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  #1    
Old March 4th, 2009, 12:16 PM
Feathing's Avatar
Feathing
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Well, I finally had the courage to make this thread.
This is the third fic I start, but given the fact that the first two are quite long stories and this is a shortie one, I'll post this.

Title
: The Rivalry (I have no better title, I thought The Battle but...)
Genre: Action/Friendship/Romance
Note: As I'm not British/American/Aussie, my english is a bit limited. So, it's possible that the fic have some mistakes in the spelling. PLEASE let me now what words I wrote wrong.
Status: I've written half the fic already. It won't take so much to finish it.

Credits: I'll give a big credit to Yuki3056 for helped me with the wrong words -With the first chapters anyway-

Any suggestion/comment/doubt will be welcome and so be clarified.


I.
“Are you ready?” Alexis asked with a malicious smirk to his opponent whom he would be battling soon. “Nerves can be a tricky factor in your first final of the Pokemon League.”

“I know you very well, so nerves shouldn’t be a problem,” answered Henry.

In that moment, a man who was dressed in an odd manner entered the room. He was wearing a shiny blue coat and ridiculous spectacles “Are you ready, guys? This is the moment. All these people want to see a good battle. So, try not to disappoint them.”

“I think there’s someone who is already disappointed…” Alexis stared at Henry. His grudge was showing in his eyes. The other boy tried not to look at him, but it was an awkward situation. The odd dressed man left the room, and the boys prepared to do the same.

Alexis was seventeen. His hair was black and messy, he dressed in all dark and blue colors. On the other hand, Henry was eighteen. His hair was a dark-blond color and judging by his clothes one could think he was a tennisman. His face was a bit friendlier than Alexis’.

Suddenly, they heard the announcer introducing them. “Hello, ladies and gentlemen! Hello, young trainers! It’s a great day for pokemon battling and this is the best place to see just that!” the people in the stadium screamed, they seemed to be very excited. “We have had an amazing tournament, and now we’re going to see the big Final! In the green corner, we have a boy who got through the Final for the very first time. Last year, in his only previous appeareance, he lost in Round of 16, but now he’s eager to claim victory! Let’s give a warm welcome to Henry, from Azalea Town!”

In the locker room, Henry took a deep breath and went outside. He walked through the short passage and, suddenly, he was struck by the bright sun, the people in the stadium, the noise, the nerves and the emotion in the air. Henry waved and went to the middle of the arena. He noticed the oddly dressed man was the one with the microphone, preparing to introduce the other boy.

“And now, while Henry prepares for battle, let’s give a warm welcome to his next challenger. They are old neighbours from Azalea, but I'd guess Henry was sure he wouldn't battle against him in this very stadium. He’s the defending two-time Champion. His battle style demolished all of his foes in this year tournament, and now he’s ready to put his pride on the line and try to become the first person ever to win three Johto championships in a row! Say hello to Alexis from Azalea Town!”

Alexis entered the Stadium, but the feelings he had were different from the ones Henry had. He was used to battling in the Center Stadium. He liked to see all the people who were excited, screaming, crying and getting anxious. He used to feel the same way, but he always managed to not lose his focus. That was the key for victory, in his opinion anyways.

The boys stood with the Battle Judge in the center of the arena. “This is a 6 on 6 battle. You can substitute Pokemon without limit, and when a trainer loses three of his Pokemon, there will be a five minutes break. I hope you have a good battle, but act like gentlemen. Now, go to your corners.”

The boys prepared to fight. The surface was suitable for many different kinds of Pokemon. It was a long plain with long grass, there was a lake near the middle and some rocks and trees scattered about the arena.

"Well, the battle between Henry and Alexis starts now!” said the announcer with excitement.


II.

“Houndoom, go!” Alexis released his first Pokemon. In his previous battles, Houndoom was often seen destroying two or three oponents in a row, so Henry wasn’t surprised at this choice. In fact, he had seen all of Alexis’ battles and had an idea of what Pokemon he could use in the Final.

“Go and give your best, Giggly!” Henry’s Wigglytuff came out of his Pokeball and soon the battle began.

“Use Flamethrower!” Houndoom was too quick for Giggly, and very powerful too. Before Wigglytuff even realized he was in the Center Stadium battling for the Championship, a powerful wall of flames engulfed him. Giggly would have to battle against two foes: Houndoom and its own nerves.

“Well, if someone here doesn’t know what kind of strategy Alexis uses, you can see it right now! This is the kind of offensive attaks that led him to victory so many times!” the announcer was excited, and so the people.

“Giggly, I now you can resist, that’s why I picked you.” Giggly got up after the flames were gone. “I know you can do it. Use your Recover!”

