex.

"And what is that sir?" replied Smeargle wiping his face with the back of his hand.

"Your tongue isn't out anymore." replied Ricky pointing at Smeargle's mouth.

"Of course.I'm more civilized now." replied Smeargle with an irritated sigh.

"We better go help Farfetch'd up." said Ricky walking away towards the area where Farfetch'd had landed."Oh no.He's being attacked by a Pokemon."

"Thats bad!Especially since he's retaliating." replied Smeargle staring at the line that separated them from the Hexagon Farfetch'd was in.

"Help me." said Farfetch'd as he was thrown to the edge of the hexagon.

"Don't worry we-" Smeargle was cut short as he and Ricky were suddenly being covered in a fine orange and yellow powder causing them to become paralyzed and fall to the ground staring at the beady eyes of their attackers.
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Old January 7th, 2009 (06:51 PM).
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Chapter 6urvival of the Fittest

The deathly red glares in the beady eyes of their attackers sent chills down Ricky and Smeargle's spines who were struggling to see what they were doing to Farfetch'd but their efforts were in vain for they were paralyzed which was not allowing them to move a muscle.

The Pokemon above them shifted their gaze to east of their current location towards a large blue globe structure submerged halfway in the virtual water.

Ricky felt a horrible searing pain in his left arm as an arm made of sludge dragged him across the cold black ground.He was trying to break the silence with a scream of pain but his paralyzed body kept stiff while the pain continued to get worse.

"Guahhhhhhh!" The horrid screech filled the air, it seemed to be coming from where Farfetch'd was.Ricky hoped that Farfetch'd would be okay when another scream pierced the air followed by muffled tones and a cry for help.

We'll be trapped in here forever if we can't free ourselves thought Ricky as he attempted to kick his attacker only to be stopped by the force of the parylysis.
He gave a blank look at Smeargle who was in the same position as him except was being dragged by a chubby dark blue form with such small eyes you could wonder how they could actually see especially because the large flower on it's head probably blocked most of it's vision.

What cures paralysis? Ricky asked himself in his head while he continued to endure the acidic sting in his left arm.Wait a minute!If I'm right about this that purple flower-headed Pokemon must have used stun spore which can be washed off. Remembering the start of all this when the orange powder rained down on them.Now all they needed was a water source.

Clank!


The flower Pokemon stumbled into the globe through a small circular door with it's small stubby legs and then grabbed Smeargle's head and pulled him in which the sludge Pokemon did the same to Ricky and then shut the door into the globe.

What's going on here?!Oh wait...Water! Mused Ricky in his head when he noticed a bunch of small red squares like the ones on the island then he forced his eyes to Smeargle who's face was squished against the glass and noticed the squares too.

Didn't Farfetch'd say that any hostile movements cause the virtual Pokemon to attack. Thought Ricky while concentrating to see what Pokemon was forming from the hexagon of squares beneath them.

A white shape had appeared and then contracted into a small oval like body with two large antennae with with what looked like over sized orange teardrops at their tips.
Suddenly a small motor like whirring sound was heard from Ricky's far left and the globe began to sink underwater, closer and closer to the small circular form.

Ricky then started to struggle as they got closer to the small blue oval Pokemon which now had two tiny fins protruding from it's sides.Ricky tried to push himself up from the ground but couldn't due to the paralysis though his plan was set into motion due to the fact that he was gripped by a pair of sludgy hands and pulled up then smashed into the glass which had seemingly been reinforced on the inside.

The Pokemon in the hexagon looked up to see what had just entered it's hexagon and saw Ricky smashed into the globe's inside face first, this was counted as hostile activity so the Pokemon started charging a small amount of electricity in it's antennae and then released it around itself and charged forward through the water and into the globe.For a second everything was blinded by a white and yellow flash but the a small cracking sound was heard followed by the breaking of the globe as everything was visible again.

Smeargle and Ricky painfully got up, the latter clutching his left arm as the water forced it's way around them as the last pieces of the globe were gone.
When a sudden flash emitted throughout the body of water as the two looked down to see the Pokemon that had just saved them was now charging up a large amount of electricity in it's bulbous antennae.Ricky turned around to face Smeargle who was writing down the words "Thunder wave" and sudden realization hit him that if that Pokemon were to strike them with that attack they'd be done for as they would sink to the bottom of the sea.

Smeargle then whipped back his tail to it's normal position and then began to rub his hands together faster and faster creating a small charge form his palms while Ricky looked on in amazement as he and Smeargle slowly sunk closer to the dangerous electricity emitting from the antennae.

Smeargle clapped his palms together and then aimed at the large yellow eyes of the Pokemon which had plus sign on each of them and then opened his palms up and shot a bolt of electricity at them and charred it's right eye to which it had no reaction to for some reason but Smeargle wasn't going to find out why as he grabbed Ricky and then started to swim towards the surface when he was attacked by a bolt of lightning from behind but managed to get out of the way in time.
Smeargle then flipped Ricky on to his back and then raised his arms and started flapping them as the attacking Pokemon drew closer and closer when he suddenly zoomed out of sight and up into the sky above the island.

