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Author's Note: Episode Four of Mystery Pokemon Theatre 3000- the first episode with Scarlet as host. Original content was by Gummy.
[The scene is the interior of the Satellite of Love. Andy and Syntax are both sleeping, as Jax sits motionless at a console. Suddenly she falls over, revealing that she, too, is asleep. There’s a knock at the main room’s door. None of the group responds. Finally, the door slides open and three people step in. The first is a rather large dog, with silver-blue fur. The other two are a Charizard and a Pikachu, the latter of which is holding a video camera.]
Scarlet (The Dog) [Sniffing the air]: Huh. Seems like everyone’s unconscious.
Eddie (The Pikachu): No wonder. Three badfics in a row, with no outside help? It’s a wonder they lasted as long as they did.
Char (the Charizard): We had enough problems surviving the one.
[Suddenly, Jax wakes up with a shock and stares at Scarlet and his partners.
Jax: …Just who the hell are you all?
Scarlet: Temps from the Institute. The Higher Staff sent us up to test the effects of bad fanfiction on the brains of animals, large reptilian Pokemon, and people who are already insane.
Jax: So, what, you’re taking over? We can leave now?
Scarlet: That you should be so lucky. No, we’re just taking over for a day or so until we get clearance to go back groundside. So… consider this your day off.
Scarlet: Anyway, we’d better talk to the insane lady.
[The viewscreen flickers to life, revealing Astinus. Her Piplup army seems to be taking a break from feeding her sno-cones, and are instead genuflecting to her.]
Astinus: Good morning Jax! And…. Mutt.
Scarlet:[growling] I have a NAME, you know.
Astinus: Sure you do. Anyway, the badfic we got for you today is an extra-special one. Your assignment is to search it to see if there’s any way I can use the sheer and utter generic-ness of it as part of my ultimate goal to destroy the minds of everyone on earth!
[Suddenly, an Alakazam teleports into the Satellite of Love, and hands Scarlet the fanfic, which he accepts in his mouth. Suddenly, the alarm sounds.]
Char and Eddie: WE’VE GOT FANFIC SIGN!
Scarlet: Mmph! Mmmpfr Mmmm!
Prologue: A Blessing in Disguise
“A great danger has once again threatened our world... And like before, your kind will save us... I sense it... They are coming... The meteor was but a test... Their true objective will soon be clear... They came so many years ago... And now they are back to finish what they started...
Scarlet: “They”? So there’re a bunch of EVIL villains coming after the team now?
The signs will soon show. First, the beast of the sea will awaken, and send waves crashing down on all coasts. Then, the beast of the lands will awaken, and create quakes that shall shake the entire cosmos. And finally, the beast of the sky will awaken, its emerald coated scales glinting in the sunlight, blinding any creature foolish enough to glance its way. And he shall set the world ablaze with beams of energy, as if the sky itself were falling...
Eddie: And there shall come among you in those days, a prophet, whose name shall be called “foreboding exposition”, and he shall tell you of those things which are to pass within the story and of the one whom you must defeat to fix all this crap.
These three events happening chronologically will signify the beginning... of the end. All the legends will soon become involved, fighting over who shall rule and who shall fall. And then they will make themselves known... The False Legends!
Char: You shall know them by the zippers on their backs, and the fact that they shall speak unto you in high-pitched voices.
That is all the knowledge I may share with you. I will clear your memories of your former life... your former self. All you shall remember is your name and your species... your soon to be, former species anyway. Until your quest is complete, you shall be known under a new species. You shall be known as... a Pokemon.”
Scarlet: So wait, why is he clearing out ‘your’ memories again?
Char: Entry fee into the world of Pokemon?
Eddie: Head Trauma?
Scarlet: Or it could just be because he’s a wizard or something. They’re notorious for doing things like this.
I felt an irritating nudge at my side that just wouldn’t stop. I opened my eyes slowly only to see that I was surrounded by a crowd of mysterious creatures. I turned slightly to my left to see to find out what was irritating me so. I saw what seemed to be a four-legged, mouse shaped creature with a cream colored belly, and blue backside. As I looked a little higher, I saw small holes on its back that were giving off a strange heat. That was when I began to think about the situation.
Scarlet [As Narrator]: “I really needed to stop ODing on heroine.”
“What the- What the heck are you... things?!?” I shouted as I jumped to my feet.
“Now, is that any way to treat your rescuers?” said a thunderous voice from behind me, which would strike fear in the hearts of adults. It was obviously male.
Char: Well…. Huh.
Scarlet: Char? What is it?
Char: It’s just…. I can’t…
Eddie: Can’t what?
Char: I can’t mock this fanfic. It’s not that I like it, it’s just that it’s not… ridiculous enough. I mean, so far all we’ve seen is the opening we’ve seen a hundred times in different forms for various console RPGs and the PMD series. Hero with amnesia, sudden wake-up call, ancient prophecy- it’s well, it’s trite but… not ridiculous yet.
Scarlet: …Well, the narrator seems devoid of any degree of personality and the first-person voice is extremely bland.
Char: I know! It’s just… not… stupid. It’s…. it’s…
Char: Exactly! That’s it! This fanfic is boring!
I turned to see a creature very similar to the first, but at the same time, very different. It also had that cream colored belly and blue backside. However, it stood nearly 5 feet tall and where I expected to see similar holes to be, I saw a blazing inferno giving off that same heat as before.
Scarlet: So let’s see… creamy belly, blue backside, and fire coming out of “holes”. That’s got to be the most demented baboon I’ve ever seen.
Char: And it’s a BORING baboon.
“I’ll ignore that due to the crisis you just went through.” he said.
Char: That extremely BORING crisis.
“Crisis? What are you talking about?” I replied, a little bit calmer.
Eddie: What? No wondering ‘Where am I’, ‘What’s going on’, ‘Who and what are you’? The narrator can seriously recover her bearings pretty fast.
Char: Because she’s BORING.
“Man, you must have been in shock or somethin’. You were drowning in the river!” said the first creature, whom I could tell was a young male.
Scarlet [As Narrator]: “Of course, I had to pin him down and flip him over to check first.”
The reply left me utterly confused and I immediately looked down to see if I was wet. Nothing could have prepared me for what I was about to see...
Char: Something else that’s boring, no doubt.
My skin was an unusual green and my arms where EXTREMELY short. I don’t even know if you could call them arms anymore. I touched a bright red, diamond shaped area on my belly and noticed that I was as hard as a rock. I pushed the smaller creature aside in search for the nearest source of water, and heard I slight growl from the larger creature. I ran to the river I was “supposedly” rescued from and looked at my reflection in even more amazement. My eyes where the same red as the diamond shaped portion of my belly, and I noticed a small tail in the shape of an opened fan. I looked down at my small green feet and noticed I was only about two feet tall.
Eddie: Well, for someone who’s extremely ‘amazed’ her narrative voice really isn’t showing it.
“What have I become!” I shouted with all my might before finally collapsing...
Scarlet: The protagonist of your own video game!
I woke after what seemed to be hours. I observed my surroundings and noticed I was in a small hut. I stood up only to remember that I was only two feet tall.
Char: And boring.
Scarlet: Char, that joke is getting really old, really fast.
Char: So it’s becoming boring?
Scarlet: Yes, it’s- HEY!
“It’s about time you woke up. You’ve been out for like... ever.” said a voice from behind me. It was that small creature again.
Eddie: You mean the demon baboon?
“What’s with you creatures and sneaking up on people?” I said, a little irritated that a boy, creature or not, was watching me this whole time.
Char: The narrator has done quite a bit to earn my “affection” so far. I can’t decide what’s more annoying, her paranoia or the fact that she’s boring.
Eddie: I’m wondering if the creature did more than just “watch”.
“Who you callin’ creature? I’m a Pokemon and so are you! I’m a Cyndaquil to be more exact!” he ranted. The only part that caught my attention was when he said we were Pokemon. That word... It sounded so familiar but I was certain I had never heard it before.
Scarlet: So, hints of Déjà vu. Hmm… [he checks ahead]- nope, no actual foreshadowing. How odd.
“Can you... tell me more about these ‘Pokemon’?” I said, eager to learn about what I’ve become.
Eddie: Yeah, your narration is doing such a good job of showing that excitement too.
“Man, you must’ve fallen pretty hard before, but ok. But first, tell me your name. Through your voice I can tell you’re a female, but it’s pretty hard to tell with Larvitars. I’m Zeke, by the way.”
Char: Actually, it’s pretty hard to tell if the narrator is a machine or not, let alone what the gender is.
Larvitar... That must be my species of Pokemon.
“My name... my name is Sapphire” I said, surprised that I even remembered it due to the fact that my mind was a total blank.
Scarlet: Figures that the main character void of any personality would be named after a rock.
“Hmm... Figures a half rock, half ground type Pokemon would be named after a gemstone. Well, lets get to explaining Pokemon!” he said with a jolt of energy. I could tell he anticipated the moment where he could share his knowledge with someone else.
Char: So one main character is void of personality, and the other is in vast need of Ritalin?
He spent the last few hours explaining every aspect of Pokemon. I learned of all types and their weaknesses. I kept all this in the back of my mind, knowing it would come in handy somehow. He told me about all the Pokemon species he knew and finally, about legendary Pokemon. That bit of information left me stunned because I felt as if I already knew it. I then explained that I don’t remember ever being a Pokemon, and that I once was a human. However, that’s where my tale ended as that was all I could remember.