“Recover is an attack that helps the user to recuperate health.” Henry suddenly remembered a feminine voice. “Now, do you know any Pokemon who can use Recover?” the teacher asked. But no one could answer because someone had entered in the classroom: A boy with black and messy hair. “Oh, on your first day and you’re late. You must be Alexis.”

“Sorry, Miss. It isn’t that late anyway.” said the boy with a conciliator smile.

“Well, go and sit over there.” Answered the teacher.


The boy sat next to another boy. Alexis looked over him curious. “Hi, I’m Alexis. What’s your name?”

“I’m Henry, nice to meet you. Look, I would advise you to be the first one here tomorrow. Teacher Marie can be a bit annoying if you’re late constantly.

“Oh, thanks for the advice. It’s just I’m new in this city.”

“Don’t worry, ask me if you need any help.”


“And now Wigglytuff is using Recover! Good strategy!” the voice of that funny man brought Henry back to the battle.

“It won’t last much longer. Houndoom, use Iron Tail!” “Doommm!!” Answred the canine Pokemon. The Iron Tail was heading towards Giggly, but Henry seemed to be lost in thought, and Giggly sensed that. The poor Pokemon was lost and confused.

“Hey, would you like to see the town after class?”

“Yeah! That would be great, so I can get to know this place a bit better.”

“Henry and Alexis stop talking in class please!”
Henry still remembered when he was six years old and met Alexis on the first day of school. Still remembered the ugly voice of Miss Marie yelling. And that noise took him back to reality. He heard another ugly voice, and saw Houndoom attempting to destroy Giggly with his Iron Tail.

Giggly! Mega Punch!” but it wasn’t enough. The Iron Tail hit Giggly directly, who wasn't even able to prepare the Mega Punch. The battle was over.Wigglytuff is no longer able to battle! The victory goes to Houndoom!”

“And suddenly Alexis is one to zero!!! Henry will have to focus all of his attention if he wants to win! He seemed a bit distracted…”

“What had happened Henry? Nerves?” Alexis glared at his rival, but he didn’t say a word. The battle was still going…
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Non-Pokemon Writings:
I Desire..
Blue and Green
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Pokemon Writings:
Green Everlasting (OneShot)
My First Fic: The Rivalry






..:: The Poetry does not belong to its creator, but the one who needs it ::..

Last edited by Feathing; April 3rd, 2009 at 07:34 AM. Reason: Making the Fic Better ^^
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  #2    
Old March 4th, 2009, 12:20 PM
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txteclipse
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The centered text is really off-putting. Fix that first and foremost, and I'll work from there.
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  #3    
Old March 4th, 2009, 12:24 PM
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Feathing
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Quote:
Originally Posted by txteclipse View Post
The centered text is really off-putting. Fix that first and foremost, and I'll work from there.
I thought it was cooler, althoug yes, it might look a bit 'messy'
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Non-Pokemon Writings:
I Desire..
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My First Fic: The Rivalry






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  #4    
Old March 4th, 2009, 01:13 PM
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txteclipse
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Okay, I'm going to tell you straight up that this needs a fair amount of polish. The dashes are unnecessary, quotation marks are missing, and you need to hit enter twice when someone new starts speaking. I'm going to format part of your first chapter to show you how it should look. Bolded words are spelling or grammar mistakes I've corrected.
Quote:
"Are you ready?" Alexis asked with evil to his rival in the up-coming battle. "Nerves can be a tricky factor in your first final of the Pokemon League."

"I know you quite well, so nerves won’t a problem," answered Henry.

In that moment, a funny man dressed with a shiny blue coat and awful glasses entered the room. "Are you ready, guys? This is the moment. All the people want to see a good battle, so try to not disappoint them."

"I think there’s someone who is already disappointed…" Alexis stared at Henry. His grudge was alive in his eyes. The other boy tried to not look at him, but it was an awkward situation. The funny man left the room and the boys prepared to leave as well.

Alexis was seventeen; black and messy hair, dressed all in dark and blue colours. By the other side, Henry was eighteen. His hair was dark-blond and his clothes looked a bit as a tennisman. His face was a bit more friendly than Alexis’.
Otherwise, try to add some more description, and be careful with your vocabulary. Things like this:
Quote:
"Are you ready?" Alexis asked with evil to his rival in the up-coming battle
That comes across strangely. What does "evil" sound like? How do you "ask to" someone? I would reword that sentence as such:
Quote:
"Are you ready?" Alexis asked his opponent with a malicious tone.
Finally, this could really all be condensed into one chapter. The breaks are awkward, and the chapters are a bit too short as they are now. Try to hit at least two pages or so with each, formatted as I showed you.