"What's going on!!" shouted Ricky as he hung on for dear life as Smeargle arched this way and that through the nonexistent clouds.

"It seems I just saved our lives.All thanks to that Pidgeotto." replied Smeargle as he began arching down to prepare for landing.

"What do you meaaaaaannnn!" screeched Ricky as Smeargle shot down towards the island as if he was bullet."You're going to KILL us!" shouted Ricky in Smeargle's ear to which the Pokemon howled in pain and went off course and sent spiraling down into a bunch of trees near where the globe was on land.

"Oh dear god.That was painful." muttered Smeargle as he rubbed his now red snout which had landed on a pile of cracked rocks.

"I can't believe I survived that fall.I wonder how." mused Ricky while he rubbed his sore back which he had landed on.

"Me too." replied Smeargle quite silently as he pondered over what had happened to Ricky and if he should tell him or not.
"Well then, let's go and see what happened to Farfetch'd." he got up and then slowly started to walk towards where they had previously been.

"Ya, we should." replied Ricky and got off from the ground and started to follow Smeargle with his left hand covered up by a large splodge of blood.

------------------------------------

"Help me!I'm being attacked by a Rhyhorn!Guys!" shouted Farfetch'd as a large bulky four legged Pokemon covered in blunt spikes towered over him preparing for attack if any hostility is shown.

"AHHHHHHHH!" screamed Farfetch'd as he ran around the Rhyhorn which took this as a sign of hostility and began to stomp around to squish Farfetch'd into the ground who was now running around it's feet like a lunatic.

"AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" screamed farfetch'd even louder as he started flailing his leek around when suddenly the Rhyhorn was suspended into the air which made him stop and stare at what had made it go up so high.His leek.

"Oh my god.What in god's name happened." Farfetch'd s=recited these words as if he was in a ritual as he stared at his leek which was now as thick as a Technical Machine and as tall as a Tropius.

"Now how did that happen." he muttered looking at the leek from different directions and then he tried to lift it up with his scrawny wings but amazingly he managed to lift it up with the Rhyhorn on top of it.

"I shall enjoy this." said Farfetch'd with a mischievous grin and then smashed The leek into the ground with Rhyhorn on it sending the Pokemon smashing into the ground and fazed out of sight.

"Woohoo!I beat a Rhyhorn...Though maybe I could have done better." screeched Farfetch'd happily as he danced about as a shadow loomed over him. which he only noticed after he heard a thumping sound from behind him to discover that now standing behind him was a large bulky Grey Pokemon with a large tail and a drill on it's head was smashing it's feet on the ground..

"Oh god it's a Rhydon." muttered Farfetch'd in fear and awe as he raised his lee to smash it but realized that it was back to it's original size.

"AHHHHHH!" he screamed as the Rhydon reared up and formed a sphere of energy in it's mouth and shot it at Farfetch'd who was now running away from the hexagon the Rhydon was in.

"AHHHHH!" he screamed as he entered the adjacent hexagon.Then a look of realization wiped away the look of fear on his face."Oh wait now it can't get me."
The look of fear came back as he turned around to see if the Pokemon in this hexagon was dangerous but it turned out there was nothing but what he didn't notice was the red zigzag behind him.

"Phew.At least I'll be safe here for awhile." said Farfetch'd wiping the sweat from it's forehead in relief.Suddenly he was slashed on his head by a pair of claws.

"Yowww!" shouted Farfetch'd turning around to see what slashed at him only to see nothing.Then suddenly a pair of yellow claws followed by some short green arms connected to a small green body and a chameleon like head with weird lines on it and a pair of fin like head ornaments.

"It's a Kecleon.Great." said Farfetch'd sarcastically when he was slashed at furiously by the Kecleon which slowly knocked him out.

"Help me..." were Farfetch'd's last cries as he fell down to the ground fainted.

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Old January 12th, 2009 (10:13 PM).
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Very Nice, although I have just skimmed over this, generally you should have less dialogue and more description.
Other than that you're a very good writer. Storyline is interesting, suspenseful (pun) and enthralling.
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Old January 14th, 2009 (04:59 PM). Edited January 17th, 2009 by shockzone.
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Chapter 7:Ups and Downs

The soft lull of the Starlies singing in harmony gave a calm feeling to whoever passed them on their way to the docks where the rumble of boat engines and the chatter of the people blocked out all the harmonious singing.Though above all a high squawking was heard distracting people from going about their everyday lives to stare at the source of the noise, a large bird covered in brown and cream colored feathers and three long ribbon like feathers on it's head.

The Pokemon flew over the staring heads who just moved their heads again to look at it, though not the bird,It was the Pokeball in it's talons.