Eddie [As the Cyndaquil]: “Now let me explain the miracle of life- see, when a boy Pokemon likes a girl Pokemon very much, and they’re in the same egg group, they sometimes go to the local daycare and…”
“Hey, do you mind not telling anyone about me being... human. I don’t want anyone thinking I’m weird or anything.” I couldn’t believe I was saying this. I was actually trying to fit in with this region of Pokemon. Although, it was probably because I had no memories of family or friends to go back to, which saved me from the pain of knowing I was away from loved ones.
Scarlet: …We’re sure that the character’s memories were ALL that was taken? Because it seems like her personality went with it.
“Your secret is safe with me, ‘cause friends keep secrets!” he said with a grin.
Char: Wow, super-trusting, super-exuberant, and super-annoying.
Eddie: Say whatever else you want about this fanfic, it at least has contrast between its leads- one needs serious medication, and the other one needs a personality transplant. And possibly to get laid.
Friend... My first memory of a friend and I felt strangely overjoyed. Maybe this new life wouldn’t be so bad...
Scarlet: It just occurred to me that I left the oven on back on earth. Maybe I should go and-
Eddie and Char: SIT DOWN, SCARLET.
Chapter 1: Mission Impossible
“Why are you staring at me like that?” Zeke asked with a confused look.
Scarlet: Oh, sorry, I was just trying to figure out how one character can be this hyperactive and annoying.
“Oh, sorry about that.” I replied, gaining back my sense or reality.
Char: So which was it?
Suddenly, the large pokemon from before, who I now know is a Typhlosion thanks to Zeke’s explanation, rushed into the hut. He was holding a blue badge with a golden star in the middle that immediately caught Zeke’s attention.
Eddie: Zeke is easily distracted by shiny objects.
“Holy Miltank! Is that what I think it is!?” Zeke shouted with excitement.
Scarlet: That depends. If you think it’s a plastic toy from a happy meal, then quite possibly.
“You got it, son! It’s your rescue badge!” replied the Typhlosion, equally excited.
Char: Great, now we have TWO ridiculously hyper characters.
Son? Well, I guess it made sense...
Zeke jumped forward, using his hind legs, and grabbed the badge from his father.
Eddie: As opposed to jumping forward and using only your front legs?
“Now I can start my own rescue team, just like you dad! But where am I going to find anyone in the village at my low level, willing to go on rescue missions?”
Scarlet [As Father]: “The Lord shall provide, my son.”
“You’ve already found one.” He said looking my way, as if the statement was directed at me.
Char [As Zeke]: “But Dad, I don’t wanna partner with a rock!”
Eddie: Yep, sure, send the kid out into a dangerous career with only an amnesiac with possible brain damage to help him. Yep, that’s EXACTLY what a good father does.
I stared back at him until I finally understood what he was talking about. “Whoa, whoa – hold up a sec. Are you saying you want me to partner up with Zeke?”
Scarlet [As Sapphire]: “I’m just not sure I’m ready to enter such a committed relationship.”
Char: Hey, she registered an emotion beyond blind shock. Maybe she DOES have a personality.
Eddie: Nah, Can’t be.
Zeke had told me about rescue missions and teams, and that the team must have at least two rescuers. He also said that almost all missions required Pokemon battling, due to the recent disasters causing Pokemon to become outraged. To use an attack, all you had to do was know its name and wrap your mind around it. I could probably use the most common attack, tackle, but that was about it.
Scarlet: So…. Pokemon go nuts during natural disasters and attack people for no reason. Suuuuuurrrrrre.
Char: Because no video game is complete without random encounters.
And then, with a sudden change in tone, the Typhlosion said, “There’s been a lot mission popping up and the current amount of rescue teams can’t handle it. My team will be gone soon on an S-rank mission and the village needs all the help it can get until we return.” I could tell he was serious about this.
Eddie: Sorry, but going on a S-Rank mission doesn’t give you the right to attack grammar.
With some deep though, I replied, “Oh... okay. But don’t expect me to do much battling.”
Now that I was a Pokemon, I don’t think I could simply attack another Pokemon with the intention of seriously hurting it.
Scarlet: As opposed to before, when you had absolutely no problem with it?
“That’s okay with me; you’ll be the rescuer while I cover you with my attacks.” Zeke said with a smile. He was probably just happy that he could even start a rescue team.
Char: I’m ecstatic. Really.
Then, with a slight grown, the Typhlosion said, “No Zeke, that’s not okay. You have yet to raise the flame on your back, which means you can’t use fire type attacks.”
Eddie: Don’t worry, I’m sure that once he hits puberty Zeke won’t have such a problem with getting it up.
Scarlet: Well, that has to be the farthest we’ve ever made it through a fanfic without a double-entendre.
The smile on Zeke’s face disappeared just as fast as it came as he darted out of the hut. I ran after him only to stop at the entrance and look back at the now frowning Typhlosion.
Char: Zeke doesn’t like his dad telling the girls about his erectile function disorder.
‘No father should have to shoot down his son’s dreams’ I thought to myself as I left the hut.
Scarlet: Because, you know, providing his son a license to start a rescue team is shooting down his dreams, all right.
Char: Maybe they mean Zeke’s dreams of getting laid?
I found Zeke on the eastern edge of the town, looking at a bulletin board.
Eddie [As Zeke]: “Ooooooooh…. Shiny.”
“What ‘cha doin’?” I said softly as I approached him.
Scarlet: No consistency in word choice and dialogue style. Bad sign.
“I’m looking for a mission for us to go on.” He replied, simply
Char [As Zeke]: “Hopefully the client is offering some viagra as a reward for completion.”
“What are you talking about? We’re not ready to go on a mission!” I shouted
Eddie: Yay, another emotion registered. So she’s not a robot, she’s just PMSing.
“Of course we are. Why would dad get me so exciting, and then tell me I’m still not ready?”
Scarlet: Because your dad is a cocktease?
I thought about it for a second and said, “Maybe it’s because he thought I knew how to battle.”
Char: Because rescue teams capable of taking on S-Rank missions are composed of people dumb enough to think that an amnesiac is perfectly capable of taking care of their son?
“I talked to you about battling and I know you can do it” he said, still fixated on the bulletin.
Eddie: The board is so shiny that Zeke cannot tear his gaze away.
“Rescue missions aren’t games! Both the rescuer’s and the victim’s lives are at-.”
Scarlet: Actually, so far this fanfic is basically a video game heading for the opening level.
“Okay! Found one!” He said, cutting me off and disregarding my comment. He then read the mission brief out load:
Char: As opposed to reading it in load?
Mission location: Mt. Steel
Mission objective: My Pikachu friend went on a traveling journey a few days ago and told me she would contact me through Pidgey Mail once she got through the mountain. However she has yet to contact me. Please, someone save her.
Mission Rank: C"
Scarlet: Wow… that’s rather large font. Did the mission take up the entire board, or something?
“Are you out of you mind!” I shouted. “There’s no way we can do this. Your father doesn’t even think we’re ready for a D-rank mission!”
Eddie: …Which he explicitly stated…. Where, again?
“So let’s prove him wrong!” he shouted back, finally looking at me.
Scarlet: Hey, if we’re lucky maybe everyone will die!
“Follow me!” he ordered as he ran to an empty lot. I follow him until he stopped.
Char: In front of a Ford pickup parked in the empty lot, no doubt.
“It’s getting late, maybe we-.” I was cut off again as Zeke charged at me and hit me right on the diamond-shaped area on belly. I staggered back a few feet before regaining my balance.
Eddie: Hey, Zeke hates Sapphire almost as much as we do!
“Hey! What was that for!?” I yelled with a growl.
Scarlet [As Zeke]: “You disrespected the shiny board, and you know the secret of my erectile dysfunction. Now you must die.”
“We’re having a battle idiot. I’m going to show you that we both can fight” he said before charging at me again, this time even faster.
Char: Because injuring your partner is the best way to prepare for a rescue mission, no doubt.
I narrowly dodged the attack and scratched him on the nose as he passed by.
Eddie: Let’s see… how boring is this battle so far?
Char: Boring-o-meter measures it as “Bored Stiff”, so thankfully it has just enough excitement to keep it above the lethal level.
‘Maybe I am ready for battles’ I thought to myself getting ready to use a tackle of my own.
Scarlet: Because you managed to dodge the attack of another completely inept fighter? Apparently being largely without a consistent personality hasn’t given the narrator any type of logical abilities to compensate.
I rushed toward him when he opened his mouth wide and released a smoke so thick you’d think the sun’s energy had just burned out. I discontinued my attack and coughed violently while searching for my opponent. Then, out of the thickness of the smoke, Zeke appeared and hit me square on the belly, sending me flying straight in to a rock. I struggled to stand up only to discover that my heel was now bleeding.
Char: The part of Sapphire will be played by Achilles.
“Okay, okay! I surrender!” I shouted to the thick, black fog.
Eddie: Then Zeke killed her, the end.
All: At least, we wish.
Within seconds the fog disappeared and Zeke was sitting on top of a rock with a huge grin.
Scarlet: Zeke enjoys beating up invalids.
“How do you like my smokescreen attack?” he teased before noticing the cut on my heel. “Oh, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to make you bleed.”
Char: Zeke’s a Cyndaquil, right? And Sapphire’s skin is rock hard? So…. How did he manage to injure her, again?
Eddie: He practices the ancient martial art of the fist of Deus Ex Machina.