If it sounds like I'm tearing apart your work, it's probably because that's basically what I'm doing. But keep in mind that I'm only doing so to help you write better, not to discourage you or say you're a bad writer. For instance, your readers will love you for correct formatting: it's the first thing they'll notice, and that's why it's the first thing I'm having you fix. Learn to utilize constructive criticism like this, and you'll go far. I wish you luck.
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  #5    
Old March 4th, 2009, 03:01 PM
.MurkyBurning.
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seems okay to me... just some things i found.
dont take this personally okay? ;)
theres some grammer errors like txteclipse said
u could fix some fo your sentence structure.

overall its pretty good. just fix it up a bit and you'll probably go far :D
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  #6    
Old March 4th, 2009, 05:09 PM
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Wow much better and I am glad to see you took my advice on the layout..I will have chapter 3 checked over for you in no time!
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  #7    
Old March 4th, 2009, 05:33 PM
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txteclipse
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Hey, this looks a lot better now. Nice job.

Quote:
PD: If someone knows how can I add the 'space before a paragraph begins' please tell me. It's the second time I try to do it and then it goes to the thread without it
Indenting is impossible on these forums, lol. Don't worry about it.
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  #8    
Old March 5th, 2009, 06:29 PM
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Feathing
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III.

“Go, Mia!” Henry threw a Pokeball and a beautiful Starmie came out. It was the kind of Pokemon you would expect from Henry: delicate, beautiful but powerful.

“And now Henry has made a good choice! Let’s see if Alexis can win this battle with the same ease even with a disadvantage!” the announcer said.

“Houndoom and I have defeated many Ground, Rock and Water type Pokemon. So this will not be a problem. Now, go!”

“Mia, use your Rapid Spin!” Starmie began rolling very quickly when it saw Houndoom. Soon, he was dizzy and a bit confused. Starmie didn’t stop rolling and went right into the pool.

“Think, Alexis, think. What can I do? I can’t send Houndoom into the pool, but I won’t switch him out, that’s not my style.”

I congratulate you, Alexis. We had a tough battle, but you never gave up, uh?” a voice sounded in Alexis’ mind. It was Whitney’s…

“Thanks, I’m very honored to win my first badge from you. I thought I wouldn’t be able to win.”

“You won because you didn’t lose your focus. You had a strategy for the battle, and you kept at it ‘til the end.” Whitney looked at the young boy happily. She was beautiful. A top model was hiding in the appeal of a Gym Leader. Although Alexis had a Gym in Azalea, he wanted to try in Goldenrod first. He always admired Whitney, so he felt he must win his first badge with her.


“Yeah, my friend over there told me the same thing. He told me I didn’t get nervous because of the hard battle and I stuck to my original plan the whole match.” Alexis pointed at his friend Henry, who was chatting with some of the Whitney’s fans.”

“I won my first badge because I didn’t give up on my battle plan. Should I try it again this time? Houndoom use your Shadow Ball on the water!” Houndoom did that and the black ball hit the water where Starmie was hiding, but it didn’t do any damage.

“What the hell?!” Alexis was surprised. “You may say I’m a coward for making Mia hide in the water, but you don’t realize that I was doing it while rolling.” Henry seemed happy for the first time.

“Reflect?” Asked nervously Alexis

“Indeed, my friend.”

Houndoom was trapped inside walls. Special Attacks wouldn’t do much damage to Starmie, and Physics Attacks were now useless. Alexis was getting angry. “Houndoom! Use your Iron Tail to break the wall!”

“Mia, use Bubblebeam!” Yelled Henry too.

“I can see you’re close friends, he was cheering you up the entire battle even though he was the only one on your side. Loyal friends are an amazing things. Try to keep your friendship intact.”

Yeah, I will for sure! Thanks Whitney!”

What was he doing trying to destroy this close friendship? “He betrayed me. I must to defeat him.” thought Alexis. “Houndoom! Use Iron Tail again!”

“Mia, you know what to do.” A beautiful but deadly Bubblebeam hit Houndoom. The battle was for Henry now.

“And the battle is over! Houndoom is unable to continue! The victory goes to Starmie!”

“And now we are tied one to one! This time offense didn’t work out for Alexis. Let’s see what else the battle will bring!”

Alexis imagined what Whitney would say if she had seen this battle. Try to keep your friendship intact, she had said. Had she been right? “He lied to me, I can’t forgive him.” Alexis was having a battle with his inner self. Too bad he was in the middle of a Pokemon battle also.
__________________

Non-Pokemon Writings:
I Desire..
Blue and Green
Title-less

Pokemon Writings:
Green Everlasting (OneShot)
My First Fic: The Rivalry






..:: The Poetry does not belong to its creator, but the one who needs it ::..