--------------------------------------

Waves crashed against the cold rocky island signaling that this was only the calm before the storm.Slowly cracks appeared on the craggy beach which ironically was made of rock, the cracks slowly crept towards the inland where red squares dotted the island forming hexagons which tessellated against each other perfectly except for one rather large one which stretched out to the shoreline where the sea was washing large pieces of cracked glass onto the island.Two figures could be seen walking towards the inland, one had a severe pain in his left arm.

"Ughhh!It's like my arm's on fire on second then on ice the next!" groaned Ricky as he slowly rubbed his left arm which was bearing a horrible scar right through the elbow while the blood streamed down onto his white sneaker's.

Smeargle gazed at the grueling scar on Ricky's arm, pondering what he could do
"That is an acid burn from an acid attack of course, though this particular one was from a Muk.The paralysis probably didn't help your case either."

"I'm not in the mood to talk right now you know." replied Ricky with a wince of pain followed by a quick repositioning of his left arm."Let's go find Farfetch'd"
Smeargle nodded as a reply then carefully put Ricky's right arm around his neck and carried him off to the east.Loud cracking could be heard in the west and the south led back into the sea though going north or east led into the inland.
Virtual Pokemon stood still as the two passed by them, without any motive to attack they were just like statues minding their own businesses.
They duo reached a large oak tree like structure and sat down on it's roots, Ricky looked up at the tree, it was like any other oak tree except it was deep red and had large circular cavities dotting it's trunk.

"I don't like this tree.It reminds me of my arm." Ricky said arrogantly as he stared through one of the cavities and then at his arm."Smeargle, destroy it."

"What?Why?It will only attract attention towards us." replied Smeargle partially astonished at his owner's behavior.

"I'm your trainer and I order you to destroy it.Okay?" retorted Ricky in partial disgust.

Something is wrong with him, he isn't acting like himself Smeargle groaned then reeled back and soared up into the sky and shot down smashing himself into a small space between two cavities and breaking out the other side causing the tree to fall over into the ground, dead.

"There.Are you Happy now?" asked Smeargle grumpily with his arms folded across his chest.

Ricky turned around and stared at the solid flat ground "Yes."
Just then he was sent crashing forwards and a large yellow ball with a tessellating brick pattern rolled into is back.
Smeargle jumped in surprise at the attack."It's a Sandshrew!We must be in it's hexagon!"

"Ya think?" replied Ricky sprawled across the ground, but Smeargle didn't reply to the remark and just lifted up his arms and then flew up into the air and shot himself headfirst at the Sandshrew which adeptly rolled out of the way causing Smeargle to smash into the remains of the fallen tree and screech in disdain.
The shrew Pokemon uncurled itself to reveal that it was actually very mouse like with bulky feet and a white belly, it's face was comprised of mainly a yellow snout and two eyes that looked like rotated teardrops.
The Pokemon lurched forward and shot tiny stars out of it's claws which zigzagged towards Smeargle who was using his tail to write the word "Swift" in the air and managed to cross the T before he was smacked in his face by the stars.

"Oh.It's on now" Smeargle retorted rubbing his cheek with his palm as he raised his other hand and started to move it in a star like pattern and then rotated it to form one large star instead of many tiny ones."I guess I need some more practice.Oh well" Smeargle shrugged and threw the star out of his hand and caused it to go of course and rip the land around them apart and them finally resting right next to Ricky's head.

"I really don't like you." replied Ricky staring at the now fading star that had almost beheaded him and then at Smeargle who just shrugged.

---------------------

Am I dreaming?

Where am I?

What;s going on!Help me!

Ok,Calm down Farfetch'd.

Maybe something happened to me.

Wait a minute.There was a Kecleon that was slashing at me.

That must've fainted me.

I hate Kecleon now.

I guess I might as well ponder on what's going on in this Pokeball.

I'll start from the beginning.

First of all we were attacked by a Pidgeotto who answered a distress call sent by a Pidgey.Then I asked Smeargle to help us and ended up getting caught by Ricky who then decided to send him out after I was brutally beaten by Pidgeotto I think, anyway in the end he had aimed the ball wrong and got sucked into it which happens to a lot of newbie trainers or maybe he's just one of the stupid ones.He probably is due to the fact he tried to send me out while we we're in a Pokeball which is just plain dumb since it activated the security system and now we're stuck here until we figure a way out which will be hard because even if someone does try to use the Pokeball they most likely will fail and get sucked into the ball as well because there is a Pokeball inside a Pokeball which has activated the inner Pokeball's security system and therefore not allowing the outer Pokeball to be used.Phew that was a long rant.

I wonder why Ricky is so stupid?I mean he tried to use a Pokedex inside the malfunctioned system which is clearly electronic making the Pokedex backfire and do something weird that made all the data in the knowledge base therefore erasing all the hard work that it's old owner put into it.Though it's pretty simple to understand that Ricky didn't do any work at all that helped further the knowledge base's data.
Anyway, I still hope that they rescue me from this stupid, horrid fate.Even though it's fun to rant about people behind their backs.