“It wasn’t you, it was this damn rock!” I replied with a smile on my face. I knew this meant we couldn’t go on the mission tonight.
Scarlet: Oh, so the rock did it- which either means Zeke hit Sapphire hard enough that she shattered the rock on impact, or it was super-jagged. We don’t know. Could be either. Could be both.
Char: Does it really matter?
Scarlet: Regrettably, no, but trying to figure out the odds of each is actually more fun than reading the battle sequence itself.
“Well, see you tomorrow night for the mission!” he said before darting off to the hut. He suddenly stopped, turned my way, and shouted, “Oh yeah, I almost forgot. My dad checked out a room for you at the hotel on the north side of town. Just tell the Noctowl that Jack sent you and he’ll show you to your room!”
Eddie [As Zeke]: “And don’t worry about the noises in the next room, that’s just Dad cutting a deal with the local mafia behind closed doors.”
I just stood there, more stunned that he still wanted to go on the mission than the fact that his dad spent money on me.
Scarlet: …Because the fact that he won made you think that he’d give up his goal or something?
After a few seconds of silence, I regained my sense of reality and ran to the northern part of town. After following Zeke’s instructions, I was led to my room where I laid on my small bed.
Char: And did nothing interesting. Much like what you’ll be doing for the remainder of the fanfic.
‘That battle wasn’t so bad. I felt a sudden rush while battling like it was my destiny or something. Maybe Zeke was right. Maybe we could make this rescue team thing work out.’ I thought to myself before drifting off into a much needed sleep...
Eddie: ….Sapphire’s a complete idiot, isn’t she.
Scarlet: Took you long enough.
Chapter 2: Tragedy at Mt. Steel
I woke up the next morning filled with energy. I dashed out of the hotel and saw Zeke talking a fox-like Pokemon with brown and cream-colored fur.
Scarlet: “Talking” here meaning “Chatting up”?
“Good morning, Zeke!” I shouted as I approached them.
Char: And now Sapphire’s in need of Ritalin.
“Hey Sapphire! I’d like you to meet my long time friend, Seth.” he replied, pointing at the Eevee next to him.
Eddie: But I thought Sapphire was his best friend?
Scarlet: Zeke is everybody’s best friend.
“Nice to meet you, Sapphire.” he said with a cool, calm voice as if we knew each other all our lives.
Char: …Which is in contrast to meeting someone for the first time, when you flip out?
“Likewise,” I then turn to Zeke and whispered, “So, you ready for tonight?”
Eddie [As Zeke]: “Yep, I’ve got the condoms ready, all we need to do is head to the love hotel.”
“Ah yes, you two are going on a rescue mission tonight.” Seth said, just as cool and calm as before. I was a little surprised until I saw his fox-like ears shaking rapidly. Those big, pointed ears probably couldn’t miss anything.
Scarlet: But can he see why kids love cinnamon toast crunch?
“Wait... how do you know we’re going on a rescue mission?”
Char: Well, you did just say those ears wouldn’t miss anything.
“Well, because I’m coming with you.” he replied with that cool and calm tone once again.
Eddie: Uh oh. Trouble in paradise.
“Zeke! We’re supposed to be a team. You can’t make decisions like adding a new member without consulting me first!” I shouted, glaring at Zeke who seemed to flinch from my stare.
Scarlet: A word to the wise, Zeke- never start a threesome without the third member’s knowledge.
“Zeke made the right choice. Pokemon as weak as you two wouldn’t last five minutes in Mt. Steel.” His tone was starting to annoy me.
Char: Come to think of it, shouldn’t Sapphire be HAPPY that Zeke invited someone else? The other day, she was concerned that they wouldn’t be able to complete the mission, and now she’s all “KTHNX, WE CAN HANDLE IT.”
Eddie: Maybe this is her stunt double?
I charged at Seth, in hopes of showing him that I was ready for any battle. I was only about a foot away from him when he dodged to the left and hit me with a tackle of his own. His attack was much stronger than Zeke’s from the previous night, but my rock-hard skin seemed to absorb most of the impact and damaged him a little at the same time.
Scarlet: Because as we learned from Zeke, randomly attacking your future team mates right before a big mission is the best way to handle any dispute.
“I’m sorry my friend, but your physical attacks will hurt you more than they hurt me!” I shouted, charging at him with another tackle.
Char: That’s funny, Zeke beat the crud out of you with them last time.
Then suddenly, with his fox-like tail, he swept up some dust from the ground and shot it at my eyes. I immediately stopped my charge and violently rubbed my eyes to get the dust out. Seth, who seized the moment, came running at me with blinding speed and hit me square on the bright red, diamond-shaped patch on my stomach. As the attack sent me flying, I noticed that he didn’t flinch from attacking me this time.
Eddie [As Seth]: “FALCON… PAWNCH!”
“It seems someone has a weak spot.” he said, walking slowly towards me.
“Okay guys, that’s enough. I need both of you for the mission tonight.” Zeke finally said, interrupting the battle.
Char: And when Zeke is the only one smart enough to keep an eye on the big picture, you know the entire fanfic is going downhill fast.
“Whatever, I believe I’ve proved my point about you guys being weak.”
Eddie: …Because you got a single cheap shot in a battle with a total rookie, you’re so much stronger?
Seth walked over to me and helped me up but I simply pushed him aside and shouted, “I’m going for a walk!”
Scarlet: Alright- first things, being a four-legged animal myself I’ve got to wonder HOW Seth helped Sapphire up, exactly. And second, is it just me or is Sapphire PMSing much?
“Meet us in the center of town at sunset!” Zeke shouted as I darted off to the west.
Char: …Because traveling to a giant mountain at night is a good idea.
This was the first time I had actually taken a look around the village. All of the houses were made of logs from oak and elm trees. The houses were held together with a sticky, transparent slime. I turned to my left to see a house being built across the road. I saw a pink Pokemon, who stood about four feet tall, with a cream-colored belly with pink stripes. It opened its mouth and released a tongue that stretched out about three fourths of its height. With its super long tongue, it licked the log violently and stuck on another log. Amazingly, the saliva held tight and kept the logs attached.
Eddie: ….Did the author just engage in Worldbuilding? THAT’S IMPOSSIBLE!
‘That’s disgusting’ I thought, noticing that the very foundation of this village was a Pokemon’s saliva.
Scarlet: Well, it’s disgusting to me that this fanfic’s foundation is a main character who is a PMSing girl turned into a Larvitar for no apparent reason, but you don’t hear me complaining… oh wait.
I continued my walk and noticed a huge sign near, what seemed to be, the entrance to the village. In big letters, the sign said: Welcome to Grace Town, where adventures begin!
Char: Grace Town has a tourist industry, I presume.
I glanced at the sun and saw that it was slowly setting. I dashed toward the center of the town, eager to get this mission over with.
Eddie: …How did it get late so fast?
Scarlet: Time-lapse photography?
I saw Zeke and Seth sitting near a huge, obsidian rock. It must have been sacred to the village as it was the only of its kind, and it had strange writing on it. I noticed a small bag tied around Seth’s tail which probably was filled with food for our travels.
Char: …So because it’s an odd rock… it must be sacred? Huh?
Eddie: WARNING- THIS IS AN IMPORTANT ROCK.
“It’s about time.” Seth said, nodding at me.
The time was finally here! We were finally going on a rescue mission! We were exiting Grace Town when I decided to take one last look.
Scarlet: …Talk about 180 degrees. Does Sapphire even REMEMBER the fact that she thought Zeke had a death wish the other day?
“See ya tomorrow morning” I said softly before catching up with Zeke and Seth.
Char: I’m hoping a Steelix eats them before then.
Scarlet and Eddie: Agreed.
It took about 2 and a half hours, but we finally arrived at Mt. Steel. The mountain sides were comprised of both many different rocks and many different metals. It stood so high that the top of the mountain couldn’t be seen with the naked eye. I looked to my right and saw a cave opening that probably led deep into the mountain, and maybe even through the other side. I ran towards it as the others followed. That was when I noticed the horrible truth.
Eddie: Sapphire realizes that she’s stuck in a PMD generic fic.
Char: Sapphire realizes just how boring she really is, and stops telling everyone about her adventures. That’s how this ends…. Anytime now.
“Uh guys... What part of the mountain is Pikachu in?” I asked frantically.
Scarlet: Oh, just follow the screams of pain and I think you’ll do alright.
“Are you serious? Why do you think this was ranked as C and not D? The client expects the rescuers to search the entire mountain.” Seth said with his cool and calm tone.
“The entire mountain? That’ll take days!” Zeke shouted.
Char: If I’m forced to sit here that long, the higher staff are going to die.
“That’s exactly why we’re going to split up. I’ll search the cave on my own while you two search the ledges for another entrance.”
Eddie: ….Seth’s just getting them out of the way so he can finish the job alone, isn’t he.
Scarlet: Ask me no questions, I’ll tell you no lies.
“Who died and made you leader?” I muttered under my breath.
“I heard that.” he shouted while running into the cave.
Char: Of course he did, his massive ears give him an automatic plus five on his listen check.
“Well, it’s just us two now.” I said, turning in Zeke’s direction.
Eddie: Let’s see if Zeke’s eighteen charisma can make up for his erectile function disorder, shall we?
Scarlet: Eddie, you’re a sick little rodent.
Eddie: Thank you.
“Then lets get started.” he simply said before running along the side of the mountain, looking for a way to get to a higher elevation.