Last edited by Feathing; April 3rd, 2009 at 07:39 AM. Reason: Making the fic Better ^^
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  #9    
Old March 5th, 2009, 08:22 PM
Micro
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The fanfic is pretty good although there are some grammatical errors and words spelled wrong.

Quote:
His face was a bit friendly than Alexis’.
It should be ''His face was a bit friendlier than Alexis’.'' :>

Quote:
Alexis entered the Staium
It should be stadium :>

Quote:
there will be a five minutes break.
It should be "five minute break''

Quote:
Well, if someone here doesn’t know what kinaof strategy Alexis uses
I guess you mean "kind" :>

Quote:
you can see it right know!
It should be "you can see it right now!"

Quote:
We had a tough battle, but you never give up, uh?” A voice sounded in Alexis’ mind.
It should be "gave" :>

Sorry if I sound rude or something.
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  #10    
Old March 5th, 2009, 10:00 PM
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Lol reading through that on here I saw some mistakes I diddn't catch >.< I need to pay closer attention...Lollipop pointed most of them out >.<
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  #11    
Old March 21st, 2009, 09:29 PM
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First thing to admit: I did not read the reviews before starting in. But I see edit by lines, which is both cool and reassuring.

That said…

Quote:
Originally Posted by Feathing View Post
“I know you very well, so nerves shouldn’t be a problem.” Answered Henry.
Dialogue tends to be tricky in terms of grammar, both to get the hang of and to explain. Basically speaking, the dialogue tag (the part that's like "he said," "she said" – that is, the part that describes who's speaking and how) is just a modifier. A modifier, meanwhile, is basically a part of speech that describes something else. For example, in this case, the dialogue tag modifies the quote by telling the reader who's saying it and how. Therefore, the dialogue tag isn't a standalone sentence.

Basically, what that means is this: Depending on where you put the tag, you may end up dropping a period for a comma and leaving a letter lowercase. To make this clearer, let me define the situations for you:

Dialogue Tag Before the Quote
Henry answered, "He knows you very well, so nerves shouldn't be a problem."
(Yes, modified the quote a little so it's clear that you capitalize the first letter of the quote if it's the beginning of the sentence that's being said. Confusing, but just think of it like the quotation marks are a box with contents in it. The box would be part of the sentence around it, but the contents could stand on their own if you removed the quotation marks and dialogue tag.)

Dialogue Tag After the Quote
"I know you very well, so nerves shouldn't be a problem," answered Henry.

Dialogue Tag In the Middle of the Quote
"I know you very well, so nerves shouldn't be a problem," answered Henry. "Trust me."
OR
"I know you very well, so nerves shouldn't be a problem." Then, with a thought, Henry added, "Trust me."

Dialogue Tag Interrupting a Sentence
"I know you very well," answered Henry, "so nerves shouldn't be a problem."

Quote:
He was wearing a shiny blue coat and ridiculous spectacles
Period here because it's the end of a sentence. Also, I'd clarify what "ridiculous" and "odd" mean. Different people have different definitions of both words, so to help the reader get a clear image of what we're supposed to be reading, it's best to be specific.

Quote:
The dolí dressed man left the room and the boys prepared to do the same.
Also, beware of compound sentences. When you insert a conjunction (and, but, or, nor, for, yet, so) into a sentence, try replacing it with a period. If what you get are two separate sentences that stand on their own, then chances are, you're trying to form a compound, so you'll need a comma and a conjunction to separate both parts. (This replacement of stuff with periods is what I call the period test. It's useful to see whether or not what you're doing is writing a compound.)

Quote:
Alexis was seventeen; his hair was black and messy, he dressed in all dark and blue colors.
To make things simple, the uses of a semicolon. For everything else, don't use it, so in this instance, you'll want to replace the semicolon with a period.

With the rest, I want you to try the period test by placing a period where the comma is. Notice how you get two sentences as a result? That's called a comma splice, and it's not really correct. What you'll need, then, is either a conjunction there to make this a compound or another period. I'd suggest going with a conjunction because you're describing the way he looks.

Quote:
by his clothes you could think
Try to avoid using second-person pronouns (you and all related words) in third-person prose. Using the second person makes the reader feel as if you're breaking the fourth wall (i.e., addressing them directly) which is a bit taboo unless you're writing humor.

Quote:
The people in the stadium screamed, they seemed to be very excited.
To avoid implying that it's the people who say the next quote, I'd suggest changing this part so that the announcer becomes the subject. For example, try writing, "He paused to listen to the people in the stadium scream."