----------------------------------

"You know you didn't have to beat it dead?I'm still amazed you could actually do that." Smeargle asked with an astonished expression on his face.

"Hey, you were the one taking to long to finish of the Sandshrew so I decided to join in." replied Ricky with a smirk.

"For the love of god.You killed the poor little fella." replied Smeargle wildly shaking his arms around.

"It made me smash into the ground!" retorted Ricky angrily, leaning against the stump of the oak tree that had been destroyed by Smeargle on his order.

"It made me get hit by sharp spinning stars, spun into my face afterwards and then tackled my snout!" retorted Smeargle with exactly as much anger as Ricky.

"Ya but you're a Pokemon.You were born to face this kind of pain!" replied Ricky now getting quite angry.

"Oh yeah?" replied Smeargle grunting and cursing under his breath.

"Yeah!" Ricky shouted before punching Smeargle right in the eye.

"Guahhhhhhh!" screamed Smeargle before reeling over in pain and falling to the ground with a thud rubbing at his eye like he had just been stabbed.

Ricky gazed at the bruised Pokemon on the ground and softened up."Uh-um-Smeargle.Smeargle I'm sorry.I don't get it why I've been having these mood swings.I'm really sorry, I got us into this mess and I'll get us out."

Smeargle slowly got up and then cracked up with laughter."You fell for it.GWHAHAHAHHA.You actually fell for it!"

"But h-how did you do that!?!?!?" replied Ricky partially grumpy yet he was now in a happier mood.

"Fake Tears.It's a move I stole off a Mawile while you and Sandshrew were staring at the star that almost killed you.HAAHAHAHAH." said Smeargle wiping the tears off his face while rolling on the ground in fits of laughter.

"Good one.Heh" replied Ricky in a much more calm state as he stared at the west were cracks were appearing and then at the north where the waves were piling up on the beach.

"I think we should go north.I have a feeling we'll find Farfetch'd there."
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Old January 17th, 2009 (03:33 PM).
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By request. Sorry it took me so long.

Quote originally posted by shockzone:
A calm mist surrounded a thick jungle overloaded with flora and fauna.A cold breeze suddenly ran through the jungle, sending a shiver up every Pokemon.
It's certainly a good start in terms of description, but there's a little snag grammatically. When you put down a period, hit the space bar twice to fully signal a break between sentences. This not only makes it clear to the reader's eye, but it also helps you out a bit when proofreading. If you leave it as is, most spell checks think the entire phrase (as in, the words before and after the period as well as the period itself) is one word.

Quote:
Suddenly the trees shed all their leaves and thunder could be heard roaring from the clouds as if the legends of thunder had commanded it.Which they had.
I would suggest putting a number of commas here:

1. After the word "suddenly." This one would actually be needed anyway because "suddenly" is an introduction word. You need a comma to separate a word like that from the rest of the sentence.

2. After the word "leaves." This entire thing is a compound sentence. You can tell by replacing the "and" with a period: by doing that, you end up with two complete sentences. (This method is called the period test. I recommend trying it whenever you put a conjunction – and, but, or, nor, for, yet, so – in a sentence to see if you're trying to form a compound.) Hence, you need the comma to act as the replacement for a period at the end of the first full independent clause.

3. Where the period currently is. Right now, you're calling for a full stop here, and I feel as if it'd sound better if the sentence flowed into "which they had," rather than have that as a fragment. This one is actually optional because it depends on what you're trying to do. A fragment's good if you want to create a jerky, separated feel (if that makes sense), whereas putting that dependent clause at the end of an independent clause makes the reader feel as if the narration flows from one image to the next.

Quote:
Thunder rained down from the sky and ripped through the solid ground as if they were marking their territory.
Be very careful with your words. Thunder is the sound, but lightning is the actual object. (This is, of course, assuming you don't mean the attack.)

Also, either way, that's a singular, so you should be saying "as if it was marking its territory."

Quote:
a loud ringing sound echoed from the clouds as a fairly large bolt of lightning tore the ground in the middle of the jungle leaving an enormous crack that looked like the symbol for lightning Pokemon.
As a note, this isn't a dialogue tag. As in, this is actually its own standalone sentence, and you can tell because no word here actually indicates how the quote is being spoken. Ergo, capitalize.

Same thing, really, with the next paragraph. Remember that if it's not referring to how the quote is being said (in a "he said," "she said" sort of sense), it's not a dialogue tag.

Quote:
a ear piercing
An ear-piercing. First off, "ear" starts with a vowel, so that calls for the word "an," not "a." Second, you're looking at two words ("ear" and "piercing") that are trying to refer to the same trait. Ergo, hyphenate.

Quote:
sprinted off from its hiding place
Sprinted from. It's not really necessary to use "off," and it's a good idea to avoid doubling up on prepositions wherever possible.