Char: Sure, running along the sides of sheer slopes is easy. The Matrix said so!
We must’ve ran at least 50 feet around the mountain before finding a huge tree very close to a mountain ledge. We climbed the tree and from the top, hopped on the ledge. Soon enough, we found an opening just big enough for the both of us to fit through.
Eddie: Dea Ex Machina?
Scarlet: More like “God out of the hole in the mountain.”
The interior of the mountain was just as incredible as the outside. The walls were lined with multi-colored, glinting gems that illuminated the entire area. There were many ledges and ridges that could easily be used to get to a higher or lower elevation.
Char: Welcome to level one of this video game: The obligatory dungeon made from natural crystals.
“Maybe this mission won’t be so hard.” I said with a smile on my face.
Eddie: Cue the obligatory sudden dilemma.
“Oh yeah, well think again.” said a voice behind us. It was an eerie, robotic voice that pronounced every syllable perfectly.
Scarlet: Unlike all the other characters, who slur their words?
Both I and Zeke turned around to see Pokemon... or at least we thought it was one. It was a small, silvery gray sphere with an eye in the middle. It had two magnets attached to it and was floating off the ground.
Char: I was going to say it was Magnemite, until I read the bit about the eye and realized it was a metal Cyclops. MAGNEMITE HAVE SCREWS PEOPLE. NOT EYES.
It swooped in low to tackle us at an amazingly slow speed. I seized the opportunity and jumped up in the air and stomped his little metal body into the ground. He levitated back up for a retreat only to be hit by a pretty powerful tackle from Zeke. He lied unconscious on the floor as me and Zeke ran past him remembering the mission objective.
Scarlet: Sapphire must have rolled a natural twenty when she attacked.
“And Seth says we’re weak” I said as we picked up the pace a bit.
Char: ...Question- just why did the Magnemite attack them?
Eddie: It was a random encounter. Anything you meet in a random encounter wants to kill you. Honestly, Char, you’d think you’d never played an RPG in your life.
We figured Seth would be checking the underground areas so we kept going up. We were about 75 feet above the ground when we came to a huge boulder blocking a ledge that we needed to jump on to if we hoped to get any higher.
Scarlet: So they turned around and went home, the end.
Char and Eddie: We wish.
“Hey, come over here.” Zeke whispered.
Eddie: Zeke wants Sapphire to help him test the potency of the Viagra he just took.
I turned towards him and saw that he was pointing at an opening in the wall. We both squeezed through the opening and continued our trek up the mountain side until we found another opening to the interior.
Scarlet: How… convenient. What, is the mountain designed explicitly to let people in?
We were now at nearly 100 feet when we saw it. A small, yellow mouse-like Pokemon with bright red cheeks, pointed ears and a lightning shaped tail lying unconscious on the ground. It was surrounded by three of those weird Pokemon from before.
Char: Uh oh. Boss battle time.
“Aww man, Pikachu’s a really in a bind.” I whispered, trying to figure out how we could handle this. Sure we could take out one of those guys but for these guys to be placed as guards, they must’ve been pretty strong. Let alone the fact that there were three of them.
Eddie: If they’re doing this because they’re upset… why bother posting a guard?
“Hey Zeke, maybe we-.” was all I was able to say before noticing that he wasn’t even there. I scoped the room and saw that he was standing right in front of the weird Pokemon. He looked at me and jerked at the Pikachu, as if he was signaling something. I immediately caught on and nodded. He then ran in the opposite of the direction of the Pikachu, with all of the weird Pokemon following him.
Scarlet: If they’re supposed to actually be guards, they must really such at their job.
‘I guess he was right about him doing the battling while I rescue’ I thought as I ran as fast as I could to the Pikachu.
Char: Who was already dead by the time she got there, ridding the world of another useless rodent.
I poked it a few times before it finally opened its eyes and stared at me as if I were an angel.
Scarlet [As Sapphire]: “Then I poked it a few more times just for the fun of it."
“Please tell me you’re here to help me.” said the Pikachu with a faint, female voice.
Eddie: For you, babe, I would do anything.
Scarlet: Eddie, I thought we had a talk about ogling badfic Pikachu.
Eddie: …Nobody understands me.
“Don’t worry; we’ll get you out of here.” I said, helping her to her feet.
“Thank you so very much. My name is Silk, by the way. Will you honor me by telling me the names of my rescuers?” she whispered. I could tell she was very weak and exhausted.
Char: Trust me, being rescued by these two is NOT an honor.
“Oh, I’m Sapphire. That Cyndaquil over there is-.” I immediately stopped as I saw Zeke’s motionless body only a few feet away. The Pokemon surrounding him were lighting up with electricity, preparing for the final blow.
Eddie: …Wow, his distraction worked for all of, what, five seconds? This guy’s pathetic.
“Zeke!” I shouted as I ran to his side and glared at the three magnet Pokemon.
Scarlet: Sapphire prepares to give the three Magnemites a stern finger-wagging and a lecture.
“What a waste of talent. A fire pokemon that can not even use fire-type attacks. We will be sure to make this as quick and painless as possible.” said one of the Pokemon before the entire group discharged their electricity, aiming for Zeke.
Char: …They do have a motive for this, right?
Eddie: Well, they might hate Zeke as much as we do.
Char: Now there’s a thought.
Then, without thinking, I leaped in front of Zeke and took the attack head on. To my surprise the electric attack didn’t hurt much at all. I then remembered that Zeke told me skin of rock and ground type Pokemon conducts electricity worse than rubber. However, the triple shock made me wince a little.
Eddie: You sure it wasn’t just your main character shield kicking in?
“You... you saved me.” Zeke whispered.
Scarlet: To our everlasting regret, yes.
“Hey, I bet you’d do the same for me.” I turned to Zeke to see a big smile with a hint of anger towards the magnet Pokemon.
Char: Oh boy, she jumps in front of him and he’s suddenly fully recovered?
Zeke, with a confident look on his face, stood up and got in an attacking position.
Eddie [pulling out trading cards]: Let’s see… I switch my “hyperactive Cyndaquil” into attack position. Response?
Scarlet [Also pulling out trading cards]: Er…. Chain Threatening Roar.
“I hate rock and ground type Pokemon. We might not be able to hurt you, but we’ll kill that Pikachu and Cyndaquil.” said the magnet Pokemon from before, glaring at me.
Char: …Why, again?
Scarlet: They’re obviously the mid-boss of the dungeon, Char. They HAVE to attack the player characters.
Suddenly, the magnets on the three Pokemon started glowing with a white light that drew the three Pokemon together. Then, when the three Pokemon were joined, their entire body’s lit up with a white light that illuminated every corner of the room. When the light faded, I could see the three Pokemon were tightly stuck together, and electricity jumping around the newly formed Pokemon’s body. Zeke had also told me about Pokemon evolution, but I never thought I’d see one up close.
Eddie: And… cue the boss battle theme. [Generic RPG battle music begins playing.]
I turned to Zeke expecting him to have the same surprised look as me but what I saw in fact got me more surprised. On Zeke’s back was a red and orange blazing inferno. He opened his mouth slowly and released a small flame.
Scarlet: Zeke’s rage released his true powers! Zeke learned “Ember” and “Flamethrower”!
‘Show off...’ I thought as I became concentrated on the battle again.
Char: Time for some epic music, folks.
Scarlet: And a one, and a two, and a…
All: THIS IS THE ULTIMATE SHOWDOWN (OF ULTIMATE DESTINY)/GOOD GUYS BAD GUYS AND EXPLOSIONS (AS FAR AS THE EYE CAN SEE)/AND ONLY ONE WILL SURVIVE, I WONDER WHO IT WILL BE?...
“Let me handle this, Sapphire. Go protect the Pikachu.” ordered Zeke.
Char: Ohhhh, he’s going it alone. Must be a scripted boss fight.
“Okay, but don’t go dying on me.” I shouted as I ran back to Silk.
Eddie: On second thought, Zeke, don’t worry about that last bit.
A red, blue and yellow orb appeared in front of the magnet Pokemon that fired a tri-colored beam at Zeke. Zeke darted to the left, narrowly dodging the attack, and charged at the Pokemon with blinding fast speed, even leaving afterimages behind him. He impacted the Pokemon with full force, sending it flying a few feet. When the Pokemon regained its balance, it coated itself in electricity and charged at Zeke. However, Zeke kept his ground and waited for the Pokemon to get closer. When the Pokemon was only about two feet away, Zeke let out a barrage of flames, severely burning his opponent. The smell of burning metal immediately filled the room. Amazingly, after a few seconds of silence, the Pokemon levitated once again.
Scarlet: Wow, the Magneton survived the Limit Break. Pretty impressive.
“I have to give it to you, little mouse. You put up a good fight, but you just can’t beat me.” said the Pokemon with an overconfident tone.
Char: These villains never learn, do they? The moment they tell a shounen action hero that victory is impossible, the chances of the hero winning go up to near one hundred percent.
Then it happened... A white flash shot across the room, smacked off of the magnet Pokemon, sending it over the cliff, and landed on a nearby rock.
“What did I say about you two being too weak to battle?” I could recognize that cocky voice from anywhere.
“Stealing my win just like old times, Seth.” Zeke said, with a huge grin on his face.
Scarlet: I thought this was Zeke’s first mission. Where was he fighting before, and who?
“I’m sorry, it was so tempting.” said the Eevee, jumping off of the rock.