Quote:
and, suddenly he was struck by the bright Sun,
Move the first comma to just before the "and" because you'll want it to serve as a pseudo-period in the previous independent clause. (In other words, it goes where a period would normally go.) Then, add another comma right after "suddenly" because that's an introduction word.

Also, "sun" is not capitalized in the English language. Weird, but it's how we do things.

Quote:
but sure Henry didn’t battle against him in this very stadium.
Not entirely sure what you mean here. It could be:

- "Sure, Henry didn't battle against him in this very stadium." This implies that they've never battled in that stadium before, and they probably never will.
- "Henry sure didn't battle against him in this very stadium." See above.
- "Henry was sure he wouldn't battle against him in this very stadium." Implies Henry didn't know when he left Azalea that his opponent in the tournament he'd compete in some time later would be his own neighbor.

I'd probably go with the latter because it makes the most sense. Though, to tell you the truth, I just find it odd that the announcer's telling an audience how someone else feels.

Quote:
“Go and give your best Giggly!”
Since you seem to have a grasp on direct address (judging by other quotes in this battle), I'll just say you'll need a comma after "best." If you're not quite sure about direct address, just reply, and I can elaborate.

Quote:
This is the kind of offensive attaks
Be very careful in your proofreading stage and get a beta who could help you as well. That way, you can avoid odd errors in your writing. (e.g., "Attacks" is misspelled here.)

Also, "this" is singular, while "attacks" is plural. For the sake of consistency, it would be better if you made them either both singular or both plural. Thus, you can say:

"These are the kinds of offensive attacks."
OR
"This is the kind of offensive attack."

Quote:
“Giggly, I now you can resist,
Taking a bit more care in the proofreading stage should also help you avoid words that wouldn't normally be picked up by the spell check. For example, "now" is an actual word, but it refers to this moment in present time. "Know" is the word you want here.

Quote:
Henry suddenly remembered a feminine voice.
Because it's not Henry who's speaking, it'd be a good idea to rearrange this sentence so that the feminine voice is the subject. That way, you can avoid implying otherwise.

Quote:
But no one could answer, because someone had entered in the classroom. A boy with black and messy hair.
First, "because" is a conjunction that doesn't actually need a comma.

Second, I'd recommend inserting a colon ( : ) where the period is after classroom. The reason why is because the sentence fragment seems a little awkward on its own, but that part might flow better if it was attached to the part where he's entering.

Quote:
“Oh, on your first day and you’re late. You must be Alexis.” “Sorry, Miss. It isn’t that late anyway.” Said the boy with a conciliator smile. “Well, go and sit over there.”
Whenever you switch from one speaker to another, you actually should begin a new paragraph because the change in speakers is treated like a change in topics. That and it makes it easier for a reader to understand that one person isn't saying all of those quotes.

Quote:
The Iron Tail was heading towards Giggly, but Henry seemed to be lost in thought.
When describing a battle, avoid using a "Pokémon A used Move A on Pokémon B" format. Instead, describe the attack being used, even with brief detail. That helps the reader get a mental image of what's going on.

Quote:
“Giggly! Mega Punch!”But it wasn’t enough. The Iron Tail hit Giggly directly. The battle was over.
Geez. With two hits? O_o

It's a bit unusual (unless Giggly's actually incredibly underpowered compared to Houndoom) because Henry had stated earlier that he trained Giggly with Houndoom in mind.

Quote:
is 1 to. 0!!!
Not quite sure what the period is doing here.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Feathing View Post
delicated, beautiful but powerful.
I think you mean "delicate" here. It's not a verb, so you can't really form a past tense out of it.

Quote:
“Mia use your Speed!”
It may be a language issue here (as in, the attacks aren't the same in your language as they are in English), but do you mean the speed stat? If so, then it's just a lowercase there. Or do you mean Rapid Spin? Or is this a completely new attack?

Quote:
so he felt he musted to win his first badge with her.
I'm not quite sure what you meant here in place of "musted." It could be that he felt he must win his first badge, at which point, yeah, you don't add -ed to the end there. It's just one of those words that's an irregular verb.

Quote:
I must to defeat him.”
Another thing to remember is that "must" is a helping verb. That means it goes with other verbs as they are, without the word "to," in order to modify them and define how the verb was done. In other words, if you have must before a verb, you don't need "to."

Quote:
tied 1 to 1!
Weird and slightly obscure rule of English grammar, but when you write any number from zero to ninety-nine, you actually write them out, rather than use numerals (0, 1, 2, et cetera). There's exceptions in dates, times, addresses, and that sort of thing, but in general, everything else just gets spelled out. I really can't explain why; it's just one of those odd rules that's a norm.