Quote:
It's purple cape
1. Its. It's is a contraction for "it is." The general rule of thumb is that no pronoun uses an apostrophe for their possessive forms.
2. I would say that's a mane, not a cape. A cape implies that it's not natural, but with the legendary beasts, those really are parts of their bodies.

Quote:
as the yellow creature got a boost of speed.
How? O_o

No, seriously. What just happened to produce this effect? Your reader will want to know that as well.

Quote:
Opening it's mouth wide, causing the metal fangs to enlarge as it headed straight at the blue creature.
I feel like you started a thought here but didn't quite finish it.

Quote:
It sunk it's fangs into the side of the blue creature when it suddenly felt moist and turned into water only to reform behind the yellow one and blast a beam of light directly at it.
This is actually a bit confusing, and it took me two read-throughs to get it.

Mostly, it's because you lose us as soon as the creature turns into water because we can't tell which one you're referring to. "It" could refer to "blue creature" (and actually does), yes, but in this kind of sentence, when the yellow creature is referred to as "it" several times before this point, the reader may assume that you're actually talking about Raikou, not Suicune.

Quote:
It lashed out
How? In a battle scene, do not be vague. The reason why is because in a Pokémon fic, usually, a battle is a moment of intensity and excitement. In order to convey both, you need to give the reader a clear mental image of what's going on. That way, they can see the battle happening in their heads, and they'll be more likely to feel as if they're actually on the field with your characters. For a first chapter especially, that's the kind of effect you want in order to draw in your readers.

Quote:
you're abilities.
You're = you are. As I've said above, pronouns don't use an apostrophe in their possessives, and if you're writing a pronoun with an apostrophe in it, chances are, it's actually a contraction (and thus means something completely different).

Quote:
So keep your eyes open." retorted Raikou as he prepared for another strike.
Another thing to keep in mind: Notice how you don't capitalize "retorted" here? The reason why is because the sentence doesn't stop at the end of the quote in this case. Rather, it continues on into the dialogue tag. So, what you actually have to do instead is use a comma to show that it's continuing into the tag. (You don't have to do this with question marks or exclamation points. Just periods if the quote is followed by the dialogue tag it's attached to.)

Quote:
so way are you protecting the lives of your fellow electric Pokemon?"
Tip: Proofread by hand as well as through a spell checker before submitting. Maybe even get a beta reader. You'll be able to catch oddities that way, like in this instance when you use "way" instead of "why."

Quote:
replied Zapdos selfishly,
I'd suggest getting rid of "selfishly." First off, his words really say it all, and second, you probably don't want a biased slant in this battle. As in, you don't want your narrator to appear to be choosing sides (because it makes the outcome predictable – not to mention the narrator unreliable because it'll sound like the story's being told from someone who hates a character, rather than someone who just wants to tell a story), and using a word like "selfishly" makes it sound like you are.

Quote:
will never forgive you."
Do you mean "we'll" here?

Quote:
screamed Articuno in a ferocious yet regal way.
How does one scream regally? Ferociously, I can understand.

Quote:
which started glowing with a shining silver light which then partially crystallized
I'd suggest rephrasing all of this. You use too many "which" phrases, which (no pun intended) feels a little redundant and as if you're trying to cram a ton of information into one sentence.

Quote:
until vanishing in an explosion of flames,
Then it really didn't vanish. O_o

Quote:
which were from the fire Pokemon Moltres spinning inside the tornado.
I'd also suggest rephrasing this. We can gather it's from Moltres, but it just feels a little anticlimactic to have him be introduced like this because it feels like the comment's an afterthought, if that makes sense.

Quote:
"You have no right to attack your own family"
Comma at the end here. Or ellipsis, considering he's trailing off.

Quote:
"Without me." said Moltres
Because you already have a dialogue tag in this paragraph, you don't really need another one. Actually, you may want to consider dropping the tag more because it just doesn't feel like it fits. This is the end of the sentence at the beginning of the paragraph. Adding another tag feels like you're separating it more than it should be. I'd suggest ending the sentence there (at "me") and putting the part about malicious laughter in a new paragraph.

Quote:
"Interesting technique brother.
Comma after "technique." This is a direct address, or a moment when a character is speaking directly to another. You separate the sentence from the character's name with a comma.

You may also want to consider capitalizing "brother" because, really, the word is replacing his name.

Quote:
Where did you learn that."
Questions end with a question mark, even in dialogue.

Quote:
As the war will tear tis planet apart."
Of course, using a mechanical spell check for your proofreading stage wouldn't hurt too. (This, not tis.)

Quote:
"This cannot be,
Period here. The reason why is because if you don't have it, the sentence becomes a comma splice – or a run-on sentence. Either way, it's just not correct, and it feels like the sentence as it is continues in one breath (which is not what you're trying to get at here). Remember that even in dialogue, you still need to punctuate normally. It's wherever you throw in a dialogue tag that you need to play by new rules.

Quote:
Pokemon we're preparing
Were. We're = we are.