Char: Seth used CHEAP SHOT! It’s super-effective!
“It’s not over yet...” said a robotic voice from over the cliff. The magnet Pokemon levitated slowly, still over the edge of the cliff.
Eddie: And just like a real mid-boss, the Magneton stubbornly refuses to die.
“Why won’t you die!” shouted Silk, very unexpectedly.
Char: …Wow, I didn’t expect the Pikachu to be a psycho.
Scarlet: You know, if it turned out that she’s absolutely nuts that could be amusing.
With a jolt of energy, she jumped off the rock and sent a jolt of electricity at the magnet Pokemon. It was a fairly weak attack, but I immediately saw its purpose. The shock disrupted the Pokemon’s magnet field, which was the thing keeping him up in the air, and sent him plummeting nearly 100 feet to his doom. However, his final words left me shuddering in fear.
Char: What, did he recite the entirety of H.P. Lovecraft’s “Call of Cthulhu” on the way down?
“Steelix! It’s up to you now! Make sure these children never see the light of day again. Make sure they don’t even live to see the Legendary strike!” shouted the magnet Pokemon before finally falling so hard onto a huge, pointed rock, that it actually was separated back into three parts.
Eddie: Wow. That cliff must have a reaaallly long drop, and Magneton’s voice must carry reaaallllly far.
“What’s the heck is a ‘Steelix’? And what does he mean Legen-.” Zeke stopped there as he saw a large, gray Pokemon in the stance of a cobra at the base of the mountain.
Scarlet: Ah, Zeke, you forgot: Where there is a mid-boss, there must be an actual boss as well.
Its tail shined a bright white before repeatedly slamming it into the mountain. We weren’t worried at first until the mountain started shaking violently. We frantically searched for another exit, as walking along the edge of a shaking mountain 100 feet in the air was out of the question. Then suddenly, the floor below us gave way, and we were falling...
Char: Wow, rocks fall and everyone dies. What a perfect way to end the fanfic!
Eddie: But it’s not over yet.
Char: It’s still perfect.
Four young Pokemon, hopelessly falling...
Falling to our death...
Scarlet: And nobody cares.
I turned to Seth and saw him bounce of a rock and grab Zeke, then bounce off another rock. He was doing this to make sure they didn’t end up on the bottom of the pileup. He a torn look at me, and I immediately knew he could only do it to one Pokemon at a time. Then, with another unexpected act, Silk copied Seth’s idea by grabbing me and bouncing off rock to rock, keeping us above the rockslide. We were bouncing all over the place and I knew there was a very small chance we’d find our way back to town
Scarlet: Alright, folks, let’s recap what’s happening here.
Char: The four of them are free falling from a giant mountain. As in, not standing on anything.
Eddie: Somehow, in mid-air, Silk (who had been badly injured earlier) and Seth managed to grab the other two and push off of thin air to jump from rock to rock, somehow avoiding hitting ground.
Scarlet: All of this in defiance of the laws of physics as we know them.
Char: …Did the author watch Naruto right before he wrote this, or something?
Then, as fast as it begun, it had ended. Our battered bodies stood on top of a pileup that stood at least 20 feet tall. We hopped our way down and looked back to see Mt. Steel completely obliterated.
Eddie: Jeez, that’s a fragile mountain. Just a few blows, and down it went.
Char: Forget that. The mountain used to be hundreds of feet high… and the pileup is twenty feet? Continuity, where are you?
“Aww man... My dad’s so gonna kill me!” Zeke shouted as he stared at the remains. I couldn’t help but snicker a little at the comment.
Scarlet: Why, was it Zeke’s job to make sure that the mountain didn’t collapse?
After resting for a while, and everyone getting acquainted with Silk, we walked off into the sunrise, hoping we were going in the correct direction...
Char: “Getting acquainted with” here meaning “slept with.”
Chapter 3: The Sacred Forest
“Well it’s obvious we’re going the wrong way...” Seth said, frowning. That was the first time I saw him worried.
Scarlet: …So why are you still going that way?
“I’m sure we’ll get back to Grace!” Zeke said, hoping that would cheer him up.
Char: Just in time to see it obliterated, probably, since we still have a few more RPG clichés to fill in.
“Don’t fill your heads up with false hope. Truth is we could be miles away from this ‘Grace’. Our best bet is to keep going down this road and find the nearest village.” Silk said with a very serious tone.
No one talked for about an hour as we continued our search for civilization. The road led us to a dark forest that gave us all the creeps, even Seth, who had seemed to regain himself. All of the trees stood at least 20 feet high there were so many. It was probable that little to no sunlight reached some parts of the forest.
Scarlet: Newsflash- the number of trees does not determine their height. Look it up.
Finally, breaking the silence, I said, “This forest seems to be the only way to the other side. You guys sure about this?”
Eddie: No, they aren’t. Because I’m pretty sure you guys KNOW YOU’RE GOING THE WRONG WAY.
“Do we have a choice?” Seth said before walking into the forest. Unsure of what to do, the rest of us followed him.
Scarlet: Or here’s an idea. If you KNOW you’re going the opposite direction from home, TURN AROUND.
The forest was just as creepy from the inside than the outside. The trees were all bunched up together, giving us very little room to walk. After what felt like hours, we found a big clearing that was perfect for resting. We knew were walking for a long time when we saw that the moon had come out. However, it made no difference as the moonlight probably wasn’t seen from other parts of the forest.
Char: The fact that you were walking for a long time made no difference because you couldn’t see the moon? What, is one of them a werewolf?
“Okay, we’re officially lost!” Zeke shouted, lying on a patch of grass.
Eddie [As Zeke]: “HEY, ALL THE ROBBER BANDITS AND PREDATORS! WE’RE RIGHT HERE, COME EAT US!”
“Keep your voice down, Zeke.” Silk whispered, glaring at him.
Scarlet: Oh, nice, the miraculously healing Pikachu has a few brain cells.
Char: Maybe she didn’t heal. She might just have the passive ability “Critical Berserk” equipped.
Eddie: How many obscure video game references are we going to make before the end of this thing?
“WHY SHOULD I!?” Zeke shouted at the top of his lungs on purpose.
Eddie: That’s it Zeke. Rebel against the only one in the party who has a brain.
“Because we’re not alone.” Seth replied before slapping Zeke with his tail.
Scarlet: TAILSLAPPED! You have been OWNED!
“Well it seems we’ve been found out...” said a mysterious voice from the shadows.
Char: Just great, ANOTHER random encounter.
“Show yourself!” I shouted to the shadows, not sure if I was even facing in their direction.
Eddie: Not sure if you’re facing the shadows? What, are you night-blind?
Then suddenly, two Pokemon jumped out from the shadows. The first Pokemon had crimson red skin that shined in the moonlight and looked somewhat bug-like. It had white wings and two large, pincer-like claws.
Scarlet: Oops, not a random encounter. Potential boss battle!
The second Pokemon was a dog-like creature with black fur and two horns on its head bending backwards. It had had a long, pointed tail that swung violently as it growled at us.
After a few second of silence, the Houndoom spoke, “What are you kids doing so far out into the woods?” He had a strong masculine voice. I can tell it was him who was talking to us from the shadows.
Char: His voice was so strong and masculine that Sapphire instantly fell in love.
“We- we were lo- lost.” Zeke stuttered.
Eddie: …So five minutes ago he was cocky shounen hero, now he’s blithering coward? Earth to author, character consistency is in dire need of improvement.
“Oh man up, Zeke. We’re looking for the nearest village. You got a problem with that?” Seth said, walking towards the two Pokemon.
Scarlet: Aw, how cute, the Eevee is trash-talking a pair of powerful evolved Pokemon. What, is Seth gonna cute them to death?
“Watch yourself kid! You’re lucky we don’t kill right now!” shouted the Scizor with a strong, feminine voice.
Char: So strong and feminine that Seth fell in love.
“Like you can...” Seth said with a smirk. I was beginning to think he was trying to start a fight.
Eddie: Great guys, you gave him an idea.
That’s when a small badge on the Scizor’s claw. It was red with a Platinum star in the middle. They were a rescue team, which meant they couldn’t harm other Pokemon unless they stopped them from completing their mission.
Char: FOUL! NO VERB IN FIRST SENTENCE! AUTHOR! FIVE-LINE PENALTY, REVISE FANFIC!
“Look, you guys don’t want to be in the Sacred Forest at this time.” said the Houndoom with a serious tone.
Eddie: Oh, so no boss battle? Aw, maaaaaan. I was sort of enjoying them.
“Why does it matter? Morning and night mean nothing to us since almost no light hits this place. We just rely on Zeke’s flame.” Silk said, now confident that the Pokemon weren’t going to attack.
Scarlet: Y’know, if they were really a rescue team… why did the Scizor threaten them?
Char: What, is EVERY female in the fanfic PMSing?
“That’s not the problem. Lately, we’ve been getting 15 missions a day reporting Pokemon disappearing in these woods. Sadly, we complete less than 5 of those missions a day.” said the Scizor, just as serious as the Houndoom.
Eddie: Aw, how cute. She’s suddenly concerned about the Pokemon she was threatening to kill five seconds ago!
“Are you saying there’s something here... killing the Pokemon?” I asked worriedly.
Scarlet: Oh great. So THAT’s the boss they’ll be fighting.
“Well, I don’t know about killing, but they aren’t seen or heard again.” replied the Houndoom.