Quote:
of a pokemon battle also.
Be very careful about capitals. If you capitalize species names when they're being used as common nouns (e.g., a Starmie, where you can replace "Starmie" with "starfish" if this was the real world), you'll want to capitalize the word "Pokémon" as well. If you want to leave "pokémon" lowercase, then you'll need to leave species names such as "starmie" lowercase as well. It's really a matter of consistency.


That being said, let's start with the bad news to get that over with. I know English isn't your first language, but that just means you need a beta more than most people. txteclipse is right; one of the first thing people see (and unfortunately judge the writing on) is how it's formatted. That includes grammar, and there's a lot of errors here that can be best pointed out by someone who knows the language well. Find someone who's fluent in the language and work with them because there's a lot of oddities throughout this fic that could really be worked out with someone who can help you. (For example, the bit about "must to defeat.") We have a sticky for betas here, so I'd recommend giving it a try. In the meantime, one of the best websites for learning English grammar is OWL at Purdue. If you want to continue writing in this language (which is admirable in itself, so I won't discourage you from doing so), you'll want to check that out first and then find someone patient to help and teach you.

Also, your battles could really use some work. Remember that as the readers, we can't really see what you have in mind. So, it's up to you as the writer to provide some kind of description for us. While I'm not saying go overboard, it's really a good idea to at least describe briefly the attacks, rather than simply leaving it at a name. This goes especially for this fic because this is an incredibly important battle for the two main characters, so going into detail and showing us the danger and destruction each move brings to the scene can really heighten tension and suspense to make both conflicts you're trying to portray intense.

Now, onto the good things.

I have to say you've really got potential here. You start off strongly with a battle by the first two installments. It's not just any battle, either. It's a flipping final of a tournament. You really get right into the action here, and that starts the reader off with the hope that this will be an action-packed fic full of fighting and intensity.

The flashbacks to establish how the two characters got to this point are a good move, although they could be integrated a bit better so it doesn't feel so abrupt. As in, you know that feeling you get when you take a step and expect that the ground will be right under your foot, when in actuality, it's a half a foot down because you didn't notice you were heading towards stairs? That's a bit like what it feels like now. We keep reading, expecting that we're going to stay in the same scene and the same time period when all of a sudden, we're thrown back in time. I would suggest maybe adding some scene breaks so it's cleaner and the transitions can get a bit smoother. Still, switching back and forth between the present and the past keeps the readers on their toes and gradually reveals important details, rather than simply have it shown all at once. It's a bit like Memento, where the viewer is forced to piece together what exactly happened as they go along. I especially got this feeling in the last installment, when Alexis mentions that Henry lied to him but doesn't say how. (Perhaps you imply it or state it earlier, and I missed it. However, if that's not the case, and I'm right about how this is being revealed gradually, good work.)

As for the characters, we're not shown too much because it's been brief so far, but from what I can tell, they come off believable. They're acting in the heat of the moment, but at the same time, they're suffering from unresolved conflicts in their friendship. Seeing the two of them meet when they were children was cute and sweet, and seeing them fight one another in a bitter rivalry (with the both of them taunting each other as they send their pokémon out to viciously attack the other's) makes me want to find out exactly what happened to them.

So, to put it short, it's something new and different. The plot's there, and you've got some good ideas when it comes to execution in formatting and characterization. (Granted, they could use a bit of metaphorical sanding to make things smoother.) However, it just needs a bit of work in terms of details and grammar. Get someone to work with you, and I'm sure you can polish this up without too much of a problem.

Good luck.
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  #12    
Old April 2nd, 2009, 04:01 PM
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Feathing
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I apologize for take so much time in posting again. I'm been helped by Tigrerra now, and I think I improved a lot since the last time.


Anyway, I hope you like it and comment of course!



IV.


“Thanks a lot Mia, but it’s time to come back now.” Henry recalled his Starmie into the Pokeball. People in the stadium were wondering what Pokemon would be next.

“Go! Pidgeot!” said Alexis.

Of course, thought Henry. It was the perfect Pokemon for a League Final. In fact, Henry could remember when Alexis caught a hurt Pidgey in the wild several years ago, near Pallet Town. Henry knew how much care Alexis gave to the hurt Pidgey, until he healed it completely and it became a regular member of his team. And now he was a great and proud Pidgeot.

“In that case… I choose you Winnie!”

“And this is an interesting battle!” the announcer was excited. “Pidgeot against Piloswine! Once again, Henry has the type advantage, but we have seen what Alexis and his gang is capable of.”