Quote:
"I don't think the worlds going to have much life longer,
First off, you'll want an apostrophe in "worlds" (so it reads "world's"). The reason why is because right now, you've got a plural. What you want is a contraction for "world is."

Second… "to have much life longer." Read that aloud. It sounds awkward, doesn't it? You may want to try, "I don't think the world's going to live much longer."

Quote:
Celebi enveloped in a green glow as a time portal appeared and let out a burst of green light as twenty Celebi burst from the portal and joined the original Celebi in creating another time portal.
Again, you'll want to split this kind of thing into multiple sentences, possibly even a new paragraph. Right now, all of this information is crammed into one sentence, so it comes off jumbled and confusing. It's too much for the reader to absorb in one go.

Same thing, for that matter, with the part about Jirachi.

Really, don't be afraid to use more than one sentence. Rather than try to cram information into a tiny space, use multiple paragraphs. As in, when you write a dialogue tag, just end it with "the character said." Put that period down and hit the enter key. Now, write whatever's going on in the meantime. The reason why you do this is because trying to do it right in the middle of a dialogue tag the way you are right now is, as I've said, too much. We can't entirely understand what's going on because you have one thing happening as another thing's happening as another thing's happening as another thing's happening. In other words, everything's happening all at once, so we can't get a good mental image of what you're trying to do.

Quote:
Mew voided itself
It did what?

No, seriously. What does this mean?

Quote:
How can I calm down when a meteor is going to crush this world in a matter of days, try taking a look for yourself!"
Another run-on. Try the period test, replacing the comma with a period. Notice how you have two sentences as a result? Yep. Now, punctuate them as you would if they were separated.

Generally, whenever you put down a comma between two clauses like this, try the period test to avoid writing a run-on.

Quote:
The tall man took a look gasped at the size of the meteor, then he reassured his partner that while it is huge the gravitational pull of the other planets will slow it down enough so that it'll hit us at the end of the year.
Lots of missing commas here.

First off, this is a list of three or more items, so you'll want a comma to separate "took a look" and "gasped at the size of the meteor" (because they're both different items). After that, replace "then" with "and." Because this is a list of actions, you're already implying that one action is taking place after another. (Generally, you've got to separate items in a list to avoid confusing the reader. For example, it took me two read-throughs to understand what you were trying to say with "took a look gasped.")

Second, comma after "huge" to separate the dependent clause from the rest of the sentence.

That aside, this sounds like you're trying to turn dialogue into narration. Don't. If you're trying to have a character speak, let them speak. If not, make everything not only in the same tense but also the same person. As in, right here, you switch from past tense ("took," "gasped," et cetera) to present with future mixed in ("is," "will"). Additionally, you break the fourth wall by having the writing switch from all third person ("he," "his") to a first person ("us") thrown in. So, it sounds like you have a character speaking, but you have no quotation marks. For the sake of conformity, don't do that.

Quote:
"I suppose your right.
His right to what?

Seriously, your = possessive pronoun. You're = you are.

In general, you make a lot of mistakes concerning pronoun mix-up. You'll want to sit down and really memorize the differences between homophones so you can communicate the story without too much trouble.

Quote:
But that doesn't change the fact we're going to be extinct in eight measly months!"
Uh, as a side note, travel in space usually takes a lot longer than just a few months, so unless that meteor is currently next to Mars, it'll take a bit more time than that. (Look up the speed of the satellite Voyager, for example.) Of course, this also depends on what speed the meteor's going to begin with. *shrug*

Quote:
"I thought I told you to calm down,Didn't I?
Capitalization in the middle of a sentence? Are you sure you proofread?

Quote:
Besides we don't know anything
Comma after "besides." This is an introduction word, so you'll need to separate it.

Quote:
"HOW COULD A BIG STUPID ROCK DO THIS?!"
This = not what I'd expect from a professional scientist.

Quote:
"You infidel.
Neither would this, considering "infidel" is a word that has religious connotations to it.

Quote:
"NOOOOOOO!!!!!!
Please don't abuse exclamation points. One or two is sufficient to convey your meaning. You don't want to use more than that because it just makes your work look unintentionally humorous (because it'd be over-the-top).

Quote:
sobbed Sylvester as the execution squad entered, clad in what seemed to be high tech protection,guns and what seemed to be a gaunlet on their arms connected to a pokeball compartment dragged him away as if he was a bale of hay.
Okay, here's what I don't get. The guy shouted top-secret information and the man's true name, but no one bats an eye when a death squad from what's obviously a secret organization bursts in to drag him away? I mean, if this is a hideout, then most likely, people would feel safe enough to talk about anything pertaining to their project. As in, the top-secret information they have would most likely be contained within those walls, so there's no reason to worry about some outsider overhearing. Yes, you mention laws, but this, from what I can gather of the scene, is a laboratory, meaning most likely, they're all on the same team there. If it's not a hideout or a laboratory where everyone's on the same team, then someone should certainly think something's wrong when a team of executioners suddenly burst into the room to drag someone away.