“Just because we’re kids doesn’t mean anything will scare us. We’re a rescue team too.” Seth said, pulling out the rescue badge from the bag he tied around his tail.
Eddie: Seth KNOWS he can cute anything he runs into to death.
“Hmm... Okay, continue your business here. But don’t complain if you don’t make it out of here alive.” said the Scizor, nodding at his partner. And with that, they were off, running back into the shadows.
Scarlet: Well, that was some interesting thinly-veiled foreshadowing.
“Ok guys, let’s sleep here tonight. Tomorrow we’re getting out of this place!” Seth shouted before jumping onto a soft patch of grass.
Char: …Didn’t he just say it was a BAD IDEA TO RAISE YOUR VOICE?
I found my own patch of grass and leaves and laid down it, slowly drifting into a much needed sleep...
Eddie: [presses a button on a nearby boombox. The Final Fantasy “going to sleep” music plays.]
*** Middle of the night ***
CRASH!!! A tree on the opposite side of the clearing had just fallen over. The loud crash woke us all up from our rest. From the fallen tree rose a swarm of Pokemon. They were yellow with big red eyes and greatly resembled bees. They all had huge needled on the end of two of their insect limbs. Their stingers and needles dripped with a purple liquid.
Scarlet: Yay, they had “huge needled” on the end of two of their insect limbs! It’s the acupuncture bees!
‘Poison...’ I thought to myself as I backed up a little.
Char: Yep. That’s what this fanfic did to my mind.
“Why did you knock down our home? We Beedrill have lived in that tree for years!” said a huge, female voice. We had just angered the Queen...
Eddie: THE QUEEN IS DEAD! LONG LIVE THE QUEEN!
Scarlet: Eddie, making a reference to a much better written short story is not going to help us now.
Eddie: …Shut up.
“Do you really think we small Pokemon could have taken down a tree that big?” Seth said, trying to keep his cool.
Scarlet: Well, no, but after watching you push off of thin air and survive the collapse of an entire mountain by jumping off pieces of rock I don’t think I can put anything past you.
“That could!” she shouted, pointing one of her needles at the flame burning brightly on Zeke’s back.
Char: Come now, I’m sure Zeke’s erection wasn’t THAT large.
“What?! It wasn’t me, I swear!” Zeke shouted.
Eddie: Suuuuure, it wasn’t.
“That’s not possible! Zeke was sleeping opposite the tree this whole time. Plus there’s no smoke!” Silk said, backing up her friend.
Scarlet: Silk, hate to break it to you but homicidal berserker maniacs aren’t high on the list of types that most people will listen to.
The Queen then pointed at two of her soldier Beedrill, then at us. Without hesitation, the two Beedrill charged at us, needles and all. Seth bent low before shooting himself at them with his super fast tackle from previous fights. He bounced off the first Beedrill, sending it flying back toward the swarm, and managed to scratch the other Beedrill’s wing before landing.
Char: …So, any explanation for Zeke’s sudden super-speed?
Eddie: Maybe he became a super-saiyan when he overcame his erectile function disorder.
“Zeke, come over here and help me. You two stand back! This is a man’s job.” Seth said with a grin. Zeke ran over to him while I and Silk stuck our tongues out at him.
Scarlet: Has Seth been watching reruns of Gurren Lagann?
The Queen then ordered for the rest of the Beedrill to attack. There must have been 20 of them, including the Queen, as they charged at Zeke and Seth, who for some reason had smiles on there faces. Suddenly, Zeke jumped on Seth’s back then up in the air. He was only a few feet away from the Beedrill before releasing the same flames he released on the magnet Pokemon. I saw seven Beedrill drop, their skin burned as black as coal.
Char: Oh my god. Is everyone reading what I’m reading?
Scarlet: I think so. Did you just read that Zeke leaped off of the back of an Eevee into midair and released a wide-area flame burst after only just mastering the use of fire techniques in the first place?
Char: Yep. And it sounds even weirder when you say it.
Seth shot dust in the eyes of 3 Beedrill before hitting them with a normal tackle and running to Zeke.
Eddie: …So the Beedrill are just standing there and letting them take them out or something?
Scarlet: Nobody can compete with Seth’s Spiral Power and the supreme speed of super-saiyan Zeke.
Then things turned for the worse. One of the Beedrill snuck behind Seth and stabbed his side with a poisoned up needle. The Beedrill flew back to the swarm, leaving Seth both bleeding and possibly poisoned. I watched in horror as his fur turned from brown to a crimson red, glinting in the moonlight. I thought he had met his end until Seth’s body starting to glow like the magnet Pokemon from the Mt. Steel. The moonlight surrounded his body, making him shine even brighter. When the light faded, I was left speechless. The spot where Seth’s helpless body had once laid was now occupied by a black Pokemon with yellow rings on his legs, tail, pointed ears, and forehead.
Scarlet: …That was rather convenient. The next time I need to evolve an Eevee into Umbreon, I’ll just have a Beedrill use poison sting on it.
‘Oh great... Another reason for him to act stuck up.’ I thought to myself
Char: Not that you’re doing much to help him, mind you.
He opened his crimson red eyes and said with his cool and calm voice, “I always wanted to be a Jolteon, but this will do.”
Eddie: Seth is so cool and calm that it’s a wonder he doesn’t freeze everything around him by existing.
The four closest Beedrill tried to retreat to the back like but then Seth’s body became surrounded in a black aura. He dashed at the four Beedrill with blinding speed, taking all four out in one tackle.
Scarlet: …You know, normally I’d make a crack about bug-types being strong against dark-types, but I guess Seth’s amazing powers are just too much for them to handle.
Zeke then opened his mouth and released a think, blanket of darkness. He got a little carried away and the smoke soon covered the entire clearing. I held Silk tight as we were vulnerable to any attack. I then remembered a little trick I learned at Mt. Steel, but forgot to tell Zeke. I concentrated hard and soon enough, dust from the ground rose up with a gust of wind. The sandstorm blew away the smoke in seconds. I look back at the battle just in time to see 5 Beedrill falling to the ground and Seth up in a tree. I noticed the rings on him were glowing, which probably allowed him to see in the blanket of darkness.
Char: Wow… these characters seem to master skills at the exact moment that they’re needed, huh?
Eddie: Ladies and gentlemen, I give you “strong as the plot.”
Only one left.
The Queen Beedrill was paralyzed with fear as she looked at all of her fallen warriors.
Scarlet: Apparently she was paralyzed before that, since only one Beedrill even bothered to attack Seth or Zeke.
“Time to let us in on the action!” I shouted as I ran toward the Beedrill with Silk trailing close behind.
Char: Sure, jump in AFTER the men clear out all the grunts.
I stopped directly under the Beedrill before jumping in the air, smashing my rock hard head into her. Silk then jumped in the air, electricity practically jumping off of her red cheeks. She landed on the Beedrill, who was now shooting upward from my attack. Holding tight to the now falling Beedrill, she discharged a fairly large amount of electricity, severely damaging her opponent and lighting up the entire area around us.
Eddie: I hate it when people steal my boss kills.
Silk jumped off the now burned Pokemon and watched it fall slowly.
Scarlet: Silk derived an intense satisfaction from watching the Beedrill twitch away the last few moment of its life on the ground. Soon, very soon she decided, she would enjoy watching her ‘rescuers’ experience the same fate.
Char: Isn’t it interesting how adding one or two sentences can make the whole story more interesting?
“We’re finally in the clear!” Zeke shouted, letting his flame go down.
Eddie: [Presses a button on the boombox from earlier. The Final Fantasy victory fanfare plays.]
“Not so fast. The light from my evolution and Silk’s electric attack most likely alerted some Pokemon. Namely, whatever knocked down that tree.” Seth said, jumping off the branch.
Scarlet Oh, so that WASN’T the boss battle?
As usual, he was right. From behind the tree, a majestic Pokemon appeared. It was cerulean blue and had a dog-like figure. Its head was topped with a crystal-shaped horn that glinted in the moonlight. Behind the horn were long locks of hair colored with different shades of purple.
Char: Weirdest. Phallic symbol. Ever.
“What business do you have in the Sacred Forest of the Legends?” said the Pokemon with a thunderous, yet obviously feminine, voice.
Eddie: I had a math teacher like that once.
“Suicune! I thought it was only a legend but now I see you here with my own two eyes! You’re as beautiful as you’re described in the legends” Seth shouted. That was the most excited I had ever heard him.
Scarlet: Seth has found his soul mate!
“I’ll ask you once again; why are you in this forest?” Suicune said, unfazed by Seth’s comment.
Char [As Seth]: “To profess my undying love for you and offer these three as human sacrifices!”
Eddie: You know, that would explain why Seth went along with them in the first place AND why he kept going towards the forest even though he knew it was the wrong way.
“Ah yes,” Seth said with his normal tone, “we seem to have gotten lost, but we’ll be out by tomorrow. Now may I ask you something?”
Scarlet [As Seth]: “Will you marry me?”
“No, you may not...” Suicune said simply, before running deeper in the forest. We heard a load roar in the distance that made the ground shake a little.
Char: Suicune doesn’t appreciate being forced to appear in this fanfic, and vents her rage accordingly.
“Suicune, Pokemon of the north wind. She truly is as incredible the legends describe.” Silk said smiling.
Eddie: A little bi-curious about Suicune, are we Silk?
Suddenly, we saw smoke rise high from the west.
“Civilization, here we come!” I shouted with a grin that quickly spanned across my face.