“Let’s the battle begin!” the Judge announced.

“Winnie, Endure!”

“Pidgeot, Feather Dance!” Both Pokemon did their moves without damaging each other. Deep inside, both trainers wanted to see the other attacking first. That’s how intense the battle was.

“C’mon Henry, give it your best!” that voice, that sweet and lovely voice. Henry searched over the people near him, and soon found her. How couldn’t he have seen her, when she was so beautiful, so lovely?

Sarah, he thought. “She’s supporting me.” A hot feeling came from inside. Henry was on fire.

“And Pidgeot is using Wing Attack!” Pidgeot was coming closer at an amazing speed, ready to hit Piloswine. But Henry wasn’t worried. She’s supporting me, he thought. “Ice Beam!”

People went mad when a fully frozen Pidgeot fell to the ground. It was the kind of attack they were hoping to see in Alexis, not in Henry. “And the battle is over! Piloswine wins!”

“Absolutely amazing! Piloswine crushed Pidgeot in a single move! Of course type advantage worked great, but it also seems like Henry overcame the first nerves and is fresh for a victory now!”

“Come back, Pidgeot!” the bird returned to the Pokeball. “I’m sorry, buddy. But I'll win the next one, I promise. Let’s see if you can handle this, dear Henry… Go Umbreon!”

The battle began soon. An interesting meeting between Umbreon and Piloswine. Alexis would fight with all his spirit and his will of winning, but now Henry was inspired. Seeing Sarah in the stadium made him concentrate and encouraging him more to give everything to win.

“Umbreon, Shadow Ball!” Umbreon prepared for the attack, its eyes glowing while a strange, ethereal shadow became growing.

“Winnie, Dig!” the dark ball didn’t hit Piloswine, who was good at digging. At that moment, Alexis and Umbreon couldn’t see the enemy, but Umbreon was prepared.

“Relax and sense it, Umbreon.”

“Um-Um!” answered the Pokemon.

People in the stadium were in silence while Umbreon tried to know the exact position of Piloswine. His yellow rings began to glow and Umbreon prepared. “Perfect, now prepare. You know what to do,” whispered Alexis.

Henry remained in silence, and when he saw Umbreon had found Piloswine, he yelled. “Now Winnie! Horn Attack!” Piloswine emerged from beneath the ground near from Umbreon was expecting him. Piloswine directed his attack, but Umbreon was prepared.

“Snatch!” Umbreon’s rings became shiny again as he attacked Piloswine, while Piloswine’s move didn’t hit the foe. Henry was surprised. “Snatch steals the effect of the foe’s next attack. I knew you would try to attack me, you’re predictable.” Alexis talked to Henry with arrogance.

“This battle isn’t over yet. Winnie, Hail!” all of a sudden, a storm emerged. Tiny ice-balls began falling from the dark cloud over the arena. Umbreon was trying to avoid them, but it wasn’t easy at all.

“This is an amazing battle! Nobody wants to lose this one! Henry and Alexis are leaving all they have!”

“I know! May be if I try… Moonlight!” Alexis yelled at his Pokemon. Umbreon shone a few seconds, but the weather didn’t change.

“It won’t work! Winnie’s Hail is too powerful: it won’t disappear just by using Moonlight. You’re not good at making strategies, too bad Alex. Winnie, it’s your time now! Horn Attack!”

Umbreon didn’t see it. The attack was powerful and there was nothing Umbreon could do, as he was confused in the storm.

"Do it again Winnie!" Henry yelled. His loyal Pokemon attacked. Umbreon was still falling when Piloswine hit him again.

He fell graceless on the cold earth. Some ice balls were still falling, and he fainted. “Umbreon cannot battle anymore! Piloswine wins!”

People cheered with joy. Henry saw Sarah waving a hand to him while he was returning Piloswine to his Pokeball. Thank you Sarah, you inspired me, he thought.

“Now, Henry is three to one ahead. The trainers will have a five minutes break. Don’t get lost! This battle will continue and soon will know the next Champion of the Pokemon Johto League!” the commentator said goodbye to the boys and they returned to the locker-room. Henry was full of happiness although Alexis seemed quite worried.
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Last edited by Feathing; April 3rd, 2009 at 07:29 AM. Reason: Making the fic Better ^^
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  #13    
Old April 2nd, 2009, 11:06 PM
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ShinjisLover
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Quote:
Who would be his next one?
Honestly, it's a bad idea to address the audience like that. . =/ Unless you're writing a comedy (or even a comedic scene), then it's perfectly acceptable.

Quote:
“Let’s the battle begin!” The Judge announced.