Quote:
Meanwhile, in the vast outer reaches of the solar system, the enormous meteor hurtled through the cosmos, lurching closer to the planet Saturn
…Which is not at the outer reaches of the solar system in terms of light years.

Quote:
The stars near Saturn
Of which there are none because in our solar system, there's only one star. Any other stars would probably rip the planets apart. All the other stars that you might perceive from Earth to be close to Saturn are actually millions of light years further away.

Long story short: There's no stars near Saturn (except, of course, the sun), and there's no way a meteor near the planet could rip apart the ones you might see in the night sky because of a difference in distance.

Come to think of it, though, did you by any chance mean the sun? Because if the sun was ripped apart, then we'd be screwed in less than ten minutes.

Quote:
"Hey, mom.
Capitalize "mom" in this case. Basically, whenever the title takes place of the individual's actual name, you'll want to consider capitalizing because it's being used as a proper noun.

Quote:
"Then you better hurry to school, Ricky" said Ricky's mother"Before the earthquake hits."
I would advise putting the latter quote ("Before the earthquake hits") before the dialogue tag, not after. As it is, the tag separates the quote, so it feels like an unnecessary pause.

If not, you'll need commas before and after the tag to show it's separated from the quote, and you'll need to keep "before" lowercase to show you're continuing the sentence. (Otherwise, you're essentially capitalizing in the middle of one.) Either way, you need punctuation after "mother."

Also, why would his mother tell him to go off to school before a potentially devastating natural disaster comes? I suppose if they've felt enough of them that it's almost mundane, that's one thing, but otherwise, what you're doing here feels a lot like her saying, "Then, you better hurry to school, Ricky, before the plague wipes out our village." Either that or, "You better hurry to school, Ricky, before the hurricane hits."

Quote:
Ricky promptly chucked some toasted in his mouth
And choked? Chucking food in your mouth sounds painful unless it's rather small anyway.

Quote:
their own way of saying 'I'm the best!'.
The period here isn't actually needed because you've got a mark of ending punctuation already (the exclamation point). Also, change the single quotes to double quotes.

Quote:
"What a beautiful sight, sadly I have to get to school"
At this point, I think I may just give up on going through the grammatical errors. I'm sorry, but a lot of the mistakes you're making are pretty simple ones that can be taken care of through proofreading, learning the language, and maybe getting a beta to work with you. Some of them are errors that you make here but not anywhere else in the fic, like the "a ear piercing" error I pointed out pages ago.

Long story short, I feel like you've just got to sit down and really read up on the rules and then take your time going through a story.

That said, from here on out, all plot comments unless it's particularly significant.

Quote:
he suddenly noticed he still had a chunk of toast stuck in his mouth.
How do you manage to not notice that?

(Also, it goes back to my "And choked?" quip earlier.)

Quote:
If you don't get it in by the end of July you fail." said the teacher and wrote a big F on the blackboard.
I don't know about schools elsewhere and the teachers people have had, but mine don't usually act this way. As in, they don't outright say you'll fail. They'll just say it's a big percentage of our grade.

And in any case, it feels like you're making this teacher a bit over-the-top in terms of being a *****, so we're less likely to take this scene seriously, I think.

Quote:
the abandoned Pokemon Gym, y'know the one with the weird glowing doors?
This town has multiple abandoned Gyms to make it necessary to specify which one?

Quote:
"20 bucks
Little-known rule of writing: Write out any number from zero to ninety-nine (except with dates, time, addresses, and certain other exceptions). As in, don't use numerals.

Quote:
and the right of hanging out with us"
"Right to hang out with us." The term "right of" is never used except in the case of "right of way."

Quote:
When he got home he started reading an old and torn copy of "The history of Silverlake Town" which was full of what it said on the cover.
Is it necessary to tell us what it's full of when it's obvious? As in, yes, we can gather it's a history of the town. You don't need to tell us again, and it beats the information over our head if you do.

Quote:
Silverlake town was meant to be a town of peace between humans and Pokemon,and it was for many years until in the year 2006,when earthquakes suddenly started occurring daily for unknown reasons,the earthquakes drove all the Pokemon away except the water Pokemon in the lake which stay there to this very day.
Note that all of this is one sentence.

Yeah. Run-ons kinda kill the reader there.

Quote:
Trainers occasionally pass through here
Where is here? Keep in mind, you've just mentioned a completely different city.

Quote:
"That was amusing and it's almost five o'clock,
It feels like this is a random comment. Basically speaking, the problem I have is that it feels abrupt, like all of a sudden, you threw in backstory and then forced the main character to go back to the plot. It's okay if you wanted to talk about the town, but you don't just want to have it be brought up as an afterthought because it smacks the reader in the face. Instead, try to integrate it in the story a bit better. For example, if you had Ricky simply look up and realize he's late, then that's one thing, rather than have him go through what feels like a scripted line. Alternatively, you could have him pass through the town and notice it's empty while your narrator explains why. Just don't have it be told through a book that your character just randomly decides to put aside with only an off-hand comment about it.