Scarlet: Random forest fire or campfire, here we come!
“I’m sorry, but the village will have to wait. I want to see what Suicune’s up to.” Seth said, turning toward the direction in which Suicune ran.
Char: Seth just won’t take “no” for an answer, will he?
“Are you out of your mind? I’ve just about had it with this forest!” Zeke shouted.
Eddie: Zeke has had it with these monkey-fighting Beedrills in this monster-infested forest!
“Fine, I’ll go by myself.” Seth said, walking slowly away from the clearing.
Scarlet: Cue “Seth’s Theme” in the audio soundtrack.
Eddie: [Presses a button on the boombox, which begins to play “I Feel Pretty”]
Char and Scarlet: ….
Eddie: [Turns off the boombox] Heheh. Whoops. [Switches tracks to sad piano theme]
“Well I and Zeke are going to the village. We’ll wait for you there. You coming, Silk?” I said, turning in the direction of the smoke.
Scarlet: Awwww, they’re splitting up? And just after they had formed a working party, too.
“Actually, I’m quite curious to learn more about Suicune and her intentions. Plus, Seth can’t wander these forests alone.” Silk replied before running to Seth.
Char: …Maybe Silk IS bi-curious here.
“Don’t worry; we’ll catch up with you guys when we’re satisfied with our thirst for knowledge.” Seth said with a smirk before running into the shadows, Silk following closely behind.
Eddie: Which can be translated as meaning “after we’ve slept with Suicune.”
“Come on Zeke; let’s get out of here before another Pokemon shows up.” I said before grabbing his hand and running in the direction of the smoke.
Scarlet: Well, Sapphire finally has Zeke all to herself again.
We stopped at the edge of the clearing and looked back at the direction Seth and Silk had run to.
Char: And if God had any mercy, he’d turn them both into pillars of salt.
“Be careful...” I whispered before running back in the trees with Zeke at my side.
Eddie: Awwwww… she does care!
Chapter 4: The Legandary Rescue
Zeke and I emerged from the Sacred Forest just in time to see the sunrise. We blocked our eyes with our short hands as the constant darkness from the forest made them sensitive to light. I opened my eyes slowly to see the red-orange sphere rise slowly, illuminating the entire landscape.
Scarlet: “We blocked our eyes with our short hands”… as opposed to their long hands, which they left at home?
I grabbed Zeke’s hand again and shouted, “Come on!” before running towards the, still rising, smoke. We were running as fast as we could since, from our point of view, the land look pretty flat. Then suddenly, Zeke pulled my hand, causing both of us to stumble and roll a few feet.
Char: FOUL! COMMA INFRACTION! FIVE LINE PENALTY, STILL FOURTH CHAPTER!
“What the hell was that for?” I asked, standing up and brushing myself off.
“Watch out where you’re going!” He shouted, pointing only a few feet away from us.
Eddie [As Zeke]: “Can’t you see the size of that drive-thru line? Come on, we’re finding another fast-food restaurant for breakfast.”
I walked over to where he was pointing, and to my amazement, I was looking down at the jagged rocks far below us.
Scarlet: …That was rather abrupt.
“What the heck? How did we end up on a cliff?” I asked, still a little shaken from nearly falling to my death.
Char: …Well, for one thing you went the exact opposite direction from home earlier.
“I have no idea. More importantly, how the hell did that happen?” he said, pointing once again.
I looked at the intensity in his eyes before turning in the direction he was pointing. I was horrified at the eye-wrenching, stomach-churning, head-bobbling sight. The smoke that led us to the cliff wasn’t from the burning of wood from a village, but from the burning of the village itself. The wooden houses, the crops, the villagers... all being incinerated by an inescapable, blazing inferno.
Eddie: It’s the “No! My Beloved Peasant Village!” cliché. No RPG hero can escape it.
“How... how did this happen?” I managed to mutter after a long silence.
“Help me! Somebody please help me!” cried a childish voice below us.
Zeke and I peeked over the cliff and saw a Pokemon running along a ledge that looked like the cross between a pig and a monkey. It had tan fur with brown hands and feet. Only a few feet behind the Mankey were two other Pokemon who seemed to be chancing it.
Scarlet: Chancing it at what? Russian Roulette?
The first Pokemon was a gray and black dog-like Pokemon, but different from the Houndoom we saw the other night. It had large, sharp teeth lining its mouth that went perfectly with its blood red eyes.
Char: …What, it was being chased by an evil digimon?
Eddie: You wouldn’t believe how common a problem that is.
The second Pokemon was blue and had the figure of a two-legged lizard. On its head was a stony, white material that looked as hard as diamond.
Scarlet: It’s the Geicko Gecko’s mutant older brother!
I and Zeke searched frantically for a way to assist the Mankey, but couldn’t find one. The pursuers were directly under us when I stomped my foot hard on the ground, angry that we couldn’t help. Suddenly, the rocks above the Mightyena became loose and a rockslide was soon created. The Mightyena was paralyzed with fear as boulders came hurtling down at him and knocked him off of the cliff. The Bagon narrowly escaped the boulders with only a few small rocks hitting the hard material on its head.
Char: …Sapphire rolls a natural twenty on her luck check?
Eddie: I didn’t even know a game mechanic like that existed.
‘Did I do that?’ I thought to myself before realizing the chase wasn’t over.
The Mankey was literally running for its dear life when it tripped over a branch and landed flat on its face. The Bagon slowed down a bit, happy that its hunt was coming to an end. Then, from a ledge below the Mankey, appeared a Pokemon just as incredible as Suicune. From what I could tell, it was a wolf-like Pokemon that stood on its hind legs. It had a blue and black fur with a yellow chest and the top of its wrists and middle of its chest were pointed with a white spike that could probably pierce any Pokemon’s skin, even mine. The Lucario rapidly jumped from rock to rock at speeds I didn’t even know could be achieved. Within seconds, Lucario was the only thing standing between Bagon and its prey. After a few seconds of no movement, the Bagon charged at Lucario with it head bowed down, hoping to damage it with the material surrounding its head. Lucario simply raises a leg before slamming it into the side of Bagon’s skull. I could have sworn I heard a crack from the impact before watching Bagon fall off the cliff, meeting the same fate as its partner in crime.
Char: That Lucario eats verb tenses for breakfast, apparently.
Eddie: [muttering] What, no football joke this time? [louder] …Why were they hunting the Mankey, again?
Scarlet: Haven’t you ever heard of simian pork chops?
“Whoa... cool!” Zeke shouted, breaking the silence.
The Lucario looked up at us with its piercing red eyes before grabbing the Mankey and jumping his way up the cliff. With one final jump, they landed only a few feet behind us.
The Lucario placed the Mankey on the floor, who seemed to be in shock from his near death experience. He then turned to us and with a strong, masculine voice said, “How is it possible you two got out of the Sacred Forest?”
Char: …You know, since rescue teams have been running in and out of there every day for missions supposedly, I can’t think of why he’s so surprised.
“We saw the smoke and came running... By the way, what happened to that village?” I asked eager to find out what happened to our last hope.
Eddie: …Last hope of what? Bringing this fanfic to an early conclusion?
“What happened...? Entei, that’s what.” he replied.
“What the heck is an ‘Entei’?” Zeke asked.
Scarlet: It’s the theme of a character from a series of bullet curtain shooter games, the-
Char: “Entei”, not “Eien Tewi” Scarlet.
Lucario then lowered his head and started, “Entei is the legendary fire beast of the volcano. He is the brother of Raikou, beast of thunder, and Suicune, beast of the north wind. He came running from his home at the foot of the volcano to east in what seemed to be a rush. He blazed through our village, setting anything that touched his fiery mane ablaze before running off into the forest. I caught sight of an ominous thunder cloud while helping the citizens out of the village, which means it’s likely that Raikou is there too.”
Char: Juvenile delinquent legends?
Eddie: We’ve already had Super Saiyan Cyndaquil.
I contemplated on his story for a while before finally saying, “While exploring the forest, me and my friends spotted Suicune who also seemed to be in a hurry. My two other friends are pursuing her as we speak, eager to find out her intentions. Why are all these legendary Pokemon meeting anyway?”
Scarlet: Maybe there’s a great big Legendary tea party that they’re trying to get to?
Char: You don’t think this could have anything to do with the prophecy about the Fake Legends in the opening blurb, do you?
Eddie: Well, I’m just not sure…
“I don’t know but your friends made a big mistake following her. If they are seen, the legends won’t hesitate to kill them. If only I had the rest of my team, I could have gone on a search for them.”
Scarlet: I wouldn’t worry, Seth evolves when he’s injured and Silk can recover from injuries instantly.
“Well we’re both in luck, because me and Sapphire are part of a rescue team and are determined to find our friends.” Zeke said with a serious tone.
Scarlet: Cue the dramatic cheesy shounen anime hero music.
Eddie: [Presses the boombox button. A theme from Gurren Lagann begins to play.]
“As a rescuer myself, I cannot dismiss your courage to go on such a dangerous mission. Are you sure you want to come? Keep in mind that I’m nowhere near as powerful as the legendaries.”
Char: A new unit wants to join the party! Do you accept?
“I’m not leaving my friends behind knowing their death is inevitable. It’s my duty as a rescuer to find them and bring them to safety!” I shouted with a serious tone. I was quite surprised at my new found courage.
Eddie: …Wasn’t Sapphire trying to kill Seth earlier?