You probably mean "Let the battle begin!" and then you're supposed to have the T in 'The' lowercase. So it'd be more like "Let the battle begin!" the judge announced.

Quote:
Both Pokemon did their moves without damaging each other, of course.

The "of course" part was unnecessary.

Quote:
The bird returned to the Poké Ball.

What I wanna know is this: Why can't you put the same accent above the e in Pokémon? If you can do it to Poké Ball, I'm sure Pokémon won't be difficult, right?

Quote:
The dark ball didn’t hit Piloswine, who was too good at digging.

I'd say to get rid of the 'too' in this.

Quote:
His loyal Pokemon attacked again: Umbreon was still falling when Piloswine hit him again.

What's with the random colon? That's an improper use. I'd say to just use a period right here. Also, you ended both of your sentences with 'again', which usually doesn't slide too well with most people. So I'd suggest getting rid of one of them.

All right, I've made it to the end in about three minutes. Record time for me! Not so good for you. Overall, you're lacking description. You have almost 0 description. When you say things like "Umbreon fell", it's not really putting much into the readers' minds. Mind, I know this is your first fic (hence the title), but it's no excuse for poor writing. Instead of just saying that Umbreon had fallen, say "Umbreon soared into the air from the force of the attack, sending him tumbling toward the earth heels over head. The hard soil did nothing to protect his shoulders from the rough fall he had just endured". Notice how there is a lot more description here, which would be better for a reader to read and visualize.


Also, your chapters are way too short. You should try to make them at least 1500 words. One more thing, whenever someone talks, even when the sentence ends in a period, the following word (unless it's a proper noun) should be lowercase. Take this for example:

Quote:
"This battle . . . will know the next Champion of the Pokemon Johto League!” The commentator . . ..


This is the proper way:
"This battle . . . will know the next Champion of the Pokémon Johto League!” the commentator . . ..

Now, you may be wondering why. It's because, despite ending with an exclamation point, the sentence is still going on. So it would lowercased.

I think I've covered most of what I needed to and I hope this review helped.
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  #14    
Old April 3rd, 2009, 07:22 AM
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Feathing
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Originally Posted by ShinjisLover View Post

Honestly, it's a bad idea to address the audience like that. . =/ Unless you're writing a comedy (or even a comedic scene), then it's perfectly acceptable.


You probably mean "Let the battle begin!" and then you're supposed to have the T in 'The' lowercase. So it'd be more like "Let the battle begin!" the judge announced.


The "of course" part was unnecessary.


What I wanna know is this: Why can't you put the same accent above the e in Pokémon? If you can do it to Poké Ball, I'm sure Pokémon won't be difficult, right?


I'd say to get rid of the 'too' in this.


What's with the random colon? That's an improper use. I'd say to just use a period right here. Also, you ended both of your sentences with 'again', which usually doesn't slide too well with most people. So I'd suggest getting rid of one of them.

All right, I've made it to the end in about three minutes. Record time for me! Not so good for you. Overall, you're lacking description. You have almost 0 description. When you say things like "Umbreon fell", it's not really putting much into the readers' minds. Mind, I know this is your first fic (hence the title), but it's no excuse for poor writing. Instead of just saying that Umbreon had fallen, say "Umbreon soared into the air from the force of the attack, sending him tumbling toward the earth heels over head. The hard soil did nothing to protect his shoulders from the rough fall he had just endured". Notice how there is a lot more description here, which would be better for a reader to read and visualize.


Also, your chapters are way too short. You should try to make them at least 1500 words. One more thing, whenever someone talks, even when the sentence ends in a period, the following word (unless it's a proper noun) should be lowercase. Take this for example:



This is the proper way:
"This battle . . . will know the next Champion of the Pokémon Johto League!” the commentator . . ..

Now, you may be wondering why. It's because, despite ending with an exclamation point, the sentence is still going on. So it would lowercased.

I think I've covered most of what I needed to and I hope this review helped.

Yeah, it helped. I know it's lack on description, but this chapter was already checked by my 'helper' so I didn't want her to read it all over again. I'm working on descriptions for the next one.

Honestly, I didn't know that after an exclamation point the next word has to be lowercased. In spanish (I talk spanish) that rule doesn't exist. I assume it happens the same with exclamation points right?

And for the Poké Ball issue.. Word changes it when I write Pokeball, and usually I don't notice XD


BTW: thanks to Xhantine for her review
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Last edited by Feathing; April 3rd, 2009 at 07:29 AM.
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  #15    
Old April 3rd, 2009, 03:23 PM
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ShinjisLover
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If you want, you can bring the next chapter to me after you give it to Tigrerra. I can help you out, too.
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