Quote:
The popular kids were waiting there and Seth asked Ricky of he was ready to which he nodded and then opened the door.
No, really. Get a beta. The use of wrong words actually made me stumble a lot through this sentence and reread it a few times because I didn't know what you were actually trying to say at first. (For example, I had to stop at "Seth asked Ricky of," simply because you used "of" instead of "if," which made me think that you were leading into a prepositional phrase that would use "of," rather than a conditional. Likewise with "to" instead of "too.")

Quote:
"Faaaaaaaaaaaaa!".
You'll want this in its own paragraph if it's not Ricky speaking. Otherwise, you're implying that Ricky's the one who's making this sound, which confuses the reader even more.


I have to admit, it was pretty original to use a Farfetch'd, and the storyline itself (past the prologue) has quite some potential. You have this kid who has really no intention of being a trainer (as far as we can tell right now) getting picked on by the other kids and shoved into an abandoned gym where he meets a very obscure Pokémon. Not even Eevee or something overused like that. Farfetch'd. That's the really cool part, if only because there really needs to be more love for that duck.

You've also started building up an interesting town, complete with its own backstory that hints at plot later to come.

Not to mention I do like the idea of Ricky taking the bet and getting shoved into the abandoned gym (despite my joke concerning multiple gyms earlier). It's original for a beginning, and it reveals that the kid's, simply put, considered a dork. This means he's more likely to be a likeable character because you're already setting him up to be an underdog. (I really hope you maintain that because underdogs are always interesting to read about, simply because it's harder to figure out whether or not they'll actually come up on top. Of course, they almost always do, but it's fun to see them struggle.)

However, a few things killed this fic:

1. Proofreading. Yeah, going to have to say there's a lot of errors here that either show you need to take your time or you need to work with resources. My advice to you is sit down and take your time. Rome wasn't built in a day, and neither is a chapter. (Or it really shouldn't be.) After you write your chapter, let it cool for twenty-four hours so you can lose the unfortunate bias every author has towards his or her work. Once you do, you'll be able to see your work as a member of the audience, not as the person who wrote it. Now, read your work aloud, looking for even the tiniest error you can spot and reworking parts that sound awkward to your ears. If it sounds awkward, yeah, it'll look awkward to us.

To further help you out, here is a link to OWL at Purdue, a website with detailed guides to grammar that can help you learn and understand the marks of punctuation and proper grammar in general. That way, you can avoid some of the mistakes you've been making. Additionally, in the stickies in the Writer's Lounge subforum, you'll find The Beta Place, a thread with a listing of people who would be willing to spend time with you to go over your work and help you fix your errors. (Note that you'd have to proofread before submitting your work to a beta as common courtesy.)

2. The first scene. I felt it was just a bit forced. While I'm sure you were planning on explaining why the legendaries were all fighting one another later, it just seems random, and the personalities of each legendary feel over-the-top evil. As in, we could probably gather that they're evil by watching them fight and disrupt world order by killing each other off, but you have them do things like laugh maniacally and snap sarcastically in extremely formal speech to one another. It's a bit like watching cartoon supervillains try to fight each other with death rays.

3. The scene right after that. It would've been fine to have a bunch of scientists watching a meteor heading straight for them, but then you started dipping into WTF territory with the bit about Saturn onward. (Stars, the death squad, pretty much everything I mentioned above.) This kills the mood in that it feels like you're just about to start setting up a good story filled with science-fiction awesome, but then it gets harder to take it seriously because I feel like you didn't think things entirely through.

4. It's a bit more forgivable than the above, but you'll still want to look into being careful about what you're doing. Describe things in detail, but do it in a way that doesn't smack the reader in the face. For example, we don't know what Ricky looks like at all or what the surroundings look like, save for the occasional description here and there. However, when you stop to give us backstory, you do it in a way that makes it feel like an afterthought, as if it was shoved in there after you wrote the rest of the scene, and you only did a half-hearted job trying to tie it to what you'd already written.

4a. As a result of the above, your pacing seems off. It feels like you rush through all of this. For example, one moment, you have a small scene with Ricky in his class, and the next, he's going home. It feels like you have him spend five seconds in class before ushering him off to do something else. Slow down, and if you need to do a scene, make sure it's significant to the plot. Otherwise, just do a scene break and jump to something that is. (Maybe explain what happened between scenes to set up for the next one.)

Overall, you have some good concepts here, but you've also got a lot to think through and work on. In all honesty, I'm not sure if I'd like to continue because skimming through, I can see you're making the same grammatical errors as you do in this chapter. So, if you like, yoy'll want to consider going back and editing your chapters based on the grammar parts of this review – maybe even send them to a beta. The readability of this fic would most likely greatly improve, and that should make it easier for your readers to handle your fic.
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