Scarlet: I’m kind of wondering what happened between then and now to change her mind.
“Okay, then it will be my honor to assist you. My name is Neos, by the way. I know the Larvitar’s name is Sapphire, but what is yours, young Cyndaquil?”
Scarlet: NEOS joined the party as a guest!
Eddie: [Presses button on the boombox, causing it to play the Final Fantasy “New Party Member” music]
‘Whoa... cool moves and a cool name. Only if he could be a permanent member.’ I thought to myself.
Char: Many’s the time I’ve thought that about the guest characters who join my party as well.
“My name is Zeke.” Zeke replied.
“Okay Zeke and Sapphire, I have a preposition for you two. How about I carry to the legendary location? I have a feeling I know where they’re meeting.”
Scarlet: Preposition, preposition… nope, he didn’t give them a preposition.
“Sure, okay!” Zeke and I shouted at the same time before jumping into Neos’ arms. With a smile, he held us tightly and sped into the forest.
Char: The plot gets tired of waiting on Zeke and Sapphire, and decides to speed things up a little.
We stopped and Neos put us down a few feet away from a clearing we hadn’t noticed before. We walked slowly towards the clearing and hid behind some bushes. In the middle of the clearing we saw Suicune, and two other Pokemon that greatly resembled her.
Eddie: Er… if she means Raikou and Entei, I’m wondering if Sapphire has gone blind.
Scarlet: For future reference people- THE LEGENDARY BEASTS HAVE A SIMILAR BODY TYPE, BUT THEY DO NOT LOOK VERY MUCH ALIKE. The same for the Legendary Birds, really.
The first was a brown, dog-like Pokemon standing to the left of Suicune. Its face was masked with a red, white and yellow material that only showed its red eyes. Behind its head was a long lock of white hair that greatly resembled the white plumes released from an erupting volcano. That must have been Entei.
Char: Entei’s wearing a mask. What, is it a legendary masquerade?
The second was yellow Pokemon standing to the right of Suicune that greatly resembled a tiger. Its mouth was open wide, exposing two sharp fangs that could probably pierce any material. It fashioned a mask similar to Entei’s but it was black and light blue. Behind its head were locks of curled up purple hair that ran down its back. It also had a pointed tail that zigzagged in different directions. That must have been Raikou.
Eddie: It fashioned the mask? With what, and how?
The three legendary Pokemon were all facing an obsidian rock with the same weird writing as the one placed in the center of Grace town. I looked across the clearing and amazingly, I saw Silk sitting atop Seth’s back, hiding behind some bushes. I was suddenly filled with joy and jumped up and down while waving at Silk. I could tell she had noticed me. I wish she hadn’t...
Silk jumped up and down while waving as well; completely forgetting she was on Seth’s back. Finally, Seth tripped over and sent him and Silk falling through the bushes. They were completely exposed to the legendary Pokemon.
Char: ….So, Silk is now incredibly ditzy? Where the hell did that come from?
“Hmm... so it seems you’ve followed me.” Suicune said, glaring at Seth and Silk.
Eddie: Suicune doesn’t appreciate groupies.
“What is the meaning of this, sister?” Raikou asked with an overwhelming, male voice.
Scarlet: Because, you know, Raikou is male. Unless you’d forgotten that.
“Nothing of importance,” Suicune said, “brother Entei, if you will?”
“Gladly.” Entei replied simply.
He then opened his mouth, shooting an immense fireball at Silk and Seth. I thought it was over when the Fireball suddenly stopped in midair, surrounded in a purple aura. I looked at Neos whose hand was now surrounded with the same purple aura.
Char: Since when do Lucario know how to cast Stop?
Eddie: The same amount of time that Cyndaquil became super-saiyans.
“My psychic power won’t last long, hurry and save your friends.” Neos whispered.
“What is this trickery!?” Entei shouted.
The God of Shenanigans [calling from somewhere in the background: Sorry, that was me!
With that, we ran across the opening toward our friends as fast as we could. It was obvious that we were spotted when Raikou charged an electric ball in front of his mouth and shot it at us. Like the fireball, it froze in the air, surrounded by the purple aura. We looked behind us and saw Neos running closely behind, now with his other hand surrounded with the purple aura. That was when Seth and Silk noticed us and started running toward us. We met in the middle of the clearing with a flurry of hugs.
Eddie: Running for your life is always a good time to have a group hug.
“I’m sorry to ruin the moment, but your little reunion ends here. It’s a shame you won’t live to see the Legendary Strike.” Suicune said, walking slowly toward us.
Scarlet: You know, something tells me this Legendary Strike thing is going to be IMPORTANT.
Neos released the two attacks and surrounded us in a purple orb when Suicune began to open her mouth. The two attacks scraped the side of the orb as we began to levitate. Then the three legendary pokemon opened their mouths wide, releasing powerful beams at us; Suicune releasing a beam of multi-colored bubbles, Entei releasing a red-orange beam of fire, and Raikou releasing a yellow beam of lightning with small jolts jumping around it. The beams hit our protective orb all at the same time, dissipating it and sending us flying through the air. Incredibly, Neos surrounded us in another orb, but was unable to slow down the speed at which we were bursting through the air. The Sacred Forest looked like a green spec from the altitude we were now at.
Char: ….What the hell.
Eddie: Neos and his purple glow can fix ANYTHING.
‘Oh great, we’re going to end up even farther away from Grace.’ I thought to myself as we came plunging back down.
Scarlet: …As opposed to “We’re going to die because there is no way in hell that this magic orb will allow us to survive impact from a height this ridiculous?”
Finally, Neos managed to slow down the drop as we landed on an unknown beach. Even though the sand softened the fall, we all simply laid there as if we were paralyzed from the neck down. Actually, I wouldn’t be surprised if we weren’t from the ordeal we just experienced. I saw Neos grasp his heart tightly, suffering from immense physical and mental pain. It was then that I thought about Suicune’s words.
Char: One, how does she know it was mental? And two, how the hell did Neos slow the fall?
Eddie: … Psychic powers can do ANYTHING.
‘Legendary strike? What is that and why is it so important that normal Pokemon like us have to witness it?.’ I thought to myself before finally blacking out...
Scarlet: …Actually, you weren’t supposed to witness it. You were supposed to die.
Char: You know, I’d just LOVE to find out what the Legendary Strike is… but I don’t think we’re going to have time.
Eddie: Wh-what? But… I don’t think the fanfic’s over yet…
Scarlet: We’re only obligated to do twenty-five pages of riffing. This is page thirty-eight in word processor. I think we’ve gone far enough.
Char: Thank God, let’s get out of here.
[Credits roll. Scarlet, Char and Eddie exit the theatre.]
Scarlet: So, guys, how did you enjoy the fanfic? Guys? Guys?
Jax [pointing over her shoulder: I think they’re back there, playing around with some old crates.
Scarlet: Old crates huh? Well then… I guess you didn’t really read the fanfic, but did you learn anything from it?
Jax: Well, I learned that the best thing to do when you fall off a cliff is to jump off the falling rocks until the end of the avalanche.
Scarlet: And I learned that guest characters are always cooler than the lead characters in RPGs. Say, what’s that sound?
Jax: I’m not sure… So, Astinus, what do you think?
[Cut to Astinus, who is fast asleep. One of her Piplup minions makes a ‘Sssssh’ sign.]
Scarlet: I see. Well, I guess I’d better collect Char and-
[A sudden explosion rocks the Sattelite, and two voices are vaguely heard yelling “Earth, here we come!” and “Sweet freedom!”]
Scarlet: …Jax, what were those crates labeled?
Jax: …I think they said “Hamdingers.”
Scarlet: And how many were there?
Jax: There were only two.
Scarlet: You IDIOT! They always put the escape pods in the Hamdingers crates!
Scarlet: You heard me! Those two just abandoned us! I’M STUCK HERE! NOOOOOO!!!!
[Scarlet begins to howl mournfully as the episode fades to black.]
So, I finally got around to reading this, and man, you've done a great job. At the risk of insulting Gummy (sorry), I had that feeling too when I skimmed it. It's like, "Well, it's decently written, but... it's kinda generic."
Still, I love how you took it and ran with it with lines like, "And it's a BORING baboon." Also, lulz at the boombox, the huge text, the Yu-gi-oh reference, and the God of Shenanigans. You also get extra points for referencing the hamdingers crates.
In general, very MST3K-esque, and I thoroughly enjoyed it. Nice job.
Heh, amusing stuff. Quite the long piece here, that that made for more humour. =D Fun to read over many hours in-between doing other stuff.
Pretty much on par more or less with the other MSTs around, have to say. Good stuff pointed out, mixed in with a nice, sarcastic tone (for instance: 'Four young Pokemon, hopelessly falling... Falling to our death... --> Scarlet: And nobody cares.' = amusement), and the various references here and there were fun too. Points also for the 'The Ultimate Showdown' song used on top of the ones Valentine mentioned. And BORING was great too. XD
Wasn't really paying much attention to grammar or the sort, but...
Also, in the beginning of chapter 3, the fic's text itself was in the same font as the rest (i.e. normal, default font), although it soon changed back to how you normally had it.
I can say that Gummy is a better writer now. XD At any rate, nice job.
Wow. My first day back after two weeks and I see an MST. But by scarlet instead of Valentine. Don't get me wrong no. It's not bad. Hilarious though and more uhh... *Adult* than the usual MST fic. But thats just my opinion.
By the way